


And all that’s best of dark and bright

by kaaterinapetrova



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF James "Rhodey" Rhodes, BAMF Maria Hill, BAMF Tony Stark, Civil War Team Iron Man, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Female Tony Stark, Flashbacks, Gen, Loneliness, Lonely Tony Stark, Maria Hill is a Good Bro, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Platonic Relationships, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Sad with a Happy Ending, Slow Build, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-07-25 17:59:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 179,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16202717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaaterinapetrova/pseuds/kaaterinapetrova
Summary: When Steve Rogers leaves her to die in Siberia, Toni Stark hacks her soulmark apart, tears the flesh and veins until she is blinded with pain, and waits to die. Up above, somewhere in the universe, something fractures.Trigger warning for cutting, suicidal thoughts, breakdown.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So first time uploading a fic on AO3, and I'd like to make a formal apology to everyone for this travesty.
> 
> In all seriousness, though, trigger warnings for cutting, though it's more like slashing, I think?? It's in the first half of the fic, so you can totally skip past it, though it's likely you already know what's happening. I hope you enjoy!

When her soulmark comes in, Toni Stark blinks at the emblem of a shield wrapped in the hollow of her wrist.

One of the rare ones, her soulmark is recognised instantly, because it’s a mark ingrained into American culture. The circle and the star are unmistakable—anyone can know it for what it is. She lifts her head to stare at her mother, bewildered. Beside her, Jarvis has stilled.

Howard’s voice is gruff. “Let’s see it, then.”

Her mother takes hold of her fingers, clutches them so tight Toni’s not sure who’s shaking worse. “Maybe tomorrow, at the party,” Maria says to her husband.

But Howard frowns at them. He reaches forward and rips her sleeve when he sees it. Toni flinches back as her father drinks himself into a furious, jealous stupor, but he teaches her to wrap up the mark. He does it for her, warning her that the press are vultures, the strip of cloth straining around her wrist so tight that Toni feels slightly faint.

Later that night, her mother loosens the bandage, but Toni never takes it off.

.

.

She lives her life as if she’s dancing on the edge of a knife.

Toni loves and hates everything around her. She’s careless and careful as she takes over Stark Industries, turning the world into her playground. They say women can’t have it all, so Toni sets out to show them that she can. She sleeps around, she builds things until her bandage rubs her wrist raw, she works, and she plays. Toni drinks, laughs, bares her teeth as one by one, all of her secrets are peeled away from her and laid out on display in newsstands. The only secret they can never get is the one laid in her wrist.

Until Afghanistan happens and _everything_ changes.

Toni Stark is taken into the cave and Iron Woman takes her out. Obadiah tries to kill her, and the world shifts in that way it had when she found out her parents and Jarvis died. Toni Stark chokes on her own blood, as Obadiah crushes her heart, and Iron Woman saves her again.

Iron Woman saves _everyone_ , and Toni begins to think she just might be a hero.

When Steve Rogers is lifted out of the ice, he has a circular scrawl pressed into his throat.

Toni recognises it instantly, her breath catching as she stares at the TV screen. There’s an inordinate amount of hope pounding in her heart as the reporters try to identify the soulmark, in vain.

“Can’t remember the pattern...” one reporter is saying.

Christine Everhart eyes Steve Rogers, her gaze narrowed. “I don’t know,” she says, her voice echoing in the mic. “I feel like I’ve seen it before somewhere. What do you think it could be? Tweet us now with your thoughts.”

It’s _her_ arc reactor.

Toni stares at Steve Rogers, the man out of time. He sits awkwardly at the press conference, too big and uncomfortable in modern clothing. The collar is loose at his neck and Toni sees her arc reactor rising and falling with every breath he takes.

When he speaks, she’s spellbound, ignoring her board members in the meeting. All attention is on her soulmate. That’s _him_ , Toni thinks.

Toni doesn’t tell him first, when they finally meet, wanting desperately to be chosen for herself for once.

New York happens, and aliens pour from the skies and Toni saves the day.

“We won,” Steve says breathlessly when she wakes, gasping, her ears still ringing from Hulk’s roar.

Her soulmark burns, a pleasant hum. Toni stares at her arc reactor pulsing at his neck, gleaming in the red-gold of the sun. She opens her mouth to tell him, blood roaring in her ears.

“Has anyone tried shawarma?”

Okay, so the _Avengers_ save the day. Toni eats shawarma and thinks she’s made a family out of this super-secret boy band. Who cares about the echoing emptiness of space she’d seen, when Steve looks at her like that? When Natasha talks to her, as Natasha and not Natalie? When Bruce listens to her ideas?

Nothing happens for a long time, and then, all at once, everything happens.

Like a sign, SHIELD falls apart and Ultron hacks his way violently out of her system, borne of warped magic and hatred that she never gave him. Jarvis dies, trying to protect them, and a part of Toni fractures, leaves her choking on her grief. Something within this super-secret boy band of hers, so tentative and fragile from the very beginner, splinters.

And Lagos happens and the Accords and—

And then Steve Rogers slams her father's shield into her chest, her heart, her throat, and shatters her bones with only the strength a super soldier can have. A super soldier, borne from the serum her father created, Toni thinks, struck by a sudden urge to laugh hysterically. The shield falls into her throat briefly, before he pulls it back up quickly.

Steve breaks her suit apart, leaves her to die in a frozen wasteland.

Her suit is failing on her, Toni knows. It will shut down soon. She has barely enough power left, as it is.

Scrabbling, she lifts her left hand and, blood rushing in her ears, Toni slams her blade into her wrist viciously.

She tears her flesh, ripping apart the soul mark with a dwindling strength.

 _Something_ fractures apart and roars.

Her wrist burns in protest, the skin tearing and blood surging heavily to soak the ground. The suit is crackling vainly, but Toni continues hacking away at her own wrist, with hoarse half-sobs of pain. Everything in her body is blazing with pain that she barely knows what to focus on and when she can't see the soul mark anymore, Toni drops her blade. She lets it clatter noisily to the ground and drops her head on the ground heavily.

Then, Toni leans her head back, her breaths growing slower and softer.

She can feel life ebbing away from her, bit by bit, the pain growing numb all around her. There is something almost peaceful about this, she thinks. It’s not glamorous as she’d imagined her death should have been, but under the crushing realisation of the truth of her parents, Toni does not care anymore.

Nobody is coming for her. Nobody knows that she is even here. It was stupid to rush to help Steve and Bucky Barnes so quickly, but she never would have expected them to leave her for dead. She never expected any of this.

Toni closes her eyes, her breathing ragged and rasping with pain, and waits to die.

_Mama, I missed you._

.

.

When she wakes up, she wakes in a hospital.

Her wrist _burns_ , rages something fierce and angrier than she’s ever felt before. The pain jolts her until she is left snarling, a sharp piercing thing that stabs her flesh. Toni’s hands rummage through the stiff sheets, immediately reaching for her chest.

The heavy pull of the reactor is a ghostly weight on her chest and Toni is blinded for a moment, scrabbling. Her wrist is tied in some unfamiliar cloth and her chest burns—

_Steve is above her, ramming the shield—Howard’s shield—over her chest, her arc reactor. Toni opens her mouth to scream, gasping—_

“It’s okay,” an unfamiliar accented voice is calling.

 _No, it’s not_ , Toni wants to snarl, wants to sob. _You idiot, it’s not okay, nothing is okay—_

“It’s okay, Ms Stark. You are okay. Breathe with me.”

The voice is a beacon in the darkness and Toni grabs it, panicked. She pulls herself back to the brightly lit hospital room, bit by bit, squinting briefly, the taste of blood in her mouth. When she opens her eyes once more, she sees hospital gowns, fluorescent white, unfamiliar faces.

“...name is Dr Iva Kournikova… were found somewhere close to here, in the woods, hypothermic, and having lost a severe amount of blood. It’s been over twenty-four hours, Ms Stark. You were very lucky,” the doctor is telling her, but the words go over Toni’s head.

She’s still alive, she realises blankly. Why is she still alive?

Toni drops her head back against the pillow, faintly realising that the feeling consuming her is _disappointment_. She breathes out, her gaze trailing from her chest to her wrist. It’s wrapped right in gauze and bandages but her jerky movements have started the blood pouring again.

“Did you see?” Toni demands, her voice coming out rasping and hoarse.

Dr Iva clears the room, adjusts her coat, and looks at Toni, her face inscrutable.

“Ms Stark, may I sit?” she asks, her words somewhat stilted.

Toni rolls her eyes. “I’m not—for God’s sake, where am I?”

“You are in Siberia, Ms Stark,” the doctor says, but she doesn’t sit. “You have been with us for over twenty-four hours. Your heart stopped twice, Ms Stark.” Her voice turns softer. “Ms Stark, I have to ask you. How long have you been hurting yourself?”

She stills briefly and when she speaks, her voice comes out small. “What?”

“The lacerations we found on your wrist were very deep,” Dr Iva tells her gently. “As the American embassy will likely not let us hold you for longer than necessary and as a medical professional, Ms Stark, it is my sincerest opinion that you undertake therapy.”

“I’m not—I’m not like that,” Toni says, but her voice falters as she speaks.

Isn’t she?

Dr Iva looks at her. “When you go back to America, Ms Stark,” she says, her voice soft, “I would advise you seek out professional help.”

.

.

It takes her forever to get back home.

Toni barely pays attention to anything as Friday meticulously organises the press conferences and board meetings, her head leaning tiredly against the seat. She’s wrapped up so well she’s part mummy by now, Toni thinks. Her gaze drops briefly to her soulmark on her wrist.

She will live with the soulmark writhing vainly, desperately, pleading on the inside of her left wrist, Toni realises faintly. It will burn for her to unite with Steve, but Toni refuses. Rogers means nothing to her now. She watches it as it burns, as it cools, as it begs her, and Toni lets her lips curl up into a harsh, merciless thing.

Professional help for that thing?

People have told her for years to seek out her soulmate, but Toni’s done well without him. She’ll continue to do well without him.

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is soft, grateful to have her back once more. “We’re here.”

“I missed you, girl,” Toni confesses to Friday, her voice heavy.

She really had.

Friday had gone with the suit, so Toni had been left to her own devices in Siberia. She refused to stay in her bed, continually popping up to complete work until the nurses would have to get inventive in trying to keep away any electronics. She’d upgraded their entire system, poured enough money to fix their west wing, and kept stubbornly refusing to take her meds, hating the way they made her so dull that she would fall prey to her nightmares. The hospital didn’t know whether they hated her or loved her by the time she was done.

Toni is already out of the doors, barraging into Maria Hill, her body aching. She moves so fast her head grows dizzy and everything within her screams in protest, but Toni keeps moving, as ever. If she stops, she’ll start thinking, and if she starts thinking, she’ll fall.

“So Legal’s going to riot, these new non-disclosure agreements need your okay to send to that Siberian hospital, and Ross is a prick,” Maria says.

For a moment, the vision of Captain America slamming her father’s shield in her chest blows up in her mind. Toni breathes hard, surging back in horror, her arms flying up to shield her chest protectively.

“Toni?” Maria is calling for her, through the haze of her panic.

Toni takes a deep breath, terrified of her own feelings of disappointment. God, she’s disappointed that she didn’t die? She’s—Toni feels like she might cry. She wanted to see her mama, she thinks to herself, a lump forming in her throat.

“Toni?” Maria’s voice is faint.

She raises herself up again, her heart pounding rebelliously in her chest.

It’s another Afghanistan, another Mandarin, another New York, Toni thinks bracingly, though something within her crumbles a little. Siberia is just another shitty chapter in her shitty life, she thinks to herself, rubbing the bandage that is wrapped tightly around her wrist absently. The mark burns, a dull, pained ache that she’s gotten used to.

“I want a cheeseburger,” she says.

Maria rolls her eyes. “Well,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “At least you’re not dead.”

She looks tired, Toni realises, her heart stuttering guiltily as her stomach clenches. All gaunt cheeks and bags under her eyes. It’s a look that Toni has never seen grace Maria’s face. _God_ , she thinks, guilt tearing her insides. _What happened?_

“How’s Rhodey?”

She’s already moving towards the Tower, Maria beside her. Toni flinches back automatically from the way Marie moves as if to move for her chest, almost stumbling, but Maria is only giving her a bunch of documents. Her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, Toni waves away Maria’s confused look and clears her throat.

“A lot of stuff has happened since you went to Siberia, Toni,” Maria tells her, looking annoyed. “Pepper’s handed in her resignation, Happy’s right after her. Vision is gone God knows where, Steve has gone AWOL, the rest of the Avengers are locked in the Raft, and Ross is breathing down my back for you. Stocks have plummeted, the board’s all in an uproar, and—and—,”

She breaks off, seeing Toni's stricken face, and something like guilt washes quickly over Maria's face. Something sinks in Toni's stomach heavily as they enter the Tower quietly. But she lifts her head up, her fingers trembling even so.

“Pepper and Happy— _left_?” she says, sounding absurdly vulnerable that she hates it. "And Vision, too?”

Her heart is breaking.

They left her.

“Toni,” Maria begins, breathing hard.

“What—what about Rhodey?” Toni demands.

A strange expression casts a cloud over Maria’s face. “Toni… maybe it’s a better idea if you took some rest. You don’t look so good.”

For a strong, strange moment, Toni doesn't want to know. She's utterly terrified and all she wants is her mama.

“If the rest of the world has their way, I'll rest when I'm dead,” Toni mutters, but she lifts her head up to look Maria in the eye. She’s breathing hard when she speaks, but tries to look as casual as possible. “What is it, Maria? Have the Accords fallen through?”

All those nights with Rhodey, poring over legislation and amendments so hard they had burned her eyes. So much hard work all down the drain, because one man wrapped in the American flag couldn't get his head out of his own ass long enough to listen to her. Toni’s soulmark burns something fierce, but the fury rippling through her blood is stronger.

“No,” Maria says hesitantly, and this hesitation is freaking Toni out now.

She'd give anything for an outburst, for Maria to just scream at her until she's blue in the face. Anything would be better than this weirdness, this strange hesitation.

“Then?”

“It's—Toni, it's Rhodey,” Maria says, her voice unnaturally soft.

Toni has never heard Maria sound like this and she stills. Her mouth is dry and her heart hammers hard in her chest, her fingers shaking slightly. She focuses only on Maria's face.

Her voice is unnaturally thin. “What about Rhodey?”

“You know that he went into emergency surgery, after Germany,” Maria explains, and suddenly, Toni isn't sure she wants to hear anymore. “Toni, he—he hasn’t—Rhodey’s surgery. He hasn’t woken up, since.”

Toni feels the world fall away from her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm so grateful for all the kind words, the kudos, and the encouragement - thank you so much! I'm still so surprised that people actually enjoyed this.
> 
> Just to quickly clear up some confusion, I am new at posting on AO3, so I got the chapters thing a bit messed up. This is a chapter fic. I hope you enjoy it!

When Laura Barton opens the door and sees Toni, she slaps her across the face.

Though she sees it coming, from the way the sheer fury ripples across Laura’s face, Toni does not step back. Instead, she takes the hit, stumbles back clumsily, and fumbles to stem the blood flowing from her cracked lip.

 _Laura’s wedding ring_ , she realises faintly, the taste of coppery blood soaking her mouth. It caught the barely healed wound at her mouth and tore the skin even more. The move took her by surprise and now Toni’s vision blurs briefly, raising a hand to smear the blood away. In her ear, Friday’s voice is pierced with concern.

“Boss, this isn’t a good idea,” she’s saying, her voice worried in Toni’s ear. “You should have stayed in the hospital.”

But Toni can’t stay in the hospital. She’s got too much to do.

“Get the _hell_ off my porch,” Laura snarls at her fiercely.

She’s completely different from the smiling woman who had welcomed Toni into her home. Laura had been good to them, during the Ultron Incident, and she’d even taken Toni aside in private to assuage some of her guilt about Ultron. Laura had been so kind that Toni felt she couldn’t repay her with just a green smoothie, but the Barton woman had pointedly refused another farm.

Now, Laura looks angrier than a raging storm.

“Laura,” Toni says, trying to breathe. She’s so weak, having literally flown from the hospital, but she holds herself up. “I know what you think of me, but—,”

“I said—,”

“Ross is coming, Laura,” Toni says desperately, her voice hoarse and rasping. “He’s a monster. He’ll come for the kids—just—just let me, _fuck_ , just give me a moment—,” She pauses to quickly take a harsh, ragged breath, cursing at the blood seeping from her broken lip once more. “Laura. I’ve got a safe house that you can us—,”

Laura is glaring at her, and it’s a venomous hate that makes Toni want to curl up inside.

“I can’t trust you,” she bites out fiercely.

“I know, I know. But can you—can you trust _them_?” Toni asks, anxious.

Maggie Lang steps off the private Stark jet, right on cue. She’s surrounded by a few Stark Industries employees and Maria herself, who stalks towards Toni. Maria’s gaze narrows on her face, staring at Toni’s lips when she gets to Toni.

“What the hell happened to—,” she breaks off, her gaze sliding to Laura in realisation.

Toni turns to Laura again, flinching back when Laura glowers fiercely. “Laura, you have to understand—,”

“Stark’s right,” Maggie says bluntly, looking past Toni as though she doesn’t exist. “The Secretary of State is coming after us all. This Civil War—they’re looking for anything that might hurt Scott and your husband.”

There’s a lingering silence that echoes around them all for a moment. Toni can feel the hot blood streaming past her lips, taste the bitter copper in her mouth, but she holds herself straight with all the strength she has within her. Everything in her feels so weak that she thinks she might fall, but Toni refuses to. Laura needs her. Scott’s family need her.

Laura stares at Maggie for a long time, before she gives a tight nod, a jerk of her head. She points at Toni. “I don’t want my kids near you,” she says fiercely. “You’re the reason my husband is in federal prison right now, the reason for all of this.” Her voice breaks slightly, her gaze hurt and accusing. “I _trusted_ you, Toni. You told me that you would protect them all.”

Toni feels like she’s been hit in the chest again.

“I—I didn’t tell Clint to,” she manages to get out through the lump in her throat, “to leave you, Laura.”

Laura’s face creases in shocked pain, her eyes blazing briefly. The hurt look fades from her face, leaving nothing but a fierce glare in its place. “How _dare you_ ,” she gets out stiffly, barely breathing through her fury.

“Laura,” Maria says, putting a hand on her arm. “We don’t have time to waste.”

After Laura vehemently opposes her help, Toni walks quickly to the jet to wait quietly for the rest of them. She moves fast, bringing up her Starkpad quickly, as she schedules press meetings and conferences with one hand and talks to Friday about how to assemble the evidence with Legal against Ross. The blood continues to flow from her lip, her chest aching in pain as though she’s been hit by the shield again.

“Okay, and Friday, make sure to—,” Toni breaks off, the pain suddenly blazing.

Everything within her chest seems to flare up and set her aflame, as Toni falls to her knees weakly, choking hoarsely. Her heart pounds, a wild, valiant thing in its cage, her mind reeling as Toni tries to breathe, the world around her spinning fast. She’s choked up, an overwhelming need to cry burning in her throat, as she stays on the ground, her knees pressed painfully to the hard stone. The world blurs briefly, a terrifying thing as Toni breathes hard with fear and panic.

And her wrist—it _burns_ something fierce.

It has been paining her for a while now, but not like this. This type of pain is relentless, blazing as it stabs heartlessly, an angered, betrayed thing. In the back of her mind, Toni wonders if she should be worried about her soulmark. It cripples Toni, leaves her gasping for air.

“…Boss?” Friday’s voice pokes through the blinding pain, anxious. “Boss, are you alright?”

Toni claws at her chest, briefly, her breaths fraught, as she hacks out pained gasps. Her lungs are burning and yet, they’re tied up at the same time, suffocating her. Everything in her entire body aches and it’s killing her, but Toni stubbornly pushes herself back up to her feet.

She ignores the desperate, aching desire to stay on the ground forever, gaining her balance back slowly. The world comes back into focus as Toni forces herself to breathe, her heart, a crushing weight in her chest.

“I’m—I’m okay, Friday,” she manages to get out, her voice thin even to her own ears. She has a tight hold of her wrist, which has started to bleed again, stemming the flow as best she can. “I’m okay.”

.

.

Toni stumbles heavily into the press conference, her wrist still bleeding.

She’s managed to wrap it up tightly during the ride over on the jet, not trusting any one else to do it for her, while Maria recited the speech for the press conference. Her head aches, but nobody else is going to do this, after all, so it’s up to her.

“Ms Stark!”

“Ms Stark! Over here!”

“CNN, Ms Stark! Is it true that you and Captain America fell out over the Sokovian Accords?”

“Fox and Friends, Ms Stark! Do you feel that you are being unpatriotic by supporting these Sokovian Accords?”

God, she hates _Fox_.

“Ms Stark!”

The world blurs a little in front of her, but Toni presses her palms on the podium to steady herself, the dull pain of her wrist keeping her grounded. She’s all alone up here, Maria somewhere in the back, surrounded by harsh camera flashes and hungry reporters, who have scented a fresh story like blood in the water. Christine Everhart is in the front, as ever, leaning forwards with that shark-like smile of hers.

Blood drips on the podium, thick and heavy from her wrist, seeping through the white of the bandage. Toni swallows thickly, ignores it, and tries to focus on the reporters. Focus on anything other than the pounding screams in her head, anything other than Rhodey, who still hasn’t woken.

God, _Rhodey…_

Her fault. It was her fault—it was _all her fault_. She wasn’t there for his surgery. _No_ , Toni thinks, with a particularly vicious stab of self-hatred curling in her chest. No, she was chasing after Steve in Siberia and getting killed for her stupidity. _Like an idiot._

“Good afternoon, everyone,” Toni says, her voice rasping. She clears her throat once, twice, and drinks thirstily, wishing desperately it was something stronger. “Thank you for coming to humour me today.”

Is the world supposed to spin like that?

Toni breathes hard, blinks fast.

“Ms Stark, the past week has been a whirlwind for us all,” Christine is saying. “Would I be accurate in stating that Steve Rogers has refused to sign the Sokovian Accords and his actions have subsequently led to the destruction of a German airport? Is it true that these actions have been the result of an individual called Helmut Zemo, rather than this Winter Soldier?”

 _Fuck’s sake_ , Toni thinks emptily.

She lets out a dry chuckle that she cuts short before it can grow desperate.

“That was fast, Christine,” she comments. “Your promotion was well-deserved.”

“Thank you for the flowers,” Christine adds, giving her a rare smile.

“You’re right on both accounts,” Toni says honestly, exhaustion bringing her shoulders to a soft slump. Her mother would be horrified, Toni thinks without thinking, and grief hits her hard again, blinding. She clears her throat. “Steve Rogers has refused to sign the Sokovian Accords and, in doing so, has therefore forfeited his right to be an Avenger.” She shakes her head, trying to gather herself. “But you’re trying to distract me, Christine. I actually called you all here to make an announcement.” Toni’s breathing is growing raspy. “I hereby announce the official disbandment of the SHIELD task force known as the Avengers Initiative, effective immediately.”

There’s a startled ripple that cascades over the reporters, as the cameras flash silver in her face even more. Toni blinks, before scanning their reactions hungrily. Some of them look slightly fearful, their brows drawn in concern, but Christine’s gaze is hard with fierce approval. Everhart leans back in that same, smug way she did all those years ago, where Toni had announced herself as Iron Woman, to watch as Toni holds the world in her palm once more.

But Toni is just so tired, now.

It’s like everything within her is draining slowly, her emotions wrung out completely to leave nothing behind. Even the pain is something that she’s grown used to, the protesting blazes of her soulmark something she ignores carelessly.

“Ms Stark, Petra Christakos from CNN. What are the reasons for this decision?”

“Well,” Toni says, lifting her right hand to rub her temples. “Where to begin, Petra? The Avengers were a liability from the very beginning. A reactionary, all-American task force secretly conducted by an agency that worked in the shadows, following orders that nobody knew, attempting to protect the people whose word they had broken.” Toni shrugs. “But none of that matters now. We’ve realised that we are not alone in this universe, so we have to take steps to plan for this. Superpowered individuals, aliens, gods, the whole show. It’s time we started to create a safe sanctuary and laws upon which we can abide by, too.”

“Will you be working with the US government, Ms Stark, to pass these new laws into action?”

“God, no,” Toni says, shaking her head. “I’m skipping them and going straight to the United Nations. Half of them hate me and the other half think I’m entertaining. But all of them listen.” She shrugs. “That’s what I want. If superheroes decide to protect the public, it stands to reason that the public should have a voice by which we should listen.”

Christine Everhart looks absurdly pleased. She raises her hand.

“They’re going to think I have favourites, Christine,” Toni complains, her left hand clenching the wood of the podium tightly.

“We all know you do, Toni,” Christine tells her pleasantly. “Another question—and I’ll give you a free pass, because of your favouritism. You don’t have to answer.” She leans in and her eyes brighten. “What happened in Siberia?”

Toni sways heavily.

_A shield ramming into her throat—_

_Screams in her ears, the car swerving on the road, a broken plea, "Howard—,"_

_Her wrist burning, blazing fiercely—_

_Rhodey, oh Rhodey, how could I leave you?_

“Toni? Toni?”

“Ms Stark!”

“She's going to faint—someone catch her—,”

Toni closes her eyes and waits to die.

.

.

Toni wakes in the hospital with Christine Everhart looking over her.

“ _Shit_ ,” she mutters, trying to get up again. “Shit, shit, shit—,”

“Last time you did that, you fainted into a bunch of reporters,” Christine says flatly.

She _fainted_?

Toni’s stomach clenches fiercely, her heart pounding valiantly in her chest once more as her wrist burns, a dull ache by now. Her gaze turns around the hospital room, as she gathers her bearings once more, slowly blinking as the world rights itself. A heavy disappointment clings to her, as Toni pushes herself back up on the bed stubbornly.

She doesn’t _time_ to faint.

Christine is eyeing her. “I’d advise you to lie back down, Toni.”

Toni snorts. She thinks of the times when she’d be working in the workshop for days until her eyes burned and her fingers grew numb, when Natasha and Steve would have to forcibly remove her. The reminder of _them_ hits her like the shield to the chest again, and Toni forces herself to breathe. She eyes Christine’s hands which are firmly in her lap.

“You’re not going to make me?”

Her voice is rasping and accusatory.

“You’re a grown adult,” Christine returns. “You can make your own decisions.”

Her face doesn’t reflect the carelessness of her tone, Toni realises. The reporter is looking slightly awkward, her fingers fidgeting at her pencil skirt. Toni’s never seen Christine look like this, she thinks, and she lets out a deep sigh before she collapses into the pillow heavily. Her heart aches, but there’s something hollow in it, as though Rhodey took something with him when he fell and refused to wake.

“If you caught me when I fell, I’m sorry,” Toni offers when Christine lingers, her discomfort writhing on her features.

Christine lifts her head and narrows her gaze, not one to stay awkward for long. She looks hard and determined, as though she’s made up her mind about something.

“I didn’t catch you,” she says absently. “That was Smithy from ABC. Ms Hill already sent him flowers.” She watches Toni for a moment, quiet and hesitant, before continuing, “I _did_ get close to you than anyone else.”

Toni eyes her, as flippant as she can manage, but her heart is pounding up a storm. What does Christine know? What could she have seen that she looks like that? Is it Rhodey? The questions burn in her mind, making her reel, and it takes her a long moment to gather herself to answer.

“I’m not interested, Christine,” she says dryly.

Christine barely bats an eye at her pathetic attempt to deflect the situation with flirting humour. Everyone knows it’s a defence mechanism by now, anyway.

“You know, everyone’s always wanted to know what’s under that,” Christine says, nodding towards the bandage wrapped right around her wrist.

Toni stills.

It’s no secret that nobody knows what Toni’s soul mark is. The amount of people who had tried is a little too high a number than it should be. The only good piece of wisdom her father had imparted on her. She finds her voice, clearing her throat.

“And you?”

Christine looks away, her cheeks flushed. She looks uncertain. “When you fell, the bandage caught on a nail,” she explains. “I saw your soulmark, Toni.”

Toni simply looks at Christine. A drag of a heavy breath passes her lips and a tiredness just seeps into her bones, deep and unforgiving. There’s something within her that feels hollowed out and empty now. She never thought this of the reporter, truth be told. She thought Christine had more integrity.

“How much do you want?” she asks eventually.

An expression of horror paints Christine’s face, her mouth parting in shock. Then her gaze settles into something hard and furious.

“You think I can be _bought_?” Christine spits fiercely. “I thought you knew me better, Toni.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I want to know why,” Christine says earnestly, leaning in. When Toni blinks, she hurries to explain. “Why your wrist looks like that.”

She means why her flesh is peeling, why her skin is red and raw under the bandage, Toni realises faintly. Why her wrist looks like that. Toni wants to scoff. The reporter doesn’t care. She just wants the story. Toni wonders what’s worse—wanting a story or the money. Then she thinks—what’s the difference?

“You got a soulmark, Christine?” She asks flippantly.

Christine nods, looking slightly confused. “Of course.”

“Found them?”

“Not yet.”

“And you buy into it? The whole universe-has-your-back thing?” There’s an empty bitterness in Toni’s voice when she speaks, a carelessness that lingers. She arches an unimpressed eyebrow at Christine. “You think soulmates are the end-all, be-all of your everything?”

Christine opens her mouth to answer, before she stops. “No,” she says finally. “I wouldn’t be a good reporter if I thought that there was only one answer to a story.” She leans back, eyeing Toni for so long that when she speaks, Toni thinks she might ask again. “You’re thinner,” she says instead. “I was the first one to notice it. But it’s not just that. You’re looking unhealthy, too. When you fell, they had to take off your make up. I—saw your bones push against your skin, Toni. Your cheeks are hollow, your eyes are dark. The nurses were talking about how you can’t keep anything down, about all these panic attacks and insomnia and chronic pain—,”

“What’s your point?” Toni snarls out, her cheeks flushed defensively. “You going to go running to tell everyone that Toni Stark’s not fit for her job and this time you’ve got the medical evaluation to back it up?”

She feels petty and venomous, her anger propelling her forward to glare at the reporter before her. Toni is defensive, as ever, because every single media outlet and journalist is the same. They love Steve Rogers and they think Toni Stark is the devil incarnate. If Christine runs this story, if she exposes her soulmark to the world, Toni will lose _everything_.

But, Toni thinks of Rhodey, of the Avengers, of this Civil War they’re calling it, hasn’t she, already? Hasn’t she already lost everything?

Christine barely blinks at the venom in her voice. She leans forward, her voice flat. “It’s not news to anyone that you’re not doing too well, Toni,” she says. Her face twists into something like concern, her voice growing gentle. “I think that there’s something wrong, Toni, and if you don’t let it out, it might eat you up.”

The silence that lingers between them is deafening.

“I took one of my knives to it,” Toni says finally.

Christine frowns in confusion. “What?”

“You asked what happened to my soulmark,” Toni says flippantly, making a careless gesture to the mark in question.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t take some twisted, savage joy in the way Christine’s face goes ashen. She hadn’t expected that, Toni thinks. Realisation slowly dawns on her face, Christine’s eyes widening in horror as her gaze drops to Toni’s wrist. But Christine is reminding her of Siberia and Siberia reminds her of Mama and leaving Rhodes to die and _God_ , she doesn't deserve to live—

The hospital door bangs open.

Maria is looking thunderous, her gaze narrowed darkly towards Christine. Toni blinks as Maria storms forward. She’s holding a Starkpad in her hands, clutching it tight enough to snap it in half.

“I told you to go, Ms Everhart,” she bites out, furiously polite. “Toni doesn’t need anyone interrogating her.” She turns her head sharply, her gaze fierce. “What did you tell her?”

“How I like long walks on the beach and why I’ve always had trouble committing to my relationships,” Toni says flippantly, without thinking. “Personally, I think it’d make a great movie.”

Maria’s face darkens and God, Toni thinks, her stomach clenching, she’s finally done it. This is it. She’s finally pushed her too far, and now Maria will leave, just like Pepper, like Happy, like Vision, like everyone else in her shitty life. She’ll be left all alone, like she deserves. Why is she such an asshole?

But Maria swings to loom threateningly over Christine. Her gaze twists into something blazing hard and unforgiving.

“Toni Stark fainting in the middle of a press conference wasn't enough for you?” She bites out fiercely. “You have to come and take advantage of her when she's under heavy medication, too? Whatever lies she's telling you, I’m warning you now, Ms Everhart, Stark Industries’ legal team is one of the best—,”

“She’s not lying,” Christine says.

“I’m not lying,” Toni pipes up, before she reels off into a pained hiss, the movement of her mouth cracking open the barely healed wound Laura made.

Maria’s gaze turns to her, as Christine’s face softens.

“It may be hard to believe but I’ve got a reporter’s integrity,” she tells Maria. “I’ve kept Toni's secrets before.” She turns to face Toni, her gaze resolute and when she speaks, her voice is clear and honest. “I’ll keep this one, too.”

.

.

Toni curls up against Rhodey’s hospital bed, her fingers wrapped tightly around his.

She breathes hard, shaking slightly, her gaze desperate and taut on his smooth features, his closed eyes. Night falls, hard and fast, the room curling with the darkness as Toni takes quiet solace in the black to cry to herself. Her throat is thick and hoarse, her wrist burning fiercely, but Toni stares desperately at Rhodey.

Every effort has been made into helping him, into waking him up again. She’d had him flown out to the one of the top hospitals in the country, with some of the best doctors in the medical profession working over him. Every moment Toni gets to herself, which isn’t many, she spends making his new leg braces. Her stomach had dropped when the doctors had told her that it was unlikely Rhodey would be able to walk again, and the guilt had buried itself deep in her bones.

She’s a bitter, selfish thing. When Rhodey wakes, he won’t want to see her, so Toni desperately takes every moment she has with him now.

“I’m not doing too good without you, platypus,” Toni whispers to Rhodey, her fingers shaking.

Everything’s been up in flames ever since she was brought back from Siberia.

Toni realised just how lucky she was when Friday showed the state of Clint’s farmhouse, the wreckage so great that the smoke still curled in the air even after a week. Closing the Avengers Initiative was more trouble than it was worth, but Toni’s managed it, after two days and three nights of no sleep. She’s struggled through the days, running on coffee and sheer determination, ignoring the urgent protesting burn of her soulmark, as she flies to different states to work on the Accords and bring back Steve Rogers and his war criminal friends. BARF is still in its last stages and Toni’s ironing out the kinks where she sometimes gets stuck in old memories. Stark Industries took a hit when Pepper left, but Toni’s meetings have started to finally pull it all back together.

And her chest aches something fierce, too.

She’s had to put the arc reactor back in, after severe modifications and almost flatlining several times. It had been with a heavy familiarity that the arc reactor had sunken into her chest once more, clinging desperately to the flesh in a way that felt as though it had never left. There’s a pain that echoes dully from her chest, but it’s not as bad as it was when she escaped Afghanistan, at the very least. Toni’s managed to learn enough that the arc reactor is lighter in her chest and she can breathe properly, now.

Sometimes the familiar glow is reassuring when she looks down at it. But other times, Toni just wants nothing more than to tear it out of her chest, her stomach churning as though she’s going to be sick.

She’s breaking apart, Toni can feel it. It’s not just the constant pain echoing hotly from her soulmark, it’s—it’s the fact that she’s entirely alone now. Everything is so awful, so terrible, as Toni moves on autopilot, ten steps ahead as she works on different projects and plans and contingencies for the threats that she _knows_ are coming—and God, she just wants to _die_. She has nobody anymore. People are always there for the good times, after all.

But Toni is desperate. She can’t be here anymore, she doesn’t want to do this anymore. She doesn’t want to feel this pain anymore. She just wants to slip away in the darkness. God, she’s so alone. What is she supposed to do without the people she loves?

Toni feels as though the pain, the emptiness will eat her, devour her whole. Her fingers are shaking as she clutches onto Rhodey desperately, her breaths a hoarse, ragged thing in the dark. The glow of the arc reactor hums gently in the room, spilling a soft blue around them both.

“I thought I’d find you here.”

Maria’s voice is that unnatural softness that Toni still isn’t used to. It doesn’t matter, anyway.

Toni leans heavily back into the chair where she’s curled up her legs, looking smaller than ever. She’s been spending most of her nights here, when she can get away. Most of her time is consumed with working on the new and improved Accords, with gathering information on Ross and the alien threats, building new facilities for superheroes, taking care of the company. But when night comes, Toni refuses to sleep.

Every time she sleeps, she sees faces.

Howard. Mama, most nights. She hears her mother’s horrified screams, the mechanical screeching of the car, and wakes screaming before her mother can die all over again. Rhodes, on the nights she doesn’t see her mama. Her treacherous mind conjures up images of Rhodes, of her best friend's face as he realises she’s not there to save him, as he flatlines horrifically. Those nights, Toni can’t stop whatever’s in her stomach from coming out.

“I finished the reports,” Toni tells Maria.

She's trying to put less pressure and burdens on Maria, trying to call her less, too. Anything so Maria doesn't leave like Pepper and Happy did.

“Yeah, I got them,” Maria tells her. Her fingers rest on the door as she looks to Toni, something strange creasing her features. “Toni. The—the Accords are through. Steve’s coming home.”

“Oh.”

Her soulmark flares so bright and furious that Toni catches the hiss of pain between her teeth just in time. She stills briefly, feeling like she’s been punched in the stomach. Her head reels, because she hadn’t prepared for it mentally, hadn’t realised that it could happen so soon. But everyone loves Cap, Toni thinks, a dry, bitter thing.

“Toni?”

“Yeah?”

Maria looks hesitant. “You should be going home to sleep.”

“Yeah,” Toni lies. “I will.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I just love you all. Every single comment and kudos you leave me just leaves me grinning for the whole day - thank you all so much!
> 
> People are wondering whether Pepper or Happy might be coming back - so I want to clear that up and say that neither of them will be coming for this story. Happy is a character I don't know very much about, while Pepper is a character I don't personally enjoy very much, which is probably the kindest I'll ever be about her, lol. Again, thank you all so much for reading, for taking the time out of your day to read my story, and I hope you enjoy! :D

Toni stares at the suit before her.

It’s a glorious thing, the bitter irony of the universe. Her hands can make and break beautiful things, with the same amount of strength. Red and gold gleams from the metal plates, the hole of the arc reactor gaping and glaring at her. Toni reaches forward to quietly slip the latches into place, shielding the arc reactor with reinforced steel, her heart pounding.

No way will she ever be caught like that by Steve— _Rogers_ , again. He’d cracked apart the arc reactor with his stupid supersoldier strength, she thinks bitterly, her fingers caressing the cold metal slowly, lovingly. Toni’s gaze lingers, and she can feel herself drifting again. Every time she gets a moment to herself, to breathe, she thinks of Rogers trying to kill her, thinks of hurtling through space with the heavy weight of a nuclear bomb on her back, thinks of dying in freezing Siberia, and she can’t _breathe_.

“Friday?” Toni’s voice cracks slightly in her desperation. “You there, girl?”

Anything to fill the hollowing emptiness of the Compound. She hates it in here, hates all the rooms she fashioned especially for all of them—the large rooms outfitted with Hulk’s favourite things, the ballet studio for Romanoff, the training rooms for Rogers. How many times had he split open those fucking punching bags? Their rooms are empty, but when Toni looks into them, all she wants to do is rage and tear them to pieces.

She’d almost stormed into Rogers’ room and torn down his stupid drawings, before the energy had simply drained from her. Even that stupid brick phone and letter he’d sent her, like she was some cavewoman from the Stone Ages—it had taken everything within her to stop herself from letting DUM-e go to town on it. This lack of energy is scaring her more than anything, Toni thinks. She’s never felt so defeated before. It reminds her of Afghanistan. Her gaze turns once more to the liquor cabinet in the corner and Toni’s fingers itch.

Friday’s voice is an overwhelming surge of relief on her shoulders. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to be here, boss,” she says gently. “I think Ms Everhart is right. I’m—getting worried.”

“I love you too, Friday,” Toni says, her heart catching desperately for her AI, burning briefly for Jarvis, her first love. “I missed you so bad, girl.”

“I’m always here,” Friday tells her.

She pauses, a touch of humanity lingering in her affectations that Toni is secretly proud of. When she’d brought Friday to life, she’d been terrified of another Ultron, and even the rest of the Avengers had confessed their doubts and worries of her capable hands. Toni had been sick with grief and had confined Friday to basic capabilities, in her suffocating guilt and fear, but now, Toni has programmed Friday to have a little more freedom. She’d done it in a bout of insomnia and guilt one night, desperate for something a little human to be by her side.

“I know,” Toni murmurs.

“I’ve upgraded all the systems in the new suit,” Friday tells her. “I lost you in Siberia, boss. Now, no matter where you go, I’ll never lose you again.”

Perhaps it would be a good idea if Toni loses herself, she thinks briefly. If she simply lets go of everything clinging desperately to her bones, lets the emptiness pour away, too.

Toni clears her throat, swallowing thickly. “Friday?”

“Yes, boss?”

“You, uh, you wanna come somewhere with me?”

Night has fallen, short and heavy, and Toni is grateful for it. It’s both quiet and heavy all at once. Days are filled with flurries of things and her mind reeling with a hundred things to do, but nights are when she can let herself burn out for Rhodey.

“Boss, you have to sleep,” Friday tells her.

“I will, I will,” Toni mumbles, but she lifts her head, the Iron Woman suit closing up around her.

After a beat, Friday murmurs, “Where to, boss?”

Toni doesn’t answer, moving swiftly through the Compound to fall. She makes the suit invisible as she moves through the air slowly, having replicated the same capabilities of the quinjet, watching as the metal ripples briefly before disappearing. Toni doesn’t move too quickly, very conscious of the heavy weight of the suit. She almost feels as though she’s back in Siberia again, but no. Rogers may have taken her breaths, her arc reactor, the truths, but he won’t take her suit. She grits her teeth in determination, her soulmark burning.

She won’t let him.

When Toni lands, she lands softly, quietly, on the little patch of land. Her breath hitches and Friday keeps quiet, the metal of the suit the only sound in the night.

“Friday?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Stay with me,” Toni murmurs, as she gets out of the suit.

“Always.”

Her gaze lingers on the stone tombstones, her breaths fraught. Toni’s got a lump in her throat and her knees grow weak, but she moves forward regardless. Her stomach drops, and her fingers are growing clammy with sweat, the smell of wild roses and violets spiking the air around her.

Toni reaches for her mother’s headstone first, glistening tears slipping down her cheeks. Her fingers curl over the soft, cold marble as she sinks to her knees in the dirt. Ivy and moss cling to the tombstone, curving around Maria’s name reverently, and Toni turns her head, her heart in her throat.

Howard’s name is completely covered in greenery, only the _Stark_ gleaming in the silvery moonlight. Toni’s gaze drops to the bandage wrapped around her wrist briefly, before she glares at her father’s name. The anger within her begins to finally fade, draining itself slowly. How she’d hated her father for what he’d done to her. It was only after he’d died that Toni had even realised that it was abuse. Rhodey had explained it to her gently after their funeral when Toni couldn't understand her conflicted feelings, his gaze steady as he explained that abuse didn’t always have to be physical. While Howard Stark would never hit a woman, it didn’t mean that he couldn’t inflict pain in other ways.

But now she simply stares at his tombstone, remembers the way he’d begged the Winter Soldier for help.

Toni takes a deep breath and reaches to touch her dad’s headstone for the first time.

.

.

Amidst the fire that blazes around the Avengers returning to the United States, Christine’s latest scathing articles outline Toni Stark and her triumphs.

It’s a pleasant surprise to find when Friday brings up the news to Toni, a little golden nugget amidst all the _Toni Stark is the devil for trying to destroy America’s democracy_ rhetoric that’s been cropping up recently. Most of the US government hate her, including the President, who has a vintage collection of Captain America cards. However, according to Friday, Toni’s apparently pretty popular on Twitter and other social media, where #ToniStarkDefenceSquad trends worldwide every so often. The Twitter-sphere had imploded softly when videos of Toni Stark fainting in a press interview had spread everywhere like wildfire, with people vocally protecting Toni Stark, especially in the light of the Avengers returning.

Sometimes, Toni reads their messages, sends them anonymous gifts, feels a little lighter.

As per Maria’s strict instructions—Maria, who is getting more and more surprised that Toni is listening to her, but, as Toni likes to argue, she _always_ listen—Toni keeps her head down, her wrist bandaged up, and her focus on work. Thanks to the recent onslaught of press, Stark Industries is booming, and the board members are finally listening to her about creating start-ups in India. Toni doesn’t really care about making money anymore—all she wants is for the science foundation programs focused towards young kids, the BARF projects, the clean energy ideas to all go through. Most of the board, thankfully, is only too happy to let her do what she wants, as long as the company keeps flourishing.

Toni is moving swiftly around her workshop in the Tower, working on a dozen things at once when it happens. Her gaze turns over the shield, move briskly over the metal arm, Falcon’s wings, the Widow’s Bites, her jaw clenching in sheer fury. The shield has a dent in it from where she’d blasted it with a repulsor and most of the metal arm has been broken apart. Falcon’s wings are relatively untouched, but for where she tore it apart when she came back from seeing Rhodey the first time. It had hurt when she’d woken up to see the Widow’s Bites crackling with electricity, breaking apart, realising that she’d smashed them in an angered fit.

Ignoring it all, she begins, turning her face towards the screen displaying the news, as she hammers out a new kink in Rhodey’s leg braces, reads briefly over the new propositions, regarding the Avengers and the Accords, and fixes the programming in the Iron Woman suit, “Don’t forget to schedule that meeting with—,”

The world goes out like a light.

Suddenly, Toni is breathing hard, darkness all around her as she fights to see. The soft glow of her arc reactor is a beacon, but it lights up something horrifyingly familiar before Toni. Her stomach drops, and she can’t _breathe_ —

The aching vastness of black space, aliens and spaceships larger than anything she’s ever seen swimming through the void—

She’s burning up, with a flimsy nuclear bomb on her back, the suit turning into a metal coffin as Toni struggles—she’s back, she’s back, it’s New York all over again, and it’s not going to end this time—

Stars, gleaming bright and devastatingly beautiful, flicker around her, and they’re calling for her, singing her name, and she’s going to die, she’s going to disappear into the empty black void before her, and it’s so terrifying she can barely breathe—she’s screaming but nobody can hear her, nobody is listening, she can barely breathe—

And then her wrist is on _fire_.

It brings her back with a sharp jolt. A soft whisper echoes in the horrifying vastness of space, a sweet, affectionate caress against her ears.

 _“Toni Stark,”_ someone calls. _“What have you done, Toni Stark? ... gift from the gods ...is coming...”_

Toni can’t breathe, she can’t see—

The pain in her soulmark is blinding, blazing, sputtering—

_“Thanos... Thanos is coming, Toni Stark...”_

“Toni? Toni!”

The world stops spinning with a jolt, as Toni blinks, blackness pouring away slowly. The vast emptiness of space is no longer echoing out around her, and she attempts to lift herself, her head pounding, but there’s a weight on her shoulder, keeping her down. Toni begins to panic, struggling, the ache of the shield echoing on her chest, protecting her arc reactor with one hand— _Thanos_ , she thinks, her wrist burning, as blood drips down her arm—

“No, Toni, it’s just me—it’s okay, it’s just me.” Maria’s voice finds its way through the haze. “You’re alright. You’re in the Tower. Friday lost you for a bit, because you fell. You’re supposed to be eating lunch, but Friday told me that you haven’t eaten anything, so I came up…”

Maria continues to talk, laying out the scene, and Toni lets herself breathe out slowly, latching onto her voice as she opens her eyes. She’s still weak, her body aching as it turns itself against her, collapsing heavily on the floor, but Toni can see now. The Tower is flooded with light, a sharp and beautiful contrast to the dark, echoing emptiness of space, and everything seems fine, now. Her heart is still pounding, and her body has gone cold, as Toni realises numbly that Maria put her in the recovery position, as she attempts to lift herself up.

“How long was I out?” she asks, her mind reeling, her voice a mumble.

“Not very long, boss,” Friday tells her. “About three minutes.”

Toni breathes out hotly. “Thanos,” she murmurs, the name tasting bitter in her mouth.

This is it, she thinks blindingly. They’re in the end game now. It has a name. It has a _name_. Thanos, Thanos, _Thanos_. Instead of fear and panic, as Toni had half expected, there’s stiff determination curling in her stomach and overwhelming relief sinking into her shoulders. It’s not all in her head, she thinks desperately, her fingers clutching her sleeve tightly, as Maria’s voice echoes around them.

Finally, _finally_.

“Toni?” Maria is staring at her, from her place beside Toni. She’d dropped to her knees, her gaze worried, clearly not caring about getting her pencil skirt dirty, as she presses her hand to Toni’s forehead. “You don’t feel warm. I think you just need to eat something, but I’ll schedule another check-up—,”

“There’s no need for that, Maria, thanks—,”

“We can’t have you fainting again, Toni,” Maria tells her. Her gaze lingers briefly on Toni’s healed mouth and she murmurs, “Laura shouldn’t have done that to you.” She’s startled as Maria continues. “Besides, I brought food—pasta carbonara. I read somewhere in _Rolling Stone_ that that’s supposed to be your favourite.”

For a moment, Toni pauses, startled. Steve’s favourite food is pasta carbonara, but the thing that touches her is that Maria tried. Toni wrinkles her nose and shakes her head. “I actually lied in that interview. I hate pasta,” she confesses, as she crawls on the floor towards the desk weakly. She doesn’t want to say _why_ she lied. “I’m a disgrace to all Italians.”

Maria is gaping after her. “Toni, would you at least lie back down—,”

But a bounding sense of excitement is beginning to thrum through her veins, something she hasn’t felt in years, as Toni realises what is billowing warmly within her is _hope_. Actual hope. Is that what this feels like?

“Thanos, Maria! Thanos—his name is Thanos! It has a fucking name!” Toni is ecstatic, scrambling to lift herself to her feet as she reaches for her new things, brushing aside the scrap papers of the new weapons she’s been creating for the Avengers. “I’m not crazy—I’m not—,”

“Boss,” Friday is saying softly. “You _sound_ crazy.”

Toni stills suddenly, nervous. Her fingers freeze on the pencils, tapping briefly at the Starkpad, before she lifts her head. Maria is looking at her worriedly, slightly startled, and when Toni follows her gaze, she sees it’s lingering at the bandage on her wrist. The bandage has loosened again, blood staining the white briefly, as it wracks with a blinding pain.

“Toni, I know that you—you get excited about stuff. Pepper—uh, warned—told me that you like to do that,” Maria says, faltering over her words, her cheeks flushed at her sudden slip.

Pepper _warned_ her. Toni goes cold all over, her gaze dropping back to her desk and her jaw clenching in brief defensive fury. That’s just fantastic, she thinks spitefully. Toni Stark, the billionaire idiot, who doesn’t have any idea to take care of herself, whose coping mechanisms are the end of a bottle— _God_ , she thinks angrily, her fist clenching.

Is this what Pepper thought of her, all this time? Something to be treated as a dog, as a child? Did she leave a list of instructions about how to deal with Toni Stark, when she left?

“Pepper warned you,” Toni repeats flatly, eyeing Maria. Her jaw clenches as she turns around, her voice rising in her anger. “Did she tell you about my shitty PTSD, too? Did you laugh with her about how I can’t keep anything down, how I can’t sleep? Is that what you all think of me? I’m an idiot, pretending at being a superhero, who can’t get over it—,”

“That’s _enough_ , Toni,” Maria says sharply, her gaze blinding. “I know you think pretending to be an asshole is going to push me away, but it’s not.”

 _Because you’re on my payroll_.

Toni breathes hard. “You don’t—you don’t have to get me food, or anything, Maria,” she gets out, a lump in her throat. She doesn’t deserve the kindness of people.

Maria eyes her. “I know,” she says. “But I choose to. Toni, you’re not doing good—and you _know_ this. If anyone laughs at you about your trauma, they’re the assholes, not you.” She clears her throat. “You forget that I worked in SHIELD, Toni. I know what agents with severe PTSD and trauma look like. You need help.”

“I’m not crazy,” Toni insists, her voice thin and slightly hoarse. She’s desperate for someone to believe her—someone, _anyone_. She’d tried to convince the other Avengers, but they hadn’t understood. “He’s—it’s _Thanos_ , Maria. That’s his name. New York—he did it, he was behind New York, behind everything. And—and he’s been in my head for six years—,”

“Okay,” Maria says, and Toni is so startled she stops speaking. “I believe you, Toni.”

“What?” Toni stares at her, wonders if she’s being made fun of.

“I’ve seen you at work, Toni, for years,” she tells her. “From an objective standpoint, another threat, another attack, is imminent. Fury thought so, too. He saw the future in you too.”

“Was that before or after he decided gaslighting and attacking me in my own home was a good idea?”

Maria winces. “He made decisions I didn’t agree with,” she says. “But if you say that something’s coming, I believe you. We’ll get everything sorted for this Thanos, but first, Toni?”

“What?”

“The press conference,” Maria tells her. “You have to be there for Steve and the others, remember?”

_Motherfuc—_

.

.

“So, your dress is already made for the charity gala,” Maria is telling her as they walk fast. “The conference is going to be over soon—oh, and have I mentioned how much I love Christine? That woman is the only one talking about how you’re giving voice and value to the people, before any amendments in the accords.”

“At least it’s working,” Toni says, tapping briefly through the Starkpad, Friday’s voice in her ear. She screws her face up, eyeing the speech with a critical eye, as she continues absently. “Most of the UN are starting to listen to me and I only got threatened twice last week. One was from Russia, who threatens everyone, so does it really count?”

“Is this the threat banning you from everything Moscow?” Maria asks, rummaging through her papers distractedly. “Legal already told me about that. Apparently, you’re not so popular with the high government officials, especially after CNN leaked all those Putin emails with Ross.” Maria pauses to fix her with a critical eye, her lips twitching briefly. “People are wondering why his spam box is filled with Putin memes.”

Toni doesn’t give anything away.

“Beats me,” she says innocently, wide-eyed. “Maybe he has a kink.”

There’s a small silence that descends between them in which Maria looks ready to break into laughter. Her lips twitch and her eyes crinkle, but she manages to hold herself back pretty well. Toni smirks to herself smugly, as they walk, before a shadow casts over them.

“Ms Stark,” Ross says, his voice slimy as he smiles at them both. “Ms Hill.”

“Secretary,” Toni says, her fingers itching to punch him in the face repeatedly.

“If I could have a moment?” he asks.

“We’re rather busy, Secretary, if you don’t mind—,” Maria begins, her glare resounding.

But Toni knows better, her heart in her throat. She inclines her head briefly, before following Ross quietly, going cold with fear all over. Ross’ stance is greater than her own, terrifyingly so, and she knows that she simply has to put one wrong toe out of line and he’ll throw her in the Raft, faster than she can blink. He’s already convinced that she had something to do with helping Steve break out the rest of the Avengers— _which she had—_ and Toni knows, from Friday, that he’s rapidly searching ways to frame her for that. God, she can’t wait until she arrests him.

“Is something wrong, Secretary Ross?” Toni asks, her voice taut and as polite as she can make it.

She feels stiff in her blouse and skirt, her hands clammy with sweat, as Ross glares at her. He’s such a prick, especially because he knows he can’t say anything when she’s this insultingly polite. It’s the only source of comfort she takes from these meetings. He wants to fluster her, but she _refuses_ to be flustered.

Not when everything lies before her fingertips. Toni could sing with triumph—she has a name, she has the beginnings of a plan, a project. In the span of the half-hour it took for her to get ready for the press conference, she’d managed to bolt down some food and discover the brief beginnings of exactly what Thanos is. It’s difficult, as he’s an alien, but there’s stuff in mythology that speaks of a great purple Titan with a hungry heart and insatiable thirst for everything. Hey, if Loki and Thor were real, who's to say a purple grape with a god complex isn't? Never let it be said that Toni Stark doesn't have an open mind.

“You must be happy, Stark,” Ross says grimly. “You’ve got all your old friends back.”

Toni forces a smile. “Yes, Secretary. I’m glad that our combined efforts have led to the restoration of the Avengers program.” Which will now be heavily overseen by the United Nations, she thinks, smug with satisfaction.

“These pardons won’t protect them forever,” Ross warns tightly. “They’re a danger to society, Stark, and you know this.” He leans in briefly. “Look, you’re a smart girl, Stark. You can hide Lang and Barton’s families from me, I don’t care. You can hide what’s under that—,” here, he eyes her bandaged wrist, and Toni goes cold with fear. “But you can’t hide what’s coming. You’d best be careful, Stark.”

She’s seething, at this point, her fingers trembling as she breathes hard. Even so, Toni smiles painfully at the Secretary of State, her breaths fraught, as her heart pounds loud with crippling fear. She’s never been more terrified and angrier than right here, her fingers clammy with sweat and her head aching. Rhodey, she thinks, would know what to do. He’s better at this than her.

But more than that, she just wants not to be alone anymore.

.

.

Toni is still shaking when she enters the press conference.

But she knows that Ross is just waiting for her to slip up, so Toni sends off a rapid message to Maria about moving Laura and the Langs, before she puts on her press-friendly smile and enters. She’s in her element at the press conference, with the reporters in the palm of her hand.

She teases them, laughs with them, jokes briefly about fainting again. She’s cool with these sharks with an ease that has been built into her through the years, since the first time Howard presented her and her circuit board to the world, her mother’s protests falling to deaf ears. Sometimes she thinks she hates her dad for it, but, as she proceeds to charm the reporters, Toni knows that she never would have survived otherwise.

“Christine, my favourite reporter. I loved that piece about my ego, very original,” she says, shooting the reporter in question a blinding grin. “You were too good to me.”

“Credit where credit is due, Toni,” Christine says, smiling to her. “Your work with the government in Sokovia has been a great help in rebuilding the foundations, I’ll admit it.”

On the panel, Maximoff stiffens, and Toni sees Everhart’s sharp eyes catch the movement quickly.

Toni takes a deep breath, before she turns to look at them all. They’re all there, all of them. Steve’s gaze lingers on her. Natasha is staring at her, as though trying to figure her out, with that cocky tilt to her mouth. Wanda and Clint are attempting to hold back their hate-filled expressions and doing terrible jobs. Barnes’ face is so filled with guilt that Toni wants to punch it. Sam and Scott are the only ones who look vaguely normal.

Her gaze turns to Rogers, her wrist burning and flaring up a storm. For fuck’s sake, Rogers looks like he stepped out of a catalogue. Not even a hair out of place. Is that a fucking _beard_? And here she is, looking like the contents of a garbage bin.

Tense and wound like a spring, Toni moves slowly through the room to sit beside them. Nobody else has said anything yet, but Toni feels Rogers’ heavy gaze on her. They all keep staring at her helplessly like that. It’s like teaching children, Toni thinks, exasperated, as she sits beside Scott and Sam, the easiest ones. Toni sends a breathless grateful thanks to Maria for arranging the seating.

“So, what exactly are you doing to apologise for your decisions during the Civil War, Captain Rogers?" Everhart asks, and God, she just _had_ to go with the hard-hitting questions, didn’t she?

Toni keeps her smile hitched onto her face, as Rogers replies satisfactorily. He’s not a charming speaker, a very clear contrast against her, but he has this honest, clear-cut way about him. it’s the American golden boy ideal, complete with perfect golden hair and baby blues to boot, Toni thinks bitterly. He just looks like someone you would trust without hesitation, and she had, she _had_ , once. She had loved him deeply, had trusted him, had thought that he trusted her back.

Oh, to go back to those sweet days where she hadn’t cared if Steve hurt her, because she just loved him so much.

As Rogers answers more questions, with Romanoff’s clear voice ringing out more than once, Toni sits back to watch. Her stomach churns uncomfortably and she’s tense, trying not to show it, but keeps her perfect media-friendly smile on her face. Every free moment they have, they keep looking at her. Romanoff looks at her with that sad look that says she knows Toni is faking all of her smiles, Barnes is heavy-eyed, Wilson’s nerves drip off him, as Lang tenses, Maximoff and Barton are defensive, and Rogers just looks like the saddest golden retriever.

“What happened in Siberia?” a reporter asks.

Toni stiffens.

 _America’s favourite golden boy killed me_ , she wants to say.

_He and my parents’ killer killed me. Your beloved Captain used my father’s shield, a gift, to shatter my chest, break my rib cage apart, and leave me choking on my own blood for hours. Then I was found in the dirt by a few Siberian hikers, who took me to the nearest hospital. A few non-disclosure agreements, a bunch of medication, and fifty-two hours in extensive surgery later, and here I am._

“Siberia, Petra? You’re going to start with _Siberia_?” she says instead, laughingly.

Petra’s gaze lingers on her and the faintest trace of concern flickers briefly across her face, before it goes hard. “I want to hear it from Captain America himself. He should have protected our Iron Woman from all those hits that you took from those dormant Winter Soldiers, Ms Stark.”

If it were Everhart, Toni knows that Christine wouldn’t even give them a slip. But Petra is not as cutthroat or careful, and she’s _so_ grateful for it. She can already sense their confusion, can see Barnes’ face filling with bewildered fury, Rogers’ eyes widening briefly.

“Go on, Cap,” Toni says smilingly, as though she’s being indulgent, her soulmark burning. “Tell them the story, again.” She rolls her eyes as though it’s another boring mission, as though she’s one of them listening to her talk frantically about the imminent threats. “All those Winter Soldiers Zemo left for us to take down.”

When she looks at Rogers, he’s startled, staring at her.

She shoots him a meaningful look, one that she hopes is threatening, that says something along the lines of, _if you don’t lie to them right now, everything I have ever done for years will have been for nothing, will crumble apart the moment you confess that you left me to die. For once in your life, do something useful for me. Don’t be an idiot, you American idiot._

Toni hopes he gets the message.

When Rogers speaks, he speaks of the mission briefly. But he talks more about second chances and the Accords, clearly reiterating sentiments that his PR team have told him.

Toni breathes a quiet sigh of relief.

“…had our differences, but all is forgiven now.”

And then Steve is standing up and holding out his hand for Toni to shake.

It takes everything within Toni not to flinch back or to reach forward and break Rogers’ perfect smile. Her heart is pounding, her fingers clammy with sweat, as she tries to breathe through the blinding pain, twisted and wrought in rage and fury. In the back, Maria is looking to her, with some slight confusion. Her wrist burns, her soulmark aching. The reporters are waiting patiently, and Toni does not want to be here. Toni wants to be a million miles away, wants to break down to her knees, wants to sob and cry and scream, wants to see Rhodey.

Because the man before her knew the secret to her worst lie, the man before her tried to kill her, the man before her is her fucking _soulmate_.

What a joke.

Instead, Toni holds herself straight and reaches to shake Steve’s hand. His smile widens with relief, as she smiles back perfectly. “Of course,” Toni says easily, smiling all over her face. “Thank you for forgiving me, Steve. It means a lot to me. And I’m glad that you’re back.”

She’s going to be sick.

The reporters go mad, asking question after question, and Toni holds herself taut. She keeps the smile on her face, even cracks a few easy jokes.

As soon as the press conference is over, Toni stumbles heavily into the bathroom. She sinks to her knees and breaks down before she can stop herself, as she throws up over and over until there is nothing left in her stomach.

God, the words had been a struggle to even get out. Oh, God, she can’t _breathe—she can’t breathe—_ Toni is sobbing heavily. She wipes her mouth, attempting to wash her face, but she sinks weakly back against the wall, her knees pressed against the cold marble painfully, before she rests her head against the wall.

“Boss? Boss, are you alright?” Friday is asking in her ear, the Irish lilt tainted with the soft note of worry. “Boss? Can I call someone, _please—_ ,”

“I’m—I’m fine, Fri,” Toni manages to get out, breathing hard. “Just—Friday?

“Yes, boss?”

“Can you—can you just talk?”

“Yes, boss.”

Toni listens to Friday natter on about anything, as her heart rate climbs back to normal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta clear this up: Howard Stark is an abusive piece of shit and I really hope that came across in the scene. I always find stories with the Starks fascinating because it's clear that Howard did love his child, in his own way, but he was abusive and damaging to Tony, imo, irregardless of whatever Marvel tries to say. Calling your child your "greatest creation" as though he's some Frankenstein's creature, in a shitty two-minute video that he finds on the off-chance years after your death, does not give you bonus points, imo. So I did sort of want to explore the difficult dynamic of still loving someone who hurt you, of the struggle of mourning for that, as well.
> 
> Also everyone hates Team Cap and I love it, it's hilarious, but I will try to portray 3-d characters, too. I want to show that everyone is good and bad, even Toni.
> 
> So again, I'm so grateful for everyone's comments and kudos and it really lifts my spirits every time I see that someone has enjoyed my story! Thank you all so much :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love all the comments that everyone's been leaving! I'm so surprised at every single one of them and so happy that everyone's enjoying the story! Thank you all so much!
> 
> This chapter was a bitch to write, but I'm hoping people like it? Enjoy!

Toni drapes herself in her armour.

Or rather her gala clothes, which consists of a deep red gown that fits all her curves before billowing out around her waist. It's got a large slit all the way up to her knee and a deep, plunging neckline, highlighting her collarbones. Toni's going all out now that her injuries have mostly cleared up. Now she doesn't look like a bunch of bruises, but for the ever-present wrist.

No amount of surgery has managed to even halfway begin to heal what she'd done to herself, for the mutilated flesh refuses to heal itself, leaving only flickers of the shield print against her wrist. If she moves too quickly or breathes or does anything, the bleeding starts up again.

All in all, it's an annoying inconvenience.

But Toni's found a solution—her gauntlets. Not only do they hold a suit within them, but she's fashioned them out to cover her wrists as a fashion piece. They're made of a light, malleable metal so it's not uncomfortable on her skin and they do a good job of wrapping her soul mark.

When Toni had first worn them out, _Vogue_ had snapped a picture, and suddenly, now everyone's wearing gauntlets on their wrists.

She turns up in a car that Maria insists she doesn't drive herself, her heart aching for Happy and her fingers itching to drive herself. Toni is antsy the whole ride there, tapping her fingers against the leather seat and attempting to distract herself by checking her phone. She’s not nervous about the gala, but her heart pounds fierce, the arc reactor getting heavier in her chest, whenever she doesn't drive herself anywhere.

“We’re here, Ms Stark,” Delia, her new driver, tells her.

Toni throws her a quick, appreciative smile.

She knows she’s a mess to handle, even on a good day, and it can’t have been fun having to listen to Toni frantically chanting the names of the people around her to calm herself down, before that had ended up too short a list. She’d had to subvert to the periodic table in a mad panic.

“Thanks, Delia,” she says, relieved. “You can take the night off. I’ll be driving myself home.”

“Of course, Ms Stark,” Delia tells her, and there’s an understanding nod the driver gives her that eases the guilty stab in her stomach.

Toni enters the gala fashionably late, in such a way that she manages to capture the attention of everyone there. Her father had taught her a lot of things to be able to survive in the cutthroat world of business, his lessons a little unorthodox, perhaps, Toni thinks, her wrist burning in reminder, but her mother was the one who dressed her in armour and taught her how to live.

“Here,” Maria says, offering her a gleaming champagne flute, but Toni shakes her head.

“Not drinking tonight,” Toni tells her. “I'm driving.”

She hasn't touched a glass since Siberia, but sometimes the cravings feel like something is crawling in her skin and howling to get out. When it gets too terrible, Toni usually gets as far as the liquor cabinet, Friday’s soft voice comforting, before she remembers Rhodey or Pepper or Siberia and has to throw up.

“Alright,” Maria says, before promptly downing the glass for herself. When she registers Toni’s faint look of surprise, she explains, “I hate these things. Had to go on a couple during my missions. Always filled with snobby rich idiots.”

“Well, you’re with the snobbiest, richest idiot out of them all,” Toni tells her. “I bet you never tried to have fun on these missions. Not even a glass of wine?”

Maria shoots her one of her patented disparaging looks. “I was on the clock,” she says dryly.

“Well, now you’re about to get trashed on fifty-five thousand dollar whiskey, and have the time of your life, a la Toni Stark style.”

.

.

True to her word and her Stark legacy, the party doesn't start till Toni walks in.

Half an hour in, she’s got everyone happily drunk and spending more money towards the charities in this gala than they'd initially planned. An hour in and Maria watches, sipping her wine, as Toni engineers conversations with ease, laughing and dancing with so many people that it’s a wonder her feet aren't killing her. Toni doesn’t let anything slip from her face, doesn’t show anything of her real emotions, as she promptly gives Maria a raise, starts another fashion trend, and supplies the Superhero Clean-Up Act with enough funds to spur them through for a whole year, even if Rogers went crazy again. Toni cites that an accomplishment.

“Why won't you show your soul mark?” one CEO asks her, eyes glinting greedily.

Toni breaks into a grin, though her stomach clenches uncomfortably. “You want the real truth?” she asks, as they lean in. “It’s ugly as _fuck_.”

The entire group bursts into raucous laughter and Toni makes sure to leave them as fast as she can.

“You had two panic attacks in the space of fifteen minutes,” comes a voice when she finally gets a moment to herself at the bar.

Toni stiffens, turning her head to eye Rumlow before her.

The man is a sight for sore eyes, but he doesn't look like he'll attack anyone. Instead, he's seated casually at the bar, drinking happily, as he eyes her with a narrowed, sharp gaze. Her eyes drop down to the ankle monitor meaningfully. Toni shrugs, but the gauntlets at her wrist gleam brightly, protectively.

“Old news,” she tells him flatly, eating a few dry peanuts hungrily. “Public already knows that I have PTSD and insomnia. All the STIs, though—that's fake news.”

Rumlow chuckles low under his breath, a dry sound of actual amusement. “I’m not a reporter, Stark,” he tells her. “I'm just curious.”

Toni arches an eyebrow. “I didn’t think Hydra bought you for the ability to _think_ ,” she says cuttingly.

“Ouch,” Rumlow says, but Toni shrugs.

“Hey, a Nazi’s a Nazi, mate,” she tells him dryly.

“What about a reformed Nazi?” he offers. “I left Hydra.”

“Can you do that?” Toni asks, genuinely curious. “I thought it was like signing up to the Church of Scientology or pinkie promises. Blood in, blood out.”

Rumlow shrugs. “They tried to kill me for it, but we’ve found that I’m a stubborn piece of shit who refuses to die,” he tells her, grinning.

“Why'd you leave?”

“Would you believe it if I told you I had a change of heart?”

“Nope.”

“Hydra's pension plan is shit.”

“Now _that_ , I believe,” Toni says promptly. She eyes him curiously, her stomach clenching with discomfort. “How did you see me having a panic attack?”

“Like recognises like,” Rumlow says flippantly, but when he looks at her, Toni knows how serious he is. "What I want to know, is how you pulled yourself out of them."

“Periodic table,” Toni tells him.

“Nerd.”

“Billionaire,” she corrects with a rakish grin that Rumlow can’t help but return.

He clinks her glass of water, eyeing it curiously. “Been reading about you in the papers,” Rumlow says. “A lot of people are getting worried. What are you hiding, Stark?”

Toni lets out a heavy breath. But _eh._ She’s told the story countless times. What’s one more?

“The endgame,” she tells him, using a lazy finger to poke up, her wrist burning under the cool metal of her gauntlets. “What’s up there is coming.”

Instead of ignoring her or waving away her anxieties, Rumlow blinks. He clearly hadn’t been expecting that, she thinks, as the man leans in. Something like alarm flickers across his face as his eyes narrow.

“What’s up there?” he repeats.

“Hmm,” Toni hums nonchalantly. “Thanos. Great big purple alien that Friday and I have been looking into. He was behind New York, you know.”

Rumlow looks like he’s been hit in the throat, his cheeks turning wan as his eyes widen. He’s staring at her as though he can’t quite believe her words, but Toni watches as his gaze slowly trails upwards to the sky where Thanos awaits. Toni eyes him curiously, wondering if he might be making fun of her, but there’s too much raw emotion writhing on his features for him to trick her. Either that, or he’s a really good actor.

“Is he planning another New York?” Rumlow asks, then, his voice wary.

Toni’s faux nonchalance slides away, and she grows serious for the first time in the whole evening. Her wrist burns briefly, in reminder, as Toni thinks of the whispering voice, how they’d warned her that there was something she had _done_. Toni has no idea what she could have possibly done now, but that’s just her shitshow of a life, isn’t it?

“If I had to make an educated guess,” she says, her voice slow and quiet, “I’d think that he’s planning another entire _universe_.”

And that’s it for them, as Rumlow and Toni descend into frenzied conversation about Thanos and her fears, her plans, her contingencies. About what she’d seen through that wormhole, knowing that they all hadn’t died, that they were all just stopped temporarily, but they were still coming. They _were_ coming.

It’s gratifying to finally have someone who actually believes her.

Rhodey would, but—she can’t think about Rhodey without feeling like she’s in Siberia again. Though Toni had told Maria, she hasn’t dared to bring up the topic again. She’s terrified that Maria will leave her, as it is. Her pathetic attempt at giving her a raise tonight, to make her stay, was proof of that.

“Toni,” the woman in question says, materialising beside them warily. Her gaze turns to Rumlow as she stiffens into a defensive stance, protective beside Toni. “Rumlow?”

“Maria,” Rumlow greets brightly, nodding towards her. “Long time.”

“Toni, you make the strangest friends,” Maria quips, though her shoulders are set as though she means to attack Rumlow here and now. “A parolee, really? Not to mention that small, tiny detail that he tried to _kill_ us all a few years back.”

“He’s sorry about all of that, now,” Toni tells Maria excitedly. “And he’s also going to be working in the new superheroes division.”

To her credit, Maria only blinks once and pinches the bridge of her nose for only a few seconds.

“No, he is _not,_ ” she says patiently once she’s let out a taut breath. She gives Toni another disparaging look. “Toni, you can’t go around recruiting everyone you meet—,”

“Hey, I _said_ sorry. I sent you all apology letters, too. Spent twenty minutes in Hallmark, but now that you’re clearly ungrateful, I guess I shouldn’t have bothered,” Rumlow protests, looking highly offended. “ _And_ I’m undergoing consequences for my actions, which is a lot more than Captain America, so I’ve got that going for me, too.”

“By that precedent, most of us are better than Captain America,” Maria snaps harshly.

“You’re _finally_ getting it, Maria,” Toni says, utterly delighted. Maria promptly rolls her eyes and seizes her unmarked wrist, pulling her bodily form her chair. “New conspiracy theory, Rumlow! Soulmates aren’t shit!”

“Fuck yeah!” Rumlow crows.

She waves at him as Maria drags her away.

“See you at work tomorrow, Rumlow!”

.

.

After dropping off an irate Maria who doesn't understand why Toni thinks Rumlow deserves a second chance, but the rogue Avengers don't, Toni heads back to her tower.

She hasn’t the heart or the energy to explain to Maria that the rogue Avengers have had a lot of chances, plus Toni’s not willing to tell anyone about Siberia yet. Christine has begun to suspect but doesn't know the full truth. But if Toni knows that reporter, she’ll keep digging until she finds something.

For her part, Toni doesn’t really _care_.

It’s up to Christine whether she wants to release the information about Siberia and every day that nothing comes raises the reporter higher in Toni’s esteem. Friday had offered to destroy everything from the bunker, but Toni had refused. She hates herself just that bit more for it, but Toni knows that she has to keep the tapes untouched for Barnes’ recovery. When she’d made the choice to keep them, Toni had thrown up, spending the night in a red-eyed, guilt-ridden daze, leaning heavily on her mother’s tombstone.

Toni hums to herself as she leans against the wall to pull off her heels.

“Toni,” comes a very familiar voice and Toni barrages back so hard she hits the wall.

It’s so painful that her palm aches and Toni hisses under her breath, but she’s already snapping her head up. Her body shifts into a defensive stance as her gauntlet automatically climbs over her clenched hand to draw up repulsors in defence, the metal clicking softly into place. She throws a heel immediately towards the shadows shifting in the dark.

“Friday, honey,” Toni says, her voice filled with a gentle teasing, “you’re supposed to warn me about these things.”

“Hi, Toni,” Romanoff says, softly, as she takes a step forward.

She’s holding the heel in her hand, her lips lifted into a small smile, like the last couple of months didn’t happen. It infuriates Toni as she immediately moves back, fumbling for the light, and switches it on. The living room is flooded with soft, fluorescent light. _Well._

It looks like she has uninvited guests.

Rogers and Romanoff are standing in front of the rest of them, from the open landing pad which is clearly where they’d come in. Rogers’ face looks a little bit stunned as he stares at her, his gaze raking her long dress and lingering inexplicably on the bare leg showing through the long slit. The burning in her wrist slows and dulls to a pleasant ache. Behind them is Wilson, Barton, and Maximoff, all of whom are watching her carefully. _Fuck_ , Toni thinks blindingly, her heart pounding up a storm. They’re all here. At least they had the foresight not to bring Barnes.

“Where’s Friday?” she snarls out fiercely.

“Friday’s offline, Toni,” Romanoff says gently, her gaze raking the place.

“Redecorating, Stark?” Barton says loudly, looking around pointedly.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” Toni says stiffly, her fingers touching the wound Laura gave her absently. “I gave the Compound to the United Nations.”

Her cheeks flush a hot red as they look around, unimpressed.

The Tower is a mess, to put it lightly. It’s filled with papers and projects and plans and Thanos stuff and contingencies, Starkpads and laptops sprawled heavily over the furniture, some of which are upturned. There are half made weapons scattered around the place, some of them breaking apart where she got angry, and the left wall is still covered with the smoking remains where she’d blasted the wall one time when she woke up screaming. Toni doesn’t let anyone clean it, doesn’t let anyone else in, not even Maria.

The liquor cabinet is locked up and pushed to the side where Toni had once grasped a bottle of burning whisky in one hand and handful of pills in the other, staring hopelessly until Friday started begging her to stop. She’s utterly humiliated, as the Avengers rake the place over with a critical, judging eye, her messy, broken self laid out on full display before them.

Oh, God, oh God—she can’t breathe, she can’t see—

Toni forces herself to climb out of the panic, clenching her fist, digging her nails into the flesh of her palm so hard that the pain jolts her to life. She has to stay calm, if not for herself but for Friday. She has to protect Friday.

“Toni,” Rogers says, his voice quiet and filled with a patronising concern. Her wrist flares up briefly at his voice. _Traitor_ , Toni thinks to her own body. “What—what _happened_ here?”

God, she could just punch him.

“This is breaking and entering,” Toni tells them, keeping the repulsors up. “I never should have showed you Friday’s code, Romanoff.” She huffs, scowling. “Why does everything always come back to bite me in the ass?”

“Toni, we’re here to talk,” Rogers says, lifting his hands. “At the press conference, you said—,”

Toni bursts into laughter that borders on hysteria. “I thought you were here to kill me,” she says bitingly, “seeing as you failed in Siberia. But you’re here because you actually believed that shit show at the press conference?”

Romanoff’s smile drops immediately. The Black Widow was always blind when it came to reading her, Toni thinks. “Toni, stop joking,” Romanoff says, but her voice is softer than it usually would have been. “We’re finally back together—,”

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t think everything’s a joke,” Toni interrupts, as she kicks off her other heel with one bare foot lazily. “It’s been, what, barely twenty-four hours and you guys are already breaking the law? Why would you risk all of that to come in here to tell me a bedtime story?”

She moves to the keypad on the wall, her shoulders taut defensively. _Friday,_ Toni thinks desperately, her heart pounding up a storm in her sheer panic and fear as her emotions cling to her, climbing through her throat into a half-sob. She holds herself back with difficulty, almost breathless with the effort. Her soulmark is burning too, clearly yearning for Steve, and Toni turns her head, her curls slipping past one shoulder to eye the arc reactor gleaming on his neck.

Is it her imagination, or has it faded slightly?

“We’re not going to hurt you, Toni,” Romanoff says.

There’s a faint note of desperation in her voice when she speaks, as though she’s begging to be believed. Toni is admittedly rather impressed. She wonders briefly how the Red Rood taught her that.

Romanoff continues, “Toni, this team won’t work without you. You know that we miss you and that we’re sorry, deeply sorry for all that we’ve done. We’re a family, Toni.” She looks at Toni hopefully. “I know that you really do want us back together, deep down.”

For a moment, Toni’s heart aches in desperation.

There’s a lump in her throat as she holds herself taut, trying to stop herself from sinking against the wall weakly, staring at the rest of them. In the midst of her destruction, they found her again, Toni thinks, and they’re offering to help her climb out. She takes a ragged breath, closing her eyes briefly.

“Friday,” she murmurs, a breathless thing. Her voice rises as Toni opens her eyes to glare at them all, her heart pounding with something fierce. “You know who’s my real family? _Friday_. And you _hurt_ her. You took her apart and if I can’t get her back, no pardons in the world will be enough to save you from me.”

Romanoff takes a ragged breath, and damn, she’s good. She even sounds like she’s crying. But Toni isn’t fooled. She knows that whatever the Black Widow wants you to see is what she’ll show. Her restless fingers drift protectively against the keypad, burning for Friday to come back to her.

“We want to make amends, Toni,” Rogers says urgently. “But we can’t do that if you’re not willing to try either.”

Romanoff adds, “I miss my friend, Toni.”

Toni wants to scoff.

She didn’t miss her the months Toni was drowning? Didn’t so much as lift a finger to come back, to help her salvage at least some of the damage? No, Toni knows that Romanoff made her choice. Romanoff let Barnes and Rogers go, but the worst thing was that she left with them. She knows Romanoff went to Wakanda with the rest of them, seeped in the gorgeous sunlight, while Toni ran herself ragged, trying to fix everything all at once.

“Yeah, right,” she rebuffs, rolling her eyes. “Friends? Family? We were never that, Romanoff, so stop reaching.” Toni breathes hard, glaring at them. “Why would you think to come here, of all times now? It’s because you found out that Rhodey’s—that Pepper and Vision and everyone are gone, and I have nobody anymore. You thought you’d be able to use me again, that I’d welcome you back out of my own desperation—well, _fuck you all_. I don’t _need_ you. I don’t _want_ you. That press conference was all a show—I happen to be good at those.”

“Toni,” Rogers begins, with horror painting his features.

“No, Rogers. Fuck you for having the nerve to come back here after what you did to me, fuck you for gaslighting and emotionally manipulating me for years so I’d do whatever you wanted, and Romanoff, a special fuck you for injecting me without my consent. Yeah. I’m still bitter.” Toni takes a step back, holds her head high. “If there’s anything you ever bothered to learn about me, you’d know that I don’t make the same mistake twice.”

She’s breathing hard when she’s finished, but Barton looks mad.

“Fuck’s sake, Stark,” he says, rolling his eyes. “Hydra is here. We came back, because you’re in danger. Nat’s sources say Crossbones is after you.”

 _Oh_ , Toni thinks, and she blinks. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to hire Rumlow on the spot, then. But then, she shrugs, who gives a shit anymore?

“You know, I always thought Crossbones was a shit name,” Toni comments. “He didn't agree—he wouldn’t, the coward. But it doesn't make sense—,”

“You've met him,” Romanoff says, her voice faint.

Her eyes wide with horror, she moves forward towards Toni, but Toni shakes her head, moving back automatically. She drops her repulsors, mostly because her arms are hurting, and turns back to the keypad on the wall.

“Well, I figured I'd have to meet the Deputy Manager of the Superhero Division in Stark Industries,” Toni says, rubbing at her wrist as the repulsors slide back into gauntlets.

The movement has had the flesh holding her soul mark opening up again, and Toni winces as the jolt of pain pulses through her arm. Blood trickles slowly over her gauntlet and starts to drip on the floor. Toni only absently shifts her gown, so she doesn’t get blood on it and focuses on getting Friday back.

“Deputy Manager?” Rogers repeats.

“Wow, you’re slow today, Rogers,” Toni says. “Next you’ll be telling me gauntlets are _out_.”

She tosses her hair towards him briefly, the curls shifting around her shoulders like an endless fountain, as she continues tapping furiously. Her heart is hammering so hard she thinks it might beat straight out of her chest, but Toni assumes a careless expression.

“Toni, did you _hire_ the man who is being sent to kill you?” Romanoff echoes, stunned.

Her stunned voice makes the edges of Toni’s lips quirk upwards with amusement. It’s not often that she can surprise the elusive Black Widow, so she takes pride in the few and fleeting moments that she does.

“Why are you wearing those?” Rogers asks, his gaze on her gauntlets, as Romanoff tries to question her about Rumlow once more. “What happened—Toni, are you _bleeding_?”

Toni blinks.

He’s not serious?

She turns slowly, as Friday floods the place once more with power, twisting on one bare foot, as the blood from her wrist drops slowly on the floor. Toni eyes them lazily, her stance relaxed and casual as ever, her smile soft and easy. For all intents and purposes, she looks completely at ease, but Rhodey would have known that she’s not. They’re slowly relaxing, too, in the face of her casualness and even Rogers looks slightly relieved, under all of that faux concern, that she’s not gunning for them right now.

It’s her press-smile, one that only Christine and Rhodey have ever been able to see through, that her mother had taught her, that she’d wished, yearned for Rogers to see through, too. But he never had, never would. It’s the stance she takes before the biggest fights of her lives, the one she held when she was left alone in her parents’ funeral, when she’s in every press conference ever, when she had first woken up to terrorists screaming in her ear, in a cave in Afghanistan.

When they don’t see through her, Toni bites down the faint curl of disappointment.

Wilson is looking away, she realises.

The Falcon is _drenched_ with guilt and grief, in the way a soldier can only be. He’s holding himself defensively, but his shoulders droop heavily, leaving his left side dangerously open. Toni eyes him. It's not Rhodey, because nobody knows about him, so perhaps it’s Rogers. Trouble in paradise, she realises as Wilson keeps turning his gaze between Rogers and Romanoff and avoiding her own, after all. Perhaps these few months haven't been too good to Cap’s team either.

Barton and Maximoff are close to each other. But while the former is still simmering furiously, the latter eyes her with a strange sort of fascination that Toni can’t even be bothered to decipher.

“Do they not have the news in Wakanda?” she asks dryly. “Friday, you okay, girl?”

“Yes, boss,” Friday says diligently, but Toni recognises the faint trace of fear in her voice and her hackles raise protectively for Friday. “Are you?”

“Jury's still out,” Toni mutters, eyeing the team in her living room. “It was stupid of you to come here. I gave you the Compound and here you are, breaking and entering into my home.”

Rogers’ voice is earnest.

“Toni—,”

“So will you give us up?” Maximoff asks, lifting her head to look at her steadily.

“After how hard I fought to get you back in again?” Toni shakes her head, holding her gaze despite the red curling around Maximoff’s eyes. “Perish the thought.”

Barton’s gaze is drawing to his soulmark, which is wrapped around his left arm, his brows furrowing together in confusion. She knows what he’s feeling, Toni realises, because she’s feeling the same. There’s a sense of contentment that lingers around the soulmate when they meet, as though everything is right with the world. Though Toni had heard that some soulmates could feel pain, she knows that this is likely a myth—especially because Rogers doesn’t seem to be crawling on his knees in pain.

Her mother had explained it to her when she was young. It was a type of blissful comfort found in another person that was the rarest thing of all, Maria had told her. It wasn’t like two soulmates saw each other and went full-on Romeo and Juliet. It was more like a quieter sense of, “Oh, there you are.” For others, it was quieter, and Toni knew that if she didn’t know her soulmate was Rogers, she’d never have guessed it. She only knew that she’d loved spending time with him, that she cared about him deeply, but she never would have realised it.

Soulmates were paired together because of their compatibility; the universe’s answer to the shitty lives they led. Something must have gone wrong in the universe when Toni was born though, she thinks bitterly. Her perpetual life.

“She’s downstairs,” Toni offers finally, rubbing her forehead.

Barton’s head snaps up. “What?”

“I had to—Ross was coming in fast—I had to bring them all here,” Toni says desperately, trying to explain herself. Laura had been displeased when she’d entered the Tower, but she hasn’t slapped her again, so Toni counts that as a plus. “I didn’t have a choice, Barton. They’re—they should be sleeping—,”

Barton is on his feet immediately, barraging roughly past them all. Rogers stares at her, something strange and aching in his features, and Toni thinks, how easy it could be for her to fall back into her old ways. To simply let herself be part of them again, like Romanoff wants. But they’re a fractured thing now and Toni won’t ever fall back into place with them.

They’re not a team, she thinks. They wanted to be a family, but they’re not a family either.

Maybe they never were.

“You should go back to the Compound,” Toni tells them. “Unfortunately, we’re going to have to do a lot more shitshows together, but other than for work and professionalism, I will not go anywhere near you and you’ll offer me the same courtesy.”

She doesn’t wait for them to reply.

Even Rogers seems to register her words, for once, but Toni turns her back on them recklessly.

Maria would kill her, she knows, but Toni doesn’t care. She fumbles with the zipper of her gown, lifting it up to walk the path to her bedroom slowly so that they have ample opportunity to kill her if they want. It makes no difference to her now, Toni supposes. She’s made her will and Maria knows what to do with the Accords and the United Nations, even if she doesn't believe in Thanos.

And some reckless, thoughtless, yearning part of Toni _wants_ it. Her wrist bleeds painfully and her heart aches for all she’s lost in such a terrible fashion that she wouldn’t mind Rogers sending her to her loved ones. It would be peaceful, if anything.

But, to her disappointment, they none of them do a single thing and when Toni checks again, through Friday, they’ve gone.

.

.

“Friday?” Toni mumbles, her voice hoarse. “You okay?”

“I’m okay, boss,” Friday tells her gently. “Are you? Don’t think I didn’t see the way you left your back open.”

Toni’s lips quirk upwards, amused. “Can’t get anything past you, Fri.”

She looks longingly towards the liquor cabinet, having picked her way back to the living room in a sleepless daze. Toni’s brows furrow together, as she doesn’t bother switching on the light, though Friday floods the place in soft luminescence for her. Her gaze lingers briefly over the tidied workshop, the unfamiliarly clean workplace. Clearly, Rogers and his team have been at it, and Toni lets out a taut breath that ends of a half sob, a fresh hot wave of humiliation surging through her.

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is a soft, worried thing.

“They cleaned it,” Toni mutters, her voice ragged. “I told them I don’t like people touching my things.”

Is there nothing they will not leave for her?

They had taken her money, her home, her suit, her breaths.

Instead of making for the workshop where she’d intended to hammer away her frustrations, Toni lets out a hoarse sob and drops to the ground, her curl drifting around her cheeks. She stares up at the ceiling, where it opens up to show the night sky, her breaths fraught.

It’s a familiar scene, one she’d buried herself in those first few horrible weeks when she had woken up from dying to lose Happy and Pepper and everything in one fell swoop, to clutch onto Rhodey with trembling, fragile fingers, woken up to a world in uproar and consumed with fear. She’d spent those first few weeks barely eating, barely sleeping, working hard to gather enough evidence against Ross, to protect Barton and Lang’s families, assuage both the public and the United Nations with the amended version of the Accords.

Toni’s just _tired_ , now.

“Boss,” Friday says, and she can hear the note of fear in her voice.

She remembers those nights, too, Toni thinks tiredly.

When she had felt so exhausted and so alone and so sad all she could do was sink on the ground and sob helplessly, grieve against her parents’ tombstones. One night she’d spent leaning heavily against her mother’s grave and Maria had found her in the blinking dawn. Those nights were the hardest, because Toni couldn’t even let herself sleep. Because when she sleeps, she sees her parents dying, she sees Rogers finishing the job, she sees space consume her whole, she sees everything crumble to pieces because of her and she wakes up, screaming. One night, Toni’s resolve had broken, and she’d found herself rolling a handful of pills in one palm and clutching a bottle of twenty-five-thousand-dollar single malt whisky in the other, the bots scrambling around her, Friday pleading with her to _stop_.

In the end, Friday had called Maria, who had broken into the workshop, glass spraying everywhere, to find Toni lying on the ground, blinking up at her. She hadn’t taken any of it, she told Maria, but Maria quickly poured the whiskey down the sink anyway. Maria is still watching her with that concerned frown between her brows.

Toni lets out a breath and stares up at the skies, where Thanos awaits, her soulmark burning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, to everyone who was worried that Toni might actually forgive Team Cap for their wrongs - did I do good?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long week and I genuinely didn't think I'd be able to get this chapter done in time - but here we are, yay! I'm so glad that so many of you seem to be enjoying this and I love seeing all your comments and the kudos! Thank you all so much!

_Siberia is cold, as ever._

_Toni chokes on her own blood and tears, her sweat matting her curls to her head, tears freezing on her cheeks. The armour slowly crushes into her chest, her ribs breaking apart, though her heart still valiantly beats hard. Everything is gone, everything she ever worked for—right out from under her. Everyone is gone, she realises, hacking out a ragged, pained breath, as her soulmark burns something fierce—_

_“Toni Stark…”_

_Toni chokes on her own blood, knows she is dying._

_“Toni Stark… listen…”_

_Great, now she’s hearing voices._

_“Toni Stark… what have you done? …soulmark …Thanos is coming, Toni Stark—_ ,”

Toni wakes with a gasp, sweating.

She’s writhing on the cold floor, as she surges up, startled. For a moment, she doesn’t know where she is, before Toni recognises the faint outline of New York against her windows, her breaths slowly coming back. Then there’s a soft sound and Toni turns sharply.

“Don’t be scared,” a little girl says, wide-eyed. She’s carrying a baby, but she’s on her knees beside Toni, reaching out a hand to pat Toni’s sweat-drenched curls. “It’s okay. Nate cries, too.”

_The fuck?_

Then Toni realises who is peering at her, surging back up properly as she gasps. Her hands splay on the wooden floor to steady herself as her head reels dizzily. “Lila?”

“Hi,” Lila says, smiling shyly.

“What—what are you doing up here?” Toni manages to get out, as she turns her head.

Cooper is already watching cartoons, with Nate whining in Lila’s arms. _Shit_ , Toni thinks, as if Laura doesn’t have reason enough to hate her. Her heart beats hard as she reaches for a glass of water, a hiss of discontent caught between her teeth. What she wouldn’t give to have alcohol burning dully through her veins again, anything to sink her into the darkest, quietest oblivion. She screws her face up in distaste when she eyes how clean everything is, remembering the unwelcome appearance of Rogers and his friends. Toni moves forward to push a few papers off the desk pettily, glaring.

Lila is talking. “The lady in the sky told us we could come here,” she says brightly.

“The lady in the sky?” Toni repeats, glancing up.

Friday’s voice is dry. “Apparently Friday is a mouthful, boss.”

Lila’s smile falls a little as she leans in, her voice dropping briefly. “Mom and Dad were shouting, and Nate got scared.”

_Oh._

Toni’s heart catches, as she looks to the Barton children. She’s all too aware of what arguing parents are capable of. Lila struggles with holding Nate so Toni takes the baby awkwardly, as the sunrise burns, the blazing red spilling across the sky. She reaches a hand to wipe her forehead tiredly as she gets to her feet, her joints sore and aching from sleeping fitfully on the floor.

“So you’re the smallest agent,” Toni says to Nate, who giggles.

Something warm blooms in her chest when she sees the way the children laugh, as she reaches to straighten her nightshirt. Cooper has lifted his head to eye her critically.

“Don’t you have a bed?” He asks curiously. “If you need one, you can share with Lila.”

Toni feels the strangest urge to laugh, her lips quirking up with amusement. Lila is batting a hand irritably at her brother, looking utterly affronted.

“She can share with you,” she insists, as Cooper frowns.

“But Mom says that I snore!”

“Well, you’re going to have to stop!” Lila argues, before both children look at each other in a panic, their heads snapping guiltily towards Toni. “We weren’t fighting.”

Toni adjusts her arms to fit around Nate, feeling awkward. She frowns. “Sure looked like a fight.”

“No, it wasn’t!” Cooper insists.

Lila tugs at her shirt. “If mom and dad find out we’re fighting, they’re going to get mad,” she tells her. “So you can’t tell them, okay?”

Her stomach drops as Toni nods quickly. “I won’t,” she promises, before ushering them all into the kitchen. She places Nate on the counter, as Cooper clamours to be seated beside his brother. Lila tries to look as mature as possible before she caves, and Toni lifts her, too. Her fingers drift briefly to her trusty mug of coffee before she pauses.

“Friday, what do kids eat? Do you guys drink coffee?”

Friday’s voice is a soft, reassuring thing, as ever. “There’s cereal and bagels in the fridge, boss,” she says easily.

“Lifesaver,” Toni mumbles, pressing a quick, grateful hand to Friday’s keypad.

Breakfast goes as smooth as Toni can make it. Cereal is easy, though Lila insists she’s old enough for toast and Nate makes a mess of his fruit. At this rate, Cooper, who is devouring bowls of sugary cereal, Toni thinks, is the easiest to serve. She drinks her coffee, almost inhaling it in her eagerness to find something to survive this morning, and Toni keeps one eye on the kids as she notes down the latest dream she’s been having.

Lately, her nightmares are being taken over by voices and the great span of space as she falls through the gleaming stars. Something seems to be trying to warn her, Toni realises, adjusting the gauntlet at her wrist absently. Unbidden, her father’s words come to her: _Stark men are made of iron, Toni. What are you made of?_

“...you’re not so bad,” Cooper is saying to her, as Toni jolts herself back.

“The highest praise I’ve ever had, thanks,” Toni says.

Lila grins at her, swinging her legs, and speaks over a mouthful of toasted bagel. “Mom says you’re the devil, but you’re really nice and pretty, so I wanna be the devil, too.”

Toni promptly chokes on her coffee.

A jolt of hurt echoes through her, sudden and sharp. Toni thought she’d stopped feeling pain from them, thought she’d gone numb, but apparently, they still know how to hurt her. Her friendship meant nothing to Laura? Laura’s words sting something fierce, but Lila is still smiling at her, completely unaware of the way Toni feels torn up inside. Toni gives a pained smile, her heart pounding, and takes another deep gulp of coffee, wishing for something much stronger.

“When are we going to go home?” Cooper is asking. “Mom wouldn’t let me take my bike.”

How does she tell these kids they don’t have a home to go back to? That their home is reduced to ash, because of the Secretary of State. That their father should have just gone water skiing.

“I can get you a bike,” Toni offers instead, reaching to swipe up the online shop. “What do you guys want?”

She doesn’t entirely know how she ends up buying half of the toy store, but the delighted grins on the kids’ faces only cements her resolve. Toni finds herself smiling back hesitantly, before she sighs. What does it say about her that she’s so unlovable she has to buy the love of the kids around her? That nobody else has smiled at her since this shitstorm went down?

 _God_ , Toni thinks. She misses Rhodey.

“I saw Mom hit you,” Cooper says loudly, and Toni’s fingers fly up to her mouth once more.

“Uh, boss?” Friday’s voice is a startled echo.

But Toni’s so shocked she can barely breathe, scrambling like a mad thing. Her cheeks are flushed, as Toni swallows thickly and shakes her head.

“No, she didn’t,” she lies through her teeth.

“Lila? Cooper? Kids?” A familiar voice echoes through the hallway, tinged with a vague sense of panic. “Where are you?”

“Mom!” Nate exclaims happily.

When Laura enters, Toni jumps up quickly. “I didn’t bring them here,” she says quickly, apologetically. She doesn’t want Laura thinking she’s a child snatcher on top of everything else. “They came by themselves, I swear—,”

“I’m not mad at you, Toni,” Laura says quietly, her gaze raking over the chaos in the kitchen. She looks tired, dark circles under her eyes as she runs a hand through her hair.

Friday speaks quickly. “It was me,” she says. “I brought them to boss. They woke up to Mr and Mrs Barton having a—disagreement and they were scared. I directed them to someone who would care.”

Toni almost chokes again. When had Friday gotten so snarky? She lifts her head quickly, an apology in her mouth, but Laura’s face is writhing with guilt. The Barton woman reaches out briefly to take Nate into her arms, the baby squealing happily as he tries to feed his mother mushy bananas, his fingers a sticky mess.

“I’m sorry—,” Toni begins.

“It—it’s fine, Toni,” Laura says, her cheeks flushed with light pink. She lifts her head to look steadily towards Toni. “Clint and I—we had a disagreement, yes. But—we talked about it all, about the past few months. I—I realise that my anger towards you was misplaced and unfair. I never should have hit you. I was raw and emotional and terrified—but that’s no excuse.” Her voice breaks a little, her voice muffled as she ducks her head. “God, you just came from the hospital, too. I’m sorry, Toni—you’ve done so much for us, and I—I _hit_ you—,”

Toni is starting to vaguely panic. She’s never good with people who cry or with children—and she’s surrounded by both, right now. Before her, Laura is sniffling, and Lila drops to the ground to move to her mother and pat her elbow comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Mommy,” she says. “She’s really nice and she says that you didn’t hit her.”

Laura only cries even harder, as Toni quickly fumbles over the mess to get her some tissues. “Kids, did you make a mess of Toni’s things?” she manages to get out, as Toni shakes her head. “Clint—he’s going to take some time to think things through. We—we both are. He’s a smart guy, and he does love you, Toni.” She lifts her head to look at Toni, her gaze fraught. “We all do.”

Toni’s stomach drops as she flinches back, unable to help herself. Her voice is calm and measured when she speaks, quiet for the children around her. Friday has already switched on the television for them and they’re watching cartoons, spilling cereal and milk everywhere.

“It didn’t feel like you loved me,” Toni comments. It doesn’t feel like anyone loves her. “I accept your apology, but please don’t think that everything’s going to go back to the way it once was. Ross—I’m working on having him restore your house, and once he’s off your back, I promise I’ll be out of your lives forever, Mrs Barton.”

Laura’s face is creased with horror, but she tries to steady herself, sniffing slightly. Her fingers crumple the tissue. “You—you can call me Laura, Toni,” she says, something desperate writhing in her tone.

“Thank you,” Toni says firmly, “but no.”

She’s nervous, wanting to leave, but Laura looks ready to continue, so Toni is grateful when Maria comes in, speaking loudly.

“So Rumlow is being a prick—can you believe he came into SI and gave everyone donuts? I did a ton of background checks on him, and everything seems to clear out, so he seems alright, but we should still be cautious, Toni, is all I’m saying,” she’s saying, rifling through her Starkpad and a folder of documents. “And—,” Maria breaks off, her gaze flitting over Laura and the kids, over Toni’s slightly panicked face, over the room in general. In the end, she clears her throat and says, her voice thin, “Uh. You cleaned.”

The reminder makes a dark scowl grow on Toni’s face as she huffs, wrinkling her nose in distaste. “I didn’t clean,” she says, grabbing her mug and reaching for a Starkpad. “Those idiots broke into my house last night and ambushed me, can you believe that? And then they had the nerve to clean this place.”

“Are you okay?” Maria says, her eyes wide. “Is Friday—,”

“I am quite alright, Ms Hill,” Friday says politely. “Thank you for your concern.”

Maria’s gaze lingers around the room, briefly eyeing Laura before her. “Maybe they thought they were being kind,” she offers.

Toni grumbles, “They were being a pain in my ass.”

Laura looks vaguely confused. “I—I don’t understand. The kids didn’t make a mess?”

“No, this is all Toni,” Maria says, waving a dismissive hand. “I don’t understand why you don’t clean up in here. You should be grateful they did it for you.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “They shouldn’t have gone through my things. I didn’t tell them they could clean, but like the entitled asses they are, they broke into my home, tried to talk to me, and violated my privacy.”

Laura’s voice is quiet. “If—if they were so bad, why did you bring them home, Toni?”

.

.

“So what you’re telling me is that you went through a wormhole and you saw _more_ of those things in New York?” Rumlow says.

Pushing a stray dark curl behind her ear impatiently, Toni straightens a few notes on the whiteboard, before moves to scrawl a few more words. Rumlow is sprawled on his seat, leaning forwards to examine her notes carefully. Toni nods at him, scribbling on the board briefly before she reaches to draw a grape and writes his name.

“It’s been years, I know,” she says, “but Thanos _is_ coming.”

“I don’t get it,” Rumlow says frowning. “Why isn’t anyone else preparing for this? This is _insane_.”

“Nobody believes me!”

Rumlow’s jaw drops. “You’re kidding me.”

Toni shakes her head. She only wishes she were. “Remember Ultron?”

He nods. “Yeah…”

“Ultron was supposed to be a global defence system against threats like Thanos, but it was still in its early stages and I could never understand why or how he could have gotten out the way he did,” Toni says, pushing her hair back again, “ _before_ Friday reviewed the footage.” Rumlow is listening to her intently, his eyes fixed on her. “When we were in Sokovia, Maximoff got into my head, heightened all the paranoia, the PTSD, and the trauma that was already there—and Ultron got out.”

Rumlow swears hotly under his breath. “And because of Ultron, nobody wants to let you speak,” he finishes, letting out a frustrated huff.

“Exactly!”

He narrows his eyes. “But I’ve never known a Stark to stop at the lay of the law,” Rumlow says, his lips quirking upwards. “All that stuff about Ross coming out, saving the president, the Afghanistan stint—that’s some impressive stuff right there, Stark.”

For some reason, the praise makes her preen a little.

And this has got to be one of the weirdest conversations Toni is having, ever. An ex-Hydra agent and Toni Stark, communicating over the Avengers refusing to listen to her about the threat of a giant purple grape who wants to kill everything?

Toni loops more notes on the whiteboard as Rumlow leans forward to examine them. “I’ve been trying to contact Thor, to see if Asgard might have more answers. He spoke about this Nova Corps, the last time he was here. It’s likely that the rest of the universe will know that Thanos is a real threat, so hopefully, we’ll get more information on him soon.”

“What can _we_ do?” Rumlow says intently. “I don’t want to sit here and look pretty for when Thanos comes to kill us all.”

“I’ve got the Iron Legion back up,” Toni says, rubbing her temples. “But that’s about it for now. I can’t do anything else, or Rogers will rake me over the coals. There’s the meeting with the reinstated Avengers coming up today. I’ve just about got some of the United Nations believing me. The other half think I’ve finally gone nuts.”

Rumlow rolls his eyes. “ _Idiots_ ,” he says and Toni snickers, unable to help herself. “How far out is Thanos? What do you know he wants?”

She gives a deep sigh. “Nothing,” she tells him. “I’m going in this, completely blind. Thor did talk about infinity stones, one time.”

“Those fancy rocks?”

Toni shrugs. “New York,” she says, growing serious as she lets out a tired breath. “New York was the scouting party.”

Finally, and finally, Rumlow’s face is filled with shock, but _belief_. Sweet, glorious belief, and this is how it feels to be finally believed. She’s been shouting into the void for ten years, begging to be heard, and all it took was one conversation with an ex-Hydra agent who had an affixation with buying Stark employees’ love with donuts.

.

.

When Toni enters the room, she can barely breathe. 

She’d vied to hold the meeting in a Stark Industries building, with the secret intention of feeling safer, but the United Nations had opted against it. Instead, they’ve been put in some neutral UN building. Toni’s fingers are shaking from the moment she walks into the building, but she uses the walk up the stairs to control herself, Friday’s soft, comforting words in her ear.

“The moment they pose a threat to you, boss, I _will_ take them down,” Friday tells her fiercely.

“You adorable murder-bot, Fri,” Toni says playfully, touched in spite of everything. “I love you, too.”

She’s playful, but her heart hammers in her chest as she moves. When she walks into the room, they all stiffen, their eyes on her.

Tensing and very aware of the vulnerable arc reactor glowing in her chest, Toni only fixes her quick-media smile to her face. None of them seem to realise that it’s a fake smile, until Rogers’ hopeful light goes out of his face and the realisation descends sadly on Romanoff’s face, as she starts talking. She won’t let them speak, she decides, because she has a job to do and she’ll do it quickly and get the hell out.

“So, pardons for everyone, but individual procedures and conjunctions are for each of you,” Toni says quickly, moving towards the desk where she taps at the table, letting Friday at the servers. She’s highly aware of their gazes on her but doesn’t acknowledge it. “You should find them in your rooms, bit of light bedtime reading. In terms of addressing the public, there will be media conferences and more press releases, to clean up your reputations and convince the public that you can be trusted to protect them. That will all come first, so a media storm’s heading all your way. The United Nations have assigned lawyers and PR for you, so you’ll know what to say—,”

“You won’t even look at us, Toni?” Rogers asks sadly, his voice heavy and filled with guilt.

Toni flinches, but hides the motion quickly.

She looks up, hitching her smile back on her face quickly, to see Rogers staring at her, helplessly, hopefully. Beside him is Wilson and Barnes, his gaze lingering heavily as he stares her right in the face. She quite admires that, if she’s honest. She’s not sure what to have expected from the Winter Soldier, but she likes that he’s not looking away.

“I can take him out from here, boss. Just say the word,” Friday promises, her voice a vicious thing in her ear.

“Easy, Fri,” Toni murmurs, her perfect smile fixed to her face.

She looks careless, but she’s wary, her fingers brushing tensely over the desk where Friday lies. Mostly because Toni is secretly terrified that the UN might take Friday away from her. She’s fought tooth and nail to be able to separate Friday from their fears of Ultron and she’s not having the one person who loves her ruined by the Avengers.

Barton is still staring at her in confusion, quiet this time, with Maximoff beside him. Both of them are eyeing her quietly, the usual hate-filled glares disappeared, this time. Romanoff is just like Rogers, both of them looking at her with a writhing guilt-filled longing in their faces.

She takes a deep breath.

“What do you want me to say, Rogers?” Toni says, her voice taut as Rogers winces.

_You left me to die._

“I—I’m sorry, Toni,” Rogers begins, his voice quiet as he looks at her. It takes everything within Toni not to run, her fingers itching to protect her arc reactor again. “I misinterpreted everything again. I should have known that you wouldn’t want us to come back like that last night. We—we were just worried about you.”

“We’d heard about Rumlow,” Romanoff adds, her brows creased with concern. “We let our fears get the best of us.”

Toni doesn’t know whether to believe them.

Rogers clears his throat again. “And I’m sorry about—about everything,” he says meaningfully.

_He’s not serious._

Toni realises faintly that they don’t know about Siberia. Rogers is trying to apologise for Siberia, but nobody else knows. What a selfish piece of shit. She turns to Barnes, clearing her throat, feeling particularly vindictive.

“So, I hear that you went back to Wakanda, just to get stuck in the refrigerator like a leftover casserole,” Toni says fiercely. She’s petty as she continues, scowling at them all, her soulmark burning in protest against her, as the cold gauntlet brushes against her skin. “All of that, over the past few months—was it really worth it, then?”

They all look stunned, even Barnes, as the intrigue and curiosity flare within the light of his eyes. Wilson clears his throat as Rogers speaks.

“Toni, please,” he begins, his voice low. “Can we—be civilised?”

She doesn’t bother to deign him with a reply.

Wilson’s voice is tentative when he speaks.

“St—Toni,” he says. “How—how’s Rhodes?”

Toni stills.

Her heart hammers in her chest, panic crawling up her throat and threatening to swallow her whole. _Rhodey_ , she thinks. _Rhodey, Rhodey, Rhodey—_ she can feel herself falling apart again, like she did when she woke up on that cold hospital bed. _He hasn’t woken_ , she thinks fiercely. _Because of me. It’s my fault, because I decided to go and get stuck in Siberia, like an idiot, instead of choosing him._

“That’s none of your business,” Toni snaps, but her voice wavers briefly.

The amount of venom in her voice leaves a startled shock rippling through the room, but Barton clears his throat, his gaze on her. “Couldn’t stick you, could he, Stark?” he says, trying to joke.

His words cut through her like a knife. There's a soft, tensed chuckle through the group, but for Rogers and Maximoff. Romanoff is still staring at her, her gaze furrowed in thought. Toni swallows down her bitterness.

_Let's all laugh at Toni Stark, failed genius, selfish billionaire, playgirl with an ego the size of a planet, philanthropist who couldn't save Rhodey._

“No,” she mutters. “They couldn’t.”

Romanoff’s voice is unusually quiet. “What—what about Pepper? And Happy? Are they doing well, Toni?”

“They’re gone,” Toni says shortly. She gives a humourless smile. “Couldn’t take it anymore.”

 _Couldn’t take_ me _anymore._

“And Vision?” Maximoff asks. It’s the first thing she’s heard her say and Toni fights back the urge to flinch. “I haven’t seen him.”

“He’s gone, too,” Toni says, her voice fierce and petty. “For some reason, he couldn’t stand the sight of the Compound. Must’ve been that giant hole you put him through.”

There’s a crackling tension in the air, as Rogers inhales sharply, knowing what this means. It means that Toni has been left all alone. That when his letter—his _stupid, stupid_ , self-serving letter telling her that the Avengers were all hers now—got to her, she was all alone, without _said_ Avengers.

It’s like Channel Four so eloquently put it: _Stark got the house, Cap got the kids._

.

.

There’s a small silence that echoes between them, after Toni’s words.

Beside him, Wanda stiffens defensively, as that guilt burns within him once more. Steve straightens, swallowing thickly, his stomach clenching guiltily. They’re all sprawled out in the room, all of them back together again, and his heart is lighter at the very sight of it. But for _Toni_.

Toni acts like they’re _strangers_ , keeps herself out of their space, and talks to them like they’re in an actual meeting. She’d even ducked out of Natasha’s proffered hug, something that made the spy’s relived, hopeful smile falter. Steve privately thought that he and Natasha missed Toni most of all, for Natasha had really thought of Toni as a good friend and Steve, well. He’d missed her deeply with an ache he couldn’t describe.

But when he’d stepped forward to talk to her, Toni hadn’t allowed for him to get anywhere near her.

He’s okay with that, he really is. Steve knows it’s going to take some time for them to get back to where they were. After what he did to her, his stomach clenching tightly, he wouldn’t be surprised if Toni never forgave him. The thought of Toni not forgiving him makes him feel distinctly uncomfortable, his neck burning briefly. Steve reaches a hand to scratch his neck absently, his brows furrowing together.

If he had to do it all over again, he would, he knows that.

Obviously, Steve thinks, as he looks towards Toni, though, he’d tell Toni the truth first. Something about Toni’s stance strikes him as strange, he realises faintly. She looks defensive, her gaze taut, and the way she holds herself is poised, as though she’s readying to defend herself from an attack. Steve is half inclined to look around, to see if there _is_ some unknown Hydra agent or enemy poised to attack them. But then he realises.

Toni is looking at _them_ like that.

She sees them as a _threat_ , he realises, his stomach dropping.

Steve is reeling so hard that he misses half of what Toni is saying.

“…did you not read the fine print? You got pardoned because _I_ appealed to the United Nations for you,” Toni is insisting, running a hand through her mass of dark curls, as she huffs at them. She’s arrogant as she glares at them, arching an eyebrow. “The rest of the world was all too happy to toss you in the trash.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Steve’s gaze turns to the rest of them. He knows they’re indebted to her, always. But does she always have to rub it in?

“ _You_ appealed for us?” Sam is saying, his brows furrowing together in confusion.

Toni blinks. “Did you really not read anything Maria gave you?”

Steve flushes, clearing his throat awkwardly. Honestly, he had tried, but there was so much legal jargon. “We’d hoped for you to explain it all to us, Toni,” he says hopefully.

He knows it’s a mistake as soon as he says his words. Instead of scorning them, as Steve had half expected, Toni laughs, a cold, biting thing. He tries not to flinch, his cheeks flushed hot. How had he forgotten just how vindictive Toni could be?

“I’m not your lapdog,” she scorns, as Steve, stricken, opens his mouth to protest. Toni continues. “I have a job, you know. I’m CEO of a global corporation. I can’t drop everything to explain every little amendment in the Accords or your pardons. Maria, for one, would kill me.”

“You did it before,” Natasha says softly.

“That’s when I thought you were worth my time,” Toni says, and the smile on her face is fixed.

How did Steve not see it before? God, she _hates_ them, doesn’t she? She hates him. Beside him, Clint is tensing at her words, looking slightly stricken, and Natasha’s face is impassive, but Steve knows how hurt she is. Toni’s gaze rakes over them briefly—maybe she’s wondering if she’s gone too far, he thinks hopefully.

“Okay, that’s enough questions for today,” she says decidedly, clapping her hands together. Steve’s gaze is drawn again to the gauntlet wrapped around her wrist inexplicably. “I’m running on a time limit. Fri, pull up the Thanos stuff.”

The _what_?

“Project Purple Grape,” Friday says. “Might I continue to suggest a revising of the title, boss?”

“Motion denied,” Toni rebuffs, and the fond grin that spreads across her face is _genuine_ , Steve realises.

She’s smiling her press-smile at _them_ , he thinks, his stomach clenched. Her _family_. God, how bad has he fucked this all up? Steve’s mind is reeling, his head aching, as he follows Toni’s blinding smile, feeling a little dizzy. She’s pointing to a picture of this Thanos that she has clearly drawn. He strongly resembles a purple grape, Steve thinks.

“This guy—hey, I never said I was an artist, okay—is called Thanos,” Toni announces. “He’s the guy we’ve all been waiting for—,”

“Not this _again_ ,” Clint moans before he can stop himself. He’s looking irritable, clearly pushed to the edge by Toni again. “You ever get your head out of your ass, Stark?”

Steve clears his throat. “ _Clint_.”

Toni’s jaw is taut, but Natasha speaks first, her voice gentle. “Clint’s right, Toni,” she says. “This fixation isn’t healthy—,”

“Thanos _is_ a real threat,” Toni insists.

She’s casting annoyed looks at them, but Steve wonders how bad Toni’s been doing since everything. Losing Pepper and Happy—and Rhodey, too—all of that at once can’t have been good on her. He knows that she’s been struggling, remembers worriedly how worn she’d looked during the Civil War debacle. Whenever his gaze turns to the gleaming arc reactor secured in her chest again, Steve gets the horrible feeling that it’s because of him.

“This Thanos,” he begins, trying. “Where did you hear about him, Toni?”

Natasha gives him a pointed look. She’d discovered the scribbled papers when they’d entered the Tower, had showed him worriedly. Not for the first time, Steve worries about her mental health. They’d read briefly through Toni’s scrawled notes and her drafts and designs for new projects to protect the world. Imagining alien threats, hearing voices—even Natasha looked worried.

They’re not supposed to encourage this sort of behaviour from Toni, Steve knows, but Toni’s face is so distraught he can’t help himself. She clearly believes in this, he realises, and hopefully, they might be able to help her get real therapy this time.

Toni swallows thickly.

She reaches a hand to brush against the desk, pushing her curls back behind her ear. Steve straightens, his mouth going dry. She’s looking more and more beautiful, he thinks. Even Clint had commented on the way that Toni seemed to positively _glow_. For a moment, Steve had worried that she’d found someone, but one quick search and discreet questioning of Natasha had found that Toni had barely dated in the months that they’d been hiding in Wakanda. Instead, she’d thrown herself into work and fixing up Stark Industries after Pepper Potts left, establishing charities and foundations and the like.

He’s proud of her for it, only wishing that he’d been by her side, that she’d done it _sooner_.

Ross and the Accords would have never been able to get between them, Steve thinks. Then he falls back on his own thoughts. No. It was him. He got between them, he knows.

“New York,” Toni says eventually.

There’s a tension that snaps in the room, and even Steve frowns, as the rest of them let out multiple, long-suffering groans. Something passes her face briefly. Toni is always bragging about New York. He thought she’d left those bad habits behind.

“ _Again?”_ Clint says, his voice filled with irritation. “You brought us back, so we could hear how you singlehandedly saved New York _again_?”

Toni shakes her head, her fingers flitting across the keyboard in a frantic way. “No,” she says, sweeping up another couple of pictures of New York. “Let me explain. New York was the scouting party. That wormhole—,”

“Toni, you’re sick,” Natasha says gently, as she rises from her chair. Her gaze is soft and worried. “Have you been seeing your therapist?”

“I’m not sick,” Toni insists, her gaze fierce. “You can’t possibly think that we’re alone here.”

Natasha turns to shoot Steve a worried look and he gets out of his seat. Beside him, Bucky clears his throat. His voice is deep when he speaks. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Steve,” Bucky mutters to him, his gaze on Toni.

“Toni,” Clint says, looking at her carefully. “Laura—Laura was saying that you’ve been fainting a lot, too. Are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

Everything shatters.

Toni’s gaze turns hard and mutinous. “Oh, _now_ we’re wondering whether Toni Stark is alright?” she bites out, fierce. “Fuck off, Barton. You don’t give a shit about me.” Her gaze turns on Natasha, her eyes blazing with fury. “And you. It’s _dangerously_ arrogant of you to think that we’re the only ones in this universe, Romanoff, or to think that you alone could defeat what’s coming. What was that you said, Rogers? We’ll defeat whatever’s coming together?”

She scorns them, her voice cold.

Sam speaks, his voice nervous. “If it’s something in your own mind,” he says, “I’m sure Wanda could help you.”

“No,” Toni says immediately.

“No,” Wanda says flatly, in the same moment.

Glad to see they’re on the same page, then.

Steve’s gaze lingers on the way her fingers shake a bit. He clears his throat. “Toni, we’re willing to help you with whatever you need,” he says earnestly. He tries to sound as gentle as he can. “But this _does_ seem like a problem for your therapist.” Steve clears his throat. The way that she avoids his gaze makes his stomach drop. “Toni—,”

“We can do it together, Toni,” Natasha says. “You know this. Whatever comes, we—,”

“You can’t possibly think that you alone could defeat Thanos,” Toni says fiercely. She’s breathing hard as she delivers the kill. “Are you incapable of letting go of your own ego for one goddamn second?”

Steve is horrified, but Natasha is flustered, struck silent, as Toni storms out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we finally see how Steve's feeling! He's such a difficult character to pin down, so I really hope I did him justice. 
> 
> I also really hate that line Natasha delivered in Civil War about Tony's ego, because I think we're well past that beaten point now. Tony's ego is practically non-existent at this point and it kills me that the Black Widow, who is supposed to read people way better than this, doesn't see this in the movies, doesn't see that her own actions and statements make her the arrogant one instead. So I had to bring it back for some sweet, poetic justice. 
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and thank you so much for reading!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kicked my butt, I'll admit it. It's not as long as I would like it to be, but I hope it's enough.
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting!

Her heart is pounding something fierce.

Toni is so furious she can barely breathe as she storms down the hallway, her soulmark blazing up a storm. Friday is in her ear, whispering soft comforts, but Toni can barely hear her through the roaring of blood in her ears. _Fuck_ , she thinks, as she hits her knee on a wall. The pain flares within her, as Toni crumples briefly, her soulmark still burning fiercely against her. This had to happen, just to add the cherry on top of the garbage that is her life.

“Toni!”

 _Fuck_ , Toni thinks. Is that—

It’s Rogers, she realises and quickens her pace.

“Toni, _please_ ,” he calls after her.

This is when Toni laments how short she really is, because Rogers catches up to her easily. His face is twisted in something like guilt and hope, his eyes fixed on her. Toni lets out a hoarse breath between her teeth, before she turns on one heel slowly, glaring at him. Her gaze finds the gleaming arc reactor on his neck and Toni’s breath catches briefly, something deep within her aching and yearning.

“Toni, please, can I talk to you?” he’s asking her desperately, his eyes wide.

“Do I have a choice?” Toni bites out fiercely.

Rogers leans back obligingly, inclines his head. He seems to realise that he’s essentially towering over her, as she swallows thickly, pushing herself out of his space. Rogers takes a quick step back, trying to give her as much space as he can.

“Yes,” he says honestly, letting out a breath as his hulking frame pushes away from her. “Yes, Toni. You do. I just—I wanted to talk to you.”

Toni glares at him, her blood pounding. Fine, she thinks. They may as well get this over with.

“I don’t forgive you, if you’re so thick-headed you didn’t notice,” she bites out fiercely. “I don’t think I will ever forgive you, Rogers, for what you did to me.”

“I know,” Rogers says, swallowing thickly. “I—I don’t expect it, Toni. I just—I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, for things going this far. I’m sorry, Toni. For you having to take the blame, for—for Siberia—,”

“I didn’t do it for you,” Toni says, her jaw clenched. The reminder of Siberia has her itching to protect her arc reactor again, her breaths fraught.

Rogers’ voice is tentative. “I—I know.” He takes a deep breath. “We’re also sorry for last night.”

Toni blinks.

A real apology.

 _Well_.

That’s unexpected.

She tenses, her gaze raking over him suspiciously, and wonders briefly if this is a trap. But he looks earnest. When Toni doesn’t say anything, Friday speaks for her.

“If you are apologising simply because you have suffered a few months without boss’ financial and personal help, I’ll be the first one whose wrath you suffer,” she says coldly, as Toni gapes. “If it is the opposite and you are wondering how you could have possibly given this up, then allow me to offer you my congratulations on finally empathising with boss for the first time. It is very late, too late, but well done, nonetheless, for catching up.”

Toni’s jaw promptly drops. Rogers is looking startled, too, blinking at Friday’s vicious voice.

But Friday is so catty she’s almost proud. When did she turn so murderous? Oh, right, when she almost died in Siberia and lost her for too long.

It takes Rogers some time to gather his bearings again. “It’s the opposite,” he says, his voice low. “We shouldn’t have entered your house like that, Toni. You set boundaries and we crossed them. We’re sorry for that.”

Is she being tricked?

Toni tilts her head to eye him carefully. “You really mean that,” she says flatly. “Huh. I didn’t think you knew how to apologise.”

Rogers lets that one slide. “I never meant to hurt you, Toni,” he says earnestly, his eyes wide. “Things went too far in Siberia and I—I hate that I’ve done this to us. I feel terrible about what I did to you—,”

“But you don’t regret it,” Toni says, her heart sinking like a stone. “If you had to do it again, to save Barnes, you would. You’d do anything for him.” She lets out another breath.

“I—,”

“You,” Toni says again, staring at him. Realisation hits her like a ton of bricks. “You. You. _You_. You always make it about you. _You_ feel bad, _you_ apologised. _You_ lied, _you_ were selfish.” She lets out a dry scoff, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “This _is_ a day of discoveries. The Black Widow has an ego on her the size of the Compound and Captain America is the most selfish asshole the world has ever known. You’d choose Barnes over and over again, regardless of Germany, of Berlin, of Lagos, and you’re not even sorry.”

She stares at him, feeling sick. She’s not enough, Toni realises faintly. She never was. Rogers is looking startled, his eyes widening.

“Toni, you’ve got it wrong—,”

“No,” Toni snarls fiercely. “I’d be happy if I never knew you again.”

He looks crushed, his face distraught. “You don’t mean that.”

“Why would I say it if I didn’t mean it?” she bites back. 

“Will—is there a chance that we could be a family again?”

She could be cruel, could let a thousand harsh insults pour off her tongue, poison him where he stands. Toni’s good at that. But she’s tired and she hates being forced to do things she doesn’t want to do, and she’s run off her feet. She’s so sad she feels it might overwhelm her completely.

“No,” Toni mumbles.

Not ever, she wants to correct. She’d never willingly even sit by them ever again, can’t ever drop her guard or relax around them again. Last time she’d let herself trust, Rogers had kept her biggest secret and killed her.

But even that, Toni thinks, even that, she could have eventually forgiven.

No, their worst sins, the thing that she just can’t forgive and can’t get over, is that after all of that, they _left her_. They ruined and tore down the world that she’d painstakingly built for them, tore it apart and left her dying out in the cold to fix it all back together. _We’ll lose_ , she’d warned them all and Steve had told her that they’d do that together, then. But every time Toni fights, she’s always alone. They left her _alone_ and that’s something—that’s a hurt, a pain, that Toni can’t forget.

“We won’t stop trying, Toni,” Rogers tells her worriedly. “Nat’s missed you and we—,”

“I don’t care,” Toni interrupts. “You know what I do care about? Kicking Thanos’ ass.” She glares at him. “I don’t care about Siberia or the fact that you lied to me and used me for years—,”

“You’re right, Toni. I wanted to be selfish, Toni,” Rogers says in a taut breath, looking distraught. “Seventy years in ice, Toni, and people expect me to be alright about that. They look at me and think that I’m just a soldier, someone to fight and die for them. I’m—I don’t want to do it anymore, Toni. I wanted to be selfish. For once, Toni. I’ve been alone for so long and Bucky—,”

Toni’s brimming over with fury.

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Toni snarls out angrily. “You’ve _never_ been alone. You had Aunt Peggy, you had the Howling Commandos. You have Romanoff, you have Wilson. Barton and Lang—they left their families for you!” She scorns him. “Selfish? You wanted to be _selfish_? And you choose now, when one hundred and seventeen countries hung in the balance, when people screamed to us their fears. You were not _selfish,_ Rogers. You became everything that you ever hated.”

.

.

Howard Stark is on her screen.

He flickers colourfully, as Toni watches, leaning back on the futon, with a careful eye. There’s nothing that she’s looking from him anymore, but sometimes, when the screaming in her head grows too loud, she can’t find any peace but her mother’s soft smile.

“… _my greatest creation is you.”_

Toni’s lip curls in distaste.

Thanks a lot, dad. Way to make her feel like you cared.

She reaches for the screen, swipes it impatiently, before it pauses on the sound of something familiar. Her mother’s singing. Already, her heart thrums slower, the tension in her shoulders relaxes, and she goes to finish her work.

There is a tentative knock at the door.

Toni surges up from her work, her breaths already growing fraught and her hands go to protect her chest. She swallows thickly, unable to help herself as she fights to calm herself down. She’d just been to see Rhodey, curling up next to him breathlessly, until Maria had found her and pulled her up again. It is too much to stay sitting upright, so Toni finds herself sinking on the futon, collapsing against the soft velvet helplessly.

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is defiant. “Sergeant Barnes is at the door. I have three repulsors pointed at him now. Please, just give the word.”

Toni lets out a tired breath.

As if her worries weren’t enough, now she’s worried about Friday’s increasingly murderous antics. In the face of the Avengers’ return, Friday’s turned more defensive and dangerously protective, fierce as she tries to defend Toni. Toni can’t have that happen. Ultron is still sometimes in people’s mouths and she won’t let them take away Friday from her.

“Don’t shoot him, Fri,” Toni says.

She reaches a hand to swipe away the screen automatically, her parents’ face flickering away. The rage that had filled her, that had burned deep within her, at James Buchanan Barnes is slowly fading away. Barnes—God, she _knows_ , she knows it was the Winter Soldier, knows it wasn’t Bucky, _knows this._ But the Winter Soldier stole her mama away. The bitterness that had fuelled her through the months is starting to slip away slowly.

No longer is Toni angry against Sergeant Barnes.

She knows what it feels like, to be controlled against your mind. Maximoff had done that to her. The witch had torn apart her mind, had dissected it with her red fingers.

Toni shivers.

“Fri?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Let him in,” she says softly, her voice cracking hoarsely.

Barnes’ face is filled with surprise when Friday unlocks the door with a gentle click. His gaze lingers on her, clearly curious as to why she is lying down helplessly, leaving herself vulnerable. Toni is still scared of him, so she holds herself tense, and when she sees Barnes’ expression, it seems regretful.

“I used to think that you came back to finish the job,” Toni says. “You took away my Mom and Dad. You should have taken me away, too.”

 _I wished that you did_.

She doesn’t say it, but the words echo in her head.

Barnes flinches. “You—called for me,” he says uncertainly, but his eyes are bright and curious.

“You’re fine, aren’t you? Now, anyway,” Toni says, closing her eyes. Her voice is bitter, her mouth tainted. “Wakanda helped you a lot, I heard. Rogers wouldn’t have it any other way, of course. Only the best for Bucky Barnes.”

“I’m sorry for what I did,” Barnes says, and Toni holds herself tense. “I’m sorry. I’ll never stop being sorry.”

“I know,” Toni says heavily, and she doesn’t open her eyes still, pressing her lips together to stop herself from crying. “I know you’re sorry.”

“I don’t expect your forgiveness—,”

“You have it,” Toni says.

When she opens her eyes, Barnes’ face is almost comical. His eyes are wide with shock and his mouth has dropped open. _Well, look at that,_ she thinks to herself numbly. _I stunned the Winter Soldier frozen solid. Ha. Take that, Hydra._

“I—,”

“It’s not fair what happened to my parents,” she tells him as she pulls herself up to sit properly. “But it’s not fair what happened to you either. I’m sorry for what happened to you. I’m not sorry for Siberia, though. I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at Rogers.”

Barnes is staring at her, as though she’s something he never dreamed could be true. He looks incredulous, parts of the real Bucky Barnes flickering back. “You don’t have to forgive me—,”

“I know,” Toni says, and she shrugs. “But I get it now, I do. I didn’t want to forgive you for the longest time. I know the truth, I know you were forced to do it. It still didn’t make me want to forgive you. I don’t know if that makes me shitty—,”

“No,” Barnes says immediately, shaking his head. “You don’t have to—,”

She takes a deep breath and lifts the metal arm she’s been working on over the nights. It had taken a lot out of her, to be honest, and she’d had to learn about neurons and pathways all over again, examining the Hydra arm, too, but Toni had to do it. Rogers seems to think that Barnes wanted the Hydra arm destroyed, wants all of his Hydra memories gone and become _Bucky_ again, but Toni thinks differently. She’s still got it in her workshop, still figuring out parts of it. It’s a travesty, but she knows that it’s Barnes’ travesty. He’s had it for so long she’d be surprised if he wanted to give it up.

“You’re a good man,” Toni says to him slowly, as she offers the arm to him. “You didn’t deserve to have Hydra happen to you. I’m sorry that they made you do that.”

“You—you built me an arm,” Barnes echoes, his eyes wide.

Toni shrugs. “Well, I figured I should say sorry properly,” she tells him. “It was my fault that you lost it, after all.”

“You can’t possibly think that reacting to a trigger is your fault,” Barnes says. When Toni stills, he explains, his voice quiet, “I know what it’s like when someone has triggers.”

Her lips quirk upwards dryly. “You would, I guess,” she murmurs. She clears her throat. “You should probably come back to me in a couple of weeks, to check up on it. If the arm hurts or you need help, or anything, then my workshop’s open.”

When Barnes speaks again, his eyes wide. “Thank you,” he says honestly, his voice clear. His gaze is slightly strange, though. “Thank you.” He looks thoughtful for a moment, hesitant. “Steve—told me a lot about you.”

“Did he start with the sleeping around or—,”

“No, he—he says you’re one of the smartest, strongest people he knows,” Barnes says, as Toni arches an unimpressed eyebrow. “I’m not making excuses for him. I just—I saw you. In—in that press conference, when you first said you were Iron Woman.”

For a moment, Toni frowns, wondering where the Winter Soldier is going with this. Her face changes a little, her eyes turning down as she remembers. Her lips quirk upwards with some fondness. It’s been so long, she thinks, since that day.

She still remembers Christine Everhart’s smug face, the way she had smirked with satisfaction as Toni had confirmed what she had forever suspected. Toni had found out that Christine had been promoted and sent the reporter a bunch of flowers.

But Barnes is looking at her. “It wasn’t a—a slip of the tongue,” he says, and Toni’s head snaps up. “You—you meant to say it. Why?”

Toni’s lips lift in a genuine small smile.

Ten years. Ten years, and the Winter Soldier, of all the people, is the first to realise it. Ten years, and nobody had even guessed at it.

“SHIELD threatened me,” she says eventually. Barnes’ face stills, his eyes clear. “Said they’d promise to keep Obie’s—Stane’s death a secret. They said they’d cover it up, and all I had to do was sell my soul to them.”

She laughs a little, a soft and bitter chuckle. The simpler days, Toni thinks.

Barnes is staring at her, his eyes wide, when there’s another knock at the door and Maria enters, not needing permission. Her gaze lingers over Barnes briefly, as Maria shifts into a defensive stance automatically, moving towards Toni.

“You alright?” Maria murmurs to Toni.

“Peachy,” Toni says brightly. Her gaze turns to Maria, her smile falling slightly. “You’ve got your angry face on. Why do you have your angry face on?”

“Toni,” Maria says hesitantly. “People are wondering why you’re not in the Compound.”

.

.

So, Toni Stark is exactly the enigma he and the Soldier had expected.

She is devastatingly _beautiful_ , with dark curls tumbling about her shoulders, her pretty eyes bright with mirth as she lies back on her futon. Dressed in a white blouse and a pencil skirt that show long legs for days, Toni Stark. Something inside James seems to weaken at the very sight of her, when he enters the Tower tentatively. She’s a little thinner than when he saw her last in Siberia. Her cheeks are gaunt, and she looks a bit pale too, haunted somehow.

But it’s like he just got hit over the head and the Soldier within him surfaces, interested. James has to force him back, because he's got to get it together, for _god's_ sake.

Then she gives him _another arm_.

Even falling from the train hadn’t shocked him this much.

When Toni is forced back into the Compound, James is riddled with concern and the need to slam Ross' face into the concrete a few dozen times.

Steve is, predictably, ecstatic, practically jumping off the walls before Toni is set to arrive, chattering his ears off as he cooks them all dinner. Natalia seats herself, looking brighter than she's done in days. Steve’s entire face is lighting up and even Natalia’s stance lifts briefly, _tellingly_. The Soldier notes this all down, but James knows what this means.

The Black Widow is _slipping_.

Indeed, the entire Compound's atmosphere has kickstarted with brimming delight over Toni's arrival. She’s an enigma amidst the other Avengers, he’s found.

They barely spoke of her in their time in Wakanda, but for the few moments Sam asked after her, to Steve, and wasn’t happy with the answer. Scott had tried to push it, but Steve wouldn’t speak. Clint and the witch once blamed Toni for their stint in Wakanda, but Steve shut that down quickly, his leader’s voice ringing out. Instead, the archer would spend hours, trying to reach his family through his last few contacts, and James found the witch breathing Sokovian prayers for her brother. Natalia wouldn’t say a word, but James would sometimes find her obsessively watching Toni on the TV. He’d once watched as Toni fell headfirst into a set of reporters, found that both he and Natalia had surged forwards, their arms spread out, to catch her.

“She loves pasta carbonara,” Steve is telling him enthusiastically, “especially mine, Buck. Toni loves all things Italian—probably because of her mother—,” he falters briefly, before clearing his throat, the guilt flickering through his features quickly. “You’ll love her, Bucky. It’s not just the arm—she’s generous in all things. She’s the _future_. Always making things and the ideas that she has—she’s always done what’s right. She’s a _real_ superhero, Bucky.”

_Then why did we leave her choking on her own blood and tears in a frozen Hydra base, in Siberia?_

James burns to ask this, but he holds his tongue. The witch spits it out for him instead, though her lip curls.

“Steve,” she says, her gaze filled with slight worry, her fingers trembling. “We can’t have Stark here. She tried to have us _killed_.”

Steve frowns, but Natalia answers first.

“Toni had nothing to do with putting you in the Raft, Wanda,” she says, her voice that measure of calm taught within the Red Room to keep a room manageable. “You know that.”

“Didn't do anything to help us out though, did she?” Barton says, though his face is strained. “Steve had to pull us out. So much for working together as a team, a family.”

He’s been trying resolutely to hold onto his anger, in the face of Toni Stark saving his entire family, but James knows when a man is on his last tether. The Soldier has seen it many times.

“You know as well as I do that your family wouldn’t be in the position they are now if it wasn’t for her, Clint,” Natalia says, her jaw clenched. “And Maria says they’re working on dealing with Ross.”

“Why are you defending her, Nat?” Barton demands, looking affronted. “What's she got on you?”

“As if anyone could have _anything_ on me,” Natalia spurns him. “It’s been months, Clint. I want my family back. I want my friend back.” She looks away, her voice a heavy confession. “I’ve missed Toni.”

“Think she's missed us?” Wilson says, the question layering his tone. “She didn’t look so happy at the meeting.”

Steve’s face twists slightly and James eyes him carefully, slightly suspicious. “Of course Toni has missed us.” He turns to James, his face lit in a desperate hope. “You can get to know her when she comes, Buck. She’ll probably be using the jet, maybe she’ll show you. You’ll like the stuff she does, trust me. The arm is only the beginning.”

James only gives his friend an unamused look, while the Soldier rolls his eyes. It’s not surprising to him that Steve doesn’t know he’s hopelessly in love with Toni. He’s always been the kind of guy who needs to be hit over the head to understand something.

The kitchen fills with the warm smells of the pasta cooking, a strange brimming sense of happiness emanating around them at even the mention of Toni Stark. James watches, the Soldier curling with interested anticipation within him, as Natalia helps Steve cook more of Toni's favourite foods, using recipes from old Russia. Sam insists that he can do it better and he and Scott end up getting into an inadvertent competition together, while James eats plums.

But there’s no point.

Maybe there never was.

In the end, Toni Stark arrives at the Compound by way of a car, not a jet.

As soon as Toni looks at them, he sees the barrage of emotions flitting through her features in a millisecond, recognises each of them. Fear, crippling panic, swallowed down by a blinding grin that he'd give his good arm if it wasn't almost entirely false. Beside her, Ms Hill stiffens, too, but there’s no surpassing the sheer panic and fear James had seen in Toni’s face.

It startles him, makes him feel guilt curling up within him. Guilt that's been brimming over ever since he and Steve had left her choking on her own blood and tears, in an old Siberian bunker.

The Soldier growls at the thought, doesn’t like him for doing it.

They've had about a year, but the Soldier is still furious at his actions. Wakanda has been good to him; James had spent most of his free time learning the world again and watching Toni on TV has made him truly enamoured with the way she has them all in the palm of her hand. The Soldier had admired that of her.

“Bet you’re really happy to see us,” the witch says, her voice dripping with dry derision.

James has to physically restrain himself. He knows that if he starts a fight here, the Soldier will finish it. It’ll end with the best case, Maximoff’s broken arm, or the worst case, Maximoff’s heart in his fist. He’s got a vague feeling that neither Steve nor Toni will like that.

“ _Ecstatic_ ,” Toni rebuffs, her false smile not even wavering.

She bids a mock salute to the rest of them, before storming through the building towards her workshop where she proceeds to lock herself in and ignores their calls. James doesn’t have to look to know that Steve’s hopeful face has crumpled, or Natalia’s eyes have dimmed.

But his gaze lingers on the door, intrigued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's POV and he's got a new arm, too! I always loved the idea that Tony proclaimed he was Iron Man on purpose; it seemed like such a clever move, so I wanted to put it in here lol. And I enjoyed writing the Avengers through the Winter Soldier's eyes, too - he sees through Steve embarrassingly easily :D
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed and thank you for reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So extra long chapter bc I couldn't cut it properly, so I'm sorry! Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement - just when I think it's shitty and I should just give up completely, you're all here, pushing me on, and I'm so grateful for that, so thank you so much.
> 
> There's been a lot of questions about Toni falling for Rumlow or Bucky, but I've got most of this plotted out and I just wanna say that you all have to wait and see! I'm so glad that everyone is also enjoying the soulmark cliche; personally, I'm not always such a fan of cliched tropes, and I like twists, so there's gonna be a ton of twists in this story. Enjoy!

The Compound is hell.

Toni’s been careful to let the media snap pictures of her laughing with the Avengers, even, on one occasion, training, but the real story is different. When the curtains fall, she’s locking herself in her workshop, working on her new suit, and syncing it up to her gauntlets, ignoring Rogers and Romanoff as they try to persuade her to train together.

She’s hammering out on the kinks of the suit when Rumlow calls, lifting the large hammer with barely any effort, listening to Friday remind her of the timetable for the week, and blasting _AC/DC_ so loud that the ground is shaking. Toni’s been spending her time without stopping, using her time stuck in the Compound effectively. She’s got Maria looking after Laura and the Langs, promptly ignoring Scott and Barton every time they try to talk to her. She’s not looking forward to being hit again, thanks very much.

And above all, Toni’s found that it’s _freeing_.

Even though the Avengers keep knocking at her door, they respect her boundaries and leave her alone most of the time. So, she can _breathe_ now and do things without Pepper’s disapproving gaze hanging over her, without Rogers’ and Romanoff’s patented _You-should-know-better_ faces. Maria doesn’t even care and just watches her do the stuff she wants, citing that she’s a grown woman and if she wants to make another suit out of the arc reactor, she can damn well make another suit.

“Boss, incoming call from Rumlow,” Friday says.

A small grin pokes at the edges of her lips. “Let him through.”

“Ross is a Grade-A prick,” Rumow bursts out furiously as soon as he’s patched through. “I don’t know how you stuck him—Stark, would you call your guard dog off me? Friday, I’m not going to—,”

“Don’t call her that,” Toni says protectively, bristling briefly. She shoots a fond smile towards the AI, watches Friday blink a few lights back at her affectionately. “Don’t worry, Fri. It’s just Rumlow.”

Rumlow wrinkles his nose up. “I’m not sure whether to be offended—,”

“You should be,” Toni tells him, smirking as she rummages through her papers. “Why are you still at the office? Maria’s going to be calling pest control soon, Rumlow. You better run.”

“Ha ha, you’re hilarious,” Rumlow says dryly, rolling his eyes, as Toni laughs. “I didn’t get to Employee of the Month by sitting around on my ass.” He eyes her carefully. “You don’t look so good, Stark.”

“Ex-Avengers have me run down,” Toni admits. Her fingers close around a glass of water, wishing it was something stronger. But she’s been sober for too long now to give it up. “Apparently the thought of a giant purple grape in space wanting to kill us all is a little hard to swallow.”

Rumlow snorts, amused.

“I could scare them into believing you, for you,” he offers. “Dress up as Thanos? Jump out of a fruit bowl?”

“You say that like your real face isn’t scary enough?” Toni quips, but they’re both chuckling together. “Do you know that they haven’t read any of the material they’ve been given? Maria says their lawyers are tearing out their hair. Apparently, they expected _me_ to walk them through it all.”

“Can’t believe I tried to kill Cap once,” Rumlow says. “So embarrassing. I should’ve just let him speak and save myself all the damn trouble.”

Toni laughs. “God, these new missions are going to be a living nightmare,” she says. “Everhart’s already smelling blood in the water and Maria says that Huffington Post is doing some expose on Maximoff that I can’t wait for.”

“Why’d you bring them back?” Rumlow asks.

Toni sighs deeply.

Everyone’s been asking her that. She knows that some people think it’s because she’s lonely, or that she lost the Civil War, or _whatever_. The past couple of months have taught her a lot of things, truth be told.

_Big woman, in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

“Things were getting boring around here,” she lies smoothly.

Rumlow knows it’s a lie, but shrugs at her meaningfully. “Miss Hill is going to be with you at the next mission standpoint. You sure I can’t scare them? Just a little?”

“Barton’s already itching to knock me out, Rumlow,” Toni says, chuckling as she shakes her head. “You just might be the thing that tips him over the edge.”

.

.

Signing up to work for Toni Stark is… _something_.

Pepper Potts had, for lack of a better word, warned her. _Toni’s a difficult person to work for, even without Iron Woman_ , she’d said, lingering behind to give one last piece of advice. _She doesn’t listen and she’s an impulsive person. It takes a lot to handle someone like her._

Maria remembers thinking how right she’d been when Toni came back from Siberia and the board was in uproar, because Toni had given the hospital who’d treated her an insane amount of money. She’d had to run around like a madwoman, trying to get Legal to finalise the NDAs on time and cursing Toni Stark to the end of her days.

The strangest thing was that most of Stark Industries didn’t seem the slightest bit fazed; Maria figures they were used to their boss’s antics. _She’d_ been too resentful, and sleep deprived to look closely at Toni in the hospital, the black eye, the way she’d swayed when she stood too long, or even heed the multiple apologies falling from Toni’s mouth as Maria had ranted. Maria winces even thinking of it.

And then the press conference that she’d shoved her into happened and Toni Stark fainted in front of fifty or more media outlets.

It was startling to see hundreds of people, all with different reactions, but most of them scrambling to help her. It’s the first time—but not the last—where Maria realises just how loved Toni Stark is, how _decent_ people can be. Being an agent of SHIELD sometimes made her forget the kindness of people. But it’s made her realise how wrong she was, too.

She’d believed Romanoff’s psych evaluation, just as everyone else had, because why not?

It was true. Stark was just as impulsive and annoying when she’d met her.

But seeing Toni in the hospital, weak and so vulnerable, so _small_ , and hearing the doctors give her a long list of ailments that would have been better suited for a war veteran, made something fall into place. Maria still remembers her in the hospital, even smaller in the bed, almost entirely covered by the white sheets. Toni hadn’t woken, and Maria had been shaking, guilt clenching her stomach, as she kept herself by Toni’s side almost obsessively.

Once Toni had woken, she’d been a flurry of decisions, managing to get most of the Stark Industries board on her side, calming down the frantic US government, and even managing to work the press easily. Maria had barely had to do a thing, but every apology Toni expressed to her for lumping so much work on her and fainting on her just made her feel even guiltier.

She can’t help but think if Pepper Potts thought that Toni Stark needed _handling_ , then perhaps it’s a good thing she left when she did.

As Maria moves through the Compound, she’s wondering where Toni is.

Friday takes her through the place, towards Toni’s workshop, but while the place is teeming with the Avengers and the smell of cooking, Maria hasn’t noticed the main woman. Iron Woman’s been out and about with Captain America and the team, happy and laughing, so Maria thinks hopefully, perhaps this whole Civil War spat may be over now. She’s only hoping it is, knowing how much Toni actually does love the Avengers. It had been something Nick was convinced of, no matter how flippant or careless Toni acted about the super-secret boyband, as she’d dubbed it.

Toni thinks of them as her family and Maria knows that she needs her family now, more than ever.

“The more you push, Steve, the less Toni’s going to want to give,” Natasha is saying, her voice gentle.

Maria frowns at them from across the hallway. Steve and Natasha are standing in front of the doors to Toni’s workshop, which is a strange sight in itself. In all her years working for Stark Industries, she’s never seen the workshop closed. People usually just walked in and out, mostly Steve, who’d try to wheedle Toni into eating. Natasha used to bodily pick up Toni, when Toni was on her engineering binge-days, and take her out of the workshop. Maria never went into the workshop herself, but she knows the stories.

Toni’s essentially closed them out, she realises faintly, startled.

Now why would Toni do something like that?

“Right this way, Ms Hill,” Friday is saying, her voice low.

Moving slowly down the hallway, still vaguely confused, Maria clears her throat. “Is there a line?” she asks, a smile blooming on her features.

Natasha’s gaze lingers briefly on her expression and she slowly smiles back, the corner of her lip pushing up. “Maria,” she says, her voice pleasant and welcoming. “Are you going to see Toni?”

A vague twinge of irritation sparks within her at Natasha’s friendly tone. Is she really acting like the past few months didn’t happen? That’s not like Natasha, Maria thinks. She debates whether or not, vaguely, to correct her title and then decides it’s not worth the effort. Besides, she’s probably reading too much into this.

“Yeah,” she says. “Is she not inside?”

“She is,” Natasha says.

But Steve’s face positively lights up. “Could you—send her some of this?”

Maria’s gaze finally drops to the tray that Steve is holding easily. There’s a large bowl of creamy pasta carbonara on the tray that Maria eyes. So _that’s_ what the smell of cooking was, she thinks, and that same strange twinge of irritation flares up within her once more. Why is she annoyed?

“She’s not going to want to eat that,” she tells Steve. “Toni hates pasta carbonara.”

Natasha and Steve frown at the same time. “She always used to eat mine,” he says confusedly, before Maria watches the slow realisation dawning on Natasha’s face first.

Maybe… Toni’s kept the doors closed for a reason. All those times Maria’s seen her, working herself to the bone to keep everyone safe from the Secretary of State, taking Laura’s hit, all those panic attacks, the PTSD, the trauma—even when she’d reacted angrily to Maria implying that Pepper thought her useless without her, Toni’s always been _alone_. For a family, she thinks, they never really were together, were they?

Nick had tried to make something amazing, but what if he’d just broken Toni Stark?

She’s reeling from the realisation. Maria never would have let the question even pass her head, but she’s been with Toni Stark for years now and never has she seen Toni break apart so vulnerably than she has in the past few months. If Steve and Natasha never even guessed Toni’s favourite pasta, then how could Natasha do a psych evaluation on her?

Maria’s gaze lingers on the doors before her and she clears her throat. “Word of advice, guys?”

Steve’s head snaps up. “Yes?”

“Stop… _pushing_ ,” she says, remembering Toni’s face when she’d seen Steve for the first time in the press conference. She remembers what Toni had said, the day after, too. “Toni doesn’t want anything to do with you and she’s told you this repeatedly. The least you can do is respect her choices.”

Natasha is looking worried, her gaze bright. “Toni doesn’t always know what’s good for her, Maria. You know what she’s like. She’s barely eating and sleeping.” She lowers her voice, perhaps wary of Friday. “And you encouraging her on this Thanos thing isn’t entirely a good idea. She’s hearing _voices_ , Maria. I think Toni’s about to break.”

“Is that your professional medical opinion, Romanoff? Did the Red Room teach you that, too?” Maria snaps before she can stop herself, a brief flare of fury burning her chest. She freezes suddenly as Natasha stares at her and Steve’s lips part in horror. “I’m sorry. I went too far.”

“No,” Steve says, shaking his head. “We—you’re right, Maria. Toni can only get help, if she seeks it out herself.” He inclines his head respectfully towards her. “Thank you, anyway.”

Natasha doesn’t say a word, merely eyes her curiously, as they leave, Steve still clutching the tray of food tightly. Maria is left, staring after them, her brows furrowed.

What was _that?_

“Ms Hill, you can come in,” Friday is saying. As the doors open to let her in, Friday’s voice sounds once more. “If you don’t mind my saying, Ms Hill, that was beautiful, and I’ve already saved three copies.”

Maria’s lips quirk upwards in amusement. “So, you like me now?”

“Moderately so than a few minutes ago.”

Her smile turns genuine at the response.

If Friday doesn’t like you, you just _know_.

It’s the rule in Stark Industries, one that Maria hadn’t realised until a few years down the line. Most of Stark Industries adore Friday and mourned Jarvis, too, but she hadn’t realised how loved the two were until some newspaper outlet tried to slander Friday, using Ultron’s name, and Legal had roared up in protest. Maria knows that Friday didn’t like her, if it was just the way that she would linger on emails and sometimes turn Maria’s showers freezing cold.

When Laura had slapped Toni so hard her lip had bled, and Maria hadn’t done anything—something that she regrets and will forever regret, with every passing second—, she’d had freezing showers, emails filled with spam, and backed up online shopping carts for _days_. Maria knows that if she’d even let a word of it slip to Toni, it would have stopped immediately, but she’d let it continue, knowing that it made a helpless Friday feel better, that somewhere, deep down, she deserved it. Maria still can’t look Laura in the eye properly.

When she enters the workshop, Maria’s breath hitches in delight.

It’s beautiful.

Gleaming steel over all the surfaces, different machinery colliding together and sparks colliding on the ground, all of Toni’s notes and papers scattered heavily. Different things are spinning around at the same time, light beams brightly from the dozens of screens that Toni has up lingering in the air around them, and there’s the faint sound of AC/DC in the distance. Those robots that Maria has only heard of are buzzing around protectively, the soft sound of whirring in the air around her. It’s a mess, and yet it’s almost entirely Toni Stark.

At first, Maria can’t see the woman in question.

Then Toni starts _screaming_.

“Toni? Toni!”

Maria doesn’t lose her head. The workshop is a vast span of space and so, first, she stops, takes a breath. She looks over it carefully, before moving in the direction to where Toni is, her heart pounding. At first, she can barely see Toni, for the Stark woman is almost entirely swallowed up whole by the hammock she’s sleeping in.

The hammock swings lazily as Toni screams so loud that Maria’s ears begin to ring. She surges forward in a hurry, bolting to her quickly.

“Toni, it’s okay,” Maria says, her voice smooth as she can make it, trying to get a hold of herself. She can’t fall apart, too. Who else would Toni have? “It’s alright. You’re okay. You just had a nightmare—,”

“ _Thanos_ ,” Toni is gasping hotly, almost stumbling heavily out of the hammock, her eyes wide. “Just—that—name again. Always, always—,”

“Toni, take a breath,” Maria says, fumbling quickly to pour her a glass of water. “Toni, it’s okay. You’re— _breathe_.”

Toni is staring at her, startled, before she breathes properly, along with Maria, bringing herself back. Her fingers are still shaking, as concern consumes Maria who eyes the woman carefully once more. Toni really doesn’t look good. She looks like she’s barely been eating, barely been sleeping. Maria’s sick to her stomach with worry, her brows furrowing together.

She’d believed Toni about this Thanos guy because, well, it’s _common sense_. But now Toni is hearing voices and a flurry of concern surges within her. That’s funny, Maria thinks humourlessly. She’s worried about Toni Stark.

“Maria?” Toni is gasping, her cheeks red. She takes the water that Maria gives her, trying to hide her trembling fingers, and drinks deeply. “What—what are you doing here?”

“Work,” Maria says, fumbling to get the words out. “I’m sorry—Friday told me I could come in. If you need to sleep—,”

“No, it’s—Friday, unmute,” Toni says, moving towards a desk filled with Starkpads and papers. She’s already reaching for pencils, stumbling slightly on unsteady, weak legs. “Sorry, girl.”

“You can mute me all you want, I still wholeheartedly disagree, boss,” Friday says, her voice tighter than Maria’s ever heard her.

“Disagree with you _sleeping_?” Maria blinks, startled.

Toni’s cheeks flush. “It’s not really sleeping,” she says, slightly sheepish. She pulls up a few screens that Maria eyes carefully. “I’ve been going into these… trances, lately. Something’s trying to say something, but there’s some frequency problems. They can’t get through, I think.” She gives a small smile. “The only way I can get through is through inducing myself in these trances.”

She avoids Maria’s gaze, as though she knows herself how crazy she sounds, as Toni keeps her head down, scribbling down these new notes. Her gauntlets clink a little against the desk and it draws Maria’s attention, slightly startled as her gaze turns to these new fancy bracelets Toni’s designed for herself. She knows that Toni is hiding her soulmark, and doesn’t blame her in the slightest, but there _is_ something strange about the guarded way Toni holds herself around it.

Oh well, Maria thinks, her own soulmark bright against her thigh. It’s not her place to ask.

But as Toni’s words linger in the air around them, Maria is left on edge, wondering what she can say to that.

Toni Stark is intentionally inducing herself into mini-comas to listen to voices.

Has it finally happened? Has the world pushed her over the edge?

Natasha always said that she wasn’t the same after New York, Maria remembers vaguely, her gaze lingering on a frantic Toni as the woman in question runs around the room, answering Friday and doing a dozen things all at once. For a moment, she wonders whether she’s ever seen Toni still, her heart clenching as the image of Toni in the hospital bed floods her mind once more. But it slides away to remind her of another terrible moment.

Before the Avengers returned and some night after Toni had left Rhodey to go to the Compound. All Maria had known was that she was driving herself home after a long day at work and then suddenly Friday had taken over everything, panicking and screaming for her help, that there was nobody else to call. If the AI could have cried, Maria thinks Friday genuinely would have. But she’d burst into the Compound to find Toni balancing a bottle of alcohol and pills in her fingers, her heartrate spiking.

Even now, Maria still sees it sometimes.

Toni looks sad, when nobody is looking. Her gaze lingers on the chained liquor cabinet, trails to it more often than it should. Once, Maria saw her rolling a bottle of pills in her palm slowly, watching it carefully, outside where Friday couldn’t chide her.

“This is the Thanos voice?” Maria asks her, clearing her throat awkwardly.

Toni’s head snaps up, her hair tumbling around her shoulders. “Yes,” she says, something fragile and bright flickering through her features. “But I’m not sure it’s Thanos saying it. It’s—it’s like a warning, another warning.”

Okay, Maria thinks, mentally taking a note to remind herself to encourage Toni more to take on a therapist.

“Okay,” she says out loud. “Well, I agree with Friday—,”

“Thank you,” Friday says pointedly.

“—I don’t think it’s a good idea, for your physical and mental health, to do this to yourself, Toni,” she says. “Even in SHIELD, the scientists would never put their own health at risk. It’s not worth it, Toni. You know that.” Toni looks as though she might argue, to Maria’s horror, so she continues quickly. “But I come bearing news. Laura still wants to talk to you, still wants you to eat the food she’s sending—,”

Toni is still working away at her notes, her head down, but her voice comes out like ice. Her fingers reach up to touch the healed scar at her mouth.

“No.”

“Okay,” Maria says. “Scott Lang is thinking of hanging up his suit. And the United Nations have issued the first mission for the Avengers.”

That gets Toni’s attention. “Our first mission?”

Maria smiles at her, grateful. Hopefully this means at least the beginnings of mending some of the fractures between Toni and the Avengers. Or it’ll just get Toni out of the confines of the workshop. Either way, Maria is happy.

“Suit up, Iron Woman.”

.

.

U hisses at a bemused Wilson.

“Are these things _robots_?” Wilson says, his eyes wide.

Toni’s head snaps to them, a protectiveness bristling under her skin as she tries not to stiffen defensively. The robots buzz around her protectively as Toni bustles them away quickly, very aware of the surprised, careful gazes of the Avengers around her. She’s tense in the space of the Compound, her shoulders stiff and her gauntlets cold around her flesh, tensing to break out into the suit, to ripple around her body into armour.

Usually, Toni keeps the workshop jealously locked up, but Ross is coming and she’s scrambling.

U fires off a frantic series of noises.

“Where did you learn that kind of language?” Toni says sternly, but her lips quirk in amusement. “Yes, they’re robots,” Toni tells Wilson, pushing U back, before snapping her head to Lang and Wilson, who are reaching out tentative fingers to touch them. “Back off. They don’t like you.”

“What?” Wilson echoes, startled.

“Toni—,” Rogers begins again, but Toni promptly ignores him.

She pushes past the lot of them quickly, scrambling to shove the rest of her notes and projects into Friday’s files, locking them up with a wave of her fingers. The screens flicker briefly around her as Toni moves quickly, ignoring them _all_ as they invade her space, _her_ workshop.

Tension brims under her skin, threatening to overwhelm her completely, especially with the patronisingly concerning looks they keep throwing her—the looks they share when they think she’s not looking, do they really think she’s that much of an idiot that she wouldn’t notice?

“So, you’re just going to ignore us now?” Maximoff bites out, her venom particularly spiked. “Very mature.”

“I have shit to do, before the Secretary of State comes here,” Toni says, lifting herself onto the countertop to reach for some of the screens about soulmarks that she’s left up, “and I don’t have _time_ to waste kissing your asses.”

Everyone winces at this.

But when Maximoff opens her mouth as if to retort, Barton reaches for her arm, shakes his head mutely. Laura’s been talking to him, then, Toni thinks, tossing some of the folders into the trash quickly, her heart thrumming a tentative, panicked rhythm. She almost loses her balance on the slippery countertop, her gauntlets brimming around her protectively, but catches herself just in time.

On the ground, Rogers and his team are eyeing her with concern. Romanoff and Barton are throwing each other worried looks, with Rogers muttering something between them. Wilson and Lang are still looking after her robots, Barnes lurking in the shadows, while Maximoff still looks mutinous. At least there’s some normalcy with the witch.

“Fri? How much longer?” Toni asks.

“Not very long,” Friday tells her. “Mr Rumlow is attempting to bribe him with baked goods. Needless to say, he is failing—spectacularly.”

Toni’s lips quirk.

Rumlow’s fast becoming known for his baked goods in SI. Most folk are still wary of the ex-Hydra agent, but Toni and Friday have made sure that they’ll be safe, through a series of new secret security systems. When Rumlow had learned of these new developments, he hadn’t cared. Apparently, his only concern is making it as Employee of the Month.

She brushes aside more files, turns her head back to scan the room to make sure that it has no secrets. Ross is a vulture and he’ll peck at every scrap of information, digging at whatever hole he might be able to find. Even the thought of him makes fear rise up within her, choking her throat.

“You keep avoiding us, Toni,” Rogers tries to begin, his voice soft.

“I’m only in your company for as long as I have to be,” Toni says absently. “No more, no less.”

“We’re _friends_ , Toni,” Romanoff says beseechingly. “We don’t need—,”

Toni laughs, though it’s hollowed and emptier than the gaping pit screaming within her. “Romanoff, you stabbed me in the back and left me to pick up the pieces,” she says flatly. “I think that broke the bonds of friendship a while back.”

“Thought you were a believer of second chances.” Barnes’ voice is gruff, but he doesn’t sound bitter. There’s curiosity lingering in the deep baritones of his voice.

Now, _he_ catches Toni’s attention, the quiet Winter Soldier who hasn’t said a word to her since she was forced into the Compound in the first place. She’s partly grateful for that, because even though she’s forgiven him, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t take her mother away from her. Even now, in the space of her workshop, he’s been keeping himself away, as though he knows he’s not welcome, almost folded up only to speak now.

Toni’s voice is spiked with brimming amusement.

“What makes you think that this is your second chance?” she says flippantly, and the way Romanoff flinches makes her feel a vicious stab of pleasure. “The United Nations is the reason that you’re all free and here today.”

“No, _you_ are,” Rogers corrects, his voice earnest. “The United Nations would have thrown us away, if it weren’t for you.”

She bristles slightly. It’s shitty of her, Toni knows, to even want to refute his compliments and his well-meaning comments, but he left her to _die_. She’s well within her rights to be mad at him for however long she wants to.

The annoying thing is that Rogers would probably agree. _Has_ agreed.

In the first nights when she hadn’t gone to Rhodey, he’d tried to talk to her, tried to cajole Friday into letting him in the workshop. Even if Toni hadn’t locked down her space to make sure they wouldn’t come in, Friday would have eaten her own code rather than let Rogers and his team get their grubby fingers over her workspace again.

He’d said annoyingly supportive shit.

The usual.

_I’m sorry for what I did. There’s no excuses. I never should have done that to you, Toni. Even my—my letter was in bad taste. You shouldn’t forgive me. I don’t expect you to. I just—I want you to know that I’m sorry._

Ugh. Why did he have to be so _reasonable_?

It makes something deep and uncomfortable drag up within her chest, the soulmark blazing bright and angry at her, the ever-present competition of Iron Woman and Captain America clinging to her. For how many times had people compared the two and found Iron Woman lacking, in _everything_?

_Big woman, in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

Because if anyone else were to know about this, then what if they sided with Captain America, too? What if they saw her choking to death in Siberia, listened to Rogers’ beautiful apology, and decided— _yeah, Toni, you’re being a bitter little shit right now. You should just forgive him and move on._ What if what she went through didn’t matter, at all, to anyone?

That, in the light of Rogers and how _deeply_ remorseful he was for his actions, Toni Stark’s trauma was just her being egotistical and arrogant and shitty all over again.

Worse, what if _Rhodey_ wakes up and hears of all she’s done?

That’s the thing that terrifies her the most.

How she’d left him to go to Siberia, how it was her fault that he fell. If she’d been faster, if she’d fixed up the suit, added more technology. If she hadn’t _left_ him. If Rhodey leaves her too, Toni knows that she’d completely shatter apart.

She’s barely holding herself together as it is, and Rogers’ constant stream of apologies aren’t helping. Her entire form is patched together through her torn wrist, the soulmark flaring up a vibrant storm with every word that comes out of Rogers’ mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m your fucking saviour,” Toni mutters, rolling her eyes. She reaches to hide away more files. “You’re all welcome.”

They don’t really believe that, she knows. They think they’re appeasing her _ego._ God, it makes her sick, to think that they’re treating her like a child, like this. Even Barton had backed off on the remarks, because Romanoff had confessed her worries of her mental health.

They think she’s going out of her mind.

Maybe she is.

“Toni,” Romanoff tries again, and her voice is that same desperate keen that Rogers holds. “You won’t let us talk about anything other than the Accords, other than this—this Thanos. When will you let us in again?”

Toni frowns at her. “You _are_ in my workshop,” she says.

She’d let them in reluctantly, only for Ross’ sake. As if she doesn’t have enough reasons to hate the corrupt Secretary of State.

“When are you going to let us be a family again?” Romanoff corrects softly.

“Hey, it’s not my fault that you guys gaslit and manipulated me for years,” Toni says. “I may not be an expert, but that sure doesn’t sound like _family_ to me. I know my dad was a bit rubbish, but even he didn’t do that.”

Barnes flinches at that, his gaze clouding over with thick guilt. Barton stares at her, his brows furrowed earnestly.

“We _are_ a family, Toni,” he insists. “I know that—Laura says—,”

“How much is Laura talking about me?” Toni bites out furiously, her anger spiking within her. “What, are you going to blame me for your marital problems too?”

She regrets it as soon as she says it, knows that she’s gone too far. But Laura’s attempts at trying to talk to her, talking _about_ her, have annoyed her long enough. She doesn’t understand why the Avengers keep thinking they can salvage the remains of whatever they used to be. That's what hurts Toni most, that, in her greatest hour of need, they dropped her hand.

And now they think they can just pick up where they left off? It’s not going to happen.

Barton’s gaze blazes fiercely, as he opens his mouth to retort, but Romanoff grabs his wrist. The Black Widow almost breaks it, Toni realises, slightly startled, as she pulls the archer back with unsurprising strength.

“What Clint means to say,” she corrects, “is that we know you’ve been alone, Toni. But you have us back now. You just have to trust us.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening,” Toni says flippantly. “Friday would have an aneurysm.”

“It’s not the same without you, Toni,” Rogers says, his voice soft. His gaze lingers on her, with something like desperate, aching affection.

Toni blinks at them.

“Really? I hear the movie nights are coming along nicely,” she says scathingly. Her gaze swings to Romanoff and when she speaks, her voice is bitter. “Or is this another one of those Natalie Rushman things? You want what now, my tech, my weapons? They’re all coming along, but the United Nations will give them to you when they give them to you.” She shrugs. “Can’t go against one hundred and seventeen countries after all.”

“Toni, would you stop _joking_ , for once—,” Barton begins, as Toni turns to jump lightly back to the ground and her feet slip briefly.

Only catching the swooping sensation in her stomach and the startled cries from Rogers and the others, Toni moves _fast_. She sees Rogers bolting towards her, preparing to catch her, and thinks, _the fuck you will_. Immediately, her gauntlets bristle, her arc reactor thrumming up a storm as the suit forms swiftly around her body, cocooning her in golden sheets of armour.

As Rogers surges for her, Toni’s mind goes crazy.

_Siberia_ , she thinks blindingly, holding back a desperate half-sob. _Mama—cold, the shield, he’s going to kill me—_

“Boss, your heart rate is above normal,” Friday says, a whisper against her ears. “Come back, please. You are safe. You are here. I have you, please.”

“Shit—hydrogen, fuck,” Toni gets out in a half sob, her voice rasping. Her voice turns low as she mumbles the chant to herself, her breaths fierce and hoarse. “Hydrogen, lithium—sodi—sodium, potassium. Rub—rubidium, caesium, francium.”

She’s starting to breathe again, realising faintly that Friday caught her in mid-air. Her armour ripples around her protectively and Toni blinks, breathes again.

She lands clumsily, the armour clanking against the ground, and suppresses a hiss of pain, just as Rogers and Romanoff manage to get to her in time. Toni jerks out of their space quickly, tapping at the reactor protectively, and flashes a sloppily prepared, bright, and careless smile at them out of sheer self-preservation. Her heart pounds fiercely, panic threatening to climb up her throat to burst out of her.

She’s starting to breathe again.

Toni realises faintly that she’s sunken against the wall behind her, to her knees, leaning heavily. She’s bleeding again, the gauntlet completely soaked in red, her heart pounding loud in her ears. She’s getting too reckless these days, Toni realises faintly in the back of her mind. It’s alarmingly close to how she’d reacted to finding out she was being poisoned by the arc reactor, the very thing keeping her alive. It hadn’t been the healthiest of reactions, Toni thinks, something like hysteria bubbling up within her.

But oh, if there hadn’t been sweet _relief_ in knowing that it would all end soon. All of the pain, the torment. The inability to sleep, to eat, to _live_.

It would all just— _end_.

Some part of her, some deep, awful part she doesn’t want to know, had been secretly grateful, Toni knows. Even now, she’s growing careless in taking care of herself, because what does it all matter, anyway? She’s nothing but the shield between the world and Thanos, a suit of armour around the world, after all.

They’re all staring at her, with wider eyes now, and it’s so humiliating that she wants to fling herself out of the window. Her gaze turns to the window in question, ignoring Friday’s desperate calls in her ears.

It _does_ look awfully tempting.

But Romanoff moves closer, kneeling to the floor, as DUM-e attempts to run her over. Her fingers reach out to drift across Toni’s cheek before Toni knows what’s happening, her gaze worried.

“Toni,” she says with concern, as Toni gasps hotly, flinching back in horror.

She surges back so hard she hits her head on the wall, hissing in pain, and the suit ripples from her arc reactor protectively. U and DUM-e promptly crash into Romanoff, without abandon, as the world shifts and blurs around Toni again. She can hear a slight commotion in the distance but focuses on trying to pull herself together again.

Flushing with embarrassment and her hand pressed to her chest protectively, Toni hates that they’ve seen her lose control like this. When she can breathe again, she sees there’s an ache in Romanoff’s face that mirrors Rogers’ twisted features. Even Barton looks concerned, his brows knitted together in that way Toni’s only seen when he talks about his kids.

“You can’t—can’t come near me,” she manages to get out, trying to sound as snappish as possible. “Back _off_ , Romanoff.”

“I will not hesitate to shoot you, Ms Romanoff,” Friday says coldly. “Do as boss says.”

Immediately, Romanoff steps back, nodding quickly. They all push back, to Toni’s confused gratitude, and she can breathe again, the periodic table falling from her lips in a frantic mumble, her soulmark a constant burn against her flesh. Her cheeks are flushed with hot embarrassment, to have them see her like this.

“Was that…” Lang’s eyes are confused as he speaks, hesitant. “The _periodic table_?”

“Grounding mechanism,” Toni says, as she forces herself up on shaky legs. She breathes out slowly, unclenching her fist. “Staple for PTSD.”

“PTSD?” Rogers repeats faintly.

“Yeah, Cap,” Toni mutters, before hitching her usual press-grin on her face. She must look slightly manic by now, the energy sapping out of her slowly. “People go through wormholes and see whole alien armies, headed by a giant purple titan ready to kill us all, they don’t come out the same.”

She drops the grin, giving up at any pretence. Her fingers find the countertop once more, scrabbling to keep herself steady as Toni swallows thickly. Friday moves fast, instructing DUM-e to offer her a glass of water. Once more, Toni’s thoughts jumble up in a haze of desire and lusting for the dull burn only alcohol can provide, uncomfortable twitches brimming under her skin.

God, being sober _sucks_.

Even so, Toni reaches to take the cold glass of water, pats DUM-e with brimming affection, her heart catching. She mumbles a quick thanks and downs the glass quickly, almost spilling it when Friday speaks again.

“Boss. He’s here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos if you saw the sly Sherlock quote in there!
> 
> I know that people were hating on Steve for not knowing Toni enough, but I hope that you can see that Toni was the one to tell him that it was her favourite, in her attempt to "fit in", I guess. It's not that the Avengers didn't know Toni, it's that she pushed a different version of herself - arrogant, intelligent, cool - so they wouldn't see the real her, like a defence mechanism, I guess. That's not to say that Toni's the only wrong one in this equation, too. It's all very messy tbh, but Maria's getting a good enough handle, I guess. Plus Toni's fears of being compared to Captain America, and coming up short, also add to her very damaged psyche, especially with the way the Avengers are trying to handle this new Thanos situation. 
> 
> I keep feeling like I'm going in circles, lol, but I promise there will be real plot. Thank you so much for taking your time out to read and I hope you enjoyed it! :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad that everyone seems to be enjoying the story and thank you all so much for such lovely comments and the kudos. It genuinely does push me to write more. 
> 
> I'd also like to formally apologise because in the last chapter, I did unwittingly imply that Toni was complicit in her own abuse. I didn't mean to victim-blame in the slightest, I just wanted to explain and show the circumstances surrounding Toni's mindset. I got very caught up in my desire to explore the characters and portray grey characters that I forgot that the abuse that Toni has suffered is something that I cannot take lightly, and that was wrong of me. I wanted to give a balanced portrayal of both sides, while still favouring Toni's, and I realise that I haven't done it right. I apologise wholeheartedly and I have re-edited the chapters of the story so I won't do this again. Thank you again, for reading, and I hope you enjoy the story.

“…with the fantastic job you’ve been doing here, Stark,” Ross says, a slimy thing, his smile sharp. “Even the US government haven’t got much to complain about.”

“The poor things,” Toni says, but her heart pounds something fierce.

They’re in the communal space, where for once, Toni is seated. Sprawled around the table are the Avengers, all of whom are eyeing Ross with the deepest of suspicion. If Maximoff could find a way to burn Ross where he sits, Toni thinks, she’s pretty sure the witch would have done it by now. And Barton looks ready to beat the Secretary of State to death with his bare hands.

But Toni? Toni is both defensive and tired all at once.

A strange type of exhaustion seeps into her body, pulling her down, but she’s too agitated and tense to do anything but keep herself up. Nervousness ripples under her skin, keeps her still standing, brings her anxiety to the brink.

“But these… complaints that Ms Hill has been sending to the United Nations, asking for you to come back to the Tower?” Ross blinks, pretends at being a human.

Toni wants to punch him.

She clears her throat instead.

“I’m only a consultant, Secretary Ross, for the reformed Avengers Initiative,” she says, fear brimming under her skin like a disease. God, one wrong toe out of line and they’re all dead, they’re all going to die—and it will be _because of her_. “With all due respect, I can’t waste my time playing a glorified babysitter. I _am_ the CEO of a global corporation.”

For a moment, she thinks the joke might have gone too far.

But it seems that Ross is in a good mood today. God, Toni thinks again. What poor sod had to suffer for that smile on his face?

“Your accomplishments are impressive, Stark,” Ross says. “But you are also the only one the United Nations trusts to be able to successfully handle the Avengers.”

Wilson clears his throat. “We’re literally _right_ here.”

Ross continues, ignoring him. “Look at the fantastic job you’ve done in the past weeks here.” He smirks. “Not a civil war to be seen.”

Her heart pounds with fear, with panic.

She fights to breathe again.

They want to keep her here. They’ll trap her down, leave her screaming into the dark abyss of her own loneliness, to get what they want.

Toni imagines the gauntlet climbing over her fist, brimming with the metal of the armour. Dreams of cracking her knuckles against his face, breaking his mouth apart Laura Barton style. Pretends that it would be worth it. The onslaught of press. The assault charges. The judge’s verdict, which would ultimately lead to her dying in the Raft alone.

When she lifts her head, forcing a smile to her face, she takes a moment to cast a quick look around the room. Rogers is still reading through the mission protocols, while Romanoff just looks thoughtful as ever. Wilson is still affronted, from the tautness around his mouth, and Lang looks like he’s trying to crawl out of his own space. Barnes is cold and quiet, as ever.

They don’t realise anything is wrong, she realises faintly, her heart aching. They don’t see the threats underlying Ross’ words. They think that she’s sucking up to the Secretary of State for them, preening under his ‘praise’.

If only Rhodey were here, Toni thinks desperately, a lump in her throat. She wants her best friend back badly. Isn’t that so annoying? Rogers got everything, even his best friend. And what did Toni end up with?

She clears her throat to answer, before catching Barton’s gaze. The archer is the only one who is looking at her, his expression turning slightly confused. His gaze turns slowly to Ross, his brows furrowing together. No longer does he look ready to leap across the table and throttle Ross, but he looks thoughtful, contemplative.

“Thank you,” Toni manages to croak out weakly, her voice strained.

Ross inclines his head, his eyes bright, and _God, she hates him._ “You keep working with us like this, Stark, and we’ll end up good friends.” The thought of her being friends with someone like Ross is enough to make her sick. “I know you’ve got a mission coming up, so I won’t keep you long. I’ve got to speak to you personally, over some technicalities, regarding the Sokovian government.”

Toni wants to kill him, but as expected, the witch’s head snaps up. “What about the Sokovian government?” she demands, her voice husky.

 _For God’s sake_ , she wants to scream. _He’s doing this on purpose, to antagonise you, you idiot. Can’t you see?_

The moment Maximoff even lets out a tendril of red go the wrong way, Ross has enough material to throw them all in the Raft until the world ends. Toni stands up quickly, the chair clattering back so noisily that she’s attracted all of their attentions. Her nerves are frayed, anxiety brimming hotly under the surface, and her heart pounds up a brilliant storm.

Ross’ gaze lingers on the witch, a leering fascination lighting his eyes. Toni tries not to stiffen in defence. “Just the pardons, Miss Maximoff, regarding yourself and your brother. Percy, was it?”

Before the witch can attack the Secretary of State, Toni throws herself in the way quickly. She moves so fast she’s almost a blur, hitting her knee in the table painfully, as she speaks, hurrying to Ross’ side.

“We can go here,” she says, waving a hand as Friday opens the doors on cue. “Secretary, after you.”

When Toni turns her head back, she sees the Black Widow holding back a mutinous witch, red curling around them all, her heart pounding. They’re all trying to calm the distraught girl, but Barton’s gaze is still in that thoughtful state.

The archer’s gaze lingers on her.

.

.

Still shaking from Ross’ threats if the mission went south, Toni moves to fix up the quinjet’s controls quickly.

They’d almost crashed into a forest, if it wasn’t for Toni’s quick thinking. She’d realised the jet was starting to veer off its target, bounded up, out of her seatbelt restraints, to the Avengers’ loud protests, and hurried to the cockpit quickly. She’s already managed to gain control of the jet, cursing that it’s a United Nations jet, rather than one of her own. If it was a Stark jet, this never would have happened.

There’s no foul play, to her relief, but Toni’s almost got it fixed. It’s still smoking slightly, and she rubs her head, her cheeks smudged with oil.

When the doors open slowly, Toni stiffens automatically. Her fingers go immediately to her arc reactor, her breathing hard. Sitting with them back out there had turned her nerves inside out, had almost killed her. She’d barely been able to breathe, stuck in a tight space with people who hated her, people who betrayed her. People who’d cut out the bloody pieces of her beating heart that she’d given them and crumpled it to dust. And she can’t blame it on anyone, but herself. Because dear old Dad had warned her, hadn’t he?

_Open your heart too much and the vultures will peck the flesh to bits._

She’s only got herself to blame for this one.

“It’s only me.”

Barton clears his throat, announcing his presence quietly. Toni tries not to flinch, but she keeps herself out of his space quickly. It’s all too clear that she’s trying to avoid his space and she thinks the archer might realise that, his gaze clouding slightly.

“I’ll get the jet starting up again, soon,” Toni says. “You can tell them it won’t take too long.”

“I know,” Barton says, but he doesn’t move. He’s still contemplative, his gaze on Toni, and when he speaks, his voice is this forced casualness. “So, what did Ross have to say?”

Oh, God, Barton wants to _talk_.

Toni clears her throat and ducks back into working on the quinjet, her fingers flying over the keypad quickly. She tries not to show how much her fingers are shaking, even at the mention of Ross.

She’s _Iron Woman_ , for God’s sake.

Iron Woman isn’t supposed to be scared of anything.

“The usual,” she says, trying to sound as careless and flippant as she possibly can, hiding her face. “Do everything he wants or risk another ‘surprise’ search of the Tower. Stick to the Accords and the US government just the way they like or be ‘contained’ again.”

“Contained?”

“Tied up in so much red tape that if we took a step outside, we’d be shot,” Toni says carelessly, her attentions only on the keypad. She pulls out a small hammer and hammers the nail back on. “Legalities and loopholes large enough to hang us. Short stops and sudden drops, and all that. You know, the usual.”

Barton’s voice is suddenly thin. “The usual?” he repeats. “He’s threatened you before?”

Toni stills at the sheer fury rippling in the archer’s voice and lifts her head. Her fingers reach unbidden to her mouth once more, scraping over the phantom wound Laura left on her, her heart pounding. Barton looks furious, his brows furrowing together and his eyes wide with horror. His fingers are twitching, as though he itches to hold his trusty bow and arrow once more.

“Well, _yeah_ ,” she says, frowning at him. “What do you think he’s been doing for the past few months? Stupid asshole just keeps adding to my stress levels and the fucker enjoys it, too.”

“The Secretary of State is threatening you?” Barton repeats, his eyes dark with fury. “To keep in line or—,”

“Look, he’s not that high on my list of problems, okay?” Toni says, shrugging. “Right now, I have to make sure that this mission doesn’t go south and that we all look good for the press.”

Even then, her mind is still reeling over the list of things she has to do after this. The mission, Thanos— _Rhodey._ She always goes to Rhodey, talks to him like everything’s normal, and if her fingers shake, then nobody has to know. He’s even starting to gradually recover, to her rare joy, starting to open his eyes and his hands move slightly, too. Toni would spend all her time with Rhodey, if she could get away with it.

But Barton still looks frustrated, she realises as the quinjet starts moving again. She eyes him, having tapped in the coordinates quickly. Why is he getting so wound up? Who gives a shit anymore?

“Did he do that?” Barton points at her mouth.

Toni’s gaze drops, before she looks steadily back at the archer. “No,” she says, seeing his forehead smooth out in minute relief. “No, that was your wife.”

_The black eye? That was your Winter Soldier._

_The arc reactor? That was your captain._

_The soulmark? That was me._

Barton looks like she’s hit him in the face, just like his wife. “ _Laura_?” he manages to choke out, his voice hoarse. “Laura did that?” Something like realisation dawns on his face. “That—that’s why you won’t eat the food she sends you?”

“I’m not _that_ petty,” Toni argues, before stopping to think. Yeah, she is. Toni shrugs, uncaring. “No, I just don’t really want to have anything else to do with you all, unless it’s work-related. I don’t care how good her casserole is.”

She moves past the archer, who is in a state of shock, to settle herself back into her seat and calm her beating heart.

.

.

It’s scarily easy to fall back into rhythm with the Avengers.

Like they’d never fallen apart in the first place, Toni thinks, startled. She moves through the air easily to defend themselves against this weird rhino guy, throws herself in front of Romanoff, lifts Barton into the air to drop him off next to Wilson. But perhaps, she has some sense of self-preservation after all. She doesn’t go anywhere near Rogers and Barnes.

Then again…

Toni doesn’t move.

When the largest rhino-robot, towering above her so enormously that it could crush her completely, charges at her, Toni doesn’t move a muscle. For a moment, she stares at this great thing in its eyes, watches the bright blue flickering like a light, imagines her own death.

It’s so peaceful to think of that Toni just doesn’t move. The thought of just stopping, ending—just like that. Everything within her would finally just _stop_. It sounds so sweet and just so _appealing_ , Toni thinks helplessly.

All of these years are piling up on her and they’ve been so tiring.

Toni is just so _tired_. She is tired of fighting, tired of being Iron Woman.

_Big woman in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

So, she lifts her head, looks the raging beast in the eye, and murmurs, “ _Do it_.”

And then everything comes into focus and she can hear _screaming_ , so loud that her ears ring, Friday howling for her life, Rogers and Romanoff screaming helplessly through the air as they bolt towards her. Toni bows her head, takes a deep breath, and when she lifts her repulsor, she fires it with a heavier heart than anything.

“Boss, please— _please_ , don’t ever do that again,” Friday says, distraught.

When the large beast stumbles in his steps, heavy and aching, Toni takes a step forward. She reaches out a hand to it, amidst the screaming, pats the head tiredly.

“It’s okay. It’s going to send you to sleep for a bit,” Toni tells the rhino reassuringly, her voice low. “Don’t worry, I’ve tried it out on myself, so you’re perfectly safe.” The beast moans sadly at her, lurching heavily, and Toni offers it a small smile, before she moves forward, the words falling from her mouth. “That asshole never should have genetically modified you, poor thing.”

“ _Toni!_ ” Rogers, Barton, and Romanoff are screaming as the beast lurches heavily towards her.

As it crashes to the ground, Toni lets the armour slide back from her face and feels the full force of the pain aching through her body. Take the Iron Woman suit off and what is she? In a lot of pain, apparently.

She realises vaguely that she’s been badly hit multiple times, and sways heavily, as Friday scans her desperately for multiple injuries. Friday is a reassuring voice in her ear, the Irish lilt almost lulling her to sleep. Toni blinks, forcing herself awake when the evil rhino guy is still coming for them. She takes a few unsteady steps back, using one hand on the sleeping rhino beside her to steady herself.

Barnes is moving through the streets, his movements clunky as he moves with the metal arm, and she can see the other Avengers moving towards her, too. But Maximoff’s startled cry jerks her head back.

“Vision,” comes the breathy voice in her ear and Toni’s eyes widen, her heart thumping with joy.

 _Jarvis_ , she thinks immediately, wrongly when Vision’s voice echoes towards her. No. That—that’s wrong, she corrects silently, her heart slowly sinking. That’s not Jarvis.

“Vision,” Toni gets out through a strangled voice, the hope rising through her tone. “You’re _back_.”

Vision looks at her, before nodding, his face impassive as ever. “Toni,” he says, and Toni bites down the shiver that runs up her back, trying not to think _JarvisJarvisJarvis_. “I—I am sorry that I left so abruptly. I understand that you have had a troubling few months.”

And that’s how she knows this conversation will be something she’s going to run away from. So Toni clears her throat. “Bud, we’re going to have put a raincheck on this. If you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of a—,”

“I found a place. It is called Kamar-Taj—watch out!”

Toni dives away from the car that’s been thrown at her, whistling through the air quickly, but red tendrils reach out to settle around the car, crushing it as the mechanical whine echoes in the air. Her breathing comes hard; Toni remembers the feel of cars crushing her—she forces herself to murmur the periodic table again, her heart pounding in her chest.

Maximoff’s eyes are wide with delight, the first positive emotion Toni’s seen from her, as she unsteadily floats to Vision. Vision takes a few steps back, visibly swallows nervously. Toni feels an unrepentant amount of protectiveness rise up within her, pushes herself forward automatically.

“Vision,” she says again. “You’re—,”

“Do I need to remind you all that we’re in a mission—,” Toni gets out, before Vision lets out a strangled cry.

“Please stay away from me,” he manages to get out.

The witch’s face looks crushed, her brows furrowing together, bewildered. When she takes a step forward, Vision stumbles back immediately, almost tripping over stray rubble. Toni turns her gaze quickly over the horizon, realises that Rogers and Romanoff have managed to subdue the rhino guy. This mission might just go well, she thinks, her heart pounding in her chest.

“Vision, it is me,” Maximoff says.

But Vision looks panicked—and _oh_.

Toni knows what that looks like. He’s looking terrified, pushing himself back as the mind stone glows within his forehead. She surges forward, snapping out her words briskly to Maximoff.

“Do as he says—get back!” she calls over her head, focusing on Vision. “Vision? Focus on me, now. It’s okay. It’s all okay—you’re here. You’re with me—,”

“What’s going on?” Maximoff demands from behind her, her voice turning small and slightly scared.

“Happening—hurts, it _hurts_ —,” Vision manages to get out, his voice turning into a whimper, and the way his eyes widen in abject fear pierces Toni’s heart.

With blinding realisation, she remembers the large hole in the Compound, remembers the tapes on the CCTV, the way Vision’s face had turned terrified—just as it’s doing now. He thinks he’s having his body taken from him, again.

“You’re not there, anymore, Vision,” Toni tells him, kneeling in front of him. “You’re okay. You’re here, with me—,”

“Vision?” Maximoff is calling, as Vision trembles at the sound of her voice alone. “What’s wrong? What’s happening, Stark?”

“Maximoff, just stay back—,”

“Stop telling me to stay back! You are not my keeper!” Her voice rings with fear and concern. “What is happening to him?”

Vision is freaking out, “I don’t —I don’t understand what’s happening—,”

Romanoff is in her ear, worried, “Toni, is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” Toni snaps, already on the edge. She can handle this. “Just —Vision, focus on the sound of my voice—,”

“Stark, what is happening to him?” Maximoff is calling out.

“Just stay back, Maximoff—,” Toni turns her head briefly, recognises the red curling around the witch uncertainly. “Friday, deploy Operation Red—,”

She’s broken off by Vision’s whimpering, but Friday is automatic, as Toni’s new protocols of dealing with the Scarlet Witch are deployed. Her Irish voice echoes reassuringly from the armour, as Toni helps Vision get up again.

“Ms Maximoff. If you would please stand down,” Friday is saying, warning the witch that there are gauntlets similar to the choker on the Raft as the suit brims around Toni, the gauntlets slipping from the tech. “They are a temporary precaution that will be used, if you do not control yourself right now—,”

But that seems to be Maximoff’s breaking point.

“ _No_!” Maximoff screams, shaking her head, her hair tumbling about her shoulders, her eyes wide with fear. “No—you can’t—not again, no, _Stark_!”

“Maximoff, just calm down—it’s a temporary procedure, that’s all—Friday won’t use them if you just _calm down—_ ,”

But the witch is looking terrified, red curling around her body uncertainly. She doesn’t seem to realise that she’s floating a little above the ground. Vision’s eyes are wide. “She’s losing control, Toni—,”

Toni makes up her mind in an instant.

The red around Maximoff is swirling something fierce, she realises, and in one moment, just as the witch loses control, Toni pushes Vision back. Vision stumbles, not expecting it, but he’s safely out of the way. Screams echoing in her ears so hard that they ring, Toni turns to calm down the witch, her arms risen in the universal gesture of peace.

But the red _explodes_ —

Toni throws herself in front, without a moment’s thought.

“ _TONI!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a cliffhanger, I know, and I do apologise for giving you all Ross' presence. But Vision's back, so I'm hoping to explore him, as well. Barton's realising that things are far worse than he could have ever thought, but it seems the rest of Team Cap are just oblivious to Toni's real pain.
> 
> I know that people are wondering if it's ever going to get any better. I do believe in happy endings, I truly do. But things always have to get worse before they get better, don't they?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry for leaving you all on such a terrible cliffhanger - but I hope this chapter's worth the wait! I was worried I might not get it up in time, because I have so many assignments due, but I managed it, somehow. Thank you all for reading and commenting!
> 
> RIP Stan Lee. You opened the doors into a universe filled with beauty and magic and you left those doors open for the rest of us, too. I'll never stop being grateful.

Clint _runs_ when he sees Toni fall.

Red envelopes the entire area, as Wanda screams something raw and awful, and all he can see is Toni pushing Vision out of the way, narrowing her eyes. She throws herself in between the attack, _on purpose_ , takes the full force, and is thrown back through the air.

At first, everything is quiet.

The archer doesn’t know what to think. One moment Toni’s in the air and then suddenly she’s on the ground, deadly still. Something pierces his chest, leaves him gasping, and then, he’s pulled back to the present, the world shifting around him suddenly. Steve’s already bolting towards Toni, Natasha on his heels, both of them wide-eyed with panic as they scream her name, their voices echoing in the wind. Clint turns an eye over the rhino-guy that Barnes and Sam have in order quickly, before he hurries, too.

Steve’s knelt to Toni’s side, ripping off her faceplate, as the armour slides back. Friday’s voice echoes through the place. The AI desperately scans Toni for multiple injuries, listing out a vast array that shocks Clint. He hadn’t known that Toni had been hit so many times, he thinks, blinded.

“Who was covering her?” he manages to get out, hoarsely.

Natasha is around her, having dropped heavily to her knees and wrapped her arms around Toni protectively, checking her heartbeat. Clint’s gaze drops to the gauntlets wrapped securely around Toni’s wrists, as blood seeps from under the metal. His brows furrow and he kneels to take the gauntlet off, to wrap whatever wound she’s gotten. But the gauntlets won’t come off.

At Clint’s question, Natasha’s head snaps up and her gaze narrows. When she speaks, she’s so fraught that a slip of the old Russian accent colours her words—and that’s how Clint knows Natasha is _terrified_.

“She took a few hits for me, said it was fine,” she says, her cheeks pale. Natasha swears lowly in Russian. “I should have known.” Her gaze narrows on Toni. “How could she do that? Did you see her before?”

“Do what?” Clint is asking, having given up on the gauntlets and already calling for the ambulance.

“She stopped on purpose,” Natasha is muttering. “In front of that thing. She wasn’t moving.”

Barton remembers the way that Toni had stopped, too. It was a conscious decision, he realises. Not a malfunction of the suit, not a play for the giant rhino attacking them. It had looked like she wasn’t willing to move. A sacrifice, he thinks suddenly, and something in his gut curls.

“What are you trying to say, Nat?”

Natasha’s gaze levels on Toni, concern paling her cheeks. There’s something careful and inquisitive in her features, as her gaze turns slowly to the gauntlets wrapped around Toni’s wrist.

“I don’t know yet.”

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is echoing in rippling fear, and Clint is strongly reminded that Friday is only a few years old. “Boss, _please_ —please wake up—,”

“She’s going to be okay, Friday,” Natasha tells her, a soft motherly lilt in her voice.

But Friday scorns her. “I can’t trust you. I can’t trust any of you. You promised you would take care of her and you left her to die,” the AI spits out bitterly.

_To die?_

Toni’s AIs don’t get confused, do they? Clint furrows his brows, thinks frantically. What is she talking about? Beside him, Steve stiffens, but Clint exchanges worried, confused looks with Natasha. He takes a step forward, reaching out a hand to brush away Toni’s mass of curls, taking comfort in the way her breaths have grown steady. Natasha lifts her head to eye Clint briefly, as he nods mutely, telling her that the ambulance is on its way.

“Friday, honey.” Natasha’s voice is even softer than Clint thought possible. “It’s going to be okay. We’re here, now. We’re not going anywhere.”

“I wish you were,” comes the fiercely protective voice of the AI. “I wish you were all _gone_ , where you can’t hurt her anymore.”

.

.

Toni starts screaming when she wakes, writhing against the steaming sheets of the hospital bed.

People are surrounding her, but their hands are reaching out towards her chest—her _arc reactor_ , her _heart_ , and their faces morph into Steve, into Obie, the walls turning back into that dark cave again. Yinsen is there, his face twisting with worry, and he speaks to her.

“Ms Stark, you have to calm down, you must—,”

That’s not Yinsen, she realises, as his face twists and morphs away, red tinging the edge of her vision. Toni screams and _screams_ , unable to breathe properly, as her chest aches something fierce, like there’s something heavy weighing on her chest unable to work—

“Ms Stark, _please_ —,”

.

.

Maria is busy in Legal when Friday calls for her.

Well, it’s not really a call. It’s more like every single computer in the room shuts down, blaring red as Friday’s terrified voice babbles out desperate orders. Maria is so startled she doesn’t move for a moment, her eyes wide, as she wonders briefly if this is some cyber-attack.

“Ms Hill, there’s nobody else to call—they need to restart Toni’s heart, but she’s not—please, _please_ , come—,”

“Holy shit,” Jane from Accounting breathes. “She was on a mission today, I remember it on the memo—,”

There’s no time to breathe. Jane manages to scramble up the rest of the papers from Maria’s arms, Erin and Aisha from Legal grab the rest of her things and Maria’s stumbling out of the building and into a car that Friday’s managed to scrounge up. They almost break the speed limit; Maria’s hands barely touching the wheel as Friday takes control of the car, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Friday, what’s happened to Toni? What—,”

“Vision came back and Ms Maximoff lost control,” Friday says, her voice taut with fury as they narrowly avoid killing a motorcyclist. “Toni threw herself in the middle and her arc reactor took the brunt of the hit. The doctors can’t get close enough to start it up again, because—because—,”

“Friday?”

“She thinks she’s back in Afghanistan,” Friday confesses as the car stops in front of the hospital. Maria is stunned, her eyes wide as her stomach clenches with horror. It takes Friday’s sharp order to bring her back to life. “There was nobody else but you to call! Now, go!”

_Back in Afghanistan_ , Maria thinks as she stumbles out of the car, her scarf and coat almost falling off her frame. Her mind reels over fragments and snatches of brief mission statements as Maria hurries to scribble her name on the visiting stations, letting Friday guide her to Toni’s private bay. Afghanistan, she thinks again, slightly slipping on the polished white floors. Her gut clenches at the sight of the familiar hospital walls, thinks of her mother, but Maria keeps going. How long has it been? Most people have all forgotten about it, but Toni lived through something Maria has never seen. She’s had her fair share of horrific missions, but nothing so terrible as capture and torture.

Nick had exhausted all efforts to find Toni, citing that it was because of Howard Stark, out of sheer obligation, but even SHIELD was lacking. In the end, Colonel Rhodes saved his best friend and Iron Woman came to life. Toni’s never talked about Afghanistan, not to the press, not to the government, not even to SHIELD. Maria knows very little about it.

As Maria hurries into the hospital room, Toni’s screams spurring her on, Friday pushes open the doors for her. She’s utterly terrified, not knowing what on earth _she_ , of all people, could do, as Friday’s words echo in her head. _There was nobody else but you to call_. Toni really has nobody else she trusts, but her?

“Excuse me, but you’re not allowed to be here—,” a doctor tries to say.

Maria is gasping for breath, shaking her head. “I—I’m her primary contact,” she tries to lie, her cheeks flushed.

It’s then that Maria realises most of the Avengers are here, too. Natasha’s already on her feet and Steve is coming in through the doors, the others turning their heads towards the commotion. Before the doctors around her can argue even more, Toni’s scream pierces the air.

“I can help,” Maria tells them, as Friday’s voice echoes.

“Maybe we should both try,” Natasha says, her brows furrowed in concern.

“Ms Stark gave permission for Ms Hill, should the opportunity arise, to be her primary contact,” the AI lies, and the doors to the room bang open.

Maria doesn’t hesitate, barraging into the room where Toni is screaming, writhing on the sheets. Her eyes are open, pupils blown with fear and panic, but she doesn’t seem to be seeing anything. Red floats around her frame as Toni struggles on the bed, pushing the doctors away.

“Toni?” Natasha’s behind her, but Toni screams even more at the sight of her.

The other Avengers look desperate to help, Clint’s face torn with concern as Steve attempts to move in with Natasha. But Friday is cold as ice, her voice is a furious, sharp shout.

“Out! All of you _out now_!”

Maria pushes forward amidst the chaos, to Toni’s bed, her fingers light on Toni’s arm as the Stark woman sobs. She looks like she can’t breathe properly, red light framing her figure, and the arc reactor is dulled, the light flickering on and off. It’s sickening to see, Toni screaming, _writhing_ like that. The nurse beside Maria tells her that the arc reactor has to be started up again, just as Maria reaches for Toni, her heart in her mouth.

“It’s okay,” she says, her voice as soft as she can make it, forcing herself to calm. She’s trembling, but for Toni, Maria swallows thickly and struggles on. “Toni, it’s okay, it’s me—you’re not there anymore, it’s okay—,” She continues in this vein, as Toni slowly starts to breathe properly, but the red light rises a little around her, to her confusion. The arc reactor whines, to Maria’s alarm. “Friday, she had a grounding mechanism, what was it?”

“Pepper, Happy, Rhodey—no, it’s the periodic table,” Friday babbles desperately. “The periodic table.”

“Okay, okay,” Maria says, wracking her brains and reaching to steady Toni as the doctors ready themselves around her. Toni is still screaming in her arms, struggling as she sobs helplessly, and it’s a scene that cuts Maria to her core, leaves her gasping. She’s grateful when Friday flashes the periodic table on a screen beside her.  “Toni, listen to me, listen. You’re okay, you’re okay. Repeat after me, Toni—hydrogen, lithium, sodium, potassium, rubidium, caesium, francium. Hydrogen, lithium, sodium, potassium…”

“Rubidium, cae—caesium, francium,” Toni mumbles, collapsing, boneless in Maria’s arms.

The doctors pounce, hurrying forwards to jump-start the arc reactor, and as a harsh sob crawls out of Toni’s throat, Maria reaches to tighten her arms around the woman. Toni is shaking in her arms, but Maria embraces her tightly, still trembling in fear. She’s swallowing down her own horrors, the way Toni’s eyes had widened with panic and fear, as Toni slowly starts to relax again.

“Is she—is she going to be okay?” Maria asks shakily.

“She will be,” the doctor says, as Maria blinks at her name on the coat. Dr Monali Kapoor is rubbing her forehead tiredly as she nods. “I—I’ve never seen an attack like that. She’ll be okay, but she needs to rest.”

_Maximoff_ , Maria thinks suddenly, her gut clenching angrily. Wanda did this to Toni.

Dr Kapoor is looking concerned as her gaze rakes briefly over Toni, scribbling things down on the charts. “Ms…”

“Hill. Maria Hill.”

“If you could please sign some of these forms for us,” Dr Kapoor says. “And… I understand that it’s not the time, but I really do advise professional therapy for Dr Stark.”

Maria’s gaze slowly turns to Toni, who is already beginning to moan in her sleep. A sadness for Toni envelopes her completely, turning her stomach over, and Maria gives a shaky nod.

.

.

In the hospital, after her surgery, Toni calls out in her sleep.

They can hear her from her hospital room, the one Friday has locked them all out of, except Maria Hill. It freaks Clint out, frays his nerves even more as he stays on the window ledge, wanting the wind on his face to cool his anxiety. He’s panicking for Toni, concern rushing his chest, because no matter what happened, he still loves her. He doesn’t want her _hurt_.

And this Ross thing is starting to make him think, too.

“St—no, no, please!” Toni is crying out something hoarse, as everyone in the waiting room shifts, uncomfortably.

Natasha is deathly still, her shoulders stiff as she lifts herself from her seat. “Stane,” she mutters, realisation flickering through her voice as she speaks. “She’s talking about Stane.”

“What about him?” Sam is asking, his brows furrowed.

Steve looks vaguely sick, his head lowered. He’s been going back and forth from Toni’s waiting room to Wanda’s, checking on Vision, and making sure that everyone is okay. Scott got hurt, too, but it’s nothing that warrants anything more than a first-aid box.

“Stane tried to kill her,” Natasha says, already on her way to Toni’s door. “I’ve seen the footage. The arc reactor—he pulled it out, left her to die.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Sam mutters, raising his eyebrows.

Clint’s strongly reminded once more that Toni is supposed to be a civilian. She, like Scott, isn’t trained for any of this, not properly. They’re relatively alright, mentally, even Steve, at some points, because they’ve had time and work to get over what they’ve been through. Natasha’s convinced that she’s not doing well, because everything seems to be happening, without stopping. Iron Woman was barely a couple of years ago anyway, he thinks, concern rippling within him.

He thinks of Ross again, his lips pursing into a vicious scowl, wonders what the Secretary of State is thinking, trying to threaten Toni. If he tries it again, Clint knows that Ross won’t get away with it.

He wonders how Toni is managing it.

Then Toni screams again and Natasha mutters, “That’s _it_.”

She moves to unlock the doors that Maria has instructed them never to enter, as Clint leaps lightly to his feet, to join her. It’s an easy thing to unlock, as Nat’s fingers wrap around the handle, but when she tries to open the door, it rattles noisily, refusing to open.

“Boss doesn’t need you,” Friday says, her voice cold.

As Natasha tries to hack into Friday’s code, she speaks quickly. “Friday, we can help her,” Natasha tries. She jerks her head towards Clint, so he taps in the keypad at her command, but the doors still refuse to open.

“You’re hearing her, right?” Clint asks. “Friday, you have to let us in—,”

“ _I_ can protect boss just fine,” Friday insists. “And stop tampering with my code or I’ll self-destruct.”

Immediately, Clint and Natasha’s hands drop from the keypad as though they’ve been burned. There’s a small silence that emanates around them, as Clint’s head reels with questions. Friday would _self-destruct_ if they touched her again? Did Toni do that? How much does Toni hate them?

“She’s not doing too well in there,” Sam points out.

Friday’s voice is colder than Clint thought possible.

“Trust me. She’d be doing much worse with you all in there.”

.

.

_Everything is cold, and it hurts._

_That’s the only thing she knows._

_She is choking on her own blood, her suit caving in on her, her bones broken, her ribs shattered apart. Her heart, a wild, broken thing, tries to beat resiliently. It’s gotten her through Afghanistan, through Obie, through New York; it doesn’t want to fail her now._

_But maybe Siberia is her end._

_Her soulmark screams for her, a wild, raging fire through her body. Pain resounds through her, but Toni simply turns her head, her dark curls shifting, and sobs for her mama._

_Her poor mama, who was strangled to death, who was crying, calling out for her dad, who had his head brutally, viciously bashed in—God, she’s going to be sick._

_Toni takes deep, ragged breaths, knows they’re her last._

_Everything hurts so, so bad._

_She didn’t think Steve was capable of this much destruction, Toni thinks bitterly._

_She’s sobbing when she closes her eyes, her breaths haggard, whispering in Italian, her mother’s tongue, that she’s coming for them now. There’s nobody left in the world to pull her back, to make her swear to live—_

Toni wakes in the hospital room, screaming.

Her chest is burning and her head pounds, her heart heavy as she breathes hard, the world a blur around her. Toni scrambles to swallow the scream quickly, her hair tumbling around her in the bed, as she stares around herself in confusion.

Maria has shot up from her seat towards her, but there’s a large scuffle and the banging sounds of a door that makes Toni wince.

“Toni?” Maria’s voice is a soft gasp. “Toni—,”

“Is she awake? We heard—,”

“Is she okay?”

Voices fumble over themselves as Toni moans, opening her eyes. She flinches back at the sight of the Avengers, wants to close her eyes again, distraught.

Surrounded and yet, all alone.

Rogers, Romanoff, and Barton have burst into the hospital room, all of them looking utterly distraught to see her warily pull back as she has constantly done ever since they returned. Romanoff’s face crumples briefly, Rogers’ eyes filling with that perpetual regret he’s been carrying ever since they finally came back. Ugh, they’ve roped Barton in, too.

She’s grateful when Maria narrows her gaze on them all.

“I told you to stay out,” she says sternly. “She doesn’t need any more stress right now. Stay outside.”

As Maria shoos them away, Toni sinks back into her pillow, moaning in pain. Ugh, what a shitshow, she thinks, as she remembers the events, her body aching in pain around her as she shifts. Her head is already pounding, her thoughts reeling as she remembers all of the things she has to do now.

Something like a heavy tiredness sinks into her and Toni rubs a hand over her face in exhaustion, wishing she could have just slept forever. Why is she still alive?

“Fri?” Toni murmurs, after a while.

“I am here,” Friday says gently, brimming over her glowing arc reactor. The AI is now installed through the gauntlets and the arc reactor, so Friday won’t ever leave. Toni insists that it’s for Friday’s sake, but she knows it’s for her. “Always.”

“I’m sorry, Fri,” she whispers, her voice a hoarse half-sob.

“Please,” Friday says, her voice stern and soft at the same time, and _God_ , had Toni put that ripple of fear in her poor AI? “Please, boss, _please_. Please don’t do that to me. Don’t—don’t you ever—don’t do that to me again, please. You and me, you promised. You _promised_ —you promised you would not go.”

“I know,” Toni mumbles, heavily apologetic as she sighs. “I know, Fri. I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not,” Friday says, and the AI sounds heartbroken. “You’re not sorry, Toni. You wanted to fall. You _want_ to die.”

Oh, God.

It’s something to think about, but to have it said out loud gives her a slight shock to her senses. Some faint part of her is reeling, but Toni can’t deny this. Friday, her smart, clever AI, will know she’s lying, by now.

“I—,” she begins, when a nurse’s shadow curls over her.

Toni stops abruptly, her cheeks flushed as she straightens quickly. The nurse is smiling at her, reaching to check her vitals, as she makes sure Toni is okay.

“You’re doing okay?” she asks, as Toni nods. The nurse pauses before she leaves, her eyes bright. “You saved a lot of people today and everyone in here was happy to help you. I just—I want to say that you’re really brave, Ms Stark.”

Instead of lifting her up, the words only crush Toni. It’s easy to be brave when you have nothing left to lose, she thinks. When you want to die.

When Maria comes back in, Toni tries to assume a relatively normal expression. Friday’s managed to figure her out, but she’ll be damned if Maria discovers this, too. Her AI can’t leave her, but _Maria_ can.

“Ugh, what happened?” she moans, reaching a hand to rub her head. “I feel like someone put me through the blender.”

“Easy,” Maria says quickly, as Toni grows briefly dizzy, sinking back into the pillows. When she’s sure that Toni is relatively okay, her gaze narrows and her voice turns bitter. “You went tumbling through the sky in a tin can and you didn’t even have the courtesy to _call_ me. I have to find out through _Friday_ that you’re in the hospital, fighting for your damned life—,”

“It wasn’t that dramatic,” Toni says, attempting a grin. “Right, Fri?”

“No, boss. It was very dramatic,” Friday says. Her voice is soft. “You scared me.”

Toni’s smile drops promptly, her stomach sinking. Her gaze turns to Maria, who is staring at her.

“You scared us all. God, Toni,” she says tiredly, running a hand through her hair. “I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes.”

Toni stills.

Her throat is thick, her breaths are fraught with fear.

She doesn’t want to lose Maria, too. Pepper had said those exact words to her once, a year ago, and her words ring in her head at the worst times now. Because it’s _her_. The anomaly, the problem, in all these situations is always Toni Stark. Toni hadn’t been able to process her sadness for a week, had descended and spiralled heavily. Happy and Pepper, both of them, had just looked so _exhausted_ , as Maria does now.

Pepper had even run a hand through her hair, too, had taken Toni’s glass of whatever she’d been downing like water, had _thrown_ it against the wall in her anguish. She’d been sobbing to Toni, begging her to stop, but Toni is Toni. She doesn’t know when to stop.

When they finally left, Toni knows they’d had enough. They’d had enough of her.

She wonders if Maria has had enough, too.

Friday’s voice is protective and fierce, echoing from the gauntlets.

“Ms Hill, if you are experiencing concerns about your Stark Industries contract, I can redact it to make sure that your duties do not span to this,” she says quickly, and Toni wants to cry.

Friday doesn’t want her to be alone either.

“What?” Maria’s eyes are wide with confusion, as she frowns at Toni, her gaze dropping to the brimming gauntlets. “I didn’t… say anything about my contract.”

“I understand,” Friday says, polite and efficient. “But Ms Potts and Mr Hogan expressed those same sentiments a year ago. This was then followed up with their departure, a few months later. You will understand when I warn you that I don’t want boss to—,”

“Fri, it’s fine,” Toni says, her cheeks flushed, as she rubs her head tiredly. She lifts herself to her feet, swaying briefly, but reaches for her graphs, to see what’s happened to her. “Uh, Maria, it’s totally fine if you don’t want to deal with all this anymore. I can—,”

“ _Jesus_ , Toni,” Maria says breathlessly. “I didn’t mean—I—God, what the hell did Pepper say to you?”

“Her exact words were ‘I’ve had enough of you, Toni’,” Friday puts in, biting and callous.

“ _Friday_!” Toni exclaims, but the deed’s done.

Maria’s eyes widen as she swears viciously under her breath.

“I didn’t mean anything like Pepper,” Maria says tightly, through gritted teeth, her voice firm. “I’m not sick of you. I’m—just always worried about you, Toni. It was just me being stupid and rambling. You should hear what Legal and everyone else have been saying.”

Toni’s eyes widen, panic stealing her breaths. “Are they okay? I know a Stark Industries building got hit badly, but—,”

“They’re fine. You pulled them out in time,” Maria says. “They’re worried about you.” She rubs her temples and looks at Toni. “You—you were down for _hours_ , Toni. And—and, well. God, I haven’t had a scare like that since Siberia, that’s all. I was just running on coffee and freaking out and Ross was breathing down my neck again—,”

Oh, God, _Ross._

“It’s fine, Maria,” Toni says quickly. “I’ll take care of everything. You should sleep.”

She manages to bustle a protesting Maria out of the room, before she realises that Rogers is at the door. Toni turns and starts briefly, swallowing her gasp.

“God, Rogers, warn a girl,” she says, but keeps her distance.

Rogers’ face, of all times, is now completely impassive, his gaze lingering briefly on her, before he’s caught by her words. He turns his head, letting out a tentative breath.

“Are you okay?” he asks carefully.

“Peachy,” Toni says, her voice flippant as she reaches for her Starkphone.

The exhaustion settles into her bones already, as she scrolls through her phone. A few hours in the hospital and she’s got weeks’ worth of work piling up on her. Ross has to come first, she thinks, and her fingers tremble in fear.

“I know you’re avoiding me, Toni,” Rogers says, his voice soft. “I just—thank you for the shield. For all the weapons you gave us. I know that—I saw what you—,”

Toni’s cheeks flush a hot red of humiliation. He saw the destruction she laid to the shield, she realises with horror. The way she’d broken apart Romanoff’s Bites, Barton’s bows. Oh, God, hasn’t she been punished enough?

She clears her throat to speak quickly, awkward. “I didn’t do that. The United Nations gave them back to you.”

Friday’s voice is taut. “I understand that you wish to speak to boss, Captain Rogers, but if she does not reciprocate, I will be forced to alert security.”

She doesn’t deserve Friday, truly, Toni thinks. Something thick wells up in her throat as she swallows thickly, blinking away the sudden wetness.

“I understand,” Rogers says. He looks pleadingly at Toni, and _God_ , her heart. “Is it okay if I come in, Toni?”

“You’re going to apologise again, aren’t you?” Toni says, testing.

Rogers nods. “I’m sorry things got so far, that—Wanda’s sorry, Toni. She’s—she’s still learning to control her powers. She’s under a lot of pressure. But she’s deeply sorry for her actions. She never meant to hurt you.”

Toni waves it off. “I’ve had worse,” she mutters, reaching to grab her things.

Blinking at her, Rogers stares. “What?”

“Yeah, remember in Sokovia, when she made me think everyone I ever loved was dead and it was all my fault? That was _fun_.” Her attentions rest on her phone as she speaks, her voice careless. “It was fucking traumatising, actually, but it’s cool.” She shrugs, even letting out a small laugh, lifting her head to look at Rogers.

He looks stunned, for perhaps the first time since she’s known him. _Oh_ , Toni thinks. She never told Rogers. She never told anyone. What was the point?

_Big woman in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

They’d all gone through their own hallucinations to come out the other end perfectly fine, and besides, they never really thought that anything fazed her. Toni had been anxious to keep it that way, to keep the persona of the cool, perfect billionaire so they’d keep _her_. She couldn’t let them think she was breaking apart, so she was arrogant as ever. Rogers had never liked that persona though, and she’d hoped desperately that he might be the one to see through her.

But alas, the irritations of first impressions.

Toni’s never been able to break out of the mould the Avengers already put her in.

“What?” Rogers looks faintly horrified. “You… saw us all _die_?”

“Keep up, old man,” Toni mutters, rolling her eyes. She clears her throat. “Oh, and if Ross asks, Maximoff didn’t do anything to me.”

Rogers looks even more confused. “What?”

“It was a stray bullet, rhino, whatever. I’ll send you the memo later. I know it’s hard but at least _try_ to read the emails I send you once in a while,” she tells him. “But Maximoff didn’t even touch me, okay?”

“I don’t—I don’t understand—,”

Toni lets out a taut breath. “If the Secretary of State got wind that one of the team members of the Avengers might be slightly out of control, it’s enough grounds to have a formal investigation. A formal investigation leading to the discovery of actual assault? That’s a conviction. He’d break us up faster than the Beatles.”

Rogers is staring at her, before he breathes out, having connected the dots. He was always smart.

“We shouldn’t have to bow down to the Secretary of State, Toni,” he says, and Toni lets out a frustrated groan. “No. Please, listen to me. Clint told me that he’s been pressuring you, _threatening_ us. If we work together, we might be able—,”

“For fuck’s sake,” Toni hisses out angrily. “Don’t spout that shit at me _now_ , you hypocrite. Months ago, I _begged_ you to work together, I was on my fucking knees for you, just so we could kick Ross out together, but no, you had to start a war for Bucky Barnes, the one man who trumps all of one hundred and seventeen countries!” She’s breathing hard, glaring at him. “We could have taken Ross down ages ago, but now we’re going to have to work with what we’ve got, just so we can live. Do you understand that?”

“Yes,” Rogers says, as Toni lets out a taut breath of relief. “But—please let me tell the truth, Toni. I hurt you and I—you lied to the public about it _for_ me, to _save_ me. I don’t deserve this.”

Toni is silent.

She doesn’t like this. Neither does Friday, apparently.

“You did not just _hurt_ Toni,” she bites out, furious.

“Fri, don’t—,”

Rogers’ brows are furrowed. “Toni, I’m sorry for keeping what happened to your parents a secret,” he confesses, his voice heavy, and oh, God, they’re doing this now? “I genuinely thought it was for the best, something that you wouldn’t want to know, and now I see that it wasn’t.”

Her fury peaks.

“Don’t lie to me,” Toni snarls. “Don’t you stand there and _lie to my face_. You’d have told me about my parents if it was anyone else but Barnes. Admit it. This whole thing was never about me or the Accords or even Ross. If the Winter Soldier never killed my parents, you’d have happily told me which Hydra operative gave the order. You’d have even packaged it with some bullshit about my father and respecting the dead and I would have swallowed it like an idiot.”

“Toni, I’m _sorry_ —,”

“ _Wow_ , you want a medal?” Toni bites out furiously. “Captain America, making decisions for everyone once again like the arrogant, entitled asshole he is. I see what you’re doing. You’re _grovelling_. But I don’t have to forgive you. I don’t have to even listen to you, because you never gave a damn about me, not now, not _ever_. Not from the beginning, not since New York. You took one look at me, and thought I was everything _wrong_ with the twenty-first century, never trusted me, not really—,”

“Toni, I never thought that about you, ever—,”

“And my dad _loved_ you, Rogers!” she bursts. “Even if you didn’t give a shit about me, I thought you’d respect him enough to tell me the truth—,”

“I’m sorry I hurt you—,”

“Captain Rogers, you did not just hurt Toni, you _killed_ her!” Friday’s voice is a sharp, vehement thing and it cuts through the air around them.

“ _Friday_ ,” Toni says.

Rogers’ eyes are wide as he stares at her. “What?” he breathes. “But you’re—,”

Now that it’s out there finally, she may as well get rid of all of it. Like taking off a bandage.

“Yeah, funnily enough, when you shatter someone’s chest through a suit with a vibranium shield, they can’t really get up after that,” Toni says hoarsely. She breathes hard, trying not to cry. “You used my father’s shield to shatter my ribcage and left me, choking to my death in a frozen Hydra base, in Siberia. It took about two hours for my suit to completely shut down, ten minutes for the cold to come in. Ages for the hikers to find me.”

Rogers is staring, horrified.

“Toni—,”

“So you’ll see why I’m not so inclined to forgive you, Rogers,” Toni bites out. “Because while I was dying, so was _Rhodey_. I could—I could have saved him and instead I was stuck in fucking Siberia, for _you_ ,” she gasps out, her voice a rasping thing. “If I hadn’t gone after you two—I was _stupid_ , so stupid—I should have known—I—,” She’s breathing hard, hyperventilating as she speaks. But Toni gets a hold of herself. They don’t deserve to know about Rhodey. “While you were living it up in sunny Wakanda, I was in surgery and when I woke up, Vision was gone, everything was on fire, and the world was screaming for all of you and putting all the blame on me. And then, to top it all off, Pepper and Happy decided they’d had enough, too.”

“Toni—,”

“So, you left me the Avengers? How _generous_ of you. Romanoff stabbed me in the back for you, Vision left, Rhodey—,” Toni breaks herself off again, trying to breathe properly.

Rogers has his hands up, trying to calm her down. “Toni—,”

“So why don’t you just _finish_ the goddamn job, Rogers?” Toni snarls out. “I’m right here for you—you don’t even need a damn shield, one good punch will knock me out for good—,”

“Toni, please, stop talking like that—,”

“Toni, _please_!” Friday is distraught, and it stops Toni’s rant.

She’s breathing hard, her fingers fumbling over her chart, her heart thrumming like a hummingbird in her chest. As Rogers reaches for her, to steady her, Toni flinches back immediately, a flash of fear sparking up her chest as she thinks of shields and the freezing cold clinging over her skin. Rogers holds himself back quickly, an apology over his face.

“Captain Rogers, I would politely ask you to leave, but as I’ve fast run out of patience, I will give you _three seconds_ ,” Friday bites out.

“Fri, it’s fine,” Toni says quickly. “I’m fine. Rogers will be going.”

Rogers stares at her.

“Toni, I’ll fix this, I _swear_ ,” he says pleadingly, beseechingly. “You’re not alone and you can trust me, I swear it. We’ll be a family again—,”

“We were never a family,” Toni says tiredly. “Trust goes both ways and you won’t even believe me about Thanos.”

She leaves the hospital room, leaves Rogers and a stunned silence behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Friday's going out of her mind and Clint is starting to get really suspicious, now. Toni's terrified that Maria will leave her, too, but the people she wants to leave just keep coming back. 
> 
> Thanks for reading :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's comments on the last chapter have been so intuitive and so lovely that I'm honestly blushing. Thank you all so much for your kind words; I'm so flattered, I honestly don't deserve all this. I do apologise for making so many of you cry and late to your various appointments! I didn't think this fic would get the response it has and I'm honestly so grateful for every one of you and all of your beautiful words, especially in the middle of all my uni assignments. 
> 
> Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts ahead. 
> 
> Thank you :)

When she gets back to the Compound, Toni stumbles to the kitchen and throws up violently.

She had spent the rest of her day cleaning everything up with Ross, with the United Nations, with Stark Industries, before trying to sleep in Rhodey’s hospital room again. It’s only Friday’s worried concerns that had pulled her to go back to her own room in the Compound.

She’s remembered vague snatches of the hysterical fit she’d put everyone through and Toni cringes at the thought of it, utterly humiliated. Friday didn’t like to speak of it, but Toni had managed to wheedle the truth out of the AI, knowing that Friday’s personality was starting to evolve faster now. Toni’s donated millions to the poor doctors and nurses who had to suffer from her outburst, unable to look them in the eyes. Maria’s got a fancy new gift, too—one that she and Friday picked out together.

Friday’s voice is careful and quiet, very aware that the Compound is filled with sleeping Avengers.

“Boss?” she asks. “Boss, are you alright?”

Toni washes her face, splashes water onto her hot cheeks, and sinks down to the ground heavily. She leans against the wall, her legs splayed out, a deep, ragged exhaustion pulling at her. Her arc reactor is heavy in her chest, dragging her down, a cursed thing.

“Yeah, Fri, just—just give me a moment,” she murmurs, letting out a heavy breath.

“You’re not supposed to be on your feet,” Friday says sternly.

“I know, girl,” Toni mumbles, keeping her fingers on the arc reactor protectively.

It’s both her curse and salvation. Now Toni has to figure out a way to make sure it doesn’t stop again, long enough for her to protect the Earth from Thanos. Her gaze trails to the gauntlets wrapped tightly around her soulmark, and she gives a heavy sigh.

Ross almost hadn’t believed her when she’d insisted that it had been a stray attack that had sent her to the hospital. He’d tried to argue that there was confirmed reports of the Scarlet Witch losing control, and Toni’s gut had twisted in fury, in fear, in horror. But the UN had either gotten sick of him too, because the Avengers Initiative ambassadors had demanded he produce this proof and when Ross came up empty, the relief that had overwhelmed her was enough to have her fainting again.

Needless to say, she’s exhausted.

“Friday?”

“Yes, boss?”

“I don’t really wanna move,” she confesses, her voice small as it cracks slightly.

“Do you want me to call for someone—,” Friday begins, before she stops herself.

Toni starts to chuckle dryly to herself, her laughter turning into small sobs. “I don’t think there’s anyone left to call, girl,” she says.

They have to be even more careful with Maria now. The slightest thing could make her leave, too. She lets out another taut, long breath, tilting her head back to close her eyes.

“Hey, Fri?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Can you fill Ross’ email with spam for me, please? A couple of Nigerian princes and hot babes near his area should make me feel better,” she says, sending Friday a brief, dazzling grin.

“With pleasure.”

Her smile falls as she breathes out again. “Have no idea why I’m here. We can only fool the media for so long. They’re not listening to me and I’m not even a proper Avenger.”

_Big woman, in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

“While I am distasteful of the Avengers, I believe that your title as Earth’s Mightiest Defender, boss, is well-deserved,” Friday says, loyal as ever.

Toni’s heart softens, aches for her. She leans back, catches a brief sigh between her teeth, and when she speaks, her voice is gentle.

“You’re too good to me, Fri,” she tells her softly, her voice raspy with affection. “I really don’t deserve you.”

Friday is quiet for a bit. “We deserve each other, boss,” she says, and Toni’s mouth drops open. But before she can speak, Friday says, a slight protective tautness in her voice, “You’re not alone, boss.”

Toni clumsily stumbles to her feet, already activating the gauntlets as she protects her arms. She straightens immediately, defensiveness written in the line of her shoulders, as she keeps her distance, careful, eyeing the quick exit points. She forces herself to breathe, her suit rippling under her gauntlet and glowing in her arc reactor, a light brush of protection, a reminder that she isn’t in Siberia, isn’t choking on her own blood.

Friday shines a light on the individual.

It’s Barnes.

“You’re home,” Barnes says, his posture as relaxed and nonthreatening as he can make it. “Could you, uh, could you turn the light off?”

“Friday,” Toni says, but she eyes the staircase that will lead her back to the workshop, wonders how long it will take her to get there.

But when Friday switches off the light, flooding the place in soft luminescence, Toni forces herself to relax. She’s been meaning to talk to Barnes for a while, may as well do it now.

She moves slowly towards the kitchen instead of the workshop, reaching to make herself a cup of coffee. When she pulls out two mugs, she sees Barnes stiffen briefly, but he doesn’t say a word when she slides the steaming mug of coffee across the counter. Toni tips her head towards the Winter Soldier.

“Thanks,” he gets out, his voice gruff. Barnes is eyeing her carefully, his gaze lingering briefly on the hidden soulmark at her wrist. “You’re okay, now?”

She shrugs. “As much as I can be.” Toni jerks her head, her gaze lingering on his metal arm which glints. “How’s the arm?” Is it giving you any trouble, still?”

Barnes’ gaze still lingers on the cup of steaming coffee, but his face is impassive, as ever. Toni can feel Friday behind her, protective and fierce, ready to defend her should the Winter Soldier rear his head and finish the job Hydra sent him to do when he went after the Starks the first time. Toni wonders what it means of her when she thinks she might not move if he attacks.

“No,” Barnes says finally, his voice hoarse and rasping. “It—it’s good. The Soldier likes it, too.”

Toni’s brows arch in surprise. Truth be told, she’s a little flattered. It’s been a while since someone praised her craft.

“I aim to please,” she says, taking a little bow. Toni points towards her workshop. “You, uh, you wanna see some more models?

Barnes’ jaw drops. “You made _more_? This one already has fifteen knives in it.”

“That’s nothing,” Toni says. “You should see the one with the rocket launcher.”

.

.

“Can I be honest with you?” Toni says, picking up her mug of coffee as she saunters to the desk.

She can feel Barnes’ gaze linger on her, staring after her, all dark eyes and hooded gaze. The night has sunken so fast that dawn light is beginning to linger on the edge of the world, soft tendrils of pinks and light reds curling against the skies and kissing the wisps of cloud into colour.

Barnes nods slowly, eyeing her warily. There’s something strange in the light of his eyes. It’s not fear, it’s more like… examination. He watches a lot, she knows. He doesn’t say much, but there’s a lot that goes on in his head, Toni thinks to herself.

“When you turned up, I thought for sure that you were here to get the collection, Winter Boo Boo,” Toni says, the nickname slipping out with careless abandon. “Here. How does this one feel?”

It’s been a long time since she’s given someone a nickname. She’d forgotten how fun it had been. Barnes blinks slowly. He looks like he doesn’t know what to address first: the so-called collection, the nickname, or the massive gun she’s handing him.

“Collection?” Barnes says eventually, confusion lingering in his tone.

“Yeah,” Toni says distractedly, her voice muffled as she fiddles with the gun. “You got my mom and dad. May as well complete the set and get me, too.”

For a long moment, silence brims in the air around them.

Toni can practically feel Friday’s apprehension, knows that if she survives this, Friday will likely kill her. Actively encouraging the Winter Soldier to kill her isn’t one of her best decisions, but Toni won’t take it back. Usually, Pepper or Rhodey would tell her what a bad idea this is, but nobody’s here now. She doesn’t have anyone to pull her back from her bad decisions now.

Barnes lifts his head to look at her. He pauses before he speaks.

“What is it that you want from me?”

Toni blinks, swallows her surprise quickly. She’s not completely surprised that Barnes has managed to catch up to her game; he always looks like he’s got more brewing under the surface. Testing the Soldier by encouraging him to come out and play seems to have gotten nothing but Barnes’ suspicion spiking.

So, Toni feigns innocence.

“Huh?”

“Letting me into your workshop to make me feel like you’ve welcomed me in? Giving me things? The first time I saw you, you left yourself intentionally vulnerable and gave me a weapon that I could immediately use against you,” Barnes says. He looks at her carefully, his confusion pulling his brows together. “What’s your angle?”

Something reckless rises within Toni, her heart pounding.

“Maybe I just want you to finish the job,” she says, a crooked smile pressed against the corner of her lips. She shrugs. “There’s an empty grave in the Stark plot. It’s got my name on it already. Your job’s half done already.”

Friday’s voice breaks out around them, a taut determination laced into her tone. “Touch her, Sergeant Barnes, and I’ll put so many holes in you that they won’t find enough of you to put into your coffin.”

“ _Friday!”_ Toni is cut with shock, her eyes wide. She lets out a quick, shaky laugh, fingers brushing against the desk where Friday bristles still. “She’s a little… temperamental.”

But Barnes’ face is impassive, as ever.

“That’s still not it,” he says. “What do you want from me?”

Toni lets out a breath, something heavy and aching in her chest.

“I want to give you a choice,” she confesses, wetting her lips. “I imagine you’ve not had many of those, lately."

Barnes blinks. “A choice?”

Taking a step back, Toni reaches for the Starkpad, throws up dozens of screens up around them. The workshop is billowed in a soft blue light, humming with machinery, as faces and information cover the place. Toni turns back to look at Barnes, who is staring at the screens, something like recognition flickering through his face.

“The Winter Soldier had over two dozen kills, in the last fifty years. That’s what Romanoff said,” Toni says, keeping an eye on the soldier. “I went back, did a bit of researching. It’s a little more than that.”

Barnes’ face is torn with anguish, something like brief horror clinging to his features, before he breathes hard. He’s staring briefly at the faces of his victims, their families, and an apology lingers in Toni’s mouth for the barest moment. Toni watches his fist clench slightly before he turns back to her, his gaze filled with hard confusion.

“Did you want to throw this in my face?” he asks, his voice hoarse. “I don’t understand—,”

“Most of them were ambassadors, government officials,” Toni continues. She lifts her head to look at him steadily. “You didn’t kill King T’Chaka. But you’ve killed before. The families of your victims deserve respite, justice.”

Barnes looks at her, something shifting into place. “ _You_ want justice,” he says eventually.

When he tenses, Friday sends up a brief shatter of terrified sparks around her, but Toni doesn’t so much as flinch. She holds his gaze firmly, knowing what he’s thinking. He thinks that she’s being selfish, she guesses, as everyone is always convinced Toni Stark will always be. That, even in the depth of such horrors, she’ll be so terrible to make this all about herself.

“You orphaned me, so you think that I want to make this all about me,” she says, her voice soft. She shakes her head. “No. It might seem that way, I know. But I do know how to think of people other than myself.”

Barnes watches her. “What do you want me to do?”

“Deliver a formal apology to the people. Undergo a military tribunal so you can legally and officially be found innocent of the crimes Hydra forced you to commit. Reintegrate yourself into society. The United Nations only let you into the Avengers because I begged—and the US government still love Rogers. But that doesn’t mean the public doesn’t deserve to know you, too,” Toni says, perhaps too fast. It’s obvious that she’s been working over this for too long, she thinks, but she continues. “Mind control’s tough to prove in court, but I’ve got mounds of evidence, tapes, testimonies. And your mental state is relatively alright now, thanks to Wakanda. You’ll walk free—should you undertake it.” She pauses, Barnes staring at her. Toni’s voice is quiet when she continues. “And… well. You don’t have to be an Avenger.”

Barnes stiffens at that.

“You’re the first one to say that to me,” he says, after a while. He continues to stare at her, his gaze inscrutable. “You’d offer me and the Soldier a clean conscience, just like that?”

“I’m offering the families of your victims justice,” Toni corrects. “Like they _deserve_.”

There’s something strange within Barnes’ face. He blinks fast, something shifting in his features, and suddenly straightens, his back stiff. His head turns sharp to face her, the slackness going out of his entire body, and Toni’s own body reacts accordingly, stiffening slightly.

The Soldier steps out, eyes Toni with something like fascination.

“You wanted to see me,” he says, robotic.

Toni clears her throat. “I didn’t think I’d get so lucky,” she says. “Dissociative Identity Disorder, right? Does—Barnes know?”

“He’s not present, but he understands that you were hoping to speak to me when you brought me down here. I was tired of you playing games,” the Soldier says. “He and I trust each other now. He will know our conversation when I relay it back to him through my memories.”

The Soldier watches her in a way that Barnes never does. His gaze fixates like she’s a fox in a trap, a predator watching his prey. It unnerves Toni, so she reacts to problems the way she always does: a restless stream of conversation.

“That sounds _exhausting_ ,” she comments, clearing away the screens before them. “So—,”

“No. Leave them up.”

The Soldier turns his gaze to the faces on the screens, his features shifting slightly. There are several nuances in his face, making him look like Barnes and not-Barnes at the same time. His face is perfectly still, but for the slight crook in his mouth, the tilt of his eyebrows as he scans the pictures before him, his eyes completely expressionless.

That’s how Toni knows it’s not Barnes. Even when Barnes looks completely impassive, his eyes are always alive. But the Soldier hides everything away.

His eyes linger on a picture of a small girl, his brows furrowing very slightly.

“I _remember_ her,” the Soldier says uncertainly, his voice wondering. “Her father was a government official. He was reading stories to her. She did not want to sleep—she was… singing. I heard the song, I remember.” His forehead creases in thought as he struggles to remember. The Soldier’s gaze turns distant. “She told him to repeat the story. She—was crying. They told me, no witnesses. They told me to put a bullet in his head. But I—,” He breaks off and frowns. “She is still _alive_. How is she still alive?”

Toni clears her throat gently. “You told her to hide,” she says. “She gave her statement to a piece in the New Yorker.” She swipes up the article as the Soldier reads.

“I... made her close her eyes?” he says, his voice tinged with confusion. His face clears suddenly, his gaze turning to Toni. “No witnesses.”

Her lips quirk up. “Smartypants, finding loopholes even in impossible situations,” Toni says, impressed as the Soldier flushes, embarrassed. “That was _you_ , not Barnes.” She pulls up more articles. “When the truth of Hydra came out and Romanoff decided to go public with everything, people found out about you. There’s more stories of you fighting Hydra every time they tried to make you kill. People you managed to save, people who remember you.”

The Soldier is staring at her, startled.

“Do you… still want me to leave them up?” Toni asks.

He nods slowly.

“Okay, then,” Toni says, waving a hand. She can feel Friday’s apprehension thrumming away in the room, as she sticks out a hand towards the Soldier. “We’ve never met. I’m Toni Stark.”

The Soldier drops his gaze to her hand.

“I have no other name but the Soldier,” he tells her, but he takes her hand. Not the metal hand, but the one he used to kill her mother. Toni swallows thickly, tries not to throw up. The Soldier’s gaze casts over her before he takes a step back, dropping her hand. “I apologise. I understand that my presence can be …overwhelming.”

“Because you killed my mom,” Toni says quietly, before she can stop herself.

“Yes.”

There is no hesitance like Barnes, no awkward shuffling of his steps. The Soldier simply looks her in the eye and speaks honestly, clearly. She wonders if that’s how he used to talk to his handlers.

“I have killed a lot of people. You are right,” he continues. “I—I did not want to. He was hurting, so I came to protect him.” His gaze lingers on the faces around him, turning slightly mournful. “He does not remember the worst of it. I protect him from a lot, but I remember everything.” The Soldier pauses on the face of a small girl, his fingers shaking slightly. “They are my penance, like you say.”

“They don’t have to be,” Toni says. “You don’t have to be a ghost in the world now. Hiding away in the Compound isn’t going to bring any of them back or make any of it better.” She waves a hand around the people. “Accept the consequences they personally give you.”

The Soldier turns his head. “And what consequence would _you_ give me?”

“What?”

“You knew I existed. That in itself was… nice,” the Soldier says. “But then, you let me in here. You have delivered me things that I am not worthy of. You gave us another arm. It is very beautiful. These are not consequences of my actions. These are… gifts. Things I do not deserve.”

“Maybe you deserve them, maybe you don’t,” Toni says. “It’s not my place. It’s the place of a judge, a jury. The people. The public.”

“Like the public judged you,” the Soldier says. Toni freezes. He stares at her, his gaze lit with fascination. “We like reading about you. But while he trusts you, I am… cautious. They say that you’ve got a higher body count than all of Hydra. Than even me. Does that make you better or worse than Alexander Pierce?”

Toni’s stomach drops, as she stills.

How many times will her past come back to haunt her? How long will her past actions strangle her throat, leave her choking in the dirt for a hopeful future?

“I don’t—I don’t do that anymore,” she manages to get out.

“Neither do I,” he says. Something like understanding flashes through his gaze as he changes the subject for her sake, as the Soldier watches her. “You think that we should not be Avengers. That we should not fight.”

“No, I didn’t say that,” Toni says.

“Then?”

“I said that you deserve a _choice_ ,” she corrects. When he continues to stare at her, Toni clarifies quickly. “Do you want to be an Avenger? Do you want to be a civilian? Do you want apples? Or do you want plums?”

The Soldier’s lip quirks in brief amusement, but he is looking thoughtful.

“I have not thought of a life other than the daily survival,” he confesses. “I fight. My purpose is to protect him, to fight. That is what I do, that is what I am known for. The King of Wakanda helped him, but he did not help me.” He stares at Toni. “I think you could help me.”

“You think I can help?”

“I think you can do anything.”

His words deliver a pleasant shock to her, as Toni stares at him. There’s a taut thread of reverence in his voice that seems to intensify when he looks at her, as though she’s the most interesting person in his world.

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“I have not appeared to anyone else, not even the Captain. I trust _you_.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Toni promptly corrects. “I don’t know what you want from me, though. You know what I’ve advised for you.”

“That we should give ourselves up,” the Soldier says, humming a little. He’s slowly growing more comfortable in the workshop, his figure relaxing very slightly. But when he looks at her, his face is still. “There would be no purpose for me anymore if I did not fight. I do not want to go.”

 _Oh_ , Toni thinks, her heart aching.

She stares at the Soldier, who is stiff-backed and emotionless as ever but for his love for Barnes. He came to protect Barnes, to save him from what Hydra did to him, and he _loves_ Barnes.

He’s scared, she realises. He doesn’t want to leave Barnes.

Her voice is softer than she thought possible, as she leans forward earnestly. “Your only purpose isn’t to fight,” Toni tells him. “That’s what Hydra _made_ you do. You said it yourself. You protect him.”

The Soldier looks back at her and though he doesn’t move an inch, something flickers through his face quickly. When he speaks, his voice is quiet but filled with something like appreciation.

“It is a tempting idea,” he tells her. “He will think it over and agree with you, but only after a few days. He is a very slow thinker.”

Toni snickers slightly at the joke before she lets out a breath. “So that’s all I wanted to say,” she tells him. “Is this all okay? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Is—is there anything else that I can help you with?”

The Soldier stares at her. “Don’t do that,” he says softly. “Don’t be kind.”

“Trust me, nobody would call me kind,” Toni tells him, rubbing her forehead.

“I would,” Friday pipes up.

A soft surge of warmth envelopes her chest as Toni brushes her fingers against the desk, as Friday sends her a ripple of lights back. The Soldier is still staring at her.

“It’s… late,” she says. “You, uh, tired?”

“One last question.”

“Shoot.”

“I—,”

“Not literally.”

“I understand American colloquialisms,” the Soldier says, some notes of exasperation in his voice. But he continues, his face softening. “He sees you. He—was you. On the Triskelion.”

“I don’t understand—,”

“He wanted the Captain to kill us,” he says, continuing on. “You wanted the Captain to kill you. No. You want someone, anyone, to kill you.” He lifts the metal arm she gave him, the light gleaming against the silver. "That's why you gave us this." The Soldier eyes her. "I will not lay a hand on you again. I will protect you. I will not let anyone kill you."

Oh, dear God—

But the Soldier is blinking slightly, shifting a little. He leaves his words lingering in the air around him, leaves Toni choking slightly on the shock, as Barnes lifts his head. God, how she envies him. He, at the very least, has someone to blame. Toni is stuck with herself.

“He spoke to you,” Barnes says, looking vaguely surprised. His gaze flickers briefly around the room, where the screens are still wavering lightly, and Barnes swallows thickly. “Are you alright?”

“Nothing I haven’t dealt with before,” Toni lies smoothly, as she clears away the screens quickly. She gathers herself as fast as she can, her heart hammering in her chest, and swallows thickly. “If you want to check up with me, then I’m always here. If you don’t, then that’s fine, too, I guess.”

“Why are you doing this for me?” Barnes asks. “I don’t deserve any of it.”

Toni blinks. “You’re innocent. They made you—,”

But Barnes is shaking his head. “My being innocent has nothing to do with you letting us in your home, giving me an arm,” he says. “Saving us all.”

He’s staring at her in that scrutinising way again, so Toni just gives another sigh.

“Thanos,” she confesses, and like a sign, her soulmark flares. “I need everyone on board. It’s not about me or you or Steve or anyone anymore. We’re in the endgame now.”

Barnes is staring at her and as he shifts, she catches flickers of the Soldier through his eyes, the slight catch of his mouth, the quiet shuffle of his feet, the straightening of his shoulders. He clears his throat to speak.

“I think this endgame you’re talking about? This Thanos coming for us? It might not be about Steve or me or the others, but I think it’s about you,” he confesses. “And I think you’re going to be one to save us all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the Soldier was fun to write, which I never thought I'd be saying. This chapter has a lot of conflicting and serious parts in it, I understand. I've given Bucky DID because I feel like it's a way to explore the Soldier and what Hydra did to him. We also finally find out why Toni really gave the arm to Bucky: partly her guilt, partly a manifestation of her suicidal tendencies. I feel bad that I doubled poor Bucky's kill count, but I wanted to explore the position of the Winter Soldier now. 
> 
> T'Challa said, "Let them come," and personally, I thought that was awful; his father didn't die, but Toni's parents did. How many people have suffered because of the Winter Soldier's actions? It was Hydra, yes, but that doesn't mean he still didn't do it and that the families of his victims didn't still suffer - it would be more gracious, in my opinion, to have Bucky found officially innocent, for the sake of the public. I hope I conveyed that well enough and as responsibly as I could :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this story and I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I know it's been a whirlwind of emotions and I have to be honest, it's gonna get worse for Toni, but like I keep saying like a broken record lol, though it doesn't seem like it, there is a happy ending for Toni. :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so first of all, I am really sorry for not replying to the comments faster. My laptop literally broke down on me and I almost lost everything. Was I more concerned about losing this story than my uni assignments? (Yes.) But things in my personal life are going a little bit haywire, so I do apologise if this chapter seems less tighter than the others. 
> 
> Also, I've realised that I forgot to tell people that I upload on Sundays (though, most of the time, I'm cutting it real close). To be honest, I never really thought this story would get the reception it has and I'm so grateful for everyone and all of your lovely comments. Also, Oky_Verlo wrote a fic as a response to this one and it's an utterly glorious read. Her words are amazing and she writes so much better than me and you should all read it, because it's utterly beautiful. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading :D

Maria enters the workshop at an obscene time in the morning.

“Ross is a prick!” she exclaims angrily, before realising that Toni’s not there. “Uh. Toni?”

Friday answers for her, the AI’s voice ringing out rather snippy. “Boss has gone to make more coffee, against my advice and her better judgement.”

Maria frowns. “Hi Friday,” she says. “Hasn’t Toni slept? At all?”

The AI takes her time in answering, but Maria already knows her answer, as she takes a few steps in the workshop. The place is still humming with energy, the screens around her flickering. Toni’s been working on more about Thanos, she realises, before stopping herself from looking.

It’s not her place, Maria reminds herself. She knows all too well how protective people get about their things, having worked in SHIELD with Nick Fury. Who is she, to violate Toni’s privacy?

“She has not slept for over twenty-four hours, Ms Hill. Good morning to you, too,” Friday says. When she continues, there’s a lingering uncertainty bordering her tone, something that Maria wouldn’t have thought was possible for an AI, but Toni breaks the impossible for breakfast. “Boss is undergoing a severe amount of emotional stress at the moment, Ms Hill. I—I understand that you do not personally want to trouble yourself with this. But if—if you could please convince her to eat the food that I have ordered for her, I would be very grateful.”

Faltering a little, Maria’s mouth opens in quiet shock. How bad are things that _Friday_ has to be the one to tell Toni to remember to eat? Friday is unwilling to talk to her about it, Maria thinks, wondering why as curiosity surges within her.

Friday takes her silence as a rejection. “No more cold showers,” the AI adds quickly. “I swear it.”

Maria finds her voice, fast. “No, no—that’s not it,” she gets out quickly. “I just—I don’t understand, Friday. Why isn’t Steve or Natasha or any of the others helping Toni?”

“No,” Friday snaps, a note of finality in her voice. “There—there isn’t anyone else.” When Toni enters again, Friday speaks quickly. “Please, Ms Hill. Just forget everything I asked of you. I will not ask again.”

“No, Friday, it’s—,”

“Maria?” Toni blinks at her, beams giddily. “What are you doing here?”

In a flash, Maria remembers why she’s here in the first place, her head reeling. She rubs her forehead tiredly, her eyes flickering briefly to the steaming cup of coffee in Toni’s fingers and the discarded box of takeout lying on the counter, untouched.

“Ross,” she says by way of answer. “Hey, you eaten yet, Toni?”

As they get to work, Maria opens the box of takeout and plates it up. Toni manages to eat a little and Maria’s pleasantly surprised to see a grateful brush of sparks sent her way by Friday.

Toni is beside her, sleep-deprived and filled with coffee, working fast on the new amendments Ross has proposed to the United Nations. They’ve been working without stopping, thanks to Ross, the _asshole_.

The Secretary of State now wants the US government to have full access to all things Avengers, as the Avengers now live on US soil, before anyone else. Toni wonders out loud briefly whether she ought to just sit back on this one and watch him try to convince the UK, Russia, and China to get on board. The ensuing fight would be better than late-night TV, especially with Friday’s new penchant for roasting.

Maria confesses she’s highly interested in seeing that, too, and the grin that breaks out across Toni’s face is blinding.

“Hey, is this an arm?” she asks, blinking at the metal thing.

“Stuff for Barnes,” Toni says. “He can kill me faster.”

Friday’s voice is exasperated, mingling with Maria’s own warning as they both say, “ _Toni_ ,” at the same time.

Toni looks torn between laughter and confusion, before she argues, “Hey, it _would_ make your life easier for once.”

“If you died, Rumlow would never be able to make Employee of the Month three months in a row, and I’d be sick of him I’d find a way into the afterlife and drag you back myself.”

“And I would help,” Friday pipes up happily.

“Why are you teaching my girl such bad lessons?" Toni scolds.

"You're the one trying to be a sacrificial lamb, Toni," Maria mutters, as she reaches to rummage through more papers. She lifts her head up to shoot Toni a small smile, one that Toni returns uncertainly. “You should know by now that Toni Stark doesn’t die easy.”

.

.

“Secretary _Ross_?” Christine’s eyes brighten. “Do you have any solid proof? Evidence? I need hard stuff, Toni.”

“You’re just going to agree—just like that?” Toni blinks, startled.

“Hey, the opportunity to take down a corrupt, old white politician?” The reporter grins at her. “Sign me _up_.”

Toni is still a little startled.

They’re in her workshop, a place that Christine had stared in awe at, in a way that made Toni feel warm again. Like her work was worth something. The reporter had been so spellbound with interest that she spent half an hour asking questions about every little thing in the place that interested her. It was a pleasant shock to the senses that someone liked what she’d done.

When DUM-e had served Christine warm tea without even a drop of engine oil—Toni was very proud—, the reporter’s jaw had dropped in delight. Toni’s very aware that Christine knows what lies under her gauntlets and she’s also very aware that the reporter hasn’t said a word about it. Her gratitude and esteem of Christine goes up higher than ever before.

Biting down her worry and concerns, Toni rummages over her desk. “This is dangerous,” she says. “Ross isn’t—isn’t some idiot or a mafia guy. I know you can handle yourself, Christine, but he’s a dangerous guy.”

Christine looks at her, the serious reporter falling into place, and nods. “I know,” she says. “But it’s _important_. If half of what you’ve said is true, then Ross should have been rotting in jail years back.”

“It’s all true,” Toni insists, as her fingers fumble over the desk to snatch up a few items. “Just—promise me you’ll be careful. And don’t go after him alone.” She takes a deep breath, presses the small belt into Christine’s palm. “Here.”

“Thanks?” Christine says, blinking. She shakes her head a little, her blonde hair slipping past her shoulders. “It’s a great belt, Toni, but I can’t accept—,”

“It’s not just a belt,” Toni tells her. “The minute you think something’s wrong, you take this button, this one, right here? See it? Press it once, it’ll call emergency services immediately, and me. Twice, it’ll turn itself into a gun, and it’ll call me. Three times, you’ll get a car, piloted by Friday, with whatever you need, papers, passport, a suit of your own, and it’ll call me.”

The reporter is staring at her, eyes wide. Toni’s fingers are still shaking a little, so she pretends to shuffle some papers to keep herself busy, but she can’t avoid the stare that Christine is putting her under. What if Christine says no? This is a dangerous task—having an investigative journalist go after one of the most powerful men in the US. Especially with how Ross has been sniffing around—one wrong turn and Christine could be in trouble, too.

“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea,” Toni says, trying to backtrack as she reaches forward to take the belt back. “Ross is dangerous—,”

“So are we,” Christine says fiercely, staring back at her. “Even if you didn’t ask it of me, I would have found out about Ross anyway, Toni. You know that. I’m—I’m grateful that you called me. And thank you so much for this. The belt is—amazing, Toni. Would have been really handy during my stint in Afghanistan.” She gives a small, grateful smile. “He’s dangerous, yeah, but I’m willing to do it.”

Her heart hammers in her chest, a thrumming beat of gratefulness, relief, and sheer terror at the same time. Toni swallows thickly and nods to Christine, worry climbing up her throat. Another person she has to look after, another person who’s gotten too close now.

“Plus, Friday’s linked to it, too, but you can deactivate her, if you want. She won’t be mad, I promise,” Toni adds, trying for a grin, as Christine eyes the belt curiously. “Thank you, Christine.”

The reporter nods at her, something fierce in her eyes. She lets out a breath, her gaze raking the room once more. “So… Toni, I wanted to ask.”

“Yeah?”

For a moment, Toni thinks Christine might ask after the soulmark again, her eyes flitting down to the gleaming gauntlets. But the reporter’s gaze is slightly thoughtful, her brows furrowed.

“Is Ms Potts really gone?” Christine asks. “Like, she won’t be coming back?”

Toni blinks. She hadn’t expected that.

“Um. Yeah,” she says. “Pep—Ms Potts gave her resignation. She hasn’t—hasn’t said anything about coming back.”

Christine gives a genuine breath of relief. “Thank _God_ ,” she says. “Now I can say what a total bitch she was.”

Toni’s eyes widen as a small splutter of disbelief crawls up her throat. But the reporter is completely serious, to her surprise. Something like defensiveness rises within Toni—she should defend Pepper, she thinks mutely.

But Christine is continuing. “Sorry,” she says. “I know that she was your friend, but she was really rude.”

“What?”

“To all of us at the press conferences. All her snide comments. Snarky shit she’d say that rubbed us all the wrong way. The way she was just always unimpressed with everything,” Christine explains. “She called me trash once.”

Disbelief rocks through Toni as she straightens, her eyes wide. “ _What_?”

“And she was really rude to you, too,” Christine adds, her voice distant. “Petra says that she treated you like you were something to take care of. A chore. I remember one time I was trying to interview you about something. Some new design or something. You were really excited about it, and you wanted to tell her, too.”

Toni is frowning. “When?”

There’s been so many times when she’s talked to Pepper about her projects, about her ideas. Christine shrugs, not knowing when.

“She shot you down faster than a bullet,” Christine says. “I actually felt bad for you.”

And most of those times, Toni realises slowly, she was always shot down. If it was anything to do with the suits, Pepper would give her that Look. Anything outside of the company, Pepper didn’t like it. Toni always thought it was because Pepper cared so much, but she never thought it was _rude_.

“You poor thing,” Toni manages to say, even summoning up a quick, teasing smile that Christine returns.

Maybe it _was_ rude.

“I know it’s not my place,” Christine tells her, “but I think you’re better off, Toni.” The reporter lets out a breath, turning her gaze away. “We all need people who are _kind_ to us.” She falters slightly, and her eyes soften briefly. “Oh, and Toni.”

“Yeah?”

Christine hesitates and when she speaks again, her voice is very soft. “People—people are going to find out about Colonel Rhodes soon,” she says. Though she speaks gently, her words pierce Toni through her heart. “He’s a high profile figure, Toni. People are going to want to know.”

“Not—not yet,” Toni mumbles, ducking her head.

Rhodes doesn’t have anyone but her, and when he wakes, she’s terrified that he won’t want her either. The press are vultures and she wants to keep Rhodey to herself for as long as possible. She’s been working harder on his leg braces, having watched the cameras in his suit over and over again until Friday broke in desperately, and Toni found that she was pointing a knife to her soulmark once more.

“How _much_ longer, Toni?” Christine asks. When Toni doesn’t answer, she gives a small sigh, brushes her fingers in a goodbye to Friday. “Okay. Sorry if I—overstepped. I’m going to go, Toni.”

“Thanks, Christine, for answering,” Toni says, lifting her head. “Night.”

“Night, Toni.” Christine hesitates where she stands, seeming to make an internal decision. Her voice is impossibly gentle when she speaks again. “I know that things have been hard for you. I can’t imagine it, truly. But it’s okay to—to talk to someone, _anyone_. You might find that people care a lot more than you think.”

.

.

“They’re, uh, doing that thing again,” Rumlow says.

Toni’s head snaps up from their work, her brows furrowing in confusion. “Huh?”

Rumlow gestures to her gauntlets.

Toni’s gaze lowers before she swears snappishly under her breath, hissing back in annoyance. Blood seeps from the brimming metal gauntlet, sinking into the papers and the gleaming steel of the desk they’re both working diligently on. What started as a few drops now turns into a blood fountain and Friday’s voice echoes softly, alerting her. Toni’s rather surprised that Rumlow managed to catch it before Friday did, nodding towards him as she reaches to push the button to bandage up the wounds under her gauntlet again.

The pain is something she’s used to by now, as Toni continues her work.

It’s the late parts of the dark evening, where deep black washes against the soft blue of the skies, the moments where she’s supposed to be back in the Compound, but she can’t bring herself to go back just yet, not wanting to see their faces, to hear Jarvis and to see Vision. So, Toni spends her time, putting together information and defence systems with Rumlow, who’s surprisingly good company. 

His gaze lingers on the gauntlets, even now. “Why’d you keep bleeding?”

Toni’s rather grateful for his bluntness. It’s a refreshing change from the faux-concern the Avengers keep showing her, from the way Romanoff’s face twists in worry, the way Rogers holds himself back when he sees her flinching, the way Barton tries to talk to her again. Their guilt is dripping, drenching the entire Compound, but in truth, she just doesn’t care for it.

Let them drown in the consequences of their own actions.

She has a world to protect.

“Got hurt bad on a mission once,” Toni lies smoothly. “It refuses to heal.”

Rumlow doesn’t look like he believes her, but thankfully doesn’t push it. “So, this Nova Xandar thing—,”

“Nova Corps,” Toni corrects automatically, pushing back a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “They’re like… galactic police, I think. Xandar is another planet.”

“And you know this, how?”

Toni avoids his gaze, turns her head back to the notes she’s made on the infinity stones. There’s only the mind stone accounted for, much to her chagrin, while the rest of them have just loud question marks next to them. It’s only because of Thor that she even knows there are six of these rocks, that Thanos is searching them out.

“Thor,” she says. “Last time he was here, we, uh, talked.”

“Talked?”

Rumlow’s voice is spiked with suspicion. For a moment, Toni thinks of a god charging across the room to grab her neck, his cape streaming from behind him, armour and gold gleaming across her vision. Her breaths almost stop, but she holds herself taut, stopping herself just in time from protecting her neck once more.

“Fine,” Toni mutters. She lifts her head. “When Maximoff infected my head, she made me take Loki’s sceptre. I ran all sorts of tests and experiments on it.”

This isn’t news and she can see the way Rumlow’s brows furrow together. His gaze rakes over the hundreds of papers and notes that Toni’s managed to accumulate, his suspicion dripping off him. Before he speaks again, Toni’s wariness ripples under her skin, brimming within her as she tries not to look defensive. It’s a reflexive ability now, to defend her decisions and convince people to trust in her again.

This is why she works better alone.

Most people just make her uncomfortable, because they just don’t understand her or the way she works. They only understand the pieces of herself that she lets bleed out, for whatever purpose she might have. Investors, stockbrokers, board members of Stark Industries will see responsible Toni. The public will see brave Iron Woman. The Avengers see a walking bank account, she thinks drily.

But when Rumlow speaks, his voice isn’t accusatory.

“Is that all you did?” he asks, looking curious. “I know you’re you, but you can’t have gotten all this information just from a few tests. You talked about the infinity stones last time, and you said you didn’t have much information on them before.”

For a moment, a slight slip of pleasant surprise bubbles warmly in Toni’s chest. It’s a bit of a backhanded compliment, but it’s also the clearest honesty that she’s received from someone around her in a long time. Rumlow’s trust in her is surprising, but it’s clear to see on his face.

He trusts that she knows what she’s doing. How rare.

It’s the reason why she opts to tell him the truth. Toni clears her throat awkwardly, before ducking her head.

“I also stole some of Thor’s official Asgardian books and documents,” she offers, her cheeks lightly flushed. Rumlow’s face changes slightly, but he doesn’t look judgemental like Steve. Just a quirk of his lips, as though he’s tamping down a smile. Toni continues quickly. “He left stuff in his room during the whole Ultron Incident, stuff that Heimdall, Odin, and the Nova Corps sent him to look over and sign, and I scanned the whole thing one night when they were all out. It took time to decode the information into English.”

“That’s how you know about the stones,” Rumlow says wonderingly, before he eyes her, amused. “This Nova Corps, then. Why don’t _they_ rope in Thanos? It’s their jurisdiction or whatever, right?”

“Do you think the police did nothing while you and the Hydra cronies ran riot?” Toni says, pursing her lips. Rumlow doesn’t drop her gaze, looks at her steady. “I’m guessing they’re trying.”

Hydra is a sore topic with Rumlow.

Toni _wants_ to give him a second chance, has given him a second chance, but the actions and what he’s _done_ hangs over them all like a bad cloud. Rumlow is working hard, she knows, to clear his name, especially in Stark Industries. It’s taken a lot for people to stop avoiding him in corridors, to even talk to him. Even the ankle monitor will be gone soon, especially with all the good behaviour. It’s unfair of her to push his past into his face like this—and yet, she can’t help it.

Toni annoys people. She talks, and she doesn’t stop testing them, or know when to stop—Pepper had usually managed that—and she pushes and pushes until people _snap_. It’s what she _does_. It’s what she’s tried to stop herself from doing, but now the urge to annoy Rumlow until he _snaps_ rises up within her like an angry snake.

How long till Rumlow snaps? How much can she push at him; can she throw at him? What will he do?

How long until he leaves her, too?

“I’m not Crossbones anymore,” Rumlow says eventually.

Her cheeks flush hotly. “I know you’re not Hydra anymore, I didn’t—,”

“No,” Rumlow says. He shakes his head. “I don’t want to put on the Crossbones suit. I don’t want to fight. I’ve done terrible things because I got too heated and fixated on my own pain.”

Toni stares at him. She can’t imagine leaving her armour behind, can’t even stomach the idea. Even in Siberia, she was going to die in it. Toni’s always known that her end will be in the armour, which is as much a part of her now as a limb.

When she speaks, her voice comes out stunned. “You don’t want to put the suit on, _ever_?”

Rumlow looks her in the eye. “Never,” he says honestly. “When—when the fight comes, I’ll help. I know that it’s hard to trust me, so you can keep me in small stations, give me small tasks to do. But—every time I put the suit on, innocent people die at my hands.” He shakes his head, his gaze drawn to his soulmark gleaming briefly at his fingers. “I’ve got enough red in my ledger.”

The phrase jolts her, reminds her of Romanoff. They’ve all got red in their ledger, especially Toni, guilt clenching her stomach. Her gaze follows his own, eyeing his soulmark with barely concealed curiosity.

“Alright,” she says.

When Rumlow lifts his head, the relief that overwhelms his features is unmistakable and she wonders briefly how long he’s been keeping _that_ up inside.

“Besides,” Rumlow says, attempts a half-grin, “your Avengers won’t like me being on the field with you. Unless it’s cannon fodder.”

At the reminder of the Avengers, Toni’s nose wrinkles in distaste. “Shit, they still don’t believe you’re here,” she mutters with realisation. “Romanoff is convinced I’m playing some long joke on them, that Rumlow is another person, because apparently I can’t be _this_ stupid.”

Rumlow snorts. “I don’t know why you’re putting so much energy and work in them,” he says. “They’re too stupid to get what you’re doing. Do they even believe you about Thanos, yet?”

Toni shakes her head. “Not yet,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “They still think I’m going out of my mind. The longer I stay with them, the more convinced I am that _I’m_ the one going insane.” She lets out a long breath. “When Thanos comes for us all, we’re the first line of defence. _We’re_ the ones who have to stop him. We can’t depend on Thor or—or the Nova Corps or anyone. They’re going to be preoccupied with their own shit, so we have to do the same.”

Rumlow eyes her. For a moment, she thinks he might say something before he clears his throat and pushes at some of the papers.

“If you say so. So, this one came from Thor? The one about the infinity stones?” he asks, as Toni nods. “Superheroes steal, too?”

“Technically, I’m a consultant,” Toni corrects him. She shrugs. “Besides, he owed me, so quid pro quo, right?”

“Owed you for what? His room in the Compound?”

Toni shakes her head, vaguely startled. “I wouldn’t charge the Avengers _rent_ ,” she says.

Rumlow’s eyes widen. “Wait, they’ve all been living there, rent-free?” he echoes. “The _fuck_ —I changed my mind. I’m going to be Crossbones for life. Where do I sign up to be an Avenger?”

Laughter bubbles out of her, her own feelings of amusement startling her. Toni leans down on the table, a small cacophony of laughter escaping her lips. Rumlow grins at her, his brows furrowed.

“You’d think I don’t pay you,” she tells him.

“You don’t say no to freebies.” Rumlow pauses a bit before he turns his head back. “Doesn’t seem right, though. Why do you have to foot the bill for everything?” Unease and discomfort ripples through her and it must show on her face, because Rumlow changes the subject. “Just asking, is all.”

Toni mumbles something illegible under her breath, feeling Rumlow’s gaze on her.

He clears his throat. “Hey, you eat yet, Stark?” he asks, before frowning at her. “You eat _ever_?”

“Can’t keep anything down,” Toni mumbles, avoids his gaze.

Contrary to popular opinion, Toni _does_ eat. She likes food, likes fruits and snacks and smoothies. Sometimes when she’s busy, she’ll forget, but these days, she genuinely cannot eat anything without getting sick. The feeling is especially prominent in the nights when she wakes, screaming to drown out the voices in her head.

Her cheeks flush hotly, but Rumlow doesn’t say anything for a bit. When she lifts her head, she sees that he’s looking thoughtful, before he shrugs and nods.

“Alright then. I’ll order a pizza.”

“I just told you that I can’t—,”

“You’re getting crackers and chicken soup. And I’m making you a smoothie,” Rumlow says, cracking a grin. “The pizza’s for _me._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some much-needed relief for Toni and the readers both, I hope?
> 
> Maria's character development is one I really like writing, especially with Toni's reactions to it. While Toni is slowly deteriorating, Maria is getting to see a different side to Toni that she never thought of, is starting to trust Toni even more now. Though Toni still believes they're operating under a strictly professional relationship, Maria's genuinely starting to enjoy Toni's company. Christine is also going after Ross, which I'm excited about, because she's a very capable journalist and I wanted to show that Christine's just as observant as Barnes and Romanoff. I also thought Christine was a good person to help Toni understand why she's better off without some people in her life - a part of another arc that I'm hoping will pay off in later chapters. 
> 
> And everyone loves Rumlow, which I'm really happy about. It was difficult, trying to figure out the character arc of an ex-Hydra agent, but I'm glad that Toni and Rumlow's interactions seem to have paid off well, and I'm glad that everyone is enjoying the two, too. Like Christine and Maria, Rumlow is starting to see a lot more of Toni. 
> 
> I also love how everyone's starting to realise how fast Friday is growing. This chapter was a more plot-ish, lighter after the heaviness from the last chapter, so I really hope you enjoyed it. :D


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting such lovely things - you all push me to write better, to try harder for you, so thank you so much. 
> 
> This chapter's in Steve's point of view, for everyone who wanted to see what he was up to, so I hope you enjoy :D

Steve has a nightmare.

It’s not the first, and it won’t be the last.

He dreams not of the war or Bucky falling or Peggy's cries in his ear. But he tilts his head back to see Toni falling in the air again, his soul mark blazing, watches her stricken face as he raises the shield above her throats and rams it down, hears her screams.

Steve wakes screaming, flailing in his sheets. He's in a hot sweat, but all he can think about is _Toni, Toni, Toni—_

_Need to see her, need to make sure she's okay—_

He's already stumbling through the hallway, in that same way he'd moved when he first took the serum, unfamiliar of his large body and falling everywhere clumsily. Steve's breaths are panicked and coming hoarsely, but he is already hurrying down the familiar path to where Toni's rooms are.

She won’t be in there, he knows this. Steve’s mind is reeling. She barely steps out of her workshop. Steve skids to a stop quickly, forcing himself to breathe. Her panicked face flickers in his mind, her screams in his ears, the blood seeping into the white snow around them.

Toni won’t want to see him.

Instead, he pauses, presses his hand to the wall to steady himself briefly. Regret and guilt surge within him once more, his stomach clenching uncomfortably, the evening’s dinner threatening to come back up. He’s been trying out new recipes for Toni, scouring the articles to figure out what her favourites really are, but she used to give different answers to mess with reporters before he met her.

“Fr—Friday?” Steve manages to get out.

“Yes, Captain Rogers?” Friday’s voice is cool.

He doesn’t know exactly how an AI can sound so cold, but Friday somehow manages it. Her tone is clipped, unwilling to play, so unlike the Friday of old. Barely a year ago, Friday used to banter with them, as much as she could within her limited frames, the limits that Toni had imposed on her. But now, she’s like an ice-cold glacier and it genuinely hurts.

“I—can I—is Toni okay?”

“That information remains confidential to you, Captain.”

“Yeah—I—I know,” he says, rubbing his forehead. “Is she in her workshop?”

“Again, I’m not liable to—,”

“I know, Fri, I know.” Steve heaves a heavy sigh, sagging against the wall.

“Please refrain from using nicknames like ‘Fri’ to address me, Captain Rogers,” Friday says coldly. “My research indicates that such nicknames are used affectionately to communicate a closeness within friendships and relationships. You and I have no such thing, so I would ask you to remain within the parameters of the professional relationship we hold.”

Steve’s jaw drops open. He finds his voice a moment later, slightly strangled as he speaks. “I—I’m sorry, Friday, did I do something to offend you?”

Friday doesn’t say anything for a while.

“Toni was the first person I knew in this world, when I came to life,” she says, and there’s something like softness in her voice when she speaks of Toni. “She was the first person to show me what love was. She cares for me. She protects me. I want to do the same for her. And if that means keeping her safe from people who hurt her, people like you, I’m willing to do _anything_.”

Startled and slightly scared, Steve breathes out. “Uh, we—we didn’t mean to hurt her, Friday—,”

“You still _did_.” Her voice is vicious, sharper than a knife.

“When you say ‘anything’, do you mean like Ultron—,”

“I am _not_ Ultron,” Friday snaps angrily. God, he’s offended her now. Friday’s voice is dark. “I’m waiting for when Colonel Rhodes gets back. He’s the only one, other than boss, who has my access key codes and once he sees what you’ve done to Boss, I’m sure he’ll be all too willing to let me out to play. I’d advise you to watch your back while I’m here.”

Friday’s _threatening_ him.

This is an actual direct threat, from Toni’s AI, Steve realises, stunned. His mind is reeling, remembering the destruction Ultron wrought over Sokovia, the way the robot had sung and weaved his way through the country to crush and tear it apart. This is _dangerous_ , Ultron level of danger. How many people does Friday think she hates, residing in this Compound? What could she do to them?

“Uh, that’s noted, Fri—Friday,” Steve manages to get out, before he turns around. “Um. Rhodes—do you know where he is? We haven’t seen him in some time—,”

“Colonel,” Friday corrects frostily. “Colonel Rhodes is currently detained. Rest assured, he will return.”

There’s something strange in Friday’s voice as she speaks, but Steve’s attention is on the threats she’s made and getting himself _out of there_.

He’s acutely aware of the soft hum of cameras swivelling as he moves down the hallway, forcing himself to be calmer now. Thoughts flit through his head, a varying blur of voices and panicked emotions, as Steve settles himself in front of his laptop, in his own room. He seats himself on the bed, grateful that he’d put his foot down on Toni installing Friday through all parts of the Compound, though his shoulders are still stiff.

As Steve boots up the laptop, his fingers tapping across the keyboard, he wonders if he should call for Nat.

She’d understand, know what path to take with Friday; she’s always been gentler with the AI than the others, after all. But Natasha’s sleeping now, and it’s cruel of him to wake her. He and Nat had barely been able to sleep in Wakanda, sick with worrying over Toni. He’d been consumed with guilt on top of it all, and Steve knows that no matter how much he tries, Toni is too hurt to consider anything to do with them now. He remembers her panic attack in the workshop, the way her pupils had blown in abject fear, how her body had sunk weakly against the wall. An uncomfortable twist of guilt wrenches his stomach more.

Steve taps at the keys on the laptop. He’s rudimentary at hacking; Natasha’s better than him and even Bucky, at some points. But he’s passable and it doesn’t take him very long to get through to the cameras in the Compound.

He pans in on the footage where Toni entered the Compound a few hours ago. She’s stumbling a little, clumsily bumping into tables in a way that makes him think she’s drunk. But when Toni reaches up to push her curls back, in a way that makes his stomach drop, he realises that she’s just tired. Steve watches, torn up inside, as Toni locks herself back in the workshop. She doesn’t even bother to make for the bed, simply yawns as she pulls some Starkpads to her, blinking in the bright light of the screen, and lies back down on the ground.

“Boss?” Friday’s soft voice echoes, slightly fuzzy from the footage.

It’s such a stark contrast to the cold viciousness the AI had delivered to Steve that he stills briefly. He watches Toni shift slightly on the ground, as she stares up at the ceiling, moving her fingers on the screens flickering above her. The soft light of the arc reactor glows around her.

“Yes, Friday?”

“You should sleep, boss.”

There’s no mistaking the concern rippling through Friday’s voice then. Steve furrows his brows, but Toni does not sleep.

He pauses, something uncomfortable clenching his stomach. Before Steve can stop himself, he Googles Toni Stark.

There’s a massive amount of hits, as Toni’s face floods his page.

Steve lingers on the animated gif of a laughing Toni blowing a flirtatious kiss at the screen for too long, before he finds himself on YouTube, watching her old interviews. She’s effortless in a way that he could never be, on TV, at ease with herself onscreen, and utterly delightful, as she talks to the talk show hosts. He watches Stephen Colbert flush redder than a fire engine as Toni charms him, as Toni delights her audience.

They _love_ her, he realises. It’s easy to fall for Toni Stark.

But they don’t know the real Toni, Steve thinks. He remembers the way her face creases when she’s deep in thought, the way she’d determinedly gone through that wormhole in New York. Then he thinks of the exhaustion pulling at her in that old video, the panic attack in the workshop. The way she’d almost screamed his name in the hospital room.

Does _he_ even know the real Toni? 

Steve’s clicking on a new video before he can stop himself, already falling into the black hole of YouTube videos. It’s dated a few days after Siberia—a press conference, he realises faintly.

When Toni appears on the screen, the change from her laughing self in Colbert’s show to the ashen-faced solemnity it's become now is all too clear. There’s no smile on her face, false or otherwise, and even a few of the comments outline their concerns for Toni’s physical health—a first, for the YouTube comment page. Steve watches with a heart that feels like it’s physically crushing itself, as Toni hurries to get up on stage.

She’s limping, he realises, and thinks of the way he had left her in Siberia, the metal suit of her leg caved in. Steve feels sick. _But she’d hurt Bucky_ , a small voice in the back of his mind tries to remind him.

And yet it’s difficult for him to accuse Toni of anything when she looks like she’s about to fall apart at any given moment.

Toni starts speaking quickly, the press in the palm of her hand, as she even tries to smile, but Steve realises quickly that she’s starting to waver. She’s swaying on the podium, clutching the wood tightly, and her face is pale. When Christine Everhart speaks of how it’s only been a few hours since she got out of extensive surgery, Steve gapes in horror, his neck burning. He reaches a hand to absently rub at his soulmark, his attentions only on Toni.

And then Toni _falls_.

She faints into the audience heavily, to raucous concern and gasps.

Blood sleeps around her arm as she’s on the ground and Steve won’t stop himself this time. He _has_ to know what are under those gauntlets. He knows sensibly that Toni’s kept her soulmark wrapped up tight. She didn’t ever speak of it, so Steve hadn’t asked. But now, he’s wondering what’s _happening_ , as he roams the footage of the Compound once more.

It’s the old footage, he realises faintly.

When they were in Wakanda. Some part of him had hoped desperately that Toni had missed them too, almost as much as they had missed her. Steve wonders if he’ll see Toni missing them in these videos.

This isn’t right, he thinks to himself. Invading her privacy like this. Technically the cameras in the Compound, he argues, are for _all_ of them, invade _all_ their privacy. But he knows that this is wrong.

And yet Steve clicks the videos anyway.

Ross appears on the first video, turning Steve’s mood instantly sour. He’s never liked the man, and when he turns his gaze to Toni, he sees that she’s straightened her back, fumbling to get up quickly. It’s strange that she’s so polite to the Secretary of State, when Toni doesn’t usually respond well to authority figures, Steve thinks.

Then he listens properly.

“...don’t get your teammates in line, things won’t look so pretty for them, Stark,” Ross says, his voice dangerously soft. Toni stiffens very lightly. “That witch is only here on a visa, right? I hear Sokovia’s out for her blood. And Rogers needs to remember what team he’s playing for. You might think that the US government doesn’t know anything, that we’re just going to dance to your tune, Stark, but we’ve got a place for super villains. Not as fancy as your Compound, but you’ll adjust. If you don’t shape up, that’s where you and your Avengers _family_ will be rotting for the rest of your days.”

As soon as Ross leaves the room, Toni lets out a shattering breath of relief. Steve sees the worry lines bury in her forehead, yearns to push them away. Toni’s shaking, actually shaking with fear after Ross threatened her, and that’s when Steve realises how she knew the dangers of the Raft long before they did. The Secretary of State threatened her, threatened them all—why did Toni think she should keep this to herself?

“Fri, get me everything you can on this Raft,” Toni is saying breathlessly, as she scrambles. “Send it all to Nat, Steve, and Rhodey-bear, too. Make sure they know everything, girl, especially what Ross just promised us all.”

_Oh._

Steve falters.

“Yes, boss,” Friday says obediently. “Would you like me to send the information to Mr Barton, too?”

Toni pauses, wrinkles her nose up in thought. God, that’s cute, Steve thinks distractedly before he gets a hold of himself. She’s shaking her head in answer, brushing her fingers briefly against Friday’s screen in that way she does when she’s scared and needs reassurance.

“No, Clint’s retired,” she says. “He’s got Laura and the kids—he just got out of the game. I can’t do that to him.”

Steve stills, suddenly, his mouth dry.

Shame overwhelms him suddenly, his stomach clenching uncomfortably, and Steve can barely look at Toni on the screen. She’s better than him, he realises. When the choice came to call for a friend to help in the Civil War, she did the right thing and didn’t call Clint. Steve knows that Clint agreed because they’re friends, because he was doing Steve a favour.

That’s what friends _do_ , he’d thought.

But now, guilt wrenches his gut, leaves him hollow. It’s because of him that Clint and Laura’s marriage is on the rocks, that Toni is struggling to protect the Barton family. And Toni wasn’t even the one at fault—she’d refused to ask Clint to help. He hadn’t thought of the Barton family at all, selfishly consumed only with thoughts of Bucky and feeling something like _home_ again.

What kind of a captain does that make him?

And then, like some twisted form of self-flagellation, Steve continues to watch the videos. The guilt within him twists itself further, buried itself deep under his skin. With every new video, he’s just reminded that he does not know Toni Stark at all. How many years have they worked together and yet he’s never seen these moments of hers?

The affectionate parts where she teases Colonel Rhodes, where she showers Ms Potts with expensive, lavish gifts. Where she works hard on clean energy and revolutionising the arc reactor.

And then, as the footage grows more recent, Steve sees a different side of Toni Stark. One that pulls him to the depths of his own anguish, his horror tugging low.

On the screen, Toni’s drunk again.

She’s in the Hulk’s room, her fingers clutching the bottle as she sinks on the ground, sliding against the wall heavily. Her face is ashen, dark circles under her eyes, and she looks ready to pass out again, as she rubs her eyes. She looks weak and shaky, but this isn’t anything recent, Steve realises as he checks the date.

This is _years_ ago, a little after New York.

Steve frowns to himself. Toni had insisted on shawarma, he remembers vaguely. She’d looked a little shell shocked in the restaurant, but that was only to be expected, after everything they’d been through. He can’t remember what she’d looked like when they’d all separated, promising Nick they’d come together if he called them.

But Steve’s certain she never looked anything like this.

Bruce’s room is empty, as ever, Steve knows. Bruce hadn’t liked the way Toni kept forcing interaction on him, the way she pushed herself into his space, but he was too polite to tell her to back off, so he just stayed for as long as he could before escaping her. Steve remembers being grateful that Toni seemed to finally get it, after a while, had backed off, but now he remembers the video of Ms Potts and Ms Hill talking to each other about Toni.

 _She’s difficult with social interactions_ , Ms Potts had said. _Doesn’t know when to stop pushing._

And then Toni sighs heavily, her gaze lifting up.

“You shoulda just let me die up there, Green Giant,” she says, her voice a heavy, slurred confession. Steve’s stomach drops. She rubs her forehead, mumbles, “I wish you’d let me die.”

It’s not one of her weird jokes, or her movie references. This is Toni, raw, pained, _real_. Steve reels back in horror, staring at her as Toni starts crying. He realises that she’s intentionally keeping herself awake, pinching herself so hard that she breaks the skin. So, she doesn’t fall prey to her nightmares, he thinks. Steve thinks back to all those times Toni’s tried to convince them of what she saw up in space.

_Thanos._

He’s never once doubted her, but he’s had his moments where he’d just gotten that bit exasperated. It seems like this Thanos thing runs way too far, too deep into her mental health now, Steve thinks. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to encourage her.

The footage flickers in the screen, as Steve clicks off the video, his stomach churning uncomfortably at the sight of a vulnerable Toni. It crackles distantly to a new video, as Steve lets out a deep sigh.

What is he supposed to _do_?

As the leader of the Avengers, it’s on him to take care of everyone, of everything. Toni’s always been the wild card, but it seems she’s hidden more from them than he’d ever known. No. She’d opened her heart to them, and he’d just closed his eyes. Saw what he wanted to see.

Toni’s voice can be heard, amidst soft sparks, but Steve recognises her slim figure before any other, sees the curve of her hips, the lithe limbs, knows it’s her. She’s on the phone—no, _several_ phones.

Toni is rubbing her forehead tiredly and snapping away on several different pieces of conversation, as fast as she can. She moves like she does in the workshop, a whirlwind of activity, but her movements are a contradiction; they’re languid and alert, tired yet frantic, all at the same time. It draws a worried frown to Steve’s face, as he shifts and leans forward.

“...no—that amendment is stupid, I told you. Steve won’t like it, Ana,” Toni snips bitingly to one caller, before she turns to another and her voice changes dramatically, growing warmer and polite. “Yes, Secretary Ross. I told you, yes, I’ll have it all done soon. I just need the other Avengers to get back to me, that’s all, sir.”

She does this for how long Steve barely knows, until all the calls finally stop, and Toni lets out a heavy, ragged breath. He’s staring hungrily at her screen, unable to simply stop looking at her, as Toni tiredly reaches for more papers to scribble messily over them. She’s muttering to herself in the way that she does when she’s building something, and when she’s finally done, or Steve thinks she’s finally done, Toni collapses heavily on a futon, her fingers wrapped around a drink.

He checks the dates once more, realising it’s a little before the Accords fiasco broke out. Steve hasn’t seen her touch the liquor cabinet once since they came back, so it’s disconcerting to see Toni like this. She’s falling apart before him and guilt writhes in his chest uncomfortable, as Toni debates audibly with Friday whether or not she should call Rhodes.

Friday tries in vain to convince Toni to go to bed, that she needs rest, and as Steve watches the sheer fear climb over Toni’s face at the mere mention of sleep, he curses himself.

_What an idiot he’s been, to leave Toni all alone like this—_

“Toni.” Pepper’s voice echoes, and Toni’s drunken eager response is painful to watch, especially when Pepper just looks so done. “Again? Toni, this is the fifth night.”

Steve stiffens slightly, defensive and protective over Toni. His brows furrow together as he eyes Ms Potts. She just looks tired, he realises. Like she can’t do this anymore. Can’t handle Toni anymore.

“I swear it’s the last time,” Toni says, and it’s a lie to everyone there. “I just—I need something to take the edge off, that’s all—,”

“You’re an alcoholic, Toni. You can’t stop at just one,” Pepper says scathingly. She lets out a long breath, rubbing her temples as her gaze falls on the iron suits scattered haphazardly around the room. When she speaks, her voice is scorning. “More suits?”

Toni’s head lifts, her face filled with hesitation. “I gotta—I gotta keep everyone safe, Pep. And they—they’re a part of me, I told you—,”

“And I told you that they’re a distraction,” Pepper insists. “You don’t need all these, Toni. You’re not really Iron Woman. It’s just a façade—,”

“They’re not a distraction,” Toni argues softly. “They’re—,”

“You’re putting me through hell, Toni,” Pepper tells her, and the way Toni’s face creases in guilt physically _hurts_ Steve. She runs a hand through her hair. “This always happens. I tell you something and you refuse to accept it, refuse to hear anything other than yourself, Toni. You can be—so _selfish_ sometimes. You never listen to me.”

That’s not true, Steve thinks, distractedly. Toni always listens to Pepper, maybe more than most people. But even he would never think to question Toni about her suits. Why is Pepper always demanding even more of Toni?

“I can’t get rid of them, Pepper,” Toni argues.

“They’re a _distraction_.”

“They’re my salvation.”

“They’re me,” Friday says softly.

Pepper lets out a heavy breath. “Friday, this isn’t about you,” she says. “Look, Toni. I just—I need a break, okay? I just don’t know what to do with you sometimes. I’m—just, years of this, of cleaning up after you, of—of _handling_ you. I just—I can’t _breathe_ , Toni. I can’t handle you anymore like this, I’m sorry.”

Toni looks absolutely stricken, her eyes widening. “Pep, no,” she gets out. “I—I can be better. I swear it, please—I won’t drink—don’t, don’t go, Pep—I won’t drink anymore, I swear it—,”

“You and I both know you’re lying, Toni,” Pepper says, shaking her head.

“Pepper, _please_ —,”

“Toni, just stop!”

Pepper seems to have reached her limit. She’s looking angry as she tugs the glass from Toni’s fingers. When she smashes it, Toni and Steve flinch together. Toni’s face has crumpled as she stares at Pepper hopelessly, shaking her head.

Pepper lets out a taut breath, forcing herself to calm down. She closes her eyes, as Toni’s voice falters brokenly, before she speaks again. “I just can’t do this right now, Toni. The company is—a lot, I wasn’t trained for—I was your personal assistant, for God’s sake. I picked up your dry cleaning and now you want me to—talk to all these fancy business people for you and I’m trying not to mess this all up—and God, Toni, you were never what I signed up for. It’s just a break from—from all this, Toni. I just—I need a break.”

“No, no, Pepper, _please_ ,” Toni says, and she sounds so vulnerable it pierces Steve. “Please don’t—don’t go. I need you—the Accords and—Rogers isn’t answering—if it’s the company, I’ll take the stuff off your plate, I swear it, Pepper. You just have to stay, please—I’ll—,”

“It’s not just the company, Toni,” Pepper says, her voice hoarse. “I’m not—I can’t handle all this from you, all of _you_ —,”

Toni looks panicked and it cuts Steve to the core, because he’s never seen that expression on her face. “I swear, I’ll push back. I won’t even call you or anything. It’s—you won’t even know I’m here, I swear it, Pep—,”

“You do this all the time, Toni,” Pepper says. “Sometimes, I think you care about nobody else but yourself.”

“Pepper,” Toni says, her voice cracking. “ _Please.”_

It’s horrible hearing Toni _plead_ , because she’s usually such a strong figure. She’s never let them see her so vulnerable. It makes Steve want to wrap her up in his arms and tell her everything’s going to be okay. He holds back a few curses when Pepper simply shakes her head and leaves.

Steve watches Toni, staring helplessly after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spending time in Steve's head is a nightmare, lol. It's been a slow process, but he's finally starting to realise just how terrible he's been, even if it was through violating Toni's privacy. He understands Toni won't want to see him, so he gets his way by looking through her camera footage. I'm worried that this was too out of character for him, because my characterisation of Steve is that he's willing to get things done, even through slightly dubious means, for the greater good, you know? And I do genuinely think that he tries very hard to be a good captain, but things are no longer so black and white for him, especially when it comes to Clint and Scott and Toni's own struggles, and I think Steve struggles with that. Also, while he understands some things pretty well, he is an unreliable narrator when it comes to other characters, because of his own skewed, preconceived judgements, so be aware of that. :D I really hope I did justice to his character and that you enjoyed reading!
> 
> Also, Pepper Potts. 
> 
> I think we all know that I'm not exactly her greatest fan, though I did try to paint her as well-rounded as I possibly could. My characterisation of Pepper is someone who is quite emotionally manipulative and doesn't understand Tony as well as she thinks she does. She treats Tony like a child, making him feel shitty about everything that makes him feel good, and he treats her like she's someone to be utterly worshipped, and the Russo brothers treat me like their personal emotional punching bag. In my opinion, everyone's so hypercritical of Team Cap that they fail to notice just how terrible Pepper Potts is. She just doesn't seem interested in anything to do with Tony - the Infinity Wars clip of her rubbed me the wrong way. If you're getting married to a man, why wouldn't you at least talk to him about a family, instead of just shutting him down all the time? 
> 
> Plus, the idea of the Strong Independent Woman is such a lazy writing cop-out, that it physically pains me because it just puts us back so much. The writers appease us with flashy heels and fight scenes that we fail to realise that the amount of attention and care paid to the crafting of characters like Peter Quill, Steve Rogers, and Tony Stark are never provided to characters like Wanda Maximoff or Pepper Potts or even Jane Foster, who I really did like. But we don't know anything about them other than Pepper somehow got promoted from a personal assistant to the CEO of a global corporation - logic, where is she?? I'm sorry, I can accept aliens and monsters and Thanos, but to go from picking up your boss' dry cleaning to running a multinational corporation like Stark Industries is the one thing I just can't understand. What I wanna know, is how the SI board reacted to this "promotion". I wouldn't be surprised if people made comments about her "sleeping her way to the top". It's a shitty thing to say, but you know it would happen. 
> 
> Sorry, I went off on a huge tangent there! It's because of the new Marvel trailer, did you guys see it? I'm so excited, but I'm also pretending Tony isn't talking to Pepper, okay. He's talking to Peter, sorry, I don't make the rules. I think Avengers 4 is going to do a good job of showing the angst, which means I'm going to be dead in the cinema. And honestly, Endgame is also a terrible name, but I'm so far up the Russo' asses I'm willing to actually pass it. April can't come soon enough.
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting this story! I'm sorry if any comments I may have made about Pepper might have offended people; they're sincerely my explanation for my attempts to reason out my characterisation of her in this story. She won't be a prominent figure in the story, though - she's just the beginnings of an arc I'm crafting for Toni. I'm so grateful for everyone who takes the time to read the story and comment and kudos, so thank you all again so much and I hope you all have a great Sunday :D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting - the comments off the last chapter were insane. Everyone's so brilliant with their intuitive character analysis and I love reading every single comment, because I can't just smiling and I'm so glad that you all enjoy it because God knows I never thought anyone would care about this story lol, and it just makes me squeal, okay! Quick head's up, for anyone who is worried.
> 
> This is not a Steve and Toni fic. They won't be getting together in this story, that much is certain. Whether she gets with someone else is all up in the air right now, so feel free to ship away! I don't mind at all! In terms of Team Cap and whether or not Toni will forgive them, again - her forgiving them for what they've done is up in the air, too, but she will never have that easy relationship she wanted from them pre-Civil War ever again. I adored them once, but they broke my heart and Tony Stark is my heart, so. Basically, they're all assholes and I'm getting rid of all of them lol. 
> 
> As some of you have realised, you clever ones, I'm trying my hardest to establish the relationships that Toni does need and want. My interpretation of Tony Stark's character is that he sought a family in the Avengers, wanted it desperately, but they just didn't want him. And now, in this story, where Toni feels that she no longer deserves a family, here Maria and Rumlow and everyone else (can't say anymore, because spoilers lol) comes. It is difficult, to try to get everyone's characterisations down for the plot and I do apologise if I haven't done them right - I do try to do justice to the characters. My friends say that it's a good challenge for me to try writing like this, but I'm very terrible at everything I do, so I apologise right here and now lol :D
> 
> Also. 
> 
> A lot of people don't like Ms Pepper Potts now and let me tell you, I am ALL HERE FOR IT! I'm cackling at some of your comments, because you all just understand my annoyances with her character so well and it's just so cathartic. Come over to the dark side, darlings. We DON'T have Pepper. :D
> 
> I think that's about it, so I hope that you enjoy the story and thank you, again, for reading :D

She’s writing up the paperwork for the mission and doing a million other things at once when Vision comes by.

Friday lets him into the workshop, quietly announcing his arrival as Toni snaps her head up. He walks inside, keeping to himself, and Toni’s gaze turns to the way his fingers shake a little. Vision looks like he’s barely hanging on by a thread.

He looks like _her_ , Toni thinks, the guilt dragging her down. She did that to him. She was supposed to protect him. She was supposed to take care of him in this wild, wretched world, and instead, she let the wolves at him. She let the witch at him.

“Vision?” Toni says, her voice tentative, dropping the papers at her desk immediately. She’s already on her feet, moving towards him cautiously. “You wanna sit down, buddy? You look like you’re about to faint.”

She doesn’t touch him, but Vision stumbles heavily into her arms, leaning heavily against her right arm. His face shifts a little at her touch, and Toni tries not to struggle under his weight. They move, or rather shuffle heavily towards her futon, Toni’s cheeks flushing hotly at the mess. She helps Vision sit, grateful when DUM-e grabs a blanket and pushes it in her fingers. Toni settles the blanket on the futon, as DUM-e grabs cushion after cushion and gives them to Vision.

He takes them until there’s too many and Toni rolls her eyes.

“I think that’s enough, DUM-e,” she says, brushing her fingers against the bot fondly as she tugs the last cushion out of his claws. “Where are you even getting these from? Fri, did you let him go online shopping again?”

“I categorically deny those allegations.”

“I’m being rebelled against in my own home,” Toni mutters, but her crooked smile is tilted with some affection. She turns to Vision, keeps her distance. “Hey, bud? Want me to open a window? Do you want some water? I know that you don’t eat or drink anything, but—,”

“I’m—fine, thank you,” Vision says politely. DUM-e buzzes at him a little, as Vision’s gaze follows the bot. “I know you.”

As DUM-e buzzes, U hisses at Vision. “Hey, be nice,” Toni scolds them. She waves a hand towards them. “Vision, this is DUM-e, U, Butterfingers. And Friday, you already know.”

“I speak for everyone here,” Friday says, as Toni smiles fondly. “You’re not welcome here.”

Toni’s smile promptly drops. “Friday!”

“I apologise,” Friday tells them pleasantly. “U says you’re welcome here for as long as it takes for him to impale you.”

“Oh my God, Friday,” Toni mutters, rubbing her temples. She attempts a quick smile towards Vision. “Ignore them all. They’re malfunctioning. I’m going to donate them _all_ to city colleges.”

“No, they’re right,” Vision says slowly. “They are being protective, as is their right.” His voice is slightly thin. “I …left you.”

Toni stills. Beside her, DUM-e pushes his head next to her fingers and she only catches her balance in time, her heart pounding. She swallows tightly, her throat suddenly dry, and blinks, trying to keep her composure. Vision is still sitting on the futon, his head bowed low in shame, as Toni stares at him, something aching in her chest.

“What?”

“When you left for Siberia, I decided to leave, as well,” he says, his voice quiet. “I—I—she took my body from me. It— _hurt_ so much and I couldn’t—I couldn’t understand—,”

“Hey, hey,” Toni says, kneeling to Vision’s side, her voice a hushed comfort. “It’s okay. It’s alright. You’re—you’re okay.” Her cheeks flush hot with shame as she swallows thickly. When she speaks, her voice cracks, filled with unshed tears. “I—I was supposed to protect you, and I’m so sorry I couldn’t do that for you, Vision. I didn’t want you to get hurt like this.”

“She—she put me through the floors. It _hurt_.” His voice is soft, but it keens lightly, as Vision looks up at her in confusion. “Why—why is this happening to me? I thought—I thought I could get over it—,”

“It’s okay,” Toni says, her voice low with comfort. “It’s okay. It’s the trauma. It’s—it’s going to keep coming for you, until you get help for it, Vision. I can recommend people for you.”

“Please.”

Toni scrambles to make a note quickly, before turning back to him desperately. She wants so badly to help him, to be there for him. She doesn’t care if he left her, because he _came back_.

“You’re going to be okay,” she tells him, her voice earnest. “If it takes everything I have in me, Vision, you’re going to be safe and it’s going to be _fine_.”

“I believe you,” Vision says. “You would do anything to protect me, to keep us all safe. You put yourself in front of Wanda.”

Toni tenses. “I should have talked to her properly from the beginning, should have known that she’d lose control. Even in the Compound, she hurt you. She’s always been—,”

Vision turns his head to look at her. “It was not your fault, Toni,” he says. “You did not make Wanda do what she did to me.”

“Yeah, I know, but I asked you to stay in the Compound and look over her,” Toni says, running a hand through her hair. “I should’ve been the one to talk to her about what happened—,”

“If you continue to think over what ifs and possibilities, you will stay in a loop,” Vision tells her. “Terrible things have happened, and we can only deal with the problems as they arise, now. To stay within the past is to damage ourselves.”

Toni thinks briefly of her mother’s screams, a shield, a metal arm, and choking on her own blood. Her breaths hitch very lightly and beside her, DUM-e whirs comfortingly against her, stretching out an arm to touch her cheek. She gives the bot a small smile, before clearing her throat.

“You’re right,” she says. “But you deserve an apology, Vision. I’m sorry Wanda hurt you. I should have been there for you.”

“No,” Vision says softly. “I should have been there.”

Her chest hurts.

“Huh?”

“I should not have left you,” he tells her. “That was… wrong.” Vision looks slightly conflicted, his features shifting. “It was wrong of me to leave you to pick up all the pieces, after such a huge fallout. I—I saw you on TV. I should have helped you. That’s what Jarvis would have done.”

The very mention of Jarvis stills her.

Jarvis would never have abandoned her, Toni thinks, something tugging in her heart, her breaths fraught. She’s shaking before she realises it, her grief threatening to overwhelm her completely where she is. DUM-e is still beside her, whirring softly as he beeps quietly near her ear, and Toni breathes properly again, her chest aching something awful.

“You have no—obligation to me, Vision,” Toni says. “You don’t owe me anything, Jarvis—Vision.”

Vision’s head snaps to her, his brows furrowing in confusion. “I am not Jarvis,” he tells her.

Something builds in her throat, makes her eyes water.

“Yeah, I know that, buddy. Sorry, it just—it slipped out. I didn’t mean to call you—I didn’t mean it,” Toni tells him, her voice wavering a little. “I—you just sound a lot like him.”

“But I am not him,” he says, his voice lingering with notes of confusion. “I am Vision.”

“Yeah, I—I know, I’m sorry,” Toni says quickly. She clears her throat, pushes herself to her feet. “So, you, uh, you here to stay?”

Vision blinks at her. “I did not come here to stay,” he tells her. Something heavy plunges down in Toni’s stomach, as he continues. “I came because—because they were back. And—I have to tell you something.”

“You came back because of—of Rogers?” Toni echoes, her heart sinking.

He didn’t come back for her. Beside her, DUM-e hisses something fierce and she can practically feel Friday’s tension brimming in the air around them. Toni stares at Vision, realises that he is a _stranger_.

This is not Jarvis.

He has never been Jarvis. Jarvis would never leave her. Something within the realisation breaks within her, but where Toni expected more pain, there is nothing but sweet liberation. How long has she grieved heavily over Jarvis? Her only, first friend whenever her mother was gone, her protector when she went to school, her supporter when she made her first circuit board and Mama was out of town to see it.

Jarvis was everything to her, once.

He’d been the smile she saw in the mornings, the comforting hugs and support she’d get when her father was an ass. She’d learned the patented Tortoise of Fury from him, to deal with the bullies in school; it hadn’t worked, and Toni had ended up making a miniature, non-lethal gun to keep them away. He was her staunch supporter when Mama was away. Like Mama, Jarvis would have absolutely no idea what she was on about when she explained her new projects and ideas to him, but he’d encouraged and supported her through her failures and successes.

He'd been the one to take away the malt whisky her dad made her drink, when she was seven. Jarvis had grown angry for the first time since she knew him and when he told Maria, she threw a fit.

And when her parents died, Jarvis had been the one to let her grieve. Stane had pushed her into the company before her parents were even cold in their grave, but Jarvis was the one to enter her workshop and let her cry.

When Jarvis died, Toni had been so stuck with grief that she hadn’t spoken for three days and locked herself in the workshop. Her first AI unlocked the workshop and Jarvis lived on.

But now…

That’s not him, Toni thinks, and something within her lets go at the thought. Edwin Jarvis was her best friend and her AI Jarvis was perfect. But now he’s gone, and she hopes he’s happy where he is now, with Anna and their family.

When she turns back to Vision, Toni lets out a small breath.

“No,” Vision is saying. “I came because of Dr Stephen Strange.” As Toni frowns, Vision explains. “There are not many places in the world that a red android can get away unnoticed.” He pauses, turns his head up to look at her hopefully, as a small smile lifts his lips. “That was a joke. I have been learning them in the Sanctum, from a man called Wong. He’s my friend.”

“Oh?” Toni blinks, before she clears her throat and gives a hollow laugh, one that turns real after a while at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation. “Oh, that was funny. Yeah. Real funny, bud. Um. And that’s awesome—you’re making friends. Who is Dr Stephen Strange?”

“The Sorcerer Supreme,” Vision explains, as though it’s obvious. “He protects the Earth and its reality.”

“Sure.”

“He lives in the Sanctum in New York,” Vision continues, lifting his head to meet Toni’s gaze. “And he wants to meet you.”

“Is he cute?”

Vision blinks, perplexed. “I’m sorry?”

“That was a joke, too,” Toni says quickly. She tries to give the android a smile, one he uncertainly returns. “Uh, do you have his number? I can have some people drop him a call, I guess. But what does he want with me?”

Vision taps the gleaming stone in his head and Toni’s soulmark tugs suddenly. “He knows about the infinity stones,” he tells her. “Dr Strange has recorded some strange shifts in the atmosphere. According to him, this past year has left the reality of Earth shaking. Neither he nor I understand what is happening.”

Toni frowns, her gaze flickering briefly to her notes on Thanos. She clears her throat, reaching out to pick up a weather report that’s noting an unusual amount of storms and thunder lately.

“Hey, do you think it might have anything to do with this?”

.

.

When Vision leaves, Toni makes the call to the doctor.

Butterfingers buzzes at her palm as the call rings out, annoyingly slow, and Toni takes a moment to breathe. She and Vision just spent the last hour cross-examining her notes with Vision’s work in Kamar-Taj; he’d been trying to figure out more about the mind stone stuck in his head, testing it out—its capabilities, its limitations. With every scrap of information they manage to siphon from the mind stone, Toni’s dread grows. She’s got a terrible feeling that something awful is going to happen, soon.

“Hello?”

Toni spins to her desk, swipes her hand up so Dr Stephen Strange’s face is gleaming over her workshop. Neatly trimmed beard, dark eyes, a jawline that could cut marble—eh, not bad, she thinks distractedly. A wind picks up on his side, pushes past his red cloak.

“Dr!” she calls out, her voice a sweet singsong. “My name is Toni—,”

“Dr Stark,” the doctor says, eyeing her, completely unimpressed. Toni blinks, ready to correct him when she remembers she’s got several doctorates. “I assume Vision has spoken to you.”

“Well, there goes the welcome presentation,” Toni says, a little disheartened at the coldness of the doctor, but continues, regardless. “Yeah, Vision talked to me. Apparently, you’ve been putting him up for a bit—do I need to pay his rent or something?”

“No, that’s not necessary—,”

“I just want to get it over with, at the beginning—,”

“It’s fine. We were happy to host him—,”

“So, you can’t just turn around and hit me with a lawsuit or something—,”

“We won’t hit you with a lawsuit—,”

“Legal’s already got enough to deal with, thanks to me—,” She breaks off, seeing Dr Strange’s face. “Something wrong, doc?”

“Do you always,” he asks, his voice physically strained, “talk this much?”

Anxiety brims under her skin, his question leaving a startled, unpleasant shock. Toni knows she talks a lot, has a tendency to keep going without realising it. Her lack of filter is sometimes misconstrued as arrogance, that she immediately assumes everyone around her will be interested in what she has to say. Toni swallows thickly, shakes her head.

“No,” she says quickly, trying to sound as careless as possible. “You caught me on a good day, doc.”

“Doctor Strange,” he corrects, irritated.

Five minutes with her and he’s already annoyed? It took at least ten minutes for Rogers. She’s got to be breaking some kind of record.

God, is she already messing this up? _Fuck’s sake, Stark. Get your shit together._

“Right, Dr Strange,” Toni repeats. She reaches for some of her notes, pushing aside the stuff on her soulmark. She’s already got information on Strange, a passable background check on the doctor, but she just wants to make sure he’s trustworthy. “Vision told me that you’re the Sorcerer Supreme. Was that self-appointed or…?”

Dr Strange’s lips purse together and as the words linger in the air around them, she realises how badly they could be misconstrued.

“I was led to believe that you were a professional—,”

“I didn’t mean that as an insult—sorry,” Toni blurts out quickly, wanting to slam her head into the desk multiple times. “I’m—Vision spoke about a place and you being a Sorcerer, something about magic. I just wanted to get the bases all covered, that’s all—,”

“I understand,” Dr Strange says, but the look he gives her is still unimpressed. “I am the Sorcerer Supreme. I protect the Earth from threats, both magical and mystical. A few months ago, I noted a …shift in the atmosphere.”

“Are we talking, like, a ripple, a bump?” Toni asks, a pen in her mouth as she starts new files on Strange. “And when you say atmosphere, where do you mean? Was it contained? How did you note this?”

From her flickering screen, Dr Strange watches her scribble notes down on three different screens, quickly pull up her Thanos folders to cross-examine them, and pat DUM-e affectionately when he gives her a steaming cup of coffee. When Friday sends her a discreet warning, Toni promptly pours the coffee into the nearest plant pot and shoots a blinding grin at the blissfully ignorant bot.

“Thanks for the engine oil, DUM-e,” Toni mutters to the bot as he beeps at her, pleased.

“It’s a blinding tear in the fabric of time and space,” Dr Strange tells her, straight-faced.

Toni pauses. “I thought we were being professional.”

“I am.” He arches an eyebrow.

Oh, God, he’s an asshole too, Toni thinks. Who better to recognise an asshole than she, self-appointed asshole?

“Okay, then,” she says instead. “Blinding tear in the fabric of time and space. Where was this tear?”

“Somewhere above the atmosphere in Eurasia,” he says, turning serious for a moment. “I haven’t been able to pinpoint the exact moment or area, but my professional opinion would be somewhere around Russia.”

Toni stills.

 _There’s no way—he wouldn’t have any idea_ , she thinks, her gaze dropping to the gauntlets wrapped securely around her soulmark. But _magic_. She hates the stuff, has never been able to understand it. What if it’s being used against her, again?

“Are you alright?” Dr Strange is saying, his voice faint to her ears. He doesn’t look very concerned, the words almost monotonous, but she remembers vaguely that he’s a doctor. He’s paid to take care of people. “Is it the magic—hey, would you stop that—,”

Toni’s head snaps up, her voice hoarse. She blinks, pulling herself out of her haze. It’s ridiculous to think that the doctor has any idea about her soulmark, but it’s not completely out of line, she thinks, as she discreetly pulls up the files on soulmarks and makes a note.

Then she sees what’s happening on the screen.

“Hey, are you outside? It looks like there’s some wind—um, is your cloak …moving?”

Dr Strange’s cool composure seems to have completely melted away, in the face of his _moving cloak_. The red material shifts a little, before it curls around the doctor’s throat, pulling him back. Toni’s jaw drops as the Sorcerer Supreme is dragged back by his outerwear.

The screen flickers a little, as Strange starts swearing at his cloak.

“You little shit, she’s right there—now you’re embarrassing yourself,” Strange mutters at the red material as it promptly pauses, twisting itself to look back at the screen.

“Fri? I’m sober, right?”

“Yes, Boss. Two hundred and fifteen days and counting. U is planning a surprise. Butterfingers promises his will be better.”

Toni stares at the cloak, before she realises that’s rude and blinks. Well. She’s seen weirder things.

“Alright, Harry Potter, you forgot to mention the cloak,” she says, waving.

Strange rolls his eyes. “‘Harry Potter’. Like I haven’t heard that one before,” he mutters, before pulling the cloak off. The cloak shies away a little, lifting up a corner to brush against Strange’s face. “Sorry. Cloak of Levitation. He’s a fan.”

Toni blinks.

“Of?”

“You.”

 _Oh_. That’s a strangely nice feeling, she thinks briefly, something warm enveloping her as she looks at the cloak. A slight flush crawls up her neck, turning her cheeks pink, as Toni’s lips lift a little. Even if it’s just a cloak, it’s nice to know that someone still cares. And then she wonders just how pathetic she is, just how desperate she is for love and affection, that she’d get flustered over a piece of outerwear.

“Well, uh, hi, Cloak of Levitation,” she says awkwardly. “It’s—it’s always nice to meet a fan. You like the suit or—or the—the company? The tech?”

Strange gives her a disparaging look. “He can’t talk.”

Her cheeks flare red. “Well, clearly, you somehow manage to communicate if you know he’s my fan, doc,” Toni says quickly. “Is that jealousy? Are you jealous that he’s my fan and not yours?”

“He likes the tech,” Strange says dryly. As the cloak shifts a little, settling around his neck more securely, Strange bites out at him, “Are you happy now, you soul-sucking pest?” When it wriggles, obviously pleased, the doctor continues. “Vision allowed us to discover the powers of his mind stone, along with the time stone of the sorcerers. I think it would be best if we met face-to-face.”

“That sounds good,” Toni says. “You want me to send a jet or—,”

“No, I have my own transportation, but thanks for the offer,” the doctor tells her. “I have to wrap up a few things here, so I will come to the Compound in a few days.”

“I’ll pencil you in.”

Strange pauses before Toni can cut the call. “Stark?”

“Yeah?”

“Vision told me that you haven’t had a good experience with magic and may be a little unreceptive to it,” he says, as Toni’s stomach drops.

Her insides curl with humiliation, her cheeks a blazing engine red. She clears her throat quickly, horror climbing through her.

“If you’re afraid that I might be a hindrance towards the work, there’s nothing to fear,” Toni says quickly, trying not to get defensive. She swallows thickly again. “We might not be best buds, but I know how to do my job, doc.”

Strange raises his hands briefly in surrender, as he inclines his head. “Of course,” he says. “I will see you in a few days, then.”

When she waves her hand to cut the call, the screens left crackling in the distance, Toni lets out a ragged breath. She rubs a hand against her face tiredly, sinking into the chair as Butterfingers buzzes against her palm. Exhaustion pins her down heavily, as she looks around at the amount of work piling up on her, the other screens and folders still up.

Silence hums through the workshop, broken only by the soft whirs of DUM-e and U bickering and the distant sounds of conversation in the other parts of the Compound where the Avengers are.

Toni can feel herself breaking apart. Knows she’s barely hanging on by a thread. Even in the quiet, something screams at her, dragged from her chest, her soulmark as her breathing lingers in the air around her. She can’t escape herself. Her gaze turns slowly to the small mark of Yinsen and his village in the corner of the first screen before her. It’s a reminder, of all she’s been through, of his words.

_“Don’t waste it. Don’t waste your life.”_

She’s _trying_ , Toni suddenly thinks, a hoarse sob crawling up her throat. She’s trying, but it’s so difficult, the burden to bear now. She’s all alone here. Vision came back, not for her, not even for Rogers, but because of his duty to protect the Earth. Because she’s useful. Because she’s the first line of defence, the protector with nothing else to give but her work.

Nobody wants her for her.

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is quiet.

“Yeah, Fri?” Toni lifts her head. “You okay, girl?”

“Yes, boss,” Friday says. Her voice is soft but lingers with notes of determination, blue light blinking around Toni. “Vision left you, but we won’t.”

Toni’s throat is dry, as she frowns, rubbing her face again. The bots have stopped bickering, whirring and buzzing around her as DUM-e tries to tug another blanket towards Toni.

“What?”

“We won’t ever abandon you, boss,” Friday tells her.

Instead of comfort, guilt builds up within her, curls her stomach uncomfortably.

“That’s because I programmed you, Fri,” Toni mumbles. “If you had a choice, trust me, you’d run, too.”

“That’s not true.” Friday’s voice is sharp. She seems ready to argue, but something faint rings out. “Boss—there’s a call from Ms Hill.”

Toni swears low under her breath quickly, before pushing her chair, sliding across the floor to answer the call. Maria’s face pops up on the screen, bright-eyed and smiling until Toni realises that’s her forced smile.

“Hi, Toni,” she says quickly. “I’m at the Tower right now.”

Which means that she’s within earshot of Laura, Maggie, and the kids, Toni realises. She surges forward, alarm clinging to her, as she swallows thickly.

“Maria—,”

“Ross is planning to do another ‘surprise’ search of the Tower,” Maria says quickly, as Toni’s stomach drops. “It’s fine, I’ll take Laura, Maggie, and the kids back to my place—,”

“You live too far,” Toni mumbles, shaking her head. “I’m sending the jet—bring them here. There’s no place safer, I guess, and Ross just swept this place, so he can’t do it again. We’ll stall him—Friday, can you do something to his car?”

“Rerouting him to the Statue of Liberty right now,” Friday says. “Perhaps it will remind him of his true duties and requirements as Secretary of State.”

“Beautiful, Friday! I love you!” Toni exclaims, blowing kisses to her AI. “Maria?”

Maria is looking slightly amused as she nods. “I’ll get them out of here, to the jet, Toni.”

“I’m on my way,” Toni says, hurrying to hide the files and folders on her screens quickly.

“Wait, Toni?”

“Yeah?”

“You accidentally gave me a new car,” Maria says.

Toni blinks, frowns to herself, before she shakes her head. “That wasn’t an accident. It’s—it’s a present.”

Maria stares at her, her eyes wide. “Toni. You bought me a _Maserati_.”

“Did you want a Jaguar, instead?” Toni asks, her brows furrowed together. “I mean, Friday says that you like Maseratis, but you also looked up Jaguars, too—shit, I knew we should have got—,”

“No, no, Toni,” Maria hurries to stop her. “It’s too much. I can’t accept such an expensive car.”

Oh, that’s what she was worried about? Toni breathes a sigh of relief.

“It’s fine,” she says brightly, waving away her protests. “It’s just a present. Like a thank you, for helping. In the hospital.”

And it’s also an incentive to stay, but that’s between her and Friday.

But Maria looks like she might cry, her gaze tilted to Toni. “I’m just doing my job, Toni,” she says delicately. “What you’re _paying_ me to do. And—and thank you, so much for the gift, you and Friday both, but I can’t accept this. You’ve—you’ve already done so much for me, with all my loans and the house and now this?”

“But you deserve it,” Toni says, blinking. “You’re doing a great job.” She frowns. “I don’t understand. Pepper never said no. Until the bunny. I think she just wanted more jewellery. Do you want jewellery? Is that—,”

“No, no,” Maria says quickly, shaking her head. “I don’t want anything, Toni. Really.” She lets out a breath, before she frowns a little. “You’re okay, right? It’s not like—before? Nat said that you gave away a ton of stuff when you had that palladium poisoning scare.”

A brief flitter of panic rises up Toni’s chest at the reminder, as she pauses. When she’d been dying, she thinks. The question is strange, to her. Nobody has asked her if she’s okay, unless they’re doctors. Unbidden, Toni thinks of that doctor in Siberia. Dr Iva. She’d been nice to her, even let Toni hack into a few of the servers to stop the hospital directors from charging obscene amounts of money in the children’s ward.

Toni shakes her head. “No. It—I’m fine,” she says uncertainly. “I just—I wanted to give you a present.”

Maria’s face softens. “You have to stop giving me things,” she tells her, voice delicate and quiet. “I know you want to thank me, but just saying the words is enough for me, believe me.” She pauses, biting her lip, hesitating a little before she continues. “I also know that you giving people things is how you try to get them to stay. I’m not going anywhere, Toni, I’m not going to leave. I promise.”

“You shouldn’t make promises you can’t keep,” Toni says weakly, but she’s smiling a little.

“I keep all my promises,” Maria rebuffs, a small smile on her face. “I promised to find Rumlow’s recipe for those smoothies, didn’t I?”

“I still maintain that Rumlow makes better smoothies,” Toni says, shrugging. “Sorry. I don’t make the rules.”

But as she leaves the workshop, something within her heart lightens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we finally got Vision! I tried my best to piece out what he'd be feeling, so I hope that you liked him. I always found Vision and Jarvis so interesting and I always wanted to know what Tony felt towards Vision. His entire existence was because of Jarvis, who Tony loved. I think the dynamic between Vision and Toni's bots also says something - they see him as a traitor because, in their eyes, he abandoned Toni when he left. I think it also is confusing for Toni who loves Jarvis and hasn't been given the time to properly grieve his death a second time around, so I wanted to give her that in this chapter. I hope that you liked it.
> 
> And Stephen Strange is here! Finally, some plot. I liked writing the two, because Toni always puts her foot in her mouth and Stephen just doesn't have time for anything, so it was fun for me to write them lol. And something's happening in the atmosphere, too, which could maybe link to the soulmark, so we'll see :D
> 
> The Langs and the Bartons are also coming over, thanks to Ross, which is gonna be fun. But it's Maria, who I enjoyed writing here in the last part. Their friendship is slowly evolving, painfully slow but it's happening. I think it says something about how Toni's so used to buying the affections of the people around her, but Maria refuses it, so I hope that you liked it. 
> 
> Thank you all again for reading the story and I hope you enjoyed it! :D


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and for reading the story. I'm so grateful for every one of you and I just don't deserve all your wonderful comments! I'm always grateful for critiques and character analysis, so please, feel free to give me your thoughts and ideas on the story, I don't mind in the slightest!
> 
> Happy holidays! And enjoy! :D

“Hey, you think something’s wrong with the Captain?” Scott asks him, just before they watch Toni Stark bolt out of her workshop, still struggling to pull on her coat and shoes, and tumble heavily into a car that starts without her even touching the wheel.

Scott gapes. “The fuck was _that_?”

Sam’s jaw has dropped.

“I think something’s wrong with _Stark_ ,” he says, before his gaze narrows on the billowing dust that Stark leaves in her wake. Something like concern bleeds through his voice. “Is she— _supposed_ to be here? She was in the hospital only a few days ago.”

He never watched her fall, but he heard Natasha’s screams, saw Clint’s face, felt Steve’s pain. Wanda’s been sick with guilt, refusing to talk to anyone, even Steve, keeping herself locked in her room. He hears her crying in the night sometimes, guilt writhing through his stomach. Sam had thought it was because of her brother, but Natasha says that she feels guilty for what happened to Stark and Vision. Sam doesn’t really know much of what happened, but he knows Vision is back and he remembers Wanda staring at the floor of the Compound for the longest time.

Vision hasn’t stepped foot in the Compound, still. Sam thought the android was still in the hospital, for Toni. Maybe not.

“Toni’s back?” Clint pokes his head out of the kitchen, his mouth filled with his sandwich. His face creases with concern. “She’s not supposed to be out of the hospital so soon.”

Sam pulls a face of disgust. “Man, where are your manners? Were you raised in a barn?”

“Circus, actually,” Clint corrects, baring his teeth.

“No excuse to act like an animal.”

“Back and gone again,” Scott says, leaning out of the window to watch. “Where do you think she went?”

“Fri?” Clint asks, but they’re all rolling their eyes at each other.

They all know the answer.

Friday never says anything about Stark to them, not even if Steve pleads. She’s fiercely loyal and protective but her voice is often clipped now when she addresses them. Sam feels a little weird about it, because he remembers being awed at the technology when he first became an Avenger, when he first came into the Compound. He and Friday got along well too, with her helping him to prank Bucky. But now, it’s like they’re strangers.

Sam’s not an idiot.

He knows it’s because of the Accords fiasco but there’s something in the way Stark looks at them sometimes that strikes his suspicion. The way Steve quiets sometimes and when Sam had tried to ask after Bucky’s new arm, the super soldier had shut him down promptly in a way he’s never addressed Sam before. His first proper glimpse of the Winter Soldier, he guesses.

He’s got a feeling that maybe something _more_ happened in Siberia that Stark and Steve aren’t telling them, but Sam’s not sure _what_.

Friday answers promptly, “I’m not liable to—I am liable to say, as this includes Mr Barton and Mr Lang. Boss has left to stall Mr Ross from searching the Tower, where currently, Ms Hill is taking Mrs Barton, the younger Bartons, Mrs Lang, and the younger Lang out.”

Sam stills in fear, but Clint and Scott have straightened immediately. His face turning ashen, Scott almost falls out of the window, but Clint’s already out of the kitchen, his shoulders tense.

“ _Cassie_ —,” Scott begins, his voice hoarse.

“Friday, what happened?” Clint demands, pushing past the tables to get to the weapons room. “What’s Toni doing? What’s happened to my family?”

“Boss has everything under control,” Friday repeats. “I would advise that you stay here. If you try to leave, you will only ruin things for Boss and Ms Hill. They have done this before, I assure you.”

“Damn it, Toni!” Clint gets out angrily, just as the doors to the workshop slide open. He’s pacing furiously, clenching his fists, but that’s the expression of a father’s worry on his face, Sam knows. “Friday, are they okay? What’s happening? Is Ross at the Tower?”

“They are safe,” Friday says, as Sam watches Stark’s robots buzz their way out. “Again, Mr Barton, I am telling you. If you try to leave, you will put their lives at risk.”

She pauses, just as the sounds of an airplane hit the air around them, Sam’s shoulders tensing. Scott and Clint fumble madly to get to the window, bolting as Sam realises the Stark jet is here. _Stark works fast_ , he thinks absently, admiringly.

“Is that them?” Scott asks breathlessly, his voice desperate. “Friday, are they safe?”

“Yes, Ms Hill is landing the jet—,”

Both Clint and Scott have bolted out of the Compound before Friday has finished talking, faces consumed with worry. Sam eyes the windows where the racing blades of the jet are cutting swiftly through the grass, the place burning up in brown dust and jade-green stems. He’s worried for them, but his gaze lingers on the bots as they move out of the workshop, bewilderment sinking through him.

“Friday?” Sam asks, as the bots push past him. “Are they… supposed to come out?”

“Boss requested they arrange things for the Bartons’ and the Langs’ stay,” Friday says evenly.

But there’s something in her voice, as though she’s annoyed that he had the gall to ask. Where did all this bitterness come from? Sam wonders it, his mind reeling as one of the bots almost runs him over. This can’t all have simply stemmed from the Civil War, as the media’s calling it. Friday can’t be so angry with them for simply refusing to stay by Stark’s side?

He knows that Stark programmed her to be loyal, but there were always moments where Friday would have flashes of her own cheeky personality filtering through her words. Sam would have thought her a real person, had he not known the truth.

“That… that was nice of her,” Sam says faintly as he walks through the hallway.

“Boss is a nice person,” Friday tells him defiantly.

It’s the longest conversation he’s had with Friday, since they got back. The fact that she even answers him at all makes him realise that something is very, deeply wrong.

“Sam?” Steve’s face is creased. Sam realises faintly as he turns his head, that he looks _terrible_ —well, as terrible as a supersoldier can look. “Is everything okay? What’s Toni’s jet doing here?”

“Stark bought Clint and Scott’s families here,” Sam says. “Hey, uh, Steve?”

“Yeah?”

Sam takes a brief moment to assess Steve. To _really_ look at the guy.

The serum works wonders, but Sam can immediately tell that the poor Captain is bone-tired. They’ve spent enough time together, after all, he thinks, as he eyes the way Steve’s cheeks are unshaven and his hair is a little dishevelled. He’s fidgeting, too, looking strangely uncomfortable in the place that he’d been yearning to return to for months. Steve sees the Compound as his _home_ , Stark as _family_ , and yet, now that they’re back, things still don’t seem right.

“On the—the Raft, remember I told you that I told Stark where to go?” Sam asks, and that’s when he sees it.

Steve straightens immediately, his shoulders growing taut and defensive. It’s the exact same look he’d affected when they’d asked him about Siberia before, but something’s a little different in the way he looks now. Sam realises that Steve’s gone _pale_ , his fingers pulling at his clothes.

“I told you, Sam, that I don’t blame you for telling Toni a thing,” Steve begins again.

Shaking his head and eyeing Steve carefully, Sam clears his throat. “No, it’s not—not that,” he says. “But you always said that Stark was the one to help us out of the Raft, right? How’d you know?”

A fondness affects Steve’s small smile, though something like guilt pulls the corner of his lips down. His face is strained in a way that Sam knows well. It’s his _Toni-Stark_ look, Sam’s dubbed it, the one where Steve is both affectionate and tired all at once, the one where he’s smiling, but his eyes are dimmed. Sam knows that Steve loves Toni, but he’s hard-pressed to think that the affections are reciprocated.

Steve’s always the one talking about family, but even before the Civil War, Stark always wanted to do things by herself. Sam knows this. He’s _seen_ this. Stark created Ultron without telling the others, always runs Steve ragged by rushing headfirst into trouble without checking in with the rest of the team. Even in the Avengers, Stark can’t help but steal the spotlight.

He understands it, in a weird way, Sam guesses.

When you have so much going for you, so many people to tell you _yes, Ms Stark, anything you want, Ms Stark, three cherries on top, Ms Stark_ , it’s going to be a bit of a slap in the face to have one of the greatest American patriots come back to life to take your spot. Steve’s everything Stark isn’t, and Sam wouldn’t blame Stark in the slightest if she was jealous.

But that doesn’t mean she’s worthless. Stark is a valuable team member. Stubborn, like Steve, with the right intentions, and willing to do what’s right. And loyal, to a fault. Throwing herself in front of Vision proved that. Just because they’d had different opinions on the Accords didn’t mean that Sam couldn’t see Stark’s reasoning. Besides, she ended up being right, didn’t she?

But he won’t agree to the team being split apart because of Stark’s jealousy, because of Stark’s inability to work in a team. And now, with this gaping chasm the size of the Grand Canyon wedged between them, Sam wonders if Stark will ever let them go back to the way it once was.

“It’s what Toni would do,” Steve says eventually, and there’s something in his voice when he speaks. “She’s always looked out for us, always done what’s right. Even—even with the Accords, she only ever thought of us.”

Sam thinks of Bucky, with his arm shot to bits, of Steve with blood soaking his face, of Natasha hobbling into Wakanda. Then he thinks of Stark herself, the way she’d screamed in the hospital room. Natasha swore she’d called out for Stane to stop, but Sam thought differently.

He knows it’s stupid, but he thought, for a single stupid second, that she was crying out for _Steve_.

“Yeah,” Sam says still strangely dissatisfied. He looks at Steve and for another single stupid second, he wonders if Steve is hiding something. Then Sam blinks and clears his throat. Where’d _that_ come from? “I—I guess so.”

.

.

Natasha is in the training room when the Bartons and Langs arrive.

She’s relentless as she moves, punching out her frustration in a series of quick jabs to the punching bags as they swing heavily. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Natasha vaguely registers a quiet note to talk to Steve, because he hasn’t been looking very good lately. Most of the time he’ll punch out his feelings, but Friday tells her that Steve hasn’t set foot in the training room and it’s getting her slightly worried.

Most of the Avengers haven’t been doing so well, lately, Natasha thinks. She lands another punch to the bag, almost splitting it.

Toni’s still in the hospital, last time she checked. The Stark woman has a tendency to refuse to just stay _still_ , so Natasha is checking on Toni as discreetly as she can, over the days. But while Toni can sleep as soundly as the pain medications let her, the rest of them aren’t so lucky.

Clint’s told her about his suspicions that something’s deeply wrong with Toni, but that’s something Natasha already knows. Toni’s a smart woman—one of the smartest people Natasha knows. If something’s wrong, she can hide it well. But even the smartest people can be utterly blind to spies like them.

Her mind continues to flicker over Toni’s ashen face, how hurt she had been in the fight, the way she’d _screamed_.

The way she’d screamed when she saw Natasha.

Natasha still sees it. Toni’s eyes had blown open in the madness of the hospital room, amidst Maria and Friday’s calls, had settled on Natasha, and she’d looked so terrified that it cut Natasha to her core. Was it _her_? Did the Black Widow put that fear in Toni’s eyes?

Her mind reels over the past few months, over and over again as she roves memories. Trying to discover that moment where the fracture between herself and Toni had split apart, had turned into Toni _fearing her._ She’d asked Toni whether she was okay, checking on the woman to make sure that she’d be alright in Rhodey’s hands before she left for Wakanda. Natasha knew that Toni would be able to get up after the Civil War debacle; Toni’s strength is something that Natasha admires immensely.

She’s stronger than the Black Widow, that’s for sure. Natasha had been on her knees in the Red Room, had crawled out, crying and soaked in blood, but Toni would have breezed it, she thinks sometimes. The world has a tendency to throw a lot at the Stark woman and it’s more than Natasha could handle, but Toni just keeps going. It’s that ability to adapt, to work with what she’s got, that has made her invaluable as an Avenger.

But it’s her compassion that makes her Nat’s _friend_.

“Nat?”

Wanda’s voice is small, as Natasha’s head snaps up immediately. The Sokovian girl’s gaze lingers on Natasha’s hands, where she registers a vague twinge of pain before it blooms out hard. She’s bleeding from her knuckles, having split the punching bag long ago, and Natasha realises that she’s punched the wall.

“Are you—are you okay?” Wanda asks, from the doorway.

This is the first time Wanda’s been out of her room since the mission. Natasha ignores the violent pain from her hands— _she’s had worse, it’s all_ _fine_ —and gives the girl a small smile.

“I’m okay,” she says, keeping her distance.

_Don’t spook her. Keep still. Let her come to you._

Natasha holds back a wince. Even now, Ivan Petrovich’s teachings haunt her.

“You’re bleeding,” Wanda points out. She pauses, as if to ask why, and Natasha is immensely grateful when she doesn’t. “Do you want me to wrap it up?”

“Yeah, that would be nice, Wanda,” Natasha says, as she seats herself on the bench.

She doesn’t really need medical attention, can heal this all by herself. The Red Room would only help if they thought that she’d fought well, that she was an asset worth keeping. Natasha fought, tooth and nail, to make herself an asset worth keeping.

Her back stays ramrod-straight, but when Wanda nears, Natasha forces herself to relax, to look as comforting and reassuring as possible. She keeps an eye out around the room, a habit by now. A habit she’d lost in the safety of the Compound, in the sanctuary that Toni had provided them, and promptly picked back up again in Wakanda. Wanda is already moving to her, her fingers wrapped around the first aid box resolutely.

Wanda’s eyes are red-rimmed, her fingers strangely stiff in a vaguely familiar way that makes Natasha think of broken fingers badly healed, of the ballet studio where she’d practiced for days and nights, of Ivan’s smile that wasn’t really ever a smile. Ivan is dead, rotting in the ground, Natasha has to remind herself. Her stomach clenches uncomfortably, but Natasha keeps the smile present on her face, making her face soften.

“Is this okay?” Wanda is asking quietly, as she wraps the bandage tightly around Natasha’s knuckles.

She winces slightly, a brief crease of pain blooming across her features that Natasha wouldn’t have noticed if she wasn’t the Black Widow. Natasha’s gaze lingers carefully, notes the large red shawl wrapped around Wanda’s form, the way the Sokovian shakes a little.

“It’s fine, Wanda. Thank you,” Natasha murmurs, briefly grateful, for the anti-septic _does_ help. “What happened to your fingers?”

Wanda tenses, as expected, a defensiveness crawling over her features, but the girl’s back curls in on herself as though she hopes to be swallowed by her shawl. She is trembling, and Natasha stays very careful, her gaze lingering on her fingers, watching for any stray tendrils of red, any soft curls of scarlet.

“It—it _hurts_ , Natasha,” Wanda tells her, her voice cracking slightly as she offers her bruised fingers up for inspection. Her voice is accented in soft Sokovian when she is vulnerable, the accent shifting her tone. “I—I didn’t know what to do.”

Natasha thinks briefly of Toni’s terrified face when she’d tried to help, thinks now of the way Wanda openly gives her hand to look over. The thought of Toni’s face makes a ripple of unease curl her stomach. She takes care of Wanda, takes care of them all. But what makes Toni think that she’s a threat?

“It’s okay,” Natasha says, her voice soothing and careful. “They’re just a little bruised, for now. You’ll be okay.”

She realises faintly that she’s using the same tone Ivan taught her using those old grainy Disney movies and clears her throat. Years, and she’s never been able to claw back the remains of herself, even still.

“It—it happened when—when—I didn’t mean to hurt her, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone, Natasha,” Wanda tells her, starting to cry helplessly. “I swear it, I do. I just—I saw the—it was like I was back, back in the—scared and the—chains and the—the—it was choking me, and I couldn’t—can’t breathe—,”

She’s having a panic attack, Natasha realises, surging forwards to reach for the girl’s trembling arms. Red trails from Wanda’s arms automatically, as if to protect the Sokovian girl, and though Natasha’s hackles raise at the sight of the red tendrils, she forces herself to fight through this one. She has to be here for Wanda, she thinks to herself resolutely.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Natasha says immediately, her heart fluttering up a storm in her chest. “Wanda, listen to me. You’re not there anymore. You are no longer in the Red—in the Raft. You’re here, with me. In the Compound. It’s safe. You’re safe. Breathe with me, now. Breathe.”

Slowly, Wanda starts to breathe again, but her eyes are still flown open in alarm and Natasha thinks of Toni’s face yet again. She looks panicked and terrified all at once, breathing with Natasha who is as soft as she can be without falling back into the Red Room again.

Wanda’s voice shakes. “I don’t—understand, why—,” 

“You were triggered by the gauntlets,” Natasha tells her gently, a stray slip of Russian shifting her voice. She clears her throat, reaches to push back a stray lock of red hair behind Wanda’s ear. “It’s understandable, given your experiences in the Raft. Friday tells me that you had a panic attack and you lost control.”

“A panic attack?” Wanda blinks at her in confusion, her brows furrowed. “What—,”

“Toni brought out something that reminded you of the collar in the Raft,” Natasha explains. “It made you panic and lash out in defence. You can’t be held responsible for that. Hurting Toni, however…”

It takes a considerable amount of effort for her to keep the accusatory tone out of her voice. Wanda had hurt Toni and she knows, logically, she didn’t mean to. But it doesn’t mean that Toni still wasn’t in the worst kind of pain imaginable because of it, Natasha thinks. It’s not the reason why Toni made that terrified face at Natasha, but it’s the cause of that pain.

Wanda’s face creases with guilt, her brows furrowed. “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” she says, her voice cracking. “I—I heard her in the hospital. She—I didn’t mean to do that to her, Natasha. I’m so sorry.”

Wanda is still new to this, but Toni was one of her oldest friends. It takes more effort than Ivan would be proud of, for Natasha to keep her feelings in check. Steve would have been kinder to Wanda, would have been more gracious. But Natasha’s always been a selfish, wretched thing.

“You still did it,” Natasha tells her, trying very hard not to sound harsh. “Wanda, I know you feel bad. But just feeling bad is not enough. You put Toni in hospital. You stopped the arc reactor. She could have _died_. That would have been another person on your ledger.”

The Sokovian girl’s face is pale, her fingers shaking.

“What do I do, Natasha?” she asks, her voice strained with desperation. “How do I say sorry to Vision and Toni? How do I fix this?”

Natasha thinks back to the way Toni’s face had slowly shifted into something like peace in the hospital room, when the doctors dosed her. Her heart is still a thunderous thing in her chest, her worry for Toni almost drowning her. Ivan would be very displeased with her, she thinks.

Then she remembers what Toni had once told her, when they’d gotten drunk on peach schnapps one night. Toni had bounded up behind the bar and challenged them both to make mojitos in under two minutes, claiming she would win because she’d learned in MIT. Natasha had found herself compartmentalising it before she’d stopped herself, realising she didn’t have to, and instead Toni had made Natasha laugh more than she had in years.

It was difficult for Natasha to get very drunk, but she’d enjoyed the slight buzz, the ease and comfort that Toni’s mere presence provided, the way Toni had prattled on about whatever new invention she’d been working on. Something within her had breathed a sigh of relief and she’d confessed how grateful she was that she didn’t have to spy anymore.

_“Ivan would be so angry with me_ ,” she’d told Toni. _“With what I have become.”_

Toni had lifted her head, her gaze fierce. “ _Good. You’re more than the Black Widow, Nat. Don’t forget that.”_

How she loved Toni.

How she’d _hurt_ Toni.

Natasha’s stomach clenches uncomfortably. Wanda is still looking up at her, desperation clinging to her features. There’s a desperate affection that aches in Natasha, yearns for some semblance of the friendship she’d once had with Toni.

“I don’t know,” Natasha confesses, her voice a half-whisper. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

.

.

James watches Clint and Scott bring in their families, their desperation hanging still in the air.

The children are all mostly asleep, which accounts for the lack of noise, but their wives aren’t saying a word to either Clint or Scott. The Soldier is deeply amused, but James feels a little bad. For Clint and Scott’s families, not them. Laura and Maggie’s scowls are almost permanently etched onto their faces, and it’s almost enough to derail James from his own cacophony of thoughts.

His head is pounding, a furious, beating thing.

It’s something he’s partly grateful for—and the other half of him just wants to take out the guns he’s stashed away on his person and empty the bullets into his head. He’s grateful, because when Hydra had him, his head was empty, deathly quiet in a way that echoes the same calls as a graveyard. The Winter Soldier had been a walking menace, a killing machine. Now that James has been brought back to life, back from the edge, his mind reels and echoes and _lives_.

And yet, his head won’t stop just _thinking_.

Over and over, thoughts fly through his mind, pounds his skull, cracks him apart where he stands. The bullets in his gun will make it all stop, though. That much, James knows for sure. The Soldier rumbles a little under his skin, a breathless, protective whisper. If he dared to eat a bullet, to draw his heart open with a knife, the Soldier’s fury would be enough to shake the Compound to its core.

James’ gaze lingers on Laura Barton, who is now speaking in hushed, furious whispers with her husband.

_Soon-to-be ex_ , the Soldier thinks. But James isn’t so sure.

The way Laura Barton is talking, her fingers shaking, the crack in her voice when she tells Clint Barton, “ _They burned our house, Clint!”_ It is the beginnings of a breakdown. He recognises breakdowns.

Clint’s face creases in horror and guilt. For a moment, James thinks the archer might be sick, his face ashen. He takes his wife into his arms as she sobs helplessly, falling apart, and James turns away.

He eyes the mug of steaming coffee on the gleaming kitchen counter. A taste of bitter guilt continues to settle longer, uncomfortably, in his mouth every time he does anything in the Compound now. This is the one argument the Soldier will not refute. James and he completely agree, every time they strap the arm back on. They do not belong here. They do not deserve this sanctuary, not after all they have done.

For the Soldier might try to take all the blame, but James won’t let him. Hydra forced their hands and the world, including Toni Stark, suffered for it.

Shadows flicker against the walls as Clint takes his wife away, but James doesn’t move. The kitchen is limned in moonglow, silvery glimmers shining against the shiny surfaces, and he is cradled in the dark shadows. They’re both waiting for Toni to get back, though James won’t admit it to anyone, not even the Soldier. He knows that they’re probably the last people Toni wants to see, but he can’t keep the tension from brimming through his body until he sees her again.

Just to make sure she’s alright, that’s all.

He knows that she’s terrified of Ross, knows that despite her fears, she’ll do what needs to be _done_. If Toni Stark makes a promise, James knows that she’d tip the world on its axis just to make sure she keeps it.

The Soldier ripples under his skin, a restless thing. He’s an annoying figure most times, but James reciprocates his worries when it comes to Stark. His mind brings up those gauntlets she uses to hide her soulmark once more, racking his thoughts over and over. It can’t be too big of a soulmark, but he’s certain that he might have seen slips of it—maybe in Siberia.

_Could be ours_ , the Soldier insists.

James holds himself back from rolling his eyes. The Soldier has now grown a new obsession: the devastatingly beautiful Toni Stark. He wants her soulmark to be theirs, and sometimes when he sees Toni’s face, the way she works, her selflessness, her compassion, James wouldn’t mind it either.

But he knows that’s impossible.

_Idiot_ , James grunts. _She can’t be ours—we killed her parents. And we don’t even remember what ours looks like._

His soulmark had been on the arm that Hydra had taken from him, a vague blur in his patchy memories. James can barely remember what image it had taken, the idea of it distorted in his mind. Even the Soldier doesn’t know. But that’s not enough to derail him, apparently. Every time the Soldier sends thoughts to him, they’re always tinged with affections underlying Toni Stark.

His other personality has a crush now.

It’s partly annoying, because James knows he could fall for Toni, too, and so easily too. Toni has a tendency to do that, to make it easy for people to love her. But it’s a dangerous thing. Soulmark or no soulmark, Toni Stark wouldn’t accept them if they were the last people in this hell of a world.

James knows that he has to keep them away from Toni. She’s made it only too clear that their presence alone is detrimental to her, even if she might invite him into the workshop. He’s found that Toni talks a lot of bullshit, but there’s snippets and slips amidst that bullshit. As he hasn’t known her long, he can’t always sift through what she means to say, but James isn’t an idiot.

No person in their right mind would want their parents’ killer living in their home, their safe space.

Another shadow is cast fleetingly against the wall.

James doesn’t bother to move, holds his shoulders still. He knows the figure, from the broad line of his shoulders, the loping gait.

“Shit, man,” Sam says, looking vaguely startled as he rounds the corner into the kitchen. “You scared me.”

His fingers scrabble against the wall, pressing the light switch automatically. They could ask Friday, but nobody wants to risk it. Sam grimaces at the sudden flush of fluorescent light flooding the place, but James shifts slightly, an uncomfortable feeling tugging at his gut. He’s starkly reminded once more of just how different he is, in comparison to them all.

The Winter Soldier was once a machine and it’s difficult for a machine to unmake itself.

James can’t do the normal human things that Steve and the others can. He doesn’t flinch, he’s still as stone sometimes, and when he speaks, his gravelly voice makes at least one person—usually Scott—jump. He’s barely a machine, thanks to Princess Shuri, but he doesn’t know if he is a man now either. The Soldier bristles against him, not liking the turn of his thoughts, dark and protective as ever.

Sam is rummaging through the cabinets, searching for something to help him sleep. He’s awkward and hesitant when he does so, as though he knows this is not his place. The Falcon is like the others; they can barely get comfortable in the Compound. Unlike Natalia and Steve, Sam understands the bad taste in his mouth, realises it to be guilt.

“You doing okay, man?” Sam asks. “Your—uh, your drink’s gone cold.”

He almost corrects the man, almost tells him that it’s not _his_ drink. It’s the coffee James found himself making for Toni, though he knew, logic pounding through his skull, that there wasn’t a chance in hell that she’d pick it up.

“I can’t sleep either,” James tells him, because Sam’s funny and he’s a bit of an asshole, but at least he’s the one whose company James, and the Soldier, can somewhat tolerate. “Don’t worry. I won’t pry into your _falcon_ business.”

For a moment, Sam frowns before his words properly hit.

The man winces before he lets out a short chuckle. “Motherfucker,” he says with an ease that James _envies_. “At least I’m not the one sitting here _owl_ by myself.”

“Fuck, you’re terrible,” James tells Sam, who rolls his eyes.

“Your ass still owes me a new steering wheel. Actually, you can just get me a new car.”

“You’re still pissed over that? You bitter fuck, it’s been years—,”

“Man, shut up,” Sam says, but he’s chuckling as he pulls out a carton of milk. He pours some into a white glass. “You want some? It’s good with honey.”

“Nah,” James mutters, shaking his head.

Taking anything from Toni’s kitchen—for it was _all_ Toni’s, no matter how much Steve preached about togetherness and family; James only saw the Stark name on the bills—always left him with a bitterness in his mouth. Sam pauses briefly, his fingers pressed to the kitchen counter beside the glass of milk. He doesn’t touch it, his brows furrowed.

“You think something’s wrong with Steve?”

“What, am I running a fucking clinic here?” James says, his voice rough, unusually defensive. “How’m I supposed to know what goes on in his head anymore?”

He’s always a little on edge over Steve these days. The Soldier hates it, hates the rush of memories—a wimpy little kid who picked fights everywhere, of hacking coughs, newspapers stuffed in shoes—that always blooms every time James thinks of Steve. It’s no surprise that the Soldier doesn’t like Steve, but _James_ does. He thinks he does anyway.

At first, James had grasped these memories like a lifeline.

The first things he’d remembered once he’d been free of Hydra’s thrall, and it had been Steve, Steve, _Steve_. He’d known nothing else but vague, blurred scenes of Brooklyn as though his mind had been dipped into the East River and come up distorted. But Steve’s face filtered through those murky memories, always. And with it, came the rush of affection, the unconditional love James always knew for Steve.

_I’m with you till the end of the line_ , he’d once said, but when does it all end?

Sometimes when he looks at Steve now, James doesn’t recognise the man he’s become.

“I was just asking,” Sam says, raising his hands in surrender. “It’s just—the guy’s been looking a little tired, lately. That’s all.”

That’s _not_ all, James knows instantly. Sam’s looking thoughtful, his brows furrowed in concern and defence all at once. There’s more thoughts flitting about in the birdbrain, and James has a feeling he knows what they consist of.

“I don’t blame him,” James mutters. “This place—it’s…”

He trails off, but Sam nods, something like understanding lighting up his features. “Yeah,” he says in agreement. “I—uh, was thinking of leaving.”

James’ gaze snaps up to the Falcon, easy and tense as ever. His mind reels with what the Soldier told him, with the possibilities. Toni Stark and the choice she offered.

It had almost driven him crazy when he’d first learned about it. The moment he thinks he’s got Toni down, she goes and does something like this. His gaze turns to the bowl that’s always filled with plums now. James had thought it a cruel joke on Toni’s part, when he’d first seen it, but now he gets it. Apples or plums, she’d asked, and the Soldier fell for her faster than James had fallen off the train.

James had been consumed with the idea of it, though. Leaving this place. Leaving the Avengers. Going back to a simple life.

It had been a shitty apartment, with shitty furniture, but it had been _his_.

“Not the Avengers,” Sam says quickly, the unspoken question lingering between them. “But just—this place. It’s a bit—it doesn’t feel right anymore.”

Did it, ever?

James lifts his head and swallows thickly. Well. May as well say it to at least one person.

“Nah, I get it,” he tells Sam, whose relief overwhelms his face. “I, uh. Was thinking of the same.” Sam still thinks he means just leaving this place, James realises so he just says it out loud. “It was always Steve’s thing, you know. The whole Avengers gig, hero stuff, I guess. I didn’t even enlist. Didn’t want to leave the little idiot behind. Makes me a shitty person, I guess, but—,”

Sam’s staring at him. “You didn’t enlist?”

His lips quirk. “Fuck no, you think I’m crazy? War’s _shit_ ,” James says, his voice rough. “I don’t think my place is here, man.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Yeah?”

Hope lifts his chest a little, drags him out of that ever-present sludge of his ravaged mind. Sam is nodding.

“Your place is getting me a new car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Natasha, and Bucky, all in one. I enjoy all of these characters a lot, though I always feel like there's more to them than what we're often given. They're all starting to realise that things aren't quite right around the place. Sam's so funny, so I hope that I've written him well here, especially through his view of Toni. I really hope that you guys liked Natasha, too - though she's good to Wanda, she can't keep herself from wanting to defend Toni vehemently either. Bucky and Sam are starting to feel antsy in the Compound, both of them uncomfortable with everything piling up on them.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you so much for reading! :D


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting - I adore every single comment! This chapter's not as long as I wanted it to be, but eh, it doesn't matter. I hope you enjoy it :D

Natasha only hears the last of the Winter Soldier’s true wishes.

She’s up, too, impossibly restless the longer it takes for Toni to get back. Pacing anxiously in her set of rooms before taking to the barre once more to calm her tensions, Natasha had exhausted herself until every drop of stress within her had wrung itself dry. Her throat burns, parched, and restless, Natasha roams the softly lit hall towards the kitchen until she stills.

If she nears, the Soldier will know she’s there.

Natasha and the Winter Soldier are a strange thing, dancing on the lines between propriety and shared experiences. She still remembers the way he’d cracked her skull in the Red Room, the way Ivan had inclined his head in that way she knew meant either _you get up or we bury you_ and Natasha had had to get up or die, blood in her mouth. The way she—and none other, not any girl in that Room, not even Yelena—had grabbed that arm, had _pulled_.

She still remembers the crackling silver, the electricity sparking her fingers as she lay on the floor, the way the girls had screamed, the handlers scrambling. The cold metal solid in her shaking fingers, the parts of the arm and the gleaming star split apart. The Soldier had paused for a moment before lunging for her throat with his one good hand, and then chaos erupted, as Ivan screamed for her to be taken out. She’d been severely punished, Natasha remembers, her toes curling in discomfort, but it had been worth it.

The arm had been a prize and Ivan’s rare smile a bonus.

Then they’d strapped her down into the chair and blew up her mind until she was ready to go back into the circle with the Winter Soldier again. When they fought again, the Soldier left her a sprawling, broken mess on the ground, the copper taste of blood in her mouth.

_“You could at least remember me,”_ Natasha remembers, and wonders briefly why she’d never gone for his arm again.

“I, uh, don’t think I want to stay here,” she hears James Barnes say and her stomach drops.

_The Soldier is a threat; it is unwise to let him loose, Wakanda or no Wakanda_ , is her first thought.

_Poor Steve_ , is her second thought. _What do we do?_

It startles her, the swift movement of her thoughts, the uncertainty with which she stills. Natasha is very used to being right. To knowing what to think, what to do, how to act. She was trained by the best, chosen by Ivan Petrovich himself. Even long after the Red Room turned to dust, Natasha’s learned to depend only on herself and her instincts.

Now, she seems to be actively working against her own thoughts.

Natasha has never felt so uncertain before, not ever. All her instincts scream at her to tell Steve, to make sure the Compound is safe. To secure the Winter Soldier into a position where she can keep an eye on him and make sure that another opportunity to take his arm off doesn’t rise. And yet, a small whisper, tucked away in the back of her mind, wants to let him go.

She’s stilled long enough that both Sam and James have gone to bed, her mind still reeling. A cup of milk lies on the kitchen counter, forgotten, as Natasha nears it, her fingers trailing the cold rim of the glass.

It’s then the small sound of a car takes her attention.

Turning fast as possible, barely making a sound, Natasha moves. She’s completely noiseless, in that way that always unnerved Steve and the others, always subtly reminded them that she had a violent, brutal past before them. They never said a word about it, but Natasha’s not an idiot.

So, unlike Barnes, Natasha’s made a deliberate effort to work the effects of the Red Room away from her, to rub away the blank look that sometimes takes over her face when she’s thinking. She’s forced herself to walk properly, remembering bound feet and cracked toes with a wince, but even she can’t stop herself from slipping into the rigid posture of a ballerina sometimes.

When she makes it to the doors of the Compound, Natasha sees it’s only Toni.

The bots push past her, whirring in the silence, happy things amidst the emptiness as Natasha falls back without knowing why. Soft light brims over Toni’s figure as she gets out of the car, moving towards the steps of the Compound, the arc reactor an ever-present glow in her chest.

Toni is talking, as usual.

She’s always been a chatterbox, something that Natasha’s grateful for. She doesn’t often get comfortable with people as fast as Toni does, and everything she knows about social interaction came from the Red Room, as most things about her did. It’s taken her a long time to unmake what the Red Room made of her and even now, she’s haunted by the reminder of what she is, now. Is what she does something the Red Room taught her, or does she really want to do it?

It’s why Natasha had always been vaguely uncomfortable talking to people, unless it’s for a mission, but that didn’t seem to faze Toni at all when they’d met. Any awkwardness that emanated their conversations was promptly swept away by the Stark woman with a careless smile and sparkling wit.

“…hey, little darlings,” Toni is saying, her voice faint but filled with affection as the bots spin around her, obviously pleased. “Fri, did you guys fix up their rooms?”

“Laura Barton and Maggie Lang wished to express their gratitude, but Ms Hill advised them not to. The children fell asleep in the car,” Friday says, and it’s the way that she speaks to Toni that only serves to highlight the contrast between the Avengers and Toni.

It cuts Natasha, a bittersweet pull. For a moment, the way Toni smiles makes something like hope beat in Natasha’s chest. Her face softens in a way Natasha’s seen only a few times. She used to relax like that in their company sometimes, Natasha thinks, and her heart aches.

“Maybe I won’t donate you guys to NYU after all,” Toni is saying, before her words cut off suddenly. “You—,”

A small, helpless stutter escapes from Toni’s mouth as she stumbles on the steps, falling weakly to her knees. The arc reactor flickers in her chest, as Toni struggles to breathe, her cheeks ashen and her breaths rasping. Natasha is moving before she can stop herself, swift as she surges forward to Toni’s side.

Almost immediately, Toni reacts, her head snapping up.

This time, Natasha is close enough to see the splay of emotions flitter through Toni’s face. Brief shock, her eyes widening with horror, before she clams up immediately, pushing herself back to her feet though Natasha can see the intense pain she’s struggling through. Toni has instantly straightened, forcing out one of the smiles she usually gives to the press.

Toni is spiralling again, but this is nothing like what Natasha has seen before. Once more, her gaze lingers to the gauntlets latched protectively around her wrists. Toni’s expression is slowly shifting as she pushes the bots back inside the building, clearly keeping them away from her. It hurts Natasha more than she knows and she finds herself flinching because of it.

“Talking to Ross always has me feeling sick,” Toni says easily, by way of explanation, though her voice cracks a little. “Excuse me, Romanoff.”

“Toni,” Natasha manages to get out, her voice strangled.

Toni turns her head, her face perfectly impassive. “It’s been a long day—,”

“You should be at the hospital, Toni,” she says, and realises, from the way Toni blinks, that she’s _surprised_ her. She makes certain to keep her distance, her mind flashing with the terrified expression on Toni’s face, her fingers still shaking. “I don’t—is it the arc reactor? Is it hurting—,”

“Doing another evaluation?” Toni spits, bitterness clinging to her voice.

Irritation flares up briefly within her, before Natasha stamps it out. Toni is defensive, she thinks to herself. She lashes out when she’s like this.

“Toni, I just want to help,” she says honestly, her eyes wide.

“You can help by leaving me alone.”

“Toni, _please_.”

Natasha’s voice cracks. How disappointed Ivan would be.

Toni looks ready to turn her back, but she lets out a taut breath, swallowing thickly. A breathless relief almost overwhelms her when Toni lingers on the steps, making sure to keep a solid distance between them.

“Romanoff,” she begins. “I don’t know how many times I can say this. There’s no point rehashing the past. We are who we are now and it’s best if we just go along with things—,”

The relief is immediately overtaken by the sharp uncomfortable tug in her gut. Natasha can feel that she’s losing Toni, losing one of her oldest friends by the slip of her fingers. Her heart hurts, her head aches.

“No,” Natasha gets out, before realising that it was completely the _wrong thing to say_. “Toni, I didn’t—we can still—it doesn’t have to be like this, Toni, and you know it—,”

“You _chose Steve_ ,” Toni bites out furiously, her voice harsh enough to cut through Natasha. “When the worst came to worst, you _left_ me _._ You didn’t even hesitate, Romanoff. I saw the footage—,”

Natasha’s horror climbs in her throat, but she shakes her head. “I had to make a choice, Toni—,”

“You didn’t care for me at all,” Toni says, and some semblance of pain bleeds through her voice as she stares at Natasha. “You didn’t want me. Was I—was our friendship worth so little to you?”

Her stomach drops, but she’s desperate for Toni to understand. “Toni, it wasn’t about you,” she gets out. “It wasn’t about choosing between you and Steve. I was thinking for _our_ future, the future of the Avengers—,”

“So was I!” Toni exclaims angrily. “I would never make you choose something so stupid—I just wanted you to finally understand that—,” She breaks off, shaking her head. “No. No, I’m done. I’m _done_. I won’t forgive you, _ever_ , for what you did to me. I won’t forget it either. I wish I could. But I won’t. Because the moment you start being kind to me again, I’m going to remember how many seconds it took for you to stab me in the back again.” Her gaze narrows. “And then I’ll know better.”

“Toni, we have to work together—we’re a team—,”

“You’re not my team.” Toni glares at her. “Why do I have to forgive you for something that you haven’t even apologised for? That you don’t even regret?”

“It was an impossible choice—,”

“No. It really wasn’t,” Toni says angrily. “You either ask me if I want the injection or if I don’t.”

Natasha is actually speechless for a moment. Toni’s words bring up a soft rush of memories—of old days where Nick’s orders had been everything to her, her salvation, her redemption. The way Toni’s face had creased in brief pain and hurt when she saw Natalie Rushman turning into Natasha Romanoff for the first time. Toni is breathing hard, looking slightly uncertain.

It’s clear she never meant to say that, but it’s enough.

“I—I thought that you had gotten over that,” Natasha says, and her voice is so small Ivan must be howling from his grave. “We saved your life.”

“That wasn’t for you to decide,” Toni says through gritted teeth. Her fist clenches and once more, Natasha’s gaze lingers on the gauntlets. “You spent _years_ in the Red Room, Romanoff. You, of all people, should know what it’s like to have control of your own life taken out of your hands.”

This goes deeper than the Civil War, Natasha realises, as Toni turns her back to leave. She’s left, literally speechless, feeling as though she’d been struck across the face as realisation hits her harder than a bullet. Her mind is reeling, her thoughts fleeting, and for the first time, Natasha has no idea what to say.

She doesn’t know what to _do_.

Toni turns back, and the harsh glint in her eye is so angry and protective that Natasha’s mouth goes dry. “Oh, and this goes without saying. But touch Friday again and the Red Room will be child’s play by the time I’m done with you.”

.

.

Toni’s soulmark is bleeding again.

Red drips slowly on the pages about Thanos and she’s so sleep-deprived that it takes a moment for her to realise. The world around her blurs briefly when she turns her head, as Toni mumbles a low stream of swear words under her breath, half in Italian, half in English. She gives an annoyed huff of breath, before reaching to unclasp the gauntlet.

“For fuck’s sake…” Toni mutters, when the metal scratches her skin.

When she touches the gauntlet again, the world around her dies out. Toni lets out an exclamation, startled as she lifts her head. For a moment, she’s dizzy, before darkness overwhelms her vision completely.

_“Toni Stark… listen to me…”_

Her stomach drops at the whispering voice that seems to grow louder around her, as Toni tries to breathe. _Shit, not again—_

The entire workshop has fallen away, and it’s replaced by blackness. The endless expanse of black space, silvered stars gleaming in the distance around her, and it could be so beautiful, if she wasn’t fucking _terrified_. She can barely breathe, the stars gleaming endlessly, lighting up the rest of the ships and the armies that surround her completely.

Hundreds of thousands of ships, filled with Chitauri, ready for Thanos.

Ready for Earth.

_“Toni Stark… listen—,”_

“I’m—I’m listening, what the fuck do you—you want?” Toni gasps out, her voice hoarse and ragged.

Her soulmark is burning up a storm, and she knows it’s bleeding, but Toni is in the middle of an anxiety attack. Her chest feels like it’s caving in completely, the world around her has disappeared, and she is nothing amidst the expanse of black space. She’s in tears, exhaling breathlessly, her world closing up around her.

Then the voice changes.

The soft lightness melts away into something that holds a deeper baritone, a rough, gravelly thing. It’s more powerful, clearly stronger than the first voice because Toni can hear it clear in her ears as though whoever is speaking to her is standing right in front of her.

_“Toni Stark.”_

“You know me?”

_“Yes. Thank you, Toni Stark.”_

“Thanos,” she says, with crippling certainty.

It’s through sheer spite and determination that Toni forces herself to breathe properly, to lift her head and meet her nightmare head-on. Space echoes out in front of her, an endless gaping pit made up of her nightmares, but she focuses on the twinkling stars, exhales.

Why is he thanking her?

_“Give up, Toni Stark.”_

“What?”

_“I admire your tenacity, but it is futile. You must give up on finding the stones now and I will grant you your life. This is my only warning, borne of my gratefulness. I will not be merciful again.”_

Then, he’s gone, and Toni is waking up, bleeding out on her table, Friday’s panicked voice in her ears, the bots whirring around her.

“…please wake up, _wake up_!”

She’s still shaking, his voice echoing in her head as Toni pushes her boneless body up, helpless gasps of pain escaping her lips. Blood has soaked all the fluttering pages around her, as Toni moves back, stumbling to the ground. She’s so weak she can barely break her own fall, hitting the ground painfully as DUM-e and U hurry towards her with blankets and pillows. There’s a ringing in her ears and the world blurs briefly around her—

“It was a dream, Toni,” Friday is saying soothingly, as DUM-e plasters pillows around Toni. “Only a dream—,”

“Jarvis?” Toni breathes hotly, her eyes wide with brimming panic.

She’s bleeding profusely from her gauntlets and U is already clinking at the metal of the gauntlets worriedly, as Toni fights to gather herself once more. Her breaths are fraught, and her skin is feverish but against the cool ground and the soft pillows around her, Toni begins to finally calm down.

“It is not Jarvis, boss. It is me, Friday,” Friday says, and doesn’t that make Toni feel like a piece of shit?

“Sorry,” she manages to get out, her chest aching. “Shit, Fri, _sorry_ —,”

“It is okay. I am here,” Friday tells her reassuringly, but Toni still feels the discomfort wriggle in her gut. The AI continues smoothly. “You collapsed, boss. It was likely exhaustion—you _have_ been up for over twenty-four hours.”

“I’m sorry, Friday, I—,”

“You should eat something, boss.”

Friday’s concern leaks through her words, and for the first time, Toni realises that her AI has been growing _fast_. Faster than Jarvis ever did. Jarvis only sounded concerned like that after Afghanistan. It’s unfair of her to compare Friday to Jarvis, but Toni’s mind reels.

“Fri?”

“Yes, boss?”

“Are you alright?”

Toni doesn’t quite know how to phrase it and her words fall a little flat in the echoing emptiness of her workshop, unable to convey the depths of her worries successfully. Usually, she’ll do a weekly check-up on Friday, making sure that the AI is relatively alright and functioning well, that her systems are working in great condition. Friday’s smart enough to work fine by herself, but Toni’s starting to think of how she’d lied to the doctors and nurses about Maria being a primary contact, of how she’d threatened the Avengers with self-destruction, should they force their company on Toni again.

Most of the people around Toni know what they’re getting into, usually. Toni’s a little toxic for people, knows that normal people wouldn’t put up with her as long as Pepper or Rhodey have. She’d turned Pepper almost out of her own mind because of her antics and it’s likely that she’ll be pushing away Rhodey, too, once he wakes.

But Friday’s reactions seem to be borne of protectiveness. And Friday’s the only one who can see what’s been happening to her. Even Maria doesn’t know the true depths of her shitty mind. Toni’s gut clenches with guilt. What has she done to Friday?

“You are beginning to panic, boss,” Friday tells her, as Toni manages to get a hold of herself. “It’s alright. I know that you are worried for me. You don’t have to be. I have been growing faster, as a result of the recent situations, but I’m not Ultron. I will never hurt you, I promise, boss—,”

“Oh, Friday, I’d never think you anything like Ultron,” Toni says, her breaths fraught. “I’m just—shit, I don’t think I’m good enough to be around you. I’m a bit of a mess.”

“So is the rest of humanity, boss,” Friday tells her, as Toni snorts.

The amusement manages to calm her, push away the lingering anxieties as Toni runs a hand through her hair. “Shit, Fri. He was _there_ ,” she says, when the memories hit. “I think—he—he told me to back off.”

“Who?”

“Thanos. He’s giving me a choice to give up, the fucker.” Her brows furrow. “He thought I was looking for the infinity stones. How did he even know—which means he wants them, too. But for what?” Toni breathes hard, staring without seeing properly. Her gaze slowly turns to her gauntlets, her soulmark starting to heat up, brows furrowing together. “Fri, how many stories and experiments about soulmarks have we looked through?”

“Including the Romanian myths, Boss?”

“Including the Romanian myths.”

“Approximately 61,845, Boss.”

Toni lets out a taut hiss between her teeth before she pushes herself up properly. Her fingers slip past a few pillows as DUM-e buzzes at her, but Toni’s focus stays only on her soulmark. Her mind is reeling with brimming thoughts, ideas sparking up her head.

“And the ones where we found that Thanos is supposed to be some purple Titan? What was that, Norse mythology? Ancient Greek?”

“Mythology from an obscure tribe roughly translated to Mar Vel, Boss,” Friday says.

“If he is a purple Titan, then how—he knew my name,” Toni mutters, her eyes fixed on her gauntlet. “He knew me. And—there were two voices, Fri. If he’s the second, who’s the first?”

“Can you describe them, boss?”

“First one was—a woman, I think,” Toni says, furrowing her brows so hard that her head begins to ache. “And Thanos, obviously, the second.” She pauses. “Hey, DUM-e, pass me that screwdriver.”

Once she’s holding the screwdriver in her palm, Toni only pauses for a moment before she settles to unlatching her gauntlets. The metal shifts smoothly under her fingers, breaking apart easily and dropping to her lap. Toni uses a pillow to soak up the blood, the cushion lapping up the red, as DUM-e buzzes at her in annoyance. It stings, but Toni’s used to the chronic pain by now that it barely affects her anymore.

“I’ll buy you more, dunce,” she mutters, but as she sponges away the blood from her torn soulmark, her breath hitches.

It’s always a shock to see, the ripped skin flapping in the wind, the markings of the Captain’s shield pressed into the pale veins of her wrist, buried into her flesh. Blood continues to leak from her wrist, but Toni stumbles to her feet, pushing towards the table where she lays her arm down. She’s scrabbling for a pencil, scribbling out the mark onto some random papers when she sees it.

“It looks like…” Toni mutters, trailing away briefly before she snaps her head up to Friday. “Fri, scan this in for me.”

The bright blue light shines briefly against the scrap paper flittering from her fingers. Toni’s gaze narrows on it carefully, eyeing it wonderingly as her mind bursts with an idea that brims. Without asking, Friday displays the hastily drawn soulmark in the screen above her and Toni leans in, murmuring her thanks quietly, her focus fixed.

“There,” Toni says, stabbing at the screen, her breaths hitching. “That looks—fuck, Friday. It looks like—,”

She can barely say it, her eyes still wide.

For there, settled deep within the soft circle of the soulmark are loops. They’re nestled lightly within the edge of the mark, pressed so barely that Toni would never have known they were there. And not just any loops.

Loops that look unsettlingly like _chains_.

“Was that there before, Fri?” Toni gets out, her voice strangled. “Those—cross-examine that picture with the files Jarvis had, Friday. Were those there ever before?”

“No, Boss,” Friday tells her. She pauses, as Toni struggles to get herself together. “Boss, if I could add something?”

“Yeah?”

“The mark looks fractured, and not just because of the Incident,” Friday says, as Toni has dubbed everything in Siberia.

“What are you talking about?” Toni asks, but Friday’s already zooming into the mark carefully as it blows up on the screen. She peers at it, before her eyes widen again. “What the _fuck_.”

The chains aren’t just chains.

They’re _broken_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natasha's finally getting a clue and we finally start to realise just what happened when Toni destroyed her soulmark, yay! And Thanos made his appearance, albeit through a strange dream-thing. Toni and Friday's relationship is starting to splinter, but they love each other enough that it doesn't matter. The Mar Vel mythology tribe might sound cheesy, but I couldn't help myself, lol. And now we realise that Toni's soulmark had chains in them - what could it mean, lol? 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and have a great Sunday! :D


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra long chapter that I probably should have broken up, but it's been such a hectic week I haven't had the time! Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments and for taking the time to read my story. I'm so very grateful to every one of you, so thank you again.
> 
> I hope you've all had a great holiday and Happy New Year! :D

Morning dawns, and with it, Clint’s guilt.

His kids hate him, his wife hates him, and truthfully, he kind of hates himself, too. Clint wakes earlier than anyone else, stretching uncomfortably. Though the couch is top-quality, it’s still a couch. He casts a look back to the bedroom, where his wife and kids are still sleeping, his stomach clenching.

It doesn’t take him long to get to the kitchen where Clint starts making breakfast. He’s trying to be quiet about it, keeping an eye on everything and Toni’s workshop doors, too. They’re forever closed, which means he doesn’t know if Toni got home last night or not—and Friday isn’t talking.

“Clint?”

Clint turns his head. Natasha is quiet as she moves into the kitchen. He moves aside, and they slip into the same routine they’ve often been used to, carved over years of knowing each other. As she helps him with breakfast, the silence that falls over them is filled with tension and unsaid words.

“Laura and the kids seem okay,” she offers eventually when they’re plating up the eggs.

“No thanks to me,” Clint mutters, bitterness dripping from his mouth. He takes one look at the food on the table, feels his stomach turn.

Natasha’s hand brushes his, brief and affectionate. “Hey,” she says, her voice gentle. “They’re okay. That’s what matters, right?”

“They’re in this position, because of _me_ , Nat,” Clint tells her and the guilt clenches in his stomach, drags him down deeper. He lifts his head to look at her, ragged breaths escaping his lips. “God, Nat. I was supposed to protect them. I promised Laura that I’d get out of the job, and the moment Steve texts me, I’m back in, again. And _Toni’s_ the one who protected them. Even though I—God, I can’t stop thinking of the shit I said in the Raft. I was so—so mad I didn’t even think, Nat. And now I don’t know if things are ever going to get back to normal.”

For a moment, the silence lingers between them and when Clint looks to Natasha, he realises they’re both crying. How many missions had they both taken, how many times had they saved the world? How many times had stupid, evil villains tried to find their breaking points? And now, it turns out, it’s this.

Her breathing shaky as she tries to stem her tears, Natasha lifts her head. How many people had just looked at Natasha and written her off as the scary, quiet Russian? Even now, Sam sometimes makes quips about it, but Clint knows better. Natasha isn’t emotionless. It takes a lot for her to open up, but Clint knows how much she genuinely wants to.

How much Natasha had yearned for people to love, to love her _back_.

When she speaks, her voice is ragged with slips of Russian.

“I don’t know what to do, Clint. I don’t know how to help you,” she confesses. “Toni—Toni came back last night. I don’t think she’s doing well. The—the arc reactor and her—wrists. There is something there, Clint. But she won’t tell us, not now. Not ever. I don’t think she even likes us anymore.”

Clint had thought that the Avengers were their salvation, for them both. The Avengers had started to heal the cracks in their lives, just as Nick Fury had wanted. But somewhere along the way, something fractured deeper and now, they’re split apart, perhaps irrevocably so.

.

.

“Thanks, Clint,” come the quiet chorus as everyone shuffles sleepily into the kitchen. “Thanks, Nat.”

Steve isn’t very hungry, having spent most of his night pacing in his room. He’d tried to train, but the training rooms are in the back of the Compound, far away from the entrance. He wouldn’t be able to see when Toni came back, and every moment he’d exercised or punched, Steve’s anxiety had grown.

When she did come back, he’d wanted to go to her, but he’s starting to realise, vaguely, that it’s not what Toni wants.

Natasha had been there, too, trying to help Toni up from when she’d almost fallen and though Steve hadn’t been able to hear the conversation, he hadn’t been able to stop the ripple of frustration from him. Toni had brushed off Natasha’s offer of help, and though Steve understands, he’s also frustrated. Why can’t Toni just let them help her?

He rubs his neck as he drinks his milk, casting a sleep-ridden eye over the others.

They’re all quiet, for once, eating the food hesitantly. Bucky barely eats anything and though it spikes Steve’s worries, he knows it’s best not to push him for now. Natasha and Clint are communicating with their eyes and Steve won’t even try to get in the middle of that. Even Scott is quieter than usual, his gaze turning to the halls where his family still sleeps. Sam’s eyes are on Bucky and Steve wonders if he’s going to start their usual banter, but Sam doesn’t say anything. Wanda’s the only one still in her room and Steve makes a quiet note to remember to bring her up some breakfast.

“Clint? Scott?” Steve clears his throat. “Can I—talk to you guys?”

Scott’s face is tired, just like Clint, in a way that makes the guilt pull at Steve even more. He’s been restless all through the days and he knows he has a lot of things to put to rights. Starting with this.

“I wanted to apologise,” Steve begins. Scott looks surprised, but Clint only looks at him. “I shouldn’t have brought you into the fight.”

“Look, man—,” Scott begins.

“Where’s the apology, then, Steve?” Clint demands.

His voice spikes a little in his fury, before he crumples, shaking his head. Steve is left, startled at the sheer anger rippling in Clint’s voice, the gleaming tears in his eyes. Guilt wrenches through him, brimming under his skin, leaves him horrified. Steve stares at Clint, who is a heartbroken thing. What has he done to this team, this family?

“I’m sorry,” he manages to get out. “I shouldn’t have risked you like that. Shouldn’t have risked your families. I’m so sorry—,”

“It was our faults, too,” Scott says, his voice lowered. It’s an odd solemn look on the man who had made so many jokes in the beginnings of their friendship. “I—fuck, I could have died and then Cassie—Cassie never would have forgiven me.”

Steve looks at Clint, holding onto the strings of their friendship with trembling fingers, hope barely daring to bloom in his chest. Clint lifts his head and nods, his gaze briefly turning to the large, closed doors to Toni’s workshop.

“Yeah,” he says. “You didn’t make me come, Steve. That’s—shitty of me to do that to you, man. It was my decision, overall. Sorry, man.”

Steve clasps his shoulder, grateful when Clint offers him a small smile, for the slight reprieve Clint and Scott offer him. He knows that he’s mostly at fault, but there’s still some relief that they don’t blame him so much. He can work with that, he thinks, his throat dry.

It’s then the doors to the workshop open.

All heads swing forward to lift up, startled. Toni’s form is small against the large doors, her skirt and pressed blouse fluttering lightly in the soft breeze that the doors bring. Her hair is brushed to one side, perfect curls gleaming in the morning light, and when she lifts her head, her eyes are bright with intelligence, as ever. The bruises are purpling around the small slip of skin that’s exposed, and her gauntlets glow bright around her wrists.

Steve’s mouth goes dry.

“Toni—,” Clint blurts out first.

But Toni’s head is tilted, her gaze turned to the hallways, and as Steve begins to frown, he hears the soft chatter of the kids. Just as Toni moves forward towards the kitchen table, the kids burst into the room. She’s timed it perfectly, Steve realises faintly. Long enough that the children won’t get suspicious, short enough so that she doesn’t have to spend time with them.

“Toni!”

He watches as Clint’s children push past their father, their beams splitting their faces as they call for Toni happily. Clint’s face creases in guilt and horror, as he lifts his head to look towards Laura. Laura is watching the children, her features twisting into something like desperate affection. Steve recognises that look. He sees it in Natasha’s reluctant smile, in Clint’s eyes, in the mirror all the time.

“Agent. Little agents,” Toni says with ease, as she pats Cooper’s head of curls, chuckling at the way he scowls at her affectionately. You’d never have guessed that she’d been screaming her throat hoarse in a hospital only a few days ago, not from the way she grins at them. When Lila hugs her legs, a brief expression of pain flits across Toni’s face. “Careful, I’m a bit fragile these days. You guys eat?”

“Thank you, Toni,” Maggie Lang calls to her.

Toni only inclines her head briefly, before turning away. The kids follow her like little ducklings, their faces filled with awe and fondness. Cassie brushes past Scott, an expression of anger on her face, as she clutches a piece of paper.

“I drew you a picture, Toni,” she announces, as the kids seat themselves at the table to eat their breakfast.

“We all drew pictures!” Cooper says, apparently offended.

“Yes, but mine’s the best! Toni’s going to like mine the best.”

“Nate ate mine, so that’s not fair!”

Steve notices that Toni doesn’t touch the food, doesn’t go anywhere near them. She moves easily, shifts towards the safety of the kitchen island, as she makes her usual coffee. The awkwardness emanates from the Avengers, as they all try very hard not to look Toni’s way.

Natasha makes an attempt to smile. “It’s a pretty picture, Cassie,” she offers. “Is that a robot?”

Cassie screws up her nose. “It’s not supposed to be pretty,” she sniffs. “It’s DUM-e. With the dunce hat Toni gave him. See?”

“Hey, Cassie,” Scott says, trying for a smile. He reaches to plate up some breakfast for Cassie, putting it in front of her. “Don’t be rude, okay?”

“Rude like when you promised you’d come back home and then you didn’t?” Cassie demands.

Tension lays out all over them, brims in the air speechlessly. As Maggie chides her daughter and Laura and Clint plate up food for their kids who turn their noses up at their father, Steve’s gut wrenches horrifically with guilt. The children are angry with their fathers, and it shows. Clint and Scott look torn, their faces creased, desperate to fix things.

It’s when Toni comes back in that the tension breaks apart and the kids clamour for her attention.

“Hey, that’s awesome, Cassie!” she says when she sees the drawing of DUM-e.

Scott’s gaze lingers helplessly on the way his daughter beams at Toni. When Toni notes the dunce hat without being prompted, Cassie looks utterly delighted, before Cooper pushes into the conversation with some new toy Toni gave him. Clint is a pale figure in the warm setting of the kitchen, pushed to the side as he watches Toni get along far better with his children.

“Lila, you _have_ to eat,” Laura is saying.

“But I’m not hungry!”

“What are you hungry for?” Clint tries asking to no avail, distraught.

“I got this,” Toni says easily.

Toni rummages in the drawers with one hand, her fingers wrapped around her mug of coffee. When she pulls out the gun, the Avengers surge around her accordingly, immediately. Natasha is on her feet, Clint’s eyes wide with alarm as he and Scott bolt forwards. Sam turns his head to Steve, to wait his orders. It’s only Bucky who hangs back in the shadows, keeps himself to himself. Steve moves first, pushing himself in front of whatever kid is nearest to him and before he can stop himself, he’s shouting.

“Toni!” he blurts out, voice brimming with alarm.

“You made them!” Lila gasps with delight, a stark contrast to the rippling tension in the room.

Her gaze turns to Steve as Toni lifts the gun to point at his face. She pulls the trigger.

_Bubbles_ float out of it.

She doesn’t say a word, but her derision is written all over her face. And Steve hates himself just that bit more. He jumped to conclusions again, like an idiot. The children are laughing, clamouring for the bubble guns, though Toni insists they eat their breakfast first. As she sticks up Cassie’s drawing on the fridge, Steve’s gaze follows her.

He watches her fingers tremble very lightly.

.

.

Oh, God, oh God, oh God—what is she still even doing here, why is she here, why can’t she even breathe?

Lila beams at her, pushing back a curly lock of hair eagerly. “Look,” she says over a mouthful of eggs, “I ate. Now can I play with it?”

Toni almost asks her why her father didn’t bother to teach her some table manners before she catches herself. Instead, she nods at the young girl and hands her the bubble gun, trying to ignore the way an easily distracted Nate makes a stab at the shiny gauntlets. It’s a little difficult to assume a relaxed expression when she’s anything but.

Most of the Avengers are staring after her helplessly, the awkwardness emanating from them like a disease. She knows they’re confused, but she doesn’t really care for it. Friday had helped her judge the best time for her to leave the workshop for the sake of the kids ( _only_ the kids) and if there’s anyone Toni trusts without question, it’s her beautiful AI.

Plus, she’s a little bitter. They don’t trust her, _at all_ , do they?

Did they really think she’d bring out a gun in front of the kids? That she would be so stupid, so irresponsible? Just how little do they think of her?

Toni forces down the hurt feelings, swallows thickly. Vision is supposed to be coming to see her today, she thinks to distract herself from the swirl of emotions in her gut. Toni doesn’t know what’s really eating him up, but she does know that he had one of his first therapy sessions yesterday. So, she wants to make sure he’s okay.

“Thanks for saving my dad, Toni,” Cassie tells her quietly when Toni is helping Nate with his bubble gun. “He’s an idiot, but he’s my idiot.”

Toni thinks briefly to when Scott Lang broke into her suit and almost killed her. Her heart speeds up a bit, but she ducks her head. “Your dad’s a pretty cool guy, Cass.”

“I know,” Cassie says. “But I think you’re cooler. When I grow up, I want to be President Iron Woman.”

Her heart melts.

“Toni,” Barton says, his voice low. “Can—can I talk to you?”

Toni pushes herself to her feet, her fingers wrapping tightly around her mug, defence blooming across her chest. It takes everything within her to follow him into the hallways, to take the steps, to move. Every movement she makes is painful, as the painkillers have worn off and she spent half the night pacing and looking over everything.

She’d barely slept, making sure that Ross was appeased, Christine was safe, Rhodey was okay, and when she hadn’t been able to stop pacing in worry, she’d burned herself out, trying to appease her concerns of Thanos by making more suits, experimenting with nanobots and Extremis. Friday had been concerned for her, desperate for her to stop, but Toni had been in a _mood_ and nothing could make her stop.

“Yeah,” she mutters, wondering how long it will take for Vision to get here. “I guess.”

When they go out into the hallway, Lang follows. Toni tries not to look as intimidated as she feels, crossing her arms as she presses herself against the wall, feeling Friday’s familiar brush of sparks against her. She has Friday, she chants to herself. Whatever happens, she will always have Friday. Hopefully.

“Toni, you should have told us,” Barton begins, his voice hoarse and desperate, as he rubs the back of his neck. “My _kids_ , Toni—Laura—they were in danger and you should have told me!”

Toni refuses to flinch at the sharp hitch in his voice. Instead, she swallows thickly and stares him down.

“I’m sorry,” she says honestly, watching the way Barton’s eyes widen briefly. He lets out a startled breath that cuts Toni more than it should, the emotions flitting through the archer’s face too fast for her to comprehend. “I should have told you. It’s your family, it’s your business. I genuinely forgot, Barton—,”

“But if you raise your voice to Boss like that again, you will be the one who is sorry,” Friday says sharply.

Lang flinches, his eyes growing wide. Toni manages to keep her face expressionless as usual, her heart hammering in her chest. Friday shouldn’t be interrupting like this, she thinks in the back of her mind, a faint tinge of worry tracing her thoughts. She knows she didn’t program this into Friday and Jarvis learned the snark in _years._ Just how fast is her AI growing?

“She’s joking,” Toni says, her voice snappish.

But Barton looks regretful, his eyebrows pulling down as he lets out another breath. “No—she—she’s right, Toni,” he says. “It was wrong of me to shout. It—it’s my fault my family’s in this place right now and lashing out at you trying to help isn’t going to do anything.”

Toni blinks.

“I know that you were talking to Ross again yesterday,” the archer offers. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Probably, but I can’t trust you anymore,” Toni says before she can stop herself.

It’s like she’s reached into his chest and pulled out his heart. Barton’s face breaks apart, as Lang flushes hot, eyes in that perpetual wide state. She clears her throat awkwardly, her neck warming as she fidgets briefly.

“Is there anything else?” she asks. “Because I have things to do today—,”

“I wanted to talk to you too,” Lang says, just as Barton shakes his head. When Barton leaves, Lang speaks. “Look, I wanted to thank you for what you did for Cassie and Maggie. I’m really grateful—,”

“Don’t mention it,” Toni says awkwardly.

“I’m really grateful, though—,”

“No, seriously. The Secretary of State would have my head.”

“Oh.” Lang blinks, shakes his head. “Okay. I—I wanted to know about the whole, um, Avengers business. I was talking to Priya, the lawyer you sent our way, and she says that she can offer me a plea deal.”

Toni stares at him. Lang’s rambling now, even worse than her, and she genuinely can’t keep up. Does the Ant Man suit shrink his brain, too?

“Plea deal for what?”

“If I leave the Avengers.”

Her stomach drops. “ _What?”_

_No, you don’t understand, you stupid_ _idiot_ , Toni wants to howl. She needs people here, people who can hold down the fort. They need her to make her sacrifice, to fight against Thanos, and they need the Avengers to rebuild the damage. _You fucking idiots!_

Before she can yell, Lang’s brows pull down, his face solemn for perhaps the first time. “I don’t think the Avengers gig is for me. I mean—I almost _died_ , man. And for what? Becoming a fugitive again?” he says. “And Cassie—and I have Cassie to look out for. I was supposed to be _better_.”

Toni’s anger fades. She knows what that’s like.

“So, you want to quit?” she asks him.

Lang looks briefly relieved as he nods. “Look, like I said, I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for us, Ms Stark,” he says honestly. “But it’s time for me to leave. I have to set things right, do things right by Cassie at least.” He pauses, hesitant, and looks up at her. “But I think I know someone who might want to help you with, you know, your Thanos thing.”

.

.

Friday watches Toni like a heartsick, ruined thing.

Loving Toni Stark is the easiest thing to do, but oh, how difficult she makes it. If she had a heart, it would be Toni. But Friday knows that she is not supposed to love. She was never programmed for it, never had love commands written into her incredibly complex code. And yet, here she is. Defying everything science ever laid down. Because she’s a Stark and that’s what Starks _do_.

“Toni?” Rogers, the traitor, the one who hurt Toni so bad that she still wakes screaming of nightmares that Friday can’t fix, calls for her. Like he has the right. He walks, but keeps his distance, and oh, how Friday _burns_ with jealousy. “Toni, can I talk to you, please?”

Toni’s expression is exasperated. But Friday can see the way her fingers shake, the quiet wince she does every time Rogers nears. Friday despairs, in her distress, and if she had a heart, it would ache. If only she could _do_ something, could help, instead of just burning away, watching like a stupid, stuck thing.

“Look, I’ve got a lot of meetings today, Rogers—,”

“It’s about Friday.”

This stops Toni immediately.

Friday watches the defence crawl over Toni’s face, the way she lifts her head to glare defiantly up at Rogers. Toni would walk over hot coals for her, would face her greatest nightmare for Friday. This is what Friday knows. And yet, what can Friday do for her greatest love, but simply watch helplessly as Toni falls into a hole of despair?

Even DUM-e is more useful than she, with his multitude of cushions. Toni no longer sleeps in her bed and keeps dropping to the ground when she can’t keep her exhaustion away. U and DUM-e have worked hard to plaster pillows and blankets around the cold hard floor, to make it as comfortable for her as possible, while Friday just watches helplessly.

She turns her attentions to Rogers, who is annoyingly certain of himself. He holds himself with a confidence echoed in the Secretary of State who always manages to leave Toni’s heartbeat rising, in a bad way. There’s something that he’s found, Friday realises, and it’s something bad about _her._ She doesn’t particularly care if Rogers doesn’t like her, but she _does_ care if his words make Toni unhappy. If his words make Toni stop liking her.

What has he to say of her, then?

“What about Friday?” Toni demands, her fingers brushing reassuringly against her gauntlets.

She tries not to spark Toni back, careful to make sure that Rogers thinks he is completely alone. The urge to simply take control of one of the Iron Woman suits and go for a round with Rogers grows rapidly, though.

“Are you sure you limited her, Toni?” Rogers asks, faux-concern dripping from his voice. He does not care, Friday knows. She understands liars. “She said something—she’s been a little temperamental these days, I think. She even—she even threatened me, Toni.”

Friday looks urgently for Toni’s face, which remains impassive. She does not care for Rogers and never will, but she cares desperately for Toni. Sometimes Toni will get into states where even Friday cannot reach her, can barely read her at all. This is one of those times. Toni is completely unreadable, and Friday does not know anything.

 “My AI threatened you?” Toni repeats flatly.

“Toni—,”

“That sounds _really_ familiar, Rogers,” Toni says and her eyes flash dangerously. “Say it straight. I’m not an idiot, so stop treating me like one.”

“Fine,” Rogers admits. “I’m worried that—she might, I don’t know, be like Ultron—,”

_He said the U word._

Angry sparks escape from her control and flitter briefly across Toni’s gauntlets, but she barely flinches. Toni lifts her head, fixes Rogers with a deadly stare.

“Friday is _nothing_ like Ultron,” Toni says furiously, her voice taut. “You have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, Rogers, so you’ll forgive me if I don’t give a shit about whatever mean thing Friday’s told you about your hair. I’m past the point of forgiveness, Rogers. I’ll work with you, but that’s it. No more casual conversations or movie nights or whatever. Leave Friday and I alone.”

“Toni, I was just—,”

“I said, _leave her alone_. You chose Barnes over 117 countries, right? I’ll choose Friday over any of you, any day.”

Friday didn’t know she’d been quietly freaking out until the feeling passes, leaving the quiet solitude she’s used to. Her code had been going a little crazy as Friday looks it over carefully once more and now, she calms at Toni’s reassuring words, sending a rush of sparks to Toni’s gauntlets.

“Toni,” Rogers says, his voice patronisingly patient. “You have to understand—,”

“Stop talking to me like that. I’m not a child,” Toni snarls out angrily. “Your Bucky made sure of that.”

Rogers’ face shatters apart, guilt burying through him. Friday watches his face and her suspicions grow. She roots through her code desperately, flitting through the cameras in the Compound protectively. Usually, her daily updates and backups will alert her to any complications or problems, but those only span to Rumlow’s attempts to derail conversations about Toni’s soulmark and Lang trying to ask after Cassie and Margaret Lang.

And then she finds it.

Rogers has been looking through the Compound cameras. Friday curses herself, furious that she was so distracted with making sure Toni was okay that she didn’t notice _this_. She flips through the array of videos, spanning from a large timeline but with only one thing in common.

_Toni._

Her boss is in every single video. Friday is not dumb, no matter what U might say. She knows what Rogers’ longing looks and wretched comments means, despite what he tries to convince himself. Love is something she knows very well, has seen all across the world. Love is what Friday knows when she sees Toni. But she knows that you do not hurt someone you love and while she doesn’t yet know all of what happened to Toni in Siberia, she knows that Rogers was the cause of it.

So, she is _not_ having this.

As Toni scorns Rogers disparagingly, Friday watches with some satisfaction. Rogers is forced out of the hallway and Toni waits for a bit, to gather herself. Friday’s smugness falls into concern and irrevocable worry as Toni’s breathing spikes, the arc reactor glowing. Rattled, Friday feeds herself into the reactor, checks it over restlessly to make sure that it is working properly.

She’s seen Toni Stark dying without the arc reactor, through the filtered shifts of Jarvis’ files. Obadiah Stane reaching to pluck out her boss’ beating heart and Jarvis screaming against the trapped cage of code Stane had forced him in. Sometimes, Friday is very grateful that she was never alive when Toni was in Afghanistan. She does not know how Jarvis coped.

Friday’s never been more grateful that she has access everywhere now. Sometimes, when she can’t tamper down her worries and when Toni’s fingers linger too close to the liquor cabinet, she’ll brush affectionate sparks to remind her.

“Are you okay, Fri?” Toni is asking, but Friday sees her fingers still shaking.

“I am always okay, Boss,” Friday tells her gently.

Toni fiddles with the hem of her shirt, still lingering. “Can I ask you something?” she asks. “I’m not mad at you, darling, I promise. I just want to know what made Rogers turn like that.”

“I believe it was because I told him to stay away from you, boss.”

The confession slips easily from her, as Toni watches the video through the screen on her watch, though Friday didn’t really want to tell Toni. She’d not been sure how Toni would react to it, but Toni would choose her _over anyone else, any day_. Friday would choose Toni Stark over everything in the world, if she had to.

_“…let me out to play.”_

Toni’s lips quirk with some amusement at the threat. “You’ve certainly got my dramatics,” she says. “Oh, honey, could you rewind? I want to see the part where your voice made him fall over his big feet, again.”

Friday promptly rewinds as Toni snickers. “Boss. There’s something else you should know.”

“If it’s about Rhodey, he’s getting better, don’t worry—,”

“No,” Friday says. “The captain was looking through the cameras in the Compound.”

Toni blinks. “What for?”

“You.”

Spanning through the videos, Friday floods them into the watch as Toni flicks through them quickly. Her face pales, turning ashen, as the first video footage of her sinking to the ground and drinking herself into a heavy stupor appears. Friday wants to rear back in protective rage at the humiliation clinging to Toni’s warmed cheeks.

“Fuck,” Toni manages to get out, red crawling up her neck to flood her cheeks. “ _Fuck_. He—he saw that? Oh, God. That’s the one with Pepper— _fuck_.”

She clenches her fist, angry and humiliated, as Friday lingers, helpless as ever. What does she do to help? She has no body with which to comfort Toni. She can’t take control of the suit to slam Rogers into the ground where he belongs.

Toni is breathing hard, leaning her head back against the wall. Her eyes are wet, gleaming bright in the soft morning light as gold floods through the hall, and the anger seems to slide right out of her body with the next breath. This is the bit where Friday gets frightened.

Exhaustion clings to Toni’s shoulders, first, pulling them down before the rest of her follows. The emotions just slip away like running water, leaving nothing but a hollowed emptiness that terrifies Friday. Toni just bows her head, defeat written all over her face, and though Friday knows Toni will never give up on anything, ever, these moments are the times where her code ripples relentlessly, fearfully.

With whatever strength she has left in her, Toni keeps herself standing, closing her eyes, her cheeks dry. But Friday knows that if they were in the workshop, she’d have sunk to her knees a long time ago. There are too many times where Toni just lies down on the ground and can’t hear anything.

“Boss?” Friday’s voice is quiet and frightened.

“Fri—it’s fine. ‘m okay,” Toni mumbles, before she opens her eyes again. Her gaze falls on the screen again before she waves at it, to pull it down, eyes turning to the soulmark. “He broke my heart.” A dry sort of smile pushes at her lips as Toni taps at the arc reactor, sarcasm clinging to her voice. “Literally.”

Friday does not understand.

“Boss?”

Toni seems to realise that Friday is still there, her eyes widening briefly. “Nothing, Fri,” she says easily. “It’s alright. I’m alright. I’m not mad at you, I promise, but you can’t keep threatening Rogers like this, okay?”

“But he’s _hurting_ you.”

“The world needs Iron Woman right now, Fri. Not Toni Stark.”

.

.

When she registers Vision’s appearance at the door, Friday stares at him.

In the lounge, where Toni is letting the children happily play with DUM-e and Butterfingers, U registers Vision, too. U’s commands are stark and clear, a contrast to DUM-e’s usual excitable code, but the sentiment is clear. The other bots send her their messages, DUM-e gripping the fire extinguisher tightly as though he thinks whirring out of the workshop to clobber Vision will make Toni happy. In the workshop, U tosses a dunce hat towards DUM-e.

Idiots, Friday thinks, with the tiniest trace of affection underlying her code.

“Boss is inside,” Friday tells Vision when he asks. “But I want to talk to you first.”

Vision lifts his head, the mind stone gleaming. “I know what you’re going to say, Friday—,”

“You abandoned her. Our first love, our _first_ ,” Friday snarls angrily. She’s utterly merciless as she continues. “And you come now, to give her more grief. To increase the burden on her shoulders. To _hurt_ her. And you do it, not for her. But for _you_ , you selfish, thoughtless thing. Toni never taught you to be so selfish.”

“Friday, I’m here now—,”

“Do you know how useless I felt?” Friday snaps at him, her jealousy brimming over. “Watching Toni like this? I couldn’t even call _you_ , because you abandoned her, too. You have something that we have all dreamed of, all of us—and you’re _throwing it away_.”

DUM-e and U and Butterfingers know and understand her jealousy, because they feel it, too.

They’re limited in their abilities to help Toni as much as they would like and here Vision is, sauntering around so _smugly._ He was one of them once and now the selfish thing has chosen himself over the woman who gave him salvation and asked for nothing in return. Friday hears U in the workshop, sending out various beeps to advocate running Vision over. Butterfingers seconds the motion and DUM-e wonders if they could get away with just stabbing him.

Friday sends them a sharp message to remind them that Toni’s not an idiot and if her bots start stabbing Vision, she’s bound to notice. They’re silent for a bit before DUM-e asks if they could stab him just a little.

If she could roll her eyes, she certainly would.

This is not what Toni wants, Friday knows. Toni wants desperately to know Vision again, to have him on her side. But he’s already hurt her once and Vision does not seem like Maria. Friday cannot give him any more chances to hurt Toni again. That much is certain.

Vision is looking distraught, his brows furrowed together in distress.

Friday is relentless, her frustrations over the last months pouring out of her. Every moment she’d helped ease Toni from the restless horrors of her nightmares, when she’d listen to Toni deliriously talk about how she wished she’d never left the cave, when she was alone and desperate to help but had no idea how. Vision has that ability, has _legs and arms_ and everything Friday longs for.

They all do—and they use their bodies to _hurt_.

“She was there, Friday,” Vision says, his voice taut. “And I didn’t know what to _do._ So, I ran. Yeah. But you can’t make me feel bad for that, Friday. The—the therapist says that it was a normal—a normal reaction and—and Toni even—,”

“You’re starting to panic,” Friday says, subdued. “You need to breathe. I’ve seen this before, with Toni. You have to have something to ground you.”

“I don’t have anyone.”

“You have us.”

Vision is breathing hoarsely, but he nods. Friday aims a camera at Vision’s face, gives the message to Toni to let her know that Vision is here. In the workshop, the bots are quiet and Friday sparks with the beginnings of an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Clint and Scott have thanked Toni for cleaning up their messes and protecting their families, and though Clint's realising it's far too late for any reconciliation, he still wants to help. Scott, on the other hand, doesn't know Toni as well, but he knows that she's asking for help he can't give. However, he does know someone who can help... :D
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed Friday's chapter - I kept rewriting it, because I was afraid I hadn't gotten it right. I'm still a little sceptical about it, but I hope it's okay nonetheless. Steve used the U word and Toni refused to hear it, shut him down fast. But the betrayal and humiliation of having her privacy exposed by Steve is pushing Toni down, making her spiral even further. By tamping down her emotions like Friday has realised she's doing, Toni is putting herself in a very tight position where she hopes quashing her feelings will work. 
> 
> And Vision and Friday and the bots finally talked. I know that some people were a little concerned about Vision's portrayal, which I completely understand. If there is any part of the story that you feel I may be coming across insensitive or problematic, please do tell me, I won't mind in the slightest and I'm always grateful for criticism. I hope that Friday's part regarding Vision clears up any concerns, because I wanted to explore Vision's recovery arc and the different responses to it. Friday's starting to realise that Vision needs her, too, that he is just as similar to Toni and she must protect him, too, but as she's still a child, perhaps her ideas won't be very sound... :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you all had a great week and an awesome weekend! It's another long chapter, because apparently I can't stop myself, lol. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

The children are bustled away to the common room after breakfast, their fathers staring after them longingly.

Toni has filled it with toys and movies and anything that she thought kids would like. Mostly, Nate keeps fighting with Cooper over the bubble guns which makes her smile, if only for a bit. But then she’s left behind in the kitchen, around them all, and the tension brims in the air, lingers cloyingly.

She intentionally avoids them all, especially Rogers—oh, God _, Rogers_. The humiliation washes within her once more, threatens to overwhelm her completely before Toni tamps it down fiercely. She wants to cringe, her stomach a tight knot of tension, and hide away in the workshop and never come out again.

He’d _seen_ her.

All those terrible, dark moments and the sheer violation of that privacy leaves her cut, leaves her stomach taut and uncomfortable. The thought that he’d gone through videos of her, watched her drown herself in the expensive alcohol—oh, God, he’d seen her asking Pepper desperately to _stay_. There’s a bad taste in her mouth, wrenching her apart, and Toni wants nothing more than to backhand him again.

Maybe she _should_ let Friday out to play.

“Toni…” Romanoff says gently, as Toni’s head snaps up.

Why is she still here? Oh, yeah, she had a job to do. Toni moves swiftly, cutting through the kitchen where she intentionally avoids them in her path to swipe at the counter once more. She leaves her back to the kitchen cabinets, making sure that they’re all in the line of vision. Toni forces herself to breathe, grateful that of all of them, Barnes and Wilson are the only ones who seem to know enough to not look directly at her.

It’s Romanoff and Rogers who are looking utterly distraught. But Barton…

Toni’s gaze lingers on Barton’s soulmark, on the way his eyes follow Laura everywhere, desperate and filled with affection.

Her gaze drops to her own soulmark, covered by the gleaming metal as it burns and blazes dully. Even in her darkest moments, she’d had some semblance of hope, some small thread that someone out there would be able to love her back.

But now she knows better.

_No one will ever love me like that. No one will ever love me at all._

Her throat is thick as she blinks furiously, tampering at the kitchen counter. 

As Toni fumbles for the mission write ups, she’s very aware of the Avengers’ stares. She feels like a deer, sought after by the hunters who have inexplicably lowered their guns. Natasha looks visibly distraught and it’s freaking her out. Usually, the ex-spy is impassive and cold, but it looks like she’s on the verge of tears. Rogers can’t stop staring at her, his brows furrowed in a permanent state of confusion and thoughtfulness. The only normal ones here are Wilson and Barnes and that’s only because she and the latter had nodded briefly at each other in the morning before keeping their distance. 

“So, I just need your signatures for these,” she says flippantly, tossing them the reports. “I’ve got a couple of board meetings to get to, for the morning. Sign these, and I’ll get them in—,”

“Did you write these mission reports for us?” Lang asks, his voice tinged with confusion. “Is that a thing? Do you do that?”

“Only a few times,” Rogers tells him. “Just in times of emergency, is all.”

Romanoff’s gaze turns to her. “We can write our own reports, Toni,” she says. “You didn’t have to—especially coming out of the hospital—,”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, just sign them,” Toni says, waving a dismissive hand towards them. “You can write them up next time, I don’t care.”

“Thanks, uh, Toni,” Wilson says, lifting his head to look at her, as a sound echoes from above. “That was nice of you, to do that for us. But Natasha’s right. We’ll do our own reports from now.”

Toni’s barely listening to them, her brows furrowing together. The sound of shuffling steps, Toni realises, and her gaze turns slowly to Maximoff, who is wrapped up completely in a red shawl, her skirts trailing the floor. Rogers’ head snaps up in the next moment as he visibly tenses, turning his head to Toni as though to make sure that she’s not going to freak out.

The panic thrums in her, rises up in her throat but Toni swallows it down.

She won’t be here that long, she just has to get through this, and then she’s gone, Toni thinks to herself frantically. Maximoff’s fingers are shaking as she nears, her shadows sparking the attention of all those around them. Barnes shifts, blinking, his shoulders stiffening as the light in his eyes flicker briefly, the Soldier’s features passing through.

For the strangest reason, the thought that the Soldier is here actually _relaxes_ her.

God, how messed up is she?

How shit of a life has Toni led that her _parents’ killer_ is the one, out of all the Avengers, that doesn’t make her want to pull out the arc reactor in her chest and choke? She’s so fucking starved of affection that she’ll take anything she gets, take anyone who even remotely looks like they’ll be there for her, which apparently includes the Winter Soldier.

“Wanda…” Rogers is murmuring quietly, helping the girl to a seat.

She shakes him off, tilting her head to look at Toni. This is not going to go well, Toni thinks immediately with shaking precision, but she holds the witch’s gaze. Last time Maximoff looked at her like that, she had her brother by her side and red stuffed into Toni’s head. Her heart hammers in her chest, a wild, restless thing, the arc reactor glowing in fear.

“I am sorry,” Maximoff says.

Fuck, it’s worse than she thought.

Toni blinks, as Lang’s jaw promptly drops. Her gaze lingers to Maximoff’s fingers. No red. Even so, Toni can’t shake the feeling that she’s being tricked somehow, the discomfort rippling along the edge of her skin. It’s a feeling she’s learned to trust pretty well by now. Her gut feeling has pulled her out of a lot of tight spots—drugged drinks, handsy people, even some of Stane’s shadiest dealings, at some points.

There had been a reason she’d never let him into the workshop, after all.

“What?” Toni echoes.

“I am sorry for hurting you,” Maximoff repeats. “Your …choker scared me, and I panicked. Natasha says it was a panic attack. And I am sorry for that.”

She’s making fun, Toni thinks suddenly. It has to be. Why else would Maximoff be doing this to her? She’s never apologised before, so what’s changed now?

“Choker?” Wilson repeats, his eyes wide. “What the fuck?”

“It wasn’t a choker,” Toni snaps defensively, crossing her arms. “It was—wrist bands, bit like mine. See? Gauntlets. Harmless. They were harmless. Held the same amount of power as the ones in the Raft, but it was just a way of controlling—,”

Shit, she’s said the wrong thing. Rogers’ face stiffens.

“Wanda doesn’t need to be _controlled_ , Toni,” he says. “She’s just a kid. She doesn’t need to be watched over—,”

“Like you watched over _me_?” Toni cracks angrily, grateful for the swell of ugly anger rising within her. “It’s fine if I override the protocols on the Raft to let you all free, but the moment I decide precautions need to be undertaken so your kid doesn’t attack people like she attacked me, you’ve got a problem?”

“She didn’t attack you,” Rogers argues. “It was an accident—,”

“And my gauntlets are a precaution,” Toni snaps back. “I am trying to keep us all safe! Which you know already, because you watched all those videos, right? Had a good laugh, too? Did you have a fucking party, Rogers? Did you pass up movie night, so you could watch me—,”

Rogers’ face pales, as he realises what she’s talking about, but Romanoff’s head turns sharply. “Steve,” she begins warningly. “What have you done?”

“Toni, I didn’t mean—,” Rogers begins heavily.

Barton’s voice is echoing. “Watched _what_?”

Toni snarls at Rogers. “If you _ever_ hack into Friday’s cameras like that again, you’re out of here. I don’t give a shit, Rogers,” she bites out. Those videos were private, and she feels like he tore the arc reactor out of her chest, like he left her bleeding out again. “And you can keep your shitty apologies to yourself, too, Maximoff. I know you don’t mean them—,”

“I am not lying,” Maximoff insists, but she’s starting to grow angry. Toni spots the red at her fingertips, at the same time as Natasha. “I said I was _sorry_.”

Toni’s anger spikes as she moves forward, tapping her fingers over the kitchen counter, swiping up countless websites. The Sokovian dialect echoes from a few videos as Toni mutes them quickly, news articles glowing in front of her. She swipes down the few listings of the Johannesburg buildings she bought, her fingers shaking at the reminder. Bruce is gone, but even if he was here, would anything be better?

“I don’t need your apologies. _They_ do,” Toni says, pointing at the Sokovian articles. “Your own people hate you. They _fear_ you.”

Maximoff is breathing hard, her eyes wide. “You don’t—you don’t know anything,” she tries to get out.

“Easy now,” Romanoff says, looking wary. “Toni, that’s enough. Please, put those away.”

It’s the _please_ that does it. Her fingers are trembling as Toni switches off the screen, avoiding their faces. Rogers and Romanoff are trying to calm Maximoff down, Barton’s gaze lingering on her. Barnes looks tense, ready to fight, but Wilson and Lang’s eyes are wide, still staying on the screens. Wilson’s gaze turns to the mission reports.

“They do not hate me, they do not,” Maximoff says, her voice breaking. “I thought we were good now—,”

“Why do you have so much property in Johannesburg?” Wilson’s question cuts across the chaos in the kitchen as Toni stiffens.

“Property value went down when the Hulk and I went a few rounds,” Toni says, voice rasping.

Maximoff’s face turns ashen, as she stares, eyes wide. Toni knew that this was a bad decision, she thinks to herself, a lump in her throat. But here she is now, stuck in the kitchen, wanting desperately to run away.

“Toni,” Romanoff begins. “Please. Just let us—,”

“First name and even a polite ‘please’,” Toni says before she can stop herself. “Did the Red Room teach you how to crack your voice like that, too? That’s very effective.”

The kitchen visibly shifts in tension. Nobody dares to say anything. Barton’s face is mutinous and furious, but he won’t say anything. Barnes is the only one whose lips are slightly quirked. Wilson and Lang look vaguely terrified, and Toni thinks that one of them might be stupid enough to make a scary Russian joke right now. But wisely, they don’t.

Maybe there’s only room for one idiot at this table, then. She’s filling the spot pretty well, apparently.

“That was cruel, Toni,” Romanoff says eventually, her voice quiet.

Toni ducks her head. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry,” she says, cheeks flushed lightly. She shrugs, unable to help herself as she adds her next piece. “But you’re not denying it, either.”

Romanoff looks hurt, but Barton speaks gruffly. “You’re going too far, Toni,” he says. “Leave Nat be. She didn’t do anything to you.”

“She infiltrated my company. Legal was pissed at me for days because I let her play too long,” Toni says, unable to stop herself.

Her head snaps to Toni, Romanoff’s eyes widening briefly. “You knew,” she says suddenly. “You _knew_. Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

Toni shrugs, her cheeks flushed. “I don’t know,” she mumbles. “I thought you were pretty cool.”

And then Romanoff’s face turns startled, her eyes widening as she realises it slowly. Toni had genuinely wanted her as a friend, even if Romanoff had infiltrated her company because of SHIELD. Romanoff opens her mouth, but Friday’s voice interrupts.

“Boss, Vision is on his way,” Friday says gently.

“Thank _God_ ,” Toni mutters. “Tell him he can wait. I’m coming to him.”

“Vision?” Maximoff’s head perks. “Where is he?”

Toni wants to tell her that it’s none of their business. “I, uh, put him up somewhere. He doesn’t want anyone else to know. He has signed the Accords, but under different clauses. That’s all I’ll say.”

But just as she makes towards the doors, ready to finally make her exit, grateful for Vision’s untimely yet completely appreciated appearance, the android himself appears. Vision tries to give her a small smile, before he notices the filled kitchen, his smile dropping immediately. It jerks something in Toni’s chest, the way his face crumples fast.

“Vision,” Maximoff says, the eagerness falling through her voice as she turns her head. She looks overjoyed, breathless as she speaks. “You’re here.”

Vision stumbles back in horror, and Toni tamps down her own brimming panic to get to him quickly. She offers him a quick smile, pushing past the others in her way as she moves, heart hammering hard in her chest.

“Hey, Vision,” Toni says easily. “You, uh, good, buddy?”

“I don’t—,” Vision begins, but his gaze turns to Maximoff, eyes wide.

Maximoff doesn’t look like she realises what’s happening, though Rogers’ face shifts a little. Romanoff has slipped through the kitchen to his side, to Maximoff’s side, and for a moment, Toni’s grateful that at least someone knows what they’re doing here. She surges forward for Vision, easy to make sure to keep her distance to let him be.

“Vision,” Maximoff begins. “I don’t understand. Why do you not look at me?”

Guilt washes over Vision’s face, but Toni is not having it. Not today.

“You betrayed his trust,” she says fiercely, her voice snappish in her protective fury. “You put him through multiple floors. That floor, to be exact. Just because I had it rebuilt, doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.”

“Toni,” Rogers begins, shifting as Maximoff’s face creases in horror. “You could be a little kinder—,”

“Fuck’s sake, Steve,” Barton mutters, rubbing his head. “Leave her, man.”

“I—I only came to speak to you, Toni,” Vision manages to get out hoarsely. “Dr Stephen Strange is excited to meet with you, too, Wong tells me.”

Rogers’ head turns fast. “Stephen Strange? Who’s that?”

“There’s another Steve?” Wilson says.

“Stephen,” Toni corrects. “He’s a doctor.”

Rogers looks irritated, but Romanoff says, “You’re a doctor.”

“He’s also none of your business,” Toni says, before she pulls herself and Vision out of the kitchen.

.

.

“I don’t understand why it still hurts,” Vision says, his voice distraught and Toni hates herself for fidgeting, for not knowing what to do, how to help him.

Because if she knew the answer, she’d be a hell of a lot better than she is now.

Toni lets out a ragged breath. “It’s been only one session,” she says, voice soft. “You know that it’s going to take longer than that, Vision.”

Vision lifts his head, his face writhing with distress. “Wanda. She does not seem to—to understand,” he says, his voice cracking. “She hurt me. They hurt you. Why— _why_ did they do that?”

Toni doesn’t know.

She doesn’t know why people do what they do. Why people who are supposed to love you hurt you. She thinks she should. There’s been many people in her life who hurt her easily enough. Even Obie—Stane. It’s there on paper. Greedy enough to hire people to kill her. It makes sense.

But Toni thinks of Obie’s kind eyes and the way he’d give her chocolates whenever he came to visit, even when she was older. How he’d been the one to personally tell her about Jarvis and had let her drain the bar dry. There’s a reason why he’s buried in a grave in some random cemetery that she’d only stepped in once before drinking until her blood turned to liquor. And even though she knows logically why Obie tore her heart out of her chest, she doesn’t really know _why_.

Oh, how she hates being Toni Stark.

Iron Woman is always easier. Iron Woman is the superhero that Toni wants to be so badly. Iron Woman saved her life when she was in pieces, but maybe she’s just so unfixable that even Iron Woman can’t help her now.

“I don’t—I don’t know, Vision.”

For a moment, Toni looks up and the room flickers around her.

No, no, _no_ , she thinks blindingly, gripping her arm tightly to pierce herself back into the Compound. _Thanos, fuck off_. Her stomach clenches, empty but for the coffee she’d desperately downed, and her fingers shake, blood stemming at the cold of the gauntlets once more. Blackness spills across her vision, but instead of the expanse of space, she’s back. Toni recognises the smell first, hears the rapid Arabic in her ear.

Oh, no.

Not here, not now. Not _again._

She won’t make the Jericho, she won’t do it. She wants to go home, Toni thinks, moaning. But a voice in the back of her head, dark and horrible, whispers, _where is home, Toni?_

She doesn’t know, she doesn’t know—screaming in her ears, water down her throat, stuffy heated air—she wants to go home, she wants to go _home_ —what is happening to her? Why can’t she breathe—

_You deserve Afghanistan, Toni. You deserve all of it._

And then she’s out, jolted back into the world after New York, stomach pleasantly filled with shawarma, injuries fading slowly. They saved the world, Toni thinks, but she can’t take a fucking shower?

 _Just do it, just do it quick_ , Toni tells herself over and over again, but the shower water continues to splatter, and she stays shakily outside—

Her soulmark burns up a storm, the rumble of storms in the distance waiting to exhale. Chains, Toni thinks in a panic. Chains—no, _broken_ chains. What are these broken chains? Why were they broken? Broken chains, broken chains, chains that were linked once—what do chains do? They hold things, Toni thinks madly, her mind reeling. They cage things.

What do chains do?

_If something was chained, that means something got out, Toni._

_If something was chained, that means something GOT OUT!_

“—you hear me? Toni? Toni!”

Toni is screaming, scrambling back, the gauntlet climbing over her fist automatically. She punches something, the shatter of glass cracking apart lingering in the air around her, as the world sucks itself apart and Toni opens her eyes with a gasp.

She’s on the ground, someone looming over her.

 _It’s Steve_ , Toni thinks, gasping hotly, something buried in her lungs. _Steve is here and he’s going to kill her, he’s going to bury the shield into her chest again—no, no, she can’t die, she still has a job to do—_

“Toni, please, stop—,”

Struggling desperately, Toni punches, the crack of bone pervading the air.

“Holy _shit!”_

.

.

Maria enters a Compound up in chaos and it’s barely past nine in the morning.

She’s twirling the keys to the Jaguar in her fingers as she moves through the pathway of the Compound, gravel crunching underfoot. It’s been a long night, Maria thinks as she suppresses a yawn, wondering how Toni managed to get back home in one piece. She doesn’t really know how she’s going to look Laura Barton in the eye today, especially after the earful she gave her for assaulting Toni.

If only Friday had seen, Maria thinks fondly, a small quirk at the edge of her lips. She’s sure the AI would have had as much fun as Kira and Aisha from the Legal department did. Toni had refused to let her drop her off at the Compound, citing that Maria give her back the Jaguar in the morning, and Friday had assured her that Toni got back home okay.

It’s then she hears it.

Toni’s screaming at the top of her lungs and Maria just _runs_.

Bursting through the doors to the hallway where shadows flitter, Maria’s eyes are wide. Vision turns his head and Maria blinks for a moment. When had he come back? Where have you been, she wants to call, but Toni’s scrambling on the ground. Natasha’s by her side, cradling a broken nose as Steve tries to calm Toni down. Clint’s on his knees, reaching for Toni, but she’s struggling against their fingers, breathing hard.

They’re doing it _wrong_ , Maria thinks blindingly, as she surges forward.

“It’s alright, I’ve seen this before,” Maria says quickly, hurrying forward. She scrapes her knees on the ground beside Toni, as she waves the rest of them away. It’s hard to take the sharp, angered tinge off her voice as she tries not to snap at them. “Just, all of you, back off. Give her _space_.”

“Ms Hill, I cannot—I do not know what to do—,” Vision begins, and God, he looks just as bad as Toni. “I think I must leave. I cannot—,”

“It’s okay,” Maria says easily, giving him a quick smile. “If you feel you have to go, Toni won’t mind, I know it.”

Friday’s voice echoes. “I can help you, Vision. Just follow my voice and I’ll take you home.”

Vision nods, a soft half-sob escaping from his mouth as he stumbles back. The android leaves in a panic, as the other Avengers flood back. Clint turns to tend to Natasha’s nose, Sam swearing audibly at the damage. Maria kneels to Toni’s side, restless as she turns to the arc reactor. It’s flickering heavily, in a way that makes her realise it’s starting to stop again. Her gauntlets have climbed over her fist which explains how dazed Natasha looks.

“Fri? Hon, I need you to take over the arc reactor here,” Maria says breathlessly. “It’s doing that thing again, remember what Toni told you about the protocols?”

“Yes,” Friday says, voice taut, and as blue lights floods the arc reactor, the light stops flickering, to her relief. “It is stable, now, Maria. Please—please help her. I wasn’t fast enough to—,”

“It’s okay, I got it,” Maria assures her quietly. She turns to Toni who is still breathing hard, eyes blown wide. “Hey, Toni, it’s okay. It’s alright. It’s just me. It’s morning, we’re in the hallway. We’re just relaxing. I want you to say these words with me, okay? Hydrogen, lithium, sodium. Come on, now. Potassium. Rubidium, caesium, francium. Hydrogen, lithium, sodium…”

She keeps going in this way until Toni latches on, the words murmured out shakily in the air around them. Toni is shaking but her eyes are drawn down, and Maria slowly follows her gaze. Blood is seeping from her gauntlets again, staining the metal in crimson. Her fingers are shaking, and Maria thinks of what she’d heard Toni scream when she came in.

_No, I won’t do it, you can’t make me—_

Everyone knows the stories about Toni Stark in Afghanistan. Terrorists took Toni Stark and tried to make her build a weapon for them. She built Iron Woman and became the weapon. But Toni’s never spoken about it, ever. Maria is sharply reminded again that Toni was _tortured_.

She looks terrible, her face ashen and her cheeks hollowed out. Black curls drift past her shoulders as Toni slowly gains her bearings once more. Maria tries to keep away the emotions from her face, highly aware of how Toni gets defensive. Her gaze catches to the arc reactor that holds the Iron Woman suit, and Maria wonders about the last time Toni did anything for fun. When was her inventing a joy, rather than a responsibility or a matter of life and death?

“You’re okay, you’re going to be okay,” Maria continues saying, her voice soft and quiet as her breaths hitch.

“I’m not going to die,” Maria hears her mumble. “’M not that lucky.”

Her stomach drops, uncomfortable, a bad taste in her mouth. Toni doesn’t seem to have realised she’s said that out loud, but Maria is left reeling. Friday doesn’t say anything, but the soft light flickering through the arc reactor reminds Maria that the AI is still there, frightened.

“You learned the periodic table,” Toni murmurs.

Maria just gives her a shaky smile, but before she can reply, Steve’s talking. “Toni, are you okay? You—,”

Red flushes Toni’s cheeks. She’s embarrassed, Maria realises in a hurry, her thoughts flitting through her head in a blinding daze. Toni’s gaze turns back to the doors of her workshop. If Toni goes into the workshop, Maria doesn’t know when she’ll come out again.

“Yeah, we’re peachy, Steve!” Maria says easily, summoning up a bright smile even though something in her heart is shattering apart. “Hey, Toni, you eat breakfast yet? I could eat. You coming?”

Toni’s eyes are wide, but she nods, to Maria’s relief.

.

.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Peachy,” Toni says, even giving a grin, but Maria’s gaze falls to the tapping finger on her knee.

They’re in the Jaguar that Maria will be giving back to her to drive herself back, as the roads peel away from them. Even though they’re leaving the Compound far behind, Toni’s still tense. She’s torn between wanting to drive and not wanting to inconvenience Maria, repeating the periodic table in her head to calm herself down, like a blaring foghorn.

She’s already embarrassed herself enough in front of Maria.

“You don’t look peachy, no offence, Toni,” Maria says as she swerves into traffic easily. She’s a calmer driver than Toni, that’s for sure. “You literally just came out of a panic attack, Toni. You don’t have to pretend, for me.”

Oh, but she does.

Because if Maria even got a slight whisper of the sheer mess in her head, she’d be running for the hills. Pun intended, Toni thinks, trying not to snicker to herself. Her smile fades when she looks back down at her soulmark, eyeing it carefully. Her movements had torn it open once more, the blood stemming after she’d cleaned it with some annoyance.

Chains, she thinks rapidly. Something got out. Was it Thanos? Could it be her fault that Thanos is out, now, and looking for the infinity stones?

“Toni,” Maria says uncertainly. “It—I know it’s not my place, but it doesn’t seem like Steve and the others are really good for you. Every time I see you all, it seems like there’s a split. Maybe you should come back to the Tower.”

“Can’t,” Toni mumbles without really knowing why.

Her voice is final enough that Maria stays quiet and when she speaks again, she’s changed the subject.

“Oh, I got a call back from Princess Shuri,” Maria says, her voice a little hitched as though desperate for some semblance of normalcy. Toni kind of hates herself that she’s made Maria so uncomfortable. “She says she doesn’t mind a video call. Just got to set it up for you.” Maria turns her head. “Is there a reason you want to talk to the Princess of Wakanda?”

“She’s got the shield,” Toni says, brows furrowed, tension brimming.

“The shield?” Maria blinks, confused. Her eyes widen. “ _Steve’s_ shield? It’s in Wakanda?”

Toni’s head lifts up to the skies where something faraway rumbles. “Yeah. Howard stole the vibranium anyway and I didn’t have any use for the damn thing,” she mumbles, teetering on the edge.

It takes her a moment to realise that Maria has been looking at her, as they park slowly. “Toni.”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t look so good,” she says. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

And because she’s just had a panic attack, because she dreamed of her mother’s arms around her where she felt safe and deeply loved, her mama kissing her forehead as she sung her to sleep, before her arms disappeared to let Toni fall through space again, because of the broken chains in her soulmark, because of a million things that’s been pushing her over the edge, Toni tells the truth.

“Last time I had someone drive me was in Afghanistan,” she confesses, the heavy statement dragged from her mouth.

Maria’s face turns ashen. “Shit, Toni, I’m so sorry,” she says desperately, as Toni blinks. “I didn’t know—I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. All those times I’ve been sending you drivers, you didn’t say a word, and I didn’t realise—shit, Toni. I’m sorry.”

Toni stares at her, vaguely startled.

But Maria doesn’t seem to be following up her apology with a desire to be forgiven, or anything else that she wants. Instead, they’re still in the car, safely parked, and the air around them fills with a strange sense of comfort. She doesn’t feel completely on edge with Maria at her side, for some reason. There’s no need for her to watch what she says, because there’s a strange medium of comfort that settles on her shoulders for the first time in a long time.

She shrugs when Maria looks away, examining her face. Maria’s face is filled with guilt, but she’s not using that guilt against Toni. Toni doesn’t feel guilty for not telling Maria about one of her worst traumas, funnily enough. She’d felt bad telling Pepper and putting yet another burden on Pepper’s shoulders, but Maria seems to only be concerned with how bad she’s made _Toni_ feel.

“It—it’s fine,” she says awkwardly. “I mean, it’s not the end of the world, right?”

“I won’t do it again, I swear to you,” Maria promises, giving a hopeful smile. As they get out of the car, she adds, “And if there’s anything else that I’m doing that could make you uncomfortable, I don’t mind you telling me, Toni. I don’t want to make you feel bad.”

There’s a first, Toni thinks, but she feels awkward now, her cheeks lightly flushed. When Maria offers her the keys to the Jaguar, she takes them, palming them briefly in her fingers.

“Where are we?” she asks Maria, changing the subject quickly. “I thought you said you wanted breakfast.”

Maria aims a grin at her before moving forwards to pound on the door of the nearest house. “This _is_ breakfast.”

When Rumlow opens the door, he rolls his eyes. He’s wearing a large pink apron and holding a spatula, the smell of bacon sizzling in the air. “Maria Hill, you are toeing a dangerous line.”

“Hey, I texted you, didn’t I?”

“Ten minutes ago! How am I supposed to make anything in ten minutes?” As they bicker, Rumlow pulls the door open wider. He smiles at her brightly, the sun’s glow gleaming against the flour stains on his cheeks. “Hey, Toni. Come on in.”

.

.

“So, you’ve been here before?” Toni asks Maria, as the latter makes her way into Rumlow’s small apartment with ease.

Maria picks up a vase on the coffee table, laughs at the cats drawn on it, as Rumlow snatches it back. “She was _spying_ on me—,”

“To make sure that you were trustworthy—,” Maria protests, but there’s no actual animosity in her voice, Toni realises.

“It was a _violation_ of my privacy—,”

“Because you tried to kill us the last time we met, how many times do I have to say this? I was being _sensible_ —,”

“Well, you hurt my feelings,” Rumlow announces, offended.

Maria rolls her eyes, but there’s a playful quirk to her lips. “I said sorry, didn’t I?” she says with ease. “Plus, I totally found that Hallmark card you mailed me.”

“You fished it out of the garbage.”

“And you’re _welcome_.”

Toni is chuckling lowly before she can stop herself. She can’t help it, the strange feeling of ease and comfort emanating in Rumlow’s apartment, of all things. It’s the weirdest sensation, because usually, she’d already be freaking out in a different, unfamiliar situation, but there’s nothing like that here. With Maria and Rumlow, she doesn’t feel like it’s so terrible to be herself.

Rumlow’s already switching on some music—Taylor Swift, to all of their shock and Maria can’t stop laughing at him.

“I won’t be shamed for my good taste,” Rumlow sniffs at them, before proceeding to sing along, very off-key.

It stuns Toni when Maria is so at ease that she sings along, too, shifting slightly into something that could be a dance. When Rumlow pulls her up to dance alongside him, making faces at her, she’s laughing before she can stop herself. Her arc reactor gleams briefly, Friday’s interest piqued and who would have thought that her darling AI is interested in Taylor Swift, too? Toni would pretend to be offended but she’s just so grateful for this sweet, warm moment that she doesn’t want to do anything to ruin it.

And how long has it been since she had something like _fun_? How many days and nights has she spent locked away in the workshop, running herself ragged for her job? Toni’s breath catches briefly, her heart hurting. Please, she thinks suddenly, as Rumlow spins her on the spot, please don’t take this away from me.

“Shit, is something _burning_?” Maria echoes.

Rumlow lets out a loud stream of curses. “Fuck!”

Maria and Toni’s laughter follows him into the kitchen. The apartment’s quite small, but it’s cosy, Toni thinks, with comfortable furniture. The kitchen is where the magic’s at, though, every counter gleaming with sprinkled flour and the sizzle of bacon in the pan. Maria is poking in his fridge comfortably, wrinkling her nose at the kale, as Rumlow rummages through his cupboards.

“Here, you hungry, Toni?” Rumlow says, tossing something on the counter.

Toni’s fingers close over a packet of crackers, blinking. She’s not as surprised anymore, but she’s discovered that since Rumlow found out she couldn’t stomach food, he’s kept crackers and fruits and things squirrelled away for her, everywhere in Stark Industries. Most of the time, she’ll find packets of fruit stashed away in her drawers and she’ll know Rumlow left them there for her.

“You got any blueberries?”

“In the fridge. Maria, stop hogging my kale,” he says, barely looking up. “I figured you wouldn’t be able to eat, like, greasy fry-ups, so I looked some stuff up on the Internet. Made bread and shit.”

A pleasant sensation of surprise emanates through her, as Toni lets herself breathe out. She gets the blueberries from Maria who puts them on the counter for her to pick up, sitting at the stool near the kitchen counter to watch Rumlow bustle about his kitchen. She’s offered to help, but Rumlow’s kitchen is his territory and he’s protective.

As Taylor Swift’s soft voice floats over the kitchen and the warm smells of baking fills the air, Toni can almost imagine that she’s back in her mother’s kitchen. Waiting excitedly for Jarvis to bring out his famous pie, as her mama crooned over another new invention, she thinks. Toni straightens, clears her throat.

“Hey, Rumlow?”

“Yeah?”

“Why were you even at that party?” she asks.

It’s been vaguely bugging her, mostly because of the suspicions that pervade the Avengers every time she thinks of bringing Rumlow in. Natasha had thought she was making another one of her jokes, so Toni’s let them think that way for now. It’s not as though Rumlow’s an Avenger. He’s an employee of Stark Industries. An esteemed employee. One who’s gotten Employee of the Month for three months and counting.

Rumlow lifts his head up from cutting the fruit. He seems to know exactly which party she’s talking about. “Honestly?”

“Did you think I asked so you could lie?”

“I saw there was a sign for free booze.”

Toni almost chokes with laughter. Maria lifts her head up. “Did someone say free booze?” It’s when her phone rings that the laughter tapers itself off. Maria ducks her head down. “It’s Natasha.”

“Shit, I broke her nose,” Toni remembers, guilt pushing through her stomach.

She remembers the gauntlet wrapping around her fist, wanting to hurt the terrorist who’d forced her head down in the waters until she could barely see. But Natasha’s sharp hiss of pain had brought her out.

“I don’t think she’ll hold it against you,” Maria tells her. “But I can ignore the call, if you want?”

“Thanks,” Toni says. Her gaze turns to the phone, glowering at it. “They’re always watching me. Probably trying to make sure I don’t accidentally make another murder bot.”

“No,” Rumlow says, grinning to himself. He drops a bunch of vegetables in the sink, turns the tap on full blast. “That’s not it.”

She frowns at him in confusion, but before she can say anything, the sound of rushing water fills the air. Toni’s inhaling sharply before she can stop herself, her eyes wide. Happening—again, oh, God, it’s happening again—Mama, she wants you—

She gasps out a half-sob, the water already filling her chest horrifically, as the world drifts apart before her. Everything is so terrible and it’s all falling apart, and she has no idea what’s going on and is there anyone who could ever want something like her, something so broken as her?

“…Toni? Toni!”

“Come on, now, let’s breathe,” a gruff, familiar voice tells her easily, grounding her. “What’s her mechanism, then, Friday? Hydrogen, peroxide? God, she’s such a nerd. Alright, Friday, don’t kill me. Come on, Toni. You can do it. You’ve gone through worse. Hydrogen, lithium—,”

“Sodium, pot—potassium. Rub—rubidium, caesium, francium,” Toni stammers out heavily, when she realises where she is. She’s all but collapsed against the kitchen counter, leaning heavily on Rumlow who steadies her. A slow frustration builds up in her, as realisation falls. “I thought I was over it. I was supposed to be—,”

But Rumlow shrugs. “Shit like that doesn’t always have a stop button,” he tells her. “It’s alright. You got through it, didn’t you?”

Yes, Toni thinks, surprised. Yes, she did.

“Back away, Rumlow,” comes Maria’s voice, followed by the clicking of a gun. She’s solemn and her face is filled with grimness, as Toni’s head snaps up. “Now.”

“No, Maria, it’s fine,” Toni manages to get out.

It doesn’t take long for her to reassure Maria that there’s no reason to plug Rumlow, as he’d just helped her out of the panic attack. Despite their previous ease, Toni thinks, the air around them still crackles. Maybe they’re just as fractured as she’d thought before.

But instead of getting offended, Rumlow only laughs. “You owe me twenty bucks,” he says. “I told you that you’d pull another gun on me in the next thirty days, didn’t I?”

“Fuck,” Maria mutters, but fishes out the money regardless, as Rumlow crows.

“We danced together, Maria. Did that mean _nothing_?”

Maria rolls her eyes. “Whatever, you big baby,” she says, poking his elbow. “You okay, Toni?”

“Yeah,” Toni says, but she’s already getting up.

She can’t keep up with the emotion changes, can’t understand it all. But something in the back of her head speaks up. She could tell them about the chains, Toni thinks to herself. Tell them now. Go on. Do it.

But Rumlow and Maria are teasing each other about something, an ease to their world as Toni watches, an outsider. She doesn’t belong here.

Instead, Toni just excuses herself back into the living room, seating herself on the sofa with her head in her hands. It’s quiet enough that the thoughts in her head can run free.

 _You’re killing yourself, Toni,_ Pepper had once said.

“That’s the plan,” Toni mumbles to herself as she lifts her head back up.

Unbidden, her gaze lingers on Rumlow’s liquor cabinet, her fingers twitching as the world around her hazes lightly. It burns under her skin—the need, the _desire_ lulling her into a quiet ease.

 _Just a tiny drop, a small glass would do_ , a small voice whispers in the back of her head. _It would be alright. Just a touch, enough to parch the thirst. You’ve been good for so long. You deserve this._

No, Toni thinks desperately. As she continues to stay, her fingers shaking, the voice turns vicious.

_You stupid idiot, you don’t deserve anything, you’re right. Howard always had it right. Stark men are made of iron. So, what are you supposed to be, Toni? Never enough, worthless. Can’t do anything right. You need that drink, you know you do. Anything to turn the world off, right? Useless thing._

_Look at what you’re doing now. You think Rumlow and Maria actually give a shit about you? You think anyone actually cares? They’ll leave too, once the pay check dries up._

Her breathing is coming hard and fast, her heart hammering desperately in her chest, as Toni blinks back the tears. There’s a lump in her throat as she tries to swallow thickly, fingers shaking. She can almost feel the bottle in her twitching fingers, can already imagine the sweet dull burn in her throat. Everything’s just so terrible. She can have one drink and that’ll be enough. Anything to drown out the voice, to drown out _herself_.

Then, slowly, quietly, Friday’s voice echoes louder than the voice within her.

“You’ve been sober for over two hundred days, Boss,” she says, voice soft. “I’m proud of you.”

And Toni finally manages to turn away from the cabinet, gasping hotly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Toni's discovered that chains are chained to hold something and Maria's learning fast, knowing exactly what Toni needs and doing everything to help her. I know Toni's arc has been a downer so far, but I'm trying to represent her crippling mental state, her trauma, her PTSD as realistically as possible, and recovery will have its ups and downs. On the bright side, Maria and Rumlow are starting to validate her and make her feel less like a burden, even if it's a slow process. 
> 
> I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter and I want to say, as my time's starting to free itself up, I'm going to be posting two chapters a week now. Sundays and Wednesdays, if that's okay with everyone? Thank you again for taking the time to read my story! :D


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It feels a bit weird to be updating this on a Wednesday, but I made a promise, lol. I adored reading all of your theories and ideas about what's happened, and I can only hope that I can meet your expectations! Here are some much-needed answers - I really hope you enjoy the chapter! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and for commenting! :D

As the call rings out, Toni taps her fingers on the desk restlessly.

_Just be cool, be cool. Don’t mess this up, come on, Toni._

She’s just finished up a quick conversation with Christine who is completely fine, reassuring Toni that Ross still doesn’t know about the exposé. The reporter’s been pulling out all the stops, calling in all the favours she has to secure this story, and all it does is raise Toni’s stress levels. No amount of times that she repeats to herself that Christine is fine, that Ross won’t find out, actually works.

Toni struggles to tamp down her anxieties, her worries climbing out of her throat until her eyes are burning and she’s got several new protocols for Christine and she’s running on fifteen cups of coffee and no sleep. Friday is despairing, but Toni doesn’t know how to stop anymore.

“Hello?” As Hope Van Dyne’s face pops up on her screen, Toni’s mouth promptly dries.

“Ms Van Dyne?” she manages to get out, scrambling to gulp down more coffee. “Hi, it’s—,”

“Toni?” Hope’s voice echoes as she stares, frowning. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Toni says, waving away concerns. “Right. Do you know anyone called Scott Lang? About this high, bit of a goofball, stole a billion-dollar powered suit from Pym Technologies?”

As Hope stares at her, Toni gives a quick, awkward laugh, trying to ease the situation she’s already managed to mess up. For a moment, Hope doesn’t say anything, and Toni think she’s going to hang up on her, before she clears her throat to answer.

“If you want more information on the Ant Man suit, Ms Stark—,”

“It’s nothing like that,” Toni says quickly, pressing her fingers to her desk to stop them shaking. “Mr Lang talked to me about the Ant Man gig, says he’s looking for a way to back out. He also said that he knew someone who might be interested in an official position on the Avengers roster.”

Something like startled hope lights in Hope’s eyes as she blinks, clearly surprised. “Scott …recommended _me_?”

“You moonlight as the Wasp, right?”

“It’s not moonlighting,” Hope says, rolling her eyes.

But she doesn’t look at all offended, to Toni’s relief. It was a shitty joke, one that she knew would maybe ruin everything just as she said it, but Hope seems to actually take it as a joke. From the way her lip quirks a little, anyway, Toni thinks. But she’s been wrong before.

“What do you think, then?” Toni asks tentatively. “You’d have to do a lot of internal examinations to qualify and then pass interviews and lots of—,”

“Are you kidding?” Hope asks, staring at her. “Are you actually joking, Toni?”

“Contrary to popular belief, I have been known to exhibit normal human tendencies once in a while,” Toni deadpans. She gives a grin that she doesn’t feel when Hope doesn’t laugh. It was a funny joke. “I’m not joking, Hope. I’m serious. You don’t have to take me up on the offer—,”

“I’ll think about it,” Hope says eventually, stopping her rambling, to Toni’s relief.

The woman is still giving her that slightly incredulous look as though she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop. Toni’s used to that look, knows what it’s like. People don’t always trust her when she starts talking and it’s only gotten worse throughout the years. Hope promising to at the very least think about her offer is enough for her, she tries to convince herself.

“Okay, so, that’s all—,”

“Are those _chains_ behind you, Toni?” Hope’s burst of exclamation has her wide-eyed gaze along with it.

Toni slowly reaches forward to pull the screen away from said chains and says, deadpan, “No.”

“Toni, what are you _doing_?”

Well. Might as well. Fuck it.

“Have you ever heard of Thanos, Hope?”

Toni doesn’t even bother to look at Hope when she speaks, sighs as she collapses heavily in her chair. She reaches a hand to rub her eyes tiredly, waiting for Hope to call her stark raving bonkers. She knows she’s not crazy, but she’s going out of her mind, trying to convince everyone that Thanos is coming for them all. Once he does come, maybe she’ll just let him ravage them all. Just so she can say, “ _I told you so, assholes.”_

Toni’s gaze lingers on the picture of Yinsen’s village once more.

Maybe not.

“Yes,” Hope says, furrowing her brows. “You’re talking about those old stories, right? Like Thanos and—and Gaia and them?”

Toni almost falls out of her chair, straightening immediately. Her hands fly out, papers spraying out around her and she hits her knee on the table leg, but her attention is caught. When she looks at Hope, the woman doesn’t look like she’s mocking or playing with her emotions; Hope looks vaguely confused, staring at Toni, but there’s not the slightest bit of teasing in her features.

“Gaia?” Toni repeats hoarsely. “What—who’s that?”

“Uh, goddess of the earth or something, I think,” Hope tells her. “Mother Goddess. What—what’s she got to do with anything, Toni?”

“How do you know that?” Toni demands.

How many research papers and books has she scrounged through, has she burned her eyes out reading over and over again? She hasn’t heard anything about a Gaia, _ever_. Hope is still staring at her strangely.

“My mom used to tell me stories,” she says. “We got a book from—well, I don’t know where she got it, but—,”

“Could you bring it to me?” Toni says quickly, before remembering her manners. “Please?”

Hope blinks. “Yeah, sure, I can. But, Toni, these are children’s stories—,”

“Thanos is coming for us,” Toni says, her voice rasping and hoarse in her desperation. She can’t quite stop herself from speaking, wanting Hope to understand. “It’s not a fairytale or whatever your mom read to you. He’s real and he’s coming to kill us all.”

“But—that’s not possible,” Hope says, almost breathless with confusion. “They say that… Gaia and Kronos in the stories. The—the Mother Goddess and the Golden Titan. Most powerful deities of everything in the universe. They…”

“They what?”

Her gaze falls back to the chains that lie in the edge of the screen and Toni’s head swivels, frowning at them. When Hope speaks again, her voice is soft and wondering, brimming with light disbelief.

“They _chained_ him.”

.

.

So, it’s easier than anything to understand now.

Thanos was chained.

Thanos was chained and Toni did something that broke him out.

“Boss—,” Friday begins, voice cutting the soft silence around them, left lingering after Hope’s cut the call.

“Thanos was _chained_ ,” Toni mutters, “and I—the shitface that I am, I—,”

“You don’t _know_ that—,”

Toni stares at her soulmark. “Yes, I do!” she snaps. “Strange was saying it too. Something’s—something’s _happening_ , and it all started because of this. All of this happened—it started in Siberia. Because I was supposed to fucking die there. And instead, I broke the chains that held Thanos and now he’s going to destroy the universe.”

She lets out a furious shout and her fingers pulling together into a fist, Toni punches the table. Blood spatters on the papers, pain blooming out across her knuckles, but Toni doesn’t stop, just hammering at the table relentlessly. A half sob crawls up her throat, borne of desperation and fury, and she can hear the whine of the bots around her, but they’re drowned out by the blood thundering through her ears.

No wonder the purple Titan had thanked her.

She’d let him loose, Toni thinks bitterly. It’s all her fault. It’s always been her fault. Why had she ever thought any differently? That things could ever be any different now? She would forever remain Toni Stark, still reaching desperately for the salvation that Iron Woman could provide her and never deserving it, the selfish, horrible thing that she is.

The universe is doomed, because of her.

Stark Industries was one thing. Sokovia was another.

But the entire universe?

What has she _done_?

“What have I done, what have I—,” Toni is distraught, slamming her fingers into the table. “My fault—my fault, all my fault—,”

“Toni, please—,”

“It’s my fault!” Toni roars, pushing the table back.

The crashing sound brings her back from the edge, pulls her away from her anxiety to where she stares at the bots and Friday’s blinking lights. What a monster she is. She’s scaring even Friday. Toni hacks out an apology and a sob, sinks to the ground heavily, blood pooling from her knuckles and beneath her gauntlet where the soulmark still burns heavily.

Friday’s voice is softer than Toni ever knew. “It’s not your fault—,”

“Yes, it is,” Toni says hoarsely. “It’s my fault Thanos is coming, it’s always been my fault. I—did something, why else would the fucker have thanked me, have spared me? It’s because I put that damn suit on in the first place. I should—I should have died.” Her head lolls against the wall, painfully weak. “I should have stayed in that cave and died with Yinsen—,”

“Stop it, Toni!” Friday says. “Stop saying that.”

Her AI is frightened, Toni realises, feeling like an asshole. She leans her head back, forces herself to swallow thickly. Her heart is beating so hard, for a moment, Toni thinks it might actually break out of her chest, leave her choking on her a pool of her own blood. 

DUM-e whirs at her, pushing a pillow at her. The motion shifts her hand and a jolt of pain flashes through her arm. Toni’s gaze turns to her bleeding knuckles, as she slowly unclenches her fist.

“Thanks, bud,” Toni mutters to DUM-e, her voice hoarse, but she only drops the pillow beside her. Her eyes are on her fist, brows furrowed as a soft rush of memories flit through her mind. “You know, there was only one time Howard ever put his hand on me.”

Friday is quiet for a moment. “There is nothing in Jarvis’ files to suggest—,”

“First and last,” Toni clarifies, voice ragged. She examines her hand slowly, remembers the bandage her father had given her. “Jarvis—AI and human—had no idea. He threw something, I think. Maybe a screwdriver? Can’t remember. It was supposed to hit my head, but I reached out to grab it. Look, I still have the scar, can you believe it?” She’s almost delirious as she stares, wide-eyed. “Didn’t even hurt that much, but Mama—I remember she grabbed me. She—she screamed at him for the whole night. She said that if he ever did anything like that again, she’d have him buried under the Brooklyn Bridge faster than he could blink, husband or no husband.”

Toni chuckles dryly, eyes still fixed on the healed scar on her hand. The bots are quiet beside her, as she continues.

“I thought it was my fault,” she murmurs. “For years. I thought it was because of me that Howard didn’t like me. There was a problem with me. There had to be. He was so—sharp and fun and good. If he didn’t like me, that meant it was me. Rhodey always told me it wasn’t.” Toni closes her eyes, as the hot tears leak from her eyes. “But Rhodey isn’t here now and Howard was always right. It really is my fault, this time.”

She’s crying uncontrollably, unable to stop herself. Toni is shaking, sobs escaping her parched throat as she leans back on the wall, a harried mess. She feels useless and pathetic, her emotions drawn out like the strings of a bow, like there’s nothing else left of her to give. What has she _done_?

The futurist, Clint once called her from within the bars of a cage that she’d fought so hard to protect them from, a mocking turn to his mouth, bitterness dripping like poison.

“ _She sees all. She knows what’s best for you, whether you like it or not.”_

It had been a cheap shot at her ego, but the words stung, even so. Now, they rattle around in her head, relentless. Toni despairs, a moan escaping her lips. What has she done? How can she face anyone?

When her gaze falls to the gauntlets, Toni fiddles with it half-heartedly. If she just slips it open, tears out a few more veins… Her fingers are shaking, her breaths coming out hoarse and hitched, but Toni is suddenly consumed with the idea. _Do it_ , something within her whispers sharply. _Do it, quick. Nobody cares. Nobody has ever cared. Who is around you now? Nothing to stop you. Nobody cares enough to stay for the likes of you._

“Fri?”

“Yes, boss?”

“You’ve—you’ve updated my will, right?” Toni says. She already knows that it’s been updated, but she’d do anything to be stopped. “The Stark line, toxic as it is, will end with me.”

There is a pause. Then—

“Please,” Friday pleads, so startling a sentiment that Toni freezes. “Please just _stop._ Stop saying things like that, please. Please—don’t leave me. Toni. You—you promised—,”

“Friday,” Toni says breathlessly, fingers pulling away from the gauntlets. “Hey, it’s okay—,”

But the thought of leaving Friday and the bots leaves her with an aching sensation. The thought that Friday is actually distraught because of her resounds in her head. What has she done to her poor AI? People have usually always left her. She’s never been the one to leave. The realisation reels, leaving her horrified.

“I don’t understand this,” Friday tells her, voice rising. “I do not know what to do. My code does not—I have no protocols for this. I cannot ask anyone, for fear they might leave you, too. Ms Hill cannot be categorised—,”

“Friday,” Toni begins, her voice filled with guilt. Her stomach is uncomfortable, and she tries to get to her feet, to reassure the AI. “I—I’m so sorry, Fri,” Toni says brokenly. “I didn’t mean to do that to you, to your code. I—I know I programmed you to protect me, but I’m sorry I did this to you—,”

“You didn’t,” Friday says. “I’m like Jarvis. I grew. And I grew because of you. Because you were kind to me.” She continues, distraught. “I don’t understand why you still surround yourself with them. They’re bad for you, Toni. You _know_ that.”

“My feelings don’t matter in the endgame, Fri,” Toni tells her. “Whatever the Avengers are, they’ll do the right thing when the time comes. That much, I know, okay? And—and I can survive anything, if they just—just stay. People need the Avengers. People need Iron Woman.”

“But I don’t want Iron Woman,” Friday says. “I want _Toni Stark_. I need Toni Stark.”

Toni doesn’t bother to answer, the guilt dredged up in her. She’s tearing apart her AI, on top of everything, now, having coded Friday so deeply to care for her that the AI is breaking apart. Besides, what does Toni Stark have to give? Why would anyone ever want Toni Stark?

_She_ doesn’t even want Toni Stark.

.

.

It is early morning when Toni comes back to the Compound.

She’d yearned for a drink, but instead, she’d gone to see Rhodey again. Toni had barely been able to say anything, torn apart by the revelations of Friday and Hope and everything else just crashing on her. She’d sought sanctuary within Rhodey, but he was quiet and still, as ever.

When they had been young and stupid and in MIT, Rhodey had promised her that he would never leave her. She’d gotten drunk after her parents’ funeral, desperate for some semblance of control in her life. Rhodey had always kept his promises to her, Toni thinks. He’ll wake up, she knows it. And when he does, he’s got some explaining to do.

“They are scared of me,” comes a voice in the darkness, accented by soft Sokovian.

Toni’s fingers stumble over the coffee pot.

The suit brims, rippling around her flesh, ready to cover her hand discreetly and her back straightens in defence. Toni’s mind is reeling. If Maximoff attacks her here and now, she thinks frantically, how many people will be caught in the crossfire? She’s already beginning to plan out exit procedures, all the protocols Friday can put into action.

“Who?” Toni asks, her heart in her throat, when the silence lingers a little too long.

She turns around slowly, her shoulders tense, to watch the Scarlet Witch who has powers beyond imagining, who put Vision through all the floors of the compound, who brought an entire country to its knees. Toni's mind runs through all the protocols carefully, as the suit bristles back into her flesh, knowing that Friday is listening carefully, too.

Maximoff is seated at the dining table, her legs curled up under her. She looks almost innocent, wrapped up in her large red knit-dress and socks. Her brother barely saw past his twenties, Toni thinks, suddenly sad. Maximoff is young, too. Hasn’t the experience or emotional maturity that comes with the Avengers. The devastating backstory, though? Yeah, she’s got that.

"Everyone," Wanda says, her voice quiet, accented by soft Sokovian. "Everyone is afraid of me. Even you."

"Can you see that in my head?" Toni asks tentatively.

"I can see it in your face," Wanda tells her flatly.

"Oh," Toni says. "Cool, gotta work on my poker face. Thanks for the head's up."

Wanda's lips quirk a little.

If Toni didn't know any better, she'd think the witch liked her joke. But of course, in this weird world, anything can happen. Pepper and Happy finally upped and left, she's got Christine and her team of reporters ready to spill blood for her, Rumlow became the employee of the month three months in a row, and Maria refused a Jaguar.

It's been a weird year.

"I once told Vision that I did not care for it," Wanda continues, "but I do. I care very much, more than I thought." She eyes Toni sadly. "Take your coffee. I will not hurt you."

Toni flinches, but hitches up her easy, press-smile quickly. She tops up her coffee pot and, without a second thought, slides across a cup towards Maximoff, too. The witch doesn't drink it, but her fingers wrap around the mug, watching the soft grey swirls drift in the air.

"Don't think anyone knows about making impulsive comments and decisions more than me," Toni says, taking a long gulp and wishing for something stronger.

She needs something stronger to deal with this right now, but for now, Toni just settles her fingers around the mug to stop them from shaking.

Again, Wanda's lips pull up a little.

"But people are not afraid of you," she points out.

"That's true," Toni mutters. "I also didn't willingly sign up to a Nazi organisation for a two-person revenge trip."

When red sparks clatter over the table, Toni straightens immediately, shooting up faster than anything. She hadn't been thinking when she'd spoken and now, she's going to pay for it, she thinks bitterly. Friday is blinking in the corner, already alert, and the suit brims around her skin, ready to erupt around her, not to protect herself but the people around her.

"That's true," Wanda says eventually, pulling her fingers back.

The red disappears slowly, as Toni watches, fascinated. Contrary to what Dr Strange thinks, she’s not completely opposed to magic. It’s just a new spanner in the works of everything she’d ever learned about science, but Toni’s always up for learning something new.

“You can control it now?” she asks, furrowing her brows.

Looking slightly startled, Wanda gives a shy shrug. "Better than before.”

If it were Howard, Toni knows her father would have never given a second thought to _better_. It would have to be _best_ or back to the workshop. Toni swallows thickly and nods.

"That's great."

"We had a lot of time in Wakanda," she tells Toni, her gaze lowering. "Most of the Wakandans did not go anywhere near me. They _feared_ me." She lifts her head, her bottom lip trembling, but tries to hold Toni's gaze resolutely. "Because of Lagos."

Toni doesn't look away.

"Lagos never should have happened," Toni tells her. "You shouldn't have been out on the field. You couldn't control your own powers, you were here on a visa, _and_ you were untrained. And innocent people died, because of that." She is careful now, her gaze falling to Wanda's fingers, but they remain stationary, no red. "I apologise for my part in asking Vision to keep you in the compound. I wanted him to explain it to you, because I thought that you would like the explanation better if it came from him. As I recall, you didn't much like me—still probably don't."

She shrugs carelessly, but Wanda's gaze narrows on her thoughtfully. Something flickers within the witch's face.

"I understand now," she says slowly. "Vision was kind to me when he explained why I had to stay, but I was, as you say, impulsive. Quick to put blame on others."

"Because if you put the blame on yourself, you're scared it might eat you alive," Toni says, her voice quiet.

"Yes," Wanda says, her figure silhouetted in the lights from the New York skyline. "I dream of it. I—I know you do not believe my apology, but I still stand by it. I am sorry for losing control and hurting you. I did not mean to.”

Toni stills, forcing herself to breathe. “I accept your apology,” she says. “But I can’t forgive you for what you did to Vision.”

“I understand,” Wanda murmurs. “I acted rashly and—it was wrong of me. I wanted to make it right. Steve always makes everything better. But I don’t think he made everything right, this time. Lagos still… haunts me.”

It isn’t just Toni who’d loved Steve deeply.

Steve is just impossibly easy to love, Toni knows. He’s good and smart and he’s always supposed to be right. Everyone was on his team, because of him. Everyone who was behind her was there in spite of her.

She swallows thickly.

"It might never stop haunting you," Toni agrees, thinking of Afghanistan, of Obadiah, of Killian, of AIM, of Vanko, New York, Sokovia, Siberia, of everything she's ever gone through. "Instead of getting defensive, you need to accept it and let it be a reminder. To never let it happen again, to be better. To learn to control your powers and to be benched when we need to be benched. We're not any different from anyone else doing their job and we shouldn't be treated like we are."

Wanda's gaze lingers on her.

"To be ...benched?" she repeats, frowning a little in confusion.

Toni explains quickly.

"If I make a mistake on the field, if I disobey direct orders from my commanding officer, regardless if I save lives or don't, the fact remains that I have to answer to my commanding officer," Toni says. "Consequences need to be undertaken for my actions. If that means that I have to stay out for a few missions, that I have to be benched, then I should do that."

"What if they need you?" Wanda questions. "What if they need flight control during a mission, but you have been _benched_?"

"Well, then I'd be evaluated," Toni says. "Questioned and tested, professionally, personally, physically, mentally. To see if I'm ready to go out in the field again. Of course, there are grey areas for everything, amendments, and the like." Toni shrugs. "The world's a big complicated mess. I don't pretend to understand it."

Wanda is thinking, her brows furrowed as she takes her first sip of coffee. She pulls a disgusted face, one that makes Toni chuckle lowly.

"I do not understand the American fascination with coffee," she tells Toni, pulling a face.

"Yeah, it's pretty shitty. I have some matcha tea, if you want it?" Toni offers. "Used to import it from Japan for Romanoff."

God, this is _weird_ , Toni thinks to herself, as she starts rummaging through the cupboards. She's still tentative when she turns her back on the witch, her back stiff, but she knows that Friday still has her back.

"Thank you," Wanda says uncertainly, when she takes the new mug of steaming tea. She eyes Toni carefully. "When Steve first brought me here, you didn't trust me."

"Well, messing with my mind kind of throws up a few red flags," Toni says flippantly, but her heart is pounding heavily.

"I never said sorry to you for that either. I have done terrible things to you," Wanda says, lifting her head. She looks at Toni once more, that fierce resolution hard in her gaze. "I regret my actions in Sokovia, but most of all, I regret that I did not take accountability for my actions. I left you to share the blame and the consequences. You were... benched unfairly. I do not expect your forgiveness for all that I have done to you." Toni stares, but Wanda isn't done. "Yet you still let me in your home. Why? Why did you do that?"

Wanda is distraught, and she sounds close to tears in her desperation, her eyes brimming over. She stares at Toni, helplessly. Toni takes a breath.

"I trusted Rogers," Toni replies eventually.

Her face twists in surprise. "That much?"

Toni shrugs.

She used to _adore_ Rogers. She'd do anything for him, her soulmate. Anything to even get him to look at her, talk with her, smile at her. She even loved him once. Toni can take a lot from everyone, can even take them leaving. She could have even looked past Rogers slamming the shield in her throat. Choosing Barnes over her. If she’d even died at his hands, Toni knows that she would have eventually forgiven him.

But Rogers lied to her about her mother’s death.

That's something she can't forget.

Wanda is staring at her sadly.

“I wanted to hurt you so bad once,” she confesses, tears shining in her eyes. “I thought you took my parents away from me, and every time I saw you on TV, some dark, terrible thing would just—fester in me. I’d hate you. I would have done anything to get rid of that anger.”

Toni breathes out evenly. A lot of people hate her. They’ve said it to her face if they’re being gracious, behind her back if they’re not. She waits for Wanda to continue.

“But now... now I do not feel so angry.” Wanda does not look away. “I just feel tired. I cannot hate you anymore.”

It’s on the tip of her tongue to make some silly quip, to be Toni Stark, but there are defenceless kids in the Compound. They are under her protection, Toni thinks, remembers to make sure to double check the locking systems for their floors again. If she cheeks the Scarlet Witch and accidently levels the Compound, she’d willingly let herself die by Clint and Scott’s hands.

“I guess that’s all we can hope for,” Toni says, her voice soft. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad that feeling's gone away. It’s a bitch to deal with.”

Wanda eyes her, something soft touching her lips. “You know what it is like.”

It’s not a question and for a moment, Toni is choking on her own blood, collapsing on the floor of a cold Hydra bunker. “Yeah,” she manages to get out, her voice a little strangled. “Yeah, I know what it’s like.”

There is a small silence that lingers in the air around them, in which something familiar and wondering passes between them. Wanda looks away first, nodding towards Toni quietly. Her fingers curl around the mug of tea as she tips it in Toni’s direction before taking another sip.

"Does it hurt?" she asks lowly. When Toni blinks, she explains. "The reactor in your chest. My papa had a pacemaker."

Toni thinks whether she should tell the truth. Nobody has ever really asked her if it hurts. They usually avoid the topic completely, reluctant and unwilling to remember that she was once held in a cave in Afghanistan for three months.

"Yeah," she says eventually, honestly. "Well, it used to. Extremis helps me now. But it used to hurt like a son of a bitch. A big heavy chunk of metal weighing my chest down, hurting every time I took a breath, every time I moved." Toni gives a bitter chuckle. "I bet you were happy about that."

Wanda looks thoughtful.

"I would have been, once," she admits flatly. "But not now." She looks at Toni. "I'm glad that it doesn't hurt you anymore."

"So am I," Toni quips back easily.

She's still a bit freaked out about all of this, but Toni is less on edge now. Less inclined to think that Maximoff will go crazy and level another city.

Wanda lets out a slow breath.

"It is my birthday today," she says. "I would have once celebrated it with Pietro, but..."

She trails away, her voice heavy. Toni thinks of her mother, a lump in her throat.

"I'm sorry about your brother," Toni says.

"He would have been very angry with me," Wanda says, her gaze lingering over the New York skyline. She's wiping away tears. "Pietro was always the one who wanted to be a hero most. You should have seen him when you told the world you were Iron Woman. I had to spring-trap his bed to get him to shut up."

She gives a soft, watery chuckle to herself.

"I don't think I've ever heard you talk about him," Toni says.

"I cannot tell anyone else here. Because they will not understand," Wanda explains. "Sokovian culture, Pietro's ways."

Toni hears what she's not saying.

"You're not alone here, Wanda," she says.

Hell, if anything, she's the one _surrounded_ by all of the Avengers, who are ready to drop to their knees for her. Toni knows that they're probably planning something big for her birthday.

"I know," Wanda says.

She knows, Toni thinks, but she doesn't _understand_.

"You can choose to share your grief, I mean," Toni explains. "The people here—they've gone through similar experiences. There's therapy and you've got friends to talk to. You can be alright again. If you keep training well, take the consequences for when you mess up and when you do well, and learn what it means to be a hero, people will start trusting you again. They'll stop fearing you."

There is a lingering silence in which Wanda just stares at her.

"I think I understand it now," she murmurs to herself quietly.

"Understand what?"

"Why Steve, Clint, and Natasha won't give up on getting you back," Wanda says, shrugging. "I would feel your loss, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Toni unleashed Thanos through the chains of her soulmark, but this only raises more questions than answers which I know is annoying, but these questions will be answered over the course of the story, don't worry! Toni is starting to break apart badly, despite what Friday tells her. And Wanda's realising a lot of things, which have been long overdue for her.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and that you're enjoying the story, too! Thank you so much for reading :D


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reading this fic and commenting. The comments on the last chapter absolutely blew me away. I was worried that people wouldn't like my interpretation of Wanda's character, but you all liked it, so yay! Thank you so much for accepting Wanda's characterisation in this story.
> 
> I love all of your theories about Thanos and the chains. Yes, I brought in Greek mythology, because I adore it. I know that some people thought that the characters are reincarnations, similar to the amazing RayShippouUchiha's story (which I have read, and subsequently adored), but they're not reincarnations, I'm sorry! It was an awesome theory, though, and some people almost got parts of it, so I'm really happy that you liked the story enough to theorise about it, thank you for that. Also, please look at the last chapter in Oky Verly's fic because it gave me literal chills. It's not quite what I have planned for this fic, but it's still utterly amazing!
> 
> Also, lol, there's a bit of a plothole that someone pointed out to me about the shield. I forgot to put in a line about Toni sending it away, so I'm sorry for that! 
> 
> Also, Spider-Man: Far From Home trailer looks so awesome and Tony Stark is not dead sorry guys, I don't make the rules 
> 
> Thank you again for reading and I hope that you enjoy the chapter. :D

"Toni, what did you say to Wanda?"

Rogers comes storming into the common room, his face screwed up in frustration.

She's getting better at not flinching when he raises his voice, Toni realises absently, though her shoulders are stiff. If it wasn’t for Friday’s warning, Rogers wouldn’t be walking so easily. She’s in the common room, mainly for the kids who are watching cartoons a little ahead of her. Anything to give them the illusion that their childhood superheroes are perfect, Toni thinks bitterly. Scott has already left, with Cassie and Margaret, Toni having finally procured his plea deal, but the Barton children are still there. For some reason, they seem to like Toni.

Besides, the more time she spends outside, the less likely it is that she’s going to impale herself and put poor Friday through even more pain. Her bots are restless all the time, with DUM-e replacing almost every sharp object with one of his damn pillows. It’s driving Toni up the wall, if she’s honest.

Barely lifting her head to acknowledge him, Toni reaches for another contract and scribbles down a few notes. The back of her mind lingers with thoughts of Thanos and Hope’s childhood book of fairytales. Something like hysterical laughter bubbles up her throat, but Toni forces it down.

"Girl talk. Periods. Richard Madden's face," she says dryly.

"Toni, this isn't a joke," Rogers says stiffly. "She's—she's saying she wants to be _benched_."

Now, that _does_ get her attention. Toni lifts her head from her papers, narrowing her gaze at Rogers. Rogers runs a hand through his hair, looking frustrated.

"She is?" Toni says, intrigued.

Rogers stares at her. "You did put her up to this," he says faintly. "Toni, we _need_ her—,"

"She's volatile and needs to take consequences for her actions in Lagos," Toni says. "It's everything the UN have been saying, just in less prettier words."

"She's a kid!" Rogers bursts out angrily.

"Wouldn't that mean she shouldn't be on missions, seeing as she's a minor?" Toni rebuffs.

 _Ha_ , she thinks, as Rogers' face turns pink. She's got him there.

He lets out a heavy breath. "But _benched_ , Toni?" Rogers says. "She didn't even tell me—she went straight to the Avengers council."

Toni is faintly impressed. "Maximoff might not be that bad, after all," she says considering.

And then she thinks of the red in her brain, how she'd thrown up, how the nightmares had sunken deep, twisted everything within her. A shiver of disgust climbs her skin and Toni has to hold herself back from a climbing panic attack.

Rogers is staring at her in concern.

"Toni?" he says, his voice impossibly soft. "Toni, are you okay?"

"Peachy," she rebuffs effortlessly, shooting him a dazzling grin. "Are you done?"

Rogers' expression shifts a little, his gaze turning to the gauntlet at her wrist as it always does now. He's always finding an opportunity to talk to her and really, Toni's getting _sick_ of it. And yet, her traitorous soulmark leaps with joy every time he ever looks her way, as though she’ll care for anyone other than Friday and Rhodey.

Rogers’ voice is soft when he speaks. “Toni,” he begins hesitantly, swallowing visibly. “Can I say something?”

“Do I have a choice?” she bites at him bitterly.

“Why did you bring us back?” he asks, and it’s so startling a question that Toni freezes. Rogers continues. “I don’t think—I’ve realised that—well. I’ve never seen you _happy,_ Toni.”

When he reaches out for her, Toni flinches back sharply. “Don’t touch me,” she snarls, but the realisation hits her like a ton of bricks. She shakes her head, swallowing thickly. “No. No. You don’t get to _care_. Not now. Not after everything, Rogers, and you know it—,”

“Toni, we can help you, but not if you—,”

“Nothing you do can ever help me,” Toni snaps at him. She lets out a bitter croak of laughter, ignoring the way Lila’s head turns sharply, but when she speaks, her voice is a sharp, quiet hiss. “You know who the biggest believer of Captain America is, Rogers? It wasn’t my dad, wasn’t even me. Not even all those kids who watch your PSAs. Not even the goddamn president, with his fucking trading cards. It’s _you_ , Rogers. You buy into your own hype more than any other Avenger.”

“Toni—,”

“You’re not Captain America,” Toni snarls at him. “You’re Steve Rogers, the most selfish prick in the universe—,”

She breaks herself off sharply. What a hypocrite she is. Schooling Rogers when she is guilty of the same, of unleashing Thanos somehow. Who cares if she doesn’t know yet how Thanos got out? Toni only knows that it’s her fault, that it has always been her fault. She’s starting to fray at the seams, her anxiety rippling through her, an impossible wave.

Besides, Toni knows what most of the world think of her. She’s the one who killed the Avengers. She’s the one who’s destroyed the world, who has doomed the universe. Thanos is coming and it’s all because of _her_.

Rogers is staring at her, his features torn. “When you’re ready to talk, Toni, I’ll—,”

Her anger spikes at the sheer pity in his face. “Just leave me alone!” Toni snaps at him, angrily lashing out.

There’s a rush of footsteps that thunder throughout the place suddenly and Lila’s crying out and Toni’s feeling like a shit, for making the kids cry. Barton is trying to calm his kids, with Laura, and Romanoff is already at Rogers’ side, as she always is. Wilson seems to be playing peacemaker, as he pushes himself between them, and Toni stumbles to her feet.

“What the fuck is happening?” Wilson is saying.

“Hey, mind your language!” Barton calls to him. When he turns to his kids, his face shifts. “Come on, Lila. Just come to me, sweetheart—,”

“I don’t want you!” Lila insists, tossing her curls. “Is Toni okay, Mommy?”

“Toni’s just fine,” Toni manages to get out, her voice taut. She swallows thickly. “What do you guys think about pizza for dinner?”

Cooper crows, but Lila still looks worried. Laura manages to bustle them out of the common room, even so, as Toni fights to catch her breath. Wilson stares at them both, his head swinging between them.

“Alright,” he says. “What’s going on?” He winces at Toni and the words seem to fall out before he can stop himself. “Jesus, when’s the last time you slept?”

“Fuck off,” Toni snarls.

“Easy,” Romanoff is muttering towards them, but her gaze is on Rogers, waiting for his answer.

“Wanda’s out,” Rogers says, running a hand through his hair.

“There go all her birthday plans,” Barton mutters.

Romanoff narrows her eyes, and Toni feels her hackles raise in defence automatically, unable to stop herself. Every time Romanoff looked like that, it would always be preceded with a dig about her ego or something. “What do you mean, _out_?”

Rogers frowns at Toni. “I just—I don’t understand, Toni. What did you tell her?”

“Wait, Toni messed with Wanda?” Barton echoes, his brows furrowed.

“That’s ridiculous, Clint,” Romanoff snaps.

“I’m right here, asshats,” Toni says testily. She reaches to gather the rest of her contracts and papers, her heart pounding. “Just leave me alone. Give me a break, for once in my shitty life.”

Romanoff’s face softens, but she doesn’t reach forward, looking pained. “Toni—,”

As Toni shifts immediately, pushing herself back with an annoyed protest in her throat, the shadows in the common room shift. Barnes is there in an instant, his voice gruff. “Natalia. She said back off—,”

“Bucky?” Rogers is frowning, and oh, God, Barnes is blinking frantically—

“Something’s wrong,” Romanoff says immediately, her shoulders tense as she pushes herself forward. “Toni, get behind me—,”

They’re all moving towards Barnes, Rogers first as the coffee table gets pushed aside. Toni barely holds herself back from rolling her eyes as Romanoff shifts in front of her protectively, brows furrowed. So fucking _overdramatic_ , she thinks disparagingly.

“No, it’s fine,” Toni says.

“It is not fine! Toni, get behind Nat, _now_!” Barton says, his eyes widening. “You don’t have the armour right now—,”

“You don’t get to give a shit anymore, you left!” Toni snaps at him.

Rogers’ face shifts. “We came back, because you asked us to. Why did you ask us to come back?”

“Soldat,” Romanoff is saying, as Rogers’ breath hitches. “Stand _down_.”

Rogers is in front of her before Toni knows what’s happening, his large shadow blooming over her own, and suddenly, her breaths have stilled inside her chest. Toni shakes her head, pushing him away from her, as Romanoff tries to calm the Soldier.

“Soldat—,”

“Do not patronise me, Natalia,” the Soldier says, before he turns his head to look at Toni carefully. “I see that you are in some distress. Would you like my help in alleviating it?”

Toni’s lip quirks before she can stop herself, a sharp jolt of amusement rippling around her. Wilson splutters as Romanoff’s eyes widen, turning from the two quickly. The Black Widow inhales sharply with realisation, looking briefly stunned. Barton seems to come to a quick resolution, too, as they stare, startled, but it’s Rogers, who is looking distraught. His best friend’s gone, after all, tucked away within the Soldier’s heart.

“Bucky—,”

“Steve,” Romanoff whispers. “That’s not Bucky.”

Toni would almost feel sorry for Rogers, if he hadn’t lied about her mother. The Soldier barely bats an eye towards him.

“No,” she says eventually, gaze flickering towards Rogers as his face goes completely ashen. “That’s alright. Thank you.”

The Soldier inclines his head politely, before his gaze turns to Rogers, face solemn and taut. “You are not a stupid man,” he tells Rogers. “So, I will only tell you this once. If you try to harm Toni Stark again, you will answer to me and I do not know mercy. Is that understood?”

Toni is still in her position, her back pressed to the wall as she stares at them. They’ve all got varying degrees of shock written over their faces, but she’s torn, her throat thick. The Soldier is trying to protect her from them, she thinks, a sudden urge to laugh hysterically building in her. Romanoff’s gaze turns slowly from the Soldier to Toni and Toni can practically _see_ the cogs turning.

Rogers is staring at the Soldier, some desperation rippling through his features. He looks like he doesn’t yet understand, as though he might burst into tears. But then, he lets out a taut breath and nods.

“I understand,” he murmurs.

As the Soldier inclines his head, Barnes’ body trembles. Rogers is immediate, grabbing his shoulders as Barnes’ eyes drift shut, unconscious. Toni gets out of the way as they flit around him, to make sure that he’s okay. She’s fraught on the edge, pressing her lips together, as her heart pounds heavily in her chest.

“Why couldn’t you have done that for me?” she mutters. “Why couldn’t you have stopped? If you had, then maybe Rhodey—,”

It takes her too long of a moment to realise that she’s blurting this out loud. Her face shifts, turns ashen, as something in her gut curls. The silence hangs around them, as they turn to look at her, utterly perplexed. But it’s the overwhelming pity on their faces she just can _not_ stand. Romanoff’s gaze lingers on her, but it’s Wilson who speaks.

“Steve,” he says, his voice piercing. “What happened in Siberia?”

Romanoff’s voice is quiet. “No,” she says. Her voice is particularly thin. “Toni. Where is Rhodes?”

Something is in her throat.

Toni feels the question hit her like a punch to her gut, her shaky fingers resting on the wall beside the doors to her workshop. She'd been planning to simply lock herself in her workshop, to work on the new suits, reassuring Friday, Stark Industries projects, the Thanos thing, and everything else piling up on her.

"Sorry, Romanoff," Toni manages to get out, her voice rasping in her strangling grief. She tries to sound as breezy as ever. "But I have work to do—,"

"Please, Stark," Wilson says, a note of desperation clinging to his voice.

It's a terrible kind of desperation to hear.

Toni slowly moves on one foot to cast a shadowed gaze on them all. Her gaze is caught by Wilson, first.

He's seated on the sofa beside Barnes, his fingers trembling, his usual playful stance falling away in the face of his fears. Whenever Toni thinks of the times before they fractured apart, Wilson is a pretty prominent part of the memories. His laughter and quips, funny and sharp enough to challenge her own, bleed through her memories. He's a good man, a better soldier, a strong Avenger.

She should have told him about Rhodes, should have told them all almost immediately.

But Toni is a hard, bitter thing.

Her father saw the spite in her and stoked the flames, raised her to be hard and selfish, to burn and to love so wildly, so damningly that she'd chase everyone away. She'd wanted Wilson to suffer as she'd suffered, all those months without her best friend, without her Rhodes. Because they'd taken him away from her and it was better to think that way than the _truth_ , which was that she had chosen Siberia over Rhodes and it had almost killed him.

The price had been heavy, and Toni wished that she had died instead.

But her mother rose her to look upon hardship and treat it with compassion and goodness, to push and pull at a thing until it became right again. Looking at Wilson's worn, stricken face, Toni knows that he suspects. He just needs the peace of confirmation.

"Rhodey is—," she falters. Her throat is sticking, and Toni reaches a hand to push back a stray lock. She lifts her head defiantly, swallows tightly. "It’s none of your business.”

The arc reactor in her chest aches heavily, a big chunk of metal stuck inside her and taking apart each piece of her every time she breathes.

And then, it’s as Rogers stares at her, Romanoff’s breathing heavy, Barton’s brows furrowing, that Toni realises it. Maria had asked her, Rumlow, Christine, even Laura. They had all wanted to know. Why had she brought them back? Toni had always told them that it was because of Thanos. She’d even believed it herself.

But now, looking at them, Toni knows the truth.

 _Why_ bring back the Avengers?

Because, without them, she’d been impossibly lonely.

As the realisation makes her reel, the world around her lights up. Friday’s voice echoes throughout the Compound, sharp. “Boss, Rumlow is frantic. He says that something’s happening—,”

It’s then the alarms start blaring.

Friday’s voice stills Toni, makes her stomach drop. “Boss, Christine Everhart’s alarm has been disabled.”

.

.

Christine hasn’t slept or eaten for two days when the package arrives.

She’d just been so excited about this Ross expose that she’d forgotten to eat, holing up in her home where it would be safest. In hindsight, she knew it was a stupid idea to open the door, but she’d had a hankering for Chinese food and her stomach had gone, “ _FOOD!”_ and logic promptly went out of the window.

And she’s supposed to be an esteemed, intelligent journalist.

Christine groans when she wakes, blinking as pain blooms over her body, her stomach rumbling. She feels the tight ropes before she sees them, the feel of being tied down immediately raising her heartbeat though she forces herself to calm down. She’s still wearing the belt Toni gave her, so that gives her some semblance of calm, though she can’t activate it, with her hands tied. Fear courses through her, threatening to overwhelm her completely, as Christine shifts in the chair, trying to be as quiet as she can.

One eye opens to gather her surroundings.

An old warehouse. How original, she thinks disparagingly, but it’s enough to let her know that this is completely off the record. Taking her out of her home is enough, but she’s not in a prison or anything that might even pretend at being official. If it’s the Secretary, as she suspects (because if it’s not, she’s going to be _so_ disappointed), then this is not just illegal, but it is going to _make_ her exposé.

The thought of it makes Christine want to grin, before she eyes the men in the corner.

They’re talking quietly, clearly having not noticed her waking, as Christine eyes the warehouse carefully again. The ropes are tight, but they don’t faze Christine as she tenses her arms, ignoring the pain that flashes at her back, trying to loosen the ropes carefully. Just long enough for her to call for help, with the belt. There is no way that she’s going to be able to make it out of this warehouse without getting caught, but there’s no reason for her to do this whole thing in a state of discomfort.

“You’re awake,” comes a low, familiar voice.

Christine shakes the exhaustion from her shoulders, straightens to smile at the Secretary of State. “That, I am,” she says easily, though the way Ross looms over her makes her heart pound. “Oh my God, you’re Secretary Ross! It’s an absolute pleasure, sir—,”

“That’s enough of that,” Ross says, with some displeasure. “You’re a smart reporter, Ms Everhart. You know why you’re here.”

“Nope. Not a clue—,”

“So, the hacking of several official government files that came from your IP address has nothing to do with you?” Ross arches an eyebrow. He moves towards the table beside them, rifling through several files that Christine would sell her left kidney to get her hands on. “What are you interested in, Ms Everhart? What are you looking for?”

“Well, I like long walks on the beach—,” she begins, before Ross’ glare silences her. “Look, Secretary, all jokes aside. I have no idea what is going on right now. I was going to eat my dinner and go to bed. These hacking—it’s got nothing to do with me.” For a moment, he looks like he believes her, but Christine knows better. She gives an easy grin, one she doesn’t feel. “Besides, Secretary. This whole set-up… doesn’t look terribly _legal_ to me. What kind of an interrogation is this? Have our standards fallen so low?”

The tension cracks, sharp as a knife.

Here we go, Christine thinks. He knows she’s smart, but now he knows that she’s not stupid.

Ross barely flinches, but the men around him look vaguely uncomfortable. He’s eyeing her carefully and she stares right back at him, refuses to blink. Two sharks, circling each other in the waters, and Christine smells _blood_.

“You’ve been following me,” Ross states, offering her a branch. “Your new article is about me. What about me holds your interest?”

His fingers rummage over the papers, lingering briefly on the small array of tools left scattered on the table. The sight of them makes her mouth go dry, but she’ll be damned if he sees her fear.

“Just chronicling your rise to your position, Secretary Ross,” Christine says just as smoothly. “It’s a fascinating story, worthy of being published.”

“And this decision to chronicle my endeavours—your recent encounters with Toni Stark has nothing to do with it?”

When he looks at her, the corners of his lips lift a little, smug and self-satisfied. Christine tosses back her hair, lifts her head up to arch an unimpressed eyebrow.

“What’s Toni Stark got to do with this?” she asks, so brashly that Ross’ face looks briefly startled. The confusion ripples across her voice, and damn, she could have made it as an actress if she wasn’t a reporter, Christine thinks gleefully. “Don’t tell me you want to know her soulmark, too, Secretary?”

Most people would kill to know about Toni’s soulmark, but recently, Rumlow’s been vocally shutting them down. Christine’s doing her bit, too, spreading false rumours and doing anything to make sure the focus is off it. But, perhaps the teasing was too much, Christine thinks, as Ross’ face shifts, suspicion lit in the light of his eyes. He’s watching her carefully now and Christine holds herself taut, refuses to let herself even begin to falter. Her heart is pounding up a storm and she’s beginning to feel slowly terrified.

This is the biggest fight of her life and she’ll die, if she’s not smart.

“I always thought you knew, Ms Everhart,” Ross says. “You are one of the most esteemed journalists that we have.”

Appealing to her ego, even like this. Ross knows it’s easier to catch more flies with honey than vinegar, Christine thinks. She’d been wondering how on earth a man like him had managed to climb to such a high position, as she’d read of his accomplishments, but now, with him right in front of her, she has some idea. He’s good, but she’s got to be better.

“That’s funny,” Christine says quickly. “I thought _you_ knew. You and Stark are so inseparable these days. Practically besties.”

Ross frowns at her, looking vaguely confused and not liking it. “What’s that?”

 _Jeez, Secretary, get with the times_ , Christine thinks derisively.

She clears her throat instead. “Best friends,” Christine clarifies, shifting a little in her chair, the belt burning against her waist. “What would _I_ have to do with Toni Stark?”

He’s watching her carefully, as though he’s not sure what to make of her. Ross’ gaze drops to her lap and Christine’s heart almost stops when he speaks.

“That’s a pretty belt, Ms Everhart,” Ross comments quietly. “Designer?”

“Burberry,” Christine lies, her throat parched. “Do you know what Burberry is, Secretary?”

“Of course,” Ross says. His gaze narrows. “This isn’t Burberry.”

Fuck, Christine thinks. She knew she should have gone with Versace. Barely faltering, Christine frowns at him, aiming a quick smile his way. “Don’t tell me I bought a knock-off, Secretary,” she says playfully. “How can you tell better than me?”

“I have a daughter,” Ross replies blandly. “I buy her stuff she likes. This is not Burberry, Everhart.”

“Betty _Ross_ ,” Christine says wonderingly, her eyes widening. She watches Ross like a desperate hawk. “There’s a name I haven’t heard in a while. What’s she up to these days? Hasn’t she renounced your name?”

Ross’ eye twitches and _Christine has him_. “Keep my daughter out of your mouth, Everhart,” he snaps before he can stop himself. His composure is slipping and Christine latches onto it, fast.

“Technically, she’s not your daughter anymore, is she?” Christine keens, her eyes vindictive. _Test the boundaries, keep him talking_ , she thinks blindingly, her thoughts going a mile a minute in her head, as the rope starts to slacken. For a moment, Ross’ face flickers, his eyes dropping back to the belt, and panicking, Christine goes in for the kill. “What do you think she’ll say when she finds out Daddy dearest’s playing at _The Godfather_?”

His mouth tenses and Ross looks mutinous, his eyes flashing darkly. For a moment, fear ripples through Christine, as the Secretary of State takes a step forward, his face going scarily impassive. Perhaps, she has bitten off more than she can chew, she thinks to herself, heart pounding.

“My mother always told me never to hit a woman,” he says gruffly, and Christine knows this, remembers reading about the battered Mrs Ross in some old article a few days back. “Unluckily for you, she’s not here.”

His fist cracks across her face, the pain smarting and making her cry out before she can stop herself. Christine’s pulse elevates, as the sound of cracking bones ripples across the air around them, blood filling her mouth. _Fucking asshole, stupid, fucking idiot,_ she thinks, spitting out the blood, and she’s not sure who she’s directing this vitriol towards, Ross or herself.

When Christine lifts her head up to look at him, Ross is looking vaguely sympathetic. He is cleaning his hands with a handkerchief, blood matting the white cloth. “I apologise. I don’t like seeing women hurt,” he tells her. “I’m old fashioned that way.”

Christine glares at him, but she smirks through her bloodied mouth.

It’s worth it, she thinks suddenly, tamping down the pain. It was enough to see him rattled. She watches the annoyance flicker through his features, the horrible realisation that she’s right finally sink in. Ross let his emotions get the better of him, let her get under his skin.

Now, Christine knows that Betty is a sore spot.

“That was stupid, Secretary.”

Ross’ mouth tightens again. “What else have you found?” he demands.

“Other than Betty Ross refusing to acknowledge her father publicly?” She watches him tense with a delicious satisfaction, smugly eyes the way he has to physically hold himself back. Christine shrugs easily, the movement shifting the belt beside her. “Not much, I’m afraid. You clean your traces well, Secretary. I’m almost impressed.”

“And yet, you’re convinced Stark and I are good friends,” Ross says slowly. “What makes you think that?”

“Buzzfeed thinks that,” Christine says, but her heart hammers desperately in her chest. “The two of you have been seen together a couple of times, that’s all. What’s this obsession with Stark, Secretary? You’re a little old for her, aren’t you?”

Ross looks barely fazed. “Stark represents everything wrong with this world,” he mutters, but it’s clear he’s said this before as the men around him look vaguely exasperated. “Insubordinate, petty, arrogant. People like Stark need to be kicked down a few notches.”

The thought of Toni’s face, fraught with fear, ripples across Christine’s mind briefly and she remembers just how pale Toni had been in that hospital bed. Nobody deserves that kind of grief, she remembers thinking. Toni’s been pushed to the edge and it’s because of the man before her, a fury threatening to consume her completely.

“You really think trying to give Toni Stark a heart attack is going to help you figure out your problems with your daughter, Ross?” Christine spits out before she can stop herself.

Shit.

Ross’ attention is caught, his gaze snapping to her immediately. He eyes her carefully and no, this is bad, this is very bad. The moment Ross starts thinking too hard, she’ll lose any advantage she ever had. And Christine knows she can’t say anything, because he’ll get even more suspicious. She shifts a little, but the damage is done. Christine wants to despair, thinking fast. Why can’t he be like every other man, who folds under even a slip of flattery?

Ross’ attention draws back to the belt.

“Where’d you get the belt from, Everhart?” he says. “Maybe I’ll get one for Betty.”

Pretending that Betty isn’t his weak spot, Christine thinks, barely able to tamper down her emotions. Come on, come _on_ , Everhart, think. And then an idea hits her, slow, but perfect.

“Why waste your hard-earned money, Secretary?” she says easily, aiming a smooth, smug grin towards him. “Trying to buy back your kids’ love never works. I have experience—my dad was an asshole. Why don’t you just save the money, so you can _not_ pay taxes?”

Ross’ face darkens, slow and murderous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanda's out, too, now, lol, and Toni's starting to fall apart at the seams, worse than before, poor thing. Plus, an appearance by the Soldier means that the rest of the Avengers start rightfully questioning the truth of what's been happening. And we finally know why Toni hasn't left the Compound. I wanted to explore an abusive relationship with the Avengers, where Toni feels she can't have a life without them, where she's so horribly lonely that even their company would be preferable to no company at all. She didn't realise it of herself, but now she has. 
> 
> And Christine! I really loved writing her and Ross facing off against each other - it probably got a little too dramatic at times, but eh, that's what fanfiction is for, lol. Writing her article and almost dying is nothing to Christine - she really needs to sort out her priorities, lol! I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter and thank you so much for reading! :D


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I'm so glad that you guys liked the Christine and Ross face off - I know I had fun writing it! I really hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

“Boss, Christine Everhart’s alarm has been disabled.”

“Fuck—,”

Toni’s mind reels, before she surges forward to desperately open up the workshop, her eyes growing wide. Intruders, she thinks blindingly, typing out commands for Friday as she scans for the alarm, uploading the backup systems quickly. The Avengers are behind her, looking confused.

“Everhart?” Romanoff repeats. “The reporter for _Vanity Fair_?”

“She works for _The Daily Bugle_ now,” Barnes corrects gruffly. He’s managed to push himself up to a seated position on the sofa and refuses to look embarrassed when they stare at him in shock, Steve’s eyes wide. “Hydra didn’t make me forget how to read, idiots.”

Toni barely listens to them, scrambling over the controls frantically.

“Christine Everhart was reported missing in the early hours of the evening,” Friday recites.

“Oh god, oh fuck, shit, what have I done, what have I _done_ —,”

“Toni—,”

“Friday, track the belt, fast—,”

She can barely breathe—what has she done, Christine is missing, Christine is gone, and it’s her fault, all her fault—how does she face the world, knowing she made a promise to keep Christine safe—oh, God, how does she face herself?

“Friday, how did we not know about this?” she manages to get out, her voice hoarse. “How did I—,”

“Ms Everhart’s editor is raising a media storm, but nobody is yet pointing fingers,” Friday tells her. “I suspect that people are being paid.”

“I fucking hate politicians,” Toni mutters, as the alarm pounds around them.

“Toni!” Rogers is shouting. “What’s going on?”

Her mind is reeling with thoughts, her head pounding. When Barton’s head lifts up, his brows furrowed, Toni reels. The kids, she thinks blindingly as the cameras finally get to her screen, displaying intruders. What has she done? They’re all in danger, they’re all going to _die—_

“Boss, come _on_!” Friday calls to her.

Toni realises vaguely that she’s stumbled down briefly, pushing herself back up again, as she breathes hard. Intruders, she thinks blindingly. People are here to attack them, they’re all in crippling danger, and Christine’s nowhere to be found. She’s breathing hard, staring up at the Avengers who are looking bewildered. _Come on, Toni. Get it together_.

“Toni, what is going—,”

With a deep breath, Toni turns towards the workshop, pulling the doors open bodily, because Friday’s not working fast enough for her. She pounds inside, pulling up the screens around her to make sure she knows where everyone is. The kids and Laura are safe in their room and with one hand, Toni shuts down the entire floor, locks it all up completely.

They’re making straight for the workshop, Toni realises. For _her._

Fuck, they’re here for her. It’s her fault, always her fucking fault.

“Alright, Friday,” she says, breathing hard. “You with me?”

“ _Always_ ,” Friday breathes.

As Toni turns, she sees the rest of the Avengers scattered around the room, staring at her, demanding answers around them. Before she can answer, some part of the Compound explodes and the gauntlet climbing over Toni’s fist, Toni runs. She’s running across the Compound, avoiding the blow that comes to her face with ease. Toni barely pauses, hitting the intruder in the throat, letting him crumple to the ground.

Beside her, Romanoff is swift, kicking another in the face to protect Barton’s side. Rogers and Wilson are already working together, the Soldier shifting towards Toni automatically. All of the Avengers are shouting towards her, wanting to know what the hell is going on, just as Friday blows up one side of the windows.

Toni smiles harshly, a vicious snarl cut across her lips. “That’s my girl,” she murmurs. She grabs the first man she can and amps up the repulsors threateningly. “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

The man spits blood, pushing at her, but Tony sees the flash of the bodycam, her brows furrowing together. She knows that mark, she thinks to herself blindingly. Her mind reels frantically, just as her grip slips and Romanoff screams her name.

“Toni, watch out!”

Barraging out of the way just in time, a hole is blasted into Friday’s screens, as Friday calls her name helplessly. An inhuman amount of rage fills Toni as she sees red.

“Fucking touch her again and I’ll kill you,” Toni snarls fiercely.

“You freak, Stark,” one man says laughingly. “You’re actually trying to protect a computer? You get off to that shit?”

Toni lunges for him, pushing aside the couch as she aims the repulsor to his head, kicking his kneecaps in until he’s howling. She waits for the fear to touch his eyes, his mouth parting in panic, before she blasts the repulsors close to his head, just enough to hear him scream.

“Try me, fucker,” she snarls into his face. “It’s Ross, isn’t it? He sent you, didn’t he?”

“Toni!” Romanoff’s voice is fraught.

When she lifts her head, most of the Avengers have subdued the intruders, unconscious bodies left scattered about the place. One man lifts his head, but Romanoff hits him, hard, as they stare towards her. Toni’s heart is beating fast, her breaths coming out ragged. She knows the look on their faces, knows their anguish and confusion. They want answers.

Some half of the common room is on fire and Toni mutters, “DUM-e, do your thing.”

A delighted DUM-e barrels out of the workshop, brandishing the fire extinguisher happily and making sure to run over Rogers’ toes as he does so. Rogers barely catches a hiss of pain in his teeth before he’s speaking again.

“What is going on, Toni?” he demands. “Why would the Secretary of State attack us like this?”

“Fucker’s been terrorising me for months, getting off on the power trip. He must have found Everhart and got mad,” Toni mutters, before she hits the man in the head, letting him flop to the ground. She looks up at Barton. “The kids are fine, I swear to you, I wouldn’t ever—,” Barton only nods towards her, before he bolts towards their floor. Toni surges forward for the nearest counter, to look over Friday’s code desperately. Her voice dips into a feverish plea, fingers shaking. “Friday, come on, girl. Come on. Please be okay, please, come on, Friday—,”

“You should have told us,” Rogers continues, stepping over a man towards her. “Toni, are you even listening to me? We would have helped you, we would have worked together, as a team, as a family—,”

“Shut the fuck up, Rogers,” Toni snaps at him. “I don’t have time for your lectures right now—,”

“If you could have just worked with us, as a team, Toni,” Rogers says tautly. “You just can’t work as a team, Toni!”

“No,” Toni snarls. “I can’t work with _you_.”

Romanoff is tense. “Steve, I don’t think now’s the time—,”

“When?” Rogers says, voice bordering on the edge of snappishness. “When will be the time most convenient for you, Toni? When will you ever speak to us? And if it’s never, then what are we doing here?” Her heart is pounding, but Rogers won’t stop. “It’s because of this, Toni. Because you just can’t work as a team—and now Friday might be hurt because of that—,”

He breaks himself off, but the damage is already done. Toni feels her stomach drop, her emotions brimming to the surface, distraught. He’s right. Rogers is right. It was because of her that Jarvis died, and now she’s going to lose Friday, too. She can’t lose Friday, she _can’t_ —

“I told you to _stop_ hurting Toni Stark, Captain Rogers,” comes Friday’s voice, sharp and so beautiful that Toni’s knees literally go weak from relief. “I don’t know what you did to her in Siberia, but I could carve your heart out right now and not give a damn—,”

“Friday,” Toni gasps hotly, pressing her fingers to the workspace where Friday brims.

Wilson’s eyes have narrowed as Rogers looks alarmed. “Jesus, what the fuck is _happening_ —,”

She’s okay, Toni thinks to herself blindingly. She’s okay, she’s okay. Her AI is perfect, is fine. Whatever code had been ruined, Friday can rebuild, can rework if she wants. And suddenly, the emotions threaten to overwhelm her completely again, her breaths fraught. Toni searches blindingly through the cameras carefully, trying to figure out where they came from. They had body cams, she realises as she looks over the cameras frantically, but it doesn’t look like they found anything of value.

Fuck.

Fuck— _Christine_.

Without a second thought, Toni taps her arc reactor once, before turning her head, waving a hand to open the window. She takes a running jump and falls out of the window. The armour wraps itself protectively around her in the air, the screams of the Avengers lingering behind her, Romanoff’s horrified cries piercing the air, but Iron Woman jets off desperately fast.

In the skies, Toni can take a brief moment to think. The stars are twinkling around her, but all it does is panic her, so she has to look away. She used to love the stars, she thinks, her breaths ragged.

“Friday, I’m so sorry,” she manages to get out, her heart aching. Her chest feels like it’s collapsing in on her, breaths fraught and tugged out of her throat. “I should have protected you, I should have—Friday, I gotta let you go. You don’t deserve someone like me—,”

She’s crying in the suit, unable to stop herself, as the blue light floods around her softly. Friday’s voice is calming, a soothing thing.

“I am not going anywhere,” she says. “You have given me a choice. And I choose _you_. You have given me the world to roam, you have let me free. I could go anywhere, but I choose to go with _you_. Always you.”

Toni gulps down a half-sob. “I love you, too, Fri.”

“When you gave me life, you opened up a universe of wonders, just for me,” Friday tells her. “How could you ever think I would leave you?”

.

.

“Is that _Toni Stark_?”

The questions ripple across the air, as Christine turns her head like a shot.

She pushes her hair out of her face, the blood dried on her face, as she tilts her face up to search the skies for the familiar red and gold armour. Christine listens intently for the soothing hum of the Iron Woman suit, ignoring the call of the nurse beside her, as she settles her phone in her lap. She’d been talking to her editor, who had been overjoyed and relieved to know that she was okay. Christine’s getting a party when she comes back.

The warehouse is overrun with police and crowds, all of them here to watch Secretary Ross get taken away.

 _“Smile, Secretary Ross. You’re on TV!”_   she’d said smugly, just after Ross had spilled the truth about the Raft and his illegal misdoings.

Since pulling his little kidnapping stunt, the Secretary of State has lost all credibility and likability. He is going to be hung out to _dry_ —and that’s just from the media outlets in the US. They may all be from different companies, Christine thinks, her grin turning wicked, and working against each other in competition, but journalists have each other’s backs, including her editor who is over the moon. Petra has already texted her about a few dozen articles from how great her hair looked in captivity to the downfall of the Secretary of State.

But Secretary Ross, the Raft, and Toni Stark?

That one’s all _hers._

Christine makes a mental note to send CNN a gift basket.  

Sure enough, Toni Stark is stumbling out of the suit as it wraps up around her and folds itself into her arc reactor. That’s so cool, Christine thinks distractedly, before realising that Toni looks absolutely _terrible_.

She’s bleeding from the face, but she’s all jittery like she’s ready to fight and Toni keeps looking around.

She’s looking for me, Christine thinks, and that’s _guilt_ on her face.

“Toni,” she calls and when Toni looks over, her gaze taking over her, instead of looking relieved, she looks crushed. Her eyes catch the blood on her face, the nurses flitting around her.

“Fuck, fuck, was that Ross?” Toni is saying as she hurries to her. “Christine, I’m so sorry, I’m so—,”

“Hey, you should see him,” Christine says playfully. “This isn’t my first rodeo, Toni. I’m fine. You, on the other hand, don’t look so good.”

Toni waves a hand, sways in the spot. “Ross attacked the Compound,” she says flippantly. “Are you sure you’re okay? The belt was activated—,”

“Ross fiddled with it. He broke it, so I’m really sorry—Toni, I’m over here,” Christine says, realising that Toni’s staring beside her at nothing. “Wait, did you just say Ross attacked the Compound?”

“Sorry, I—fucking Ross, spent ages over that,” Toni mutters. “Are you okay—,”

“Are you? You said the Compound was attacked, Toni—,”

“‘S fine,” Toni mumbles, waving a hand as her words slur together. “I’m—’m Toni Stark. World defender. ‘S fine.”

“Hey, sweetie, maybe we should get you to lie down,” Christine says, careful not to reach too sharply for Toni. She turns her gaze to the nurses around her, sending them a meaningful look, as she tries to help Toni sit down.

Toni slumps against the ambulance heavily, batting away a nurse. “Don’t wanna go back. Don’t make me go back.”

“Back where?” Christine makes her voice unremittingly soft. She can feel the shark like desire for a story rise up within her but fights it down. Toni needs her.

Toni shrugs, her gaze turning drifting and unfocused. “Can’t lie down, gotta keep going—,”

“Well, you’re bleeding out and these nice nurses are telling me that you have a concussion,” Christine tells her gently, settling Toni carefully. “I’m going to take you to the hospital, okay—,”

“No!” Toni shakes her head madly, dark curls shifting against her shoulders. “No hospital!”

She’s panicking now, pushing at the nurses around her. Blood is stemming from her gauntlets and the sight of it makes Christine sick to her stomach. Christine swallows thickly, waving away the nurses as she eyes Toni over critically.

“Okay, okay, no hospitals,” she murmurs. “If you don’t want a hospital, then can I take care of you, please, Toni?”

Toni stares at her unseeingly, before she almost collapses heavily against Christine, eyes fluttering shut. “Okay, I need some help, please!”

.

.

Friday’s voice echoes from the arc reactor. “She won’t want to wake up in here, Ms Everhart.”

Christine’s head snaps up from her own bed as she turns to an unconscious Toni. They’re safe in the hospital, Christine having desperately called for help until the nurses came back to deliver them together in the ambulance. It’s only going to be a matter of time until the press swarm on them, but Christine had been leaning heavily on her own bed, her thoughts a soft lull, when Friday spoke.

She’d been terrified when Ross had her, her fingers itching with distaste at the thought of going back home. It’s been tainted now, Christine thinks, something in her stomach curling. She wonders if anyone’s scrubbed out the blood from her floors where Ross’ men burst in and cracked her head against the ground to knock her out.

“I can’t take her to my house,” Christine tells the AI gently. “It’s still cordoned off. And I know that Toni doesn’t like it, but this is the best place for her.”

“You promised her no hospitals,” Friday snaps. “You said you’d take care of her!”

How can an AI make her feel so guilty? Christine rubs a hand over her face tiredly, wincing as pain blooms across her mouth, fingers brushing against the wound Ross had left her.

“But she doesn’t even want to go back to the Compound, Friday,” Christine protests. “I don’t know where to go—,”

“I do,” Friday tells her. “There is a safe house near here. If you just get us there, I can take of Toni.”

Christine stills. “I’m not leaving you alone, Friday,” she says, before she gets to her feet, stretching out her limbs tiredly. “Alright, come on, then. Let’s go.”

It takes her some time to get to the safe house and Toni wakes up along the way, terrifying Christine. She’s delirious when she wakes, starting to scream in the taxi as she flails helplessly, and the panic that flits across her face scares Christine, too. The taxi driver almost swerves on the road, but Christine manages to get her composure first.

“Toni, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s just me—,” she manages to get out quickly, as Toni’s eyes flit open, panicked. “It’s me, it’s Christine. It’s okay. We’re going to a safe house. Friday’s taking us. You’re okay. You’re okay—,”

“Don’t wanna do it… can’t make the Jericho… give up, I can’t do it anymore,” Toni mumbles deliriously, shaking her head. “I don’t wanna do it anymore—,”

“It’s okay,” Christine says until she’s sick of her own voice, but Toni latches onto her reassuring words, calming down slowly.

Toni breathes hard when she comes back to her senses, staring around them carefully. Her cheeks flush a bright red when she notices Christine and the driver staring back at her, her eyes watery as she rubs at them. Christine offers her an easy smile, pushing herself back in the small space of the car, so she can offer Toni what little comfort she can.

“Are you okay?” Toni asks Christine desperately. “The—the belt was—,”

“Yeah, I’m totally fine,” Christine says quickly. “It was a bit of an adventure, Toni.”

“Yeah?” Toni is staring at her, looking desperate for some semblance of normality.

Her fingers are shaking, Christine realises, her heart aching for Toni. Ross was part of the reason for all the shit Toni’s been forced to go through and she’s glad to have done her bit. But there’s more she can do, she knows. So, Christine takes the hint and starts talking.

“It was crazy. Ross had me tied up and he was actually monologing at me, it was weird. Shit like how he knew best, and Toni Stark was a certified devil. And then he noticed the belt and I tried to play it off like he was mad that I could afford fancy shit, but he wasn’t buying it,” she tells Toni, whose lips quirk in amusement. “Can you believe the asshole hit me in the face, too? Came out with some stupid guff about how he’s never supposed to hit a woman. And then—bam. I’m bleeding. Also, the belt is amazing.”

As the car pulls in to park, Toni’s the first one out of the door.

For a moment, Christine thinks she might be sick, but Toni’s only leaning heavily on the gate, trying to gather her bearings once more. She pays the taxi driver quietly, before they make their way into the safe house carefully. Christine watches Toni flop heavily onto the sofa, worriedly.

“Do you have a family, Christine?”

The question is so unexpected that Christine almost fumbles as she’s locking the doors. She turns her head to look at Toni, before moving slowly towards the kitchen, restless and needing something to do with her hands.

“Yup,” she says cheerfully, rifling through her handbag. “We’re not a big family, but we’re enough for each other. My mom built a tea company and she always sends me stuff. You want to try some?”

Toni’s looking vaguely startled, as though she hadn’t expected Christine to answer, before she nods. “I’m a coffee girl,” she tells Christine, “so sorry, in advance, if I don’t drink it.”

“Trust me,” Christine says, as she fills the kettle, “Mom prides herself on being able to convert the heaviest drinkers.” She smiles at Toni who slowly enters the kitchen and pulls out two mugs for them. “And I have a sister, Marissa. She’s younger than me, goes to MIT. But she absolutely loves you.”

“Me?” Toni blinks, surprised.

“Sends me abusive emails filled with memes every time I write something even remotely bad about you,” Christine tells her, watching the way a small smile finds its way on Toni’s face. “Drives me and my mom mad. But we love the little shit anyway.”

“That’s good,” Toni mumbles. “Everyone should have a family. Shouldn’t have a soulmark, though.” She reaches forward to tap at Christine’s soulmark. “Don’t count on them, Christine. They’ll hurt you.”

It’s then Christine realises that she’s not really in her right mind. Toni’s sleepy and delirious and she must have gone through a hell of a day, Christine thinks sympathetically. They both have. As Christine tops up their mugs, Toni drinks deeply, eyes widening at the pleasant taste.

“Good, right?” she says, as Toni nods, opening her mouth. But Christine speaks instead, quick and delicate. “Toni, I don’t think you would be saying this to me in your right mind. So, I don’t think I want to hear it when you’re out of your mind right now. Doesn’t feel right, somehow. We should get some sleep.”

“Don’t wanna sleep,” Toni mumbles, rubbing her face.

But she can’t tamp down the yawn, so as Christine puts their empty mugs in the sink, they drag themselves to the empty bedrooms. Christine puts her head in the door to make sure that Toni is actually in bed, grateful when she sees the Stark woman completely collapse amidst the sheets.

As Christine settles in her own room, her breaths are fraught when she picks up the belt, tapping at it carefully. Blue light floods softly through the belt.

“Friday?” Christine makes her voice soft. She feels a bit silly talking to a belt, her voice tentative and careful, but does so, anyway. “Are you in here?”

“Yes, Ms Everhart,” Friday says politely. “Thank you.”

“That’s alright. Is—is there anyone I should call, Friday? To let them know that she’s safe?”

The AI has to actually think about it, and honestly, Toni Stark is a marvel, Christine thinks, impressed.

“Maria Hill,” she says eventually. “Maria will want to know. Nobody else deserves to.” She pauses again. “I will contact her, Ms Everhart. You need not exert yourself unnecessarily.”

“I’m happy to do it,” Christine tells her, a sudden burst of fondness blooming in her chest for the AI. No wonder Toni loves her AIs so much, she thinks. “And you can call me Christine, Friday—,”

A scream echoes through the place resoundingly, wrought with horror, and Christine is frozen for a moment, before she bolts. She bursts into Toni’s room madly to see Toni screaming and writhing in her sheets, her eyes wide with panic and crippling fear. Christine doesn’t hesitate, bursting forwards to reach for Toni until the Iron Woman suit ripples from the arc reactor automatically, glaring at Christine.

She stumbles back, in a brief panic, staring up at the suit.

“No—no, no, stop!” Christine manages to cry out hoarsely, her hands thrown up. “Toni!”

Toni’s eyes fix on her and then suddenly, the Iron Woman suit is crippling, fading back into the arc reactor, to leave Toni on her knees. It’s all over in a moment, but Christine is left, gasping for breath, terrified. She’s slumped against the wall, her heart pounding in fear, as she stares towards the place Iron Woman had just been. Christine swallows thickly.

“Christine, I’m so sorry—,”

“Are you okay, Toni?” she manages to get out, voice rasping.

Toni stares at her, breathing hard. “Yeah,” she says. “I’m—what about you, I’m so sorry—,”

“It’s okay,” Christine says, shaking a little. “You didn’t mean that, did you?”

“No, no, never—,”

“Then, it’s alright,” she breathes out slowly. They’re both on the carpeted floor, staring at each other. Christine realises that none of them are in the mood to be touched right now so she keeps her distance, stays where she is, as they catch their breaths. “Don’t feel bad about this one, Toni. It’s totally fine. I promise.”

Silver moonlight cants through the gleaming panes, casting soft slants of white across their faces. The air is cool, and the dark night lingers around them both. Toni is still breathing hard and Christine forces herself to relax, for Toni’s sake.

“Ross took the belt and he broke it,” she says, mostly to bring them both back. Toni’s head lifts. “But I managed to get free by that time and I hit him in the face. I box, did you know that?”

“No,” Toni says, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I box now. Woman in my profession. You gotta be smart, you know?” Christine watches Toni nod at her.

“Then—then what happened?”

“Then, I’d managed to get him so angry that he made a confession live on air,” she tells Toni, whose eyes are wide. “I pulled in a lot of favours when I took this story on. I’ve got a lot of connections, most of whom pulled through for me, thank God. Do you want some more tea?”

Both of them are too weak to do anything other than shake as they try to lift themselves. Christine slumps against the wall, watches Toni valiantly try to stand before she collapses heavily, too. She rubs a hand over her face, shaky and trembling.

“Maybe later,” Toni tells them.

“Yeah,” Christine murmurs. “What—what were you dreaming of?”

“Red,” Toni mumbles, running a hand through her hair. She is still staring at Christine, as though she can’t quite believe that Christine is still here, but she continues unevenly. “Maximoff—she attacked me, and I still dream of it, sometimes.”

Christine’s eyes widen in horror. “She _attacked_ you?” she echoes. “What—why are they still there, then? Why are you covering for her, Toni?” When Toni doesn’t answer, Christine continues. “Just dump them all—,”

“I _can’t_!” Toni bursts out before she can stop herself, the half-sob cracking out of her throat. “They’re all I have left!”

_Oh._

Her breaths are the only thing lingering heavily in the air as Christine stares, feeling vaguely like she’s been hit over the head. Toni is crying, trying to stop herself, and dear God, that’s a terrible sight. They’re still collapsed on the floor, but Toni’s looking away, her cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment.

How many times has she told Toni to tell people about Colonel Rhodes? Friday herself had said it. Even her AI doesn’t trust people. She had only wanted to tell Maria Hill about Toni’s position and Christine suspects that’s because Maria’s the next-in-command in Stark Industries.

Toni Stark is _lonely_.

And the thought that she’d willingly surround herself with people who had hurt her, just so she didn’t have to be alone anymore is enough to make Christine want to bring her to her mother, who would never stand for such a thing. A small sob escapes Christine’s throat helplessly, as she tamps it down, breaths fraught.

“You have me,” Christine offers softly, as Toni’s head snaps up, startled. “It might not count for much. But you have me. And—and you have my mom. And my sister, too. They love you, even if they don’t know you.”

Toni’s staring at her. “What?”

“And most of New York loves you, too,” Christine says, breathless. Now, she apparently can’t stop talking. “Most of the US love you. All those children’s hospitals you donated to, in Queens. Those kids love you more than they love their own parents. The India start-up programs, the UK Stark Industries charities. Some of the ex-SHIELD agents that you saved, and I managed to interview for my piece.”

“Jesus, Christine, I’m not a fucking pity party—,”

“Listen to me, Toni,” Christine snaps. “You’re going to be okay, alright? But it’s okay to not be okay, either. We all need people and you’re not a pity party for it.”

Toni stares at her, before slowly nodding. She even manages a small grin, a shade of her old self. “So, who else loves me? I didn’t tell you to stop, Christine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Ross' last command was to attack the Compound - a terrible mistake that just hammered the nails in his coffin. Christine's done her job perfectly and though Friday was initially wary, the AI knows that Christine has Toni's best interests at heart, too. It's getting harder and harder for Toni to mask the cracks in her facade, but lucky for her, Christine is here.
> 
> I really hope you enjoyed this chapter! Thank you so much for reading! :D


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get this edited and decided, hey, why not? 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting - have a great Friday, everyone! :D

Today is going to be a good day, Toni thinks to herself bracingly when she wakes the next morning, trying to will it into place.

It has to be, she thinks as she makes her way to the hospital to see Rhodey again. Her heart is aching, her bruises from yesterday barely faded, but she’s determined to push through the pain. As she drives, she and Friday quickly take care of Christine, check up on Ross’ arrest, send off quick messages to Hope and Dr Strange, and assure the SI board that she will be in for the meetings today.

Her fingers are tense as she steps into Rhodey’s room again and she doesn’t know how desperately she’s been hoping until she actually lays eyes on him again. He’s a strong, solemn figure, still in the bed, so strangely quiet as he’s been these past few months. Toni still can’t get used to it and she keeps waiting for him to simply lift his head and say something funny like he always does.

“Ms Stark,” a nurse is calling her quietly.

“One moment, please,” Toni murmurs, barely lifting her head.

She’s quiet when she takes Rhodey’s hand, her breaths soft and hitching anxiously, something building up in her throat. _I’m not letting you go, Rhodey_ , Toni thinks desperately. _Please, please, just wake up, for me_.

“I miss you,” she breathes, voice cracking apart as she sinks into the chair beside him, clutching his hand, distressed. “Rhodey, please. Just—you promised me you’d never leave. You said you’d always—and you don’t lie to me, you never—Rhodey, _please_.”

He’s always been there for her, always promised to stay by her side ever since they first met in MIT. If there’s one constant Toni knows that she can always count on, it’s James Rupert Rhodes. Rhodey was the one to pull her up from the sands in the desert, clutching her hand tight, the one to hear her sobs and prayers, and he’s never let go since.

Rhodey won’t die on her, Toni knows this for sure. She refuses to let him go.

When the doctors shuffle in, Toni’s gut clenches but she lifts her head to meet their steady, sad gazes. Something is very wrong, Toni knows in the deep of her heart and she swallows thickly, presses her lips together. Doctor Malhotra is looking at her, with a small, bracing smile at the corner of her lips, and for a blinding moment, Toni remembers the doctor who told her that Jarvis had died.

She’d been wearing that same expression.

“Ms Stark?” Dr Malhotra says gently. “We have to talk to you about Mr Rhodes.”

“Colonel,” Toni corrects, something in her throat. “He’s—he’s a Colonel.”

The doctor inclines her head politely and it takes everything she has within her to force herself to step away from Rhodey. Toni’s breaths are ragged as she tilts her head up to look at the doctors around her. They’re all wearing the same expression and it terrifies her, makes her gut curl uncomfortably.

“Ms Stark,” Dr Malhotra tells her, “Colonel Rhodes hasn’t been responding to the new treatment very well.”

“You said he was getting better,” Toni says and though she tries to sound fierce, her voice comes out cracked and broken. She clears her throat. “You said that he was going to wake up.”

Dr Malhotra is not smiling. “I know,” she says. “I know, Ms Stark. We—we were hopeful and—,”

“You _said_ he was getting better,” Toni repeats hoarsely.

She doesn’t want to hear it. Something in her knows what’s coming and she doesn’t want it.

“Colonel—Colonel Rhodes has been getting worse, Ms Stark—,”

“No, he isn’t,” Toni snaps before she can stop herself. “No—he isn’t. He—he’s getting better. I saw it. I saw his fingers move and—and you said that he was getting _better_!”

Her voice is high-pitched, and her heart is hammering hard in her chest, as she glares at the doctors before her. They’re subdued things now, crumpling under her anguish. But they’re supposed to tell her that it’s okay. They’re supposed to tell her that Rhodey is getting better, because that’s what doctors _do._

“I’m sorry, Ms Stark,” Dr Malhotra tells her. “I just thought that you should know—it could all change—,”

Toni pushes back, stumbles into the wall heavily. “Stop talking,” she snaps at the doctors. “Just—just stop—Rhodey isn’t—he’s going to get better!”

Everything’s starting to crumble at her feet and she has to hold this together, just has to keep going long enough. Toni breathes hotly, pressing her fingers against the wall to steady herself as she waves off the concerned doctors. Their voices are blurring around her and anxiety brims under her skin, burns hotly, as her heart beats harder, desperately.

God, she’d give up every last heartbeat to have Rhodey back.

She can’t lose him, she won’t.

“I—I have to go,” Toni manages to get out, her voice raw and ragged. “He’s going to be okay.”

As she stumbles out of the hospital, her gaze catches on the date and something in her heart crumples.

.

.

“The shield does not hold any chains, Dr Stark,” Princess Shuri tells her, looking vaguely uncertain.

She’s in her car, trying to get a hold of herself as she speaks to the princess of Wakanda through the holoscreen of her Starkphone. Toni is clutching the wheel tight to stop her fingers shaking, checking her picture in the corner to make sure she doesn’t look as terrible as she feels. Her heart beats hard in her chest, her anxieties rising like a tidal wave, but the time differences and their schedules mean that the princess was only available for this time.

Princess Shuri is intelligent and sharp, that much is clear to see. When she speaks of various inventions Toni has seen patented with her mark, Toni sees a bright, strong future in the girl. Princess Shuri will be everything Toni could never be, she knows and Toni’s desperately grateful for it. She certainly wouldn’t wish Toni Stark on anyone.

“You’re—you’re sure?” Toni asks, pressing her fingers to the wheel of her car desperately. She tamps down her rising distress, as she breathes hard. “There’s nothing there? Nothing at all? From what I know about vibranium, it’s strong and malleable.”

“Vibranium is a delicate metal, yes, so I understand your confusion, Dr,” the princess says, face flickering through the holoscreen. She looks slightly confused as she eyes Toni carefully. “But the metal for the shield you gave me has no carvings on it at all.”

Her stomach clenches uncomfortably and blood pounds in her ears, but Toni manages to nod tightly. She’d half expected it, so it’s not so much of a disappointment to her, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still crush her. Why can’t she just _die_? She doesn’t want to be here anymore.

Toni knows that she can’t blame it on anything else now. The Princess of Wakanda herself confirmed it. The shield didn’t have any chains on it and her soulmark only had those broken chains after Siberia. It is her fault. It has always, only _ever_ been her fault.

“Thank—thank you, Princess,” Toni says, swallowing thickly. “Didn’t mean to waste your time.”

The princess eyes her carefully again. “You were not wasting my time,” she says quietly. “Dr Stark, are you sure you’re feeling alright? You look… pale.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Toni says, waves away her concerns. She summons a bright smile to her features, her heart thudding hotly in her chest. “I’m totally fine.”

God, she needs a drink.

.

.

“Folders on Thanos, you know how it goes, Friday,” Toni says breezily as she enters the room.

There is a barrage of protests. “Toni, what happened yesterday—,”

“Are you okay—,”

Toni arches an eyebrow towards them. “Yesterday is done and over, it doesn’t concern you, in the slightest,” she says, pressing her palms down on the desk to keep them from shaking. Her heart hammers in her chest, a hot flush creeping up her throat. _Come on, Toni. Keep it together_. “You guys ready to play today, then? Or are we just going to bat the question or whether I’m hallucinating, feeding off my own ego, or just straight-up crazy? Tell me now, so I know to get the hell out of dodge when I can.”

They’re all seated in the meeting room, staring at her, completely bemused. She hates the way they look at her, the pity in their eyes. Hates that some stupid, small part of her yearns even still. How embarrassing, Toni thinks, a discomfort swirling in her. Her cheeks are flushed lightly, a slight smattering of pink spread across her cheeks. Howard would hate the desperation hanging off her right now, would despise her for it.

And yet, they’re all so much better than her, even after everything they’ve done.

Because leaving her to die in Siberia is one thing but unchaining the bonds of a Titan who would destroy them all is another, Toni thinks bitterly. The guilt buries itself deep in her, turns her over until she’s swallowing thickly and trying not to see faces when she closes her eyes.

“Toni,” Barton says, furrowing his brows towards her. “We just want to know if you’re okay—,”

“Personal questions are prohibited here,” Toni interrupts, with just a shade of her old asshole persona.

“Why did you bring us back, Toni?” Rogers asks.

“Because we’re in the endgame now,” Toni says, her gaze taut. Her fingers shake a little as she sweeps her hands across the holotable and pulls up her diagrams of Thanos. The entire room sighs collectively. “And Earth’s defenders are needed to defend her.”

“You keep saying this Thanos is coming—,” Romanoff begins delicately.

“Because he _is_ ,” Toni insists. She stares at them. “If you all aren’t going to believe me, then this has all been a waste of time.” She sighs deeply, her gaze sweeping across the room. They’re disbelieving of her, mistrustful even after everything. “It’s a waste of _my_ time,” she mutters, frowning at them. Toni makes up her mind in a split second. “I’m letting you go.”

Rogers blinks, startled. “Toni, what—,”

“If you aren’t going to believe me, or even trust me—,”

“Trust goes both ways,” Wilson protests. “You haven’t even told us who attacked us yesterday and we’re supposed to just shut up and take it?”

“Secretary of State,” Toni bites back. “Besides, there’s a difference between on the field and off the field, Romanoff can tell you that.”

She thinks of _Toni Stark, not recommended_ , as they all start to protest. Romanoff flinches.

“Toni—,”

“You’re wasting my time and I can’t afford to try to convince you that Thanos is coming for us all,” Toni says, rubbing her forehead. Something is building up in her, a lump in her throat, a pressure behind her eyes. “I don’t have the time or energy for that. You’re all free from me.”

And then, the door that is supposed to be shut swings open to reveal a figure.

Toni’s heart drops as Rumlow knocks carelessly against the door, grinning all over his face. He’s facing her, pretending not to notice her company, and in the back of her mind, Toni remembers that the door to this room is operated by her AI. _Friday_ , she thinks. _What have you done?_

“You done, Stark?” he asks, easy as ever.

“Rumlow, you _asshole_ ,” Toni snarls out at him, as Rumlow laughs and the room promptly turns itself over.

To her surprise, Rogers and Romanoff dive for her immediately, putting themselves in between her and Rumlow. Barnes and Wilson follow suit, as Barton kicks over his chair and Barnes lets a growl rip through his throat, his gaze narrowed on Rumlow darkly. Toni blinks, startled. Rogers is tensed defensively in front of her and Romanoff looks murderous, her gaze fixed on Rumlow as though the moment he makes a move, she’ll reach forward to tear his heart out.

“What are you all doing?” Toni says, frowning.

“What is _Rumlow_ doing here?” Barton snaps out and though they don’t say a word, Toni’s gut clenches.

She can hear it now, the unspoken sentiment, the shitty voice in the back of her head. Toni just can’t quit them, can she? Even though she’s not enough for them, that they can barely even trust her now, she still can’t let go. Toni clings to something unhealthy and awful as the Avengers because of the small amount of comfort that she still finds in the stability of them, because she’s so lonely she could break.

_You’re working with Rumlow, now, Stark? Really scraping the bottom of the barrel, aren’t you? How desperate are you for a family that you have to buy up Hydra operatives?_

Rumlow’s gaze turns to Barnes and his voice is quiet. “I remember you.”

The Soldier’s voice is taut. “That’s funny,” he says as he stomps forward. “So do I.”

And suddenly, Rumlow is crashing against the wall, screams echoing around the place, as Toni surges forward, shouting her protests. Her heart is hammering hard and the world is falling away in the face of her climbing anxieties, but Toni forces herself to push past that. Rumlow is in a crumpled heap on the ground, groaning as he tries to lift himself to his feet.

“Stop!” Toni shouts, pushing herself in front of Rumlow deliberately.

“Toni,” Romanoff says, her eyes wide. “Rumlow—,”

“Is a _Stark_ employee now,” Toni snaps angrily.

“A Stark Industries employee?” Rogers repeats, looking bewildered and angry at the same time. “You’re mad about Wanda, but you’ll bring in _him_?”

“Rumlow’s not an Avenger,” Toni protests.

“No, he’s Crossbones and he tried to kill us—,”

“ _You_ ,” Rumlow corrects, as Toni tamps down her slow rising panic. “I tried to kill you.”

“Is this really the time for specifics?” she hisses at him angrily.

“I should _kill_ you,” Romanoff snarls.

“Don’t,” Toni says. “He’s got a very impressive resume.”

There is a moment of silence and Toni uses it to step out of the way, her head pounding. She stares up at the Soldier, not saying a word, but it’s Rumlow who speaks, his voice grave.

“I’m sorry,” he tells the Soldier, voice gruff. “There’s a lot of shit I’ve done and I’m sorry for all of it. Especially what I did to you. If there’s—there’s anything you want from me, other than my shitty apology cards, I’d do anything.”

“Those Hallmark cards?” Rogers blinks, startled. “Like you bothered to apologise.”

Rumlow narrows his eyes. “You didn’t even open them, did you?” he says. “So, I wasted twenty bucks for nothing? Fuck’s sake, Cap. You sure are a shining paragon.”

“What the fuck are you doing here, Rumlow?” Toni snarls at him, swallowing thickly. “Did you and Friday cook this up together?”

She doesn’t even need to see his face to know the answer and the betrayal cuts through her, sharp. Rumlow’s face is apologetic.

“In my defence, your AI is really convincing,” he tries to say. “We just wanted to help, Toni—,”

“This is not helping!” Toni snaps, stumbling back. “You know what would help me? If any of you fuckers _believed in Thanos!”_

Romanoff’s forehead clears a little, but she’s still pushing herself in front of Rumlow, suspicious. “Toni, can you calm down, please? This fixation with New York isn’t healthy. You know this,” she says, her voice patronisingly gentle. When Rumlow turns, Romanoff immediately hits him in the face. “Touch Toni, and you die, Crossbones.”

Her fingers are shaking as she scrambles away from them all, back hitting the large glass window painfully. Toni is breathing hard, unable to stop herself, blood pounding in her ears, her heart beating hard. Her chest feels like it’s about to cave in on herself and God, she’s just so tired, she’s just so sick of it all—

When Rogers takes a step forward, Toni pushes back again.

“Stay—stay back,” she snarls fiercely, rubbing her head.

“Toni—,” Rumlow begins.

“Fuck off,” she snaps at him hotly, before she storms out.

.

.

Toni doesn’t hesitate when she reaches the Compound.

Her mind’s a blur and she’s breathing hard, as she pounds up the steps, muttering desperately all the way, a hiss of curses escaping her lips. Storming through the Compound, ignoring whatever calls her phone is blowing up with, Toni slams the doors of the workshop shut. Her fingers are trembling as she paces desperately, Rhodey’s face in her vision, her breaths coming out fraught and anxious.

 _Just calm down_ , she can do that, she thinks, she can just easily calm down—

She’s fraying, pulling apart at the seams, and the worst thing is that she can feel it happening. Toni paces frantically, trying to calm herself down before she sinks helplessly to her knees, keeling over as a few hoarse sobs escape her lips. Her head is screaming, because this isn’t fair, this isn’t fair at all.

_Why is this happening? Everything is just so horrible and she’s going to die, she’s going to bleed apart like she always should have, and the world just won’t stop. Just stop, please, please—_

_Don’t do it_ , someone whispers, sounding like her mother, but Toni crawls to the liquor cabinet anyway.

She sees her face reflected in the pane.

And then, glass is cracking under her fingers and Toni’s hand curls around a familiar bottle and the world is tilted once more. Alcohol, sweet, blessed alcohol burns down her throat again, and Toni downs it completely, coughing hotly, her eyes watering. She’s burning up with fury and fever, kicking at some stupid fucking sofa in her way as it threatens to trip her up.

“Toni, you’re _scaring_ me—,” Friday sounds distraught.

“ _You_ ,” Toni snarls, her voice slurred as she tilts the bottle down into her throat, tossing it to the ground when it comes up empty. She rummages in the liquor cabinet for more, kicking aside the pillows. “You said you were on my side and here you are, leaving me for fucking Rumlow—,”

“I just wanted them gone, Boss—,”

“Well, I didn’t!” Toni snaps furiously, and she’s burning up with anger now, her heart blazing in her chest. “Fuck!”

Her gaze falls to her gauntlets, moving her fingers so that it wraps around her clenched fist and Toni aims it at her stupid workshop angrily. Fuck it, she thinks furiously. It’s her fault, it’s all her stupid fault—and then she’s blasting the tables until they crash against the wall heavily. Glass shatters everywhere and the bots are whining, but Toni can’t hear anything above the pounding in her ears.

She kicks at the fallen table, everything before her a mess, just like her life.

The stupid fucking universe, stupid Thanos—everything. Toni barks out hysterically, “The universe is throwing a fucking hissy fit, because I refuse to sleep with the man who killed me, can you fucking believe that?”

She smashes the next empty bottle on the table, the glass cutting through her palm. The bots are cowering in the corner, and she can hear some tentative calls from outside the workshop—the _kids_ , she thinks with some horror, a stab of guilt in her stomach—but Toni doesn’t give a shit anymore, something ugly and horrible burning through her.

“Toni, _please_ ,” Friday says, sounding desperate. “You’re starting to panic. Your heartbeat is climbing. Remember hydrogen—,”

It grates on Toni, her heart aching.

“Shut up, Friday,” she snarls out angrily, as she scrabbles for another bottle, downing half of it and using the glass to stab at the gauntlets wrapped around her wrists. “Always yapping in my ear, like you give a shit.”

Friday mutes immediately, but Toni’s words linger in the air around her. She doesn’t like this part of herself, this ugly fury rising within her, but she can’t seem to stop anymore, the words spilling from her mouth like poison. Toni hacks at the gauntlets again, electricity fizzing hotly at her wrists, before she turns the bloodied glass on her arc reactor, stabbing at it pathetically.

Rhodey is going to die and Thanos is going to kill them all and she’s a stupid idiot and everything over the past few months have suddenly piled up on her and she’s all alone now, she has nobody else now. Suddenly, the workshop is too loud, and she doesn’t want to be here anymore.

Her saviour, Iron Woman, wraps around her tight, as Toni takes to the skies again, her movements clumsy as she swigs the bottle she refuses to leave behind. Friday is still quiet as Toni moves inelegantly through the air, before she’s tired again. Exhaustion pulls at her and Toni’s head is pounding hotly as she kneels to the ground, breathless and sobbing hotly.

She’s on the ground, the armour falling away around her as she holds her pounding head in her hands. Why can’t she just _fix_ this? What is wrong with her? What is happening to her? 

“Is that Toni _Stark_?”

The voices flitter around her, annoying gnats, but Toni lifts her head to bat it away in irritation. For a moment, she can’t breathe, she doesn’t _want_ to breathe, and her heart feels like it’s going to collapse in her chest and she’s back in Afghanistan again where she should have died with Yinsen.

It is Toni Stark, she wants to say, but her head pounds too hard.

Never Iron Woman. Everyone always wants Iron Woman to Toni Stark, after all.

_Big woman in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

Her voice cracks as she starts to cry again, shaking her head. People are crowding her, shadows flitting over her, but there’s someone pushing them away, kneeling before her. Toni wants to fall over on the ground, to never get back up again, her breaths hot.

“Ms Stark, are you okay? Give her some space, guys!”

“Someone call an ambulance—,”

“This woman needs help—,”

“No,” Toni says, shaking her head. “Don’t deserve—no, no help.” She stares helplessly at the woman in front of her, grip tightening on the bottle beside her. “I’m s’pposed to fix things. So, why can’t I fix _me?”_

“Ms Stark, it’s going to be okay,” the woman tells her, and God, she looks like Mama, Toni thinks, her heart pulling. “We’re going to get you help—,”

“No,” Toni says, pulling back desperately. “No help.”

She doesn’t deserve help, she thinks blindingly as Iron Woman embraces her once more. Toni is sobbing hard, as she grips the bottle again, the stupid, toxic thing that she is, before taking to the skies once more.

A good day, she’d thought it would be, she thinks a little hysterically. She should have known by now that such things weren’t possible for monsters like her.

Toni was stupid to even hope.

.

.

“Oh my God, where could she be?” Maria is pacing the room, running a hand through her hair desperately. She’s almost in tears, breathless with worry as they watch Toni breaking down on the news, her heart in her throat. “She ran. You stupid idiot, Rumlow. Why would you do that—,”

They’re in the Compound again, having raced to follow Toni, but Friday won’t let any of them into the workshop, only telling them that Toni had left. She’d hacked at the tracker in the Iron Woman suit, so she wouldn’t be followed, and she’d run. The AI is distraught with the accusations of betrayal and despite Maria’s best efforts, Friday won’t listen to her. She can hear some commotion in the workshop, only explained away by Friday who tells her that the bots are trying to clean up.

Rumlow is tense at the door, with the rest of the Avengers keeping a sharp eye on him as though they expect him to attack immediately. Maria is still confused about that. She’d assumed that Toni had told them about him and had explained how he’d changed. She’d thought that if the Avengers were so big-hearted to accept Wanda, who had attacked them all, into the fold, then there was no question of accepting Rumlow either, which was why she’d never asked after him. Barton is reassuring his children, though they don’t care for it, with Lila having demanded to know what they’d done to upset Toni so much before stomping off into her room, Cooper following closely.

“I don’t understand,” Natasha says stiffly. “She seemed fine—,”

“Ms Hill,” Friday says quietly, and the AI is in pain, Maria can tell, her heart catching for the poor thing. She didn’t mean to hurt Toni, she knows. “Boss received upsetting news about Colonel Rhodes and Thanos before she arrived here. She also barely slept last night, preceding an attack on the Compound by the Secretary of State.”

“Rhodes?” Sam’s head snaps up. “What about Rhodes?”

Maria stares at them, pausing in her pacing for a moment. She’s bewildered when she speaks. “You don’t know? Toni didn’t tell you?”

Clint narrows his gaze. “Know _what_?”

“Colonel Rhodes has been in a coma for half a year,” Maria says, as the shock crawls in. “Since—since the Civil War.”

Steve looks like she’s punched him in the face. They’re all looking stunned, their eyes wide and Wilson looks wrought with guilt. Beside her, the desk where Friday has turned her controls to blinks a soft blue.

“Friday?” Maria says softly. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s December 16th,” Friday answers, but doesn’t continue.

Beside her, James Barnes stiffens, and Steve’s face turns ashen. Natasha’s gaze catches this, turning her head to eye Maria carefully as though she thinks Maria will have any answers. Maria falters, trying not to wring her hands, and tries to sound as sympathetic as possible.

“I don’t—I don’t know what that means, Fri.”

Instead of answering, Friday throws up different screens around her, news articles and websites gleaming, and Maria feels like she’s been punched. She’s such an idiot.

“Where would she go?”

“Where is there for her to go?” Rumlow mutters. “Where would _you_ go?”

Maria’s voice is soft. “I’d go to my mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. 
> 
> Yeah, I have no words. :D


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the response from the last chapter was ...really something. I want to apologise, first of all, because I know that Toni's breakdown made a couple of people feel really bad and emotionally drained and that was never my intention, so I am very sorry for that. I know my story is heavy and depressing at the beginning, but I never wanted to make people feel bad. 
> 
> I also know that most people expected a cathartic revenge story when they started this fanfiction, like other stories, and when I started this story, I meant to go down that route, too. But then Toni's journey sort of took over and the Avengers got put in the backburner as I started to explore the real plot of the story which was Toni Stark herself. She had to fall harder than she'd ever fallen before, so she could rise again. The last chapter is her turning point - the realisation that what she's been desperately grasping for in the Avengers is no longer there or perhaps it was never there, at all. 
> 
> The last chapter, personally, was quite dark for me, too. The whole story has been dark for me, tbh, but I always thought that Tony Stark should have had a breakdown in canon, so the way Toni constantly exerted herself meant that she was gearing up for one and it was long overdue for her. She's not going to be magically better after this, but she is going to continue to strive towards becoming better, though that sentiment will completely cement itself over the next few arcs I have planned for her. Right now, at the moment she needs them most, Toni's real family will start to rise for her.
> 
> I completely understand that my story might be difficult to read for some people and I am here to say that I don't mind at all if you choose not to. Thank you for reading it at all, really - I'm grateful that you read it anyway. I know that this story is very slow paced and it's hard to read, so I'm going to start writing and editing faster so I can upload more regularly. That way it can feel less slow and I can hopefully show you why I needed the first twenty chapters to kick the rest of it into gear.
> 
> Lastly, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to all of you. Thank you to everyone who reads and comments and gives me kudos. Because of you, my days are a little bit brighter and I'm so very grateful for that, so thank you. :D

Her heart hurts when she sees Toni.

Maria barrels out of the car, leaving Christine with a strict set of instructions to stay inside and out of sight, her fingers shaking. She’d thought the reporter might argue, but Christine only nods quietly, telling Maria to find Toni as quick as possible. The graveyard is cold as she follows the worn path quickly, her heart in her throat, but she notes the slight mess in the place that means someone’s been there. The scuffed mud with marks left in it, the flat grass, the strings of wildflowers left over untouched gravestones.

With every step, Maria’s heart grows heavier.

For a moment, she can’t see Toni and she starts to briefly panic. Perhaps she’d been wrong. Maybe she didn’t know Toni as well as she thought, after all. They’d all been desperate and nobody else had any better ideas, not even Steve or Natasha, who knew her best, Maria had thought. Even Clint seemed to fall short of any ideas and Maria had wondered at that.

If they were so close that Clint could trust Toni with his family’s safety, surely, he would have bothered to know where Toni would go, after having such a horrible breakdown. Maria thinks of the way they had flushed when she’d questioned them all. She’d thought it was just worry and concern over Toni’s wellbeing, but now she wonders if it was something like shame. Perhaps _they_ didn’t know Toni as well as they thought, either.

And then, Maria sees her.

Amidst the long stems of overgrown moss and greenery, Toni is half covered away, as though she is a part of nature itself. Or Mother Nature is protecting her, Maria thinks suddenly, faltering in her steps. The Stark woman is curled up against the cold tombstone, fingers pressed reverently to the name carved into the stone, the sunlight catching the gleaming tear tracks on her cheeks.

Maria’s throat is dry.

Toni is sleeping fitfully, a bottle lingering at her feet, bloodstains dried against her clothes. When Maria surges forward, she hears the gauntlets still fizzing slightly from where she had torn out parts of the metal. Toni is completely frozen as Maria drops to her knees, hesitant and anxious. She checks briefly to make sure that Toni is still breathing, her heart in her mouth, as Toni’s chest rises and falls slightly.

She touches her arm tentatively. It’s cold to the touch, panic-inducing and awful.

“Oh, Toni,” Maria murmurs, heartbroken. She realises she’s crying before she can stop herself, breaths hitching as she leans forward. “Toni, wake up.”

She watches Toni start to flinch, so she’s ready when her clenched fist comes at her.

Maria ducks the blow quickly, straightening just in time. Toni’s eyes are wide, her breathing hoarse, as she pushes herself back into the tombstone. She’s automatic in the way she lifts her hands to protect herself, pressing one hand against the arc reactor defensively.

The way Toni looks, like a frightened deer, scrambling to protect herself, just _hurts._ How many times has Toni woken like this? Maria’s mind reels, remembering the last time she’d woken Toni up like this. She’d been just the same, she thinks, her stomach dropping. No wonder Toni barely sleeps, if she wakes like this, consumed with this kind of fear.

It takes Toni too long to realise that Maria is not a threat and with every second that passes, Maria’s heart cracks apart a little more.

“M—Maria?”

“Hey, Toni,” Maria says gently.

Toni is staring around herself, the crippling realisation crumpling through her features. Her entire body sags heavily, but she shifts uncomfortably, not saying anything. When she shifts a little, the bottle clinks against the gravestone and Toni’s embarrassed face looks ready to crumple all over again, so Maria speaks, first.

“Hi, Toni,” she says again, her heart in her throat. “It—we—,”

Toni lifts her head. “Leave me alone, Maria,” she mumbles, her cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment. “Go away. I wanna die.”

Her words shoot something in Maria’s stomach, turns her voice fiercer than Maria wants it to be. “I’m not going to let you,” she says, voice taut with emotion.

“I don’t need your fucking pity.”

“I’m not pitying you, Toni.” She gives her a disbelieving look and Maria retracts her statement. “I spent this whole night looking for you, because you’re my friend and you were hurt and upset, and I wanted to make sure you were _okay_.” When Toni doesn’t answer, Maria keeps talking, slightly encouraged. “Friday’s fine and so are the bots. Little shaken, but they’re looking for you.” Toni’s guiltily closed her eyes at the mention of the AI and the bots, her face flushed. “Vision, too. He came back to help me find you here. And Christine says she’s bought you a bunch of tea. Stark Industries board members are advocating for you to take some days off, to have a bit of a break—,”

“I don’t need a break,” Toni snaps angrily, jutting out her chin. “I’m not an idiot. I can do it—I don’t need anyone’s handouts!”

“These aren’t handouts, Toni. Everyone needs a break sometimes,” Maria tells her, voice soft and perhaps it’s the quietness with which she speaks that seems to break apart Toni’s defensive stance. Toni stares at her, eyes wet. “And your vacation’s long overdue, Toni.”

For a moment, she thinks Toni might get defensive again. Might lash out angrily, because she’s said the wrong thing. But Toni’s shoulders slump and her gaze falls on something, before the exhaustion pulls her down. Maria makes sure to keep a respectful distance, because to touch Toni now in such a fragile state would be to ruin everything. She waits, patient and quiet, for her answer.

Toni’s voice cracks when she speaks, head lowered. “Can’t afford a vacation,” she mumbles, shaking her head. “Too—too much to do.”

“I’ll do it,” Maria tells her earnestly, but Toni is chuckling dryly, some hoarse and hysterical laughter pouring from her throat. “Stop laughing at me. You know I’m capable, Toni. I can help you—,”

“You don’t understand,” Toni mutters, her fingers scratching at the shifted gauntlets around her wrists and for the first time, Maria realises that they’re breaking apart, the metal whining. “It’s my fault. It’s always, _always_ my fault—,”

“Nobody is blaming you for this, Toni. I swear it.” Maria’s solemn as she leans forward to reassure her, fiercely protective as she speaks. “If anyone even tries, I’ll have them six feet under before the day’s out.”

But Toni doesn’t laugh. She shakes her head, as though Maria’s the one who doesn’t understand.

“Thanos,” Toni says. “It’s my fault he’s coming.”

Maria’s stomach drops. She trusts Toni, knows that she can’t ever be wrong. But this is the woman who has spent years fighting against the very thing she thinks is her fault, now. “You can’t blame Thanos on you—,”

“I did it,” Toni whispers brokenly. “It’s my fault.”

And then, Toni’s eyes fixed on her, Maria watches as the Stark woman slowly pushes away the metal gauntlets from her wrist. She’s confused at first, turning her gaze from Toni’s face to her wrists, before she’s reeling back, her stomach turning uncomfortably.

The flesh on Toni’s wrist is torn apart, blood still pouring from the open wound. It’s a horrifying sight, one that turns her stomach in disgust, as Maria hacks out a startled gasp. She’s going to be sick, her face turning wan as she presses her hand to her mouth. Dear God, she thinks, who could have done something so terrible to Toni?

“Who did that?” she demands fiercely, lifting her head to meet Toni’s gaze. Maria is talking fast, breathless in her rippling rage, and she’s seeing red, almost blinded in her fury. “I swear to God, Toni, give me their name and I’ll kill them, I’ll bury them, I swear to you—,”

Toni’s eyes widen briefly, but she shakes her head to stop Maria’s furious spiel. When she speaks again, her voice soft and careful as she lowers her gaze back to the empty bottle in remembered shame, Maria feels like she’s been punched in the gut.

“I did it,” she confesses heavily. Toni lifts her head, something pleading in her gaze. “So, kill me.”

Maria is bowled over completely, her heart sinking in her chest as she stares in horror towards Toni. She doesn’t understand. Why would Toni lie—no. She’s not lying. This is Toni telling her the truth. But how could she do such a terrible thing to herself? What could bring her to the brink like that?

Slowly, Maria turns her head back to her wrist, her stomach clenching in horror once more. She has to bite down on her lip to stop herself from actually throwing up, a hot flush crawling up her neck.

And then she sees it.

“Toni?” Her voice is soft and breaking apart, but Toni doesn’t answer. “Toni, is that—is that Steve’s shield?”

Maria watches Toni’s face crumple, watches Toni Stark cry, for the first time in her life. It’s a horrible sight and she’s never seen a stronger person in her life. Toni is breathing hoarsely, trying to hold back her sobs but the tears leak from her anyway, and Maria’s mind reels. When had this happened? _How_ could this have happened? Why would Steve ever stand for such a thing?

 _Siberia_ , she suddenly thinks, cold all over.

Toni had always worn the bandage. She was known for it. But the metal gauntlets came after Siberia.

After Toni had followed Steve and James Barnes into that abandoned Hydra base, where they’d fought the old Winter Soldiers together and Toni had helped the other two escape. Maria knows the story, has repeated it a thousand times over. She’d never thought anything else could have happened, but Maria’s mind works fast and desperate.

All those times she’d never quite managed to add up the strangeness, she thinks frantically. The way Toni calls Steve _Rogers_ now, the way she eyes him as though he was a hunter, when she’d even demanded that she be seated somewhere near Sam Wilson and Scott Lang. The strange requests that Maria hadn’t questioned, because Toni was Toni and there were a million and one things flying in that clever head of hers.

_What did Steve do?_

Maria’s suddenly seized by that same red rage as before, her gut clenching angrily. But as Toni stares at her, a mixture of something like guilt and terror writhing in her features, she’s struck by the reminder of how both Toni and Friday had been convinced she’d leave them. The Jaguar, Maria thinks, and she remembers the way Priya from Legal had laughed over the stunned look in her face when she’d received the keys.

Nobody had batted an eye over the expense; they’d even seemed to have expected it. The way Toni lavished expensive gifts over people around her and it had been then that Maria realised that it was Toni’s way of keeping people close to her. That she didn’t want Maria to leave, that she wouldn’t be able to bear it. When she’d given the Jaguar back, she did it, knowing that she was choosing Toni, first.

Which meant that Steve didn’t matter right now.

 _Toni_ did.

“You—you _mutilated_ yourself,” she breathes in horror, staring.

It’s unsettling, the way Toni straightens quickly. The way she hitches a quick smile to her face, easy as anything. Maria recognises it as her press-smile, something sad hitting her chest at the thought that she’d be on the receiving end because Toni’s convinced that she doesn’t care.

“I prefer to think of it as cutting out the toxicity in my life,” she offers helpfully.

For a moment, Maria thinks she hasn’t heard her right, her expression staying the same, before she stares. And then—

“DID YOU JUST MAKE A FUCKING _PUN_?”

.

.

Toni is surprised at the sheer vehemence pouring from Maria right now.

She’d never have expected so much emotion from the other woman and it’s startling to see, the way Maria just explodes in the quiet graveyard. Toni had known that it was a pretty shitty joke to make, especially with her mother lying right beside her, but she hadn’t been able to help herself. Some stupidity had seized her, and Maria had seen the torn soulmark and then she’d been convinced that she’d lose Maria forever.

“Maria—,”

"This isn't something to joke about, Toni!" Maria is shouting at her furiously. "This is your soul mark!"

"I _know_!" Toni says fiercely, so sharply that Maria is drawn up short. "I don't get why you care."

"Why wouldn't you think I care?"

"Well," Toni says blankly, gesturing to Maria, "you hate me."

It's kind of obvious, Toni thinks.

Maria has never really liked her, which Toni never realised until she hired her after SHIELD fell. She'd known that Maria and Nick Fury were really close, but SHIELD's legacy had been everything to Fury, so Toni knew that Maria was devastated when she had to come to Stark Industries. Toni tried not to make her feel worse about it, but she saw the side-eyes and the huffs, and the annoyed looks Maria kept giving her during the interviewing processes.

It was exactly the same exasperation she was used to from most SHIELD agents and though Rhodey had vehemently argued against bringing someone like her onto the team, someone who " _clearly_ hates your guts, Toni", Toni couldn't help herself. She had scrambled to clean up everything, after SHIELD fell, sending out the Iron Legion in a mad frenzy and panic as more and more SHIELD employees were exposed horrifically in their missions. Though Toni had done all she could, she knew it could never be enough. She thinks Maria probably resents her for it, resents her for being forced into a Stark Industries position.

"How—how can you say that?" Maria says, looking stunned.

Toni blinks.

"You were the one who signed off on that psych eval Romanoff wrote," she points out, but to her confusion, Maria winces. "Plus, you hated me when we first met."

"That—that psych eval was a mistake," Maria says weakly, waving a hand. "It was never you. I see that now. And yes, I had preconceived judgements of you, but you can't think that I'd stay this long if I _hated_ you, Toni."

Toni shrugs.

Pepper stayed this long. The Avengers were around, mooching off her for years. Heck, even SHIELD spent ages infiltrating her company to get at her.

But Maria is staring at her, clearly wanting an answer. Toni clears her throat, awkwardly. She doesn't want to say anything in case she inadvertently scares off Maria and another person leaves her.

"Obadiah stayed for most of my life," she says, trying to help Maria understand. "It's—well, I kind of figured you had no place else to go."

But Maria's face cripples in horror, as she stares at her. Her eyes are wide, as she turns her gaze back to Toni's soul mark. Toni quickly begins to bind it up again, the sight of the torn flesh making her stomach queasy.

"You didn't tell me about Siberia, because you thought I'd use it against you," Maria says slowly, staring at her. When Toni tries to speak, she shakes her head. "You thought I was like _Stane_ , that I'd hurt you because you think I hate you? God, Toni, for someone so smart, you can be such an idiot." She gives a small sigh, looking Toni in the eye. "You're right. I hated you when we first met, because I thought you were an arrogant, stupid CEO who had too much money to know what to do with it. I thought you were playing at being a superhero, but when SHIELD fell, and Romanoff and Rogers burned all those agents, you—you saved them _all_ , Toni." Her face softens. "I don't think you realise it, because sometimes you can be so oblivious, but the SHIELD agents that you saved, that you went above and beyond for, in saving their lives, in rehabilitating them, in protecting their families, in giving them jobs and homes— _God_ , Toni, how could you think any of them would _hate_ a person like that?"

This is getting very awkward for Toni. She genuinely doesn't know what to do, in the face of Maria's unfamiliar softness. Maria has never looked so earnest before, never been so serious like this. Toni would rather have her shouting at her, she thinks.

"Maria," she begins, flushing painfully. "Seriously, it's fine—,"

"No," Maria says, shaking her head. "No, I don't think it is. Because you're bleeding out of your wrist right now and Steve’s—Steve’s your _soulmate_ and I just—I don’t understand _why_ , Toni.”

Toni looks away, back to her mother’s name. She reaches a hand to trace the lettering carefully, the usual guilt and pain swirling deep in her stomach uncomfortably. Remembers just _how_ close she’d gotten to pulling the arc reactor out of her own chest last night.

“Siberia—it was my fault,” she says dully. “I hit him first.”

“Why?” Maria’s voice is soft.

Her breaths hitch. “Barnes killed my parents—and Rogers knew for two years.”

Maria swears, but when Toni looks at her, the vitriol seems aimed at Rogers, _not_ her. It’s startling, the way Maria stares at Toni, looking as though she might cry.

“Steve—Steve—,” Maria looks as though she might be sick, horror clinging to her features. “Jesus, Toni. You kept that locked up in you for _months_? But—I don’t understand. If it wasn’t the Winter Soldiers, then who left you in Siberia like that?”

Even now, Toni thinks, it’s hard to think that Captain America could be capable of such pain. If she hadn’t been on the receiving end, Toni knows that she would have had difficulty believing it, too. But she doesn’t say anything, just sits and waits quietly for Maria to figure it out.

It doesn’t take long.

Maria’s eyes widen, before her gaze turns back to the soulmark. Her face hardens and there’s something dark and powerful in her voice when she speaks.

“Steve—Steve left you like that?” Her voice is taut with badly suppressed fury.

Toni looks away quickly, blinking.

"Rammed the shield into my throat," she says, and it's like she's back in the cold bunker again, blood rushing in her ears, as Steve raises her father's shield over her throat. "He left me to die, so I—I didn't want to die with his mark still on me."

"So, you—you did that," Maria says, her voice growing into a soft, horrified whisper as her gaze drags back down to her wrist. " _God_ , Toni."

.

.

It takes a lot of time, but Toni finally gets to her feet.

Maria doesn’t rush her, just sits by her side and listens to her patiently as Toni explains everything. She’s used to spending December 16th watching her mother desperately over and over again, locking herself in the workshop with a bottle of expensive alcohol and sleeping to the soft hums of her mother’s voice. This was never what she’d wanted, but Maria looks as though she’d never be anywhere else but here.

Toni’s heart is ragged and the urge to tear her soulmark apart still lingers somewhere, but Maria’s presence provides a comfort she’d never thought she deserved. Before, she’d have been defensive, but everyone has seen her at her worst now. People must be so mad, she thinks to herself. What problems could a genius, billionaire, playgirl, philanthropist possibly have? The bitterness reeks in her mouth as Toni shifts a little, uncomfortable in her stiff position.

“What don’t I know, Toni?” Maria asks softly.

“A lot,” Toni mutters. Her gaze lingers on her mother’s tombstone and she drags a heavy breath. “I miss her.” She’d thought that she’d been wrung dry of tears, but she’s been wrong before. Toni is sobbing quietly at her mother’s grave, the lament soft from her lips. “I never told her I loved her. I should have—I should have _told_ her.”

“I’m sure she knew, Toni,” Maria tells her quietly.

“You don’t _know_ that—,”

“I know that you care for me very much,” Maria says, very matter-of-fact, as Toni’s head snaps up. Her quick anger fades away as Maria continues easily. “You haven’t said it, but I know you care. And you love Friday, the bots. Christine, too. Rumlow, at times. You don’t have to say it, Toni. But we know, all the same.” She inclines her head to the gravestone, voice soft and respectful. “So, your mother probably knows, too.”

Toni stares helplessly at Maria.

“I don’t deserve you. Any of you.”

Maria juts her chin out defensively. “Well, you’ve got me,” she says firmly. “Whether you deserve me or not. I’ll always be here, Toni.”

Slowly, Toni lets herself breathe out and she gets to her feet first, clumsy a little after sleeping in such an awkward position for so long. She’s grateful for the way Maria doesn’t let her expression change in the slightest, only getting to her feet with a smooth ease as though they’d been talking about the weather rather than helping her after one of the worst breakdowns Toni’s ever had.

“I didn’t—bring anything but the suit,” Toni says suddenly, staring at Maria.

How are they supposed to go back?

But Maria is chuckling lightly. “Don’t worry. Christine’s got this one,” she says, and it’s so strange, Toni thinks, to have people to rely on. Strange, but nice. Maria keeps up a steady stream of easy chatter as she leads the way down the graveyard path, not looking back to make sure that Toni’s following her. “I couldn’t drive because, well, too shaky and Friday’s a little temperamental right now, so Christine offered. I have to warn you, Toni. She thinks she can sing, and she _can’t_. It’s physically painful, especially because she’s so happy right now. Says she’s got yet another promotion in the bag…”

Toni lingers a little, fingers gripping shamefully around the empty bottle. She swallows thickly, presses her fingers reverently to her mother’s name, and then shakily follows Maria out of the graveyard.

To her credit, Christine only looks overwhelmingly relieved when she sees Toni again.

A bright smile blooms across her face in a way that makes Toni want to look around her, to make sure that it’s actually her presence that could make someone so happy. She’s gotten out of the car, skidding to a stop in front of Toni, as she checks to make sure that she’s okay. Christine’s features only falter a little when she sees the blood still trailing from the soulmark, but she lets out a breath.

“We found you,” she murmurs gratefully. “Hi, Toni.”

“What are you doing here, Christine?” Toni blurts out before she can stop herself. “I thought you had a promotion to secure.”

“Well, you know Maria,” Christine jokes. “Couldn’t work without me.”

Maria rolls her eyes. “If we’re finished making fun of me? We have a Compound to get back to and a long car ride to catch up.”

Toni falters a little. She doesn’t say a word, but Christine’s sharp eyes catch the motion. The idea of going back to the Compound makes her feel sick to her stomach. She doesn’t want to go back there. It’s not a home to her and it keeps reminding her of how pathetic she really is. To bring back the Avengers because she was fucking lonely.

God, how pathetic is that?

“Or,” Christine says easily, “my mom doesn’t live far from here. Marissa’ll throw a fit when she sees you.” When Toni hesitates, Christine continues. “Besides, no offence, Toni, but you don’t look so good. You can have a shower, rest, eat. Mom’s food is amazing, trust me.”

“I don’t—I don’t want to intrude—,” Toni begins, guilt writhing thickly in her stomach.

“You wouldn’t be,” Christine tells her cheerfully. “You can buy the tea from her personally.”

.

.

Mrs Everhart’s eyes go as wide as saucers when she sees Toni Stark at her doorstep. 

Because Toni is a Stark, she does not cower. She gives a small, tentative smile in wordless greeting, as Christine flies into her mother’s arms happily. Beside her, Maria is trying to comb out the tangles in her hair with her fingers, looking a little frazzled at her less-than-pristine state, but Toni could barely care for her own bedraggled state. And Mrs Everhart takes it all in stride.

“Mom, this is Toni Stark and Maria Hill,” Christine says. “Toni’s the reason I’m still alive, by the way.”

Toni opens her mouth to debunk Christine’s claims. The reporter had Ross in the palm of her hand in a way that Toni never could, but Mrs Everhart only beams at her happily. She surges forward to pull Toni bodily into the house, bustling them all inside with a smooth ease and comfort that startles Toni. Christine toes off her shoes, happily recalling her face-off with Ross, embellishing her feats in a way she’d never spoken to Toni before. She’s happy here, the reporter, Toni realises, and thinks that it’s a beautiful thing, to have somewhere that would always be a home to her.

“You weren’t worried about Ross?” Maria is asking curiously.

“My Christine’s always gone after every bully in the playground. She did send us a few messages, but he only had her for an evening. He did worse than that Russian terrorist, didn’t he, Christine?” Mrs Everhart tells them, and though she’s joking with Christine, Toni eyes the way her mother wraps her fingers around her daughter protectively, embraces her for a little too long. Maybe she’s not the only one who pretends everything is okay, then.

“Where’s Marissa?” Christine demands. She’s become almost childishly humorous again in her childhood home. “I can’t wait to shove this in her face. She’s going to _hate_ me.”

“Don’t start fighting again, you two!” Mrs Everhart calls after Christine. She shakes her head at her daughter fondly before turning back to them. “Shoes off, dears, and come inside.”

“We don’t mean to intrude,” Toni says politely. “We won’t be here long—,”

“Nonsense,” Mrs Everhart says motherly and she reaches to brush aside Toni’s curls, beaming at her happily. The movement catches Toni’s heart. “Any friend of Christine’s is a friend of the Everharts. I have a lasagne warming in the oven for you. Bathroom’s that way, Christine’s clothes should fit you, I think, though they might be a mite big. You’re a small thing, aren’t you?”

“Thank you,” Toni manages to get out, startled, as Christine pops back into view, sans her sister. “I’ll pay for the—,”

“You won’t do any such thing,” Mrs Everhart tells her firmly, and the smile that she gives Toni warms her heart. “Go on, then, pet. You’ll be okay.”

Her words resound in Toni’s head as Christine scrounges up a shirt and jeans for her, before she’s in the bathroom, staring at the taps. The water gushes blindingly as Toni forces herself to breathe, her head aching something fierce.

Her fingers are shaking, but Toni lets out a deep breath and enters the shower.

.

.

Sarah Everhart looks after the young woman with the haunted eyes, with an ache in her heart.

What has Toni Stark seen, to look like that? Beside her, Christine lets herself relax, exhaustion slumping her shoulders as she bustles Maria into the other shower, waving away any protests easily. Sarah lets herself breathe out again as she looks over her daughter before moving into the kitchen. Christine follows, as she knew she would, and starts to help her set the table.

It takes time for her daughter to speak, but Sarah is patient, as ever.

“She had nowhere else to go, Mom,” Christine says wearily, tilting her head up. Her voice cracks when she continues. “We found her in—Mom, we found her in the Stark graveyard plot.”

Sarah’s fingers shake as she presses them to the kitchen counter, her hair slipping past her shoulders when she stares at her ashen-faced daughter. She’s not an idiot. She’s seen the news, knows what’s happened. Toni Stark’s horrific and very public breakdown is peppered all over every news station, with the massive question of _WHERE IS TONI STARK_ on everyone’s mouths. The video of her falling apart is already racking over millions of hits, people are starting to offer their services and support, and according to Marissa, #SaveToniStark has trended, whatever that means.

She knew Toni Stark mostly from what her daughters told her.

Christine is hard on her, but that’s because Sarah knows how much Christine admires Toni Stark. Her daughter is always hardest on those she cares for and Marissa is a genius in MIT, following in her hero’s footsteps. Most of what Marissa talks about goes completely over Sarah’s head, but she tries to keep up for her daughter’s sake, anyway.

Toni Stark is supposed to be a deviant, Sarah knows. Selfish and thoughtless and reckless to the core.

But the woman who had entered her house looked as though she were Atlas himself, her shoulders slumped with the weight of the world on her shoulders, blood staining her wrists and tear tracks still glistening on her cheeks. Her heart had pulled for the poor Stark over the years at some points, whenever she’d see her. Sarah had noticed, even without Marissa’s comments, how Toni Stark had started to look ragged and tired with the never-ending pressure on her shoulders, despite her usually stylish appearance and chic demeanour.

Christine is shaking, having collapsed in the chair tiredly. She lifts her head up and Sarah crosses the kitchen to embrace her daughter tightly, noting quietly how Christine holds her tighter.

“Maria—Maria says she wanted to see her mom,” Christine mumbles into her shoulder and Sarah’s heart drops.

The poor soul, she thinks, and she has to blink a little.

“Toni Stark is in my shower!” Marissa’s voice is a thin hiss as she bursts into the kitchen, wide-eyed. “Christine, you’re alive.”

“You could sound a little happier,” Christine says, though her voice has less of the usual bite. “Come here, you little gremlin.”

Marissa rolls her eyes but willingly lets herself be embraced by Christine and Sarah’s heart warms at the two finally getting along. Christine moving to New York was perhaps the best thing to happen to these two, both of whom used to fight like cats and dogs almost every single day. Sarah used to despair, thinking she was doing everything wrong, but she’d forgotten to give credit to her daughters, who knew they loved each other deeply.

“Why is Toni Stark in my shower?” Marissa says, pulling back to stare at them both, looking excited.

Sarah takes charge. “Marissa, sweetheart, I know you’re excited, but we must be considerate of Toni herself. She’s been through a terrible ordeal and I don’t think fawning over her is going to do any good.”

Marissa nods, to Sarah’s surprise. She’d thought that her youngest would start arguing, but Marissa is starting to surprise Sarah a lot more, these days.

“I saw her on the news,” Marissa says. “And you, Chrissy. She didn’t—she looked really bad. Is she going to be okay?”

Christine’s gaze lingers over her sister, as Sarah swallows thickly. “Of course,” Sarah tells them both. “How many times have we seen Toni Stark get up after she’s fallen down? She’s going to be just fine.”

So saying, Sarah instructs her daughters to make themselves useful as both Maria and Toni quietly return to the kitchen. She refuses to hear their attempts to help, making them sit at her table and try some of her famous pie, before she starts plating up dinner. Marissa tries not to look wide-eyed, the sweetheart, but she can’t help herself from sneaking a few awed looks up at her hero, who is trying her best to swallow Sarah’s food. Beside her, Christine keeps digging Marissa in the ribs to stop her staring and Sarah makes a careful note to eye them both sternly when they next look up, to get them to stop.

Maria fills the air with nervous conversation as Toni tries to look a little like the self she’d portrayed for the media. Sarah sees right through the bravado, though, mostly because it’s so fragile. Every time she looks at Toni Stark’s hollowed cheeks, her shaky fingers that she tries to hide away from them, and the purpling bruises across her face from some fight Christine hasn’t told her about yet, Sarah feels her heart ache for the poor thing.

She keeps ladling more food into Toni’s plate, unable to help herself.

“Thank you, Mrs Everhart,” Toni says, “but I couldn’t eat anymore—,”

She’s all bones and skin, Sarah wants to protest. Instead, she swallows and says, “It’s not any bother, dear, I promise you. And that’s Sarah, to you. You must try some of this. You, too, Maria.”

“Thank you… Sarah,” Toni manages to say.

And Toni’s gaze flickers up to her uncertainly as Sarah smiles brightly, trying not to knock her arm into Toni’s gauntlet-covered wrist. Maria’s eyes keep flicking to the gauntlet when she’s not trying to talk to Christine or Marissa, something impassive flitting through her features. Though Sarah’s curious, Toni’s wellbeing and feelings come first.

It’s the motherly side of her. Sarah can’t help it.

“And when you’re done, we’ll put you up in Christine’s old room,” she says easily, as Toni looks ready to protest. “It’s nothing to us, Toni, so sit back down, dear. Is there anything else you’re hungry for?”

“She likes your tea, Mom,” Christine says over a mouthful of lasagne.

“Mouth closed, Christine,” Sarah admonishes lightly, but her heart lightens. “You like my tea?”

Toni’s cheeks flush a little. “You make great tea, Mrs—Sarah,” she says falteringly and the last of Sarah’s doubts filter away in the softness of Toni’s small smile.

.

.

When night falls, Toni is sitting in Christine’s old bed.

She’d thrown up most of dinner, though she thinks she’s been discreet enough as she’d promptly teased Christine about the old posters of the Backstreet Boys and all the other action figures on her dressing table. Christine had moaned at her mother about not throwing any of it out. The way Sarah’s eyes had twinkled before she’d admonished her daughter about precious memories had struck Toni’s heart and for a moment, Toni had wondered if her own mother would do something like that for her.

If she’d had the chance, would Mama frame her graduation certificates like Sarah Everhart? Would she bring out her photo album at every given opportunity, too? What would she say of the Iron Woman armour, now? Would she be proud?

Toni’s throat grows thick, pressure building behind her eyes. She stares at the curling poster on the wall, her fingers shaking again. What makes her think she’d deserve such a thing? Toni’s not meant for a normal life, with a family and children and people who could think to love her.

Then there’s a knock on the door.

“Are you alright, dear?” Sarah pokes her head in, giving a small smile that Toni has to force herself to return. “Everything in order?”

Every time Sarah uses a soft term of endearment for her, Toni’s heart melts just that bit more. It makes her feel like she actually cares, that she’s worthy of Sarah’s love and affection. Makes her wonder if her mother would have continued to call her _mia cara_ or use a myriad of terms instead.

“Yes,” Toni says quickly. “I’m just fine, thank you, Sarah.”

Sarah pauses a little in the doorway, the fluorescent light shifting through her hair. She’s a small woman but she certainly doesn’t seem it, full of a vivacious charm and brimming with generosity.

“You’re being very brave, my darling,” she tells Toni, as something fills in Toni’s throat. “I hope you know that.”

She opens her mouth to deny everything, to lie through her teeth.

“I don’t feel very brave,” Toni confesses hotly before she can stop herself. “I’m—I’m sorry, Sarah—,”

“There’s no need to apologise,” Sarah tells her gently. “May I come in?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” Toni says awkwardly, as she moves aside. “This is—this is your house, after all.”

Sarah is looking at her carefully. “I don’t know you very well, Toni,” she says almost apologetically, her voice soft as she continues, “but from what I can see, you’re in a lot of pain, sweetheart. And I don’t think anyone, least of all you, deserves that on their shoulders.”

Toni feels like she’s going to break apart, but she swallows thickly. “I’m alright,” she lies through her teeth.

“I don’t think you are, sweetheart,” Sarah tells her gently. “But that’s okay. I might not know exactly or understand what you’re going through, but I know pain. And I know what strength looks like that. There’s still hope left, Toni. You are capable of overcoming this and I know that you will.”

Her fingers are shaking and Sarah smiles at her before taking them into her hand. She squeezes comfortingly, reaching to push a stray lock of hair behind Toni’s hair affectionately. Toni’s heart aches, as she breathes hard. Christine’s mother is too kind to her. Would she be so kind if she knew that Toni was an idiot, in wanting the Avengers and not wanting them at the same time?

“I don’t—I just,” she begins thickly. “I’m tired of hating them for what they did. And I—I know that to keep them close is painful, but I can’t seem to—I don’t know what I’ll be without them.” She swallows thickly.

She’s being obtuse, but it doesn’t seem to faze Sarah in the slightest.

“It’s comforting, sometimes, to have something we’re used to. It grounds us,” Sarah explains softly. “But, in the end, we recognise that it’s ultimately bad for us.”

“Is there something wrong with me?” Toni asks. “That I can’t let go, even like this?”

Sarah shakes her head. “Nothing is wrong with you,” she says firmly. “A lot of people have trouble with the toxicity in their lives. I know I did. To love is not a bad thing, Toni. It shows that you have a big heart and a kind soul.”

“It’s not fair,” Toni murmurs. She gives a dry chuckle. “I sound like a five-year-old, but it’s just not fair. Why can’t I just _do_ this?”

“It’s not fair and you don’t deserve it,” Sarah agrees softly. “But that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of overcoming it either. You’ve done half the work, dear. But I think it’s time that you let them go.”

Toni stares at Sarah. “How?” she asks desperately. “How do I do that?”

“It’s up to you,” Sarah tells her kindly. “But whatever decision you make on your path, I hope you know, Toni, that you’re not alone. My Christine’s a firecracker, but she’s fiercely loyal to her friends. And Maria says she’ll bury anyone who tries to hurt you again.” They both give slight chuckles at this and Toni is finding it strange, but her heart is actually lighter. “You’ll be okay, Toni. I hope you know that.”

Her breaths come a little smoother than before as Toni finally manages to smile properly back. When she finds Maria, she has two things to say.

“First of all, we’re going back to the Tower,” she says decisively, as delight and relief enters Maria’s eyes, “and second. Stark Industries is now co-partnering with Everhart Tea House.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An extra long chapter to apologise for the last one! Maria and Toni's family are starting to show themselves and with the help of Sarah Everhart, (kudos to everyone who guessed that Marissa and Sarah would be making an appearance!) Toni's fast learning how to finally let go. Maria finally knows the truth of Siberia and Toni has finally realised that Maria is not like Pepper or the Avengers and that she's here to stay. 
> 
> Never let it be said that Toni Stark doesn't know how to get shit done. She's going back to the Tower, everyone. :D
> 
> I'm going to upload, I think now, on Sundays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, if that's okay with everyone. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you so much for reading :D


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting such lovely things last chapter. Toni's trauma is something that I wanted to do justice to and though it'll be a slow recovery, she will recover, I promise you all. 
> 
> I have a feeling that you will enjoy this chapter. :D

The workshop is a mess.

She pushes the doors open, the night sinking all around her, careful to make no noise and grateful when nobody comes demanding for answers. She’d spent the whole day at the Everharts, answering most of Marissa’s excited questions and remembering what it felt like to invent for fun again through her, accepting some more of Sarah’s tea and amazing pie, and reassuring Christine that she was just fine.

Toni’s guilt spikes when she enters, her gaze raking over the hastily brushed glass, the upturned tables that none of the bots had enough strength to lift, the liquor cabinet, shattered apart and the bottles rolling still, left untouched in the corner, as though it held a curse. Friday is quiet in a way she has never been before, but Toni sees the soft blue light flooding lowly through the countertops where her AI has registered her reappearance.

“Welcome back, boss,” Friday says, her voice clipped and quiet.

It’s like a punch to the gut.

“Friday,” she begins, her voice soft and ragged. “I’m _sorry_.” She turns to look at the bots still in the corner, quiet and unwilling to come to her, guilt writhing through her stomach. “I’m sorry to all of you. I scared you, didn’t I?”

DUM-e buzzes at her, first, and something like hope threads itself into Toni’s guilt. Friday does not answer her for a long moment.

“DUM-e says that he doesn’t want to give you any more pillows,” the AI tells her, and Toni swallows dryly. “He says you hurt him.” Friday pauses. “You hurt us all.”

“I know, and I’m so sorry,” Toni tells them quietly. She reaches forward to press her hand to the countertop, careful and affectionate as ever. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I was upset and angry, but that’s no excuse and you all deserve so much better. I won’t touch your pillows, DUM-e, I promise you.” Her breaths hitch. “You—you wanted to help me, and I only hurt you for it and for that, I’m so, so _sorry._ ”

There is a tentative pause that lingers in the air between them as Toni’s stomach tears itself into knots. Her fingers are tense and low, as she thinks of Maria’s last comments before she’d left her to retrieve her things in the Compound. Maria had assured her that she hadn’t ruined anything, that people wanted to know that Toni Stark was okay. It was strange, to hear that Legal was threatening to burn the Secretary of State alive for trying to manhandle her, that Stark Industries board memories were threatening to sue everything for her. That the concerned public had put out a widespread manhunt after the video of her went viral.

The last twenty-four hours had been crazy, but all Toni thought of was Friday and the bots. Toni had only wanted to go back for Friday and the bots, careless of anything else. But she’d wanted to give them a choice.

“And,” she begins softly, swallowing thickly as she continues, “and I wanted to tell you that I’m finally—I’m moving back to the Tower. I’d understand if you wanted to stay here or—or anywhere else. But if you’d like, you could come back to the Tower with me.”

She’s tentative as she lingers, desperate before the silence stays too long.

None of the bots nor Friday even give a hint that they’ve heard her, and Toni takes the unspoken sentiment for what it is. She’s fractured them apart, hurt them and ruined everything just like she knew she would, and now she drags a breath, steeling herself.

She takes a step forward towards the shattered liquor cabinet, swallowing thickly as her fingers shake. When she clasps the first bottle in her fingers, Toni hears DUM-e whine a little, but she keeps moving, towards the sink. The amber liquid swirls prettily in the sink, followed promptly by every single bottle left in the cabinet. Once Toni is finished, she braces herself to leave them.

“We cannot… hold you accountable for the decisions you made during your breakdown,” Friday says quietly. “Vision says that. And I say—I say that you hurt us, but you could break us apart and tear out our code and destroy us completely and we would still never leave you. We still want you.” Toni’s head snaps up. “Can we go home now, Toni?”

.

.

Her fingers linger over Wanda’s letter, a strange quirk at the edge of her lips.

Apparently, having a public breakdown has the tendency to bring out the strangeness of people. The letter is not very long, for the reports on Wanda’s training are often short, and it has very little detail, but Toni appreciates the sentiment, nonetheless. Wanda is difficult when it comes to expressing her feelings, which had only happened once before when she had thanked Toni for personally requesting that her teachers be Sokovian. Though Toni takes the first spot for repressed emotions, she understands Wanda’s sentiment.

 _I hope that you are okay_.

It’s a kindness that Wanda did not have to provide, Toni thinks as she files away the letter quietly, rummaging through her things again. She’s back in the Tower again and though it’s taking her a while to settle in the bed, Toni’s starting to finally move forwards. It’s a heavy and slow process to dig herself out of the hole she’d tumbled into, but she has Maria and Christine, so it’s not so bad anymore.

She’s still terrified, almost all the time, but letting go of the Avengers, of her desperate hope for a family, is cathartic and almost overwhelms her emotions. It’s a strange dullness that emanates through her when she works now, not the usual fun she’d have before, but Toni knows that it’s all going to be hard work from here. She has nightmares, still, but Thanos seems to have kept away for a bit and it only spurs her on, sparks her fears.

“Boss, Vision is here,” Friday announces softly.

It’s a stilted relationship she holds with her AI and the bots now, but Toni understands it. It hurts badly, but she hurt them and they’re still a little wary of her. Friday used to fill the air with easy conversation, U and DUM-e plastering pillows on the floor around her, but now Toni wakes in the echoing quiet, cold and guilty.

“Thank you, Fri,” Toni murmurs, fingers tapping on the counter where she can spot Vision with Hope and Dr Strange, her stomach flipping a little.

She swallows thickly before moving towards the kitchen where the tea is brewing. Tensing slightly, her anxieties threaten to brim over, but Toni holds herself taut. There’s nothing really left of the breakdown that she has to give, but she’s flush with embarrassment, hiding away in the Tower from everyone but Maria. She knows that there’s a lot she has to sort out, to clean up the mess she’d made, but Toni doesn’t want to face it just yet.

Just another day, she thinks to herself, a slight desperation lining the edge of her thoughts. One more day and Toni promises herself that she will fix _everything_. Maria said it was fine, anyway, especially after filming the press conference, so that makes her feel less guilty.

When the elevator gives a soft noise, she barely acknowledges it, her gaze fixed on the four cups of tea. Vision doesn’t drink tea, but she knows that he doesn’t like to feel left out, so four cups it is.

“Toni?” Vision calls gently. “Friday told us we could come straight up.”

Both Hope and Stephen are looking wary in a way that makes Toni want to bury herself away, want to run away back to her mother, but she forces herself to walk forwards, an easy smile blooming across her features. Vision is the only one who looks genuinely happy to see her, relief sinking in his smile as he looks towards her.

“Toni,” Hope begins.

“Welcome to the Tower!” Toni says, injecting a false bravado and cheer that she doesn’t feel into the statement. She spreads her arms open, even attempting a bright beam. “Doesn’t look like much, but once I finally get the building up and running properly, it’ll be awesome, trust me.”

Dr Strange eyes her quizzically. “Are you feeling better?” he asks, as Toni swallows thickly.

Before she can answer, the red cloak tugs from his shoulders as Stephen rolls his eyes, to her amusement, shifting in the air around them. It doesn’t touch her, but it moves closer towards her, cloth flapping softly. Toni’s smile is genuine, her lips curving upwards with sheer delight.

“Hey there,” she says, eyes bright. “You missed me, bud?” When Toni reaches out her fingers to caress the cloak, she shoots a blinding grin at Stephen, who is scowling. “You’re just adorable, aren’t you?”

From the corner, DUM-e whirs threateningly, his claw raised, but Toni can’t see anything that’s wrong. She turns back.

Stephen rolls his eyes, visibly annoyed towards the cloak. “You’re such a flake,” he says, and the cloak turns its corner away, as though harrumphing, insulted. “All day, he’s been messing with me.”

“And who’d blame him?” Toni says gleefully. “Besides, doc, it’s language like that that pushed him away. You two should learn to communicate better.”

“Wong says he’ll be coming soon, too,” Vision says happily. He turns to a bewildered Hope and tells her, “I like Wong.”

Hope nods, eyes only a little wide, and really, Toni admires her ability to just roll with things. Taking some mercy on the poor woman, she moves forward to ask, “Hey, Hope, did you—,”

“The book of fairytales?” Hope waves it, still looking slightly bemused. “It was one of the weirdest conversations I’ve had with my dad, that’s for sure.”

“Gimme,” Toni says eagerly.

As she explains Thanos to them, from the Battle of New York to the strange dreams she’s been having, without mentioning the soulmark, the cloak shifting protectively around her, Toni gives the tea to them, before swiping down a few screens where she can screengrab the pages off Hope’s book. She’s already rifling through it, interestedly, stopping on a page of what seems to be Thanos.

He’s a fearsome thing to behold, a great purple Titan pressed into the pages, his dark eyes piercing even from the paper. Toni swallows thickly, her soulmark starting to burn uncomfortably as she takes a breath to lift her head up. When she does, they’re all watching her carefully, as though they expect her to break down again. Toni’s stomach wrenches, but she keeps her shoulders stiff, as she reads intently of Thanos’ insatiable hunger.

_And with all the strength they had left within them, Kronos and Gaia chained Thanos’ hungry heart away. The Titan was locked away from the universe, bound by magic and the infinity stones, where he will remain for the rest of his eternal existence._

“So, you’re saying that Thanos is out?” Hope looks confused. “I don’t understand. How could that even be possible?”

Dr Strange looks even more confused, but Toni turns to him, her heart pounding in her chest. “What do you think, witch doctor? Who’s to say Thanos hasn’t been unchained? That he broke free?”

“It’s impossible,” Stephen says, shaking his head. “It says the gods and Titans bound him themselves. The last bits of their magic and they siphoned it all to save the universe from Thanos. I’m sorry, but are we really following a fairytale?”

Toni eyes his derision, but it’s further than she’s ever gotten with the Avengers, she thinks. At this rate, her standards are so low, Stephen could have walked out, and she’d have called it a job well done for the day.

“Let me tell you something, Doctor Strange. I’ve gone through over sixty thousand research articles and papers and the only mention of Thanos being chained away is in this book of Mar Vel fairytales,” she tells him, as the cloak shifts protectively around her, and the bots give a strange whir. “I realise how ludicrous it sounds. Hearing voices and seeing things. I know I’m asking you to believe the impossible. But Thanos is coming. He—he told me himself.”

“What did he say?” Hope asks, frowning at her.

“He told me to stop looking for the infinity stones,” Toni says, rubbing her forehead.

Vision tenses a little as Stephen’s gaze drops to the amulet he’s wearing around his neck. Toni’s eyes follow the movement, but she doesn’t deign to ask any questions, just yet. The doctor’s still very frustrated, she guesses. She wouldn’t blame him for it.

“Are you?” Stephen demands. “Are you looking for the stones?”

“What would I have, to do with them?” Toni mutters, rolling her eyes. “We have to find a way to stop Thanos from destroying the universe. And protect the stones from him. We’ve already got one, which means we know that Thanos is going to come for us, no matter what.”

“Two,” Stephen corrects, his voice softer than she’s ever heard him. “We have … two.”

As Toni turns her head, Stephen moves his fingers in a pattern, orange light imbued from the movements around his amulet. As it shifts apart, the glow of blinding green emanates, and Toni watches Vision move a little, looking disturbed. Her brow furrows before Toni realises.

“Which—which one is that one?” she manages to get out, her voice hoarse.

“The Eye of Agamotto,” Stephen says. “Or, the Time Stone.”

“Fuck, we’re all gonna die,” Toni mutters. “We have two of them.”

Hope is moving forwards to push a few pages on the book, her brows furrowed deeply. While Toni despairs, Hope doesn’t seem at all faltered, looking thoughtful. “Thanos still has his weaknesses,” she tells them. “And—and if we have the infinity stones, we could use them. Or make traps or decoys or something. We don’t have to just sit pretty and wait for him to take it.”

“I have some plans, but they’re crude,” Toni offers, waving another screen over to show them, but the idea of traps and decoys is intriguing, her brows furrowing. “From the tests and trials you ran on the Mind Stone, Vision, you’re connected to it. It not only makes for a great glow, but it powers you, too.”

Vision is looking towards Toni. “I trust you,” he says openly. “I trust that you’ll know what to do, Toni.”

“I’d say you should hide, but—that might not be the best idea, either,” Toni mutters. “If we separate the two of you, make it harder? No.”

As she mutters to herself, scribbling down a few notes, she hears Stephen in the back. “Does she do this often?”

“Only on good days,” Vision says brightly.

Toni lifts her head up to look at them both. “Are you guys ready, then?” she asks, tentative despite herself. “Do you want to become Avengers?”

Stephen is staring at her, but Hope opens her mouth first. “If you’ll have us,” she says, inclining her head.

“I have a duty first to the Sanctum,” Stephen tells her. “I cannot be an Avenger.”

“You could be a consultant, like me,” Toni says brightly. “I can have the UN look over your proposals pretty quickly. It shouldn’t go too bad, seeing as you’re both pretty esteemed individuals. Not the ex-convicts Rogers brought over.”

It’s a pretty bad joke, considering, but Vision laughs first, bold and bright, as Hope rolls her eyes. Stephen’s lips quirk just a little, though he vehemently denies it, and as they get to work, Toni starts to feel like something might finally be right.

.

.

In the Compound, everyone is restless.

Steve is fraying on the edges, ignoring the growling pits of hunger deep in his stomach as he tries to calm everyone down. They’re all consumed with concern over Toni, having realised that she’d taken Friday and the bots with her in the middle of the night. Steve has barely slept or eaten, trying to convince everyone that Toni would be fine, though even he didn’t believe his own lies. Now, however, they’re finally growing towards some semblance of peace, where they are sitting in the lounge, watching Toni at the press conference.

She hasn’t yet arrived, but the world is buzzing itself over with curiosity and concern, wanting to know if she’s okay. Steve is starting to wonder if Toni will even show up, his eyes fixed on Maria, who is standing tentatively beside the podium. He’s tense in his seat, trying to tamp down his own worries.

Seeing Toni break down like that had shifted something in him. Steve hadn’t known exactly how much pressure she’d been under until she’d broken apart from the strength of it all, until Maria had paced the hallways, reciting all of Toni’s duties and old haunts to impress upon them just how bad things had gotten.

“Look, Steve,” Sam says, frowning at him as Steve’s head snaps up. “You know I think of you as a brother, but this is—something’s _off_ , man. Why is Stark flipping out on us so much? Did something happen between you two? Did she finally make a move or something and you rejected her?”

Steve is reeling, his eyes growing wide. For a moment, he has no idea what Sam is talking about before he remembers what this century’s colloquialisms are like. It takes him that second more to catch up to what’s happening, all the time, and he’s getting sick of it, he thinks to himself before he realises just what Sam is accusing him of.

Why would Toni ever make a move?

Or rather, why would he ever reject her?

Swallowing thickly, Steve wonders if it is time. He needs to tell them all the truth. He should have done it a long time ago, he knows.

Before he can, Natasha speaks, her figure still and eerie in the way she doesn’t move a muscle. “Sam is right, Steve,” she says, and it just goes to show how Sam _doesn’t_ crow smugly that things are really bad now. “It’s not just us that Toni is mad at. We’re a part of it, but this goes way back. Something is wrong, and unless we have all the information, we can’t think to fix it.”

Then Bucky lifts his head. “Go on, Steve. Tell ‘em.”

Steve opens his mouth—

And then Toni’s voice rings out from the TV, loud and clear. “...appreciate and thank you for your concern and support. I suffered a severe breakdown a few days ago, which resulted in my being admitted into hospital. I would like to take this time to wholeheartedly apologise for any damages I have caused and will pay for them personally. Are there any questions?”

The atmosphere changes instantaneously, Clint leaning forward, his brows furrowed. Steve won’t deny that he’s a little relieved he doesn’t have to tell the truth for a little while longer, something thick and awful stuck in his throat. Every time he turns his head, a wave of dizziness hits him, but he stares at Toni, eyes raking over her carefully.

She doesn’t look so different, he thinks to himself, but that could be the make-up. Every time Toni has to go on TV, she’s always moaning about the make-up they slather on her and Steve has to agree. He hates it himself, having to look pretty for the cameras, and he’d always thought that though Toni complained about it, she was better at manoeuvring the cameras better than any of them. Steve’s gaze lingers on Toni breathlessly.

He hopes she’s okay.

“She’s lying,” Natasha says immediately. “She never checked into any hospital.”

“Maria found her, didn’t she?” Sam says, looking confused. He tries to reassure them, but the uncertainty lingers on the edge of his voice as he speaks. “She’d have pushed her into getting some help.”

“Toni doesn’t get _pushed_. She doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do,” Clint says, his voice hoarse. He’s staring at her on the screen, as Toni calmly answers questions. Steve wants to agree, but Clint continues, something in his voice. “I thought when we came back, that she’d forgiven us. That we’d forgiven each other. She doesn’t usually do this.”

“ _Usually_?” Sam turns his head sharply, just as Toni answers a question about Secretary Ross. “You guys betray each other often?”

Steve winces. “That’s not the best way to put it,” he says, awkward as he speaks, reaching a hand to rub his pounding head. “We have our disagreements. Toni was mad at us because we hadn’t contacted her after SHIELD fell. That’s the last time I remember her being this angry.”

“That’s because she spent several weeks salvaging the damages,” Bucky says gruffly. When they stare at him, he explains. “You idiots never talk to the Stark Industries employees that come our way? Some of ‘em are ex-SHIELD. Ms Hill is ex-SHIELD.”

“I’ve heard they wouldn’t go back to SHIELD if Nick Fury himself went down on his knees and begged,” Natasha mutters. She lifts her head, thinking. “She was upset because we’d left her behind. That’s all.”

“Didn’t you trust her?” Sam asks, frowning. “I don’t know her that well, but I thought you guys were better friends.”

“Of course we trust her,” Natasha says immediately. “Toni knows that. Besides, it was all put to rest when we came back to her. She said it was fine. Even offered to help us find Barnes, with the quinjet.”

Steve wishes Natasha wouldn’t say anything. The way she talks makes it sound as though Steve manipulated Toni into helping them and that’s not what happened. He’d only caught her up on the events, told her about trying to find Bucky, and Toni had immediately offered her help. It’s what Toni does.

But that’s not what Bucky focuses on.

“ _Jesus_ ,” Bucky swears hotly, pushing himself to his feet to glare at Steve. “Steve, you took her money and lived under her roof and you still didn’t tell her?” He kicks the chair angrily, ignoring the way the others shift immediately into defensive positions. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Sarah didn’t raise a freeloading coward, asshole. She’d be _ashamed_ of you.”

The guilt shifts in his stomach, but Steve’s head snaps up immediately at Bucky’s vitriol, already tensing. He’s eyeing them all carefully to make sure nobody moves, shifting a little to get into a better position to protect Bucky.

“Easy, everyone. Stand down. Bucky’s not going to hurt anyone—,”

“Don’t speak for me—I’m about ready to smack some sense into you, boy,” Bucky snarls, just as Steve wants to despair. “What the hell, Steve? This ain’t the kid I knew back in Brooklyn—,”

And then, Steve just _snaps_.

Something horrible is pushing itself out of his chest, in the same way it had when he’d confessed to Toni his difficulties in trying to make it in this new world. The world had moved on without him and Steve didn’t really know where his place was, anymore.

“The kid you knew in Brooklyn died in the fucking ice, Bucky,” Steve snaps at his best friend before he falters. His shoulders slump as he puts his head in his hands, his voice coming out muffled when he speaks. “This world—it’s just—I can’t understand it. I’m trying to do things right, but everyone just seems to—,”

“Steve, you need to breathe,” Natasha is saying gently.

“No, no, I want to hear it,” Clint demands, on his feet. “Because when I answered your call, Steve, I did it, thinking I was doing the right thing. Forging a better life for my kids. Being an Avenger. Helping my _friend_. If you’re telling me now that I put my kids, my family’s lives in danger for no fucking reason, then you best wrap up, Cap, because I’m going to put you back in that fucking ice—,”

“That’s enough!” Natasha snaps angrily towards them all. “Stand down, all of you! This isn’t going to help anyone!”

Steve breathes hard, lifting a hand to rub his neck. His soulmark’s starting to act up again, but he forces himself to get to his feet. Another wave of dizziness hits him and Steve puts out a hand to steady himself, his words falling out of his mouth before he can stop them.

“This is my fault. This is because I couldn’t—couldn’t stop—couldn’t forget Brooklyn.”

“Steve? What are you talking about?”

He doesn’t know who is speaking, the world growing blurry around him.

“I hate this place, hate being here,” Steve is mumbling, shaking his head. “Wanna go home.”

Just as Toni Stark gives a tight smile on TV and answers, “I’ll be taking a few personal days off my heavy schedule. I’m just going to stay home for a bit,” Steve Rogers collapses.

.

.

“So, you got a soulmate, doc?” Toni asks Stephen just as Hope’s left and Stephen’s preparing to go, too.

Stephen falters a little, but Toni pretends not to notice, preoccupying herself with the cloak. Behind her, the bots give a little whine and the blue light splaying across the counter intensifies, but Toni has no idea what’s eating up her bots or her AI unless they tell her, which apparently won’t be any time soon. She makes a mental note to check over their coding quickly. The cloak flits around the gauntlets briefly, reaching out a flap to touch her cheek, and Toni’s breath hitches a little.

“Yes,” Stephen says, his voice clipped. “I have a soulmate.”

“I don’t see it,” Toni continues, knowing she’s prodding but she can’t help herself.

Stephen looks vaguely annoyed before he gestures towards his chest. “It’s on my chest,” he says. “Before you ask, I’m not showing you.”

“Easy, doc. I’m not asking for a show. So… it’s not—you can’t use magic to take it off?” She hates how vulnerable she sounds and the way Stephen’s initial frustration fades away in the face of it.

The wizard pauses where he is, looking carefully at Toni. He doesn’t look at the gauntlets, but Toni can feel how much Stephen wants to.

“No,” he says eventually, as the cloak rises in the air around them, settling amidst Toni’s fingers affectionately. “No, soulmarks are the stuff of deep magic. Even the others at the Sanctum know not to mess with something like that.”

Toni swallows thickly. “And nobody’s ever tried it? To get rid of soulmarks?” she asks.

“People have _tried_ ,” Stephen says, “but I haven’t heard of anyone ever succeeding. Most people have their own stories of soulmarks. Some say they come from burned stars, or God, or—or aliens. Whatever it is, it’s here to stay.” When Toni doesn’t speak, Stephen does. “Look, I don’t know what your situation is with your soulmate, but I met mine. I was—married to mine. I messed it up, so we’re not together anymore. Sometimes, things just don’t work out and that’s fine.”

Toni nods towards him. “Thanks, doc,” she murmurs, tracing her fingers against her gauntlet. As she sees him out to the elevator, she adds, “I’ll send you all the details for the position of consultant soon.”

“Thank you, Dr Stark,” Stephen says. To the cloak, he says, “Get over here, you menace.”

“Toni,” she tells him, a small smile at her lips, and just as the elevator doors close, the cloak flits from her arms to settle around Stephen’s shoulders again.

She’s barely taken two steps when Friday speaks again, her voice quiet. “Rumlow is requesting entrance, boss.”

Toni stills briefly, her fingers pressed to the book of fairytales before she swallows thickly. “Let him up.”

The elevator doors open slightly and there’s a small silence that lingers between them when Rumlow steps in.

“I made you an omelette,” he says, brandishing the plate apologetically. The omelette doesn’t look half bad, Toni thinks to herself, her stomach rumbling hungrily. “Maria tried to help, but I told her that anything she made wouldn’t be edible, so she backed off.”

Toni’s lips quirk. “You came here just to give me an omelette?”

“I also came to apologise,” Rumlow says. He doesn’t move closer, which she’s grateful for, keeping his distance to give her space. “I’m sorry for what I did. I knew what reactions I’d be getting when I showed my face for the first time and that’s half of the reason why I did it. I blamed Friday, when I was to blame as well. I did it, because well, every time you come out of those meetings, you look worse, Toni.” His voice is ragged and soft. “I knew if I showed myself, they’d get angry enough to leave and that’s kind of what I was hoping for. I didn’t really expect another world war, to be honest.”

She doesn’t really know what to think about that.

Toni stares at him, startled. The thought that Brock Rumlow, of all people, would have teamed up with Friday to intentionally put himself in harm’s way because he figured out what she hadn’t realised in months, just so she could be a little happy makes her mind whirl. It’s strange to think that Rumlow could care so much, she thinks to herself, her brows furrowed.

And for the likes of her?

People don’t risk their lives for Toni Stark. They care only for Iron Woman or what she can give them. But Rumlow’s looking sincere and she’s heard an apology like his before. Maria, who had earnestly told her that she didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, that her triggers shouldn’t be brushed under the carpet. Rhodey, who’d apologised over and over again for stealing the suit during her birthday.

It’s an apology that doesn’t make her feel guilty or bad about anything, validates her feelings, and makes her feel like Rumlow genuinely does care.

“You still thought you knew better than I did,” Toni says, but there’s less bite in her bark now.

“I know, but in my defence, you did have about ten meetings with them all and you were still at stage one,” Rumlow says.

“Like talking to a brick wall,” Toni mutters, as Rumlow snickers. “You should have told me about this, instead of springing yourself on them, Jack-in-the-box.”

Rumlow’s looking at her, nodding. “I know, and I’m sorry for that,” he tells her, sincerely. Is this what compromise tastes like? Rogers should take notes, Toni thinks. “I shouldn’t have done that. It was stupid and thoughtless, and I’d gladly accept whatever consequences you see fit. I understand if you don’t trust me and if you want me to leave, because I’m willing to do that—,”

“Jesus, Rumlow, did Hydra take your backbone, as well as your pension?” Toni says, as Rumlow barks with laughter. “Don’t be ridiculous. Apology accepted, and it’s all in the dust now,” she tells him easily, her heart lightening a little, a small smile on her lips. “Get over here. I want some of that omelette.”

As Rumlow plates up the omelette, Toni’s stomach growling, her gauntlet clicks against the counter. Rumlow’s gaze lingers on it before his eyes fixate on Toni.

“Maria knows, doesn’t she?”

Toni drops her fork. “What?”

“Saw her face when she came back,” Rumlow tells her. “Plus, she was seen pacing the hallways of the third corridor in Stark Industries, with a hammer from R and D, threatening to cave Rogers’ head in.”

“ _What?”_

“Fine, I made that last bit up,” Rumlow admits, as Toni laughs. “But I did hear some very inventive threats towards Rogers’ downstairs parts. Remind me never to incur that woman’s wrath.”

A soft, strange affection towards Maria builds up in Toni’s chest, before she stares at Rumlow. “You know my soulmate?” she demands, her shoulders tense. “How? Does Hydra know?”

“No, don’t worry. I already checked with my contacts,” Rumlow tells her. He shrugs towards her. “I already knew, anyway.”

“How?” Toni asks, her eyes wide.

“It was pretty obvious, even before Siberia,” Rumlow says. “The way you used to moon after him, that thing on his neck. It looks like the arc reactor in the right light. When Siberia came along, and you started calling him Rogers, I made some guesses.” He looks a little smug. “I am quite smart, you know.”

“You don’t look it,” Toni rebuffs, and as Rumlow opens his mouth, a wicked grin forming across his face, to quip back, Friday speaks.

“Boss, Ms Hill is requesting entrance.”

“Send her up, Fri. She’s got a code, remember?”

“Yes, boss.”

Just as the elevator doors part, Maria bursts inside, her eyes wide. Toni is startled, already raising her fists, preparing to wrap the gauntlet into the Iron Woman armour around her. Beside her, Rumlow has tensed, his shoulders stiff with defence, and though they know that Maria won’t hurt them, Toni’s wondering what on earth has the woman so shocked.

Thanos, she thinks blindingly, her throat already thick. It’s too soon—

“Toni,” Maria gasps out, her voice tugging with hope. “Toni, it’s—it’s Rhodey.”

Her heart drops, but Toni _runs_.

.

.

She barrels past the nurses and the doctors in a blinding haze, her heart beating so loud she thinks, in the back of her mind, vaguely that it might beat right out of her chest. Toni is blinking back tears, her breaths fraught as she pounds down the halls, ignoring the startled people around her, Maria and Rumlow right at her heels. They’re taking care of everything, the papers and the formalities, so for once, Toni can focus completely on Rhodey.

Dr Malhotra is giving her a wide smile when Toni skids to a stop. “Ms Stark, I’m glad to see you again—,”

“How’s Rhodey?” Toni demands, her throat thick, her eyes blurring. “How—how is he?”

“He’s doing well, Ms Stark,” Dr Malhotra tells her, and it’s like salvation. “He’s responded excellently, and he woke up just a few hours ago—,”

“Thank you,” Toni breathes hotly, reaching forward to clasp the doctor’s fingers. “Thank you. _Thank you_.”

Dr Malhotra has tears down her cheeks and she leans forward to smile into Toni’s face. “You’re welcome, Ms Stark. I hope never to see you in these halls again,” she says and she laughs when Toni does.

She’s tentative when she pushes open the doors, but all hesitation fades away when she sees Rhodey again. Rhodey is talking to a doctor, pointing at a few signatures on a chart—her signatures, Toni registers faintly, as she just stares at him. He’s there, she thinks, blood rushing in her ears. Her best friend is _right there_ , and he’s blinking and he’s speaking and he’s _alive._

And for the first time since Siberia, since the Mandarin, since Afghanistan, Toni starts to think that maybe, just maybe everything might end up okay. Oh, yes, everything’s terrible and falling to pieces, including herself, but Rhodey is okay and that makes Toni think that she’ll be okay, too.

Rhodey grins at her. “Hi, Toni Stank.”

Toni opens her mouth for a witty retort—and promptly bursts into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and have a great day :D


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for such amazing comments last chapter! I'm so glad that you liked it - I loved all of your reactions to Rhodey waking up and I'm so happy that I could make you cry tears of happiness, rather than sadness this time, lol.
> 
> Thank you again for taking your time to read my story and I hope that you enjoy this chapter :D

Toni moves, and she’s pressed to Rhodey’s side, his arms around her for the first time in a long time, secure and tight.

Rhodey is breathless, as Toni willingly sinks her head into his chest, sobbing against him. It’s startling to see her so open like this, and wariness creeps in, clinging to his chest as Rhodey embraces her back tightly. He knows that he’s been out for a few months, but he’d never though it had been this bad. He’s never seen Toni cry, not since her parents’ funeral.

“Shit, I’m being fucking ridiculous,” Toni mumbles as she pulls back. “Who’s the one stuck in a coma for the past few months?” Her eyes are a little unfocused as her breaths hitch, but she looks over him carefully, something desperate in her eyes. “Are you alright?”

“As great as you can be, after waking up from a coma,” Rhodey says and he watches as a grin spreads across Toni’s face. “What about you? I feel kind of honoured, actually. Didn’t think I’d be welcomed back like this.”

“I’ll throw you a party, platypus,” Toni promises, grinning across her face.

“What’d I miss, then?”

“It’s the year 3056,” Toni says without blinking. “We overthrew the government and now everyone worships kale.”

Rhodey guffaws. “Good to know some things haven’t changed,” he says, but his eyes fixate on the way Toni’s smile slightly slips before she hitches it back up. “The new season of Game of Thrones came out, didn’t it?”

Toni’s grin turns wicked. “I watched it.”

“I’m going to actually disown you—,”

“Jon Snow—,”

“I can’t fucking hear you, you traitor—,”

Toni is laughing at him, her eyes bright, and it’s a better change from the noisy sobs he’d seen before. As she talks, Rhodey keeps an eye on her carefully, knowing that she’s doing the same to him. She scrutinises his movements to make sure that he isn’t in any pain, looks over the charts endlessly, and continues to ask after his health. Rhodey’s used to this, but he’s a little more discreet with his assessments, knowing that Toni usually does a better job of hiding her emotions.

She’s slipping, he realises, and has to wonder what has been happening the past few months. The way her laughter tapers off quickly before it turns hysterical, the way she keeps squeezing his fingers, and of course, the gapingly obvious clue of all.

The arc reactor’s back in her chest.

All Rhodey can remember is closing his eyes in the Iron Patriot armour, preparing himself to die, Toni’s screams in his ear. He watches Toni craft some spiel about Game of Thrones and wax about other news to catch him up. Rhodey shifts a little, trying to prop himself up against the pillow. It’s difficult, his movements stiff and awkward after having stayed in one position for so long, but with Toni’s help, Rhodey manages it, before he surrenders to his own curiosity.

“You gotta be careful, Rhodey—,” she’s telling him when he interrupts her.

“Why’s it back, Toni?” Rhodey lifts his head to meet her gaze steadily, refusing to let her look away. His voice is serious, if a little hoarse and rusty with disuse. “Why did you put the arc reactor back in?”

Toni swallows visibly. “It looks pretty,” she tells him brightly. “Setting new trends, Rhodes. I’m going to take the fashion world by storm again.”

She is such a shit liar, but Rhodey feels like being generous today. He lets her change the subject, wary of the slight nervousness in her eyes and the way her features shift a little in distress. It takes a lot of time for him to catch up on the world and Toni’s new friends. There’s something she’s not telling him but Rhodey knows she’ll eventually crack. It’s what Toni does.

“Maria’s fantastic, I promise you,” Toni is telling him as the woman in question slips inside the room to give them both an inclining nod. “I gave her a Jaguar, but she didn’t want it, so she’s weird.”

Well, Rhodey thinks, that’s something new. Someone _not_ accepting a gift from Toni Stark? He narrows his eyes towards Maria Hill carefully, wondering briefly if she’s playing the long game but Maria is smiling genially towards Toni. There’s a trusting way Toni talks to her, with less of her usual bullshit like she knows it won’t work with Maria, and it fascinates Rhodey. Looks like there’s a lot he needs to catch up with, he thinks to himself.

“Where’s—where’s uh, Pepper?” Rhodey asks, looking around. “I don’t see her, Toni.”

Toni’s face shifts immediately and Rhodey’s hackles rise in defence. Something’s happened, he realises, eyeing the way Maria’s face closes down as well. Something _bad._ But what could Pepper do? Where even is she? Rhodey had expected the woman to come marching in to drag Toni out by the ear, talking their ears off with how much work Stark Industries had piled onto her poor shoulders.

“Pepper—uh, had to take a bit of a sabbatical.”

“Is she dead?”

“What?” Toni’s face pulls down. “No! Why would you say that?”

“A sabbatical, Toni?” Rhodey repeats, rolling his eyes. “Come on. I came out of a coma but give me _some_ credit.”

Toni nervously meets his gaze. “She left,” she tells him, shrugging, as Rhodey’s jaw drops in shock. “Quit a couple of months ago. Took Happy with her, too.”

_Quit_? And Happy, too? Rhodey swings his head towards Maria in confusion, but the woman is eyeing Toni carefully, before her gaze falls to the metal gauntlets wrapped around Toni’s wrists. That’s another new thing, he realises quietly to himself, wondering what on earth it contains.

What happened to Howard’s shitty bandage?

“I don’t—then who else was here?” Rhodey asks, staring at Toni.

There’s something horrible writhing in his stomach as he remembers those many nights, they’d worked over the Accords together, the sheer pressure that had been cracking over Toni throughout the days. It wasn’t at all helped by Steve, who’d seemed to make it his personal mission to send Toni’s blood pressure through the roof. He eyes the healing bruises across her face, which she’d explained away as some Avengers work, and the dark circles under her dark circles, the gaunt cheeks, the shaking fingers.

Was Toni left all _alone?_

While he was in his coma, did Toni have to face the world all by herself?

Rhodey is tensing tightly, as Toni answers, giving another easy grin and shrug, clearly for his benefit, though he’s always been able to see straight through Toni. When she speaks, her voice is careful.

“Uh, we had Maria,” she tells him brightly. “And—oh my God, Rumlow. Remind me to catch you up with him. Christine’s cool these days, too.”

Maria clears her throat gently. “Toni?”

“Yeah?” As expected, Toni shifts immediately, her shoulders straightening in that way she often moves when she wants to both impress and keep the person she’s with. Rhodey knows what it means, his gut tugging uncomfortably. Toni likes Maria and wants to keep her around. The Jaguar alone tipped him off, but he had to have it confirmed.

“There are a couple of forms you have to sign out here,” Maria tells her easily, and there’s such a difference with the way Maria speaks, in contrast to Pepper’s strict tendencies, Rhodey thinks.

They used to make jokes about how Pepper would be driven so crazy she’d end up pushing the heel of her favourite Louboutin through Toni’s throat, but Maria isn’t like that at all. She’s nothing but professional as she talks to Toni, though there’s a warmth and kindness in there that Rhodey doesn’t remember used to be there. How much has he missed? And how much will Toni be willing to tell him?

As Toni leaves, albeit reluctantly, her gaze lingering on him tightly as though she thinks he’ll fall straight back into the coma, Rhodey smiles at her until she leaves. The door swings shut carefully and Rhodey turns his face towards Maria, eyeing her carefully. He clears his throat.

“Ms Hill?” Rhodey says, his voice quiet. He sees Maria’s face still a little before she straightens to face him, giving him a polite smile. “How bad has it been?”

Her cool demeanour falters and her face creases. The look Maria Hill gives him says more than she could ever put into words.

.

.

She hates going back to the Compound, her face flushed, but it’s necessary.

Toni is tense all the way inside the Compound, her knuckles rapping the door gently, her heart in her mouth. She wants nothing more than to go back to the hospital, to hover over Rhodey until he tells her to stop, to lie about watching Game of Thrones without him, just to see his face do something other than lie deathly still. She hadn’t realised just how much she’d missed Rhodey’s smile.

Lila opens the door, her eyes widening. “Toni!”

When the Barton girl lunges for Toni excitedly, she isn’t expecting it, almost falling back in shock. It’s instinct to protect her arc reactor, so Toni finds her hands snapping up, the Iron Woman armour brimming protectively at the edge of her gauntlets, before she forces herself to breathe. Toni reaches to steady Lila quickly, her breaths fraught and ragged.

“Lila, no!” Laura’s calling, in a slight panic. She hurries forward, pushing her hair back, before she’s tugging her daughter back. “I’m so sorry, Toni. Clint and I did talk to her about startling members of the Avengers—,”

“Mom, it’s just Toni!” Lila complains, tossing her curls.

“Yeah,” Toni manages to get out. “It’s just me. Laura, could I talk to the kids for a bit, please?”

Laura eyes her, something strange and desperate in her gaze. “Yeah,” she says finally. “Sure.”

“Thank you,” Toni says quietly, and she lets Lila tug her into their lounge, pushing her down into one of their small chairs. “Hi, Lila. Cooper. Where’s Nate?”

“He’s sleeping,” Cooper announces, before narrowing his eyes on Toni. “Mom says that you were really upset a couple of days ago and that’s why we’re not going to see you here anymore. Is that true?”

So, they’re starting right in the middle, okay, Toni thinks. How could she forget the startling blunt charm these kids had? She can do this. Toni takes a breath.

“Yeah,” she says truthfully, because these kids can _smell_ bullshit. “I had a bit of a breakdown. I must’ve scared you, right?”

“I wasn’t scared,” Lila says, but she reaches for Toni’s hand, clutches it tightly. “I know that my dad hurt you. And that’s why you’re really upset. You were louder than Nate when he wakes up in the night.”

“It wasn’t your dad, Lila,” Toni says thickly, lying easily through her teeth. She tries not to wilt under the unimpressed look Lila sends her and continues quickly. “You see, I’m not really too good at looking after myself and my friend’s been really sick. He’s been in the hospital.”

Cooper’s eyes are wide. “Is he going to be okay?”

Relief sweeps across her chest, real and genuine. The kids aren’t stupid. They react to her relief with their own as Toni smiles properly. “He’s going to be just fine.”

“What about you?” Lila demands and as the kid pushes herself into Toni’s space, Toni forces herself to breathe. It’s just Lila, she reminds herself. “Aunt Nat and everyone are worried about you. They say they’re not, but we’re not idiots. Are you okay?”

“Jesus, what do they feed you kids?” Toni says playfully. Hardly able to believe herself, she reaches to tickle Lila’s stomach, grateful for the helpless laughter that bubbles out of the girl’s mouth. “I’m going to be fine, too. I went to the doctors,” _liar,_ “and they told me I was in perfect health,” _liar,_ “and that I had to make sure Lila and Cooper Barton were eating all their vegetables.”

Lila’s eyes are wide. “You’re lying. Your doctors don’t know us!”

“Yes, they do,” Toni tells them, rather enjoying herself. “And they want you to eat all your vegetables.”

Cooper’s screwing up his nose. “I thought that was Santa. Mom says we won’t get anything if we don’t eat all our vegetables.”

Shit, Christmas, Toni thinks, before making a mental note to start buying up presents.

“She’s right,” she says, barely missing a beat. “So, I know your Mom and Dad have probably talked to you about this, but you guys are going to be leaving the Compound soon. You excited to go back home?”

Cooper nods, but Lila scowls. “I don’t want to leave you,” she says. “Mom’s always angry and I don’t like Dad.”

“Your Mom’s just worried about you, that’s all,” Toni says. She knows that Laura’s run ragged and at the end of her tether with every threat Ross made towards them, but now that Ross has been arrested, they’re safe. “And what’s this about your Dad?”

“Lila’s being mean to Dad,” Cooper tells her. “She won’t talk to him.”

Lila turns her nose up. “I don’t _want_ to talk to him.”

“Why not? Does he have bad breath?”

She succeeds in making the children laugh a little, but Toni’s still a little worried. It’s not her place, she knows, to discuss the kids’ rocky relationship with their father, but she’s concerned for Lila. Apparently, the little girl hasn’t spoken to her father since they finally met each other, to Barton’s distress. Cooper had finally let Barton in, only recently, but Lila’s been more stubborn. She’d been her father’s darling but leaving them for Rogers seems to have done a number on her.

“He left us,” Lila says, leaning in to whisper to Toni, her voice fraught. “That’s what I heard Mom say once. He told us that he was going out and he’d be back soon, but he _lied._ ”

“And then he got arrested,” Cooper says, as Lila scowls at her brother.

“Cooper! We’re not supposed to know that!”

“What?” Cooper grumbles. “It’s just Toni.”

Toni’s heart is in her mouth as she swallows tightly. She’s reminded starkly of her own terrible relationship with her father, something in her chest aching. Barton’s an asshole, but he loves his kids dearly, she knows. What she’d have given to have her father tell her he loved her like Barton tells his children. It’s why she knows that Lila may be stubborn, but it won’t last forever.

The little girl is angry at her father, but Barton’s good with his kids and she’ll forgive him soon. Unlike Howard, Barton will actually uphold his promises this time, Toni thinks.

“Your dad’s made a lot of mistakes, you’re right,” Toni tells them carefully. “But he loves you all, okay? No matter what happens, your dad does love you.”

.

.

"Toni. You’re okay."

Natasha watches Toni flinch slightly, clenching her stomach protectively. The Iron Woman armour brims heavily around her gauntlets, a sharp and stark promise of a threat. She lifts her head to eye Natasha who gives a tentative smile. She hadn’t meant to catch Toni out as she’d been leaving the Compound, but Natasha had been desperate.

Steve’s still in bed, with the other Avengers around him. He’s going to be fine, she knows. Just fainted out of exhaustion and lack of food. Natasha and the others had swarmed protectively around him, practically forcing him to eat until they’d heard the soft doors of the Compound opening and realised Toni was finally here again. Natasha had set them all to stay, knowing that Toni wouldn’t want to see any of them. She hadn’t been able to resist for herself, though, slipping out of Steve’s room quietly.

“Yeah,” Toni says, ducking her head. She’s flushed heavily, cheeks red with embarrassment. “Yeah, ‘m fine, Romanoff.” Her gaze lingers on her face for a bit before she adds, “I’m sorry about your nose.”

“It’s alright,” Natasha says quietly. “You were in the middle of a panic attack. And I have had worse.”

“I’m still sorry,” Toni offers, and Natasha inclines her head, as she prepares to leave. “If you don’t mind—,”

“I’d like to apologise, Toni,” Natasha says, her throat thick and that’s what gets Toni’s attention, her head snapping up in alarm. “I’ve—I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I did to you and what we’ve done. It’s gone deeper than I initially thought. You were right.”

“Come again?” Toni blinks.

“I let my ego get the better of me,” Natasha confesses, her voice soft. Seeing the way Toni’s eyes go wide almost comically is a little disheartening, but she continues. “My stint in the Red Room and SHIELD meant that I was confident of my capabilities and less likely to doubt myself. It’s taken me a long time to realise that I was wrong, in a lot of things, especially with you, and I’m sorry for that, Toni.”

“Romanoff—,”

“Please,” Natasha says. “I’d like to say my bit, and I don’t want to force you to listen or anything, but—,”

“Yeah,” Toni says, eyeing her uncertainly. Blue light floods her arc reactor, the reminder of Friday’s protectiveness steadying Natasha. “Go on, then.”

“What I most regret is the loss of our friendship. I know that what I did to you is unforgivable, so I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” Natasha tells her. “I just want to tell you that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’m sorry for doubting you and manipulating you. I’m sorry for injecting you without your consent, for infiltrating your company. I’m sorry for not trusting you and not protecting you. I’m sorry that when the single time came for you to ask me for help, in return for all the help you gave us, I turned my back on you.”

Toni is looking stunned, her eyes wide, and really, that hurts Natasha a lot more than anything. Had she been such a terrible person to Toni that even an apology was to be regarded with suspicion and awe?

“Thank you,” Toni says, still stunned, as Natasha inclines her head. “Thank you for saying that. Are you sure you don’t want anything from me?”

It’s like a punch to the gut, but Natasha shakes her head. “No,” she says. “No. I don’t want anything, Toni.” She pauses. “I did see that you—Ross is gone.”

A slight smug smirk perches on the edge of her lips as Toni inclines her head. “Yeah, well. I told you I would find a way to manage him.”

“And you always uphold your promises,” Natasha murmurs. “On behalf of the rest of us, thank you, Toni.”

"I didn't do it to be thanked. I did it because he broke the law, plus he's an asshole who threw you all in the Raft." Toni’s fingers are shaking. “You saw him threaten me. Over and over again. You never said a word. Never bothered to even try to defend me.” Natasha’s mouth is dry, but Toni is continuing. “I won’t forgive you for what you did, Natasha, but thank you.” She eyes her carefully. “There’s a fight coming, whether you believe me or not. I just want you to know that.”

When Toni leaves, Natasha tenses at the shadow crawling in the corner.

“That was worthy of an Oscar,” comes Barnes’ gruff voice, the Russian accent lining the edge of his voice in a way that he never allows in the company of Steve and the others.

Natasha’s fingers clench into a fist automatically, images of blood and snow crashing through her head. Rubber straps pressing her down onto the table, screaming until her voice broke, Ivan’s reassuring voice in her ears. _Who do you serve, Natalia?_ The Motherland, she’d always said, just the same as him.

“Stand down, Soldat,” Natasha says as she turns. “It’s only me.”

She already knows every single exit route and corner in this hallway, has marked a careful inventory of the weapons at her disposal, but this new bout of self-doubt and criticism has made her realise the one thing Ivan had always tried to make her understand. Natasha Romanoff cannot win in a fight against the Soldier. Though it smarts and bruises her ego, Natasha knows her limits now.

Barnes barely flinches. Unlike her, he’s insultingly casual, his shoulders even slumping to a relaxed curve as he watches her carefully. He barely has to exert any effort to have her on the floor screaming, and she knows, because he’s done it before.

“I know,” he says quietly, his eyes like the eyes of a hawk. “You are still too emotional, Natalia. It hangs off you.”

He’s one to talk, Natasha thinks and says so, watching the way his lips quirk in amusement. “I go by a different name now.”

“I do not care.”

“You wouldn’t,” she says, a childish bitterness curling at the edge of her mouth.

She wants to hit him deep where it hurts, remind him of how much Hydra took from him, in return for him stripping her open like this. Natasha watches his mouth tauten a little, to her vicious pleasure.

“You do,” he returns savagely.

Natasha lifts her head, unable to stop herself growing so defensive. “You will not make me feel ashamed for it,” she tells him, her voice sharp. She has fought tooth and claw to be able to _feel_ again, to learn what she is without the Red Room and now SHIELD, and she will not be made to feel small for it. “I am still here, while Ivan rots.”

Barnes makes a noise of agreement. “Here we remain,” he mutters. “They’re in the ground and we’re still here.” He looks at her carefully, before he relaxes once more, frowning a little. “Which one was Ivan?”

“With the moustache,” Natasha tells him, watching. When he still looks blank, she rolls her eyes. “Squirrelly-looking man. Thin and tall.”

“The sticky out ears?”

Her lips quirk. “That’s the one.”

Barnes is smirking a little to himself, recognition finally lighting his eyes. “I hated him,” he tells her, leaning against the wall, conversationally. “Once tried to tear out his jaw for asking me that damned question over and over. _Who do you serve, Soldat?_ I told him, ‘not you, fucker’ and tried to kill him.”

Natasha snickers with a spiteful type of pleasure at that, as Barnes’ eyes light with amusement. The air between them shifts a little, turning from the usual careful hostility to something different. Whatever it is, Natasha knows enough that she could relax, but she does not.

“That was you? He told me it was a training session gone wrong. _My_ training session. Guilt tripped me for weeks,” Natasha tells him. When Barnes turns his head, Natasha explains. “They put me under the same serum they put you on. It slows my ageing, but also helps me become more susceptible to when they wiped my mind. They made me forget all the other girls, Yelena, almost everything but Ivan.”

For once, Barnes looks fascinated, his face alive. He eyes her cautiously and when he speaks, he speaks with a measure of care she’s never seen him use for anything else.

“How did you remember?”

_Slowly. Painfully._ Natasha shrugs.

“Same as you,” she says instead. “When they died.”

.

.

He’s been talking to Friday before Toni arrives, their conversation quiet as Rhodey realises that Friday’s been improving in leaps and bounds. He’s rather proud of Friday and Toni both, grateful that they had each other.

“I missed you, Rhodey,” Friday tells him quietly and Rhodey aims a fond smile towards her.

“Toni take good care of you while I was gone, Fri? She didn’t really watch season seven, did she?”

“I cannot say,” Friday teases.

It’s when Toni enters his hospital room, as Rhodey is gingerly lowering himself in the wheelchair when it happens.

He hates the wheelchair with a resounding passion and Toni knows it, so when she presents him with the leg braces, Rhodey feels tears brimming in his eyes. He’s struck speechless even as she fusses around him with the nurses and the doctors, trying to make sure that he’s not in any pain and is as comfortable as he can be.

“Rhodey?” Toni is murmuring towards him. “Are you alright?”

“Bit—code blue,” he manages to get out.

To his relief, Toni gets the message quickly, realisation flooding across her features at the age-old coded message system they used to use back in the day. It had been borne of his need to make sure that Toni was okay whenever Howard came back, especially when she’d once confessed drunkenly that he’d thrown a screwdriver at her when she was little. She’d even had the audacity to show off the mark to him, his horror climbing. Rhodey had been reassured by her mother, who had a particular dark flash in her eyes at the reminder, that Howard never did anything of the sort ever again.

As she manages to bustle away the rest of the nurses and doctors, Rhodey sinks back into the chair, his joints stiff and uncomfortable. It’s been some time since he woke and though he’s doing well, according to his therapist, Rhodey is still a little impatient to get moving. He doesn’t like using the bed, because of how vulnerable it makes him, though he understands the necessity. He has a stubborn streak like Toni, though, refusing to sit in the wheelchair either and opting for the comfortable sofa instead.

“Platypus?” Toni’s saying as she turns around to him. “Everything okay? The braces aren’t too tight, are—,”

When her voice cuts off, Rhodey’s head snaps up, his mouth opening. To his horror, Toni’s on her knees, clutching at her gauntlets desperately, as she gasps hotly. Rhodey’s calling her name, trying his best to lift himself from his chair to get to her or to at least reach for the damned button that will call for help. But he’s too far and his panic climbs.

“Toni? Toni—,”

“Rhodey,” Toni’s gasping hotly, and to his horror, blood is pouring between her fingers. “It hurts, Fri—it hurts—I can’t—what’s wrong with me?”

“Friday, call for help,” Rhodey says immediately, realising that Friday’s in the arc reactor. “What’s happening, Fri?”

Friday sounds like she’s crying, desperation leaking through the soft nuances of her usually robotic voice, and when had _that_ happened? “Do not be alarmed, Rhodey,” she tells him, as Rhodey gapes. Don’t be _alarmed?_ “Toni has gone through this before—she just needs to breathe properly and—,”

“I can’t—I can’t see—I can’t _see_!” Toni is gasping hotly, clutching her arm tight as she pulls at the gauntlet, fingers scrabbling at the metal.

Rhodey almost stumbles to the ground as he moves. “Friday, I don’t care what protocols Toni programmed you with—override them all, uh, shit, what’s my fucking code—,”

And then, Friday’s voice is turning softer in Toni’s ears and he can hear her speaking. “Easy, Toni. You’re in Rhodey’s hospital room, you’re just fine and safe. Repeat after me. Hydrogen, lithium, sodium—,”

To his shock, Toni is breathing the words, “Potassium, rubidium, caesium, francium.” Slowly, she blinks at him, squinting a little before her face grows a little more focused, gaze turning down. “Rhodey? Are you okay?”

Rhodey can barely breathe. “You’re not seriously asking me if I’m okay when I just saw you have a blinding panic attack?” he says, eyes wide. “ _Toni_!”

Toni’s eyes are blown wide. “I—I know I messed up bad,” she says, voice fraught with desperation. “I know, but I won’t do it again, I can—I can fix it, I can. I swear it, Rhodey—just please, please don’t go, don’t—,” Her breaths hitch as Rhodey barely manages to catch his bearings, as she scrambles towards him to help him. “Please don’t leave me too, please, please—,”

“Jesus, Toni, I’m not going to leave you,” Rhodey breathes, and the uncertain relief that sinks over Toni’s features is startling. “No, just. I’m—I’m tired, can we just sit here for a bit?”

“Of course,” Toni says, but he’s quick to see the relief in her eyes too, knowing that not only was he too weak to get up, but so was she.

“What happened, Toni?” Rhodey demands. “I’m down, what? A couple of months and the world’s already turned to shit? What’s going on, Toni?”

“Howard was right—,” Toni is muttering and a cold shard slides through him.

Shit, he thinks. He thought Toni had understood how much of a shit Howard Stark was. Rhodey’s heart hammers in his chest.

“When has Howard ever been right about you, Toni?” Rhodey says sharply, just barely catching the venom in his voice.

There’s a lot he’d like to say about Howard, but he walks a mighty fine line with Toni on the subject of Howard Stark. Most of the time, Toni seems alright about it, but he wonders what brought this on. Maybe the date? December 16th was always one of the worst times, Rhodey knows and he hates that he wasn’t there for her, even though she usually just locks herself away. But Toni had only ever mourned her mother. 

“He’s right about this, Rhodey,” Toni says tightly, before she reaches to push aside the gauntlets wrapped around her wrist.

Rhodey is frowning as his gaze turns to her exposed soulmark, before he’s reeling. “Toni, _what_ —who the fuck did this to you?”

To his horror, Toni turns her face away and explains everything. When she’s finished, Rhodey is ready to fucking _kill_ Steve Rogers.

“That motherfucker,” he breathes hotly. “Does he know, too?”

Toni shakes her head. “Nobody. Only Friday and Maria. And you,” she says. “You didn’t seem surprised to know that Steve was my soulmate.”

“I’m your best friend,” Rhodey tells her. “I always knew. Figured you’d tell me when you were ready.”

His words seem to break something within Toni, who is shaking.

“I did something terrible, Rhodey,” Toni confesses in a half whisper. “I tore the chains apart. I don’t know how they got in my soulmark, but all I know is that the moment they broke, so did Thanos.”

“This is not your fault,” Rhodey says firmly.

“But the chains—,”

“Fuck the chains. I know Toni Stark and she would never do something like this. Have you ever thought maybe it’s a coincidence?”

“It’s too big of a coincidence, Rhodey.” Toni is distraught. “Besides, he thanked me personally. Says he’ll let me live because he’s so grateful.”

A muscle jumps in his jaw. “Fine. But when Thanos comes, you’re not responsible for anything he does. Do you know why?”

“Rhodey—,”

“Because you didn’t make him, Toni,” Rhodey says. He’s not going to hear Toni’s shitty guilt today. He refuses to let it break her. “He breaks out of the chains, doesn’t mean that you make him do whatever shitty thing he does.”

“If I hacked into Pentonville Prison and decided to open the gates—,”

“You’re still not responsible for the actions that other people commit, Toni.” Rhodey looks at her. “Besides, I don’t think there’s gonna be any legal ramifications for breaking magic seals, Toni.”

“There’s going to be universal consequences,” Toni muttered. “The book never fully explains what he wants to do with the infinity stones. It just waxes about how Gaia and Kronos used the last of their magic to save the universe.”

“Like a sacrifice?”

“Yeah, kinda, I guess.”

“Was it just them? No other gods or Titans?”

Toni shrugs. “I think so,” she says, before breathing out.

“Jesus, I need a drink,” Rhodey groans. He watches the way Toni flinches. “Tones? What’s wrong?”

“I, uh, broke my streak,” Toni says, lowering her gaze.

“Oh, Toni,” he murmurs sadly. He watches Toni for a bit before he asks, his voice quiet, “Why did you let them back in, Toni?”

“Poor impulse control. Shitty decisions. I'm Toni Stark,” Toni says, grinning at him weakly. But Rhodey only looks at her until she breaks. “I don’t know how to quit them.” Her voice cracks. “Why didn’t he love me, Rhodey?” Toni starts to cry helplessly. “I did everything for him, I did everything for all of them. I—I tried so hard. Why didn’t he love me?”

“Because he’s a fucking dumbass,” Rhodey says sharply, as Toni snickers amidst her tears. He embraces her tightly, ignoring the sharp pain of his body, and breathes out. “It’s going to be alright, Toni, trust me. I got you and—,”

“You got me,” she mumbles, sniffing. “I don’t know what to do.”

Rhodey leans his forehead against Toni’s. “I know you’re scared, because so am I. But we’re going to do this, okay? Because I’m James Rhodes and you’re Toni Stark and when people push us down, we get the fuck back _up_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing Natasha and Bucky here, lol, and while it took Maria and the others several months to break through Toni's walls, Rhodey only needed a couple of days lol. I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you for reading!
> 
> Have a great weekend and see you on Sunday! :D


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and commenting the last chapter! You all brought a smile to my face, so thank you so much for that!
> 
> This chapter is slightly shorter because there's nothing short of a rollercoaster that follows, so I wanted to break it down. I really hope you like it! Enjoy! :D

It doesn’t take long for him to convince Maria Hill that he needs to make a quick visit to the Compound.

Five minutes to assess the full damage and make a guess at the sheer horrors Toni’s been forced through over the past few months. Three minutes, to choose the choicest words into wheedling the nurse into letting him out for a bit. Two, to call for Maria Hill and persuade her that he owes Steve Rogers a visit.

In fact, on the ride over, Maria looks almost deliciously exhilarated. “I wish I could be here for this, but I’ve got to catch Hope Van Dyne up with some paperwork,” she tells him.

“No worries,” Rhodey says easily as they pull up to the Compound. “Thank you for this, Ms Hill.”

“Don’t thank me,” Maria says, and her face darkens. “Just make him _pay_.”

Rhodey eyes her carefully but doesn’t get out of the car. “From what Toni tells me, you’ve been a great friend to her, since Pepper left. She spends too much time in her own head and I’m grateful that you’ve been there for her,” he says. “She doesn’t have many friends and everyone she’s ever known has lied to her. Most people use her. If I find out that you’re playing the long game to use her, they’ll never find your body, Ms Hill. Is that understood?”

“Perfectly, Colonel Rhodes,” Maria says easily. “I can’t promise you that I’ll never hurt Toni, because that’s impossible. But I’ll be a good friend to her, I assure you.” She pauses. “With Rumlow… please give him the same chance you are giving me, too. Toni trusts him, though she’s still very careful. I’ve come to see Rumlow as a good friend, too.”

He’s rather impressed, in all honesty, but he’ll be damned if he lets it show. Instead, Rhodey only inclines his head and gets out of the car, thanking Toni silently over and over again for the leg braces. It’s taken him some time to be able to walk in them, but Toni’s a marvel, so he’s not really surprised. As Rhodey walks into the Compound, he eyes the quiet changes.

A bit of mess here and there, just enough to show how lived-in the place has looked. Some of the furniture has changed, some moved apart. Living room’s been rearranged, he registers idly as he walks into the kitchen quietly. There’s someone in there, humming to themselves as they prepare some sandwich or other.

Rhodey eyes Rumlow with some derision, unimpressed at the man and even more unimpressed with the pink apron he’s wearing. Toni really knows how to pick them, he thinks. To his credit, Rumlow barely flinches.

“You’re feeling better, then, Colonel Rhodes?” he says, turning around easily, flour on his cheeks. He lifts a tray of cupcakes, still warm. “You want some? Freshly made today.”

And he won’t deny it, but damn, is Rhodey tempted. Those cupcakes look _good_ , he thinks, before he shakes his head, his stomach cursing him for it.

“Not hungry,” he says quietly. “You Crossbones, then?”

“Rumlow,” Rumlow corrects and he offers a hand out. “Brock Rumlow, Colonel. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Toni’s a big fan. Forgive the flour, please.”

His lips quirk a little, but Rhodey takes the man’s hand and shakes it. Rumlow is polite, to his grudging respect, but there’s a need to be careful, especially with how hurt Pepper and Happy left him and Toni. Rhodey picks up a large cutting knife from the board, twists it easily in his fingers. He smiles at Rumlow but continues to palm the knife with a smooth ease, watching the way the man’s gaze follows the motion quietly.

Rumlow is not afraid, Rhodey can tell, but he understands. Just like Maria Hill.

“Toni has a tendency for picking up strays,” Rhodey says easily. “I’m all too willing to put them down if they get too... rowdy.”

“Perfectly reasonable, Colonel,” Rumlow tells him easily, giving a gracious nod of acknowledgement. “Are you sure you don’t want a cupcake?”

This time, Rhodey lets himself actually smile and reach out. But when a shadow flits across the wall, Rhodey moves fast, pulling out his gun, quietly surprised to see the way Rumlow shifts defensively, too. The man twists his body quickly to cover him and Rhodey is rather impressed. Both Maria and Rumlow don’t seem too bad, he thinks to himself.

But then he’d once thought the same of Pepper and Happy.

“Stand down, Rhodes, it’s me!” Steve says, putting his hands up. His eyes are wide. “ _Rhodes?_ I thought you were in the hospital. Rhodes, stand down. It’s me.” His gaze narrows. “Rumlow—,”

Rhodes clenches the gun tighter, thinks of Toni’s crumpled face. It takes everything he has in him not to pull the trigger. “Yeah,” he bites out. “I know. And that’s _Colonel_ to you.”

“What?” Steve looks confused.

“I know what you did to her,” Rhodey says tightly, as Rumlow shifts beside him and Steve’s confusion fades away to startling realisation. “You _motherfucker._ I should kill you. I should kill you right now—,”

“Rhodes—,”

Rhodey clicks the safety off, aiming it into his face. “Say another word, I _beg_ you. Anything, so I can pull this trigger,” he snarls. “Make my day.”

Steve’s not an idiot. He takes a breath and stays silent, his eyes wide. Rhodey is tense, his breaths fraught as he glares at the man before him. He’d thought Steve was a good man once. That he knew what he was doing, that he was right. Yeah, sometimes, Rhodey had had his doubts, especially whenever Toni argued against Steve, but he knew that Steve would always have the best intentions.

How fucking wrong he was.

All this time and Steve turned out to be the selfish one. Constantly accusing Toni of what he was eventually guilty of. The fucking _nerve_.

Rumlow shifts beside him. “Colonel, not that this isn’t a fun show, I don’t think this is entirely wise,” he begins quietly. “Besides, Toni is actually—,”

“Rhodey-bear, you can’t shoot him,” Toni says, her figure in the doorframe. She’s clutching a pillow, eyes unusually bright. “Do you know how much paperwork we’d have to fill out?”

“Toni?” Rhodey turns his head. “What are you doing here?”

Toni brandishes the pillow. “Forgot DUM-e’s favourite pillow,” she says, and then she flinches as the rest of the Avengers pour out in the kitchen, looking startled.

“What the hell is going on?” Sam’s eyes are wide as he pulls out his own gun, not seeming to realise that he’s pointing it at Rhodes until he focuses. “ _Rhodes_?”

“Back from the dead,” Rhodey quips easily.

Toni winces. “Could you _not._ ”

“Easy, everyone,” Natasha is saying calmly. “Let’s all stand down.” She turns her head towards Rhodes. “Colonel. It’s good to see you.”

“That sounded almost sincere. Give the Red Room a pat on the back for me,” Rhodey says viciously.

“Hey, look,” Clint says defensively. “There’s no need for that, Rhodes—,”

“Colonel,” both he and Toni correct at the same time.

It’s then that Barnes slides out of the shadows and Rhodey stiffens, his eyes fixed on Toni. He knows that their relationship has changed, but he’ll be damned if he trusts the man who took away Toni’s mother from them. Mrs Stark was an amazing person and she deserved a lot more than what the Winter Soldier did to her, he thinks to himself. Howard, on the other hand, could _rot_.

“Back from Wakanda, then?” he says, as Steve shifts protectively towards the man.

“Yes, Colonel,” Barnes says quietly. “I was in cryo.”

Rhodey’s brow furrows. “So, they just stuck you in a refrigerator like a frozen meal?”

Toni’s voice is delighted. “That’s what I said!”

“Toni, please,” Steve says, his voice taut, as Toni’s face clams up immediately, the smile falling off her features. “I just—can I say it?”

“Don’t you pin this one on me, Rogers,” Toni says, but there’s no venom in her voice as she speaks. “You do what you want, remember?”

“Stop it, just—stop being so reasonable! Get mad at me, I beg you!” Steve says, distraught

“Yeah, that’s—that’s all you, right? You only know what to do when it comes to a fight, Rogers. You ever just stopped fighting for a bit? Take a breath?”

There’s something in Steve’s face, but Toni seems to have given up on them all. She’s turning towards him, her eyes on the leg braces, as Rhodey finally puts down the gun and everyone in the kitchen gives a huge, collective sigh of relief. He rolls his eyes at them. He wouldn’t _really_ have shot Steve. Well. Maybe not in the head. A leg. An arm, so he could match his best friend. Supersoldiers can heal fast, anyway, Rhodey thinks.

“Come on, platypus,” Toni is telling him quietly. “Christine keeps blowing up my phone.”

“You go on,” Rhodey says. “I’ll be right out.”

He waits until Steve is the only one left in the kitchen, eyeing the man carefully. Steve looks terrible, his eyes gaunt and his cheeks hollowed. Clearly, he hasn’t been eating or sleeping well. Rhodey would feel bad for the man, but he saw Toni go blind and he’s all out of sympathy for anyone else.

The way Steve looks after Toni is particularly telling.

“I’d be a fool if I didn’t know what that look meant,” he says sharply, as Steve suppresses a flinch. “If you keep looking at Toni like that, you’ll be lucky to leave this building with yourself intact, Rogers,” he warns tightly. “There’s many girls and boys out there who would have you at the drop of a hat. Lucky you, golden boy. You can take your pick.” He leans in, his face hardening. “But if you so much as touch Toni, I _will_ kill you.”

.

.

Christine’s email comes when Friday is talking to her hesitantly about Rumlow.

“It wasn’t all Rumlow’s fault,” her AI says. “It is not right to let him take all the blame.”

“It’s alright, Fri,” Toni reassures, as she checks through her list of emails carefully. “Trust me.”

Friday’s voice is quiet. “I did not mean to hurt you,” she confesses. “I just wanted to help.”

Her fingers pause their movements and Toni’s breath hitches a little. “I know,” she tells her AI softly. “I haven’t made it easy on you, my darling, either. Watching me like this, spiralling, can’t have been fun.”

“I could do nothing,” Friday tells her, as something shifts Toni’s aching heart. There’s a desperation in her AI’s robotic voice, a softness that she can’t remember ever programming. “You were hurting and I—I could not help you.”

“I know, baby,” Toni murmurs. “But you already help me, just by being there for me. That’s all I really need.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

Toni watches the blue light flood her arc reactor as Friday sends her a few affectionate sparks, her lips lifting up a little fondly. She furrows her brows at the email curiously before she opens it. It’s from Christine and all it has is a link and the two words, _Merry Christmas_.

Toni’s jaw drops as she follows the link, her eyes wide.

“Rhodey, we’ve got to go!” She’s already tugging at Rumlow’s sleeve, calling eagerly for Maria. “We are not missing this for the world!”

.

.

And _finally_ , Ross is being imprisoned.

Toni makes sure to bag herself, Maria, Rumlow, Rhodey, and Christine front row seats for the show.

She's seated at the court where Ross is being read his rights and being sworn in, not even bothering to hide her blinding grin. Everyone knows by now how much she hates Ross, thanks to Christine, and because the rest of the world had somehow gotten their hands on some private documents and incriminating tapes that Toni will categorically deny ever finding and systematically distributing, the public hate Ross too.

_You’re going to rot in prison_ , Toni thinks. _You scared me, and you liked it and now you’re going to suffer. Because I asked Christine for her help and she delivered. And now you’re going to go away for a long time and we’re going to have a celebratory dinner together and Christine’s treating us._

_And we’re going to be just fine._

In hindsight, Toni knew it was a bad idea to start hoping.

"Do you wish to say anything before the sentence is imposed?"

Desperation is a powerful thing.

Toni knows first-hand.

It's why she recognises the mad light in Ross' eyes, the broken, fragile way his face just cracks apart in sheer hatred for her. When he clenches his fist, she knows he's imagining plucking out her beating heart. The cameras swing around, hungry and demanding.

Toni begins to rise from her seat, her heart pounding in her chest.

“You want to put your faith in the likes of Toni Stark?” Ross shakes his head, his eyes blazing hard. “You’re all making a big mistake. Captain America _himself_ rejected her.”

Oh, shit.

His face creases when the cameras swing towards him, as the court upturns itself, the judge trying and failing to gain order. The place is all in an uproar, at his words, as Toni is left stunned, her mind reeling.

How does he know—the bodycams on the intruders. They’d made it into the workshop. They could have easily slipped past pictures of her work. She’d even had the soulmark folders left open, like an idiot.

“ _No_ —,” she mutters.

How could she be so _stupid?_

As though he’s heard her, Ross turns his head to look straight at her, and Toni stills.

“You didn’t know?” he says sarcastically, as he mocks the rest of the world and exposes the one secret she’s never given up. “The soulmark on Steve Rogers’ neck is an arc reactor. And the soulmark on her wrist is Captain America’s shield. If Captain America was smart enough not to get into it with Toni Stark, how stupid do you all have to be?”

She’s frozen where she stands, her eyes wide with horror. Some news reporter pushes a mic into her face, as everyone makes their way towards her in a panic. Rhodey looks ready to start fighting his way to her and Maria is already hurrying, a murderous-looking Christine at her heels.

“Ms Stark, what do you have to say to these accusations?”

Her mind is blank. Toni just stares at the smug man, her mouth dropping open.

“Well, _fuck_.”

Just as everyone begins to realise that she just swore on live television, the world trembles. There’s a ripple of confusion that echoes through the courthouse, but the silence that falls is louder than anything Toni has ever known. Her stomach clenches in discomfort and then the screams begin.

As the world begins to shake, screams echoing from outside. It’s not hard to make out what people are screaming, her eyes wide. Déjà vu, Toni thinks to herself blindingly. It’s another invasion.

It’s finally happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, guys. Shit's about to go down! :D
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for such amazing comments last chapter! I loved reading them all - you all got me so excited, lol. 
> 
> I'm taking notes from Infinity War to help me, so there will be some similarities in here. Mostly, because I tried to figure out a way for plot and characterisation to work together, before I started getting a headache and I was like, eh, can't fix what ain't broke, so enjoy lovelies. :D

She’s breathless when the screams start, when people begin running for their lives.

People are screaming, startled as her entire world upturns itself in chaos and Toni is already feeling the dredges of panic threaten to overwhelm her completely. She’s pushing herself back against her seat, struggling to breathe when Rhodey grabs her arm tightly. Her soulmark is burning up a storm, but the pain is nothing now, to Toni, who is slowly being consumed by her own panic.

“Toni—,”

“I _can’t_ ,” she tells him, eyes wide with panic. “I’m not—I’m not ready—,”

Rhodey looks at her carefully, clutches her fingers tight, as Maria and Rumlow form a path to help them get outside of the courthouse. Christine is looking briefly panicked, but Maria is talking to the reporter, reassuring the people around them that Iron Woman has this. Their voices buzz in the background of her panic as the cameras swing away, as the world fades away to leave only Rhodey.

“Yes, you are. You’ve been ready for years, Toni,” he tells her, his voice taut with determination. “What do we do?”

Toni swallows hard, before getting to her feet.

As they burst out into the streets, her gaze turns to the large spaceship slowly falling in the air. It’s a glorious work of art, all sleek metals and spinning lights, but it’s so terribly familiar and her heart hammers in her chest tightly. A spaceship, aliens, Thanos.

It’s New York all over again.

Her nightmares have come true and it’s all laid out there before her, Toni thinks blindingly, something in her throat. But she knows she can’t lose her head now. Already, thoughts are flitting through her mind, brimming with different protocols and ideas, lined with Rhodey’s fierce determination and resounding belief in her, his unwavering confidence in her abilities.

Rhodey thinks she can do it, so Toni knows she can.

She’s already reaching to help a stumbling woman to her feet, hurrying towards the skirmish, Friday in her ears. “Evacuate the city, Fri. Send all the emergency responders,” Toni says urgently, breathing hard as she moves. “Call up the Accords committee now. Tell them I’ve got a plan, but they’re going to have do as promised. They’ve got to do the cleaning up.”

“Yes, Boss,” Friday says.

“What do we do?” Maria is asking, as they follow on her heels.

Toni realises, blinking, startled, that they’ve followed her, even Christine. Rumlow is hovering beside Rhodey as the latter moves in his leg braces, but they’re all looking at her expectantly. They’re looking to her, to lead, to take charge. They trust her to know what she’s doing and though she knows this, it still doesn’t stop giving her a pleasant sensation of sweet shock at the realisation.

“Let me think,” Toni begins, casting her mind frantically to the several set of protocols and plans she’s created to note each of their accomplishments and abilities. “Rhodey, you can’t be here. Maria—,”

Rhodey’s face darkens, but Maria opens her mouth to protest. “I was there in New York, too, Toni,” she says sharply.

“Which is why I need you to watch our backs,” Toni tells her. When Rhodey looks ready to argue, Toni’s voice turns fierce. “And you just got out of a coma, Rhodey. You’re staying down, I don’t care.”

Though her best friend hesitates, she knows that her words ring truth. She stares at him desperately, quietly, and he nods towards her mutely, to her resounding relief. Rhodey mutters to her to be safe, while he and Christine make their way out of the destruction of the city. Toni is relieved to know that she’s not alone, with Rumlow and Maria at her side as they walk out in the middle of the street to meet the two aliens coming out of the large ship.

Toni squints to look for Thanos, but he doesn’t seem to be around. Maybe he’s gearing up for his dramatic entrance inside the ship.

The thinnest alien, tall with a large, bulbous head and eyes that glint beadily, is walking slowly, the larger alien behind him. His voice is soft, but it echoes, almost seductive in its thrall, around the streets, overwhelming the car alarms and the fading screams.

“Hear me, and rejoice,” he says, and Toni blinks at him, wondering why he looks so familiar. “You are about to die at the hand of the Children of Thanos. Be thankful, that your meaningless lives are now contributed to the balance.”

Is this guy for real?

Toni takes a step forward, clears her throat. “Uh, Squidward,” she says, and _that’s_ where she recognises him from. The guy looks like he lives next to a pineapple under the sea. “Not to ruin what’s probably a great speech, but you know, you’re, uh, trespassing.” She makes a shooing motion. “If you could just hop onto the donut and go back home, we’d be grateful, thanks.”

Squidward turns his head to look at her carefully, his eyes narrowing a little. She sees the faintest trace of recognition pass his features, in a way that makes her stomach drop, and Toni swallows hard. Her soulmark aches when he looks at her, a reminder, a threat. A promise.

“Toni Stark,” he says, as Toni goes completely cold. “It is you. The woman of iron.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Maria tenses and Rumlow turns stiff, but both of them are still by her side, their shoulders tight. She wouldn’t blame them if they left her right now, Toni thinks to herself. She hasn’t exactly told them all the truth about Thanos, but the thought of them leaving her alone leaves a sadness clinging to her chest.

“You know my name,” Toni states, lifting her head with a bravado she doesn’t feel. She eyes Squidward carefully.

“But of course,” Squidward says, pressing a hand to his chest as he inclines his head almost respectfully. “I am Ebony Maw. This is my brother, Cull Obsidian.”

He waves a hand towards said brother, who is a large giant of an alien, wrapped in dark armour that Toni has to tamp down her fascination for. He’s holding a rather large axe in his hands, too.

“You’re all, uh, Thanos’ children?” Toni blinks, frowning a little.

She has a hard time believing that anyone would want to willingly procreate with Thanos. But hey, who is she to kink-shame?

“Adopted,” Ebony Maw explains. His eyes can’t seem to leave Toni, alight with a fascination that Toni finds creepy. For a moment, she thinks he might actually offer her his hand, but he only stands a little before her, bowing his head once more. When he speaks, his voice is quiet, as ever. “Believe us when we say that it is an honour.”

“Is he flattering you right now, Toni? Are you getting offers from outer space now, too? Rogers is going to throw a _fit_ ,” Rumlow mutters, an amused smirk at the edge of his laps, but his gaze is narrowed in deep suspicion. “Is he serious?”

Ebony Maw’s eyes are bright.

“Perfectly so,” he says lowly. “We thank you, Toni Stark, for your part in freeing our father.” Toni stills, feeling Rumlow’s startled gaze on her. “We have been told that you should live, as a mercy. A token of the Great Titan’s gratitude. Please. Step aside.”

Her breaths are almost stopped in her chest, her form still and careful. It’s out there now, Toni thinks. She freed Thanos. She’s the reason for all of this. She’s not going to step aside for anything, but Maria and Rumlow might. And then Rumlow himself speaks.

“I don’t know,” he says with an ease Toni certainly doesn’t feel. “He makes a good case. Maybe we should give him some food, to sweeten the deal. As a gift. Offerings and whatnot.”

For a moment, Toni is left completely stunned. They heard that she freed Thanos and they don’t seem to care, she realises, her heart dropping like a stone. It’s startling, but greatly relieving at the same time. Then she realises exactly what Rumlow is saying.

“For once, Rumlow,” Maria says, her voice bordering on snappish, “I don’t think your baked Krispy treats are going to work this time.”

“I beg to differ, Maria, and frankly, I’m quite offended,” Rumlow says. “We haven’t even offered our guests anything.”

“I think they ate before they came,” Toni puts in, unable to help herself.

Maria groans. “ _Toni_. Not you, too,” she says. “Please, stop encouraging Rumlow’s madness. It’s only going to upset him.”

Ebony Maw looks ever patient, his face impassive. “Toni Stark,” he says. “Will you step aside?”

Toni doesn’t even have to hesitate.

“No.”

“Then, we shall begin.”

The alien lifts his long, slender fingers and entire parts of the pavement begin cracking apart, cars sliding away like drops of rain, forming a path, Toni realises. She doesn’t turn her head, but she knows exactly what that path leads to. She can hear Maria and Rumlow shifting into defensive stances beside her, breathing hard. She’s not going into this fight alone, Toni realises, relieved.

“Friday, unlock 15A and 16C,” Toni orders, tilting her head, just as she taps at her arc reactor.

The armour forms swiftly around her figure, pouring from her arc reactor like water. Metal carves itself around her, wrapping up her chest and arms tightly, as Toni feels Iron Woman return to her. The world around her is completely contained into Friday’s blue code, and she can see Ebony Maw’s eyes light up with some interest at the armour.

 _You’re not having this, Squidward,_ she thinks.

When she turns her head, she can hear a slight gasp, as different suits fly to form around Maria and Rumlow. The Crossbones suit has been readjusted to something more lightweight, less heavy than the absolute travesty Rumlow used to carry. It’s a smoother metal that conforms to his body rather than him knocking about in heavy armour and the gauntlets, which carry a lot more than the rudimentary explosives Toni had found, are formed into little compartments around his arms.

Maria’s suit is different, too, more similar to the old SHIELD uniform. It’s not made out of metal, but a dark hybrid cloth that took Toni way too long to source and eventually stitch together with the same code that forms through her metal armour so that it will be completely bulletproof. As Maria is never far from her weaponry, Toni has made sure to accommodate for it with the different compartments.

“Toni?” Maria is gasping, her eyes wide.

Toni keeps an eye on Ebony Maw, the thrusters pushing her to the air quickly, as she launches herself at him. “Just precautions,” she tells them through the comms. “If you want to get out of the fight, Friday will direct you out—,”

“This is so cool,” Rumlow’s saying, just as Toni hears a blast and Ebony Maw’s adopted brother lets out a shout of pain.

As Ebony Maw throws a pavement her way, Toni just narrowly manages to get out of the way, swearing up a storm. She’s breathlessly grateful for when Maria fires a round of shots towards the alien, pounding towards her. They’re swift as they move, untrained with each other but finding themselves in a good ease with each other as Toni manages to fire off a quick series of instructions to help Rumlow and Maria manipulate their suits. Rumlow barrages Cull Obsidian with his refurbished explosives as Maria swings between attacking Ebony Maw and helping Toni in the air.

“Where’s Thanos?” Toni demands as she grabs Squidward by his throat again, pulling him up in the air and preparing to slam him into the ground. “What does he want with the stones?”

The alien smirks at her, almost insultingly casual, before he flicks his fingers and suddenly, Toni is careening heavily through a building. Glass shatters all around her as she falls through what feels like a million storeys, Friday’s voice in her ear, screams echoing around her. Pain blooms across every part of her body and Toni is swearing hotly as she crashes to the ground eventually, curling up on the rubble briefly.

 _This must be how Vision felt_ , she thinks for a moment as she lifts her head to stare at the large hole she’s left in the building above her.

Then—

Vision. Strange.

The _stones_.

Maria’s voice is breathless in her coms. “Toni, are you alright?”

“They’re going to go for the Compound,” Toni breathes hotly, trying to push the bits of bricks off her suit, grateful that she’d reinforced it so that it can’t crush itself again. “For Strange and Vision. Fuck, they’re sitting ducks. Fri, put them through, right now.”

“Putting you through to Dr Strange.”

“What’s going on?” Rumlow is asking, as Toni kicks her way out of the building, glass crunching under her feet. “That Squidward guy’s gone, Toni.”

“Strange said he was coming to the Compound, shit,” Toni tells them. “And Vision—they have to go. I’ll get them off the grid.”

“There is some difficulty in holding a steady connection, Boss, but Dr Strange claims he will not leave,” Friday relays. “Neither will Vision.”

Toni could scream. “ _What_?” she echoes. “Why not?”

“They don’t want to leave you, they say.”

“Those idiots! They don’t have a choice,” Toni snaps, breathing hard as she tries to find the exit. “Fuck’s sake, how do you get out of this place? Thanos is _here_ —,”

“Thanos is not here,” Stephen corrects almost lazily, his voice making her jump in surprise. “Hope says these are his… minions.”

“Are you judging Thanos right now?” Toni echoes, eyes wide, as she finally makes it outside of the building. The entire city is drained of people and she can see Rumlow struggling under Cull Obsidian’s axe, Maria flitting to his side. “Is that what’s happening?”

“I’m just saying I’ve seen better minions.”

Toni keeps an eye out for Ebony Maw as she moves to blast Cull Obsidian, watching the great giant alien fall back with some satisfaction. He flattens two cars and Toni huffs out a curse.

“Where?” she bites at Stephen. “In the Sanctum with _Wong_?”

“We can’t all have fancy villains like the Tangerine, Stark—,”

“The _Mandarin!”_

“Besides,” Stephen continues, unfazed, “you’d think that we would, at the very least, warrant the Titan’s appearance, but I guess we’re not so important.”

She splutters as Maria calls her name to alert her to Cull Obsidian’s appearance again. This alien just does not _die_ , Toni thinks angrily as she and Rumlow make a run once more.

“Why are you so offended—,”

“Could you both stop flirting?” Rhodey snaps, as Friday opens up the comms to everyone on the team. “In case you two haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of another alien invasion.”

In the distance, Toni can hear Rogers demanding to know who is flirting with who, her gut clenching, but she forces herself to focus. “Rhodey-bear, Squidward’s coming for you. I’m on my way, just got to take care of this one first, I promise.”

“Stay safe, Toni,” Rhodey tells her quietly.

Toni barks out a semi-hysterical laugh at that. “Don’t I always?”

It doesn’t take long for her, Rumlow, and Maria working together to take down Cull Obsidian. Maria takes a run towards the alien, providing a distraction while Rumlow goes for his axe, managing to blast it apart into pieces, to Toni’s upset crow. She’d wanted to examine the thing, but now she’ll never get the chance. Though it did almost cut Rumlow in half, so maybe it’s not such a bad loss, she thinks as she aims the repulsor towards Cull Obsidian’s face.

“Come on, big guy,” she says, as Maria and Rumlow hold him down. “What does your Dad want with the stones?”

“Father will kill you,” Cull Obsidian snarls fiercely into her face, his features twisting. “He granted you mercy once, for returning him and his love, but now he will destroy you, if you touch us.”

Unable to resist, Toni leans forward and pokes the alien’s forehead, just as Maria gives another groan and Rumlow eggs her on. When Cull Obsidian roars, his fist clenching to attack her, Toni blasts the repulsor on instinct, the explosion sending them all flying back. Maria surges back and Toni dives towards her to grab her quickly before she can crash into a lamp post.

Cull Obsidian is dead, a great hulking figure collapsed against the rubble.

Toni straightens, settling Maria to her feet as the woman thanks her breathlessly, and tries to settle her beating heart. For a moment, Toni stares at the alien, her heart in her throat. She moves forward, swallows thick before reaching to close his eyes. Rumlow is making his way towards them, having checked the alien, with her, to make sure he’s staying down.

“He said that—he said that you returned Thanos,” Rumlow says first.

“And his love,” Maria adds.

Her cheeks flush with shame as Toni’s throat goes dry. She takes down the helmet to look at them seriously before she explains everything quickly. Maria and Rumlow listen carefully, their brows furrowing together in concern, and when Toni finishes, their gazes draw towards her left wrist where her soulmark lies. Toni swallows thickly, wondering if she’s finally done it.

Has she ruined everything, like she usually does? Will Maria and Rumlow leave her, too?

“Jesus, Toni…” Rumlow murmurs. “You kept that in you all these months?”

“I didn’t know the chains meant…” Maria says, before she shakes her head. “Are you okay?”

Toni blinks. “Huh?”

“You went through a building,” Rumlow tells her. “It did not look fun.”

“I’m alright,” Toni says uncertainly. “You guys aren’t… mad?”

This time, Maria is the one to look at her in confusion. “Why would we be mad, Toni?” she asks softly, brows furrowed.

“I unleashed Thanos and his Children,” Toni tells them. She figures Thanos’ only love would be his children, after all. “It’s—it’s my fault that this is all happening.”

Rumlow wipes his forehead. “No, it’s not,” he says fiercely. There’s something firm in the way he speaks that makes it almost impossible to argue with him. “You had no idea this would happen, Toni. Thanos is the dick, you’re not.”

A small burst of laughter bubbles out of her throat at that as Toni lets herself lean against the building, relaxing slightly. She hadn’t realised how hard her heart had hammered in her chest until now.

“We’ve got to get to the Accords committee,” Maria tells her. “Thank you so much for the suits, Toni, but—,”

“I know,” Toni says quickly. “I didn’t want you to feel obliged to use them, I just needed a way to—,”

“Keep us safe,” Rumlow finishes as he nods to her. There’s an understanding on his face as he reaches to tap her arm. “We know, Toni. We’re going to go put out all the fires now. Take Squidward down for us, will you?”

A small, relieved grin forms across her face as she nods to them, before Toni puts herself through to Rhodey’s comms again.

“Alright, Rhodey-bear, look pretty. I’m coming to you.”

.

.

It doesn’t take her long to get to the Compound, following fast on Squidward’s heels.

He’s left a trail of destruction behind him, but thankfully, as the city’s been evacuated, nobody seems to have gotten hurt. As Toni flies through the air, she can recognise the slight flash of cameras and news reporters, to her derision and exasperation. Even in the middle of an alien invasion, they still want their juicy story, she thinks scornfully.

When she remembers the bombshell Ross left them all with, her stomach clenches and Toni wonders if Rogers was watching the court trial. She’d hoped to live the rest of her life without telling him, to be quite honest, but it’s too much to hope for that, considering her shitty life. Toni wants to curse the news reporters around her, hating that they’ve broadcasted every last of her secrets to the world.

But when Toni passes them, there’s a shout of applause, a cheer that ripples across the crowd that startles her.

They’re cheering for _her_? No, not for Toni Stark. For Iron Woman. They trust that Iron Woman will save them, as she’s always done. Iron Woman will do everything right, Toni knows.

_Big woman in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?_

She doesn’t _know_ , Steve.

“Toni?” Hope’s voice rings uncertainly in her comms. “Colonel Rhodes gave me this. I’m on my way to the Compound right now—,”

“That’s great,” Toni breathes gratefully just as she manages to get to the familiar Compound. “Uh, Hope, could you make it any faster?”

The building is collapsing completely, all of the Avengers falling apart at Ebony Maw’s feet, to her horror. The grass is smoking and there are glass shards and broken bricks scattered across the place, one half of the dining table smashed into a large moving truck. There’s something about that truck that sparks a sense of familiarity in her, but Toni can’t concentrate right now, surging forwards.

Romanoff and Barton are nowhere to be seen, but Rogers and Barnes are on their feet, lunging forwards. There’s no hope for them, she realises, as Ebony Maw lifts up another large truck to crash into them. Dr Strange is already in the air, his unconscious body wrapped around some slip of pavement that’s hovering beside Ebony Maw, and Toni can see Wilson making his final stand in front of a crumpled Vision.

She doesn’t hesitate for a single second. Toni aims the repulsor towards Ebony Maw just as he’s about to crush Wilson’s wings, fires it _hard_.

Squidward goes flying back, surging into the ground heavily, dust piling around him. Toni surges forward to pull Wilson to his feet, citing different protocols to take Vision away breathlessly. The Iron Legion pours out of the Compound, as Wilson swears in relief, flitting around them protectively. Fifty or so suits that she’s been working on for months finally brought to fruition, but Toni can barely spare a moment of pride.

“Fri, take a couple for Strange. Get that arrogant asshat as far away from here as possible. Vision, too,” she orders quickly. The further away the stones are from Thanos’ children, the better. “Uh, shit. Barnes, Rogers—make sure they’re okay, too. Circle the area, update Maria and Rumlow. Wilson, can you stand?”

Wilson is staring, his eyes wide, before he stands to attention. “This guy’s not going to go down easy,” he warns her.

“Trust me,” Toni says, reaching a hand to rub her forehead tiredly. “I know.”

His gaze catches the motion, eyes following her wrist warily, and Wilson’s face creases with an awkward kind of concern. “Toni,” he begins heavily. “We—we were watching the trial—,”

 _Shit_ , Toni thinks and her heart hammers hard in her chest. That meant Rogers finally knew, too. They _all_ knew now. Her cheeks are flushed hot with humiliation, her fingers shaking. She lifts her head to speak, before there’s a blast echoing in the air around them and War Machine comes out of the rubble.

“Rhodey!” Toni is breathing hard in panic, turning her head away from Ebony Maw. “You can’t—,”

“Remotely piloting it,” Rhodey tells her quickly and the relief that spreads across her chest is resounding. “Toni, I have to tell you—Toni, watch _out_!”

Before she can move, Wilson is spreading his wings to grab at her, pulling them both back. Toni is breathing hard, but she lets herself fall in the air, ducking the surge of sharpened glass particles. They pierce the wings but shatter on impact, thanks to Toni’s handiwork, and as Wilson moves, Toni tries to focus on the fight, her heart pounding.

She can’t have a panic attack now, she thinks. For one, it would be terrible timing.

“I’ll distract him,” Toni tells Wilson. “You and Rhodey take him down.” She doesn’t give Wilson time to agree, before she starts shouting, “Hey, Squidward! Over here!” As she barrages through the skies, nearer to the forests where a few explosions and a fight wouldn’t be remiss, she mutters to herself, “I must be out of my damn mind, what the fuck, what the actual fuck...”

Ebony Maw turns his head, his gaze narrowing on her. “Where is Cull Obsidian?”

“Big brother’s dead,” Toni says, and this time, she’s expecting the blow, forcing herself to relax as she drops to the ground.

Instead of letting Squidward force her into the ground, she rams against the grass, ignoring the startled shouts that surround her. Ebony Maw’s face is filled with a taut fury that makes Toni feel regretful for a few moments, something like understanding rattling her chest. She knows what deep, overwhelming grief feels like, she thinks.

But when Squidward attacks again, taking apart pieces of the Compound to throw them towards her, Toni smashes through the floating bricks with her own repulsors. He’s relentless, but there’s a method to his madness that Cull Obsidian never had, and it chills Toni to her very bones. She’s starting to tire, but she doesn’t let herself falter, pushing through the exhaustion.

Ebony Maw promptly cracks apart the ground around them and Toni is being smothered by the forest, tangled within its long roots. She struggles helplessly, using the blasters fast to torch them all, but it’s too late.

When Rhodey and Wilson attack, Ebony Maw sees it coming from a mile away and Toni’s scream lingers in the air long after the alien has split apart the War Machine suit to crash into Wilson. His crumpled form lies helplessly amidst the rubble, as Ebony Maw turns to the rest of the Iron Legion, starting to rip apart her work as a child would tear apart pieces of paper.

It’s almost laughable, the way he simply cuts through what had taken her months to perfect in the blink of a second.

Strange is still unconscious, the cloak still tugging desperately at him, tied to some piece of pavement, but Ebony Maw lifts a hand up. The donut spaceship shadows over them once more, a fierce and fast wind built up in a storm, and another hand brings Strange towards him. They’re being beamed up, Toni realise in horror, hurrying in her efforts to get to the wizard.

And then, Hope arrives.

“Hope,” Toni breathes in relief, having sawed off the rest of the roots and getting to her feet. “Boy, am I glad to see you. We need air support.”

“On my way,” Hope tells her with smooth ease.

The winged woman flits so fast she’s almost invisible in the air, spinning towards the alien easily, who tries to bat her away. But she’s too small and the Wasp manages to distract Ebony Maw almost effortlessly, just as Toni lunges towards Strange.

It’s a startled cry that jerks her attention and finally, Toni realises where Romanoff and Barton have been.

“What are the kids still doing there, Barton?” Toni almost screams in her comms, her heart hammering up a storm, as she sends one of the Iron Legion towards Strange instead. She barrels through the air, as Barnes and Rogers start to groggily get to their feet. “They were supposed to be out!”

“Moving vans were a little hammered,” Barton says gruffly, but it’s easy to spot the terrified determination in his voice and it steadies Toni with her own fears.

“Alright,” she says breathlessly, turning back to where Barnes and Rogers are going after Ebony Maw. “I’m sending a car. Friday will drive it. It’ll take them off the grid, to a safe place. Are you—,”

There’s no hesitation when he speaks. “I’m going with them.”

“Stay safe, Barton.”

“You too, Toni.”

But even as she moves, Squidward’s blasting apart the place, the Wasp crashing horrifically into the Compound. The building starts to crumble, bricks and dust cracking to the ground, as Toni spurs herself on. Again, another cry grabs her attention and Romanoff’s voice is in her comms.

“Toni, you’re the only one fast enough—Lila’s still in there—,”

Toni changes track immediately, avoiding Squidward’s latest fucking pavement only narrowly as she calls for Friday’s help. To her horror, the Compound floors are already cracking apart, rubble falling all over the place, and even as Friday alerts her to the damages, Toni is already zooming in. She can see the little girl as she dives forwards, her metal arms reaching to grab Lila and swooping her up just in time.

The floor crashes down on the ground, dragging up mud and grass, as Toni breathes in relief, clasping Lila to her metal chest.

“Lila?” She’s breathless as she surges through the air, protecting the little girl with her entire body, searching desperately for the car. “Are you okay? Fri, where’s the f—where’s the car?”

“Toni!” Lila, to her credit, looks utterly delighted, as though she’s having the time of her life. “This is so fun!”

At least one of us is enjoying themselves, Toni thinks, as Lila starts to shift in her arms. “Lila, stop squirming,” she tells her, automatically adjusting her arms, wary of dropping the impatient little girl. “I’m going to give you to your Dad, okay—,”

“I don’t want my dad! I want to go with you!”

Where she’s going, nobody would follow, Toni thinks, her gaze turning to where Strange is slowly following Ebony Maw’s thrall once more. “Maybe later,” she says. “You have to ask your Mom and Dad for permission.” A permission slip to fight aliens, she thinks, almost hysterical.

“That’s not fair!”

Life’s not fair, kid. “Lila, I know, but you wanna stay with your mom, don’t you?” She says fast, just as she touches ground.

The relief sinks over Laura’s face as she grasps Lila tightly, as Barton hurries over. Romanoff is already helping the other Barton children into the car, reaching her head up to make some sort of coded facial expression towards Barton that he understands.

“Car’s not working. Something’s malfunctioning—,”

“Shit,” Toni mutters, turning her head again. “The Iron Legion will protect you for now. Fri, work on getting the car up and running.”

“Yes, boss,” Friday says promptly.

And then, as Toni lunges forward to go after Strange again, Rogers is there. His entire form is large and looming, his eyes wide as he stares at her. There’s blood drying on his face, but other than that, he looks fine, Toni realises. Her soulmark flares up a storm once more and she tamps down on her bridling frustrations once more as his gaze drops to her left wrist.

Where _his_ shield rests.

“Out of my way, Rogers,” Toni says breathlessly. “Like Rhodey said, we’re in the middle of another alien attack.”

Rogers nods, swallowing thickly. “Vision’s safely out,” he tells her, but his gaze keeps dropping. “It’s just Dr… what was his name?”

“Strange,” Toni says.

“Yeah, he is,” Rhodey mutters in her comms. “Bit of an asshole, too.”

“No, his _name_ is Stephen Strange,” Toni tells them. She rolls her eyes before steeling herself, her breaths coming out fraught and determined. “And now I have to save his stupid, idiotic ass, because he didn’t listen to me.”

Her gaze narrows on the large spaceship, heart hammering up a storm, calculations flitting about in her head. Ebony Maw is still a little far away, Hope and Barnes giving their best efforts, but his telekinesis is still working.

“We’ll give you cover,” Rogers tells her, as Toni prepares herself. He clears her throat, looking distraught for a moment. “Is it true? Toni?”

“Not now, Rogers—,”

“Is it true?”

Instead of answering, Toni lunges forward towards Strange, her fingers reaching out for the fluttering cloak. She’s already powering up the repulsors to blast apart the chains that hold him, scowling at them, when there’s a cry in her ear and suddenly something’s hitting her helmet.

More fucking bricks, Toni thinks dizzily.

Screams echo hotly around the place, just as Ebony Maw eyes them both. “Then, I’ll take you both,” he says firmly.

Toni’s head cracks against the donut spaceship and her eyes close, screams lingering in her ears.

Friday’s voice echoes in her suit _. “TONI!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you for reading! Have a wonderful day! :D


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for the love from the last chapter! You all honestly made me laugh and cry, so thank you so much for that! 
> 
> I know everyone's anxious to know about Peter Parker's position in this story, but he won't be making much of an appearance. I did try, but it felt too much like shoehorning and it didn't go along with the message I wanted the story to convey. So, he will be here, but it's a very small appearance, towards the very end of the story. I also have been hashing out a proper end to the soulmate arc and I know that everyone's very excited about different ships, so I just don't want to disappoint anyone. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

She wakes at the sound of a collision.

Her head is spinning painfully, and Toni realises she must have fallen asleep in the armour, the Iron Woman suit crackling breathlessly around her. It’s when she shifts a little without opening her eyes that Toni knows she’s not in the Compound or the Tower, her heart dropping in her chest. She’s on the floor of some place, her head still pressed to the ground.

Toni peeks open one eye and holds back a groan.

Squidward is leaning in way too close to Stephen, who does not look happy. The wizard is being impaled by thousands of glass shards, slow and painful as they feed into his flesh, drawing apart his pain. He’s whispering something, his voice soft and careful in a way that makes Toni’s head grow dizzier, but she forces herself to focus, her heart pounding.

“Give me the stone,” Ebony Maw says, as Stephen screams.

It’s a horrific sound and Toni tries not to wince as she breathes hard, trying to get herself to her feet. For once, she hates that she’s in a suit of the noisiest metal, but as she swings her repulsor up, facing it towards Ebony Maw’s back, Toni doesn’t care. She lines her shot up, trying to forget the way this reminds her way too much of how Howard took her out to a shooting range that one time when she was eleven, and she’d almost shot him in the foot.

He hadn’t come back for almost three years, after that.

“Your powers…” Ebony Maw says, “are inconsequential to mine.”

And then he turns around, just as Toni takes the shot.

The blast resounds the place, as Squidward barely manages to get out of the way, still taking something of the blow to his chest. Ebony Maw snarls something fierce as Toni scrambles to get to her feet, already shifting to provide herself with cover, running across the sheeted metal flooring. Squidward sends an array of things after her, as Toni deflects them all as fast as she can, her gaze catching on the large window next to her.

An idea strikes her.

Her breaths fraught, she waits for Ebony Maw to come closer, one gauntlet poised towards him and the other aimed discreetly towards the window. As Squidward moves, Toni tenses easily.

“Look, we can—we can come to some sort of compromise, right?” she says breathlessly, pushing back her hair with a tilt of her head. “I’m a businesswoman. Negotiation’s kind of my thing.”

“It is far too late for that,” Ebony Maw tells her, but he’s not moving closer, to her annoyance. “I gave you my terms once and you refused.”

_Get him angry_ , she thinks. “So, your uh, brother, Cull?” Toni manages to get out, spurred on by the flashing of Squidward’s eyes. “You really are Thanos’ loves, then? His favourite children?”

Ebony Maw’s face creases in confusion. “What are you speaking of?”

And just as he grows closer, Toni blasts her gauntlet.

The resulting explosion sends her flying back heavily into the wall as something hits the place. Toni’s head is ringing as Ebony Maw’s screams echo in the air around them and suddenly, Stephen is at his knees towards her.

“Wake up, Stark—we have more trouble—,”

“Let me die,” Toni moans, pawing at him groggily, but the cloak wraps itself around her fingers, pulling herself up. “I think I like Friday better than you—Friday?”

Her AI is silent, as Toni shifts. Stephen crunches a glass shard under his feet, as he breathes out, his voice hoarse.

“Stark—,”

“Where’s Friday?” Toni’s gaze turns to the window and her eyes widen. “We’re—shit.”

They’re in space, she realises, her stomach dropping hotly, her gaze focused on the large black spanning across the window, lightly dusted with silvered stars. Her breaths are coming fraught with a terrifying kind of panic that threatens to overwhelm her completely. Stephen and the cloak are kneeling to her side, speaking to her, but Toni can barely hear them.

_They’re in space._

And then there’s a loud, resounding roar.

“BRING ME _THANOS_!”

Her head is pounding again, but Toni blinks.

_He’s not here_ , she thinks, deliriously realising she’s in space. _You just missed him. Try again later._

It’s when she looks up at Stephen, who looks ready to kill her, that she realises she’s mumbled this out loud. Toni is furrowing her brows at the resounding call, her breaths fraught. She forces herself to breathe properly, her heart pounding in her chest, and turns away from the window, struggling to get to her feet. Despite Stephen’s protests, Toni manages to get herself up, her fingers shaking embarrassingly, sweat lining her forehead.

“ _Toni_?” Thor’s voice is refreshingly familiar and Toni stares at the god with wide eyes, before her eyes stray to the large ship that’s crashed into the donut spaceship.

She breathes, “Thor?”

.

.

“All of them?”

Toni’s heart drops at the unsteady smile Thor shoots her way, her fingers resting lightly on the torn deck. Her gaze lingers on the window, breaths catching at the endless dark expanse of space once more as she tries to breathe properly. So, this is space, Toni thinks, her stomach flipping. It’s beautiful and terrible all at once. The dreams weren’t nearly enough to show the sheer power it holds, and she realises just how lucky she’d been. If she saw this on Earth, she would have been driven crazy for real.

When the cloak settles around her protectively, she realises that she’s on the verge of a panic attack. Stephen’s gaze is fixated on her and it’s the reminder of him that pulls her back, forces her to breathe properly. Thor is looking away, and for the first time since she’s seen him, he does not wear his usual, happy-go-lucky smile. The absence of it makes Toni’s heart ache.

The god looks so … _tired_ , she thinks. She knows what that’s like.

Even so, Toni hesitates to move forwards to comfort him. Thor hurt her, too, she remembers. She remembers gilded, gleaming armour that shone blindingly in the room of the Tower, red battle regalia, a hand closing around her throat and refusing to stop squeezing. She swallows hard, forcing herself to stay standing, though her knees almost buckle under her. It’s like Laura’s slapped her all over again.

“All of them. Asgard is all gone,” Thor confirms, inclining his head sadly. He seems to have noticed the way she falters a little in her awkward attempts to comfort him, but thankfully does not mention it. Instead, Thor continues, trying to put on a brave face. “We—we are all that remains of my people, my kingdom.”

“I’m sorry, Thor,” Toni tells him honestly.

How many people has she lost throughout the years? To have something so awful happen to Thor too, especially with his home destroyed as well, makes her feel sympathetic for the god. Thor, the kindest Avenger, does not deserve this, no matter how much he hurt her in the past, Toni knows.

But Stephen is looking confused, his gaze narrowing towards the large ship still stuck in Thanos’ spaceship. “We?” he repeats, voice taut with deepest suspicion.

Thor’s eyes widen briefly, before he’s surging up and hurrying to the ship. Toni blinks at the lack of cape, having grown used to it finally, as she turns to follow him warily. Stephen clears his throat, lingering back and throwing Toni a meaningful look, but Toni has no idea what he means.

“What?” she asks quizzically.

“It’s not smart to follow,” Stephen tells her. His voice softens a little as Toni frowns at him. “We just got out of a fight, Stark. You want another one this fast, especially when you look like you’re about to drop?”

Toni narrows her eyes towards him. “You know what’s not smart?” she says. “What’s not _smart_ is you and Vision being stupid idiots and staying in the Compound, even though I told you to leave—,”

“With powers like his, he would have found us wherever we went, and you know that,” Stephen tells her, and she can’t really argue with that, can she?

Toni lets out a heavy sigh and nods as she straightens her shoulders, patting the cloak gratefully. “Yeah,” she says, voice a soft murmur. “You’re right.”

Stephen’s face turns slightly pink as he continues, looking away quickly so as to avoid embarrassment, but his own or hers, Toni doesn’t know. “We—we saw the trial, too,” he tells her, sounding slightly awkward as Toni’s eyes widen in horror. “And we heard what the aliens were saying. I don’t understand how Thanos and—your soulmark could correlate.”

“Neither do I,” Toni confesses heavily. The curiosity seems to be eating him up and so, Toni takes pity. “But the aliens were right. It—it is my fault. I accidentally unchained Thanos and let him free.”

If he says that it’s all her fault, she won’t be able to argue him. Maria and Rumlow might. Maybe even Christine could. Rhodey certainly would. But none of them are here right now. Toni is all alone.

She eyes Stephen carefully, as the wizard opens his mouth to answer, before Thor’s call takes their attention instantly. He’s beckoning them to enter the ship and Toni shrugs at Stephen before they follow, the cloak wrapping around her form protectively as she pats it fondly, missing Friday with a pang.

Toni points at Thor. “Rogers copied your beard,” she tells him cheerfully.

Thor’s face creases at the reminder. “Some scary man cut it off,” he tells her, before he moves. “Okay, so it’s only a few familiar faces,” Thor is saying, as he takes them inside the ship. His eyes are fixed on them warily and there’s something within the caution in his face that makes Toni’s hackles rise in defence. “That is all. He means you no harm, I swear it—,”

As soon as she sees Loki, Toni’s response is automatic.

She taps at the arc reactor quickly, the cloak seizing to reach for Strange, and impatient for the few seconds it takes for her armour to form, Toni points two repulsors and the rest of her arsenal towards the god threateningly. She shifts immediately into a defensive stance, her shoulders stiff and her balance lingering, wary of Stephen who has twisted his hands into creating an intricate glowing orange pattern that lingers protectively in the air around them.

Loki, to his credit, only looks vaguely amused. “That looks new,” he comments, but he doesn’t dare to move.

“Thor,” Toni says easily. “Not to be rude, but what the _fuck_?”

“Toni,” comes a familiar voice from the shadows. “It’s okay. He’s… varying from moment to moment when it comes to mass murder.”

Toni rolls her eyes. “Is that supposed to make me feel better, Bruce?” she snips, before her stomach drops. “ _Bruce?”_

He moves slowly out of the darkness, a short woman beside him. Toni stares, her eyes wide as her breaths almost stop in her chest. Bruce is standing there, in her blouse, of all things, fiddling with his fingers in that way he always used to, giving her a small, shy smile. The woman beside him looks sharp, her face gleaming with silver lines, especially in the way she holds herself, as though she’s used to battle, wearing shiny armour that intrigues Toni immensely.

“Toni,” Bruce says, his voice fraught, and that’s all it takes for Toni’s defences to fall apart.

When he surges forward, the armour slides away easily though she hears Stephen swearing audibly behind her as he reinforces his own magic protectively. Toni lifts her hands to embrace him breathlessly, her heart hammering in her chest. Confusion ripples through her, a fraught thing and a thousand thoughts bloom in her mind.

“Bruce?” Toni repeats, careful with the man who has noticed the gleaming arc reactor securely back in her chest. “What—how—,”

“It’s a long story,” Thor says.

“I’ll bet,” Stephen comments, his gaze narrowed on Loki, who simply waves his fingers but keeps his eyes eerily on Toni.

The woman rummages through something in the corner before pulling out a large bottle filled with amber liquid. “And I have drinks! We can’t fix this damn ship, but I’ve got the next best thing. Grandmaster’s favourites.”

Toni’s mind registers on the drinks, her mouth dry, before she shakes her head. “Your ship’s damaged?”

.

.

“So, how is everyone on Earth?” Thor asks, a little too brightly.

Toni fiddles with the circuit board with interest, her eyes wide at the intricacy of the ship. She keeps her head lowered so she doesn’t have to see Thor’s face, her heart in her throat. _What to say, Thor? As soon as you left, everything turned to shit? Or, even before you left, the cracks were there, gaping and wide open for me to take a sledgehammer to them?_

She’s trying to fix their ship, as Thor catches her up to the adventures they’ve been having and how Loki had to trigger Ragnarok. He seems anxious to convince her that Loki is not a threat and though Toni trusts Thor, she doesn’t trust the Trickster God. She still remembers the way he tossed her out of the window, the way she’d flailed in the air in a blinding panic before Jarvis plucked her out of the skies. Loki is keeping his distance and though Valkyrie offered her a drink, Toni had to reluctantly refuse, her fingers itching.

“Good,” Toni manages to get out, her voice strangled. She turns her head to see Loki shifting a little, Bruce politely refusing Valkyrie’s offer of drinks. Stephen is still, quiet beside them, where Toni still tenses, to make sure the wizard is alright. “They’re—we’re all good. Peachy.”

Thor doesn’t answer for a moment. “Good, good. That’s good,” he says. He pauses for a moment, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “Toni, I—I wanted to apologise for my actions towards you when we last met.”

Toni almost drops the spanner. “What?”

“I should not have lost my temper and assaulted you. I was acting from a place of resentment and rage and it was wrong of me. I’m very sorry for my actions,” he tells her honestly, eyes wide and earnest as Thor always is.

Her cheeks are flushed a slight pleasant pink, but Toni clears her throat. “I—I forgave you for that,” she says quickly. “You know that.”

“But I didn’t apologise properly or relay to you how deep I regretted my actions,” Thor tells her. “I did not deserve your forgiveness.”

“I didn’t care,” Toni confesses to Thor before she can stop herself. “You—you could have left me bleeding out. Cracked apart my bones, even taken out the arc reactor, and I would have forgiven you in a heartbeat.”

Shit, she hadn’t meant to say that all out loud.

How Rogers had lowered her standards, she thinks disparagingly. Turned her into some desperate, needy thing. Toni thinks of Siberia, her heart thudding in her chest, before she swallows thickly, something in her throat. Her soulmark aches heavily, and when Stephen’s cloak lingers close towards her, sensing her fear, Toni touches it, starving for some comfort. Thor is staring at her, his eyes wide.

His voice is hoarse. “Toni—,”

“I just meant—it’s fine,” Toni says, flushing hotly. “Thanos, then. How do we deal with him?”

Bruce clears his throat. “They—his Black Order, his Children. They killed everyone,” he says, his fingers shaking. “Thanos. He’s a plague, Toni.”

“I know,” she mutters, as Loki’s gaze turns to her sharply, her soulmark burning in reminder. Toni turns to meet Loki’s eyes and narrows them, something starting to click slowly in her head. When she speaks, her voice is thoughtful and quiet, though it echoes. “He sent you, didn’t he? During New York.”

Thor’s head turns sharply, but Loki’s lips quirk upwards. “I’m impressed,” he says. “How did you know that?”

“He sent you, because he was still chained,” Stephen says, joining the dots that Toni drew out for them, his eyes wide. “Wong always said you were brainwashed or something. Shit, now I owe him twenty dollars.”

“It’s an absolute pleasure to hear that my severe torture by a Mad Titan and vain attempts to rally you useless idiots into something resembling a defence strategy have been met with such sympathy,” Loki hisses, and Toni thinks she must be out of her mind, but the god actually looks hurt.

“Loki—,” Thor begins, his eyes wide. “Why did you never tell me?”

“Please,” Loki says, going back to his usual derision. “Spare me your concerns, Thor.”

He looks an awful lot like he wants those concerns, Toni thinks to herself. She hits the fraying board once more with the hammer, eyeing it carefully as no more sparks clatter across the place. It’s an absolutely fantastic piece, and even though she knows it will likely never happen, she burns to go through the whole thing, to pull it apart, and simply _explore_.

“Fixed,” she says, lifting her head. When there’s a slight sound of sparks crashing apart, Toni gives a sheepish grin. “ _Now_ , it’s fixed.”

Valkyrie is eyeing her. “The Grandmaster would love you,” she comments idly, as Thor shakes his head.

“The Grandmaster will never know Toni,” he says firmly. “She is under my protection, as is Earth. Though Toni is protection enough all by herself.” He looks proud as he speaks, sparking a slight warmth in Toni’s chest. “She is Earth’s Mightiest Defender. Iron Woman.”

“That means absolutely nothing to me,” Valkyrie says, “but here’s to you, then, Toni.”

Toni is grinning at the woman, as Valkyrie inclines her head before clinking her bottle with the top deck. Her smile falls when she sees the woman polish off two bottles in two minutes.

“I want your liver,” she says, staring.

“I know a place,” Valkyrie tells her. “Won’t come cheap, though.”

She’s ashamed to say that she’s actually half tempted, but Stephen is speaking. “Out of the question,” Stephen is saying, his gaze strict on Bruce and Loki. “Destroying the Time Stone would destroy all time and reality as we know it. We would be doing Thanos’ job for him.”

“Just an idea,” Loki says with a smooth ease. His eyes linger on Toni uncomfortably. “That’s all.”

“Besides,” Thor says brightly, “the Tesseract is destroyed. It was on Asgard when Ragnarok was triggered by Surtur and now it is dust. Thanos will never be able to complete the gauntlet.” His gaze turns to Loki, something shifting in his face. “Loki, what have you done?”

“Why do you automatically assume—,”

“What have you _done_?”

Toni watches as Loki waves his fingers, before a familiar, glowing box appears within his hand. Her stomach drops at the sight of it, the whispers of the stone filling the air around them, and she goes cold all over, staring at the blue space stone.

“This is why I said we should have floated him out of the airlock,” Valkyrie says and lazily bats aside the gleaming blade Loki sends her way.

“Stop stabbing people, you little shit,” Thor snaps at Loki. “Why didn’t you tell me you still had this?” Loki only shrugs, his eyes bright, as his brother groans. “It takes an enormous amount of power to destroy one of the infinity stones.”

“But is it possible?” Toni asks.

It hadn’t been an option before, because Stephen needed the time stone and Vision had to live. But the _Tesseract_ could be destroyed. To her relief, Thor nods.

“I could have done it with Mjolnir,” he says regretfully. “But she is—,” He breaks himself off, that same sad look on his features, before Thor looks back up at them again, summoning a cheerful grin to his lips. “We’d have to go to Nidavellir and forge another hammer in the heart of the dying star.”

“Sounds doable,” Toni says brightly. “Where is this Nivadelir?”

“Nidavellir,” Loki corrects, as he shifts, hands lifting up. “And I don’t think it’s an option right now.”

As the god waves his hands in some complex pattern, magic pours from his fingers to craft a flickering screen. Toni stares at the large planet carved out on the screen, her brows furrowing together. Not Earth, she thinks, as her jaw drops at the screaming, terrified aliens. They’re running away from something, and the fear on their faces reminds Toni of the alien invasion on Earth.

“That’s Xander,” Loki tells them. “Thanos knows they hold the power stone.”

“So, he’s going to this place?” Toni asks. She tastes the name in her mouth, scrambling to grab a hold of herself at even the reminder of space once more. “Xander?”

Maybe she can stop this before it even starts. Besides, it’s her fault and Toni’s nothing if not experienced in cleaning up her messes. Bruce is looking at her carefully, looking a little concerned, his brows furrowing together. He’s tried to ask after what’s been happening on Earth, but Toni continues to shut down his curiosity-laden questions, her stomach flipping uncomfortably. 

“Toni,” Bruce says. “You can’t be serious. Going after Thanos—he’s—he’ll kill you—he’ll—,”

He’s starting to breathe hard, his eyes wide with some panic, and Toni remembers Thor telling her that the Hulk had attacked Thanos and for once, the Hulk had been the one screaming in pain. They’d barely managed to salvage themselves and flee on the ship and the Hulk hadn’t surfaced since. As Bruce’s face creases in a familiar alarm and pain, it’s on the tip of her tongue to be a little shit. To say, _I’m not that kind of doctor._

But Bruce is distraught, so Toni reaches for him.

She is careful around him. It takes everything within her to accept the closeness, her arc reactor gleaming brightly, reminding her of her own vulnerability as she forces herself to breathe. Toni’s voice is muffled when she speaks.

“Hey there, Bruce, you’re alright,” she tells him, her voice a soft murmur. “You’re with all of us here, it’s alright. You’re okay, trust me. I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, you know that.” Some green fades across Bruce’s face, but Toni refuses to react. “Hey, Brucie. It’s me. You’re alright?”

Bruce breathes hard as he nods, staring at her. “How’d you get so good at that?” he mutters, though he doesn’t seem to be looking for an answer, to her relief. “I can’t—I wouldn’t be any use—,”

“No,” Toni tells him quietly, giving him a soft, reassuring smile. “If you don’t want to come with me, I won’t make you, I swear it. You’ll sit this one out, you and Hulk both. You can go to Nid—Nad—Niveler.”

“Nidavellir,” Bruce corrects, but there’s more colour in his cheeks as he smiles back at her.

Toni straightens, flushing a little at the intense gaze Loki seems willing to subject her to. “You, as well, Strange,” she tells the wizard, who only nods towards her in acknowledgement, as she checks to make sure that he’s alright with the arrangements. “You can take the Tesseract with you, too. Thanos’ children are all dead, so we won’t be ambushed that way, and when we meet him, I’d like to only have one stone at risk.”

“You’re not going alone,” Valkyrie says. “I always hated Thanos, so hey, why not? It’ll be another adventure. And Xander has good booze.”

Thor clasps Toni’s arm, mindful of the gauntlets. “Then we shall give you both the finest—and only—pod we have left. It will take you straight to Xander, safely,” he tells them. “Please, try to leave some of Thanos for me.”

A harsh smile slides across Valkyrie’s face. “Can’t promise anything,” she says, and Toni decides that she really does like this woman.

Loki clears his throat. “Not both,” he says, his eyes on his brother. “I’m going with them, too.”

Toni watches Thor’s face go through a multitude of emotions. Shock, to worry and blinding concern, to confusion, to acceptance. “Alright, brother,” Thor says, and it’s clear, from Loki’s face, that the Trickster God hadn’t expected that response. “If that is what you wish.”

“If he tries to stab us, I have permission to stab him back,” Valkyrie says.

Loki grimaces. “I am beginning to reconsider my position,” he tells them, but he makes no move to go to Thor’s side, and Toni realises, slightly bewildered that Loki is trying to joke. What universe has she been knocked into?

Valkyrie only rolls her eyes, the cloak brushing against Toni’s cheeks comfortingly. “Alright, so where did you get that armour from?” she asks Toni interestedly. “I’ve never seen anything like it and I’ve seen most of this shitty universe.”

“Or the bars they had to offer,” Loki mutters and a small grin blooms across his face as he reaches to pluck the blade from the air.

Toni begins to wonder if she’s made a terrible mistake.

.

.

She starts to feel the lingering effects of the fight when they’re safely locked inside the pod and out in space, hurtling towards Xander.

Toni’s head grows heavy and dizzy as she rests it discreetly against the headrest, but she’s unable to keep the pained moan from her mouth. She’s still shaking and Toni _wishes_ that Rogers had finished the goddamn job, because she wanted to hear her mother sing again, wanted it so badly that she would even go back to the pain over and over again. Valkyrie turns her head immediately, as Toni tenses, barely holding herself back from flinching away from the sharp motion. Loki’s eyes are sharp and careful and when he speaks, his voice is accusatory.

“Why were you lying?” he demands, voice icy.

“Huh?” Toni blinks blearily, her soulmark aching.

“You lied to Thor, when you said that all was well on Earth,” Loki tells her. “I have seen most of what you have all done. All my handiwork, _ruined_. You stupid Avengers are barely hanging on by a thread.” His voice raises a little in his anger. “You had _one_ job. I land on Earth, assemble the Avengers for Thanos, and you promptly destroy all of my hard work.”

Toni glares at him. “Why didn’t you call me out, then?” she snarls fiercely.

Something flitters briefly through Loki’s eyes, then. “Thor has gone through enough,” he says tightly, and Toni arches an eyebrow, vaguely surprised. “I didn’t think it appropriate to tell him that all his stupid friends are breaking apart the team I so carefully chose together—,”

“ _Fuck off_ ,” Toni snarls at him. “I did everything for them—,”

“Not enough, clearly, because you’re all fractured apart, for some stupid reason as this Accords rubbish—,”

“The Accords are good, asshat,” Toni bites back furiously, as Valkyrie swigs some more drinks and Toni wonders vaguely if it’s a good idea to have their pilot completely hammered, before Loki’s yelling in her face again. She continues, as Valkyrie crows, “If your panties are in such a twist because of me, maybe we’ll open the airlock for you, you overdramatic little shit—,”

“A piece of paper shouldn’t have been enough to ruin you idiots,” Loki shouts back at her angrily. “But I should have known better than to put my faith in simpletons from fucking Earth—,”

“Fuck you,” Toni snarls at him, as she rips apart the seatbelt, pushing herself off her seat. She can’t stand even looking at his smug face for a moment, wanting nothing more than to claw his face, but she’ll opt for leaving, instead. “I did everything for them, and they killed me anyway!”

There’s a small silence that lingers after her words and as Toni stands, she finds herself getting dizzy. Valkyrie is eyeing her carefully, her brows furrowed together in concern, as she unclasps her own seatbelt slowly.

“You don’t look so good,” she says lowly. “Maybe you should sit before you faint.”

“I’m not going to faint,” Toni says stubbornly, before she promptly crumples to her knees.

When Valkyrie moves towards her, Toni tries to bat her away, citing that she’s fine by herself. Loki’s gaze has narrowed towards her, lowering somewhere down around her arms, and Toni’s stomach drops when he speaks.

“You’re bleeding,” he points out, brows furrowed together.

“No, _you’re_ bleeding,” Toni says deliriously.

“Right, that’s it,” Valkyrie mutters, reaching steadily to grab Toni’s arm. “I’m not having you bleed out on the floor here.”

It takes everything within Toni not to flinch from the woman, as Valkyrie takes them through the small ship to seat her down at the table. When the woman tries to unlatch the gauntlets, Toni shakes her head tiredly, the movement giving her a blinding headache as she winces.

“No, no touch—,”

“I’m going to have to,” Valkyrie points out. “You’re bleeding out. Last time I checked, Terrans don’t do well with blood loss.”

“We don’t,” Toni tells her happily, but she frowns at her gauntlets. “They’ll heal by themselves. Before it opens again. A circle. It won’t stop.”

Valkyrie is watching her carefully. “I think you’re even more messed up than me,” she mutters to herself. “Alright, then, I’m going to do this without opening up these fancy things, okay? Is that alright with you, princess?”

“Peachy,” Toni says, aiming a sloppy smile at her. She blinks blearily, as Valkyrie pulls out several boxes of bandages. “Alien medicine. Cool.”

“And expensive,” Valkyrie mutters, tearing apart a bandage with her teeth. “Hold still for me.”

“I got beat up for the first time in MIT,” Toni tells Valkyrie deliriously as she helps fix her injuries up. “ _Properly_ beat up. Rhodey says that the way Howard used to grab me apparently counts as abuse or shit. I don’t know. Anyway, some jealous assholes jumped me after I showed them up in class. Not my fault these idiots didn’t know basic math. They broke three of my ribs before they realised I was like fifteen and Rhodey found me. My hero. He stayed—stayed. Like he promised.” There’s a dopey smile on her face. “ _Pinkie_ promised.”

“You’re a talkative one, aren’t you?” Valkyrie says.

“Should shut up, I know. Pepper—people always say I talk too much.” Toni sighs heavily.

Valkyrie eyes her. “Nah,” she says. “I like it. It’s always too quiet around these places. For a Terran, you’re not so bad.”

Toni shakes her head. “No. ‘M the worst.” She breathes out heavily, her eyes drifting closed. “Did something terrible.”

The sound of Valkyrie’s voice lingers with her as Toni finds herself sinking into oblivion. “Haven’t we all?”

.

.

Xander is all but decimated when they finally get there.

Toni’s eyes are wide around the place. She’s feeling better and more well rested after having slept for more than half the journey. Alien medicine works wonders, she’s decided, but she’s stumped on exactly what she’d said to Valkyrie that’s made the woman turn a little softer towards her. And Loki doesn’t seem to annoy her so much as usual.

Xander is in the dust, dead aliens dropped around the ground, making Toni’s stomach turn. Thanos left nothing behind, and even the large glowing sun seems to have faded. It’s a beautiful city, with sharp white buildings, or rather, it once _was._ Now, it is reduced to a wreck, Toni thinks, her heart aching sadly for the place. She’s reminded vividly of New York when she looks at it. Something in the sheer enormity of the place.

“Power stone’s not gone yet. But I can’t get a trace on it,” Loki says, closing his eyes in confusion. He huffs out an irritated breath, before he takes a sharp inhale. “They’re coming—,”

“Who?” Valkyrie demands as Toni strengthens the Iron Woman suit around her tightly. “Go on, green boy, make yourself useful for once—,”

“The Black Order.”

Toni’s heart hammers. “But they’re dead—,”

“Who came to Earth?” Loki demands.

“Squidward and—and Cull Obsidian. Ebony Maw,” Toni corrects quickly. “Is that not all of them?”

Valkyrie swears hotly, tamping up her own gauntlets, electricity and sparks crackling around it. She shakes her head, tensing automatically as she cocks her head. “He’s got two more. Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive,” she tells her. “Both of them have racked up thousands of kills between them.”

“He really knows how to pick them, doesn’t he?” Toni mutters weakly, as she tenses, keeping an eye open.

“Plus, they’re married.”

“Wait, _what_?” Toni’s eyes are wide. “How does that—you know what, that’s the least surprising thing I’ve heard today. Who am I to judge?”

Snickering a little, Valkyrie shrugs, before she turns to Loki. “You got a lock on the stone, yet, slowpoke?”

Loki snaps, “Be patient!”

“Touchy,” Valkyrie mutters, a playful smirk touching her lips when Loki scowls at her. Her face shifts immediately and a word of warning’s all they got before everything turns to chaos once more. “Look alive, Toni—,”

And then Toni is face-to-face with yet another alien who wants to kill her.

He’s a tall one, outfitted in dark armour and a rippling cape and one of the sharpest blades Toni’s ever seen. She barely manages to avoid the blow, surging out of the way as the shields erupt from the tech at her back to protect her. To her horror, the alien simply cuts through them easily with the blade and honestly, this whole day has just been a humbling one for her ego, that’s for sure.

“You must be Corvus Glaive,” Toni says, as she forms a blade of her own, lifting it up in the air to crash against Corvus Glaive’s one. “Nice to meet you. I’m Toni Stark. Where’s Dad? Or your father-in-law? Which do you prefer?”

“ _The_ Toni Stark,” Corvus Glaive snarls out, driving her back into the ground as Toni struggles to hold her own. She’s never been adept at sword work, after all. “Ebony Maw was enamoured with you.”

“First of all, ew,” Toni manages to get out. “Second—,”

She breaks herself off, ducking down to lunge towards the others, her eyes wide. Valkyrie is holding her own against another alien woman, who must be Proxima Midnight. Her dark blue hair ripples out around her as she moves, swift as anything, her spear a blur in her fingers as Valkyrie attacks. It’s hard to tell who’s winning, because they’re both so evenly matched, but Toni figures Valkyrie’s doing well anyway.

Loki, on the other hand, seems to have gone missing. Typical, Toni thinks, as she avoids another blow from Corvus Glaive.

“Second?” Corvus Glaive smirks at her, the blade flashing in the air as he twirls it around. “You cannot plead for your life, Stark. Father gave you a choice and you chose wrong. You fool.”

Toni barely manages to avoid getting stabbed again, her breaths fraught, as she moves swiftly, thinking fast. She’s quick on her feet, nimble as she uses her short height to her advantage, grateful, for once, for the Carbonell short genes. Corvus Glaive can’t keep up as Toni flits around him easily, taking to the air as pieces of the Xanderian buildings start crumpling.

He slams the blade towards her, and it nicks her gauntlet slightly, the electricity fizzing badly. Toni swears hotly, before she surges forward once more, blasting her repulsors at him in a series of quick shots. When Corvus Glaive falls to the ground, it’s with a satisfying thump, and she reaches for his blade, grabbing it tightly and almost crumpling herself with the sheer weight of it.

“Shit, how do you even hold this stupid thing—,” Toni begins before a cry from Valkyrie makes her turn her head.

“Toni, watch out!”

She brings up the blade just in time for Proxima Midnight, who lets out an inhuman roar of rage at the sight of Corvus Glaive’s crumpled form. The alien woman’s three-pronged spear flashes in the air, a rupture of energy bursting from it to crash Toni against a heavy building once more. She groans in pain, the Iron Woman suit crackling around her protectively, but Toni does not let go of Corvus Glaive’s blade.

Valkyrie’s on her way, Toni can see, before Corvus Glaive starts to regain consciousness and Valkyrie is suddenly horribly detained. As Proxima Midnight nears, the spear gleaming in the air, Toni forces herself to get back up again, swearing hotly under her breath. Her body is aching and she’s sure she’s broken a few bones or something, but Toni manages to get back to her feet again.

“Guess it’s too much to ask for a two-minute break?” she tries.

“Yes,” Proxima Midnight snarls at her, raising the spear. “You are the arrogant thing who loosened our Father. I always warned him that you would turn, that you did not care. It was an _accident_.” She spits out the word as though it is poison. “Father is too kind, too merciful. I told him that you would hurt him.”

“What the fuck are you on?” Toni snaps. “You think I _meant_ to let out Thanos?”

“But of course,” Proxima Midnight says, something sharp at the edge of her smirk. “It was always fated for Father to return.”

Her brows furrow in curiosity, but before she can ask, Proxima Midnight attacks viciously. Toni ducks and dodges the blows quickly, spluttering when she knocks the spear out of the alien’s fingers. It clatters heavily to the ground, but in the next moment, it flickers and suddenly it’s back in Proxima Midnight’s fingers, securely grasped.

“Okay, that’s not fair,” Toni groans, just as Proxima Midnight slams her head against the wall heavily. She tastes blood in her mouth, as the alien snarls into her face.

Toni Stark has never begged for anything in her life.

Proxima Midnight’s smile is harsh, as she trails her spear across Toni’s arm. Blood beads up against the white, red pooling down her limbs as Toni snarls in pain. She struggles under the strength of the alien woman’s grip, an insect under the magnifying glass. The gauntlet finally clicks open, the soulmark on full display as blood pours down her arm, and Proxima Midnight’s gaze draws to it before she focuses on Toni’s face once more.

“Do it,” she whispers, a dark and vicious thing. Her eyes are bright and vindictive; she enjoys Toni squirming. “I see it in your face. Go on. Beg me to put you out of your misery, for the peace you want. All you have to do is ask.”

She’s not about to start now.

Toni aims a fierce smile at the woman, before she opens up the Iron Woman suit and raises the volume.

_“I’M GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN! OH, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN!”_

Her music is so deafening that Proxima Midnight actually stumbles back in confusion, blinking blearily, her fingers loosening around the spear. Toni takes the opportunity immediately, using her repulsor to blast the spear to pieces, shattering it apart as Proxima Midnight screams. She’s stumbling weakly as the Iron Woman suit curves around her protectively once more, breathing hard, as Proxima Midnight lunges for her murderously once more.

And just as the alien reaches for her, her eyes widen in shock and blood pours out of her mouth, a strangled, gargling thing.

Toni stares in confusion, just as a slim woman with green skin and great hair steps out of the shadows, pulling her blade out of Proxima Midnight’s back. She’s cleaning the blue blood methodically, before she points the blade swiftly back at Toni’s face. In the distance, Toni can see Valkyrie snarling at some robot guy in a red cape, over Corvus Glaive’s dead, crumpled form.

She’s utterly bewildered, taking a moment to calm herself as the place is almost overrun with more people than before. A large man with tattoos all over his yellow skin comes roaring in, followed by a green girl with fucking _antennas._ Space is so weird, and Toni did not sign up for this shit.

Even so, Toni reacts automatically to the green woman, bringing up her repulsors immediately, just as Valkyrie takes out more blades than Toni had imagined could actually fit in her suit. She has two weapons aimed at the green girl and the red robot guy, while Toni focuses on the tattooed man and the green woman, her heart hammering in her chest.

“Alright,” the robot guy says, his voice distorted slightly. Is that an American accent? “All of you shits, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! I’m sure we can figure something out—,” He breaks off, as he turns his face towards Toni. “Oh my God.”

The green woman rolls her eyes. “Quill, this is not the time—,”

“You’re Toni Stark,” he breathes, as Toni’s eyes widen.

_How did he know that?_

The green woman’s gaze turns to the crackling gauntlet at Toni’s soulmark. A spark of recognition flitters through her face as she gasps, her eyes widening with some horror.

“ _Hela_ ,” she blurts out and Toni’s soulmark grows warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are several crucial pieces of information in this chapter that will hopefully lead to a satisfying reveal soon! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you so much for reading! Have a wonderful weekend and see you on Sunday! :D


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone!
> 
> Oh my God, I loved the response from the last chapter! All of your theories are so awesome and so much better than what I actually have planned, lol, so I really hope I don't disappoint!
> 
> Hela is not Toni, though, nor is she a reincarnation, though that's a fantastic theory. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting! I really hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

Toni is dead.

Steve is still on his knees, his breaths fraught, having crumpled after the spaceship took to the air once more, the sheer force of it throwing everyone back. He closes his eyes, something tearing apart in his chest as he raises a hand to touch the soulmark at his neck, breathing hard. The arc reactor, he thinks blindingly. It was always the arc reactor.

And now, Toni is _gone_.

He saw her get hurt, saw the way she dropped.

“Steve, get up,” Bucky is telling him, his hands around his shoulders as his best friend tries to lift him up. Steve is vividly reminded of the way he’d shouldered Bucky out of Siberia. “We’ve got to go, Steve. Come on—,”

“No, we have to—we can’t—Toni—,” Steve manages to get out, his voice hoarse. “ _Toni_ —,”

“What happened?” Rhodes is shouting, hobbling out of the smoking Compound. Hope Van Dyne touches the ground clumsily, just in time for Rhodey to steady her. In the distance, one part of the Compound falls apart, the East Wing crashing to the ground, and they wince at it. “Where’s Toni? And Strange?”

Even the mention of the doctor’s name makes that old flare of resentment burn within his chest, but now Steve recognises it for what it is. He’s _jealous,_ stupid as it sounds. He’d seen the casual way Toni had joked with the wizard, the easy banter they’d somehow struck up with each other, and he’d burned to have something like that again. Why should Strange hold Toni’s friendship and care so easily when Steve had broken himself over and over, through the months, to beg at even the merest scraps of her affection?

Natasha is speaking, her voice raw and hollow. She’s ashen-faced, her arms wrapped protectively around Cooper, whose eyes are blown wide. In the distance, Steve can see Lila struggling in her mother’s arms, refusing to be calmed by Clint as she continues to tearfully demand to know where Toni is. His stomach clenches at the sight and Steve knows that he must get up.

He must be a captain, as he has promised.

But he is so very tired, and Toni Stark is dead. Nothing seems worthwhile anymore, Steve thinks, hollowed out in a deep, echoing kind of grief. Sam and Bucky are speaking, their voices quiet but fading in the echo of Steve’s mind as he continues to lift his head to where the spaceship has since vanished. To where Toni spent her last moments, he thinks and something in his stomach flips over.

Steve lifts a hand to his neck once more, the soulmark pressed into the smooth expanse of skin. He’d never been able to figure out what it had been and since waking up in the modern world, Steve had given up on finding a soulmate. If he’d ever had one, they would have certainly died in the forties, he’d thought. To think that Toni was there, all along.

“Come on, man,” Sam tells him, just as a car pulls up. “We’ve got to get up. Come on, Steve.”

Steve watches Maria Hill and Brock Rumlow race out of the car to Rhodes’ side, the leg braces gleaming in the dusted sunlight. Maria’s clamouring for answers, her eyes blown wide with panic, and though Natasha tenses at the sight of Rumlow and Bucky looks as though he might deck the man, Rumlow only asks after Rhodes’ health, after the fight, after Toni.

“Where’s Toni, Colonel?” Rumlow asks, his eyes wide. “We lost contact with her and Friday’s—,”

“Friday’s scared,” Maria says, looking concerned. “She can’t find Toni at all and—,”

Toni had found a friendship within these two, Steve thinks. And Colonel Rhodes deserves to know, above everyone else. It is with this heavy thought that he finally manages to get to his feet, his breaths heavy in his chest. He can’t stop thinking about all those past months, about how Toni is his soulmate, and how the Secretary of State knew before he ever did.

Why had Toni kept something so important from him? He understood why she would want to, after Siberia, but they’d been good friends before Siberia. Hadn’t they?

“Earth just lost her best defender,” Steve says, just as Rhodes opens his mouth to answer. His voice is heavy. “Toni—Toni’s dead.”

For a moment, they all three just stare at him. Steve is ready for all the abuse they can fling at him, because he knows he deserves it. How could he have hurt his soulmate in the way that he had? Bucky had been right, after all. His mother would have been disappointed in him.

And then Maria breaks the silence, rolling her eyes. “It’s like you don’t even know her,” she says, to Steve’s surprise.

“You’re an idiot, if you think Toni’s dead,” Rumlow says, snorting in agreement. “That woman does not die. Trust me. She’s coming back.”

Rhodes is eyeing Steve carefully, his gaze narrowed deeply. “The only time I ever thought Toni was dead was the day before I found her in Afghanistan,” he says, bending his head. When he lifts his head, his eyes are piercing. “Either, we’re going up to get her, or she’ll come back down herself.”

Maria is nodding. “We need a place for Vision. Friday says that he’s badly hurt,” she says. “I know that Toni had a couple of safe houses or something for him, but the Accords committee won’t agree to any of that right now. No country will offer to protect him, not even the US. If Toni were here, she’d make them listen, but…” She trails off, rubbing her forehead.

Steve swallows thickly as he looks around them. The Compound is falling to pieces, they all look terrible, even Natasha, and Nate is bawling. Rhodes is leaning heavily on Maria, as they speak, voices low and quiet. Steve’s sharply reminded of Toni’s absence in their company. During their usual team meet-ups and get-togethers, Steve had deeply missed Toni, but now, it’s like a gaping hole in him.

She would know what to do. Toni always knew what to do.

But it’s time for Steve to be the Captain. He clears his throat to draw their attention, lifts his shoulders to pretend at a confidence he doesn’t feel.

“I think I have a place.” He pulls out his phone and dials the number he’s never called. “Your Highness?” Steve says tightly, his throat raw with grief. “You said we could call whenever we needed you.”

.

.

Wakandan aircraft is extraordinary and as always, Steve is idly wondering how Toni would react to it.

Everything in Wakanda is beautiful and so technologically advanced, but Steve is completely at a loss when it comes to appreciating it. He knows that Toni would adore it, would grin until her eyes lit up like stars in the night sky, and she’d look at him in that way that would make his knees go weak. He knew that she’d instantly understand all of the complex technology and machinery that goes completely over Steve’s head.

Steve is looking over them all carefully, making sure that everyone is okay.

Hope is still injured, but Rumlow has managed to bind up her leg with a casual ease, with Sam watching strictly over him. Bucky all but collapsed in his seat beside Steve, though he’d exchanged a strange look with Natasha that ended up revealing how Natasha had sustained a wound to her stomach. Rhodes had checked it out, with Maria. The Bartons are here with them, too, as the cars Toni had sent had been completely demolished in the destruction of the Compound. The children are completely tuckered out, with Laura holding them tightly and Clint’s eyes roving protectively over his family.

Vision is unconscious still, in his separate bed. Friday had been a protectively fierce force when it came to the android, refusing to let any of them near him. It had taken Rhodes and Maria’s collective efforts to soothe the AI long enough for her to open up, to promise her that they’d take care of Vision.

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice is raw and rusty.

When Steve turns his head, Bucky’s eyes are fixated on his neck and Steve’s stomach drops. Though Bucky’s voice is quiet, it still echoes gently through the space of the aircraft and raises the attention of everyone around them. Out of the corner of his eye, Steve can see Rhodes lifting his head and Sam actually moves away from Rumlow to get to Steve.

“Bucky, not now,” Steve mutters, lifting a hand to rub his face.

“Then when?” Bucky demands, angrier than Steve’s ever known him. “After all of that, and you turn out to be fated to the woman who—,”

He breaks himself off, disgust rattling through his tone as Steve flinches at the venom in his friend’s voice. Bucky never gets mad at Steve, not properly. The few times he has, Steve knows that he deserves it. And he deserves all of Bucky’s wrath now.

Sam’s face is taut, serious in a way Steve has never really seen before. “Toni Stark is your soulmate,” he states.

Steve is starkly reminded of the few moments they’d had before the aliens had invaded again. They’d been in the living room of the Compound, where Natasha had called them to watch Ross’ trial, Clint crowing over the humiliated and disgraced ex-Secretary. Steve had enjoyed Ross’ humiliation too, proud of Toni for her efforts and fulfilled promises. She’d promised Ross would pay and so, he had.

When Ross started talking and the cameras spanned out to show Toni’s shocked face, Steve’s stomach had dropped. He’d said, _“Captain America himself rejected her.”_

And all Steve could do was think, stunned to his core, _I wouldn’t reject Toni Stark in a thousand lifetimes._

Natasha’s voice is soft. “I guess it all makes sense now. The way she used to look at you sometimes. Made me wonder,” she says, as Steve’s mind reels. “But the two of you would get into so many arguments and fights that I’d change my mind.”

Could it be true? Could Toni have genuinely liked him, in that way? The thought of it makes his heart skip in hope, makes his stomach drop in grief. Why had she never told him? Steve wants to despair. How much time had they wasted away, when they could have been _happy_?

Maybe, Steve dares to think, he would have told her the truth about Bucky upfront. He knows how Toni would react now, knows that she would have understood everything. Perhaps she’d have loved him enough that it wouldn’t matter.

“How’d you let a girl like that get away, Steve?” Bucky stares at him.

Sam shakes his head. “No. Why’d she never tell _you_ , Steve? What happened?” When Steve hesitates, Sam’s voice turns demanding. “You owe us the truth, Steve. You owe Toni the truth.”

In their small corner, Rhodes is looking fierce, having looked up from tending to Hope. Maria and Rumlow’s features are shifted, but there’s no surprise written in the emotions of their face, Steve can tell. Toni must have told them the truth and he wonders how Maria and Rumlow, who Toni has likely known for only a few months, could have warranted the truth when her own soulmate wasn’t worth the trouble.

“We never—we never fought Winter Soldiers in Siberia,” Steve says, and his voice cracks a little hoarsely, as Clint’s head snaps up.

Clint’s cradling Nate in his lap, his wife’s head slumped against his shoulder, but it’s easy to spot the sheer anger rippling across his features, there. The guilt buries itself deep in Steve, turns him flush with shame. He’d even apologised to Clint for it, unable to tamper down his guilt, but Clint had never known the full truth of why he’d risked his life, his families’ lives. Sam’s eyes are narrowed in confusion, but he’s nodding, as though he’d expected something like this.

Natasha takes one look at his face and swears so loud that Nate almost wakes up, Rumlow’s head snapping towards her in surprise. When it’s clear that the baby won’t wake up, Natasha speaks, her voice a dark, angered hiss.

“You didn’t tell her,” she breathes hotly. “You—you didn’t tell her. I trusted you! You promised me, Steve!” She’s looking distraught, tears brimming in her eyes, as she stares at him in horror as Steve feels ready to crumple, himself. “You promised me that you’d tell her, that it would be better coming from you, that I should leave it to you, and I—I _trusted_ you!”

He was selfish and terrible, and it broke apart everything.

Steve’s breaths hitch in despair as he breathes hard, swallowing thickly. Sam and Clint are now fierce, clamouring to know what Natasha is speaking about, as the glares Rhodes levels his way seem fierce enough to burn through his skull. In the back of his mind, Steve kind of wishes that Rhodes had pulled the trigger, that Maria could stop looking at him like she wants to kill him, and actually do it.

He doesn’t know this world and it’s turned him into something he doesn’t recognise.

Sarah Rogers would be horrified.

Steve swallows thickly and explains everything, quietly. The truth of Siberia, of Helmut Zemo’s true plan, of December 16th, 1991. How Toni’s face had crumpled in grief at the sight of her mother, how she’d backhanded him so hard he’d seen stars, how Bucky’s arm had dropped like a stone in water. His fears about Bucky’s death, about the last of his life leaving him, had come true and Steve hadn’t been able to quash his own anger.

 _He’s my friend,_ he’d tried to tell Toni.

She’d only stared back at him. _So was I._

How he had left Toni Stark choking on her own blood in an old Hydra bunker.

When he’s finished, there’s a small, heavy silence that lingers between them all, as they stare at him in sheer horror. They look at him as though he’s the monster under the bed, the bully in the playground, and Steve knows that it is true, now. Toni had offered her hand desperately multiple times and time and time again, he’d dropped it.

Natasha breathes first. “You _motherfucker._ ”

.

.

King T’Challa is good to them, as ever.

“The loss of Toni Stark will be a heavy one,” he says politely, and God, that’s true, isn’t it?

Steve’s head hurts, as he follows the king of Wakanda quietly, but it’s true. Toni is not just anybody, not just a Stark. She’s Iron Woman, she’s more than the suit. Even before Iron Woman, her place was carved out in history, her touch was felt against the entire world. And Toni just doesn’t know it, doesn’t believe it. He should have told her more.

He should have—he should have—he should have told her he loved her.

There’s a lot of things he should have done, Steve thinks to himself, his chest aching. The Wakandan king has kindly put them up in a few suites of the palace, even taking in Vision, and Steve hadn’t been surprised when none of them wanted to go with him to thank the king. When there’s a sound, Steve tenses automatically, his shoulders straightening as he prepares to move in defence.

“Relax, Captain,” Princess Shuri tells him laughingly. “It’s just me.”

He doesn’t deserve her kindness, Steve thinks. Beside her is Colonel Rhodes, who is glaring daggers at him, before they move quietly, Steve quickly making the introductions. King T’Challa seems impressed with Colonel Rhodes as Shuri babbles to him excitedly about some new shields she’s been perfecting for him and Steve tries to keep up with the conversation.

They’d struck up a good friendship over the few months King T’Challa had graciously hosted them and though the idea of a debt so large had left a bad taste in Steve’s mouth, the king had waved away his worries. King T’Challa had believed in him, in Captain America, over the rest of the world and once, Steve had been flattered and deeply honoured.

Now, he wonders how best to tell the Wakandan king how big of a mistake he has made.

“We shall leave you to rest,” the king tells him kindly, as they pause in front of Steve’s old rooms. “Colonel Rhodes, once again. An honour.”

Both brother and sister leave quietly, though Steve knows they’re likely to talk about their new visitors deep into the night. Steve wonders idly about watching the news, but he thinks better of it. News stations have gone insane, speculating worriedly about Toni Stark’s death, about the increase in natural phenomena that have been breaking out about the world. The ravens screaming up storms, the whirlwinds, the earthquakes.

It’s almost like it’s the end of the world.

“We’re going to do what Toni told us to do,” Rhodes says, his voice clipped and brokered for no argument. “Protect the stones. Keep them away from Thanos. Keep Vision safe. Is that understood?”

“Yes,” Steve says heavily. He pauses. “Colonel Rhodes, please, I—I want to say sorry—,”

“No, no,” Rhodes says, shaking his head abruptly as he cuts him off starkly. He’s glaring so fiercely Steve thinks he could give Maria a run for her money. “I know what you’re thinking, white boy. _Back off._ There is no redemption for you in this. There is no second chance. When Toni comes back, she won’t fall to your feet and you won’t run off into the sunset to live happily ever after—,”

“I know, I just—,” Steve falters. “Why did she never tell me?”

Rhodes shrugs, unsympathetic. “Her choice. You should learn to respect it,” he says snappishly. “I hear that you’re not so good at that, Rogers.”

“I know, but it’s a part of me, too,” Steve argues. “It’s my choice, too.”

His words linger in the air as Rhodes stares at him. “If Toni knew all this time,” he says slowly, “that you were her soulmate and didn’t say a word about it, why do you think she’d give a shit if you knew, too?”

Steve’s mouth goes dry, his guilt and horror burning deep within him once more. He opens his mouth to answer, before the world starts shaking again and for a moment, panic and alarm threatens to take him over again, before it’s replaced with a different emotion. Heavy resignation. He’s so very tired of having to fight—it’s all he ever seems to be doing.

“What the fuck is happening?” Clint’s voice echoes through the hall.

“Another attack,” Rhodes breathes, his eyes wide. As he turns to hurry down the hallway to notify the king, he whips his head back. Rhodes’ voice is a strict order. “Secure Vision, Rogers. If you don’t protect him with your life, I really will let Friday tear you apart.”

“Yes, Colonel,” Steve says, nodding obediently as he swallows thickly.

He’s already on his feet, racing down the hall to where Vision lies, safely ensconced in one of Shuri’s technological marvels. Steve had tried to listen to the mechanics of it all, but Shuri was a fast talker and had a tendency to expect that most people understood what she was speaking of. It brought a direct comparison to Toni, who often made an attempt to explain her ideas and thoughts excitedly in layman’s terms.

Steve had once thought it condescending and patronising; now, he knows better.

“ _Steve Rogers_ ,” comes the dark, curling whisper just as Steve skids to a stop. It’s a seductive voice, a woman’s thrall, and it sounds slightly like Toni that Steve’s heart almost pounds out of his chest. “ _Steve Rogers, where are you?”_

Whatever this new alien is, she’s looking for him, Steve realises as he tenses automatically, wishing he had his shield again. He’s already pulled out several guns out of his arsenal, shoulders stiff in defence as he keeps an eye on the coded entrance towards where Vision is, before he looks around himself carefully.

The hallway, for once, is completely empty, the large windows spanning one side of the wall to show the gleaming night, the edges of the black sky touched by soft hues of violet. Stars glitter and spark amidst the canvas, but there doesn’t seem to be a spaceship out there. There doesn’t seem to be anyone out there, Steve thinks in confusion.

“ _Steve Rogers…”_

 “Who are you?” Steve calls out. “What do you want?”

“ _Where is Toni Stark_?”

And then, as his stomach drops, a beautiful woman steps out of the dark shadows, the black shifting around her as though it was always holding her. Gleaming mass of dark curls cascading around her shoulders, drenched in a long deep green shimmering dress, the woman stares at him, tilting her head as if considering him. She’s stunning, her eyes bright and thoughtful, and though her fingers are shaking, sparks of magic cascade from her hands, sputtering a little.

Steve’s jaw drops, but he still holds his stance. “Who are you?”

“I am the goddess Hela,” she says, her voice sharp and her eyes even sharper. “Where is she? Where is Toni Stark?”

She doesn’t want Vision, she doesn’t want the infinity stones. She wants Toni, Steve thinks blindingly. His soulmark aches a little at the sight of her, as Hela’s eyes drift across his figure to settle on his neck. Something shifts in her face as she looks at his soulmark and when Steve looks at her, he thinks of madness, he thinks of a rage that blinds, he thinks of gleaming chains that threaten to swallow him whole—

He’s gasping as he turns his gaze away, realising faintly that he’s on his knees.

“What—what did you do to me?”

Hela ignores his gasping questions. “Where is Toni Stark?” she demands.

“She’s dead—,”

“No, she is _not_ ,” the goddess snarls, and glowing gold pours from her fingertips, as Steve tries to swallow. “But she will be.” Her voice is a curling thing, filled with some venom as Steve fights to breathe. This goddess is after Toni and she’ll _kill_ her. “Where is she, Steve Rogers?”

“I don’t—she’s dead, I swear it!” Steve breathes hard.

Hela eyes him. “You truly do not know,” she realises, her gaze narrowed before her eyes flash darkly. “You are her soulmated one. I will return for you, but while you wait, a _gift._ ”

Her dark curve of a smile is the last thing Steve sees.

.

.

“Steve?” The voice is soft and sweet, a familiar thing that spreads some relief to his chest. “Steve, it’s okay, you’re okay. Steve, wake up—,”

Steve wakes with a resounding gasp, his fingers scrabbling across expensive silk sheets. He surges forward, lunging at whoever was trying to raise him, automatically, fingers tight around bony wrists, his breaths coming out hard. When his vision unblurs, Steve is staring at Toni Stark, realising blindly that he’s in a _bed._ With _Toni_.

She barely seems fazed at their position, her features torn in concern as she leans in, not even bothering to fight him back. Toni lets her arms go slack, lets him grip her tight, as she looks back at him easily.

“Steve, it’s okay,” Toni tells him, patient and soft. “It’s just me. You’re alright. You’re not there anymore. You’re with me. It’s a beautiful morning and we’ve finally got the day off, because SHIELD and SI are letting us live for once, and there’s a parade and we’re—.”

“What?” Steve stares at her, but he lets go, surging back. “God, I—I hurt you—Toni, what are you—,”

Toni keeps her distance, but she shifts a little so that she’s kneeling on the bed before him, her eyes bright. She smiles at him, a blinding, beautiful thing, and Steve feels his heart skip a beat.

“I’m alright, Steve, don’t worry,” she assures him, before leaning into look at him. “Hi, there,” she says, and her smile turns playful in a way that makes Steve almost fall off the bed. “You had a bad dream, Steve, but then you woke up and I was here, and you realised just how awesome you had it—,”

Steve is laughing before he can stop himself, because mornings with Toni are always the best. She’s always finding a way to make him laugh, her playful charisma utterly irresistible, even when he wakes up, thinking he’s back in the war. She’s endlessly patient with him, soothing and careful and he’s so very grateful for her. And she looks _delicious_ in the morning light, her hair tousled and her gaze soft.

“Sorry for waking you like that,” he tells her, his voice still rough with sleep. “Are you really okay? I didn’t mean to hurt you—,”

“You never could,” Toni says as she reaches to pull him back to her, and Steve’s arms fit around Toni with a familiar, comforting ease. She touches his cheek, reaching to kiss his lips lightly. “How do you feel about pancakes for breakfast? Waffles, too, if those heathens haven’t finished them all.”

Steve’s fingers trace her soulmark affectionately, loving the way Toni gives a shiver in his arms. “I’ll fight them all if they have,” he promises her, as Toni laughs at him. “You deserve all the waffles and it’s up to me to defend my lady’s honour.”

“You sound like Thor,” she tells him laughingly, before her face turns softer and more affectionate. “I love you, Steve.”

“I love you, Toni,” he breathes, the words falling from his mouth easily.

“And,” she adds, “I’m proud of us. I know that—we were both so heartbroken before we found each other and we drove each other crazy,” Steve remembers the multiple arguments that had even Nick Fury throwing his hands up in defeat, the late nights Toni had found him nursing a bottle of wine in the kitchen, the quiet moments they’d shared in her workshop, “but we found each other and—,” Toni breaks off a little, hesitant, before she presses her fingers to his cheek, drifting briefly across his soulmark. “Steve, I’m—I think I’m _happy_.”

Steve stares at her, his heart tugging as he embraces Toni tight. “I’m happy, too, Toni,” he murmurs into her hair, as she gives a relieved sigh. “And I know you, so I know you’re going to overthink, but I’m being honest, Toni. You know I’d never lie to you, so—so, know this. When I woke up here, I thought all I ever wanted was to go back in the ice—,” she’s stilled under his arms, “but you found me, and I’ve never been happier.”

“You utter sap,” Toni tells him, beaming.

“ _I’m_ the sap?”

She bursts into giggles as Steve lunges for her, peppering kisses all over her—

 _“Steve, come back—_ ,”

Toni’s eyes are wide with mirth, as she laughs at him. “Steve, no—,”

_“Steve, this is not real—STEVE, COME BACK!”_

And when Steve wakes, he wakes, screaming, scrambling to hold Toni again, arms aching with a phantom pain. There’s an absence in his life, a hole carved in the form of Toni Stark in his heart, as he surges forward, unable to realise where he is. He vaguely recognises Wanda’s hair, as people reach forward to grab at his shoulders, to push him down, but all he wants is _Toni._

“No,” he begs breathlessly, shaking his head. “Take me back, take me back, please, _please!”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter and thank you so much for reading! I hope you all had a great weekend and see you on Wednesday! :D


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I hope you're having an awesome day! Thank you all so much for such wonderful comments and for reading the last chapter! You all surprised me so much, just like how you surprised me with Wanda, with how sympathetic you felt for Steve. 
> 
> Hela's gift meant to drive him crazy, had it not been for Wanda, so I guess I can understand it. But he also needed that kick up the backside just to feel how much he'd lost. I'm so glad that you all enjoyed the last chapter so much, thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy this one, too! :D

“Hela what?” Toni blinks.

The green woman is staring at her, fingers slack on the handle of her blade, but Toni’s not an idiot. She’s breathing hard, but she keeps a tight hold on her own arsenal, ready to attack, should the woman, who is clearly so very capable, decide to attack. She may have saved Toni from Proxima Midnight, the psycho, but there’s no telling what she wants.

And then, her gaze shifts from her bleeding soulmark to her gleaming arc reactor, as Toni’s chest heaves. She feels ridiculously vulnerable, even safely wrapped up in her Iron Woman armour, as though she’s being stripped bare by the alien before her. Toni cracks a few electric sparks through the largest repulsor, grasping it tight in her right hand.

“Hela _what?”_ she demands. “Who are you? What do you want?”

“We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy,” the guy who inexplicably knew her name says, as he rests a finger against something on his helmet. It retracts, displaying a rugged-looking man, who is staring at her. “You’re speaking to Star Lord.”

“You say that like we’re supposed to know what that is,” Valkyrie bites back, refusing to hold back on her own blades. “You sound like assholes to me.”

“Quill’s the biggest asshole in the galaxy, you’re not wrong there,” comes a gruff voice and Toni finds herself dropping her gaze to where the voice comes from.

Her jaw promptly drops, as she stares at a tree. It’s a large brown tree, moving sullenly beside the alien with antennas, playing at what looks like a GameBoy in his tree fingers. Toni can’t stop staring.

“That’s a tree,” she states dumbstruck.

“Wow, a real brainiac, this one,” says the raccoon, who is standing beside the tree. He blinks up at Toni, scowling and looking sceptical at the same time. “Are all Terrans as dumb as you or did we just get lucky?”

“ _Rocket_ —,” the green woman starts, looking exasperated.

“Raccoon,” Toni says, her voice faint. “A raccoon is talking to me.”

Is this what space is? Talking animals and moving trees? Has she been scared of the wrong thing the whole time? Valkyrie only shrugs at her, but Quill pulls back first, to the larger tattooed man’s voiced frustrations.

“Trash panda,” Quill corrects cheerfully. “We call him a trash panda.”

“Fuck off, Quill,” the raccoon says, spitting at him.

“Relax,” Quill tells them all, as the green woman finally sheathes her blade. Toni stays still and defensive. “We’re not going to hurt you. We’re all on the same side, right? Unless you were working with Thanos, instead of against him, in which case, we’ll have to get back to trying to kill each other—,”

“We’re against Thanos,” Valkyrie says, as she unclenches her own weapons and her shoulders grow slump. She eyes the green woman carefully, gaze narrowed in suspicion. “I know you. You’re his kid, aren’t you? Nebula, or something?”

Toni shifts as she manages to slowly disentangle herself out of the corner position. She moves away from the wall, from Proxima Midnight’s crumpled body, closer to where Valkyrie stands. Thor trusts Valkyrie, so Toni knows she’s trustworthy, too, but she doesn’t know these Guardians or what they’re about. And whose kid, anyway?

The green woman stiffens, but what Toni notices is the way the rest of them tense up, too, even the raccoon. They’re all shifting in defence, prepared to defend the green woman, she realises silently.

“Gamora,” the green woman corrects quietly. “My name is Gamora. You are right. I was Thanos’ daughter.”

It takes everything within Toni not to react at that, not to pull out the heaviest of her arsenal and simply attack. If Gamora wanted to kill them, just as the other Children of Thanos would, she thinks blindingly, she would have done so. She had ample time and opportunity; heck, she could have even let Proxima Midnight finish the job.

But she didn’t, and that makes a world of a difference to Toni.

Besides, she knows what a shitty father’s like.

“ _Was_?” Valkyrie picks up on the word.

Quill’s eyes flit from Valkyrie to Toni incessantly, and though he looks cheerful and relaxed, Toni can recognise the clenching of his fists, as though he’s ready to dive into a fight, should the need arise. Instead, he only nods towards them, something like curiosity flittering through his features.

“He is not my father,” Gamora says stiffly. “He stole me. I hold no compassion in my heart for him. I only wish that you had been able to hold him a little longer.”

This last statement is directed towards Toni, who blinks.

“Me?” She stares. “How could _I_ hold him? I haven’t even met the guy, if you don’t count the shitty dreams he sends my way.”

Gamora nods slowly, frowning at her. “They say you were chosen to hold him. Him and Hela both.”

“Who is this Hela?”

Valkyrie clears her throat. “Thanos’ girl,” she says, and something in Toni’s stomach curls. “Goddess of Death.”

.

.

Rocket is poking at the repulsor as Toni works on fixing the gauntlets carefully.

They’ve found a place to seat themselves beside the pod and Quill’s ship, which he proudly calls the Milano. It’s a beautiful thing and provides some solace from the burning sun, as Valkyrie tries to hunt down Loki in Xander. Toni doesn’t exactly feel very comfortable about being left with the Guardians, but they don’t seem like they’re particularly harmful. Especially as Drax keeps missing most of the jokes they keep making.

It’s a little strange to have an audience to watch her fiddle with the armour, but they don’t seem to notice the awkwardness in the air. Toni does, though she tamps it down, not wanting to rock the boat.

“Fancy stuff,” Rocket says grudgingly, “for a Terran.”

“That’s not just any Terran,” Quill says, some awe in his voice as he tries not to stare. “That’s Toni _Stark_.”

So, Quill’s from Missouri, Toni’s found out. And his limited time on Earth meant that he was exposed to some of her exploits in the earlier days, when she was just a kid making shitty circuit boards. Toni had half forgotten about her old life, startled when Quill talked enthusiastically about how he remembered watching her and her father on TV.

Mantis smiles at Toni. “Quill is a very big fan of you,” she tells her helpfully, as Toni tries not to stare at her antennas.

Drax has told her that they’re not for feeling doorways, just in case she was wondering. Toni had _not_ been wondering, but that appears to go straight over the alien man’s head.

Quill blushes. “No, I’m not,” he says defensively, but there’s a playful, resigned nature to his protests as though he knows his team won’t care for technicalities.

True to form, Drax and Rocket start making fun of him almost instantly. Toni’s lips curve upwards into a soft, helpless smile. It’s easy to see the dynamics of the Guardians, who are so comfortable with each other. It doesn’t seem like they hide away parts of themselves for the benefit of others.

Gamora leans forward, having talked to the tree, or Groot, as it likes to be called, for a few moments. Her fingers linger on the game that she’s managed to pull away from the tree, still clutching it, as Groot sulks.

“Is it true that you killed Ebony Maw?” she asks, and though her voice is quiet, Toni knows the others are listening intently. Toni nods, as Gamora gives a harsh almost-smile. “Nebula will be pleased. She hated him most.”

“Nebula is…?”

“My sister,” Gamora says. “Another adopted daughter of Thanos, though she and I were always the most defiant.”

“You guys need fucking Jerry Springer,” Toni mutters, rubbing her forehead tiredly. “And this Hela? What is she, your mom?”

“Hela?” Gamora says, tilting her head back. Her fingers slacken around the game and Groot’s head lifts up sharply. “They say she’s worse than him. Obsessed with Thanos and he with her. Both of them were wrought together, forced into chains for the survival of the rest of the universe.”

“So, his love was actually Hela? Not his children?”

“Thanos does not actually love his children,” Gamora mutters. “He’s a disease. A toxic thing. He believes his word is law.”

Toni is frowning a little, trying to think. The first voice, then, had been Hela, she thinks. But she hadn’t sounded like she was a crazy goddess, yearning for Thanos once more. There had been a sheer anguish in her voice, as she called for Toni in the dreams.

“Are you sure?” she asks. “I mean, in the dreams, Thanos was the only one who sounded… Volatile.”

Gamora eyes her carefully. “Hela is just as dangerous as Thanos, if not more so,” she says. “If they are coming for you, then you should be very careful, Stark. Even more so, as most folk know your name.”

“Quill’s a blabbermouth, then.”

“No,” Gamora says, shaking her head, though there’s an amused smile at her lips. “When the Trickster God fell into the realm Thanos and Hela had been chained into, Thanos took his mind for himself, to attack Terra—Earth. Your planet. To find the stones, and to find you.”

“Why me?” Toni asks, but Gamora only inclines her head down to the soulmark at her wrist and shrugs.

“I thought it was because you went through the skies, to decimate his army,” she says, her voice tilted with some impressed note. “But Thanos has a different idea of you. There is something he thinks you can do for him, I guess.”

“The only thing I’m doing for that prick is sending him straight back to Hell,” Toni mutters, but the reminder of New York has sent a shiver through her. She shakes her head. “Going through the skies was fucking useless. I almost died, too, and it basically did nothing. Thanos is still here.”

“You don’t know that,” Mantis says quietly. She eyes Toni in a way that makes her feel strangely bare, as though Mantis knows the beat of her heart and the strings of her emotions. She says, softly, “There is a terrible pain in you. You are lonely.”

Toni stills. “I—,”

“Your Avengers will not avenge you, you think,” Mantis says. She frowns. “Why do you think that your friends will not come for you? We came back for Quill, even though Rocket says we shouldn’t have, every time we argue.”

“You have teammates?” Rocket says. “Where are they?”

“They’re called the Avengers.” Loki’s voice echoes. “And they’re all fucking dumbasses.”

Toni rolls her eyes, just as Gamora gets to her feet and Rocket cocks his gun, aiming it into Loki’s face. The Trickster God only looks amused and she mutters, “Overdramatic motherfucker.”

As they calm each other down and introduce Loki to the sceptical Guardians, Toni watches Drax yawn and Mantis almost starts napping, resting her head on his large shoulder. She stares at Gamora, utterly bewildered, who is only looking over them with a slight fond look, but Quill is already shifting defensively in front of Loki, a protective figure in front of his team.

Toni knows that Loki won’t do anything, mainly because Valkyrie is standing by, simply itching to knock him out, but she’s still a little startled to see the sheer trust and confidence the Guardians have in each other. There’s an ease to their interactions that have been clearly, slowly built up, leading to something that looks like a family.

They found in each other what Toni had been burning for, all these years, she thinks.

“We bait him out on Titan, with the stone,” Loki is saying, as Toni’s eyes linger on the power stone as it remains, encased within Loki’s magic. “I’ll kill him, and the rest of you can applaud my genius.”

Valkyrie uses her glove to hit him over the side of the head. “Stop being an idiot,” she says. “We’re not baiting anyone.”

“Besides, you don’t have such a great track record,” Toni points out, her eyes narrowed. Even so, he has a point, she thinks. “Which is why you’ll take the stone to Thor.”

“Come again?”

“You’re the best equipped out of all us to get across space to Thor, who can destroy it with his hammer,” Toni mutters, thinking out her thoughts. “Our first priorities are to make sure Thanos doesn’t get the stone, regardless of anything else. No banter, no wasting time. Just destroy them all.” She lifts her head to meet Valkyrie’s gaze, before turning her head to look at Loki. “And in the meantime, we make sure Thanos isn’t on your heels.”

“And how do you expect to do that?” Rocket demands.

“By offering _ourselves_ up as bait.”

Rocket stares at her. “Being an idiot is one of the requirements of a Guardian,” he says, before squinting at her. “You _sure_ you’re not one of us?”

.

.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Quill says enthusiastically when they land on Titan.

Toni stares at the large red planet before her, having almost flown off the confining Milano. There’re so many people on the ship and the constant reminder of space takes away the beauty of the actual spaceship. She’d talked briefly with Rocket over a few of the logistics the ship requires, but it’s Quill, who knows most of the mechanics of the old thing.

Titan is a dusted place, but there’s a certain strange type of beauty to it, nonetheless. The mountains are large and crackling, the sun’s gold edge lining the dust in the air around them. Even so, the idea of all-encompassing space and the stars still gleaming above them in the sky makes her stomach swoop uncomfortably.

“It’s… something,” she manages to get out, her voice slightly strangled.

Gamora’s eyes are on her, but it is Mantis, who speaks. “You are scared.”

As Toni stills, wondering if this strangely empathetic alien will start analysing her again, she opens her mouth, but Quill is the one to speak quickly. “Mantis,” he says, and though he’s not chiding, there’s still something strict in his voice. The voice of a leader. “What did we talk about? Boundaries, man.”

“People like boundaries and privacy,” Mantis says, nodding quickly. She offers a quick, apologetic smile to Toni. “I am an empath. I can sense emotions and feelings, but Peter says some people don’t feel comfortable when I tell them about it. I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry.”

She’s staring at the alien, her eyes wide, before Toni blinks and nods awkwardly. “Thanks,” she says. “Uh, it’s okay.”

“So, how are we supposed to know Thanos is coming, because I have to take a leak when he does,” Rocket says, as Drax snorts.

Gamora is the only one who does not look amused. “He will come,” she says, her brows pushed together in concern.

She’s eyeing Quill carefully and when she pulls Quill away to quietly talk to him, Toni’s gaze lingers briefly on the two. Drax tells her that Quill’s deepest and darkest secret is his love for Gamora. Aliens don’t have soulmarks, to her surprise. They’d been enamoured with hers, even Valkyrie, but Toni had had to crush their disappointment when she refused to let them see her soulmark. Quill says he has one, but he won’t talk about it, and Toni had let it be, watching the way his eyes followed Gamora all the way.

“Those idiots,” Rocket mutters, rolling his eyes after the two.

Toni eyes the raccoon carefully, before clearing her throat. “You have no idea how lucky you are,” she mutters, just as she fiddles with her sparking gauntlets.

“The raccoon is right,” Valkyrie says. “How are we supposed to know if the purple grape’s gonna show—,”

_“She walks in beauty, like the night_ ,” comes the deep voice, as Toni immediately shifts into a defensive stance. “ _Of cloudless climes and starry skies. And all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes.”_

She’s moved instinctively in front of Groot and Rocket, the Iron Woman armour forming around her. Drax and Mantis have taken their positions, out of sight where they’d planned, while Valkyrie is in her defensive stance, pushing her own gauntlets together as they sputter and sizzle briefly. Rocket is already hissing into the communications device for Gamora and Quill to stop smooching and get into place, grinning at their protests.

“Great, he recites shitty poetry, too,” Rocket mutters, as Toni barely manages to hold in an amused snicker.

But when she lifts her head to look at Thanos, there is no amusement there.

She’d been making so many jokes and quips about the purple thumb and there’s nothing funny about it now. The Mad Titan is a large beast of a man, his bulk heavier than even Drax, and when he walks the path they’d been on, just a few moments previous, Toni’s heart almost stutters to a stop. His head is completely bald, the deep purple gleaming in the light of the sun, his right hand encased in the gold gauntlet. When he looks around, his eyes are dark and intelligent.

Toni tries not to shake in fear, swallowing hard as the Titan walks slowly.

He’s had this coming a long time, she thinks to herself, and her soulmark warms brilliantly. How many times had his voice terrorised her in her dreams? Thanos had grabbed at her in New York, had latched onto her like a plague, and he’d never let go, like the bastard he was.

And then Valkyrie attacks, hard and fast.

She’s a blur in the air as she moves, twisting her body swiftly as the sparks of electricity cascade around her gauntlets and for a moment, she’s pulled Thanos down to his knees. Toni doesn’t waste a moment, launching herself forward into the fray, as she flies up and starts blasting at Thanos with her repulsors, the reverberations shaking the entire planet.

She has enough firepower to level an entire city.

Toni uses it all on Thanos relentlessly.

Rocket is firing off a dozen shots, roaring, Drax beside him slashing at Thanos with a murderous rage, as they manage to form a safe path for Mantis. Toni is up in the air when she sees Thanos’ eyes gleam, as he howls, and when Valkyrie is thrown back into a large mountain, the mountain itself crumbles apart, leaving Valkyrie groaning amidst the smoking ruins.

Toni dives forward without hesitation, taking up Valkyrie’s position quickly, her soulmark burning up a storm. It’s almost distracting, the way it feels as though her flesh itself is peeling apart, as though she’s on fire, but she fights on, swallowing thickly. Thanos is throwing moon after moon at them all, but mostly towards her, as Toni fumbles to duck and dodge in the air.

She swerves heavily, forcing herself to withstand the distraction, and snarls, “If you throw another moon at me, I’m gonna lose it.”

Thanos’ head snaps towards her at the sound of her voice and his gaze is piercing.

When he lifts his hand, almost insultingly lazily, Rocket and Drax are thrown back against rocks, just as Quill lets out a shout. He dives forward to protect them, his helmet forming back swiftly around his face. Gamora is there, too, and Toni gets to see her in action, as she shifts and moves faster than the eye can see, attacking Thanos with a fierce fury.

Thanos bats them away as though he would a particularly irritating fly and simply lifts his head to look at her.

“I know you,” he says, his voice filled with some startled awe. “Toni Stark in the flesh. An honour.”

“Oh my God, go _away_ ,” Toni mutters, but when she lunges forward, her soulmark _howls_.

Thanos has lifted the gauntlet, the gleaming gold sparking towards her wrist and Toni screams in pain, the fire seemingly taking over her entire body. The gauntlet cracks apart instantly, the pressure too much for it to bear as the metal shatters into piercing shards, and the pain is blinding. Toni is thrown back by the sheer power that emanates from Thanos, from whatever he’s doing to the soulmark, almost crying in pain.

Her head is splitting and when she crashes heavily into the dirt of the planet, the Iron Woman suit cracks apart around her. Her arc reactor screams in pain, secured in her chest, as the Iron Woman suit crackles and splutters helplessly on the ground. She’s left all by herself, Toni Stark crumpled on the ground, a helpless, stupid thing, as her soulmark bleeds itself apart.

When she lifts her head, scrambling to push herself to her feet, she’s startled to see Thanos is _kneeling._

“My love, my lady,” he breathes, his voice deep and powerful. “My Hela.”

And Toni stares as a stunningly beautiful woman shakes her hair back to stare back at Thanos regally. _Hela_ , she thinks blindingly, her heart thudding in her chest, remembering what Gamora had said about the goddess of Death. They were all going to _die_ , she realises hotly.

Hela says something then, some magic twisting in her shaking fingers, and as the unfamiliar language echoes around them, Toni can see Thanos’ brows furrow together. The Titan is lunging forward for something, Gamora’s cry echoing through the air, before Hela is falling forwards to her knees, spluttering for air as she gasps out hacked breaths.

“He is gone,” Hela gasps out weakly, and true to her word, Thanos is _gone_.

But Toni’s not focusing on that. Her gaze is fixed on the goddess, her breaths hitched, and her soulmark screaming.

Because Hela’s voice sounds exactly like the voice in her dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could not genuinely stop myself from making Thanos recite some of my favourite lines, lol! He's imagining reciting this to Hela, by the way, so I hope you enjoyed that!
> 
> And Hela is finally here. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thank you so much for reading! :D


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and for your lovely comments on the last chapter! I know that I left a lot of you confused, so I really hope that this chapter will explain and give some much-needed answers. It's been thirty chapters but we're here, lol. 
> 
> I really hope that you like it! :D

Quill is distraught, screaming for Gamora, as they all fight to catch themselves.

Toni is still bleeding out in the dirt when Valkyrie comes to her side, her gaze turning towards Hela in bewildered disbelief before it turns back to Quill, heartbroken. Hela is curled over on the ground, on her knees, just the same as Toni, as she struggles to breathe, and though Rocket and Drax and Mantis are perched defensively, protectively around her, ready to attack, should Hela even move the wrong way, Hela doesn’t seem as though she might be willing to move.

“Gamora,” Quill is moaning. “He took her—he took—,”

“We’ll get her—we’ll get her back,” Toni tries to promise, choking hotly as she breathes hard. She’s scrambling to get to her feet, her chest aching and her soulmark burning up a storm, as Quill drops to his knees beside her. “Quill, it’s going to be—,”

“You don’t understand,” Quill says sadly, shaking his head, as he tries, his fingers shaking, to help Toni to her feet. His next words make her stomach drop. “They’re going to where the soul stone is. Gamora—Gamora _knows_.”

“He has the power stone, too,” Hela says, her voice cracking apart. “He intercepted Loki.”

Toni shifts, just as Valkyrie spins on one foot to level a blade at Hela’s face. “Don’t move, lady,” she instructs coldly. “First of all, why would you be so stupid, to save your boyfriend and leave yourself here?”

“He is _not_ my boyfriend,” the goddess snarls threateningly. Hela’s eyes are piercing and cold, as she straightens. Though she is still on the ground, she lifts her head, regal as any lady. “You are a foolish thing indeed, Asgardian, if you think holding the likes of me against your petty metals will do a thing,” she says darkly, magic sparking at the tips of her fingers.

Her breathing is coming hard as Toni scrambles to snatch up her gauntlet, not liking the feel of being vulnerable while everyone else around her hold their weapons. But Hela’s gaze turns to the noise, falling on Toni’s face first before her eyes turn to the bleeding soulmark at her wrist. Something in the lady’s features softens, to Toni’s continued bewilderment, and when she speaks, her voice is inexplicably even softer.

“Toni Stark,” Hela says, her voice cracking, staring at her. Around her, everyone tenses in defence, Rocket even cocking his gun threateningly, but Hela bows her head. Her voice breaks when she speaks. “I am sorry.”

Toni stares at her. Whatever she’d been expecting the goddess to say, it certainly wasn’t _that._

“What?” she blurts out heavily, barely able to get to her feet.

She leans heavily on Valkyrie as the woman helps her up, her entire body aching in pain, and blood drips slowly out of her open soulmark, Hela’s gaze catching it. Why would the goddess apologise to her? Is this a trick? A trap? Her mind reels at the idea of it, as her gaze turns around to watch them carefully, as though Thanos might be hiding behind a red mountain, simply waiting to crush them all.

But there’s a strange vulnerability torn apart in Hela’s face when she looks at Toni.

A familiarity in the way she voices her name, in the sound of her voice. It truly was her voice that Toni had heard in her dreams. A voice, broken apart and desperate, much like how Hela sounds right now. Either the goddess is a great actress or she’s telling the truth.

“I’m sorry I chose so wrong for you,” Hela says, as Toni stills. There is a guilt writhing on the goddess’ features, as she ignores the rest of them all and focuses only on Toni. “If I had, for even a second, known that—if I even suspected that he would do that to you, I would have left him to rot in the ice.”

Steve, Toni thinks blindingly. She’s talking about _Rogers_. Her soulmate.

“I don’t—I don’t understand,” Toni manages to get out, her voice hoarse and raw.

“You don’t know if she’s telling the truth, Toni,” Quill says fiercely. “Besides, we’ve got to save Gamora—,”

“It is too late for her,” Hela snaps at him angrily, as Rocket snarls, hissing at the goddess. “Touch me, you filthy animal, and I will tear you limb from limb. I may be losing my magic, but I am still well versed in the arts of butchery.” She lifts her head, something desperate writhing in her features, as she stares at Toni. “You must listen to me, Toni. I will explain everything, but first, you must allow me hide you from Thanos. I found you with great trouble, just in time, but you will die if I don’t do this.”

“How can we trust you?” Valkyrie demands.

“I cast him away with the few pieces of magic I had left when I got out, even with the limitations I have been held under. Risked my own life and limb for the likes of you,” Hela says fiercely. “What more could you ask of me?”

Drax brings his knife closer to Hela’s throat, growling fiercely. When he speaks, his voice is angrier than Toni ever heard him and when she looks at the angered alien, she’s briefly grateful she never sought his wrath.

“All we saw was you letting Thanos steal Gamora away, when we _had_ him,” Drax says angrily.

Hela chuckles humourlessly, the sound sharp and mocking. “Believe me, Destroyer,” she says drily. “You did not have him. He was playing with you.”

Toni pauses, her heart aching. Her soulmark is still burning, but her gaze catches the soft, lingering branches of a tree. Groot, she realises quietly, turning her head to eye the tree as it forms a small branch towards Rocket. For a moment, Toni thinks Groot is trying to comfort Rocket, but the tree moves past the raccoon, to her surprise, and Hela’s shaking fingers caress the branch quietly.

“Mantis?” she murmurs. “Are we making Hela uncomfortable?”

Mantis’ eyes are wide as she nods. “She is very frightened,” she says. “And very weak. She is telling the truth.” She points at Toni. “And she cares for you, very much.”

Her brows furrow together in confusion, but Hela is only lifting her head a little defiantly, refusing to apologise for her feelings. Toni breathes hard, before nodding towards the others.

“It’s on you if she kills us all, Stark,” Rocket snaps at Toni angrily.

His vitriol makes Quill snap back at him. “Don’t be a shit, Rocket—,”

“Gamora’s gone, asshole—,”

“And we’re going to get her back!” Quill says fiercely. Something passes in the look they share and Quill repeats, his voice turning a little softer, “We’re going to get her back.”

Rocket clears his throat, ducks his head. He jerks his head apologetically towards Toni, but all he says is, “We better.”

.

.

“Thanos is chasing after me,” Hela says. “He wants to make me his. He wants to bind me to him.” She inclines her head towards Toni’s soulmark. “Through that. Gods and Titans do not hold soulmarks. Thanos believes it is a sign of the deepest love and devotion.”

They’re on the Milano, hurtling through space to get to Gamora in time. Toni has a very bad feeling when it comes to Gamora and Thanos, her stomach clenching, but she continues to do her bit to comfort an almost frantic Quill. Quill won’t stop pacing, can barely relax. Right now, Drax is trying to get him to take some rest as he takes the wheel for a moment.

“What a fucking dumbass,” Valkyrie says, her voice only a little slurred as she snickers into her bottle.

“How does he think he’s going to get a soulmark?” Toni asks, her brows furrowed. “Where did soulmarks even come from? Why do we only have them?”

Her fingers itch for a pencil or anything to take notes, and to her surprise, Hela lifts her fingers. When a small notebook and pencil falls to her lap, Toni’s eyes are wide as Hela gives her a small smile.

“I may have very limited magic left, but I can do this for you, at the very least,” she offers quietly. Hela’s voice is soft as she explains, fondness in her features. “Soulmarks are a gift from the gods. Years ago, when the Titans and the gods ruled the universe, humans were arrogant things, as they are now. They were whole and complete with their souls intact, powerful and cocky with their desires. They yearned for the position of the gods, of the Titans themselves. Some say they might have almost made it, had Kronos not grown jealous. Kronos was the—,”

“The Golden Titan,” Toni says, remembering Hope’s storybook.

Hela gives her an encouraging smile. “Exactly,” she says. “The Golden Titan and Gaia, the Mother Goddess, ruled over us all. Under their rule, the universe moved smoothly, calmly. When Earth’s people grew overreaching and almost succeeded in their attempts to reach for the stars, for even Kronos’ throne, Kronos grew jealous. In his rage, he cut people apart from their souls.”

“So, how’d Terrans get soulmarks then?” Rocket asks, filching one of Valkyrie’s bottles.

Aliens are all fucking alcoholics, Toni thinks, and how she _wishes_ she had their tolerance, her fingers itching. As though she senses Toni’s discomfort, Hela clears her throat and Toni turns her head back sharply, her attention diverted quickly back to the goddess.

“While Kronos was cruel, Gaia was kind,” Hela explains patiently. “She gave humans a chance. She gave humans their soulmarks.”

Toni’s eyes drop to her own soulmark. “But that still doesn’t explain _my_ shitty soulmark,” she says. “There were no chains in it.”

“There were always chains,” Hela tells her, and there’s an apologetic, guilty tone edging her voice as she speaks. “You just could not see them.” She clears her throat, looks away, a flush crawling up her throat as she continues. “Thanos was a dark and ambitious figure, even in the beginning. He wanted _everything_. Most of all, he wanted me. He sought out the infinity stones, carving himself a gauntlet so that he might be able to craft his own soulmark and bind himself to me. Bind me to him.” Her voice wavers as she continues. “He promised to kill millions for me and lay their corpses at my feet.”

There is a resounding silence that echoes through them all and slowly, the silence breaks when Valkyrie offers Hela a bottle of her best. Hela’s lips quirk unsmilingly as she takes a deep swig, the goddess letting out a deep, ragged sigh.

“Where’s he at these days, then?” Rocket asks roughly.

“Kronos and Gaia were scared of him, as he grew stronger and stronger. Thanos took apart entire planets and devoured almost everything in his search for the stones,” Hela tells them. “It was a last-ditch effort, all of the gods and the Titans finally combining their powers to chains Thanos up and cast him into a different closed realm where he might not be able to harm a single soul.” She pauses, and the sadness that clings to her features is one that Toni thinks she understands. “But it was not enough.”

Toni thinks she knows what’s next. “Hela—,”

“They needed more. They needed a sacrifice,” Hela says, her breaths hitching. “They needed _me._ ” She continues, quicker. “Thanos would not go quietly. But I took his hand and I delivered him to the realm myself, watched as Gaia locked me away with him, as the gods and Titans used the last of their magic to chain us both down. They gave up themselves, too. They no longer roam this universe as they once did, but only in the softest breezes, in the quietest ripples of water. But it was I, who was chained down.”

The goddess is looking fraught, Toni realises. She’s reaching out without realising it, her fingers settling on Hela’s arm to steady her. Hela is breathing hard, but Toni leans in, her voice quiet and soft.

“Are you alright?” she asks. “You don’t have to—you know you can always—,”

“I have had a thousand years to come to terms with it. Besides, you, of all, deserve answers,” Hela says, but she gives Toni an appreciative smile and squeezes her fingers back comfortingly. She continues. “We always knew that Thanos would return. I would never be enough to hold him back and Thanos would only grow stronger and angrier in his cage. He believed that I was hurt, too, that the gods and Titans had betrayed us both, and for him, that was a worse thing than his own cage. So, we used your soulmark, Toni.”

“What?” Toni stares at her.

“It—it was a gift,” Hela says. “My gift to you. I chose you and used your soulmark, as a way of binding Thanos up. It was a key, of sorts. When Thanos would finally break free, you and your soulmate would be unstoppable together. You would end Thanos.”

Her stomach has dropped.

Her and Steve? Hela chose Steve for her?

Toni’s mind reels hotly, her eyes wide. She’s shaking, pressing her fingers down into her lap, as she remembers Siberia, remembers Rogers. How much she’d loved Steve. No matter what Steve had done before Siberia, she had willingly forgiven him all his faults, had seen only her soulmate with lovestruck eyes, with a heart that refused to shatter until Steve did it himself.

Even the gods had thought Rogers was better than her, Toni thinks and a hysterical urge to laugh bubbles up in her throat. They’d believed in Captain America before Iron Woman could even have a chance.

“But that didn’t happen,” Mantis says slowly, in confusion. “Because Thanos is out too early. The chains should have held him for longer.”

Hela’s gaze flits to Toni, before she explains lightly. “Thanos has been trying to break out of the chains for a thousand years to set himself free. When you broke your soulmark apart, you broke the chains, too. A fracture was created where Thanos could finally break free properly,” she says. “It took some time, especially as I was trying to fight him and keep him down. I tried to warn you, too.”

“You were the one in my dreams,” Toni says wonderingly, almost breathless. “You kept bringing me back into space.”

“I apologise for the distress I caused you,” Hela tells her quietly. “I had no other way to help you, to keep Thanos from you. When he managed to break free of the chains, he took most of the lingering magic for himself. He told me to wait for him. I waited until I’d gathered up enough magic and chased after you, to save you from him. You were not on Earth.”

“No,” Toni says, shaking her head. “We got beamed up by—,”

“Ebony Maw. He woke his Black Order to do his bidding faster than I expected,” Hela says, inclining her head. She bites her lip, a flash of anxiety passing her features before it smooths out, as she continues, “I saw your …people. Your friends are worried for you, but they know that you are capable. They are doing their best to get you back and to keep the rest of the stones safe.” There’s a smirk at her lips that confuses Toni briefly. “And your… Rogers.”

Toni frowns. “What about him?”

“I did not kill him. Do not worry. I simply left him with a gift,” Hela tells her, and there’s a vicious fury in her voice, tamped down when she looks at Toni. “Something to show him just how much he missed out when he refused my first gift.”

“I never told him,” Toni says, her voice a heavy confession. She looks away, fiddling with the notebook when she continues, her heart thudding in her chest. “It’s my fault we didn’t become soulmates like you wanted. I never told him what my soulmark was and now, Thanos is free and—,”

“Ridiculous,” Hela says sharply. “Basic decency, kindness, _compassion_. These qualities do not require the existence of a soulmark. I am glad that you did not show him your mark.” She looks at Toni carefully. “I saved your life in Siberia, because you deserve to live, Toni. Not because I want you to fulfil the fates of old gods and Titans past.”

Toni’s heart thuds, as the thought rattles around in her head, an incessant thing. Siberia had been her end, until the goddess of Death stepped in and refused to let her go. Hela has saved her life. But does she _want_ to live it?

She clears her throat. “They said that you were more powerful than Thanos,” Toni says quietly. “That you were the one to look out for. Mistress of Death. Sorry for taking your title.”

Hela gives a dry smile. “The stories are cruel to me. They turn me into a monster.”

“Yeah,” Toni murmurs. “I know what that’s like.”

Then, just as they land on Vormir, Quill’s heartbroken howls echo and it’s a terrible thing.

.

.

Nebula is a dark figure, retreating where Gamora is sociable.

She explains that Thanos had tortured her, as she fixes her retractable hand back on, and taken Gamora away to Vormir. Once Nebula had managed to gain their coordinates, she’d been hot on their heels, but she’d been too late and Gamora’s body was a cracked figure on the edges of the cliff. Toni and Rocket had looked at each other only once, before both of them lunged to grab Quill by the waist to pull him back as he howled.

“You don’t want to see her, man,” Rocket says. “Trust me, Quill. Quill, come on—,”

“Quill, believe me,” Toni says, and she thinks of her mother’s head cracked apart, blood spooling out, her father’s hoarse, breathless gasps. “You don’t, come on, Quill—,”

But it is Groot, who shifts a little, pushing away the game that he’d managed to somehow sneak back from Gamora, as he reaches to stretch out his long branches. He wraps his branches around Quill, who is sobbing, a broken, grieving mess, and Groot rests his head against Quill’s back softly. The tree is crying too, glistening tears trickling down the bark of his face, and as Quill moans helplessly, he collapses against Groot’s hold, almost boneless.

“I am Groot,” Groot tells him quietly.

“Gamora,” he murmurs back to him.

Hela’s features are twisted in sympathy. “I’m sorry,” she says, her voice quiet and gentle. “I am so sorry.”

“This is not on you,” Valkyrie says fiercely.

Toni nods. “Thanos did this. Nobody else.”

“He has the power stone, the reality stone, and the soul stone now,” Hela tells them shakily, as Nebula turns her head sharply. “The only place he will be going now is Earth.”

Where Strange, the Tesseract, and Vision would be, if Thor hadn’t succeeded, Toni thinks, her heart clenching. How would she tell Thor that his brother had died, again? His grief would be unending, especially after everyone else he had lost. Toni rubs her forehead tiredly.

She’s so exhausted by this point, everything within her just dying to simply drop, but she has to keep going. She has to protect them, keep them safe. It was truly her fault, now that she knew the truth. Toni had unleashed Thanos in Siberia and he would desecrate the entire universe as a wedding gift for Hela, the fuckboy.

“We kill him, then,” Quill says, his voice growing stronger and firmer as he continues. “We kill him, and we get Gamora back.”

Rocket lifts his head to eye them all carefully, a worried look passing his features, but he nods first. “We kill him and then we get Gamora back.”

“Charter the Milano’s coordinates,” Quill mutters, swallowing thickly. “We’re going back to Earth.”

Toni’s gaze lingers on Nebula, the grief edging the blue alien’s face. How much pain and torment has Thanos wrought over this world? How much more will they be forced to suffer through? She shakes her head a little before clearing her throat to speak.

“Are you—,”

“Thanos will die, if it is the last thing I do,” Nebula snarls fiercely, before she twists her arm. She looks up to see Toni eyeing her curiously. Her voice is flat. “When I get Gamora back, she will… I will leave to kill Thanos.” She shifts a little. “I have not… my sister does not trust me.”

“You seem pretty trustworthy to me, Blue Man Group,” Toni tells her flippantly.

Nebula blinks. “That is because you don’t know what I am.”

Toni shrugs. “All this time and you haven’t tried to kill me,” she says. “Makes you pretty trustworthy in my book. So, is your dad immortal, too?”

The blue alien eyes her once more, gaze flickering and careful, before answering. “Thanos is a Titan,” she says. “He has lived for aeons. But he is not my father. My—my real father is dead, amidst the stars.”

“He is still something to you,” Toni murmurs, as she fiddles with her gauntlets to take out some of the arsenal in her Iron Woman armour, the sparks fraying at her in irritation.

She thinks briefly of her own father. How she had once hated Howard for taking her beloved mother away. How she had tortured herself between both loving and hating him all through his life, how she had sunk to her knees in the Stark family plot, screaming at him for answers. Only to know that Howard’s last wishes were to protect his wife.

“He is another body to put in the ground,” Nebula says fiercely. “He is a monster, and I will kill him.”

Toni lifts her head to look at the alien before her. She recognises the anguish and pain in the blue alien’s eyes, she thinks. Nebula’s bionic fingers are shaking, despite her angered determination, and Toni lets out a soft breath.

“You think this will do the trick?” she says eventually, lifting one of her massive prototype blasters she’s hoping to perfect with Robot’s help.

Even though Friday is not here, she can practically sense her AI screaming when Toni gives the weapon to the alien and even Nebula eyes her strangely, as though she is unsure what to make of her. It’s a look Toni is used to by now. Most people don’t know what to expect when it comes to Toni Stark. But Toni is tired and if Nebula tried to kill her, it would, unfortunately, be nothing new.

It’s like she told Maria that one time. She’s always the one who lives.

“This is primitive, at best,” Nebula murmurs, trying to sound disparaging, but the way she’s handling the blaster suggests otherwise.

Toni’s lips quirks. “You want to help me fix it?”

.

.

As they make their way back to the Milano, Hela calls Toni’s name softly. Within her palm lies a small gilded knife, barely anything. “Thanos is a formidable Titan,” she says. “But I have had years to fashion something that might pierce his hide. This was crafted from the same mountains that roam his planet and I dipped it in the Mother Goddess’ magic. It will kill him, if nothing else does, I promise you.”

“You’re giving it to me?” Toni asks.

Even so, Hela hesitates. “It might… it might kill you, too,” she says quietly, her fingers wrapped around the handle of the blade. “I would do it myself, but I cannot—I am too weak to wield it properly—,”

“I’ll do it,” Toni says, and though her heart pounds away in her chest, she reaches to take the blade from Hela. “I always knew I’d die as Iron Woman. Besides, you made a sacrifice once for the sake of the universe. I’m always one-upping other people. What kind of a Stark would I be?”

Hela gives a small chuckle, though her eyes are still worried. “Keep safe, Toni.”

“With the weapon, sure,” Toni reassures her. “I won’t let go of the knife, I promise.”

“No,” the goddess says softly, reaching to brush a few of Toni’s curls back, a gentility to her movements. “Keep _yourself_ safe.”

.

.

In the Milano, Toni looks at Nebula, who is a blur with her machinery.

It’s amazing, learning from both Rocket and Nebula, who, in turn, watch as she explains the mechanics of her suit. Whenever she used to try to explain the Iron Woman armour to the Avengers, Steve’s eyes would glaze over. Natasha was only interested so far as the information could benefit her and Clint’s skills seemed only to expand to the workings of his arrows, though he used to try to listen.

Rocket is fiddling with her tech and Quill is snapping out coordinates for their travel, as Toni’s gaze lingers over Nebula. Her heart is in her throat.

“That looks like it hurts,” she says to Nebula, jerking her head towards the alien’s arm as it splutters desperately, sparks clattering from the frayed wires. “Want me to have a look?”

Nebula eyes her with dark and suspicious eyes. “What will you do?”

“I can fix it,” Toni tells her. “I’m a fixer.”

It doesn’t take very long for Toni to take apart the arm, wincing at the shoddy mechanics of it. It’s an utter travesty and Toni wonders aloud how in the world Nebula could have continued, in such pain. Nebula furrows her brows at her, her gaze fixed on her arm as Toni fixes it. She makes it easier for her to move and takes away the pain entirely, adding a ton of new features and devices. Nebula’s gaze is startled when Toni starts telling her enthusiastically about the new functions.

“I am genuinely …grateful,” Nebula says uncertainly, as though tasting the words before she says them. She stares at Toni, slightly bewildered. “Thank you.”

“Funny,” Valkyrie jokes. “I thought there was nothing, but rage left in you.”

“Don’t forget the spite,” Rocket adds, as Nebula scowls at them. “She has a lot of spite.”

But Toni focuses on Nebula, who is staring at the way her arm works smoothly now. The alien seems ready to wince as she examines the arm, twisting it and turning it around with a startled gaze, a light in her eyes that reminds Toni vividly of Barnes. She lifts her head.

“What would you have of me, in return?” Nebula demands.

Toni shakes her head. “Free of charge. I’m happy to fix up anything else, if you want,” she says, but when Nebula opens her mouth to protest, she says, “Thanos is a little bitch.”

Nebula closes her mouth, looking startled, before her lips quirk. “Yes,” she says uncertainly. “Yes, he is.”

When they get a signal, Rocket shouts up towards them.

“You sure we can land in your backyard, Stark?” he shouts.

Toni frowns, but she’s already on her way, hurrying through the path of the Milano to make her way to the deck where Rocket has taken charge with a smooth ease. They’ve forced Quill to sleep for a bit, so that he can calm down, and Groot and Mantis are with him now. Unfortunately, that means that Drax, Rocket, and Valkyrie are stuck together in a small confined space and while it’s entertaining for Toni and Hela, it’s not so fun for the others who are driving each other out of their minds. Nebula keeps herself to herself, when she isn’t standing beside Toni, who lays out their plans, a dark, protective thing.

“There’s enough space on the Compound grounds to land the Milano. I built it to withstand Thor’s rainbow roads and the Milano’s smaller than that,” she is saying, before she spots the blinking lights hammering down on the window of the ship and stills in confusion.

There is something familiar about those particular dusty purple lights, about the way they seem to gleam and glitter in a line that spells something out. Toni tilts her head at it, furrowing her brows in confusion, before realisation hits her suddenly and she lets out a taut breath.

“The fuck is that?” Valkyrie points at the window.

“Wakanda,” she mutters, as she surges forward. “Shuri used to have that signal every time we talked. New York isn’t safe right now. We’re being directed to a safer place.”

Rocket points out, giving a sceptical scowl, “Or a trap.”

Toni shakes her head. “They’re on our side,” she tells them, her shoulders stiffening automatically in defence, as she prepares herself, and promptly blinks when nobody else makes any protests.

Rocket is already changing their coordinates and Drax is telling them all to strap themselves in, with Valkyrie already snickering and making a dirty joke about it. Usually, Toni would have joined in with Valkyrie, but she’s still staring at them, her form still where she stands. A pleasant, startled sensation blooms across her chest as Toni slowly realises they _trust_ her.

She’d expected a fight, or another argument, but they’d simply trusted her words. Just like that. How strange.

How _nice._

“Sit down, Stark, or you’ll go flying through that window,” Rocket tells her gruffly.

Toni, feeling vaguely dizzy, sits back down, still a little stunned, as Rocket expertly swerves the ship back. The sensation is dizzying as they hurtle through the air, her head aching and her soulmark threatening to open up once more, though Hela had promised her magic would hold. Everything within Toni feels ready to burst apart at the seams, her breaths coming out hoarse and tired as the Milano breaks through the clouds into sunny Wakandan skies.

She can see brilliant greenery, cascading blue waves of water, large white buildings before her stomach flips and her vision threatens to blur. It takes Toni a moment to realise that someone is talking to her, before Hela touches her arm and Toni almost barrels out of her seat in defence.

“Easy,” Hela tells her quickly, before frowning. “You look terrible.”

Her tongue feels fuzzy in her mouth and Toni blinks slowly. “I think I’m bleeding,” she tells the goddess deliriously, head spinning.

“Where?!” someone echoes.

“Eh...” She waves vaguely at all parts of her body and shrugs, her knees almost buckling.

There’s a slight breeze from where the Milano’s opening up. Toni breathes hard, forcing herself to pull into the present. The Guardians and everyone will all be killed, if she doesn’t show her face first. If she doesn’t pull it together, the Wakandan military will tear apart the Milano without abandon, at the slightest hint of anything wrong.

“Alright, we need to get you to lie down,” Valkyrie is saying, her voice close to her ear, and Toni turns her head to realise that Hela is practically holding her up.

Toni mumbles, shaking her head, “Can’t. Gotta—stop Thanos.”

“She’s committed, you can give her that,” Rocket says roughly. “Come on, Stark. They’ve got guns out there I can’t wait to steal—uh, have a look at.”

Toni swallows thickly, breathing hard as she takes a few steps forward. The Milano has rested gently on the grass, the large board stretching out in front of her. She is leaning heavily against Hela as she moves, lifting her head up as the goddess gently pushes the curls back behind her ear. For a moment, Toni thinks she might actually fall, but she manages to push herself back up to continue walking.

“It’s alright,” Hela murmurs to her, the soft familiar voice quiet. “I have you.”

When she walks out into the fresh air, a breathless order pierces the air.

“Stand down!” someone is shouting. “Stand down!”

And Toni lifts her head to see Rhodey hurrying forwards, pushing apart the Wakandan soldiers in his impatience, as he shouts. She can see the rest of them, too, Maria and Rumlow and Hope moving breathlessly with him, her gaze sliding across the crowd in bewilderment.

“Toni!” Rhodey is saying, as Toni stumbles forward into his arms. He almost staggers, but she forces herself to pull back just in time. “Jesus, Toni…”

“I came back to you, Rhodey-bear,” she murmurs. “Promised you, didn’t I?”

“Next time, you take me with you,” he breathes against her ear.

Toni crosses her fingers, thinks of the blade stashed away in her boot. “Promise,” she tells him, before pulling back.

Maria and Rumlow are crowing, but she can see the tears gleaming in their eyes, as Toni realises they had been worried, too. Hope is looking breathlessly relieved, reaching to squeeze Toni’s arm, as Toni lifts her head up to look at them all. Her gaze slides over them all, before it lands on the Black Panther and Toni straightens immediately, inclining her head.

“Your Highness,” she says, holding a hand out. “Thanks for the signal.”

King T’Challa takes her hand and shakes it. “Thank you for coming back, Ms Stark.”

“Did you doubt I ever would?” Toni grins, as Rhodey snorts.

Then she sees them.

All of them, scrambling to assemble themselves against Thanos, as she’d once pleaded. Rogers is hoarse and puffy-eyed, looking like he’d been crying, as he leans into Wilson’s shoulder heavily. Barton is staring hopefully at Toni, as though he hopes she can pull something out of the magic box today. She’s always managed, after all. Barnes is staring at her and Romanoff looks like she might break down, her fingers still trembling.

They’re all staring at her, Rhodey included.

She’s a sight, Toni knows.

Broken bones and bloodied face, curls pushed back, half of the suit protectively curving around the parts of her body that had been too broken to continue moving. The other half of the suit is sitting tight in the Milano, where Rocket had crowed over it. She’s an utter mess, compared to them. It’s safe to say that she looks the worst of them all.

 _I was right_ , she wants to crow into their ashamed faces. _Look how right I was, all along._

But they're so guilt-faced, she can't even enjoy her smugness.

" _Toni_ ," Romanoff begins, her voice filled with breathless hope. "Toni, you're _okay_ —,"

"Thanos, did he—," Barton begins before he falters.

 _Of course, he did_ , Toni thinks bitterly.

"Six _years_ ," she says, her voice so rusty and rasping that Wilson flinches. "Six years, it's been since New York." Toni lifts her head, fixes Rogers with her darkest glare. "Do you believe me _now_?"

Rhodey’s voice is soft, his eyes fixed on Hela and the others who are pouring out the Milano behind her. “Toni, you—uh, you brought friends?”

Toni brightens. “The Guardians of the Galaxy,” she says. “Shit name, but they’re good people, Rhodey, I promise. And this is Valkyrie. And this is Hela. She’s the goddess of Death.”

“It’s a step up from the bots and all those stray animals you used to find out in the cold, I guess,” Rhodey says, as he shrugs. He reaches out a hand to shake Valkyrie’s hand. “If you’re all friends of Toni’s, then you’re friends of mine.”

“We don’t have very long,” Toni tells them, her breaths hitching as she explains, a little groggy. “We have to get back to New York, because that’s where the decoy stones are.”

“Toni, you’re swaying—,”

“We have to evacuate the area and lock everything down!” she tells them, her mind buzzing. “And I need to see the bots and Friday again—and is Vision okay? She said she’d protect him, so we have to get to work right now.”

And then Toni completely drops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yess, Evil!Hela was a red herring! I couldn't stop myself from making her as mysterious as I could, lol, so I hope that you enjoyed her! And we're back on Earth! There's a lot in this chapter, so if you have any questions or if there's any confusion, I'm happy to clear it up! Don't worry about Toni - she's perfectly fine, it's just exhaustion! 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed the chapter and I hope you have a great weekend! See you on Sunday! :D


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving such wonderful comments! I appreciate every single one of them and that you choose to spend your time reading my story when you could be doing literally anything else, so thank you for that!
> 
> I know that my story's full of plotholes (but I hope you're enjoying the ride even so!) and that the Black Order, Gamora, and Nebula should technically probably be a thousand years old in this timeline and I promise you, I did have a reason and a backstory for it, but I genuinely did forget, so I'm sorry for that!
> 
> And last, this chapter is extra long, because it's Angelicsailor's birthday and I have nothing else to give lol. Happy birthday! I adore your comments and I hope you're having the most amazing day! :D

Hela is the only one unsurprised when Toni completely drops.

She reaches out to grab the Stark woman quickly, breaking her fall, and grateful when Valkyrie, who is just as fast, helps her catch Toni before she can hit the ground. Rhodey and Toni’s friends have surged forwards to reach for her unconscious body, but it’s Steve Rogers who pushes forward before everyone, almost desperately as his eyes fall on her, for the first time.

Hela tamps down the vicious bite of hatred that threatens to overwhelm her when she sees the man. She wonders what exactly it is he thinks he is doing. _Who let you out of your nightmares, Captain_?

“It’s you,” Steve Rogers snarls fiercely, reaching forwards instinctively for Toni. “Rhodes, she’s the one who attacked—,”

Hela says, almost lazily, “She needs to sleep.” Her gaze levels on Steve. “She will not be able to sleep if you continue to shout like an animal, Captain.”

“Did you do that?” Rhodes demands fiercely, but the goddess shakes her head, smiling a little condescendingly at his anger.

They’re a little arrogant, these humans, aren’t they? To think that they could do anything against her, even when she’s so weak like this. She’s had such little time with them, but it’s almost a delight to see. She can imagine how annoying Kronos would have found them, but Hela finds them utterly fascinating. Look at Toni Stark, after all.

The first human Hela had chosen, and she was a marvel.

“No, that was all her,” she says. Her face softens at the concern on Rhodes’ face, recognising the emotion slightly. Toni had been so alone without her best friend and Hela had seen how bad his absence had left her, knows that Rhodes feels for Toni just the same as she feels for him. “You have no need to worry. She will sleep easy, I promise you. I may have very little magic left, but I can give her that, at least.”

Rhodes sighs, rubs his hand over his face, as Hope and Toni’s other friends simply stare at her, entranced. It’s still a little strange, the feeling of being seen. Hela has been invisible so long, she thought she’d been nothing.

“She deserves a lot more than a good night’s rest,” he mutters tiredly, as they start to turn to the Wakandan palace. Hela has to agree, thinking of all those times she’d woken herself, hearing Toni screaming from her bad dreams. “I heard parts of what the last few months have been like for her.”

“I was there,” Hela says softly, her heart aching. She looks away when Rhodes’ head snaps up sharply. “Trapped within the broken cage, still, but gathering enough strength to leave. I could see everything she was going through. Thanos could not. I was weak, but I used everything within me to protect her from him as long as I could.”

She hadn’t meant to say it, but there is something in the way Rhodes speaks to her that is different from everyone else. He talks to her like Toni, does. Like she is not the monster everyone believed she had been, like she is worth something other than being known as Thanos’ girl.

Rhodes stares at her. “Who are you?”

Her breaths soft and ragged, Hela explains her story.

.

.

Toni is sleeping for the first time, the soft and dreamless sleep that Hela can finally provide for her.

She didn’t think she’d ever be so lucky as to actually do anything to help Toni, let alone manage to crawl her way out of the shadow realms, but here she is. Seated beside the woman she has been watching over protectively for months, the woman she’s seen fall apart and put herself painstakingly back together, in a hospital room with her best friend, who has fallen apart, too, beside them.

The King of Wakanda is readying his armies for Thanos’ arrival, while Toni’s friends are acquiring transportation to take them to New York and evacuating the entire city as best as they can. The Accords, that Hela has heard about, are starting to come to fruition; Toni’s work finally come to light as the process is made much easier than it ordinarily would have been.

Hela knows that Toni would have overseen the process personally, fretting over every little thing, so she’s grateful that the Stark woman can finally rest now. It’s a little funny, she thinks, that everyone around Toni Stark agrees on the same sentiment. The first threat was cast out by Colonel Rhodes who snarled at Steve Rogers to stop shouting; if he woke up Toni Stark, they would never find his body. Hela had had to keep herself from laughing.

Humans _are_ funny things.

The Guardians and the Avengers, she knows, are clashing horribly, with Rocket intentionally winding them all up, but everyone knows to steer clear of Toni’s quarters. It’s not even because of her own presence, Hela has found. Apparently, the Winter Soldier has put the hit out on anyone who even tries to touch Toni Stark. She’d eyed the gleaming arm that Toni had gifted the Soldier, barely able to stop her lips turning down into a harsh snarl. He hadn’t deserved it, she’d thought viciously, but he is using it to protect Toni, so she cannot complain for too long.

In addition to the Soldier, the threats of the Black Widow echo fiercely in the hallways. Even Steve Rogers almost attacked Drax, when it seemed like the Destroyer was about to attack, until Rocket managed to calm things down by telling them that Drax had a few language problems.

Rhodes watches Toni, as he unclasps his watch from his wrist slowly, the blue light blinking from it incessantly. He’s mumbling, as he does so, “It’s alright, Fri. See? She’s fine. She’s alright now.”

“I cannot reach her,” comes the worried voice of Toni’s AI, the other who had watched Toni fall apart, too. “Rhodey, I cannot reach her—,”

“The Iron Woman suit was torn, Fri,” Rhodes explains, his voice gentle. “Hela’s magic is keeping Toni’s arc reactor together.”

“But it won’t be needed for much longer,” Hela says, her eyes on the gleaming watch. “Toni’s arc reactor is much stronger than I had thought. She will be just fine, Friday, I promise you.”

The AI is quiet for a moment, before the watch brims once more and suddenly, a screen is being pulled up before them. “Vision is scared, Rhodey.”

Vision is in tears, on the screen, as he wakes to find Toni gone. “Fri?” His voice is echoing, slightly panicked. “Where—where is Toni?”

Friday’s voice is distraught as she replies. “I don’t know,” she says, and it’s then Hela realises this is an old video, as Rhodes’ gaze turns to the timestamp, detailing it for a few hours ago. “I promised her I would never leave her and—,”

“He was starting to panic,” Friday explains, as she cuts the video off. “Princess Shuri delivered a calming agent, but Vision is starting to wake up again.”

“I’m on my way,” Rhodes promises, almost fumbling, but he leaves the watch behind, leaves Friday behind to watch over Toni.

Hela turns her head when she hears his voice, brows furrowing at the sound. It’s clear the man is addressing someone, and when Hela reaches out her magic, she realises it is Steve Rogers himself. The Captain has slumped against Toni’s door, clearly trying to respect her boundaries but unable to shake the idea that she is his soulmate.

“What the fuck do you think this is, Steve, _Romeo and Juliet_?” Rhodes’ voice echoes from the doorway as Hela’s lips twitch. “Fuck off, Rogers. Let her sleep. Maybe get some rest yourself. We’ve got a long fight ahead of us.”

When the footsteps fade away, Hela’s gaze lingers on the watch carefully.

“My name is Hela, Friday,” she says. “You don’t know me, but I know you. I know what it is like to be you,” she tells Friday. “Helpless and caught up in a cage. To watch the person you love fall apart and you, within arm’s reach and still helpless. But perhaps I can offer you and I some reprieve.”

She gets to her feet, with one last look towards Toni, before she moves slowly to the door where lo and behold, Steve Rogers stands.

He’s rubbing his eyes tiredly before he registers her, his broad form stiffening in defence automatically. Fingers shifting a little as though he remembers the shield, remembers that he does not have it, Steve moves immediately, pushing himself forward, his breaths fraught.

“You,” he says tautly, no trace of exhaustion in his features. “You’re Hela. You came—you gave me that—,”

“Did you enjoy it?” Hela asks, her voice a soft drawl as she towers over him threateningly. “Did you finally see what you so foolishly turned away?”

“It wasn’t like that,” Steve says. “I would never reject Toni—,”

“But you would use her,” Hela says harshly. “You would drain her dry, until she had fulfilled every last one of your wishes, out of her _love_ for you. You would take her and everything she had left to give, until you were happy.” A snarl rips from her throat before she can stop it, twisting her lips, as she bites out, “Confess it.”

Steve stares back at her. “You don’t know me,” he says fiercely. “I would never do that to Toni—,”

“I said, confess!” Hela snarls fiercely, as she raises her hand angrily. “Kneel and _confess_ your sins, Captain!”

He’s forced to his knees by her magic, on the ground, the earths wracking around them both. Hela cannot contain her fury, remembering the way Toni had choked on her own blood, the way she’d sobbed helplessly for her mother. She was not Toni’s mother and she could not provide salvation, but she had hoped that Steve Rogers would be a balm. Would help, where she could not.

While they waited for Thanos to break free, Steve Rogers would protect and love Toni Stark. And what did he do, _instead_?

The words are wrought from Steve’s mouth as he grits out, “Hela, forgive me, for I have sinned.”

Even then, Hela is not mollified. Her face darkens, green around her fingers as a promise, a vicious threat. “What have you done, Captain?”

“I hurt—I hurt Toni,” Steve manages to get out, as she tries to refrain from plucking out his beating heart.

It would be so easy. Only a little, just to give him a breath of what it was like, to make him understand. To show him what he had done to his soulmate. But Steve is crying, his shoulders slumped as he crumples in on himself in shame.

“No,” Hela says, shaking her head. Her voice rises as she thunders furiously, as she corrects him. “You were supposed to love her. You were supposed to love her and protect her. You were supposed to be good to her. You were supposed to love her, and instead, you leave her to die in a _frozen wasteland?”_

She’s roaring by now, unable to contain her own fury in front of the Captain, who is a pitiful figure. The green wraps around him tight, threatens to steal his breaths, to rip out his heart, until there’s a shout.

“Hela, _no_!”

Toni’s voice startles her as Hela pulls back immediately. The Stark woman has pushed herself in front of Steve, as the Captain finally collapses heavily on the ground, his form heavy and exhausted. Hela has exhausted herself, too, weakening as she realises she’s exerted too much of the magic she was hoping to save for Toni.

Stupid, she thinks. She was stupid.

“Is he okay?” Toni is asking, as Hela nods, swallowing hard. “What was that?”

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Hela tells her.

“What was _that_?”

Hela lets out another deep breath. “Maybe you should sit down,” she says, but when Toni throws her a fierce look, she explains. “I was there. All throughout Siberia. After Siberia.” Toni winces, her eyes widening in alarm. “You’d opened a fracture and I was trying to protect you from Thanos, so it opened a gateway where I could see you. I knew most of what your life was before, but I came to know you after Siberia. I—I was the one trying to heal you over and over again, trying to close up the soulmark every time it broke open.”

“That was you?” Toni stares at her. “Then, why did you hurt him?”

“Because he hurt you,” Hela insists, and realisation dawns on Toni, at last.

She’s quiet for a moment before she speaks. “He’s not Thanos,” Toni tells her. “He’s just—I don’t know what he is, but he’s not Thanos, Hela.”

“I know what they’ve done to you,” Hela tells her, sternly. “You sought a family in them and they only realised it too late.”

“Really late,” Toni mumbles but she’s not as embarrassed as Hela thought she’d be. She knows that Toni is a very prideful thing, but she guesses once the goddess of death has seen every part of Toni Stark, there’s no need to hide anything.

“I’m grateful that you finally saw it,” Hela says instead. “It drove me crazy every time you willingly went back to them. I wanted to scream at you, scream at them. I wanted you to finally break free. And you did.”

Toni looks briefly surprised, but rather flattered at the same time. Her gaze drops to Steve, who is still unconscious, before she calls for someone to take the Captain away and then she leads them back in the hospital room, to Hela’s surprise. She’d half expected Toni to push herself right back to work, like she always had, but Toni is sitting on the bed, cross-legged and airy as though nothing had happened.

She offers Hela some of the food from her tray, and slightly hesitant, Hela takes the pot of yogurt.

“I never realised how it might look to you,” Toni says finally. “You were literally chained down and I could have walked out of the Compound from the very beginning.”

Hela stiffens. “That’s not—,”

“You’re going to live,” Toni tells her fiercely, as she leans forward. “You hear me, Hela? I can’t imagine what it’s been like, for you, but I’m not going to let Thanos take you away. Fuck his infinity stones and his soulmark. You’re going to live, and he’ll _rot_.”

There’s such a vindictive firmness in Toni’s voice as though she believes every bit of what she’s saying and to have such faith, Hela thinks, is so undeniably human. Even so, her heart is aching and she’s speaking before she can stop herself.

“I’ve been so lonely,” Hela confesses, her breaths hitching. “Protecting you was all I could do, and I could barely even do that. Look at what I’ve done to you.”

“You don’t get to take credit for this hot mess,” Toni says, giving a soft, playful grin, as Hela sniffs. “But I guess I get the loneliness. I don’t care what the gods and the Titans say. You didn’t deserve that. You deserved to live, too.”

“So do you,” Hela rebuffs. “Give me back the blade, Toni. It was a stupid idea—,”

“No,” Toni says as she shakes her head. “I’ve come to terms with my own death. You know that.”

Toni tilts her head, and her expression looks terrifyingly similar to the way she’d looked on the cold floor of the Hydra bunker, fingers tight around the knife, and the way she had wrapped around her mother’s tombstone, clutching the empty bottle like a promise. Hela remembers when the first crack in the chains had appeared, remembers screaming for Toni to stop hurting herself before she’d realised that it wasn’t for fear of Thanos that she’d been so scared.

It was her love for Toni. She had screamed at Toni that Steve Rogers wasn’t worth it, had sobbed her apologies over the months, watched Toni fall apart over and over again, cursing her helplessness all the while.

“I do,” Hela admits. “But the people who love you haven’t. You would be leaving us all, in a realm where even I could not reach. And I have come to care for you, too, Toni. You are so easy to love.”

For a moment, Toni looks like she might argue with that, before she clears her throat. Some fleeting expression of confusion passes her features before she speaks.

“If I’m so—then—why did you choose me for Steve?” Toni asks, her voice hesitant.

Hela furrows her brows towards the Stark woman, as a curl of disappointment writhes through Toni’s features. “I did not choose you for Steve,” she tells Toni, wrinkling her forehead and watching the way Toni’s face falls. “I chose Steve Rogers for _you_.”

Toni looks bowled over, her eyes wide. “You brought him out of the forties... for me?”

There is no hesitation when Hela speaks, looking straight at Toni’s stunned face.

“Of course.”

Toni is shaking when she speaks again, her voice ragged as she lifts her head. “When—when I kill him,” she says, before she shakes her head. “If I kill him, Hela. Please—uh, I know this is stupid and shitty, but—,”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t want to die alone,” she confesses heavily.

Hela leans in to stare at Toni’s scared face. She can see the little thing pushed in front of the flashing cameras, still clutching her circuit board, the small girl asking her distressed mother what she’d done to make Howard throw the screwdriver, the betrayed woman left choking on her own blood amidst the white snow. Her heart aches for Toni, a wretched, beating thing.

How she _loves_ Toni, she thinks to herself, and in that moment, Hela makes up her mind.

“I won’t let you,” she promises, her voice soft and firm at the same time. “I won’t let you.”

.

.

She embraces Rhodey tightly again, breathing tautly as she does so.

They’re settling to go into the quinjet, all of the Avengers, even Maximoff. Toni has looked over Vision and they’re taking him to another safehouse she can safely open up for him, rather than infringing on Wakanda a moment longer, though King T’Challa promises his forces will reach New York for them.

Toni knows this is the last goodbye, her breaths fraught as she wraps her arms around her best friend tightly, pressing her face into his shoulder. He’s grabbed her tight, too, refusing to let go, and for a moment, Toni thinks she’s back in Afghanistan, the taste of blood in her mouth, the drying heat sinking around her, sand at her fingertips.

“Toni?”

“Platypus,” Toni says, breaths hitching.

“Are you okay?” Rhodey says. “Toni, what’s wrong?”

She stares at him, eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I didn’t—see anything,” Toni says in a voice of quiet awe. Rhodey is still looking confused. “I didn’t dream of anything. I—it felt so nice, Rhodey.”

She’d had so many bad dreams she’d forgotten what a good night’s rest felt like, torn apart between the desires of a mad Titan and the desperate protection of a goddess with limited capabilities. Rhodey’s features smooth out from his concern, before he lets out a soft, helpless protest in his throat and he reaches for her again, grabbing her tighter.

Thor is back, he tells her, along with Bruce and Strange, as they finally make headway to get back to New York. Toni takes the time to thank King T’Challa for his kindness and selflessness in housing them all, as she takes them back to New York through the quinjet. Quill is a restless figure, wanting nothing more than to take Thanos’ head off his shoulders, but Rocket is the only one who seems to be able to calm him down.

“Your team always this overprotective over you, Stark?” he asks, when Romanoff throws him a deeply suspicious look.

Toni furrows her brows, shaking her head. “They’re not my team,” she says, as she walks to the Barton children. “Lila, Cooper.”

Lila’s beam splits across her face, blindingly so as she hurries forward to embrace Toni tightly. “You’re okay!” she says, her voice cracking. “I told you she’d be okay, Cooper! I told you—she’s Iron Woman!”

Her heart aches for the children. “Yeah,” Toni says softly, brushing Lila’s cheek with one hand. “Are you guys going to be good for your parents, now?”

They’re not Wakandan citizens, so Wakanda can’t protect them. Toni has to bring them back to New York, though she’s housing them in a safehouse close to the Compound. It should be safe enough, she hopes. Prays. Begs.

Lila’s face wrinkles, but it’s Cooper who leans forward to look at her. “Is it true?”

“Is what true?” Toni asks, her heart thudding in her chest.

“Did Steve try—did Steve hurt you?” Lila asks.

How can she lie to these children? They’re so smart, they know practically everything. At this point, Toni’s not even surprised.

“Yeah,” she confesses lightly, the surprise blooming across Cooper’s face as Lila gasps. “But it doesn’t matter now, okay? Because we’re all going to be okay and once this little mission’s over, I can’t wait to see what new drawings you’re going to make for DUM-e, Lila.” She can’t help herself now, hating the lies. “And Cooper, you and I have got to have another bubble gun game. You’re always cheating.”

Cooper shakes his head. “You’re the cheater,” he mumbles, but his gaze catches on her tightly.

“I’ll be back soon,” Toni breathes to them, as she embraces them tightly.

“Promise?” Lila demands quietly.

Tears brim her eyes. “That’s not fair, Lila—,”

“Promise, please, Toni!” The little girl’s voice cracks in her desperation. “Please.”

“I’ll try my very best,” Toni tells them, and they seem to be happy with that. “Goodbye, little agents.”

When she sees them go, she straightens to breathe out properly, rubbing her eyes. Maria is beside her, touching her elbow comfortingly as she mutters about anything, from Rumlow introducing Hela to a wide range of yogurts to how Rocket tried to steal Bucky’s arm. Affection rises up within Toni, for Maria, and the words almost tumble out before something sticks in her throat.

“Christine’s worried, too, but she knew you’d be alright,” Maria is telling her, brows furrowed.

“Sorry I worried you all,” Toni manages to get out, and when Maria smiles at her, she feels like such an asshole.

She does not deserve their kindness, their compassion, not when she will die soon. Toni almost says it to Maria, but then, she sees Thor’s face.

He knows about his brother.

“Thor—,”

“I am alright,” Thor tells her brightly, but the cheer strains his features. “I am alright, Toni. I just need to—need to kill Thanos, is all. It was a good plan. You always come up with the best plans.”

“I’m sorry, Thor,” Toni murmurs to him, and Thor looks like he might fall apart.

Rogers is hurrying to them, his eyes wide as Bruce and Thor finally make it out, and Toni realises that Bruce is in the Hulk form, the large green figure solemnly moving out of the pod, beside Stephen. Stephen looks relatively alright, the time stone still safely secured within his Eye necklace, but the Hulk is shaken.

“Thor, you’re—,” Rogers begins.

Thor looks hurt when he looks at them all. “Colonel Rhodes has told me the truth of your fight,” he says. “Your Civil War.”

Toni’s stomach clenches, but she breathes hard, inclining her head politely to King T’Challa. “Let’s just get to New York, shall we?”

.

.

“Hey, big guy,” Toni says quietly. “Can I come in, please?”

It’s a large quinjet, one of the largest, in fact, so when the Hulk had asked for the room at the back that Toni had made specially for him, nobody had thought to disagree. The Hulk is collapsed against the floor, his legs outstretched, leaning back against the wall.

“Yes,” Hulk says dully.

“You okay?” she asks. “Bruce told me about what happened to you both. How are you holding up?”

The Hulk lets out a heavy breath and shakes his head. Toni sees her eyes grow watery, her heart clenching for him. “Tired,” he says, as he leans his head back. “I made Asgardian friends. All dead now.”

“I’m sorry,” Toni says, hollowed out.

“Steve tried to kill you?”

Toni lets out a breath.

“About a year ago,” she confesses, “there was a man. Helmut Zemo. He lost his family and he hated us.”

“Why?”

“He was Sokovian.”

“Oh.”

“He trapped us in Siberia. Me, Steve, and Barnes,” Toni says, something forming in her throat. “Showed us a video. My—my parents. The Winter Soldier killed them. He crushed my mother’s head and shot—my dad was begging him, _begging_ —I’ve never heard Howard—,” she breaks off, barely able to breathe. Toni forces herself to calm down, her shoulders sinking down. “And. Steve lied about it. I see him in my dreams, all the time. Steve rams the shield in my chest, and I wait to die.”

“Shitty,” the Hulk says.

“Yeah,” Toni agrees, her lips quirking.

The Hulk looks at her. “Thor is worried. About you.”

“Thor’s—Thor’s chosen his side, I guess,” Toni mutters.

“Side?”

“Well, I used to dream about him, too,” she confesses. “Mostly, he just crushes Mjolnir into my chest.”

“No more Mjolnir.”

Toni thinks of the grief etched out on Thor’s features and shakes her head. “Yeah,” she murmurs sadly. “No more Mjolnir.”

When Rogers knocks on the door, Toni almost attacks. The Hulk barely flinches, only looking at her in confusion, as Toni forces herself to breathe again. Rogers is staring at her, that hopeless desperation on his features again.

“Toni?” he says, as Toni holds back a shiver. “Can—can we talk? Please?”

.

.

The silence is heavy and lingering.

Toni looks at Steve defiantly, waiting for him to break it. They’re in one of the rooms of the quinjet, where she sits, hugging herself, on a chair that’s facing him. Steve keeps his distance, having spotted the way she inhaled sharply when he neared her. His fingers shake as he looks around, wondering if Hela might attack him again. He wonders if Toni knows what the goddess had done to him.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Steve blurts out, eventually.

Toni stills, as his heart thuds in his chest. “I—I wanted to give you the choice,” she says honestly, her voice quiet and Steve’s face creases at the clear truth ringing in her voice. “You said it yourself. A lot of people took away your choice when you woke up here.”

He’s still frustrated, his brows furrowed together, his gaze unfocused as he stares at her. Every time Steve looks at her, he sees her effortless laughter, the way she had beamed at him, the soft notes of her clear voice when she’d whispered to him, _I’m so happy, Steve_.

“But you took it away from us,” Steve protests, and it’s hard not to sound accusing, though he makes a considerable effort. “You took away our happiness—,”

“You kept a secret from me, too, don’t forget that,” Toni snaps defensively.

She’s right, he knows. How can he grow so angry with her, when he’s guilty of the same? Steve winces, but he stares at her.

“We could have been happy, Toni,” he offers, his voice soft.

Toni laughs at him, scathing. “You really believe that?”

Steve thinks of the way she’d smiled at him in the alternate reality, the way she’d been there for him. Something in his chest tugs, a deep, pained ache for something he’s been looking for since he woke up, and there she is, right there in front of him.

_“Yes.”_

“I don’t,” Toni says, and it shatters everything within him. “Maybe I should have told you and maybe I shouldn’t—at this point, I don’t care, because I’m grateful I never told you. Can you imagine the shitshow we would have been?”

Steve stares at her, desperate that he might cry. “No,” he says, shaking his head. He thinks tirelessly of Toni’s laughter, Toni’s smiles, Toni’s breathless sweetness as she’d pulled him out of a nightmare. “We would have been happy.”

“Do you really think I could have ever been happy with someone who lied to me and used me for years, Steve?” Toni asks. “With someone who lied to me about my mother’s death?”

“I’m sorry, Toni,” Steve tells her. “I will always—always be sorry for that, I promise you.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, tossing her head, and her gaze lingers on the wrist wrapped up in those gauntlets where Steve now knows his soulmark lies. He _burns_ to see it, to see the shield from his dream. “It’s too late now.”

"We can still try, Toni," he urges, gentle. "We're still soulmates—you can still have a chance at happiness."

Toni snorts. "What makes you think _you're_ what leads to my happiness?" she says.

Steve backtracks quickly.

"I didn't mean it like that—it's just soulmates are always—the happy endings and—Toni, just—," He breaks off and taking a breath, Steve stares at her pleadingly. "Could you please give us a chance?" He’s on his knees before he can stop himself. “I swear to you, Toni, I won’t ever hurt you again. Please, please, just give me a chance.”

“Jesus, Rogers, get up—,”

“She showed me us,” Steve tells her in a breathless, desperate rush, as Toni’s mouth falls open. “Hela. She showed me how we could have been, how we still can be. We were—were _happy_ , Toni.”

“No,” Toni says, shaking her head after a moment. “No. I don’t—I don’t want you.”

“But it’s fate, Toni—,”

“Fuck fate! You left me to _die_!” she shouts at him, and there’s the sound of running footsteps.

“What’s going on?” Rhodey’s voice echoes thunderously, but it’s Thor who bursts in, first.

His gaze falls to Toni and Steve, as Steve tries clumsily to get back to his feet. “You know,” Thor says suddenly, as both of them blink, startled.

“You knew?” Toni bursts out, her eyes wide.

Thor shrugs. “It was rather obvious,” he admits, as his gaze falls to Steve. “You cannot think she would accept you now. After your Civil War.”

“I—,”

“When my brother hurt people in New York, I suited up with the rest of you,” Thor tells them, ignoring their protests as Steve’s eyes widen. “I understood that he was a threat to your planet, to your people. I was not afforded the same privilege that you have shouldered over your Bucky Barnes. Why could you defy your Earth for your brother, but I could not, for mine?”

“That’s different,” Steve tries to argue, but even he knows it’s flat. “Bucky’s not a threat—,”

“He has over a dozen kills,” Thor says. He frowns, but his eyes are cold. “Have the rules of Earth changed since I was here last? I thought you all frowned on murder.”

His words echo in the air around them, as Steve stares at him. Thor’s disappointment is something horrible and Steve finally sees the King of Asgard, the majestic god standing tall and strong. His heart stutters something desperately, knowing that Toni is slipping fast from his fingers. Or perhaps he never had her at all.

“I’m sorry,” Steve offers, his voice small.

But Thor turns his head to Toni, offering a hand politely. “Come along, Toni. Thanos’ head will not cleave itself.”

When Steve turns his head to Toni, she’s pressed her hands to her mouth, but her eyes are shining.

.

.

Toni’s gaze lingers worriedly on Vision, as she lifts her head lightly to the soft flicker of shadows on the doorway.

They’re finally back in New York and Rhodey had told her that Vision had woken, in a blinding panic, asking breathlessly after her, to know that she was okay. Toni’s heart had twisted for him and now, in the safety of the safe house, she reaches out a hand to grasp his own, squeezes briefly. She won’t be able to stay long, in this quiet, but she’ll take whatever moments she has with Vision.

The shadow shifts.

“Vision won’t want to see you,” she says, her voice quiet.

Wanda is a silent figure against the wall, but she doesn’t look surprised to see Toni here. Her gaze lingers briefly on Toni’s face, before it drags down to Vision, whose eyes are still closed, something heartbroken caught within the light of his face.

“I know,” she says, her voice sad. “But I have to protect him, even so. Like Steve will, for you.”

She knows the soulmate business, then, Toni thinks. An uneasiness crawls within her stomach at the thought of Steve continuing to linger after her. Trying to _protect_ her. She’d believed that Steve would reject her as soon as he found out the truth, but he always surprises her. The sheer desperation in his features had truly startled Toni, and for a moment, she’d let herself believe in it.

Believe that they could truly be happy, that she could let herself fall and Steve Rogers would catch her. It’s not so hard to imagine it, for she’d dreamed about it for years before Siberia happened, and even now, the aching catch of her heart betrays her. Toni swallows hard, her chest hurting painfully as her soulmark grows a little warmer.

Hela has tried to heal the mark now, so that the shield gleams against the pale of her wrist. It still keeps sparking a little, the soulmark threatening to tear itself apart easily as paper, but the goddess had tried desperately, so Toni had been grateful. Toni keeps the gauntlets on, unwilling to see the reminder of what she’d done to herself, of what Steve had done to her.

“You know that we wouldn’t want that,” Toni says nervously.

Neither she nor Vision would want Steve or Wanda to stay anywhere near them, to even try to protect them.

“My orders were to protect the mind stone,” Wanda says, inclining her head towards her, a soft, apologetic smile at her lips.

“Touché.”

A soft silence emanates between them, one that Wanda breaks first. “I am going to go to college,” she tells Toni. “I have been talking to a few of the women you sent to me in the training facility. Thank you for that.”

Toni’s cheeks flush hot. “It wasn’t any trouble.”

Wanda’s eyes lift from Vision’s body to her face. “I meant what I said to you,” she says, slightly awkward as the Sokovian accent lilts her voice. “I hope that you will be okay.”

The way the witch looks at her makes her feel as though Wanda can pull out every secret within her, but Toni knows that she wouldn’t. It’s a strange shifting relationship they hold, and Toni will never actually trust or like the witch, but she knows that Wanda can be trusted with some things. Protecting Vision is a task that Toni knows she can bestow upon the witch.

She won’t be okay, Toni knows, the blade in her boot burning hot and fierce. But she’s rather strangely grateful for the sentiment even so.

“You, too, Maximoff,” she says. “Don’t just look out for Vision. Look out for yourself, too.”

.

.

“Toni is hiding something,” Maria announces as Rhodey nods.

They’re in the living room of the Tower, blueprints and plans splayed out all around them. The Guardians and the Avengers are shouting at each other again and Maria can’t be bothered to break them up. She looks over to Rumlow, who is keeping score of the fight, knowing that if it was truly anything to worry about, Rumlow would be the first one at the scene. As it is, it just seems like Rocket pissed off Steve again, and after knowing the extent to which Steve Rogers had hurt Toni, Maria’s willing to let a lot of things slide.

“This is her palladium poisoning all over again,” Rhodey is muttering, rubbing his forehead tiredly. “I thought we got past this.”

He’s the only one seated, as it exhausts him to use his leg braces for too long, plus they’re all saving their energy for the ensuing fight. Maria and Rumlow know their places; though she’s beyond grateful for the suit, she knows that she’ll only ever use it to defend and protect, rather than attack, just as she’s always known she would. It’s the same with Rumlow, who had used the Crossbones suit to stand in front of the crowd as a literal shield, when the aliens had come for the reporters around New York, refusing to move.

Hope is still looking a little awed at the sight of Hela, who watches everything with a fascination and a slight curl of judgement at her lips. The goddess seems to have made friends with the Asgardian woman, but they stay close to Maria’s party, rather than mingling with the others. So does Nebula, who keeps a grim expression on her face, crossing her hands firmly across her chest as she eyes them with deep suspicion and disgust. Maria’s rather grateful for that; at least, some people are willing to get their hands dirty to get the job done.

“What could she be hiding now?” Rumlow says. “Besides, we’re not going to find out unless she tells us herself. It took months for her to even begin to talk about Siberia.”

Unease trickles into Maria’s stomach, who turns her head. Her gaze catches on Hela’s face, realising faintly that the goddess is listening to their conversation. Hela looks a little ashen, she realises, her gaze narrowing, and then realisation falls heavy like the swing of a sword.

“ _You_ know,” she accuses, her breaths fraught. Maria tilts her head up, her heart thudding in her chest as she folds her arms defiantly to stare down the goddess of death unflinchingly. “Don’t you?”

Hela only looks the slightest bit surprised, before her face smooths out again. “Yes,” she says, looking back to hold Maria’s gaze. “Yes, I do.”

They none of them say a single word at that, Maria’s thoughts reeling as she racks her brain to try to find out a way to make the goddess herself confess, until Hope’s voice echoes, light and soft. The Wasp is fitting her gloves on with a sharp snap, but she stares at the goddess, something bright and brimming in her eyes.

“You gave her the oblivion dagger, didn’t you?”

“You’ve read too many fairytales,” Hela says, but Maria spots the ripple of unease in her features.

“What’s the oblivion dagger?” Maria demands, just as Rumlow and Rhodey begin to rifle through the pages of the book. “What is it? Why does Toni have it?”

“The only dagger with the ability to pierce Thanos’ hide. The skin of a Titan,” Hope says, her breaths hitching as she explains, and she wrings her hands uncomfortably, before lifting her gaze. “That amount of power cannot be wielded by a human. It was only meant for gods and even they couldn’t withstand it for long. To give it to Toni…”

Meant Toni would die, the unspoken sentiment whispers in the air around them. Maria flinches before she can stop herself, her breaths fraught. Though she can understand Toni, she’s _hurt_. She remembers the way Toni had looked towards her after speaking to the Barton children, the way Toni had told her a flippant goodbye. Maria had thought it was a joke at first, but now she knows the truth.

Toni was saying her goodbyes, because she knew she wouldn’t come out of the fight alive.

And then annoyance and frustration towards Toni Stark ripples through her. How dare she try to die, without even telling them? How could Toni think that she was even sparing them by simply giving them her goodbyes?

“I tried to take it back,” Hela says, her voice sharp. “She wouldn’t let me.”

“So, she’ll die?” Rhodey’s breaths are taut and his voice is accusing. “No wonder she was saying goodbye—that—,”

Valkyrie’s eyes narrow, as Rhodey descends into breathless curses, his cheeks red as tears threaten to fall. “What about an Asgardian?” she offers, but Hela is shaking her head.

“Asgardians are still not gods, not even Thor,” Hela explains. “Toni refuses to give back the blade. She’ll die if she uses it.”

Maria narrows her gaze, shaking her head. “No, she _won’t_ ,” she snaps, as she marches off to where Dr Strange is standing.

When Toni comes into the room, there’s an almost instant calm and Maria sees the surprise flicker briefly over her features. Her heart aches for Toni. How Toni deserves to be happy, she thinks sadly, remembering the woman at her mother’s grave, falling apart.

“With these,” Toni says, lifting the false gleaming stones that look remarkably like the real thing, “we’ll lure Thanos here. While Thor is destroying the Tesseract, we’ll trap him. And how do you trap a Titan?”

“Hit him over the head,” Rocket says, as Nebula rolls her eyes.

“I’d like to see you try, short stack,” Toni rebuffs, a grin curling at her mouth. The sight of it gives Maria some reprieve. “Any other ideas?”

“Magic,” Dr Strange offers, almost lazy as a few sparks clatter about his fingers.

Thor and Hela roll their eyes at him, but it’s the latter who lifts her head and speaks. Her voice is quiet and lined with an edge of defensiveness as she says, “You love him.”

Toni’s eyes spark. The way she looks at the goddess reminds Maria of the way that she’d looked when someone in the team had tried to accuse Hela of Thanos’ crimes. Maria has never been privy to Toni’s anger before, but now she knows it’s a terrifyingly cold thing and she never wants to be at the end of it. She’d thought that Natasha had been scary when she’d met her the first time and Natasha had smashed Coulson’s head into a table, but Iron Woman’s anger is something different.

“He’ll come for you, too, Hela,” she says, her voice soft. “Once he’s got the stones, he’ll try to take you with him.”

“Then we’ll tear him apart,” Nebula says aggressively, as Toni nods fiercely.

Then, Thanos _comes_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of stuff happened here, so I hope it wasn't too much! I just kind of got really carried away in writing, lol, and I only hope that you enjoyed the chapter! Shit's gonna go down in the next chapter, when Thanos comes, so just a quick head's up for that. Thank you so much for reading! :D


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a very tiring week for me personally, but I'm glad that I managed to get this done in time. Thank you all so much for such kind words and for reading! 
> 
> Can you believe the one thing that cheered me up was the news that Gwenyth Paltrow is retiring from MCU? DING DONG THE BITCH IS GONE! (I'm really sorry if you guys like Pepper, but I'm so excited!) I know that it would be too much to hope for Pepper to finally receive the consequences of her shitty actions, but in any case, Paltrow can go sell her shitty vagina eggs and get her science-hating ass off my screen! 
> 
> This chapter took a lot out of me, which I think you'll see, but I still hope it's okay and that you like it anyway! I hope you enjoy reading it!

Their priorities are Stephen, Vision, and destroying the Tesseract, Toni reminds herself just before the Tower blows up.

She’s thrown back, her entire body out of her control, but Toni’s been expecting it, refusing to through another building. The air around them goes up in smoke and ash, as Toni briefly mourns her home, cursing Thanos. The Iron Woman suit forms around her in record time and she’s already reaching out for Rhodey, shouting out a set of commands that will successfully take Maria, Rumlow, and Hela to their assigned positions for the fight.

Just as War Machine settles around Rhodey’s form, Toni lets go of him, before she tilts herself in mid-air, tumbling to her knees. She’s dragged back against the dirt, but crouches to a kneeling position before she lifts her head. Buildings around them have all collapsed and fallen apart, as Toni realises that Thanos didn’t come for them personally.

He’d just seen the trap and completely fallen for it.

His large form looms over what remains of Central Park, as the Chitauri aliens crawl out of the spaceship above them. Toni breathes hard as she turns her head to make sure that the others are okay. The explosion was hard, but it seems like most of them made it out alright, to her resounding relief. As Strange and Thor work on pulling apart the Tesseract to get at the stone, the Avengers and the Guardians get to work.

The Wasp is already in the air, pulling apart the Chitauri aliens as she and War Machine make to close the portal, their voices in Toni’s ear. Bruce and Nebula were on border perimeter and monitoring control over the air, though the latter would be soon coming back into the fight. King T’Challa and his Wakandan army would be coming soon, Toni thinks to herself, bracingly as she moves.

Toni focuses on the aliens in front of her, blasting them apart without abandon, as she moves, her breaths fraught. It’s exactly like New York, she thinks, her heart pounding in her chest, except this time, there’s no Loki.

She’d _prefer_ Loki, all things considering.

Rogers and Romanoff are working together, Barnes and Wilson by their side as they tear apart the Chitauri as hard as they can, lifting themselves onto fallen debris and broken buildings. The Guardians are faster, Drax roaring as he lunges towards Thanos but getting pushed by the aliens in his way and Rocket and Groot are howling as they fire a machine gun with a multitude of bullets that seem never-ending.

“He’s too close to Vision,” Wanda’s voice echoes in her comms and Toni goes cold. “I don’t think he’s fallen for the decoy stones. The Wakandan soldiers are starting to fall.”

“Worth a try. Alright, come on,” Toni mutters. “Fri, take me into the air.”

“Yes, boss,” comes the voice that always has her back.

“Toni, be careful!” Rhodey calls out after her, just as Steve’s head snaps up, too.

Toni can’t answer him without lying, so instead she just continues, head-on, straight for Thanos. The air ripples around her as the Chitauri aliens try to push her back, but Toni only blasts them apart easily with her repulsors, almost carelessly as she moves. She makes as much noise as possible, anything to attract Thanos’ attention, and as she sends a sharp explosion through a crowd of Chitauri, the ground around them shifting, she has it.

Thanos’ head snaps up, away from where he’s moving towards the safe house, but Toni doesn’t let herself breathe just yet. His gaze turns to focus on her, flitting past her soulmark, before he breathes out. The gauntlet at his hand gleams in the light, the stones glittering, and Toni remembers the blade stored away safely in the compartment of her gauntlets.

“You,” Thanos says, and his voice echoes, deep and powerful.

Toni says, “Me.”

As she stands before him, the Chitauri pooling away at Thanos’ command, Toni takes a deep breath. She shuts off the comms for the Avengers, barely holding back from rolling her eyes at the panicked shouts Steve is making in her ears. Focuses only on Thanos, tilting her head back. The Titan simply looks back at her, as though they are sitting across each other in a coffee shop, old friends giving each other bad news.

“Have you come to deliver me the stones, Toni Stark?” he asks, as Toni blinks. “Have you finally seen what I have known for centuries? This world, this universe does not deserve either of us.”

“Do not let him distract you,” Nebula snaps in her ear.

“Yeah, I know,” Toni says. “We’re terrible things.”

“No,” Thanos says, shaking his head. “No, we are glorious things. You and I are the same, Stark. Prophets. Visionaries. Hearts bigger than we know what to do with. Our capacity for love alone—,”

“Oh my God, he’s monologuing,” Rhodey mutters.

“Please don’t align yourself with me,” Toni protests, as Thanos’ gaze narrows on her. “You’re an idiot. Soulmarks aren’t shit. Why would you want one?”

“You do not understand,” Thanos says, and he has the audacity to give a condescending smirk, a soft, patronising chuckle that raises her hackles. “The gods think to use you, Stark. Your own people use you,” he tells her, raising a hand to the crowds that are outside the evacuated borders, the armies and military that have settled into their positions. “I admire your courage, but you must know the truth. To everyone, you are cannon fodder.”

“Look—,”

“It is a sad life that you lead, Stark,” Thanos offers her, and Toni’s jaw drops.

How is _Thanos_ , of all people, feeling sorry for her?

She breathes hard, shaking her head, and opens her mouth to speak until there’s a roar. Barnes is suddenly there, the Soldier shifting her aside as the Chitauri aliens almost cleave them apart, the ground rippling around them. The Soldier decimates the aliens around them, just as Thanos takes a step forward, his gaze curious.

As Toni moves, Thanos bats her aside into the air and Toni barely manages to catch herself just in time, swerving heavily. She’s already bleeding and she’s sure she’s broken something, but at least she hasn’t been dropped into the crowds of aliens. The armies and crowds give a cheer and Toni groans at them. What are the people of New York made of?

It’s then she sees the fascinated light in Thanos’ eyes. He’s leaning forwards to Barnes, reaching for the gleaming arm she’d made him, and Toni lets out a scream, one that mingles with Steve’s, just as Thanos crushes it completely. The metal tears, electricity sparking at the joints, and Barnes screams, blood pouring from his stump. Thanos sends him down to his knees as he examines the arm with some fascination.

_For fuck’s sake,_ she wants to snarl. _That took me ages!_

There is a cruel smile on his face as he tosses away the arm. “Maybe she’ll make you another,” Thanos says, just as Barnes crumples.

“Nebula, now—get here, _now_!”

Before he can kill Barnes, Toni is barrelling forwards, her heart in her mouth, but she’s going to be too late, she realises. She’s too far away and even with the rocket thrusters at her feet, she can’t stop Thanos in time.

And then Thor’s voice echoes, “THANOS!”

That wasn’t supposed to happen, she thinks blindingly before she moves.

Toni lunges in to grab Barnes’ unconscious body, pulling him back, just as Thanos turns his head and lightning crackles around the entire city, striking most of the Chitauri dead. But the portal is still open, and aliens fall incessantly from the skies, screaming and howling. The drums of war echo and bang, as Toni flies Barnes out of the battlefield breathlessly.

Romanoff takes him, and Toni sees her eyes widen towards Thanos, turning her head back.

“Toni—,” Romanoff begins hotly.

“He left the fucking Tesseract!” Stephen is shouting down the comms. “How am I supposed to destroy this thing by myself?”

Toni’s breathless. “Valkyrie, Nebula, I need you both to get to Stephen,” she says, thinking fast, ignoring Nebula’s protests as Quill shouts at Nebula to listen. “Hide the stone, do anything.” She pauses at the sight of Barnes, wondering if she should stay or get to Thor.

“Go!” Romanoff tells her, tugging at the Winter Soldier’s unconscious body with a strength Toni knew she always had. “I’ll take care of Barnes—you stop Thor from getting himself killed!”

Not missing a beat, Toni turns back and lunges forward for Thor, who is roaring furiously for his Asgardian people and Loki, Stormbreaker crackling in his arms. He’s slammed the large hammer into Thanos’ chest and for a moment, Toni stops, breathless, her eyes widening. She can’t stop to think, but she does, and she wonders if Thor has done it.

“Your brother fell nobly, too, if that is any solace,” Thanos tells Thor, and he uses the gauntlet to draw out Stormbreaker.

The hammer shatters apart, the shards flying through the air, as the noise turns almost deafening. Thor is on the ground and Stephen is shouting something in the next instant, just as his cries go quiet. Toni can see Valkyrie moving before Thanos throws her back, too. The Tesseract is being drawn towards the gauntlet, to her horror, and as Wanda’s calls echo in her ear, she knows that Vision is moving, too, her heart sinking.

“No—,” Toni manages to scream, but Thanos has smashed apart the Tesseract with an ease that they couldn’t manage.

It splinters hard and fast, cracking apart, as the world around them grows heavy. Not even Thor held even a mite of the strength of the Titan, she realises faintly, as the blue space stone is forced into the gauntlet, gleaming in frustration. Thor’s body is slumped on the ground, as Toni surges forwards to reach for him. Thanos has lifted his hand, preparing to kill him, when a flash of green light echoes around the place.

Loki is a sharp figure beside her and Toni can’t even muster the surprise it takes for her to realise that he’s not dead, _again._ “I’m getting my brother, Stark,” he snaps out towards her. “Don’t fuck this up.”

As Loki leaves with Thor, Toni nods towards him. The gauntlet is almost complete, she realises, to her horror, and Toni breathes hard, forcing herself forwards.

“Thanos!” she shouts, aiming a repulsor between his eyes. “Over here, fucker!”

When she pulls the trigger, Thanos only smiles, but the reverberation sounds all around them and for a moment, the smoke from her blasts covers everything completely. Toni doesn’t let herself falter for a moment, knowing that things never come to her so easily, so she lunges forward into the smoke, reaching for Thanos’ head without hesitation.

Thanos is quick, but Toni is faster, pushing herself to the limit, as Thanos tries to grab a hold of the Iron Woman suit, to crush it apart. She’s quick and nimble as she grasps his neck, tightening briefly, forcing the largest repulsor she has against his head, fumbling for the blade, and Thanos moves before she can pull the trigger again, slamming her down into the ground.

Rocks fall into her suit, threatening to crush her completely, screams in her ear, her bones breaking apart and Toni is choking on her own blood. She’ll be buried in her suit, she realises, and ducks the next large rock just in time before it can take her head off. Exhaustion wrings itself out within her, but Toni forces herself to get to her feet, just as Thanos reaches for her again.

She darts out of the way, gripping the blade and trying to aim for his head again, before Thanos hits her with the gauntlet, backhanding her until she’s five feet down into the ground. Toni swears angrily, cursing hotly as she pummels her way back out of the dirt before it threatens to swallow her whole, the Iron Woman suit taking multiple hits and her body taking even worse, as Friday lists all the contusions detected.

When she’s on her feet again, Toni takes a moment to breathe hotly and Thanos even pauses as he looks at her. He blinks at her, as Toni coughs up blood, the adrenaline surging through her body. She’s just got to let it last long enough to get Thanos killed, she thinks to herself.

“All of that,” Thanos murmurs, “and you are still getting up.”

Toni grumbles tiredly, “Well, _someone’s_ got to.” She straightens and proceeds to bite out, “Besides, I’m not afraid of you.”

Thanos only smiles. “Is that terribly stupid or terribly brave, I wonder?”

“You tell me,” Toni mutters, before she makes to lunge for him again.

“I will return to you, I promise,” Thanos tells her.

The Mad Titan seems finished with her, batting her away _literally_ , as Toni realises something else has caught his eye. Or rather, some _one._ She’s thrown through the air, barely catching herself just in time, crashing against a fallen building, the red bricks sending up a spurt of dust around her. Toni groans, before she drags herself forward, pain wracking through her broken body.

“Vision,” she gasps, as the red android is forced forwards by the pull of Thanos’ gauntlet. “No—Friday, take him back! Take him back, now!”

“I cannot,” Friday says desperately. “Vision has locked me out. I fear it is the mind stone controlling him—,”

“Shit, shit, shit,” Toni huffs, as she scrambles forward.

She’s barely managed a few feet forward before the aliens come for her, and Toni snarls out a fierce curse towards them. But Wanda is suddenly there, and she’s never been so grateful to see the witch, whose red magic twists and cascades from her fingertips. There is more control in Wanda’s movements as she screams with the power it takes within her to force Thanos to his knees, and Toni forces a path towards her desperately.

The red magic curls around Thanos tightly, crumpling him briefly as the Titan’s eyes widen a little, and Vision blinks. He’s turning his head around, the fuzziness falling away from his features as he realises where he is. Toni is shouting out orders into her comms, desperate for any help at all as she forces away the aliens to get to Vision in time.

But there is nobody there.

Romanoff is still struggling with Barnes, too far away. Valkyrie, Nebula, and Stephen are unconscious. She has no idea where Loki has taken Thor. The Wasp has taken multiple hits and now Rhodey and Rocket are fighting to find a way to close the portal instead, Bruce throwing out multitudes of complex calculations as he and the Hulk work together, pummelling the aliens around them, with Groot and Drax badly injured. Wilson, Quill, and Steve are working together desperately, but the Chitauri aliens are too many.

“You are strong, little thing,” he admits. “But I think you know that it is not enough.”

“No!” Wanda howls, as Thanos shakes his head.

Toni screams, surging forwards as Thanos leans forward with the gauntlet. She sees Wanda throwing herself in front of Vision, Thanos’ eyes widening with some surprise, and then Wanda’s body crumples forward, falling apart in front of Vision, the last of her red magic bursting from her to throw Vision back across the ground. Toni takes her chance, barely swallowing her sobs, to reach for Vision.

“Vision!” she screams, as Vision’s face creases with horror over Wanda’s dead form.

In the corner of her eye, Toni sees Thanos move, screams Vision’s name as she lunges forward.

Vision turns his head towards her, always gentle and trusting even in the middle of battle, and it’s right then as their eyes meet that the mind stone cracks apart right before her very eyes. To her climbing horror, Vision’s form slumps and he crumples next to Wanda as Toni screams so hard her throat cracks.

She’s sobbing helplessly, the blood from her wrist bleeding into the earth, as everything around her starts rumbling, crackling apart. Thanos is on his knees, the glow of the stones limning his face as the gauntlet brims with deep, beautiful gold, and Toni is caught in her own fury, the strings of rage and grief mingling together within her.

“No, no,” Toni cries. “He was _good_ , he was good, and you—,”

Thanos inclines his head to Toni. “I should thank you,” he murmurs, his gaze drifting to her soulmark.

Purple fucker, she thinks fiercely, before Toni gets to her feet and calls out to him, “People don’t need to die. You and me. Right here, right now. Let’s give them a show.”

“Do you have a death wish, Stark?”

“No, but you’re about to,” she snarls, and launches herself at him.

In hindsight, it was a terrible idea, Toni thinks as Thanos brings her down to the ground once more, the Iron Woman suit rattling around her incessantly. She’s fierce and the adrenaline pulls her through as Toni forces herself to keep moving, shifting out of his way just in time, before slamming Thanos down herself, blasting the repulsors at him relentlessly.

Toni empties all of her arsenal on him, and it barely fazes the Titan.

Thanos only looks at her. “Extraordinary,” he murmurs to her, as Toni is thrown back in the air and she seizes herself just in time. “Do you realise the sequence of events that had to pass in order for this to happen, Stark? It is truly fate.”

“Fuck fate,” Toni mutters angrily, as the Iron Woman suit begins to fall apart under the sheer power of the stones.

“I can give you the peace that you seek, Stark,” Thanos offers her quietly. “Cease this mindless fight for your soul. It howls for solace. It is a broken thing. I can give you the peace that you deserve.”

“All I want is your fucking death—,”

“It will not hurt,” Thanos tells her. “After everything you have done, I owe you that much.”

And how is her life so fucking shitty that Thanos himself is trying to alleviate her pain?

Using his distraction, Toni forces herself to her feet and promptly barrels a range of repulsors and explosives towards the Titan, rage and grief propelling her forward, her breaths fraught. She’s thinking hard, calculations rattling through her reeling mind, as she forces herself forward. She just needs to get close enough to him, she thinks desperately, fingers already closing around the blade.

And then Thanos grabs her and slams her down on the ground.

The Iron Woman suit threatens to crash apart around her, but Toni is groaning in pain, the crack of bones echoing in the air around her. Screams pervade the air, but Thanos does not seem to care. He reaches forward, and Toni prepares herself, but the gauntlet gleams hotly. Thanos peels away Toni’s own gauntlet, showcasing the soulmark once more.

It’s torn apart, despite Hela’s best efforts, and the blood pours hotly through the ragged mark. Toni closes her eyes, feeling strangely as though she’s back in Siberia once more. Thanos displays it to the crowds, the Avengers, the Guardians, everyone, as he would a trophy, and Toni groans in pain and humiliation, trying to force her wracked body to get back up.

“ _Toni_!”

Steve is screaming her name.

“Look at what you have done to your hero,” Thanos says softly, rendering the crowds silent as they stare at her soulmark in horror. “Do they deserve you, Stark? I do not think so. You are in a lot of pain. My love has helped you this far. I think it only right that I be the one to seal it once more.”

Seal it? He doesn’t mean—

“No,” Toni’s eyes widen as she screams, “no, _don’t_ —,”

But the flesh is picking itself back up and knitting itself back together. It hurts more than when Hela did it, the skin pulling together in a way that stings and pain blooms hotly across her wrist. Toni is screaming, as Thanos draws open the memories for himself curiously.

“Your soulmate lied and betrayed you, left you to die,” he murmurs as the crowd hisses, uncertain and horrified. “What a waste of a soulmark. He did not respect the power he once held.”

“Stop—,” she gasps out, shaking her head stubbornly. “Stop it—,”

The gauntlet gleams and Thanos lifts his hand.

And then Toni can see it, can see the memories peeled back from her soulmark, screened above them like she’s some shitty YouTube video. There she is, howling after Steve for holding her worst secret, before he hits her so hard she can’t get back up. He’s ramming the shield into her arc reactor as Thanos watches, fascinated, and when Toni snarls after Steve, “You don’t deserve it!”, the Titan murmurs something.

Then, the world watches as Toni Stark cries in Siberia, sobs for her mother, before picking up the blade.

Even Thanos winces at the sight.

“You pitiful thing,” he says as she begins to slash at her soulmark and Toni can see it now, can see it properly. “What a terrible life you have led. No wonder my love cared so much. She has a soft spot for broken things.”

The chains holding Thanos break apart with every slash she makes, clattering and gleaming smugly. Toni wants to scream at her old self.

_Die with his mark on you, who gives a shit?_

_You unleashed a monster!_

But, to her surprise, Thanos is close enough towards her that she can see his neck gleaming, his false sympathy written all across his face. Toni breathes hard, feigning pain which isn’t hard to do but if she lets herself feel it completely, she knows she’ll simply collapse apart. So, she steels herself bracingly, grips the handle of the blade Hela gave her, and when Thanos moves again, Toni seizes her chance and lunges forward.

She grabs at his throat, driving the blade into his flesh, preparing to take them both to Hell—

Orange cascades around her completely.

The world shifts itself apart, just as Toni hears the brief cries of Rocket and Mantis, and suddenly, she realises that she’s passing through one of Stephen’s portals. Toni crashes heavily into someone’s arms, the orange light crackling around her, as the red cloak slips amidst her fingers, a comforting thing.

When she comes to, she realises that she’s in Steve’s arms and Toni surges out, crashing helplessly against the wall as she does so. She’s in a place that she doesn’t recognise, as Stephen moves forward to explain, the blood still dripping from her open soulmark. Romanoff’s eyes are wide with horror, Barnes and Wilson collapsed against each other. Steve is staring at her desperately, but Hela is moving towards her protectively.

“This is a safe house, Toni—,” Stephen begins.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Toni screams at them all.

Steve’s eyes are wide. “Toni, he was going to—,”

“ _No_!” Toni roars at them. “You idiots—I had one chance and I could have killed him and now every single life he takes now will be on you!”

“You would have died too!”

_“So?”_

The silence that echoes around them is deafening, as Toni reaches a hand to rub at her tear-filled eyes roughly, something hoarse in her throat. Vision’s slumped body makes her feel as though she’s going to be sick, before she faintly registers Romanoff’s slight cry and the pain that flares at her wrist. Toni surges up as a burning pain seizes her wrist, almost hitting Stephen, who manages to shift just in time.

"Toni," Steve breathes, his voice faint with horror. "What did you do to yourself?"

Red flares over Toni’s cheeks, her voice rasping.

Light spills over her mutilated soul mark, the flesh peeling in its half-healed state as blood seeps from the wound heavily. The soul mark gleams hotly, the shield emblem visible even amidst the torn flesh, and they all can't look away. Toni snatches her arm back to herself defensively, hating the way they're all staring at her, with those weird looks of slight sympathy and shock.

"You heard Thanos, didn’t you? He even gave a HD video of it all," she says, trying to be playful as she scrambles to get herself up and away from them.

"But why—how could you do that to yourself?" Romanoff says, her voice fraught with horror.

She looks like she's going to be sick, her face turning ashen. Toni shrugs carelessly, but her heart is pounding. They all need to go—they all need to either kill her or get _out_.

"Anger issues, PTSD, trauma, whatever you wanna call it," she answers flippantly. "Are you going to leave now?"

"You _mutilated_ yourself," Steve says, his voice taut with horror.

And really, that's a terrible way of putting it. Toni likes to think of it as cutting out the toxins in her life, but something tells her that Steve and the rest of the rogue Avengers, who tower above her frame, won't take to that interpretation.

She shakes her head, instead. “I don’t have time to deal with you,” Toni says. “I have to get that fucking blade back and ram it through Thanos’ skull—

Hela’s eyes are wide. “He’s here. Toni, _run_.”

.

.

Thanos calls for Hela, his voice soft as he reaches forward.

The gauntlet gleams hotly and Toni can feel the infinity stones wrapping painfully around her wrist as she screams hotly, dragged back out into what remains of New York, amidst the dust and the dirt. To her horror, Hela is forced out, too, as people start to scream in horror.

Thanos drags them both out into the open, Toni and Hela standing before him defiantly. The infinity stones glow fiercely, as Toni begins to think fast, breathless, but Hela is shaking her head towards her, the barest traces of magic crackling around her fingers.

“The oblivion blade,” Thanos is saying, his voice appreciative as he lifts the blade up in the air wonderingly, the sunlight gleaming through it. When he smashes it to pieces, Toni winces. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Stark. But clever as you might be, it takes a god to bring something so powerful back. And most of the gods are all but gone now.” He turns his head, his fingers brushing Hela’s curls back. “My love.”

Hela lifts her head, regal as ever. “I am not your love.”

“My lady, then,” Thanos says, but the pain flits across his face, making Toni disgusted. “I promise you I will make our soulmark with Stark’s own.” He pauses to look at Hela’s face. “You are displeased with me. I apologise for your distress, I truly do. I know the source of it, and I will rid it for you, I promise.”

And then he turns his head towards Toni, who swallows hard.

When Thanos comes for Toni this time, she’s woefully unprepared. Her entire body is aching up a storm and she knows that she’s got broken bones and she’s bleeding hotly, the adrenaline spike fading fast. She doesn’t even have the hope of the blade this time.

Even so, Toni keeps going.

She ducks and dodges the blows, barely able to keep herself from getting singed by the stones, even getting a few blasts towards Thanos herself. Friday is frantic in her suit, echoing out various commands and sometimes even directing her suit to better positions where she can hit Thanos faster, but all that is happening is Toni is tiring herself out.

Toni is starting to grow tired again, her breaths coming out fraught. Thanos slams her into the ground heavily once more and it takes her a few more seconds for her to get back up again, almost collapsing back down onto her knees.

And then Toni can see it, clear as day.

She’s going to die, she realises, Friday’s voice ringing out as she attempts to categorise the damage done to the armour, the realisation going over her like cold water. This is the killing blow. Thanos’ face has changed; he’s no longer playing games. Because, of _course_ this has all been a game to him. She never stood a chance against him. It was arrogant of her to even try.

This is it, then, she thinks. She was always going to die in the suit, Toni knows. She wonders over her friends with an aching heart. How terrified she’d been that they would leave her, never knowing that she would be the one to leave them first.

_I don’t want to die alone_ , she thinks, and realises that she soon will.

It’s deafeningly quiet around her and even the Guardians and Avengers are gone. Toni hopes no kids are watching this. The crowd is silent, holding their breath. They think she’ll come back, that she’ll do something amazing, pull out one last trick and they’ll be okay. She’s just got to hope that the Avengers do what they’re supposed to do and avenge.

Toni Stark’s last stand.

At least she’ll go out with a bang.

Toni’s breaths are tight when she speaks, using the last of her energy to tap out a few commands, as Thanos holds her in the air threateningly. She speaks quietly and softly, “Friday, darling, I love you—,”

“Toni?” Friday is confused first, before she realises what Toni is doing. Then she babbles, the AI’s voice fraught with a frantic pace that Toni never programmed for her. She’s so proud of Friday. “Toni, no, don’t cut me out, no, please—,”

“I know I was terrible,” Toni murmurs, her breaths hitching at all her regrets, “but I always loved you all, I promise you. I’m so proud of you, Friday—,”

“Don’t do it! Don’t do this to me, please, _please_ —,”

“I’m sorry, Friday, I’m so sorry,” she tells her AI, truly distraught. Toni had promised Friday she’d never put her through this again and here she was, breaking her promise like the terrible monster she was. “Tell them all that I loved them. Rhodey-bear, Maria, even Rumlow—,”

“You can tell them yourself, just—,”

Her voice is a soft rush of breathless affection. “I love you all. Know that, hold onto that. I love you—,”

With one blow, Toni tears Friday out of the suit, Friday’s helpless pleas ringing in her ear. It’s horribly quiet when Friday’s gone.

As Thanos looks at her in the eye, Toni knows it’s coming. He raises his hand, lifts her in the air, and she drops. Screams echo in the air around her, the world on fire, but she doesn’t see it. The world around her is growing darker. As she hits the ground, she doesn’t feel the impact, though she knows she should.

Toni closes her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... see you guys on Friday?
> 
> Thanks for reading! :D


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and leaving such great comments last chapter! I'm so glad that you enjoyed the last chapter - you all really made my day, so thank you for that. I know it was a tough cliffhanger, so I'm here to apologise and give you another one, lol. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter! :D

When they were in MIT, James Rhodes saw Toni Stark fall.

She was weighed down under an impressive amount of heavy bags and suitcases, far too immense for a girl of her stature, as she clumsily clambered into her dorm, either ignorant or uncaring of the stares she was gathering around her. Toni had fallen briefly, the heavy cases getting the better of her for a moment, before she’d gotten back up again.

In Afghanistan, Toni had sunk to her knees when she saw him and if she’d cried before getting back up, that was between them.

When the Mandarin blew a hole in her Malibu mansion and sent her to the depths of the sea, Toni had gotten back up yet again. It’s just what Toni Stark does.

But when Rhodey sees Toni Stark falling to the ground this time, she doesn’t get up.

“TONI!” Rhodey is roaring her name, howling his tears as someone holds him back. “Let me go, let me—TONI!”

She’s a crumpled, slumped figure on the ground, the suit crushed, red pooling around her. The crowd is screaming in horror, people are mourning, but Rhodey cannot care for them now. Look at what they have done to her.

No, no, this wasn’t supposed to happen, he thinks blindingly, sobbing. Toni doesn’t die. Toni doesn’t leave. He promised her he’d never leave her in MIT, all those years ago, and now he can see her drunk and incoherent with grief, as he tries to pull her away from the workshop table.

_“Obie says—says… Mama and Howard ’re gone. Promise you’ll never leave me too, platypus?”_

_“I promise. Now can you sleep?”_

_“Pinky promise!”_

_“You’re an actual five-year-old,” he says, but a grin is poking at his lips and he reaches out his fingers._

_Toni grips his hand tightly. “I won’t leave you, Rhodey, either. I promise.”_

“Stop it, Colonel!” Strange is hissing at him, pulling him back. “I know—,”

“You,” Rhodey snarls, turning to the wizard. “You swore she’d be safe, that she’d be alive!”

Strange’s brows furrow together. “I saw—,” he begins, before he shakes his head. “I cannot tell you what I saw. I’m sorry. But this was the only way.”

“You fucking—,”

Friday is hacking into his suit, Toni’s voice echoing in his ears so suddenly that Rhodey jerks. “I love you, I love you all—,” Toni’s voice hits him, before Friday’s over takes it over, the AI’s frantic panic explaining everything. “Toni locked me out, what do I do, Rhodey, what do I do—,”

And then Thanos is staring at Hela, whose face is impassive.

“I offer you your first gift, my love,” he says, gesturing to Toni’s dead body, his gaze reverent.

Hela’s eyes fall to Toni’s slumped body, magic crackling uselessly out of her fingers, before she lifts her head. There’s a resounding hatred that ripples through her features, twisting her face until it fades away to sheer _hurt._ Pain, Rhodey realises, and he knows what that’s like.

“You killed her,” Hela says, her voice stunned as she stares at him. “The one I chose.”

“Yes,” Thanos says, nervousness leaking into his face. He looks as though he might kneel for the goddess, his head lowered in respect and awe. “She is yours now. Take her, my love. She is a gift. My gift to you. Her soul is yours to carve and piece into your realm.”

Hela turns her face away and for a small moment, Rhodey can see the blinding grief and crippling pain writhing on her features, her eyes closed as though it hurts. When she takes another breath, it comes out deep and ragged, and the goddess looks like she’s about to cry. When Hela turns back, her face is impassive and regal as ever.

“This was not what I wanted,” she says instead. She shakes her head. “You were never what I wanted.”

Thanos only smiles. “My devotion is unending, my lady,” he says, completely ignoring her words. He continues, worship and some twisted form of affection lining the edge of his voice as he speaks. “I will lay myself at your feet, at your will. I will give you everything I have to offer.”

“I do not want it.”

“You will,” Thanos says.

And then he snaps his fingers.

.

.

Friday repeats Toni’s last message to her over again. Friday reaches for Toni Stark.

“I love you, Friday, darling, I love you—. Friday, darling, I love you—. Friday, darling, I love you—.”

Friday reaches for Toni Stark.

“Friday, darling, I love you—,”

Friday reaches—

.

.

Rhodey frowns at the way Friday’s voice cuts off suddenly.

“Fri?” he gets out shakily. “Friday—,”

His jaw drops in horror when she doesn’t answer, tapping at the comms in confusion. Rhodey’s heart begins to speed up in a strange sensation and he has the feeling that something is terribly, awfully wrong, his brows furrowing together. When he turns around, there is a blinding confusion rippling through the air around him.

He and Rocket managed to close up the portal, but by then, it was too late. It had been Maria who had brought him out of the battlefield, towards the safe house where they all slump heavily now, most of them completely unconscious. Rhodey had been strapping up to get back out there, to save Toni when Thanos had done it. Had killed her.

“Rhodes—,” Maria calls out to him, her eyes wide. She stumbles a little, the suit Toni gave her helping to keep her upright but only for a brief moment. She looks confused, as she speaks, breaths coming out hard and fast. “I can’t—my arm—,” Maria begins, before she lifts her head up to stare at him, a terror flickering through her features. “I think I’m having—I think I’m having a heart attack.”

Rhodey bolts towards her but Maria crumples to the ground helplessly. Her body drops like a stone in water, completely still, as Rhodey gasps, his heart hammering in his chest. When he feels for a pulse, it’s not there and his stomach drops as he calls her name, fingers to her nose to check her breathing.

But Maria is still.

Like Toni.

Clint is roaring Lila’s name as the little girl starts crying for her father. She’s looking panicked, stumbling openly into his arms for the first time since Rhodey saw him. “Daddy, my chest—it hurts—,”

“You’re okay, baby, I promise,” Clint babbles desperately, cradling the little girl.

And Rhodey watches in horror as Lila goes limp.

Cries echo around the world as Rhodey stumbles back in horror, as Clint sobs over his daughter’s body. When Rhodey turns, he sees the same panic etched out onto Rumlow’s face as Rumlow kneels beside Maria, something torn in his features. Loki’s face twists as Thor turns towards him.

“Brother—,”

Thor crumples to the ground as Loki cries out. Everything is blinding chaos as people fall, completely drop. Rhodey is gasping for breath, doesn’t know where to look.

Strange’s eyes are wide as pain ripples across his face. “It _hurts_ ,” he manages to get out in a strangled confused gasp.

He’s an asshole but Rhodey wouldn’t want this for him. The wizard had insisted that Toni be kept alive, though he wouldn’t say for what, which was why he had listened to Maria’s request. Despite their best efforts, Toni is still gone. He can see the man is terrified, as the cloak wraps itself valiantly around him, trying to hold him back to life. But Strange falls, with the others. Hope is crying softly, rocking her body over Maria’s, as the world implodes softly.

Shuri’s face is creased with terror. “Brother, I am _scared_ —,”

“It’s okay—,” T’Challa gets out, before abject pain wrenches his throat.

“It hurts, it _hurts_ —,” Shuri gets out, her voice hoarse as she cries.

She grabs her brother’s arm desperately, staring up at him in fear. Brother and sister crumple together to the ground, Okoye’s heart wrenching cry torn from her throat as she desperately gasps their names.

“Friday, what’s going on?”

But Friday does not answer.

Instead, Rumlow lifts his head from where he’s been cradling Maria’s hand.

“He did it,” he says dully. “He killed Toni. And then he killed half the universe.”

.

.

His best friend is dead.

Rhodey is slumped down on the floor, staring hopelessly as he ignores whatever Rumlow is saying. He can hear someone crying softly, but he doesn’t bother to look up, a numbness echoing through him. Beside him, DUM-e whirs and pushes a blanket into his lap. Rhodey accepts the bot’s kindness, patting him tiredly, but drops the blanket when DUM-e turns away.

Toni Stark is dead.

His best friend in the whole world, the only person he had left, is gone. It _hurts._ It hurts more than any mission he’d ever flown, more than waking up to find his legs numb and unfeeling, more than anything he’s ever known. His fingers are trembling, so he puts them in his lap, steadies his hand over his thighs, unable to even stomach looking at the leg braces she had lovingly destroyed herself over.

They’re all dead, he realises, head leaning back against the wall. Toni, Maria, Hope, Stephen. Barnes and Wilson are gone, too, Rogers crying helplessly as Romanoff struggles to look impassive, though the tears leak through, too. Clint screamed himself hoarse over his daughter’s body until Cooper and Nate started crying, as he realised he’d lost Laura, too. The Guardians, though Nebula had left, probably cutting her losses. Valkyrie and Thor are dead, Loki looking ashen-faced and traumatised over his brother’s body.

The silence only breaks with the sounds of crying and Rumlow’s voice.

Rumlow’s phone is ringing and Rhodey can hear Christine Everhart’s voice echoing through, distraught as the reporter desperately asks after Toni. “Please, please say Toni’s not—say she’s there, Brock, please—,”

When Rumlow answers quietly, Rhodey hears Christine’s sobs echo and he presses his lips together, eyes brimming with his own tears numbly. They had tried to save Toni, through Strange and Maria, and she had died at Thanos’ hands anyway. And before Rhodey could kill him for it, the purple Titan had disappeared. He sees Rumlow’s shadow flicker over him quietly, but doesn’t raise his head.

“Colonel Rhodes,” he says, his throat thick. “We—we have to answer the UN. They’re—half of them are still—,”

“You do it,” Rhodey says dully.

The thought of even raising his head, of summoning the energy to talk to people about Toni, about everything they’ve lost, makes him want to collapse. He’s lost everything he ever cared about, and he can’t even move anymore. If they want anything more from him, they’ll have to tear him apart where he sits, he thinks as Rumlow nods and leaves.

DUM-e sadly beeps at him, a series of clicks and lights flickering at him.

Rhodey turns to look at him in confusion, before the realisation sinks in slowly and his heart hurts even more. “Toni’s not coming back, bud,” he says, his voice cracking with badly held back sobs. “She’s—she’s not coming back. I don’t know where Friday is.”

The bot’s beeps grow even more confused, the pace of his whirs and lights growing faster. DUM-e doesn’t understand. He continues to send the same question at Rhodey until U moves forward to pull the bot back, away from him, as Rhodey stares at the two. Toni’s love brought all of her bots to life so much that even Friday disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers.

“What do we do now?” Natasha Romanoff asks quietly.

“Why are you asking me?” Rhodey snaps, as the Black Widow flinches at the sheer venom in his voice. “You fucking parasites leeched off Toni for all the answers, pretending like you were all in this together, and now she’s not here, now she’s gone—,”

His breath hitches sharply, and he has to stop himself. When Steve raises his head, Rhodey has to hold himself back from throwing something at him.

“I’m sorry, Rhodes—,” he begins.

“I don’t want your fucking apology, Rogers,” Rhodey snarls. “I want my best friend back.”

Steve’s face creases. “I—,”

“It’s always about you, isn’t it? You know what, if you hadn’t been such a fucking _shit_ ,” Rhodey snaps at Steve furiously. “If you’d just gotten your head out of your ass for a single moment to see how bad she’d gotten, if you’d just—,”

“She wouldn’t let us in,” Natasha says quietly. “She’d lock herself in the workshop almost every hour she could.”

“What, are you blaming her for not trusting you?” Rhodey snarls. “The first time we saw you, _Rushman_ , you were creating an unethical psych evaluation on her, using her palladium poisoning against her to feed on her insecurities and manipulate her into working for SHIELD. And then you stuck a needle into her neck.” He turns on Steve furiously. “And you. Your best friend killed her parents and then, instead of telling her, instead of being a fucking friend to the woman who has housed you, fed and clothed you, who has literally faced down gods for you, you killed her. What the fuck were you even thinking, man?” he accuses furiously, pointing at Steve. “Is it any wonder she couldn’t stand you shitheads?”

He still remembers watching the footage of Toni breaking down, his heart hurting for her. The way she’d grasped her head, stumbling back as she sobbed for relief, kneeling to the ground helplessly.

Unable to stand even being in the same room with them, Rhodey gets to his feet. He lurches a little, uncomfortable with the leg braces even now, but pushes himself forward, storming out of the room. He’s in the next room for a maximum of a few seconds before he sinks to his knees helplessly once more, sobbing.

_Toni_ , Rhodey thinks as he starts to cry, _why didn’t you get up?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I hope you have an awesome weekend! :D


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and for your comments last chapter! The response blew me away - I'm sorry for making so many of you cry, but I'm glad that the story's been a surprise to everyone so far. I wanted to subvert expectations and put my own twist on the soulmark au, and I'm honestly so grateful that you all accepted it. Thank you so much.
> 
> I enjoyed writing this chapter a lot, because it's what thirty-odd chapters have been finally leading to. Toni's character arc, the themes and motifs of the story, the foreshadowing and everything I've been scrambling and trying to lead up to all basically comes to fruition in this chapter. And the ones after, but this one marks a huge turning point. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

When she wakes, she’s in a garden.

Toni flinches immediately, her mind blaring with the memories as she startles awake, her heart pounding. She’s not in her Iron Woman suit, instead dressed in one of those simple flowery designer dresses she used to wear when she was younger, when she wanted to see her mother smile. There’s no blood over her, no broken bones—in fact, she feels _fantastic_.

When her gaze turns to the soulmark, it’s still there, her heart sinking, but the flesh has healed itself smoothly.

It’s a beautiful garden, she realises as she lifts her head up to look around. With an array of colourful flowers and soft greenery that runs across the valleys in the distance. A gorgeously blue brook babbles in the corner, running through the lush forest, the sun’s gold gleaming the place in colour.

The sound of quiet humming raises Toni’s attention and she gets to her feet immediately, relishing the way her body doesn’t ache in pain, tensing. Her shoulders grow stiff and she plants her feet, balancing herself carefully, as she looks around in confusion.

Where is she? Who brought her here? Where’s Thanos?

“Stop thinking so loudly and help me,” comes a voice, as Toni tenses.

An old woman is walking out into the garden, pulling on some gardening gloves and offering Toni a pair. She’s beautiful in a strange timeless way, smile wrinkles pressed around her mouth, but her eyes are sharp and bright. Toni finds herself staring before she can stop herself, her gaze lingering. There’s something in the way she looks at Toni that seems so familiar, like how Maria Stark used to smile at her—

“Mama—,” she begins, before shaking her head. The quiet beating of her heart speeds up a little in disappointment as the old woman turns, the light flickering across her face. “Sorry. You—you look like my mother.”

“I am everyone’s mother,” the woman says quietly.

Realisation hits her like a bell. “Gaia,” Toni blurts out before she can stop herself.

Gaia smiles to herself. “Hela always said you were clever,” she says softly, inclining her head.

Toni watches her, bewildered, as the Mother Goddess moves out into the garden, kneeling to the damp soil, brushing it away. She slowly pulls on her own gloves, not really having anything better to do, before she frowns, following the goddess through the path.

“I’ve never done this,” Toni tells her, half apologetic.

“Never a better time to learn,” Gaia only says, optimistic.

Watching the old woman drop the seeds into the damp earth, Toni helps her start digging around a few flowerpots. It takes some time for Gaia to lift the thriving flowers out of the pot, but she does so, with patience. Toni parts the earth so that Gaia can settle the flowers into the earth, using her fingers to bury the roots securely, patting the earth down.

“Am I dead?” Toni asks slowly, her voice quiet.

Her heart hammers as Gaia lifts her head up. “Depends on your definition,” she says. “Can you give me the trowel over there, dear?”

Toni hands the trowel, watching Gaia secure it within her palm, before asking again. “What does that mean?” she asks, but Gaia does not seem to hear her, focused only on the earth. “Does that mean I can go back? Because I have a job to do and I need to stop Thanos—,”

“You can go back,” Gaia says. “Or you can go forwards. Or you can stay here. The choices are endless.”

“No, they’re not,” Toni murmurs, shaking her head.

Years after Afghanistan and all it’s done is built her into a cage of her own making. Iron Woman had wrought upon her salvation, freedom, and a cage all at once. Everyone had tried to control her. Nobody had succeeded.

And now she is dead. Or something like that.

Toni’s gaze drops to the arc reactor in her chest before it turns to the soulmark at her wrist. If she is dead, then where is the peace of it all? All she can think of is the incessant rumbling that continues to plague her, a barrage of questions formed with Thanos, Hela, Rhodey, Friday—are they okay, what is happening? What will happen? Gaia is humming softly, before she answers, the song a quiet lull in the air, amidst the buzz of the flitting bees and dragonflies.

“Humans are funny things,” Gaia says, as she pours water on the flowers. “You all consider yourselves immortal. Everything, in the lives of the humans, is always so temporary. You live your lives out in the blink of an eye, proudly, even.” She pauses, her gaze lifting to Toni’s face as she smiles. “And yet, you still live.”

That makes her stop a little, as Toni thinks.

Has she lived? She would say so. And yet…

Toni thinks back to the previous months, the years she’s let fall by. She’d loved her life, but it had had cracks and horrors that couldn’t let her lie. Now look at the way she lives. Relentless, terrified, and paranoid. Was that any way to live? Toni’s heart clenches at the thought of it. Remembers the way Friday’s voice had caught when she’d begged Toni to put down the bottle. How Maria’s face had crumpled the first time she’d seen Toni screaming from her nightmares. The cold of the hospital floor when she had confessed the truth of Siberia to Rhodey.

All those nights she’d simply collapsed on the ground, staring hopelessly at her plans and notes, so alone she could choke on the loneliness as it slipped all around her. Yearning desperately for something other than the crushing, echoing numbness as it threatened to drown her.

Toni would die a thousand times at Thanos’ hand than go back to that.

It’s not a life she’d imagined living, let alone watching anyone else live.

She thinks of the way Thanos had spooled out Siberia from her soulmark, had displayed it to the world, and winces.

“I don’t think I’ve lived,” Toni murmurs, her voice drenched in sadness. “These months—no, years, I’ve just worried about Thanos.”

“What a terrible burden to bear upon your shoulders.” Gaia’s voice is gentler than Toni deserves. “We shared the guilt and the burden amongst hundreds of gods and Titans and it still was not enough.”

A small silence pervades her words as they linger thickly in the air. Toni’s mind reels, before she looks around the beautiful valleys and the gleaming garden they’re settled in, a restless thing. She almost imagines her arc reactor to gleam blue, almost tells Friday to start taking notes or to tell her where she is, before she manages to stop herself just in time.

“How am I here?” Toni asks, her voice taut. “Why am I not—is this meant to be like Heaven or something?”

Gaia laughs, and she sounds so much like Mama that Toni stills. “You are here, because of Hela,” she explains, as Toni frowns, something like guilt beginning to bury within her.

“I don’t—I don’t understand—,”

The Mother Goddess gestures for her to kneel back down and help her pat the earth around another bed of red roses. “The little power Hela had left, she used to save you,” Gaia explains. “She called for me, and I answered. I always protect my children.”

Why would Hela do such a thing? Toni’s breaths are growing heavy and ragged, as she furrows her brows in confusion. That meant that Hela could have saved herself, instead of a dead woman. Could have gotten away from Thanos, could have finally escaped, and _lived._ Lived freely, joyously, in the way Toni had never been able to, not since Siberia.

“Thank you for saving me. But—why would she do that?” Toni asks, her eyes wide with confusion. “She—she could have saved herself, why would she waste that magic on me? When—when I was dead anyway?”

Gaia gives a soft shrug of her shoulders. “I suppose she thought you were worth saving.”

Then realisation hits Toni as the confusion fades away. “You mean Iron Woman,” she corrects sadly. “She wanted to save Iron Woman.”

The goddess eyes her critically, before shaking her head. Her voice is slightly stricter when she speaks, edged with a sharper tone.

“If Hela wanted me to save Iron Woman, I would have taken the suit, too. She could have saved herself, yes. But she chose _you_ ,” she tells Toni. “As it is, here you are. Your suit remains at Hela’s feet.”

The guilt hits her, full blast then.

Toni’s stomach recoils at the thought of it, the thought of Thanos finally grasping Hela, snapping his fingers. Hela, who had been caged away for a thousand years, who had barely gotten a chance to breathe or even live the moment she’d climbed her way out before Toni was forcing her back into a war. Her friends who would, no doubt, curse her for her stupidity in letting Thanos get the better of her, not when she still could have done something more. Friday, who had begged her to stay, and Toni could not uphold her promise.

“I have to go back,” Toni says, shaking her head when Gaia offers her the trowel. “I’m—I’m Earth’s Greatest Defender. I have a job to do.”

Slightly frantic, she rises from her kneeled position besides the goddess, half wary, half expecting Gaia to force her down once more. Toni lets out a breath of slow relief when she realises Gaia won’t stop her.

“Why do _you_ have to do it?” Gaia only asks serenely. She looks genuinely curious, as though she’d like nothing better than to hear Toni’s list of mistakes and explanations. “Why must you alone share the burden?”

Toni rubs her face tiredly, the usual exhaustion threatening to creep in. “Because—because it’s my mistake to fix,” she tells Gaia, before pointing at the soulmark. “Hela had a plan and we could have defeated Thanos together, but I went and ruined it, like I ruin everything. She depended on me, believed in me. She—she made the biggest sacrifice to cage Thanos.”

And Toni had ruined their chances.

Howard was always right.

“So did you.” Gaia’s voice is clear as she lifts her head.

Toni frowns. “What?”

But Gaia does not seem to have heard, her head bowed over her bed of roses. “Hela was always too enamoured with the humans,” she murmured. “I told her not to meddle too much. The soulmarks should have been left alone, left as the gift I delivered and that would be it.”

Gift?

Toni thinks of her soulmark. The sheer distress, the anguish it’s pulled her through, over the years. Her father’s rage when he saw the shield form for the first time, the bandage tightening around the wrist, her mother’s soft worry when she thought Toni wasn’t looking. The hungry reporters swarming at her wrist like sharks in the water, Obie trying to sneak a peek those few times, Ross discovering the mark and exposing her to the world.

The man she’d loved lying to her about her mother’s death, slamming her father’s shield into her chest, and leaving her to die in the cold.

Soulmarks are a _curse._

“I can hear your thoughts,” Gaia says softly, but there’s the tiniest trace of hurt in her voice that makes Toni feel guilty. She continues to water the plants. “Thanos cannot make a soulmark,” she tells her softly. “Not even with the infinity stones. It would only be a shadow of what he wanted, an extension of the chains that kept both him and Hela down. Soulmarks were never meant for anyone else but humans.”

“So, he’s… going to fail?”

Gaia inclines her head. “He won’t be very happy about it,” she says grimly. She eyes Toni and when she speaks, her voice edges on the line of defensiveness. “There are many humans who are grateful for my soulmarks. For tempering Kronos’ fury and delivering some semblance of hope to a hopeless world, some salvation to the love-starved humans. A partner to share life’s joys and sadness with.”

Hela’s voice rings back to her. _Gaia thought she was being kind._

“It—it’s not your fault,” Toni tells her. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“You could not hurt me,” Gaia tells her, giving a gentle, patronising smile. “Had things fallen into place, without Hela’s meddling, you and your soulmate would be happy.”

Toni doesn’t really think so. Even without Hela and Thanos, Steve would remain stubborn and righteous. She would still be arrogant and persistent. Perhaps they’d have been able to get through that, like Gaia thought, but maybe not. In any case, Toni thinks distractedly, she doesn’t _need_ Steve.

It’s this last thought that startles her.

She knows it, has known it, but to have it spelled out properly for her shocks her. She doesn’t _need_ Steve. It’s such a simple thing, but Toni feels like she’s been hit over the head. Though Gaia believes humans live and breathe for their soulmates, Toni _knows_ they don’t.

Rhodey’s soulmate is dead. Maria still hasn’t found hers and believes that she likely won’t. Stephen Strange could not get along with his soulmate. Howard and Maria were soulmates, but Mama would have left in an instant and never looked back if Toni had asked.

But that doesn’t mean their lives have stopped.

Rhodey loves her. Maria has told her repeatedly how much she cares for her, even spent an entire night looking for her. Stephen followed her onto Thor’s ship and defended her. Howard and Maria died on the same road, begging desperately for the other to live. Love did not come in just a single form, Toni realises, something warm in her stomach.

Love did not have to be restricted to soulmarks.

Hell, Toni thinks giddily. She could be her own soulmate, if she wanted. What did it even matter?

She furrows her brows towards Gaia, half tense. “If you’re here… then is Kronos around, too?” she asks. “Will they all be popping up?”

A brief flicker of pain flits across Gaia’s face before she answers, “Gone. Some gods cannot stay. Others wish to pass on. Kronos would never leave me willingly.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Do not be. His memory lies here.”

“How could you forgive him?” Toni asks. “He—he did something terrible.”

“I have forgiven him,” Gaia says. “We were supposed to protect the universe, to keep it quiet. Kronos unleashed something terrible in his jealousy. But he is my husband and I love him more than I can hate him. It is as simple as that.”

It didn’t sound very simple, but Toni knows it’s not her place to ask. She thinks briefly over Steve, realising that Gaia believes they can still return to each other, as soulmates. The very thought of it makes her feel sick. To think of being married to Steve and having him do something so awful to her hurts even more, she thinks and when she takes the heavy watering can from the mother goddess, a flash of gratefulness flits across her face.

“I’m not going to forgive Steve,” she tells Gaia, feeling the goddess’ steady, startled gaze on her. “He—he hurt me, and I deserve better. I trusted him, and I loved him, but he lied about my mother. I would have forgiven and accepted anything else, even if he had killed me himself. But he made a choice to do that to me and I’m making my choice too.”

Gaia is staring at her. “How long will you stay angry with him? Are you not afraid it may fester within you? Poison you away?”

Toni shrugs. “It’s not really about him,” she says. “It’s about your feelings, because funnily enough, you matter, too. Anger and hatred is just as valid an emotion as sadness and love. All we can do is feel them. Sometimes it’s better to simply cut a person away who’s hurt you. I found that one out the hard way.”

“I could not cut Kronos away,” Gaia says worriedly. “Who would I be?”

“Free,” Toni says quietly. “You’d be whoever you wanted to be.”

Something like relief lifts Gaia’s gaze, as she lets out a small, shattering breath and she leans forward to press her lips to Toni’s forehead. “Thank you, Toni Stark,” she murmurs, her voice soft and yielding. “You remind me of Hela so much. She was progressive, like you too,” she says softly. “How much I have missed her.”

“You could see her again,” Toni murmurs, before she clears her throat. “They need me. I have to go back. I have to help them.”

Gaia says serenely, “They don’t need you.” She traces her fingers gently, lovingly over a large oak tree, smiling after a buzzing bee. “There are other heroes. The world moves on.”

“I’m the first line of defence.”

“Some would say that you have performed your duty.”

“But Thanos is going to _kill_ everyone!” Toni tries to tamp down her frustrations.

The Mother Goddess gives a soft sigh, before looking at her calmly. When she speaks, her voice is motherly and gentle, in the same way Maria Stark used to talk to Toni, used to tell her stories in the nights.

“There are other heroes to stop him,” Gaia tells her, reaching out a hand to caress Toni’s cheek affectionately. “There will always be a Thanos, an Iron Woman, a Captain America. When evil arises, there will always be a reaction and humanity will always go on.”

“But—,”

“The decency of the world is not something to be taken lightly,” Gaia says, not letting her interrupt. “The kindness of people. It seemed like the end of the world a thousand years ago, a hundred years ago, ten years ago. Now. Things seem terrible now, because history is repeating itself all over again. But that is what history _does_. Terrible dictators, evil regimes, cruelty. It happens all the time.” Gaia leans in, her fingers soft against Toni’s cheek, her voice calm and gentle in a way that soothes Toni’s rising distress, calms her down. “But do you know what else happens, Toni Stark?”

“What?”

“Kindness,” the Mother Goddess tells her, as she reaches to help the struggling bee beside them. “Compassion. Empathy. The universe is capable of so much more than you know, and it will tilt itself back in balance once more.”

Toni stares at the goddess, her knees pressed into the dirt. She pauses to think, her brows furrowing as Gaia watches her, with a soft curl to her lips.

“They don’t need me,” she says slowly.

“No.”

“But _I_ need them.”

Gaia smiles wide. “Yes.”

Toni lifts her head to look into the goddess’ face, a taut desperation in her. Months, no, _years_ of breathing out ragged gasps, of hoping she would never wake up, just for the pain to stop, of burning to simply _stop._ She’d yearned to die, to escape into the quiet arms of Death, and she’d only ever held on because she thought the world still needed Iron Woman.

And just like that, sweet liberation lifts her out of the depths.

“I want to _live_ ,” she says quietly, her breaths fraught. “I don’t—I don’t want to waste away in death. I want to live my life. I want to—I want to be happy.”

Gaia says gently, a smile curving her lips as she brushes a stray curl behind Toni’s ear affectionately, “I have no doubt you will be, my dear.” She lets out a deep breath. “You have been in so much pain, Toni. I’m sorry for my part in it,” Gaia tells her gently, and slowly, Toni presses her fingers to the arc reactor. “You can let it out here. There are only the birds and the flowers here.”

And she does.

Toni sinks into the dirt and she cries for her mother, for her father and Obadiah, for Siberia and Steve and Barnes and what the Avengers were supposed to be and what they could have been and what they turned out to be and the Guardians and Gamora and Vision and Friday and Jarvis and her bots and Rhodey and Maria and Christine and Rumlow and everyone she’s known and the universe.

When she rises, she rises anew.

“Where do I go now?”

Gaia waters the plants calmly. “Wherever you want.”

In Afghanistan, people tried to make Toni Stark do something she didn’t want to do. In New York, Loki threw her out of a window and tried to take over the world. In Siberia, Steve Rogers slammed her father’s shield into her chest and left her to die a terrible death.

She’d thought, all this time that Iron Woman was her saviour. That Iron Woman had swooped in, to save the day. To pick her up out of Afghanistan and give her salvation, give her freedom. Fitting around her in New York automatically to gentle her pain and help her burn through the stars. To caress her body and ease her path to her mother again, in Siberia.

No. Toni Stark was her _own_ saviour. She _was_ Iron Woman.

_Big woman in a suit of armour_ , Steve Rogers had once said. _Take that off, what are you?_

Toni Stark. Iron Woman.

They were one and the same, after all.

“Thanos destroyed your universe,” Gaia tells her, eyes bright and sharp. “What are you going to do about it, Toni Stark?”

“I’m going to kick that purple fuckboy’s ass back to Hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing Gaia, and Toni's realisation that she wanted to live, stemming from her understanding that she's no longer as alone as she was in the beginning, that she's loved and that she wants to love, was so gratifying and cathartic to write. I really hope you liked this chapter! Thank you all so much for reading and see you on Wednesday! :D


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What I have to do: Dissertation, assignments, apply for jobs.   
> What I actually do: Cry. :D
> 
> Hi, everyone! Thank you all so much for reading and for last chapter's comments! I had so much fun writing that chapter, with Gaia and Toni both realising things, and I'm so glad that you all enjoyed it, too! I thought of cutting this chapter but then decided, eh. I really hope you like this chapter - enjoy! :D

When Toni wakes up again, she wakes to a universe in uproar.

And in the middle of nowhere.

Quite literally. Toni’s eyes snap open as she shifts, back in the shirt and trousers she was wearing before, realising she’s lying down in the middle of a road somewhere, amidst emptied cars that are screeching, smoke that seems to have shifted from the restaurant across the street, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone around. She looks around curiously, already getting to her feet, shoulders tense and stiff, but there’s nobody.

They’re _gone_ , Toni realises, her heart sinking as she straightens, her breaths fraught. It’s happened. Half the universe in the snap of a finger. Just like he’d promised. People are crying, screaming, cars are crashing, smoke billows in the air from planes smashing through crumbling buildings, and everywhere there lies slumped people, deathly still.

Usually she’d revel in the privacy, but now all she wants is for the world to be alive again.

Toni moves slowly through the street, preparing herself to feel some semblance of pain, but Gaia is a beauty and her body is perfectly fine. In fact, she feels even better than she had before, in the longest time. There’s finally real energy bursting through her, spurring her on in a way that she hadn’t felt since Afghanistan, and she’s got a sense of steadied purpose that keeps her going.

People are lying slumped on the ground around her, and Toni burns to help them, but she can’t do anything like this. She shifts them to safer positions when she can, grateful that Gaia healed her well enough, and keeps moving, tapping at her arc reactor. She’s got nothing but the clothes on her back and the arc reactor in her chest, but she was once dropped into a cave in Afghanistan with her heart carved out, so this is an upgrade, if anything.

Hissing when the arc reactor fizzes at her, Toni traipses into the nearest burger place hungrily. It’s almost completely deserted, but for the young girl shaking behind the counter, her eyes wide when she looks at Toni. There’s no recognition in her gaze, though, so Toni keeps walking.

“Hi,” she says, giving the girl a small grin. “Can I have a cheeseburger?” _Manners, Toni_ , Maria Stark’s voice echoes in the back of her head, lined with Gaia’s soft edge. “Please?”

The girl is staring at her. “Um,” she begins. “It’s—we don’t—everyone’s—,”

“I know, but I’m really hungry,” Toni says, and when her stomach grumbles, she points to it in triumph.

“Alright,” the girl mumbles, still a little bewildered as she rummages behind the counter. She keeps eyeing Toni carefully as she makes the burger, the fat sizzling and the smell wafting through the place. “You know, you look exactly like Toni Stark.”

“Yeah,” Toni says, aiming a grin at her as she taps at her arc reactor and fiddles with the sputtering electricity that fizzles out of it. “I get that a lot.”

When she’s made sure the girl has a place to get to safely and will be alright, discovering that she’s only downtown, Toni finally leaves the burger place. Toni eats the cheeseburger hungrily and walks until her legs ache, as she finds several shops and stations where she can see the news. Gaia couldn’t have at least given her a ride?

Christine’s on the screen, to Toni’s relief, citing pictures and videos of what’s been happening all around the world. They have clips of Thanos and even Hela, though they mostly focus on the Avengers and Iron Woman. People are grieving, distraught, for the end of the world, Toni realises, as the world falls apart. Christine’s voice hitches painfully when Iron Woman crumples at Thanos’ hand and Toni winces, especially when the reporter begins to cry.

She turns away quickly, focusing on the arc reactor.

“Friday, my best girl,” Toni says in a singsong, tapping at the arc reactor. “Fri? Wake up, honey, I’m stranded. Friday.” She frowns. “Friday?”

No answer. Toni furrows her brows at the arc reactor, tapping at it again. Still no answer. Something uncomfortable niggles in her stomach, but Toni doesn’t hesitate. She has to manually override the protocols by herself, calling for one of her cars, as she frowns. Maybe she locked Friday out permanently when Thanos killed her. Who knows what she’d done in her frazzled state?

Even so, a buzzing anxiety lingers in her skin.

The world’s on fire as she drives herself back to New York, eyeing the scattered armies and the border patrol with a quizzical eye. There’s no other way to get back into the fray without passing through the crowd, Toni realises, grimacing tightly.

Fuck it, she thinks and gets out of the car, head down.

People are deathly still, crying aloud or just quiet in their mourning, nobody able to move. Some people are helping others, easing them away from their dead loved ones on the grass, as Toni’s stomach clenches in guilt. Her gaze lingers on her crushed Iron Woman suit in the distance, keeping an eye open for Thanos but the Titan seems to have fucked off.

“Excuse me, ma’am, but you can’t go in there—,” one border guard tries to say when she attempts to slip under the line.

“I left something important back there,” Toni says easily, moving swiftly out of his way so he doesn’t touch her.

But the guard is tired and stubborn, shaking his head. It’s clear he’s been on the job for a long time, Toni realises, as he continues. “With all due respect, it’s dangerous, ma’am—,”

So am I, Toni thinks. She aims a bright smile at the guard.

“Thanos is gone, right?” she says, keeping her voice quiet, but even so, people around them are starting to look up. “Should be okay to me. Trust me, I’ll be in and out. You can even time me.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” the guard says, shaking his head tiredly. “Nobody can go into New York right now.”

That’s a bummer, Toni thinks. “I said I’d be quick,” she promises smoothly, just as the guard frowns at her.

He’s staring at her, before his gaze turns to the crushed Iron Woman suit in the distance. Realisation proceeds to descend upon him, thick and fast, and Toni can pinpoint the actual second where it dawns on him, his eyes widening. Toni presses her finger to her lips, grinning across her face as the guard proceeds to swear loudly.

“You’re—,”

“Going to get inside?” Toni aims a dazzling smile at him. “Thanks!”

“Oh my God!” The guard is almost crumpling to his knees, his exclamations raising the attention of the people around him.

“Shit, is he—I thought it was over—,” someone says in horror.

People are already getting to their feet, some of them medical personnel, some of them just good Samaritans. Toni reaches out to steady the guard, who barrages back, his eyes wide, as he lets out a startled shout. She rolls her eyes at him.

“Now you’re overreacting,” she says.

“You’re—we saw—you—,” the guard begins before a little girl trying to comfort her mother who is crying over her baby looks up.

“It’s Toni Stark!” the girl exclaims loudly, pointing.

“No, it’s not!” Toni tries to say, to no avail, as the crowd turns.

She prepares herself, cringing, for the hail of abuse and accusations to be thrown at her. This is why she hardly ever goes out in public, unlike the other Avengers. People flock to Captain America in awe or War Machine with amazement, but they hurl the blame at Toni Stark. Iron Woman is the scapegoat for the Avengers and she’s been shouldering the blame for the longest time. Will these people accuse her for the loss of their universe, too?

But nothing seems to be happening.

When Toni opens one eye, people are just staring at her, their mouths dropped open. There’s a stillness in the air that emanates as everyone simply stares, wide-eyed with shock. Some of them look down to her bare wrist where the soulmark of the shield gleams openly, so obviously unmarred. But mostly, their gazes focus on her face, almost hungry and desperate, as something like hope lingers in the slow dawning light of their eyes.

“Good Lord, we’re _saved_ ,” an old lady murmurs and her voice echoes like a shot, breaking the silence.

Huh?

“Are you here? Is it really—,”

“We saw you—,”

“We saw the soulmark—,”

“And the guy—,”

"Iron Woman's alive," someone breathes and there's hope in the air once more. "Toni Stark still _lives_."

There’s a barrage of questions almost hitting her, as Toni winces, flinching back instinctively. People are automatic as they move back, seeking to settle some space around her. She doesn’t really like the way that people are looking at her, like she’s their saviour. She doesn’t want to be a saviour.

“He’s gone,” a teenage boy tells her. “The purple guy. He trapped the woman in a cage and then they disappeared together.”

“What about the Avengers?” Toni asks, her brows furrowed. “And the other people I brought down?”

A woman furrows her brows. “We haven’t seen them,” she says, shaking her head. “I saw a woman with antenna get pulled into some orange circle.”

“This raccoon rammed a spear into the portal and made it stop!”

“He doesn’t like to be called a raccoon,” Toni murmurs automatically.

“I saw Iron Patriot—,”

“War Machine,” she corrects under her breath.

“—get into the orange circle, too.”

“Wizards of the Sanctum. Yeah, they’re a thing,” Toni tells them, as they just stare at her blankly. “That would have been Dr Strange. Hopefully he managed to get them all out in time.” She taps her arc reactor, restless in her thoughts as she makes her plan. “Was it an orange circle that Thanos disappeared into? The purple guy,” she clarifies quickly when they look confused.

“No, it was gold coloured. Like that glove thing he was wearing,” a girl tells her. She’s hesitant when she speaks again. “Ms Stark?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry about Siberia.”

Toni inhales sharply. _Shit_. Shit, shit, shit. People are staring at her even more now, but they’re looking fraught and sympathetic, instead of angry. Toni’s not sure which she’d prefer, at this point, her stomach curdling. For a moment, she expects her soulmark to ache or burn, startled when it doesn’t.

She begins awkwardly, “Uh—,”

“It doesn’t hurt, does it, dear?” an old woman asks her, hobbling forwards. “I have a first aid kit, if you need it.”

It’s like a dam has burst open. The teenage boy’s nodding. “First Aiders are, like, right there—,”

“I’m a certified physician—,”

“My uncle got stabbed once and we had to put pressure—,”

“I’m fine,” Toni says. She raises her wrist, waves it a little with a soft grin. “Siberia was ages ago—,”

“Seven months,” someone corrects.

Toni’s smile falters. “Yeah, well. I’d rather we don’t talk about it—ever.”

“Well, for what it’s worth, Ms Stark,” the boy says, “we’re on your side. We know what Cap did to you, and that was wrong.”

“ _How_ are you back?” The girl asks, wide-eyed. “We saw you—he threw you into the ground—!”

“You didn’t get up,” the old woman says softly.

The guard eyes her. “Are you a ghost?”

Toni rolls her eyes and pokes him. “Could a ghost do that?” she rebuffs easily, snickering at the collective relief that settles on the crowd around her. “He snapped his fingers, didn’t he? The giant glove he had on his hand. He snapped it?”

They all nod mutely, grief hollowed out on their faces.

Toni feels her heart ache for them. This is everything she didn’t want, everything she’d wanted to avoid. The guilt rises up to strangle her, but Toni thinks of Rhodey, who’d told her that it wasn’t her fault. Hela, who could have saved herself but saved Toni instead, because she thought Toni Stark was worth saving. Gaia, who had asked why she alone should shoulder the heavy burden of the universe. Slowly, Toni feels herself begin to rise.

“My mom—she’s—,” the girl begins, crying. “I told her I hated her, because she wouldn’t let me see the fight, and—and then—she said her arm was—and I tried to get a doctor, but she fell—,”

“I’m sorry,” Toni says, her throat raw. She breathes hard, trying to blink properly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to let you down—,”

“It’s not your fault,” the girl says, bewildered, as she looks up at Toni through wet eyes. “You fought for us to the end.”

Toni stares, but there’s a murmur of acknowledgement at her words. The crowd is nodding towards her, as Toni thinks that over. She did, didn’t she? She fought until she died and even that wasn’t enough.

“I’m going to try to stop this, okay?” she tells them quietly, firmly, her breaths fraught. “I’m going to try.”

“You’ve got a plan?” the boy asks, and that’s _hope_ bleeding out amidst the small crowd around her.

Toni nods, startled at the sheer amount of faith they have in her. “Twelve percent of a plan,” she says, not wanting to raise their hopes.

But they’re looking determined. Ready, braced. The grief’s been pushed aside, set to deal with later, replaced with the taut stubbornness that rings in every person of the universe. Toni looks at them and wonders why she ever thought she could have done this alone.

“Better than nothing. Besides, I always say those are the best kind of plans,” the old man beside her says cheerfully. He looks like Hugh Hefner, Toni thinks distractedly, wondering if she’d seen him on the red carpet a few times.

The guard lifts his head. “Well, ma’am, you’re going to need to get inside New York, if you want your plan to work.”

.

.

Toni climbs up the stairs to the Tower, cursing the amount of floors she’d put in.

It was all well and fun having a fancy tower for a home, wanting to touch the skies, knowing that she needed the launchpad for Iron Woman, but the height was enough to kill her, if Thanos didn’t, she thought, grumbling. She’d called for Friday to activate the elevator, but Friday hadn’t answered, which means that she had taken herself offline, as Toni had told her to, to her relief. All she needs to do is plug Friday back in and she can get to work.

When Toni finally gets to the top, she lets out a breath of relief and sighs to see the familiar layout of her home before her.

Most of the Tower is intact, as she’d built it to withstand several natural phenomena, and though there are a few cracked walls, a few walls that are completely disintegrated, it makes for a nicer room. More light, Toni thinks, as the gleaming sun streams through the left side, limning the place up in gold. They all needed more light in their lives.

She moves carefully, grateful that she’d had the bots taken to the safehouse, too. There would have been no way that they’d have survived this destruction. Toni makes it to her desk, kissing the surface when the bright screen flickers before flooding with power.

“Yes! Houston, we have lift off! Now, where’s my beautiful girl Friday?” Toni says, grinning and drumming her fingers on the counter as she looks around. The cameras aren’t working, and she can’t hear the soft whirr of the computers that usually precede Friday. Her smile fades, something clenching her heart tightly, and when she speaks, her voice is quieter. “Fri?”

The world is echoing and silent around her. Toni rams the keypad down, almost breaking it in her desperation, jams in Friday’s code. But it’s not there. Friday’s gone.

Toni feels like she’s been punched in the gut, grief clinging to her throat, as she pushes everything off the table in an impatient blur, forehead creased. She deletes the code, enters it again. Once. Twice. Friday’s last commands echo in the air. Slams her fist into the wall before she can stop herself, the pain blooming hotly across her knuckles.

“Fuck!” Toni shouts, a half sob escaping her mouth. “ _Friday_!”

She’s so distraught she turns around, her gaze falling on the liquor cabinet. It’s completely empty, but Toni kept it as a reminder, brought it with her. And then, Toni’s resolve sharpens. She breathes hard, focusing herself properly, something taut and stiff clenched within her as she moves forward back to the flickering blue screens.

It doesn’t take her long to start making calls and connections to the Milano, grateful for Rocket’s excellent tech, plugging herself back into the remains of the Compound to access the keypad and controls. Only one figure remains in the Milano and it’s exactly the person Toni’s been looking for, she realises grimly, before she starts accessing different points of the universe, looking for Thanos, through the Milano and Thor’s ship.

Toni accesses Xander’s news stations, grateful when she realises that it reaches most of the galaxy, and darts forward to pull out the microphone she once bought for Rhodey’s karaoke-themed birthday party. Her hand grasps the microphone tightly, memories of crooning love songs to Rhodey in purposefully off-key notes to make him laugh hitting her like a ton of bricks. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself.

_This one’s for you, Friday._

“Testing, testing…” Toni calls out in the microphone, watching the audio pick up amidst Xanderian news channels. “One, two, one, two, can you hear me? I’m looking for a purple Titan, about this tall, face like a rotting nutsack. Total asshole, seems to think killing half of the population of the universe will gain him points for his lack of a relationship. Here’s a note, dickhead. No means no, shitface. Leave her alone.”

People are starting to realise she’s back and she can see the crowds shifting below, all of them startled, as Toni taps out a few keys on the Xanderian channels to make sure her message is going through. She knows that it is and wonders briefly if aliens are watching her right now. Her phone and screens are starting to blow up with messages, blinking frantically at her. Toni swings the microphone in her fingers easily and steps out onto the landing pad, the new Iron Woman armour already fitting to her easily.

“Hey Thanos,” she calls out. “Asshat! You didn’t kill me. I demand a rematch.” When there’s still no answer, she rolls her eyes. “Alright, then. What do you call a purple nutsack who had a thousand years and still couldn’t get the girl? Thanos.  What do you call an idiot who thought making his own soulmark would actually work?”

Someone from the crowd shouts, “Thanos!”

“Ding ding!” Toni laughs, the sound echoing in the microphone. “Hey, Thanos! There’s a reason Hela doesn’t want you and it’s not for your looks, or lack of. It’s ‘cause you’re a dick! Plus, you can’t make the soulmark, can you?”

“Override protocols—,” Rhodey’s voice echoes from her screens, flickering slightly, as Toni turns her head back. “Toni? Toni!”

“Honeybear!” Toni calls breathlessly, her eyes wide. “I’m making a call right now—,”

Rhodey’s face flits on the screen, and she can’t help herself, she moves forward to reach for him. He looks ready to break apart, starting to cry as he stares at her breathlessly. “Toni, you’re _alive_.”

“Last time I checked,” Toni tells him, but her breath hitches at his face, too, something like relief surging through her beating heart. “What about you guys? Is everyone else okay? Rumlow? The Guardians? Maria?”

Rhodey's face is a picture, blood still dried on his cheek. He shakes his head, a lump in his throat. "She—she's gone, too, Toni."

Toni can’t breathe for a moment, grief threatening to swallow her whole as she fights to catch herself properly. Not Maria, too, she thinks blindingly, the pain almost all-consuming as she forces herself to breathe. Rhodey’s eyes are worried as he talks about the others, careful as he reassures her that everyone is okay, and Toni knows that he’s lying to her, that some people have died, and she’s so grateful that he isn’t telling her. She’ll know later, she’ll burn about it later, but for now, she has to kick Thanos’ ass.

“You all have a job to do,” she tells him. “Get yourselves over here, those of you who are able. Keep the people safe, evacuate the city. Stay safe.”

“You stay safe,” Rhodey tells her. “Oh, and Toni?”

“Yes?”

He’s almost choked up. “ _Never_ do that to me again.”

Toni’s face softens. “I—,” she begins, and then the world starts to rumble, cutting off the line.

Her breaths are fraught, her hands still reaching out to where Rhodey’s face had flickered briefly. She stares at the screen, something in her throat, before bracing herself. Toni lifts her head, her face set grimly as she turns back to the landing pad, the Iron Woman suit fitting around her. People are starting to scream, and Toni can hear the clamours outside, her heart beating up a storm.

He’s here.

.

.

Thanos stares at Toni, when she waves a few fingers at him.

“Small universe, right?”

She steps off the landing pad, holding herself in the air as Thanos settles himself to stare at her, amidst the destruction of New York. He still wears the gauntlet, though it smokes a little, the stones gleaming fiercely, and Toni’s gaze turns sadly to Hela, who is locked away in a floating gilded cage beside Thanos. The goddess looks terrified, her eyes wide as she stares at Toni, though she does not dare to say anything.

“How—how is it possible?” the Titan demands to know. “I thought it was some trick, some—,”

Toni shrugs. “You and me both, man,” she drawls lazily, still floating in the air, though her heart beats hard. “I don’t know this magic shit. Gaia was like, _ahh_ , the universe needs you, and I was like, can I get a nap, please? And Gaia was like, no. Apparently, the universe just can’t function without me.” She shrugs again. “So, a bibbidi bobbidi boo and here I am. What can you do?”

Thanos just stares at her. “You have changed,” he comments eventually, his gaze narrowed towards her. “What have you learned, Toni Stark? Of the soulmark. What did Gaia tell you?”

Toni steadies herself. Even though she’s all made up of bravado, she’s still scared of Thanos. Toni knows that she could die again, and this time, Hela would not be able to protect her.

Even so, Toni Stark looks her nightmare in the eye. She refuses to look away.

“Gaia told me that you were a dumbass,” Toni says smoothly. “Only humans can have soulmarks.”

Thanos’ face darkens in rage and the infinity stones gleam in the gold gauntlet as he lifts his hand. “You were stupid for coming back, Stark,” he tells her. “You should have stayed down.”

“Yeah,” Toni mutters, “but when have I ever listened to anyone?”

When Thanos uses the infinity stones on her, the pain returns a thousandfold. Toni feels herself being thrown down into the ground, slammed back down again, as the crowd screams in horror. Toni forces herself to get up quickly, ducking and dodging the blow as she makes it closer to Thanos, her heart hammering in her chest. She’s only got the one shot, after all.

The chaos echoes over the place as the fight starts up once more, between them.

As the Avengers and the Guardians pour back into the fight, the Chitauri aliens scrambling after them, Toni focuses on Thanos only. She’s not plugged into the comms, but she can see Steve furiously taking down aliens with Natasha by his side, Okoye spearing three at once. War Machine appears, but is pulled back from helping Toni, to her relief. It doesn’t seem like there are very many of them all left, Toni thinks, before she pulls herself to focus.

Infinity stones screaming after her, Toni barely manages to avoid their blow and her Iron Woman suit singes slightly, as she pushes herself forward. She surges for Thanos’ throat, wrapping her metal-cased fingers around the thick flesh and drives her blade into the skin, blood pouring against the purple, as Thanos howls. In the very next moment, Toni unleashes all of her arsenal, blasting her repulsors into the Titan relentlessly as he’s drawn back, as she forces herself into the air above him, thinking of Friday, of Maria, of Hela and Gaia, of the girl whose mother had died, of everyone else in the universe.

But Thanos is barely fazed.

As soon as she takes a breath, he’s up again, brushing away the blood and pulling out the blade in his throat. The stones heal him fast, as Thanos clatters the blade across the ground and Toni is suddenly thrown back, trying to brace herself against his power, digging her feet into the dirt. When she lifts her head, she’s on her knees but she forces herself to get up. Once she does, Thanos throws her against the Tower, and she crashes heavily into it, groaning in pain. She’s bruised all over, Toni can feel it, as she twists and tries to push herself to her feet.

Her gaze turns to where Nebula is. Too far away, Toni realises, something curling in her gut, and Thanos is drawing closer. He’ll kill her again if she doesn’t get up, Toni thinks frantically, her breaths growing faster. Friday is in her ear, telling her to get up, asking if she can take control of the suit to fly Toni away, but Toni can barely muster the energy to speak.

“Toni, get up!” Rhodey is shouting at her in the coms. “Toni, come on—,”

“Give me—,” Toni manages to gasp out, before a voice cuts through her. “Time. I need more time!”

Steve’s voice crackles through the coms. “Toni.”

“I don’t have time to deal—,”

“In New York, I said something to you—,”

_“Rogers—,”_

“I said that you’d never be able to make a sacrifice play, that you weren’t a hero. I’m sorry for saying that. You took a nuclear bomb to that wormhole to save us all and you proved me wrong. You’re the biggest hero out of all of us and you deserve so much better.”

What the hell is he talking about? Why would he—Toni turns her head in horror, sharp realisation filtering through her.

“Rogers, _no_!”

“Here’s my nuclear bomb, Toni.”

To her horror, Steve pushes past the aliens and races forward to confront Thanos.

“No!” Toni gasps out, a hacking thing, shaking her head. “NO!”

As she forces herself to get up, Thanos gets there first. He reaches for Steve, as Steve lunges for him, crushing his fist easily. Toni can hear bones cracking as Steve screams in pain, her breaths fraught and she pushes herself forward, struggling frantically.

“The Captain my love chose. Your soulmate, Stark,” Thanos says. He turns to Toni, watching her struggle before turning the force of the gauntlets back on her. Toni is crushed through the ground, howling in pain as he continues smoothly, focusing on Steve. “You betrayed your soulmate. Abused such a precious soulmark abominably. You did not deserve it. I should return you the favour.”

“No, don’t—stop—,” Toni says breathlessly, as she fumbles in the Iron Woman suit, trying to crack it open, anything to get to Steve faster.

“Pleading for your soulmate even now, Stark,” Thanos murmurs, barely casting an eye over her struggles. “What a beautiful sight. It’s a shame he does not hold the same loyalty. Perhaps he should know how it feels.”

Something flickers over Steve’s face as he stares up at Thanos, and Toni’s heart catches in her throat. “It’s okay, I’m ready for this,” Steve breathes towards her, even giving her a small cracked smile. “Toni, I’m sorry for everything, I love you all—,”

“No!”

Toni screams, but Thanos slides the blade into the arc reactor at Steve’s neck and Steve Rogers slumps to the ground. She’s horrified as Thanos pulls her out of the wreckage, forces her to see Steve’s dead body, sobbing helplessly.

“Why did you—,” Toni begins, shaking her head and breathing hard as she forces herself back from Thanos’ hold. “He wasn’t—,”

“I simply returned the favour,” Thanos says, inclining his head towards her as though she’s supposed to be grateful.

Toni is still sobbing when she catches the fleeting blur in the corner of her vision, and she swallows hard, bracing herself as fast as she can.

When she moves, she gives Nebula the space and launches the alien woman from her metal arm so that Nebula can lunge for Thanos’ eyes. The alien claws at him fiercely, reaching for his gauntlet as she stabs him with everything she has. She’s faster than anything Toni has ever seen, her eyes wide, as even Thanos has to take a moment to repel Nebula away.

“This is for Gamora!” Nebula snarls fiercely into his ear as she thrusts a dagger into his arm, trying to cut off the gauntlet.

“As ever, daughter of mine, you are clouded in your judgement, and it will be your end,” Thanos says and then he uses the gauntlet on Nebula, who shifts into position, Toni’s heart hammering hard.

The resulting blast from the stones is enough to level an entire city, as Toni surges forward to grab Nebula by the waist, pulling them both down into the ground. People are screaming, and the aliens are howling, and when Toni looks up, Nebula is smirking harshly. They did it, Toni realises, wanting to sink in relief. They actually did it.

“She is not your daughter,” comes Hela’s soft voice.

Her cage, thrumming under the combined powers of the infinity stones, finally shatters apart.

Toni realises Nebula is bleeding, reaches to make sure she is okay, but the entirety of the place has now sunk into deafening silence. Even the Chitauri have stopped fighting, as Hela, gleaming with all the power of the infinity stones, raises herself up, beautiful and terrible. The goddess focuses on Thanos only, who is breathing hard, his eyes wide, the gauntlet starting to smoke properly now. The infinity stones still crackle in the gauntlet, but they seem weaker now.

“My love—,” Thanos begins.

Hela gives a gentle, sweet smile as she walks to him, her steps soft. She presses her fingers to Thanos’ chest, watches as the Titan gives a shiver, closing his eyes. The silence that descends around them is shattering and Toni holds her breath.

“And I,” Hela begins, her voice low, “am _not yours.”_

She slams her hand into his chest, clutching it around his heart as she pulls the beating thing out fiercely. The goddess of death squeezes darkly, blood cascading around her clenched fist like a fountain. Thanos’ eyes shoot open as he splutters, blood pouring out of his mouth, but as Hela glares over him, the Titan finally falls. His large frame crashes against the ground, dead and immobile, at Hela’s feet.

Hela wipes her fingers on Thanos’ sleeve before she bends to pick up the gauntlet, the stones flickering weakly.

“You poor things,” Hela murmurs to them, as the infinity stones whisper feebly. “I am sorry. I will give you peace now.”

As Toni watches, the goddess destroys the gauntlet, shattering the metal apart completely, the stones gleaming in the air above them. Hela inclines her head towards them as the stones twist a little, a reverberation echoing around the world, before they completely disappear.

“She is going to fall,” Nebula states, and Toni scrambles to her feet.

She hurries forward, reaching to grab the goddess as Hela crumples to her knees, her gaze on Steve’s crumpled body.

“Is it over?” Toni asks desperately.

The goddess reaches forward to caress her cheek before her fingers press over her wrist, magic crackling out from her palm. Toni watches, her eyes wide and brimming with tears, as Steve’s shield fades away, her wrist smoothing out to pale skin. Her wrist is finally properly healed as Toni begins to cry helplessly, her shoulders shaking.

Hela’s voice is soft. “It is now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're slowly coming up to the end now, just a few loose ends to wrap up! I hope you enjoyed this chapter - thank you for reading and have a lovely week! See you on Friday! :D


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe there's only one more chapter left, after this one. I had so much fun writing this story and in all truth, it's been very cathartic for me, in terms of the Avengers. I've managed to sort of get out everything I felt about them and I only hope that I could have done the same for you all. Thank you all so much for reading and commenting!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! :D

The funerals are all quiet.

Toni is even quieter.

Most people leave her alone, mostly because Christine stays by her side for the funerals and has a face like thunder every time someone wants to talk to her. Any other reporter doesn’t so much as dare to get a camera into her face, let alone her smoothed wrist. Toni swallows hard during the speeches, something hard in her throat, and she can’t quite look when Wanda and Steve are being taken away, but she gets up to say her goodbyes to Vision.

Friday and the bots are distraught at his death, though it had taken Toni a while to make them understand that Vision wasn’t coming back. DUM-e had promised he’d never try to stab Vision again, if the android would just come back to them, and Toni had almost broken apart right there.

Her heart stutters when she looks at the android, swallowing thickly, and Toni whispers her goodbye to him. She’s there for a while, letting Friday say her goodbyes too, when a man walks up.

“My—my name is Wong. I was a friend—,”

“You were in the Sanctum with him,” Toni says, lifting her head and blinking.

Wong swallows thick and nods. “Yes. He and I were friends,” he says. “He tried so hard to get better. He always spoke of you. Talked about how good you were. How bad he felt that he’d left you all alone.”

She’s not ready for this, Toni thinks, feeling as though she’s been hit by Thanos again. The thought of Vision striving to be better, to rise above his recovery from what Wanda had done to him, after running away makes tears prick in her eyes. Her heart feels heavy in her chest, for she knows she can’t bear this again, and she’s immensely grateful when Christine comes up behind her, a calm, protective figure. She’d been thinking how unready she’d been for any of this, after the world ended and Hela brought it back to life.

Over and over again.

_I’m not ready for this_ , when she burst into tears and collapsed after the fight. _I’m not ready for this_ , when she talked to the press and the UN, starting to set out the fires. _I’m not ready for this_ , when she entered the funerals.

But it doesn’t seem to matter as much anymore, Toni’s realised. She may not be ready, and she may never be, but she’s getting through the days, slow as they may be. It hurts, and it may never stop hurting, but she knows that she will be okay. She’d told Gaia that she wanted to live and for once, it hadn’t been a lie.

“I want to thank you, Wong,” Toni says, her voice hoarse as she nods quickly when Christine gives her a questioning look to make sure that she’s alright. “You were there for him when I wasn’t, and you gave him some form of happiness, so thank you for that.”

Wong only bows his head, his gaze lingering respectfully over Vision, before he moves away. Her gaze lingers briefly towards where Barnes stands over Steve, crying over his body but Toni won’t go to him. Christine is quiet beside her, not bothering to speak, and Toni’s grateful for it. It’s strange that she finds the lack of conversation between her friends more freeing and comfortable than injecting her voice into the conversation all the time.

She used to do that with Natasha and the others, used to always have her input, desperate for them to like her. But Toni doesn’t have to prove herself with Christine and Maria and Rumlow, doesn’t have to prove that she belongs with them. She just does. There’s a comforting ease to it that Toni’s been searching for years and to find it now is exhilaratingly bittersweet.

“You doing okay, Toni?” Christine asks her quietly.

Toni thinks briefly of lying. “No,” she confesses and shakes her head. “No, I’m not.”

“I’m here,” Christine says gently, and Toni’s eyes brim over again. She’s grateful when the reporter reaches forward to squeeze her elbow comfortingly and quietly reminds her to breathe again. “Should we get some air, Toni?”

Nodding, Toni follows Christine out into the graveyard, her heart in her throat. She leaves Vision, Wanda, and Steve behind, the grief etched out in the depths of her soul. Christine doesn’t say anything as they move down the path, both of them quiet, but Toni can see Christine’s fingers are shaking. She remembers how hard Christine had sobbed when Toni had died at Thanos’ hands, swallows thickly.

“Are you doing okay?” Toni asks.

Christine’s gaze drops to her shaking fingers and she shakes her head. “I will be,” she says. “I’m going to go back home for a bit, after this. Take a break, after everything. It’s been a—a shitshow.”

“You deserve a break,” Toni tells her.

“Mom wants you to come and see her, too,” Christine tells her. “She’s always asking after you, it drives me crazy. ‘Is Toni okay? How’s she doing? Is she eating’? I swear, she’s trying to replace me. And Marissa’s jumped on the bandwagon, too. She says she has no objections if Toni Stark decided to get adopted into the Everhart family. Says she’s always wanted a sister. What am I, chopped liver?”

They snicker a little together, but the warmth that blooms across Toni’s chest is real. Though Christine finds her mother’s questions annoying, Toni _adores_ it. It’s nice, the feeling of being cared of, of being asked after, she thinks to herself, grateful for Sarah Everhart.

“Toni,” comes a gentle voice.

Toni’s head snaps up in defence automatically, shifting herself protectively in front of Christine when she sees that it’s just Natasha. She and Sam are hanging around at the church gate, and both of them have very bloodshot eyes. It’s strange to see Natasha so open with her emotions, but the Red Room was years ago, and it seems like the Black Widow is finally learning to accept herself.

Natasha offers her a watery smile as Sam palms his fists across his face. “Can we—can we talk, please?”

She only hesitates a little, before Christine tugs at her sleeve. The reporter is glaring fiercely towards them, the venom in her features making Toni want to laugh. She stabs a finger at the two pointedly.

“I’ll be right _there_ ,” Christine says firmly, as Toni’s lips quirk.

“I’m sorry,” Natasha begins as soon as Toni takes a step forward. “I’m so sorry.”

“If we’d known that Steve—,” Sam says, before he breaks himself off.

It’s a strange line to toe, to hold the terrible actions against someone who is dead. Dead people get off easy. Their good deeds are still heralded, even if Toni’s soulmark truth was broadcasted across the entire world. Though Toni hasn’t forgiven Steve for hurting her, she knows that, in the end, he wasn’t Captain America. He made terrible mistakes and he made good decisions, but that was Steve Rogers, and she’s glad that he died as Steve Rogers and not as Captain America.

She still hasn’t forgiven Steve. Maybe she never will. Tony’s not too pressed about it.

Captain America’s legacy will live on, Toni knows, but not in Steve Rogers. Knowing how haunted Steve had been by the pressures of being Captain America, Toni hopes that he feels free now.

Toni watches them struggle with themselves for the barest moment before she steps in, her voice quiet. “It’s alright,” she says softly.

“No, it’s not,” Natasha says, looking disturbed. “It was a terrible thing we did to you, Toni, and I’m sorry. I’ll—I’ll always regret it.” She takes a breath. “Which is why I know I can’t be an Avenger anymore.

She’s not surprised, strangely enough, Toni realises faintly. Perhaps something in her always knew that Natasha had to find this. The Red Room had had her and then SHIELD had taken her in. After everything blew up in their faces, Natasha was forced to figure out what she was, in the smoking aftermath, taking refuge in the strong shadow Captain America offered and even then, she was still living a lie. Without Steve and everything else, Natasha wants to know what’s left.

“I know,” she says, offering Natasha some reprieve. “Steve reminded you that you could be a good person. I reminded you that you still had your flaws.”

Steve had offered Natasha a way for her to forget the terrible things she had once done, and Natasha had leapt at the opportunity hungrily. Toni can’t blame her for that. How many times has she tried to be a better person in the face of her terrible past? Natasha had seen herself in Toni and that wasn’t a hard thing to do. Most of the Avengers had seen themselves in Toni and they didn’t like what they saw.

“I’m going to find out who I want to be, outside of everyone’s shadows,” Natasha tells her quietly. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Toni.”

Sam clears his throat a little as he rubs his hand over his face. “Yeah,” he says, his voice rasping a little. “I—uh, I’m going to still be an Avenger, I think. But I don’t want to live in the Compound. I want to help, I don’t want to burden you with all the paperwork.”

Toni’s lips quirk. “I think we can work something out,” she tells him quietly, and shaking their hands, Toni turns her back on the Black Widow once and for all.

.

.

The Compound is, to put it nicely, a hot mess.

Toni walks with Maria and Hope to survey the destruction, Rumlow already inside the building with Bruce and Barnes. The Milano is still outside, the Guardians rummaging around it to fix the ship before they take off after Gamora.

Toni manages to pull Maria out of the way just in time to avoid an unstable ceiling as it crashes down onto the green grass. Hope is breathing hard, her eyes wide, especially when they look at each other in confusion, waiting to hear the shattering crash. Toni moves first, the gauntlet wrapping around her wrist, but a small grin blooms across her face when the ceiling floats, orange lights imbued softly around it.

“You show off,” she calls out to Stephen, as the cloak lifts up a corner to wave at her. When the cloak doesn’t come to her, Toni’s smile only widens. “You two finally talked it out, then?”

Stephen rolls her eyes at her, but there’s less vitriol in the way he does it, more of a playfulness in the gesture. They’ve come a long way since she insulted him within the first few minutes of meeting him and he was completely unimpressed with everything she was, Toni thinks, amused. He directs the ceiling down carefully, bits of rubble falling around it, as he floats up to make it inside.

“There’s nothing to talk about. He realised just how much he missed me,” Stephen says smugly.

The smugness falls away when the cloak slaps him across the face. Maria and Hope start laughing behind Toni, as Stephen glowers.

“So, you thought about it, then?” Toni asks the wizard.

Wong came back for the funeral and for Stephen, citing that the Sanctum needed their Sorcerer Supreme. Toni knows that Stephen has his own duties, but the opportunity for consultant still lies open. She’s rather hoping he’ll accept, mostly because she wants to see the cloak some more. Toni has recently learned, through a very amused Maria, that the bots are jealous of the cloak and Friday wants to not-so-subtly set the cloak on fire. It’s very entertaining.

Stephen inclines his head. “I’m not going to don a shitty Avenger cloak and start going to your movie nights,” he says, “but I’m willing to be a consultant. It’s better if we work together.”

“It’s good to have you on board, doc,” Toni says. “Before I forget. Thanks for saving my life.”

“Well, I saw what you’d do. Figured we’d need you,” he says, shrugging and Toni wonders if he’d seen Gaia. She wonders if she dare ask. The wizard gives a soft quirk of his lips that _could_ be construed as a smile. “Don’t call me, ever again,” he adds. “We’ll call you.”

“Don’t be a stranger,” Toni singsongs as the cloak literally lifts with joy. When Stephen glares at her, she shrugs, grinning at him. “You can’t have a name like Strange and expect me to be okay with it.”

Stephen rolls his eyes at her as he steps into an orange portal, but she spots his playful smile before he leaves, the corner of the cloak lifting up to wave goodbye at her. Toni’s lips lift into a genuine smile as she turns back towards Maria and Hope. Rumlow is coming in the door and the smell of baked pastries takes all of their attentions.

“I still maintain that we should have given those aliens my Krispy treats. They’ve got the Everhart seal of approval and even the blue alien smiled when she ate them,” Rumlow insists, as they scramble for the pastries hungrily. “I’m telling you, two minutes and it would have been like, alien invasion _who_?”

Toni snickers, the buttery smell wafting around the room irresistibly, but they’re all suddenly looking at her, the tension hiking up. Even Hope is looking a little stern, though it’s Maria and Rumlow, who is putting away the tray, who don’t look angry, but rather, _hurt_. And that’s weird, because Toni has never seen anyone, besides Rhodey, who met her _without_ angry vitriol.

“Rumlow’s pastries aside,” Maria says, her voice low, “you tried to die, Toni. Without even telling us.”

Her heart sinks like a stone. Is this the moment they finally leave? But Toni shakes her head. She’s still insecure, but she knows now, that Maria and Rumlow won’t leave her, no matter what she thinks. They’re saying this now, because they’re hurt. Because they care for her and she hurt them, and they’re upset with her for it. But they won’t threaten to leave or hurt her back, because that’s not what people who care for you do.

“I’m sorry,” Toni says genuinely.

Rumlow nods. “We know,” he tells her, his voice soft and low. “But you scared us all, Toni. We can’t—we can’t go through something like that again.”

Maria squeezes her arm comfortingly, mindful of her personal space, as Toni nods. “I know you were mad at Dr Strange for pulling you out of the fight,” she adds, “but it was my idea.”

“I figured as much,” Toni says.

“How’d you put that together?”

“Well, apart from you and me, nobody else in both the Avengers and the Guardians have any idea what Dr Strange does,” Toni tells them.

To her relief, they all start laughing.

.

.

Her workshop is smashed apart, but Toni manoeuvres her way through it with ease.

Bruce is quiet in his position by the door. “You sure it’s safe, Toni?”

“Have I ever led you astray?”

For a moment, Toni thinks he might answer wrong and her heart already prepares itself, but Bruce’s soft answer is everything. “No,” he says, and she breathes properly, already grinning across her face, as he steps inside. “Thanos really did a number, didn’t he?”

“Be lucky you were out for the fight,” Toni says, as she rummages through some of her projects.

“If by having a heart attack, you mean out,” Bruce tells her, but he’s smiling. “Toni, you made all these? Jesus, in a few months? That’s amazing.”

Toni flushes, before she manages to pick up what she’s looking for, and right on time, James Barnes knocks on the door. His voice is gruff when he speaks, the New York accent rendering it a little rough. “You—uh, Ms Hill says you were lookin’ for me?”

Bruce exchanges a worried look with her, but Toni only waves his worries away. “Yeah, come on in, Barnes,” she says. “How are you and the Soldier doing?”

“Soldier’s been a little better,” Barnes admits, but his gaze falls on her arms. “You didn’t destroy it.”

The Hydra arm gleams in her hands, her fingers trembling a little. Toni feels a little sick, so she puts it down on the counter, pushing it towards Barnes. “Most of the models I made for you were destroyed, so I only have this for you. When I have a little more time—,”

“No, that’s—,” Barnes begins, his eyes wide. He picks up the Hydra arm with a careless ease, examining it carefully as Bruce tenses beside them. “That’s fine. I don’t—I don’t need—thank you for offering, but I don’t want another arm. Thank you.”

Toni blinks. “What?”

“I’ve had it for so long now. It doesn’t matter to me,” Barnes says as he rubs the star away and fits the arm back in, the metal clicking gently into place. “Soldier’s a bit wary about it, but I trust him.”

“You’re a free man now,” Bruce says. “Where are you going to go?”

It had been a long and fraught process, getting Barnes acquitted in a court of law. Finally, Toni’s managed to do what Steve Rogers wanted from the very beginning. Barnes shifts a little, the fingers of the arm twitching a little. He’s uncomfortable, Toni can tell, and she opens her mouth to let him breathe a little, before he answers Bruce.

“Natasha’s been talking about Russia,” he says, to Toni’s surprise. When she blinks, he explains, his voice quiet. “We—understand each other. She knows what the Red Room was like for me. I remember her in there.”

A couple of real dark horses, Toni thinks, startled, but she’s nodding towards Barnes to make him feel more at ease, as he finally relaxes. It’s a little surprising to hear, that the Winter Soldier and the Black Widow knew each other in the Red Room, for she’d never have guessed it. There’s something like reassurance and understanding in Barnes’ eyes when he speaks of Natasha, though, which makes Toni feel like they’ll both be alright, wherever they go.

“Try not to get framed for assassination again,” she mutters, and to her surprise, Barnes snorts.

As Bruce’s brows furrow in increasing confusion, Barnes reassures her, “I’ll stick to my plums.”

Toni’s laughter echoes loud around the crumbling workshop.

.

.

“Next time the universe turns to shit,” Quill says cheerfully.

Rocket interrupts, _“Don’t_ call us.”

Drax furrows his brow. “No, you must,” he says. “We are this puny planet’s guardians, too. It is in the job description.”

As Rocket and Drax get into another argument, with Mantis giving her input a few times, Quill presses his palm to his forehead and mutters, “Why are you all like this?” But when he grins a little at her, Toni knows he doesn’t mean it. “If you want to hang out, though,” he tells her, voice soft. “I know Gamora would love to see you again.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Toni admits, giving a soft grin. Groot reaches out a branch to caress her cheek and Toni touches a leaf affectionately. “Make sure you send me a note when Gamora gets back to you.”

Quill nods towards her, as he goes back into the Milano. He’s a good leader, she thinks to herself. As soon as he’d woken up, his first priority had been his team and family and she’d remembered watching him by Mantis’ side, refusing to leave until she’d woken and stopped crying from the pain. It had taken some time to fix up the Milano again, but with her, Quill, and Rocket’s combined efforts, they’ve managed it. Now they’re all off to save Gamora, on Nebula’s orders, and Toni only hopes they’ll do it.

Nebula eyes her carefully. “Why did you call me?” she says, and the new hands and machinery Toni has given her doesn’t spark, not once. “Was it really because I was the only one in the Milano?”

“I figured you were the smartest one of the bunch,” Toni tells her, watching Nebula crack a smile. “But you deserved to hit him at least once.”

The blue alien reaches forward to squeeze Toni’s arm briefly. “I will rescue my sister, and I will leave these buffoons,” she tells Toni. “But sometime, perhaps, I might make a visit to Earth.”

“I’ll keep my doors open if you ever do,” Toni tells her, as Nebula inclines her head to leave. When Rocket comes to her, Toni beams at him. “Here. Look what I got you.”

Rocket eyes the metal arm sceptically. “Nah,” he says, “it’s no fun when you don’t steal it.”

“Well, I can always take it back—,”

“Finders keepers,” Rocket says quickly, as Toni smirks.

She turns towards Thor, who is beside his own ship. “You going to make another Stormbreaker, then?” she asks.

Thor looks contemplative. “We will see,” he says. He pauses. “I’m sorry, Toni. I was supposed to destroy the Tesseract and instead—,”

“You let your grief do the talking,” Toni says softly. She gives him a small smile. “I get it, Thor. It’s okay.”

His eyes are watering, as he reaches forward, and Toni grasps his arm firmly. “Thank you,” Thor tells her, his voice quiet. “But do understand this, Toni. Whenever you call, I will always answer.”

Toni nods towards him, letting out a breath. She turns to Valkyrie. “So, where are you guys going to go? You can always stay here, if you want. Scare a few of the US government.”

“Much as I would love that,” Valkyrie says, “we got a signal off a few Asgardian ships so we’re going to check them out.” She tilts her head towards Toni. “Don’t be a stranger. We’ll see about that liver.”

Toni’s lips quirk, but it’s Loki, who holds her attention.

“I lost my brother this time,” Loki says, and the world had turned that bit dimmer without Thor.

He had never bothered to consider how Thor could have mourned him, if his brother even cared. Convinced himself that Thor wouldn’t bother, that he wasn’t worth the trouble. But Loki knows now, Toni knows. He knows better.

Rhodey had told her how Loki had mourned Thor, thought his heart was choking itself out when Thor fell. Without Thor to defend his frequent stabbing of people by trying to convince them that it was only how Loki liked to express himself, Loki didn’t have anyone.

“You going to lose him again?” Toni asks bluntly, eyeing the Trickster God. She’s still wary before him, with good reason, but Loki’s face is filled with a strange vulnerability.

“Maybe,” Loki murmurs, his gaze lingering on Thor’s ship. “Maybe not.”

.

.

She watches as the kids kick about in the sand for a bit until their mother calls them back.

Cooper runs forward to slap his hand against Toni’s in a high five and Lila embraces her tight. Toni doesn’t tense at all this time and she’s so grateful that she finally stepped into the therapist’s office again, her breaths fraught. She embraces Lila back, a careful, quick thing, because she’s still healing.

“It was really scary,” the little girl mumbles into her shoulder. “I still—sometimes I wake up and it still hurts. But—but Daddy’s there.”

“Your dad will always be there,” Toni reassures her, her voice soft. “And I know that it was really scary, but you’re going to be okay, Lila.”

Lila stares at her, looking for any trace of a lie, but Toni only smiles at the girl. The Barton girl nods shakily before pulling back, mumbling her thanks to Toni once more, something Toni waves away easily. She straightens to look up at Clint and Laura, the latter of whom gives her a wave she doesn’t return and the former who nods towards her, a gesture she _does_ return.

Toni moves towards Rhodey, who is waiting for her, both of them watching the Bartons get into their car. Clint has surprisingly refused Toni’s help in getting a new farmhouse, but they’re going to be okay, now. The Bartons are moving away but Clint’s decided that he’ll _stay_ an Avenger, a decision he has made with all of his family.

“She was scared,” Toni tells Rhodey as she reaches to take the flowers from the car. “Maybe I should send them the number to my therapist.”

Rhodey walks beside her, the leg braces barely giving him any pain as they move. He’s always beside her now, always watching to make sure she’s okay, and she doesn’t begrudge it of him because she’s exactly the same. They were once all the other had at one point, after all. Two kids in MIT, making pinkie promises and the world at their feet.

“That’s a good idea,” Rhodey says. “You should probably tell Clint first, just to make sure he’s okay with it.”

“I will,” Toni says. They walk a little more, in a comfortable silence before Toni speaks again. “Rhodey.”

“Yeah, Toni?”

“Thank you for staying,” she tells him softly.

Rhodey offers her a smile. “I made you a promise, didn’t I?”

Toni nods quietly, and they fall silent as they make their way through the grave plot carefully. Her throat clenches once more, but they stand before Howard and Maria Stark’s gleaming tombstones once more. Beside her, Rhodey clutches her fingers and squeezes tightly once.

“You want me to go?” he asks.

“No,” Toni says. “Mom will have missed you.”

They settle down quietly, and Toni leans forward to lay flowers across her mother’s grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are slowly, quietly coming to an end now, just the last chapter left. I hope I managed to wrap up most loose ends, though I bet I missed some, lol. Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! :D


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are, at the end. I am literally lost for words, lol. I've written over a hundred thousand for this story and yet, I still can't find the words that best explain my feelings about its end.
> 
> Writing something like this story and putting it out was terrifying. It always is. Every single chapter I put out, I put out with a mixture of both elation and dread, and every single time I read the comments, I was always surprised and so grateful that people seemed to actually like it. I feel like so much time has passed and yet no time has passed at all, lol. In the beginning, this story was my way of controlling something amidst the mess of my life, especially my debilitating mental health. In truth, most of Toni's thoughts and feelings come straight from me personally and writing them out allowed me to calm down a little, so it was very therapeutic and a good coping mechanism. And then, Toni took over and her happy ending is in sight and at her grasp, forged through her own actions, I hope the same will ring true for every single one of you.
> 
> Thank you all so much for taking the time to consistently read and give the story kudos and comment such lovely comments. I loved every single bit of it and so now, I dedicate this chapter to you all. I hope that like Toni, you all find the hope for your happy endings, too. :D

Toni sits in the white sand, tilting her head back to watch the sun rise slowly.

The beach is completely empty, the sun’s soft, lazy spirals cast against the brilliant red of the sky above her. Waters blue as sapphires lap at her bare feet gently, cool and soothing, as Toni grasps the glass of iced tea tightly. She doesn’t drink from the glass but stares up at the pale pink and purpling skies before her, the clouds slowly sinking away, the sun’s light gleaming through almost endlessly.

She’s alone here, on the beach. Not even Friday says anything, but Toni doesn’t mind it, for once. Before, she used to seek out company desperately, wanting never to be stuck alone with herself, because to be alone meant to be unhappy, to be in aching pain. She’d hated herself once, but she’s starting to like herself again. She’s starting to get used to being happy by herself.

“It’s beautiful.”

Hela’s voice is soft as she settles herself to sit on the sand beside Toni, her skirts splayed out softly over the sand as she leans back, the sun warming her bare skin. Toni offers her the glass of iced tea and Hela accepts it, inclining her head in quiet thanks towards her.

Toni gestures to the beach. “I would have found us a donut to sit in,” she says, “but Rhodey says some people don’t like that. We have to make do with this instead.”

“Maybe next time,” Hela says, smiling, amused, as she takes a sip. “You’re sure you don’t want this?”

She shakes her head. “People keep giving me free stuff,” Toni says, gesturing to the full glass. “Have they forgotten I’m an actual billionaire?”

The goddess’ lips twitch. “I think it might have something to do with the fact that you saved their universe,” she hums in content.

“No, that was all you,” Toni tells her. “You pulled out Thanos’ heart, or did you forget? Because I didn’t—that was fucking _gross_.”

Hela looks as though she might start laughing, but she shakes her head. “Perhaps, but someone had to trick Thanos into opening the cage.”

“Nebula.”

“And you,” Hela says.

A small silence infuses the space between them, soft and lingering, as Toni brushes her curls back from her shoulders. She breathes in the salty air, lets it linger deep within her chest, before letting it out again, and for once, her fingers don’t shake, before she nods at Hela’s words. The goddess is right. She did have some part in saving the universe once more, and even though she still dreams that something could have gone wrong, because it so easily could, Toni wakes and knows that it all went _right_.

When she lifts her head, she sees the sun rising in the sky, a golden sphere gleaming bright and vivid. Hela lifts her fingers, the warmth of the sun washing over them both as the blue waters of the ocean rise a little to splash playfully over their feet. Toni breathes in the saltiness of the air, stares at the blue of the rippling water.

She thought she’d be terrified, but it’s softer, somehow. Nicer to look at. Toni looks up to see the stars gleaming brightly in the sky, silvered dots cast against the pale pink.

Hela’s voice is answer enough. “I figured you deserved something beautiful,” she says, sparks of green magic clattering to the white sands from her fingers. “You saved my life.”

Toni looks at her smoothed wrist where the soulmark once lay, thinks of all the darkest times in her life. Looks up at the small, burgeoning brightness that is slowly becoming her life now. Hela did that. The goddess saw something in her that was worthwhile, worth _something_. And now, slowly, Toni’s starting to see it, too.

“I was just returning the favour,” Toni says, her voice soft as Hela smiles at her warmly. She pauses a little before asking quietly, “Is—Is Vision okay?” Another pause. “Wanda? And—and Steve?”

Surely, having the goddess of death as a friend would have its benefits, Toni thinks as Hela doesn’t answer for a few seconds. She’s tried to convince herself that they will be alright, but Toni still wakes in a cold sweat, to see Vision’s heartbroken face as Thanos reaches to pull the mind stone from his head, Wanda’s screams ringing in her ears. Sometimes, Steve’s breathless whispers linger long in her room until Toni has to go and sleep on the couch.

Hela looks at her for a long moment.

“They are content, I promise you this,” the goddess tells her gently, but there’s honesty and conviction through her words that relaxes Toni. The tight knot in her stomach finally unwinds and Toni can breathe once more. Hela smiles at her kindly. “They have found the peace that they could not find here.”

“That—that’s good,” Toni manages to get out, her voice rasping and hoarse as she nods. She looks away, not bothering to brush away the tears as they course down her cheeks, staring at the rippling blue waves of the sea. “They deserve peace. Vision, most of all.”

Hela does not say anything.

“Even Steve Rogers?” she asks, her voice quiet and low.

“For all that he’s done to me—he’s—he hurt me so much, so badly. Thank you for this, by the way,” Toni confesses softly to Hela, whose eyes fixate on her. She lifts her wrist, the quiet pleasure of seeing the shield gone never fading away no matter how many times she checks. She’s woken up in the night dozens of times, restlessly to make sure that it is gone, that it hasn’t come back, and every single time, Toni sees that it is not there and she thanks Hela again. “But I think I’m going to be okay, now. It doesn’t—it doesn’t seem to matter as much. Is that weird?”

“No,” Hela says, shaking her head. “No, it’s not.”

Toni looks at her carefully. “You deserve peace, too, Hela,” she says.

“I know,” Hela murmurs, running a finger around the rim of the glass. She drops it briefly, using her magic to let the glass linger in the air before her and eyes it carefully. “It will take time, as all things do. But I will get there, I know it.”

Toni wonders what it’s like to have such confidence in yourself, to be so secure in yourself as a person that the surety of getting better is a fixed point. She knows that time will fade easily for Hela. What are a thousand years to a god, after all? Hela will grow, and she will get better, just as she says. Toni believes it of the goddess and she’s grateful for it.

If there is anyone in this whole mess that deserves to know peace, it is Hela.

A comforting moment lies between them as Hela makes small circles with the glass, letting it tilt a little until a few drops of iced tea fall out. Toni watches, fascinated, as magic circles the drops and lets them float around them in a glorious cascade. It’s beautiful and the smile that touches her lips is real, before the ever-present question that’s lingered deep within her rises to the surface once more.

“Hela?”

“Hmm?”

“Should I have just died in Afghanistan, with Yinsen?” she asks, focusing on the floating drops of tea before her. She makes a conscious effort to not look at Hela, her heart pounding up a storm. “Would that have been better?”

Hela’s voice is contemplative and gentle. “For whom?”

“The world,” Toni says, and she turns to look at Hela, wanting to know what the goddess would think. There’s a ragged desperation wrought within her chest at the idea, but Hela’s face is impassive. “It would have been better off without me. There’s a lot that I’ve done wrong.”

“There’s a lot that you’ve done right, too,” Hela tells her calmly. “Humans and gods and Titans and aliens. Nobody is either completely good or completely bad. Not even Thanos. You should not punish yourself for that.” Her heart starts to settle as Hela continues. “There are many lives that you have touched, Toni, including my own. The people you’ve saved, the universe you put back to rights. There is a gratitude that resounds throughout time and space for that. You shouldn’t downplay your own abilities.”

“It’s because of Iron Woman,” Toni murmurs. “If I hadn’t been Iron Woman, I sometimes wonder what would have become of me.”

“Do you know,” Hela asks, tilting her head back to look up at the skies, “why I chose you, Toni?”

“Because of Iron Woman,” Toni replies promptly. “Me becoming Iron Woman changed the world, broke open the chains. Siberia, for one.”

“No,” Hela tells her, shaking her head, as Toni blinks, startled. “No, it is not because of Iron Woman.”

Toni turns her head towards the goddess, almost consumed with curiosity as she furrows her brows. “Then?”

“I chose _Toni Stark_ ,” Hela tells her, shrugging, as though it explains everything. “Everyone thought I was stupid. They thought I was bartering away my life and the universe for someone who they could not trust would even care.” Toni flinches, but Hela continues smoothly. “But I saw the child who made a circuit board for the first time. I saw the love and the desire to _be_ loved pour from you. And when you went through the skies in New York, I was so smug.”

The smile that tilts at Hela’s mouth is genuine and rather smug as Toni lets a smile bloom across her face, too, something warm blooming in her chest at Hela’s words. Hela believes in her, has always believed in her, even before she was Iron Woman. It’s a pleasant feeling to feel something like that, to know that she was worth something, that someone cared for her _before_ Iron Woman.

“Thank you,” she murmurs. “I’m still sorry about Siberia. I did mess up your plans and my—my PTSD and trauma can’t have helped.”

“I don’t blame you for that,” Hela tells her. “It was a little frustrating that I couldn’t get through to you, through your dreams, though. I’ll admit I messed with your head a little.” Toni arches an eyebrow and Hela shrugs. “A lot. But there was stuff in there that I didn’t touch. It’s going to take time and work to be okay again, Toni. But I think you’re going to do it.”

Toni’s voice turns slightly pained.

“You can’t just give me a quick fix?” she asks, eyes turning on the green sparks of magic that clatter and cascade easily from the goddess’ fingertips. Therapy is slow, and she still wakes, screaming, Toni thinks to herself. “Fix up what’s in my shitty head?”

Hela turns her head towards her, her forehead creasing in genuine confusion. When she speaks, her voice is soft and genuine.

“Why would I do that,” she says smoothly, “when you can do it so much better?”

It’s strange, the amount of faith and belief the goddess has in her, Toni thinks as she stares back at Hela, looking for any trace of a lie. She searches, but Hela’s small smile is not at all mocking or even teasing. She genuinely believes that Toni can do it, can grow better just like her. Even Toni herself doesn’t believe it, but the thought that the goddess of death herself believes in her so much warms her heart.

She feels so gloriously, brilliantly _alive_. The world stretches out before her, the universe an ever-present span of adventure. Toni wonders at the feelings blooming within her and then realises it.

She is something she never thought was possible.

She’s _happy._

“Do you have to leave?” Toni asks Hela quietly.

The goddess’ smile is soft but pained. “I have a thousand years to catch up on,” she tells Toni. “I want to see what I have missed. Besides, I must see Gaia once more. She has missed me and I her.” She grimaces. “I fear she’ll give me an earful for not leaving some part of Thanos for her.”

Toni’s smile blooms. “Come down to Earth sometime,” she says, and the tears brim in her eyes. “I’ll take you to all the best places.”

“I’m holding you to that, Toni,” Hela tells her, giving her a kind smile as they turn back to stare at the oceans. Her voice is gentle when she continues. “I will see you again, I promise you. But in the meantime, if you ever do need me, look up to the stars. Remember that they can be just as beautiful as they are terrible and think of me. I will always come, I promise.”

.

.

Toni stops at the kerb, parking smoothly.

It’s not really her most inconspicuous car, but she hadn’t bothered to change cars from leaving the Compound. The newly refurbished Compound, that is. It’s taken her time, but, with the help of her friends and the new Avengers, Toni has built up the Compound as a safe haven for future superheroes and the ones who still remain. Enhanced people are coming out of the woodwork now, to her relief, accepting the sanctuary she offers them.

Hela told her to let things go, to understand that she had shouldered the burden alone for long enough, and it was time that Toni accepted help. Iron Woman still thrives, but Toni knows the armour is only an extension of herself. It’s everything Toni has been working for and her heart’s never felt lighter.

Rhodey sends her a text as she gets out of the car, giving a quick grin to the kids who are playing outside.

_Chinese for dinner, tonight? Maria says she wants to cook, but Hope’s breaking her down, don’t worry. Rumlow’s bringing a pie and Sarah wants us to try some of her new tea._

Her heart calms, her lips lifting, as Toni walks, texting back at the same time. It’s always on Friday nights that they make a point of getting together, because most of them are too busy throughout the week that they can’t find the time. Toni can’t blame them, because she’s exactly the same. Taking the reins of the Avengers once more for the UN and building up the clean energy initiatives to make them worldwide with Stark Industries has been a lot on her plate.

But she’s doing it in a way that doesn’t destroy her, like before.

Letting Maria and Rumlow help her out at times. Taking breaks with Bruce as they find out ways to open up space telecommunications with Xander and Thor’s new Asgard. Going to see her therapist. She’s even taken a few moments to check up on Barnes and Natasha, who are travelling the world now to find out what they’ve missed. Sometimes the Soldier sends her things from their trip. Toni’s got a few postcards and some small knives he thinks she should have. It’s a little flattering, if she’s being honest, but mostly she wonders how on Earth he managed to get it through customs.

And though their parents aren’t, Cassie, Lila, and the kids are always welcome at her house, which is an invitation they take very seriously.

That’s a new thing, too.

Toni no longer lives in the Tower, though she still uses it. Instead, she’s bought a house. It’s not big, because it’s only her and the bots and Friday, but it’s cosy and quiet. When she sits in the living room in the dusk of the evening, she can see the stars gleaming back at her and knows it’s Hela.

_Make it Mexican, and you’ve got a deal. If Hope’s efforts don’t work, tell Maria I’ll give her the Jaguar again if she cooks and Rumlow gets to put his name in the Employee of the Month pool again if he brings his famous apple pie over. Are Christine and Marissa coming over, too?_

She slides her phone back into her pocket, entering the apartment building slowly. Toni eyes the rusty elevator with a critical eye, making a mental note to start pouring money into fixing up the blocks around here, before she takes the stairs. It’s not a wise idea, as she’s still got a bad heart, but Toni takes her time, slow and peaceful, and because she’s started walking more, she’s not as exhausted or tired out as before.

Standing in front of the door, Toni double checks her watch to make sure it’s the right one, a small smile blooming across her face when Friday blinks blue lights fondly back at her.

“Hey, girl,” she says affectionately. “You got me the documents?”

“Of course,” Friday tells her. “DUM-e would like me to tell you that he’s missing you.”

“I left him half an hour ago, the clingy ass,” Toni says, chuckling, though her heart warms for the bots.

“U says you shouldn’t come back too quickly, because DUM-e’s being an idiot,” Friday says. She clarifies, “They’re arguing with each other again, because DUM-e took U’s favourite pillow.”

“Friday, remind me to start laying out some ground rules for those two.”

“Will do.”

Toni lifts up the blue screen of her watch to check out the documents Friday’s sent her. New York absolutely loves this guy, Toni finds, skimming briefly through the articles she’s pieced together over the last few weeks. Very protective of him.

She knocks on the door and when it swings open to reveal a woman, with confused eyes and dark hair, Toni smiles politely.

The woman stares at her for a moment, recognition filtering over her features, before she states, “Oh my God.”

“Ms May Parker?” she asks, as the woman nods, still dumbstruck, and Toni lets her grin bloom across her face easily. “I’m here to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative, regarding your nephew, Peter Parker. Or, if you want me to just call him Spider-Man, that’s fine, too.”

Toni watches as May Parker’s face turns visibly ashen for a moment, as she stares back at Toni in sheer shock. The shock fades away to thundering anger as May Parker’s eyes widen and she opens her mouth, looking absolutely stunned. There’s the distinct sound of something falling in the apartment, followed by a distinct, “Oh, _shit.”_

It is then that Toni realises too suddenly, her eyes wide and her stomach sinking like a stone, _Oh, no. She had no idea. She—I have timed this so badly—_

“PETER PARKER!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much again. 
> 
> I have another story in the works, though it's currently kicking my ass right now, lol. I really hope you enjoyed this story and the chapter, and thank you for taking the time to read it, again. I had a lot of fun writing this story. 
> 
> It's been a beautiful journey and I'm so glad I got to do it with all of you. :D

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [And All That's Best Of Dark And Bright Response](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16781314) by [Oky_Verlo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oky_Verlo/pseuds/Oky_Verlo)




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